Yeah. There's something about Christmas Eve that makes me cry -- my usual thing is spending the evening on my aunt's back porch while a party I can neither enjoy nor tolerate goes on inside, and I'm basically trapped there for a while. But not this year -- I lucked out, and happen to be sick (no, really.)

No, this year I have weightier things on my mine, and I feel like I just need to get them out somewhere. I know I'm often something of a worry-wort, but I think now I have some legitimate causes, which makes me authentically scared and sad -- especially this time of year, when logically togetherness and merriness should abound.

There's a friend online I've been close to for over 4 years. And then she vanishes sometime, oh, a month or so ago. Maybe more. It could be school, but she's not back -- which makes me worry more. It could be a lack of internet. At which point I would be so freaking relieved...but...she's had some suicidal tendencies in the past, especially recently. She's had some delinquincy issues in the past. She's had some psychological issues in the past. So I can't stop worrying that she's dead or in jail or in an insane asylum somewhere, and I've forgotten her actual last name, and can't track her down just to be sure. She's the only person who was enough like myself to really understand my feelings, and the thought that I might never hear from her again scares me a lot.

And then there's my IRL best friend of...11 years of so, if my math is right. She had family issues long before I met her, and a few years ago, things got worse. A lot worse. Recently, things got so bad that finally the situation got outside attention. And things could get better from here, or things could get a lot worse. In a week, we'll know...But my friend is worried (and I agree with her) that if things go the "lot worse" option, her life could be in danger. All this is in the hands of strangers, both to me and to her: the only real hope is that they take the time they're taking to see how badly this could go if mis-handled, and do the right thing. Even then, it'll be rough on the family, though less physically and mentally, and more financially. The remainder of the family could use this time as an opportunity to solve the problem themselves, but frankly, they've had years of being in this scenario to solve this themselves. I've always said that it seemed possible the only way this scenario would resolve is if someone died, one way or another -- but I don't want to be right. I've offered her a place to stay if she needs it, but I don't know how things will work in the future if she really, really needs it -- which we both think she might.

And there's not really anything substantial I can do about any of this. I just sort of feel sick inside -- and not just because I'm sick, though I'm sure that doesn't help. I've already lost one friend this year -- I just want everyone to be alright.

...Thanks for reading, if you have. Sorry to be a downer...I just felt like if I didn't say anything, it'd just sort of fester inside. OK, OK, done crying. I'm done.