I’ve been laying low for the past couple of days. Not because I had more important things to do than traipse through the forest, but because I’ve been hit by a wave of timidity. That’s how it works; sometimes I can go for weeks without feeling the urge to hide, sometimes months. Sometimes the urge to hide from the rest of deerkind is so overwhelming that I am forced to keep to the shadows for days, lurking around the forest like a ghost. That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days – though the fact that most familiar faces have more or less disappeared from the forest doesn't really help. Even Seth has been missing, lately. I dearly miss his company, but I understand that he can’t be here all of the time. The last time I saw him, though.. he wasn’t himself. He was like a shell of himself. It worried me.

I have been neglecting my rituals for a while; I think the last time I did them, I was still a fawn. I’ve just been so overwhelmed with excitement over growing up that I’ve kind of pushed my spiritual half aside. I don’t believe I’ve ever mention my rituals, have I? Well, the most obvious ritual I have is praying. This morning ritual is very important to me, and I try to pray to the twin Gods every day; although it is difficult for me to pray when there are many other deer around. After I’ve finished my prayer – a chant the forest spirits taught me while I was very young – I gently kiss the two stones to either side of the statues; reminiscent of kissing the feet of Gods.



I have other rituals, but I don’t want to bore you with all of that. Perhaps I will tell you about the other ‘peculiar’ things I engage myself in, in a later journal.

Two days ago, I saw Raunun and Nala running around, after my daily prayer. I was eager to join them; but that dull ache in my mind forced me to hang back. I stood between two trees, always comforted by the protection that the trees offer me. I always feel safe, when standing next to a tree. Maybe it’s a throwback to my mortal-deer instincts; being out in the open makes me vulnerable to humans and other predators. Or maybe it’s my beliefs; that every tree is the soul of a deer that has died. Either way, I’ve always taken solace in the company of trees. It’s not as if they can talk to me, like the birds can – but somehow, I think they understand. I listened as Raunun and Nala played for a bit, eventually curling up beside tree. I only lay down when I’m at ease – but I have to admit, I was still feeling a little edgy. I fear that my anxiety has taken a turn for the worse, when I can’t even relax in the company of friends.



Eventually, Nala said goodbye, and Raunun came to lay by me. I welcomed his company, but I stayed silent. My thoughts were a mess – they always are. I needed some time to think about a few certain things that have been on my mind, lately.

I worry most about being misunderstood. It’s difficult for me to interact with other deer, yes. But at the same time, I’m so dreadfully anxious over what those same deer think of me. I know I’ve hurt a few feelings by refusing to interact. They take it personally, they think I dislike them – and I hate it; I hate myself, when that happens. I feel useless, stupid. What is wrong with me that I can’t socialize like everyone else? Why can’t I just be normal? GODS.

Anyway, after a while, I started to feel a little more playful. After all, it was only Raunun and I – there were really no other deer around. I got up, but Raunun didn’t stir. So I practiced my sit-sliding and – I did it! I turned while sliding! And I managed to stay on the ground for quite some time. That’s about when Raunun woke up, and I slid in circles around him, laughing to myself in glee. I’d been trying to figure out how to properly sit-slide for ages. That’s when I heard a very familiar voice in the distance. I skidded to a stop, surprised. Seth!

Scrambling to my feet, I hurried over to where Seth was, Raunun in tow.



Nala was there, and Winterleaf. Raunun decided to show off for us in the pond, and we all stood at the cliff’s edge, watching in amazement.





Seth’s arrival pulled me out of my anti-social mood, as usual. It’s funny, the way I’m a totally different doe around him, isn’t it? Not that it matters, but…

Anyway, we had a lot of fun near the pond, though, like I said earlier, Seth seemed a bit out of it. Maybe he was just having an off day – or maybe I was just having a bad day, and my perception of other deer was off.



After a while, I came to notice the arrival of a rather familiar stag. It took a moment for me to recognize who it was. Then I remembered; it was the stag from the playground! The one I had taken such a liking to. I trotted over to where he was, laying near the stream. Torn between greeting him affectionately, and ignoring him altogether, I stood on the grassy knoll just before the stream, for a bit. After a while, I decided that I had already made a terrible enough impression, and that I didn’t have anything to lose. Trotting right down to where the stag laid, I gave him a nuzzle. He got up, and that was enough to send me right back into fear-mode. I retreated back to the knoll with my tail tucked in shame and anxiety. The poor buck probably thinks I’m a nutcase. Not that I’m entirely sane, anyway…

Seth and I played for a bit longer, and the stag – who said his name was Fenkovan – hung around to watch, for a bit. I hoped that he might come join us, but he never did. I felt pretty lousy – evidently, I had made a pretty bad impression, after all. But at least he had stuck around for a bit.

After a little bit, Seth said goodbye. I curled up next to him, and not long after he had gone, I took my leave, as well.

When I awoke, that pressure in my mind had returned. That feeling of being utterly helpless in a world full of monsters; that unrelenting terror; that inexorable need to hide. I slunk through the forest like a beaten fawn, disgusted with myself and focused on my need to be alone. That’s when I came across Fenkovan. At first, I wanted to try and approach him, pushing aside my apprehensive emotions. But then I noticed that he wasn’t alone. There were two other deer with him – one following closely at his side, and another laying near a tree, some distance away. I didn’t notice the third deer until she got up to join them. I waited near one of the trees, saddened by my own inability to join them. I listened as they frolicked around, their delighted laughter mocking me and my anxiety-curse.



I doubt any of them noticed me skulking about in the shadows; but I don’t mind. I mean, if they had noticed me, they would have tried to approach. One of them did get a little too close, at one point. I bolted, fearing for my life. But by the time I reached the safety of a nearby tree, I realized that he hadn’t been after me. They were merely playing. Having a good time. Being social. I laid down next to the tree to hide the fact that my legs were trembling.



After a while, one of the stags said goodbye. It wasn’t long before the doe had vanished, as well. I breathed a sigh of relief, rising from the safety of my hiding spot. I took a tentative step toward Fenkovan, trying to smile. I tried to appear friendly, to seem like anything other than the pathetic timid little doe that I am. He trotted toward me, his steps a bit halting. Perhaps he was frightened that he would scare me away – but there was no danger of that. I had already decided that I liked the buck; he wasn’t going to scare me away by coming any closer. We said our hellos, and had a little bit of fun. After a while, he curled up to rest. I laid down beside him, smiling at myself for being such a brave girl, today.



Just as I had begun to feel a bit more relieved, I was startled by the arrival of another deer. I scrambled to my feet and bolted, hiding behind a little sapling for protection. I cursed myself under my breath, feeling like a useless wretch. I listened as Fenkovan and the newly arrived deer said hello, then trotted off in separate directions. I lowered my head in shame and loneliness. Alone. The word should have made me feel safe, comfortable. But it didn’t. It only made me feel more… alone.

I followed Fenkovan for a bit, but I gave up after a while. I spend half of my time running away from other deer, and the other half of my time following them, desperately hoping they will befriend me. I did find him again, near the crying idol. He was laying alone, peering into the babbling stream with a lost sort of expression. I laid down nearby, careful not to impede on his personal space, but also secretly praying that he would notice me and welcome me over. I waited there until he fell asleep near the stream and disappeared.

Yesterday, I ran into a most curious deer. I had just woken up, and had been heading to the statues to perform my morning ritual, when I bumped into him. He was scaly and had a peculiar aura around him. Not a frightening aura, but… a spiritual one. He made me feel at ease, as if I wasn’t really so alone in the world, after all. I said hello to him, listening carefully as he came near. His steps were hesitant at first. I liked that.



After a bit, I decided that it was time for me to continue on with my morning ritual. I walked slowly at first, inviting him along. When he got the idea, I moved a bit faster, until we had arrived at the Twin God’s idols. I said my prayers and kissed the stones, before turning back to my newest companion. He was … different than most deer. I felt much more at ease around him. He wasn’t interested in jumping around or dancing – the usual deer-like antics. Rather, he was a more stoic creature; somehow I sensed that his spirit was quite similar to mine.

We travelled to the birch forest, where he suddenly became much more enlivened. He bounded through the forest at impeccable speeds, and I joined him – it feels good to fly through the air, like that. It’s the closest I can come to flying. Though I can’t see them anymore, I remember watching the little birds flit around through the sky, when I was a young fawn. I still revisit that memory often. My spirit belongs with them; with the birds.



After a while, however, I was forced to say goodbye. I was sad to say adieu to such an extraordinary and fascinating character; but I was given no option. I hope I run into the stag again, soon.



When I awoke once again, I found Seth sleeping in the birch forest. I approached him carefully, trying to meter the sound of his breathing. After a moment, I realized that he was sleeping. I laid next to him, hoping he would wake. I waited there for a long time; he never did so much as stir. I fell asleep beside him, lullabied by the sound of his heartbeat. When I awoke, he was gone.



Lemon