I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post this; it’s pretty dramatic and silly. On the other hand, I feel that a response to today’s events is fairly critical; it’s not like I can just post another journal in a few days, and totally ignore what happened, today. Regardless, I’ll probably end up deleting this in time; I feel it might stir up a little more drama than is needed.

I feel that I should add that this is entirely in-character. <3 I still adore the phantom, I think he’s an awesome character. And I do feel a little sad that the phantom won’t come near my deer, but I understand. This post is alllll Lemon.

I also want to apologize once again to those who were met by a nearly non-responsive Lemon, today. I was as shocked as she was, so I was a bit distracted. :< She still loves everybody, she's just a little overwhelmed at the moment. So no hard feelings if she's a little (a lot) more antisocial than usual, okay? :3

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I was a little tentative, wondering how he would react to the sudden shift in our relationship; wondering, like an idiot, if he would even mind at all. Oh how foolish and naïve I can be sometimes, how stupid and pathetic. I crept from my hiding place, offering him the usual smile. He backed away. I could hear the tentative sound of his hooves scraping along the rock as he shuffled backwards, away from me. My smile faded. But at this point, I was still undeterred – still feeling so high and mighty, after such an unbelievable turn of luck. Seth, Seth loved me! I was on top of the world; euphoric. I’d never imagined I might be so lucky. And for the moment, I was bursting with joy.

I stepped toward the phantom, tilting my head. He turned and bolted. He leapt down from the playground rock with a single powerful leap, and I was left to carefully navigate my way down, hoping I wouldn’t slip and crack my skull. I tried to follow him, assuming that he was simply leading me off to some other place in the forest, as he so often does. _…Did. But as I approached, I could hear him backing away, again.

At this point, I figured that dearest phantom was simply having a bad day. Crestfallen, but determined, I curled up near a tree and decided to try again, later.

When I awoke, I immediately turned my nose to the sky, searching for the phantom. I pinpointed his scent – he was still hanging around the birch forest – and bolted straight for him. As I approached, I discovered that he was still determined to participate in the same skittish dance. Over and over I followed him, my desperation growing. Over and over, he turned and ran away. Eventually, I couldn’t take it any more. I broke down. My eyes stung with tears, my legs trembled. Was this really happening? No, Gods, I didn’t even know WHAT was happening. I tried to keep the tears at bay as I cried out for him; hoping he might have even an ounce of mercy for me. He didn’t.

Over and over I cried out, praying he would stop playing whatever game he had decided to play – a game which he and I both knew, he would eventually win. A scrawny little blind doe would never be able to outrun a large, powerful stag like the phantom. Not in a million years. And we both knew this. I did catch up to him, eventually. Found him on his big red hill.

I attempted to appear unshaken. ”Ph-phantom?” My tiny voice betrayed me, and I hung my head in shame. I asked him, in my quivering voice, why he wouldn’t come near me. He stamped his hooves and reared. I bit my lip to stop it’s trembling. And then I could hear that familiar shifting of hooves, the angry snort that inevitable accompanied the lowering of antlers. My heart could have broken in half, then. And that was that. He turned and ran, and I slowly sunk to my belly, torn to pieces.

A blurred swarm of deer arrived seconds, minutes, hours later. I don’t remember who was there, exactly. I don’t know what I did in response to their arrival, nor how long I hung around before finally giving in to sleep. I think I remember Walter and Vala being there. I know Winterleaf wandered by, at one point. It’s all just a blur, really.

Gods, how could I let him do this to me. I’m not supposed to care this much. I should be happy; elated; sky high with bliss. Seth and I are together, after such a long time of pretending, hiding, being bashful and afraid. But instead, I’m laying here, wallowing in pain and misery.

Oh how foolish and naïve I can be sometimes, how stupid and pathetic, assuming that one of my closest and most intimate friends would be happy for me. How dare I assume such an absurd thing.

I’m not sure what to think, anymore. On one hand, I can’t explain the pain I feel. The fears I struggled with, as a child, are now being realized. I’m being abandoned for a reason I don’t even really know. My joy is gone, my spirit blown out. This was a crushing blow. And I think that’s exactly what he wanted.

On the other hand, I’m so God-damned angry at the phantom, for being such an ass. All I ever gave him, was love. I worked hard, trying to befriend him when he made it quite clear that wanted nothing to do with me. I followed him loyally through the forest, when I could have been hanging out with other, more sociable friends. I respected the fact that he didn’t want to come anywhere near Seth, at first. I knowingly made my own anxiety worse, just so I could be with him. And when my life finally takes a turn for the better, he rejects me.

But there’s also the self-loathing I feel. If only I was a little more selfless, maybe things would still be okay. Why do I have to be such a selfish girl? I knew from the start, I was never meant to be in love. I should have just kept my stupid little mouth shut. Then we’d all be okay. We’d all be fine.

Gods save me.


Lemon