Personal Shadow work.
Working on healing.
If you read, forewarning I curse.

. Song

Have you ever chosen something and then realized what an immensely wrong choice it was? That’s what I did. I chose wrong. Acted wrong. Spoken wrong. Now I have to live with the choice I made.

I made a post a year ago, desperate to find you, reach out and fix what I had broken…shattered. I went to all of our old sites, but it was here…this bittersweet place, this beautiful place that someone told me:

Some people just don't want to be found/contacted.. they have moved on, for their own reasons judged it was the right thing to do -- and you should, too. Work on Your healing process.

Gods those words hurt. I sobbed, wept, uncontrollably. I felt anger flush my face and I wanted to argue. But I couldn’t. The words stung, but they were truthful. I have done a lot of growth in the past year and even the years prior. I understand them now. I can read those words and I agree. We all have our own reasons. It would be a prior version of me if I forced it. I don’t want that.

I want to be able to look back on those memories of us without crying. I want to forgive myself for what I did, acknowledging that I was wrong and that I was not as good of a friend as I thought I was back then. I want to be able to acknowledge the friendship we had and know that that was all we were going to be allowed. That the way things were ended because of my mistakes and acknowledge that I am not the person I was back then. Accept that version of me that wasn’t a good friend and who made the decisions that lead me to who I am now.

People talk about their inner teen or their inner teenager. The version I also have to heal is my inner young adult. That’s who was here 14 years ago, how angry I was, how jealous I was. How much regret I carry from that time is immense and I want to grow. I want healing. I don’t want to be that person again and I don’t want to keep these thoughts and memories kept away because that version of me is desperate to hold onto those memories and aches with yearning for that time again. To let that version go I have to acknowledge that I was the reason we are no longer friends.

I am sorry for what I did to you.
I am sorry for how I treated you.
I am sorry I did not treasure our friendship that you deserved.
I am sorry for everything I did.

I hope you have healed too.
I hope you are safe.
I hope you are happy.

I truly wish you nothing but happiness and an amazing life. You are someone who deserves it. Thank you for all of the memories that you and I had.

I will always carry you in my heart.
I am closing our chapter in my book for my own healing.
And one day, I hope I have grown and healed enough that my heart won’t ache when I remind myself of you.