Attention?

lordslttldeer's picture
Since I know that I won't get much notice from most people on here, I decided to post one of my poems. I really don't mind if anyone doesn't read this as I am posting it for my own pleasure. Besides it is always a nice little surprise when someone leaves a comment.


“My Savior”

During the days of my darkness
You were there, hidden just beyond my reach.
I cried out in pain
And I felt as if I had to fight alone.
You were there, watching with tears in Your eyes.
I turned inward, grieving.
You were there, waiting to hear me call Your name.
You guided me even when I was blinded to You.
You opened doors and yet I never paid You any attention.
I kept falling but You kept me from the abyss.
When You reached through to me
It was like a flame guiding me to Your path.
You laid out everything good in my life
Even when all I saw was the bad.
You gave me so many chances to turn to You.
When I returned home to You
You poured Your Spirit into my heart.
You broke down the barriers of my soul
And severed the agreements I made with the enemy.
You lifted me high so that I could see all that You had done.
You gave me a glimpse of heaven so that I may know Your greatness.
You told me that You chose me so that I may know acceptance.
You love me before anyone else
And showed me what true patience is.
I look into Your eyes and I see such wisdom.
Your beauty is amazing.
To read Your Word humbles my soul to
Know the many ways You are willing to forgive me.
You warn me of the consequences of sin
And You are always leading me closer to You.
I give my life to You, my Savior.
toboe's picture

Pretty.

Pretty.
lordslttldeer's picture

^^ Thank you.

^^ Thank you.
Seed's picture

Hmmm...As a serious

Hmmm...As a serious critique, I would say that a lot of it could afford some cutting, and the language gets kind of absract throughout most of the poem. You could really ramp up the emotional intensity by bringing some images into it. This also feels like it would work well with some enaphora -- repeating a word or phrase at the start of each line -- but that's just a general suggestion, for some structure.

I think, though, that it's a sweet little poem.
---


Nelle Rovine
lordslttldeer's picture

Thank you very much. I never

Thank you very much. I never really read over my poems except to spell check. >< I really should though. I will keep your suggestion in mind. I am always appreciative of serious critiques. Thank you again, Seed. Smiling
Seed's picture

It's my pleasure. I enjoy

It's my pleasure. I enjoy doing things like that...
---


Nelle Rovine
SaritaWolf's picture

I think it's beautiful, and

I think it's beautiful, and describes the spiritual walk of many Christians. (which is what I'm assuming this is about XD)

I have never been much a fan of freeform poetry, though. :[ I like rhythm, or some sort of alliteration or key word. *shrugs* This is still pretty awesome and I love the words you chose. It'd make a great song.
Fenqua's picture

I really like this poem, the

I really like this poem, the 'You' thing is rather cool.
Although it can be disturbing at some points too, maybe you used it a little TOO much. But only a little!
Furthermore... I like the use of different stanzas. You know, like this:

Blaaaaaaablablaaa
blaaaaaablablablabla
blablablablablablaaaa
Blaaadieblaadieblaaa

Blaaadieblaadieblaaa
Etc.

You get me? I'm pretty bad at explaining so... ^^;


To pray is to believe, to believe is to purify one's soul


To pray is to believe, to believe is to purify one's soul
lordslttldeer's picture

I thank all of you for your

I thank all of you for your comments. I usually prefer free form poetry, more so than others. Some of my old ones aren't like this, but I have yet to find any of them at the moment. ^^The "You" is there for a reason. When I write poetry about Jesus I don't usually say His name because then it seems to me to be more personal to write Him in with just a "You". Don't know if that makes any sense.