23 December 2012

I woke in my poppies, shaking all over from dreams that had haunted me in my sleep. For a moment I lay dazed, blinking. That's the funny thing about being blind -- when you wake from a particularly bad night of sleep, there are no morning rays of sunlight to light the dark of your nightmares and chase away your demons. There is only the ever-flowing darkness that surrounds you eternally.

But after a moment I began to hear the little birds chirping merrily nearby, and the chatter of squirrels racing along the forest floor. The sunlight on my back reminded me that I was once again in my beloved forest, no longer a wandering spirit in the throes of eternal damnation.

I had returned safely, to the place I called home.

Rising, I lifted my head and carefully took in my surroundings. Not far off, I found the familiar scent of Malikorin. He had become something of a deep intrigue for me, I found it hard to resist him. He wore the mask of my beloved Phantom, and had the silent, brooding mentality to match. Something in him reminded me also of Walter, the demon gazelle I had once called lover.

Even if reality would prove that he was entirely unlike either of these two pillars of my past, I could not help but cling to him to quell the feral, desperate need within me that I did not quite yet understand.

I moved slowly in his direction, uncertain as to whether he would accept my company. Alas, he did not seem to mind my company. After a brief greeting we settled down together between his trees. We talked for a long time together, two quiet old spirits musing on the marvels of life.

After some time, I was startled by the arrival of my brother, Seed! I could barely contain my excitement at seeing my long-lost kin. We danced and embraced, laughing and crying with joy. It had been so long...

Seed and I talked a little, but our time together was far too short. In no time, it seemed, my spirit was called away and my body fell into sleep.

--

When I awoke, night had fallen over the forest. I listened to the chirp of crickets and the mournful call of the forest owls. It seemed like the perfect time to go for a run.

So I ran. I ran, I leapt, I stretched the old legs I had so long been unable to use. When I finally stopped to catch my breath, finding the faerie-circle hill near the Ruins, I realized that I was not alone. Malik stood watching me, not far away. I could feel his intense gaze, boring into me. For a moment I waited, wondering if he would approach. He came a little closer, but not close enough for my taste.

So I traipsed down to meet him, and curled up beside him. We sat for a very long time together, listening to the song of the night. I dozed off twice, before finally getting up to dance with the fireflies. It'd been a long time since I had danced with them -- and Malik seemed absolutely dumbfounded by my erratic behavior.

I returned to Malik's side, laughing and embarrassed, and quietly dozed off to sleep.



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24 December 2012

When I awoke, snow had begun to fall. The warmth of the forest had vanished, replaced by a distinct chill. I shivered, stretching my limbs to warm them.

Not far off, I recognized a familiar scent -- Ephire. I moved cautiously in his direction, knowing that he was not alone. Indeed, the normally reserved creature was accompanied by two particularly boisterous fellows. He welcomed me into their little group, and the two strangers politely introduced themselves -- Herla and Verve.

Herla, a sprightly mini deer, was of particular interest to me. I sense something strange and familiar about her spirit. Something warm and inviting. Like many mini deer, she was bubbly and entertaining.

Verve was an antlered doe, unusually tall and athletic. She didn't seem to mind my intrusion, but she did not seem particularly keen on coming too close, either. I'm curious about her...

I settled down to listen while the three played among the mushrooms for a while before becoming distracted by the arrival of a young fawn.

Rising, I moved slowly toward the fawn, calling out to her. Immediately she ran to me and claimed me as her playmate. We danced together, hopping and giggling until we were quite out of breath, and then we settled down together to enjoy the snow.

After some time, the little fawn fell asleep by my side. I smiled, nosing her gently. Just as I was about to lay my neck protectively over the little one and fall asleep myself, my brother Seed came bounding up.

I rose sleepily, laughing and smiling at my adored brother. My sudden absence woke the little fawn -- and she was only delighted to find that she had yet another playmate with whom to play.

The three of us frolicked for some time, before little Vala met up with us. I was ecstatic to see my old friend again! We had a delightful time together -- the four of us, like old times long passed.

After some great while of our play, I lay breathless on the ground and drifted off into a heavy sleep.



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25 December 2012

I woke in an unusually good mood. The forest was full of magic and mischief -- it seemed everyone had a mind for trouble. I met a miniature deer who seemed achingly familiar, but I could not recall his name... We played for a good long while, romping and frolicking like children until I decided to lay down for a nap.

That was my mistake.

My sleep was filled with nightmares of the worst variant. Haunting faces and pain that seemed almost too real. I woke screaming with anguish and shaking.

My pain-striken cries seemed to rouse the attention of Lem -- who had been standing nearby. He rushed toward me, seeming a little concerned. I leaned against him, trying to calm my trembling body. He gave me a comforting embrace and insisted that we go for a walk.

Lem and I walked slowly through the forest -- he seemed to keep my blindness in mind, walking slow enough for me to keep pace -- until my brother Seed found us. I was delighted to see my brother again -- after so long apart, I cannot get enough of him now. Oh how I'd missed his merry laugh, his beautiful words, the wisdom of the trees... The three of us continued on our way, winding aimlessly together through the forest -- and already, I could feel my spirit lifting.

After some time, Lem lead us to a strange place. There stood three great candles -- I knew them immediately, for I could hear the great crackling of fire and the warm smell of the melting wax. Never had I imagined that candles could be so enormous! Seed and I seemed rather more amazed than Lem did -- we circled the massive pillars, laughing and pressing our noses into the soft wax that had dripped down the sides.

But soon it was time to move off. Lem lead us to a little place not far off, and by then my nightmares were long forgotten.

I became the Lemon of long days passed -- the happy Lemon, laughing and dancing and floating on air. My brother and I frolicked with Lem for a long, long while -- until I was too out of breath to keep up much longer (this old body hasn't been used in so long, it's still taking some getting used to).

The three of us ventured slowly over to the playground, where we met up with Scape and two others. I was shocked to find that they had taken on the form of mini-fawns. Giggling and cuddling on the miniature-Scape, I made sure my old friend knew how happy I was to see him.

Seed and I then settled down beside Lem, and I drifted off into a comfortable sleep.

--

When I awoke again, I was alone. I sensed Malikorin nearby, and my intrigue would not let me be. I moved haltingly in his direction, wondering whether he would mind my company on such a fine night. I found him nestled, asleep, with a doe I did not recognize. My insecurity getting the better of me, I lay down some distance away. Eventually my brother joined us, settling down beside me to reminisce and talk in low murmurs and soft, laughing whispers.

When he departed, I felt a little braver. I rose to my feet, greeting the unknown doe with a careful sniff and tilt of my head. The stranger, Umay, seemed friendly enough, and I began to relax. Malik stirred, seeming a little surprised to see me there. I leaned my head against him, rubbing against his chest like a cat -- which seemed to surprise him even more. Laughing, I settled down beside him, and there we lay for some time. Sleepy after such a long day, I began to doze...

I woke to the shrill sound of childish laughter and the tug of my mask. I opened my eyes, shocked to feel my mask slide away. Frantic, I rose and felt the ground around my feet, searching desperately for my mask. But it was not there... Had a fawn just stolen my mask?! Good gods! Feeling sudden panic that Malik would see my horrifying face and knowing the revulsion that would surely find him, I ran off.

I fell asleep hiding in the ruins, curled tightly against myself with my face pressed hidden against a hind leg...



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26 December 2012

I woke on one of the larger rocks in the playground, surrounded by candles. Nearby, I sensed the presence of Umay and a few others I did not know.. It would have been easy to slip away unseen, but I decided to lay and listen while the little group played.

It wasn't long before I was approached by one of the deer I did not recognize. She was an unusual thing -- immediately, I liked her. I sensed that her spirit was an ancient one, a soul born of eternity. She smelled of incense, a scent I had never encountered in the forest before. To my sensitive nose, the spicy aroma of god-food was divine. She introduced herself as Jorogumo, and urged me to join her little group nearby.

I followed her meekly, allowing her to guide me into the group, whereupon the deer all stirred and crowded around me, sniffing and prodding me with their noses. Though I could not help but feel a little insecure by all of this sudden crowding, I merely smiled shyly and gave each deer a little curtsy.

There was Friiha, who was about my size. She seemed quite friendly -- and her touch revealed a pelt of fur softer than any I'd ever encountered before. Of course there was also Umay -- and I, being delighted to have a familiar face nearby -- gave her a gentle nudge of affection. There was also a tiny young male by the name of Karu, and a jackel-like creature named Satchel. Satchel made me a little nervous, to be honest. I don't know what it is, but I have always been a little nervous about the canine-creatures of the forest.

After a lengthy introduction process, I began to dance and play with my newfound companions. We blew bubbles at each other and I found myself giggling until my belly ached. Slowly, my trepidation over being in such a large group of unknown deer began to fade away.

I was startled by the swift arrival of Malikorin. The great stag had brought along Kody, the enormous wolf-like pup I had once met before. Kody still made me a little nervous, but if Malik trusted him I could find no reason not to do the same. I greeted Malikorin affectionately, hopping cicles joyously around him before nuzzling up against his chest. I bit my lip, stifling a grin at his awkward inability to decide on how to respond. I forget that he isn't so inclined toward physical affection.

We sat together for some time before I began to feel quite thirsty. I rose, hoping someone might join me on my trek to the pond, but no one seemed interested. So I moved hastily away, hoping to make the trip as short as possible.

After having a drink, I began making my way back to the group. Halfway there, I stumbled across a fellow I had never seen before. He was large, imposing, and for some time I remained frozen, unsure of what to do. I wished someone had come with me to the pond, for now I found myself facing this beast of a creature alone. Alas, the large stag seemed not to notice me -- and I slipped away safely.

I returned to the playground to find Malik waiting for me. He seemed a little cross, but I offered him an apologetic smile and tried to refrain from bumping my head affectionately against him. This seemed to suit him just fine, and we lay down together once again.

After a while I began feeling a little playful. I rose, dancing a little, and the other deer began to stir one-by-one. I played for a while with my new companions, particularly taken with Umay and Joro.

Hoping to entice Malik into a little play, I crept up to him and sniffed at him, my fluffy tail wiggling happily. He sniffed back, ruffling my feathers with his heavy breath, seeming a little confused. I took a brave step toward him and again I sniffed, stretching my neck just a little further -- and then, as sneakily as I could, I rubbed my head affectionately against him. Before he could respond I sprang away, leaping and darting, hardly able to contain my glee. I succeeded in getting him to play chase, but I think he was taking it a little more seriously than I was. He seemed quite irritated with me, and shoved his antlers threateningly in my direction. I was, of course, undeterred. One day I'll get him to open up a little.

His grumpiness did not seem to last long, at any rate. We settled down together on the rock again, enjoying the silence of the night. But our peace would not last long. Joro suddenly sprinted off, much to everyone's apparent surprise. Malik and Friiha took off after her, and I found myself caught between the two splintered groups. Eventually I trailed after Malik, Friiha, and Joro, and sat some distance off in a patch of long grass. I thought perhaps the trio would like some time alone, so I made myself comfortable and prepared to doze off.

I was startled awake by the sound of Malik approaching (by now I know the sound of his footsteps quite well). He demanded that I join them, and so I followed him back to the group. I curled up against him, yawning sleepily, and the four of us huddled together beneath one of the mushrooms.

Some time later I awoke to the sound of forest magic. A stranger had passed by and granted me a new pelt. I rose, stretching, and shook it away. Then, stepping away from Malik -- who, I assumed, was getting rather tired of my constant touching -- I curled up against the stalk of the mushroom and fell asleep.

Dreams found me -- sweet dreams of dancing and laughing and blowing bubbles -- and when I woke again, Malik had curled his large body around mine, and was fast asleep.



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27 December 2012

When I woke, I found myself near a frightening creature I had only once before encountered. His name, it seems, is Ramsus. He lay sleeping nearby, accompanied by a doe I'd met briefly -- Isiel. I wanted to approach the pair, as Ramsus intrigued me deeply, and Isiel seemed like someone I dearly wished to befriend. Alas, I could not gather the courage to approach the duo -- so I merely remained where I was, waiting to see if they would notice me. They never seemed to -- but another deer certainly did.

As I lay quietly in the long grass, a stranger approached me, stomping at me and casting magic spells. Terrified, I got up and tried to introduce myself. He disappeared, evidently to acquire another spell, and spammed me again. Flustered, I tried to tell him to stop -- but he wouldn't let me alone. I relocated, trying to get him off my back, and that's when Reed took notice.

As I heard Reed approaching, I immediately began to feel better. I embraced the stag affectionately, glad to have his companionship and protection. The stranger returned, pelting me with spells, and I hid behind Reed. He stood in front of me, protecting me from the wily deer. Faced with a larger deer, the stranger lost interest in antagonizing me and decided to move on. I thanked Reed and allowed him to lead me over to a patch of flowers where Herla was waiting.

I embraced the doe graciously, happy to see her again. Herla seems like such a friendly spirit -- and yet there is something ancient and unending about her soul. I would love to know more about her -- and as we began to frolic in the flowers together, I thought perhaps I might get the chance. Unfortunately, that was not the case. My attacker returned, pelting Herla and I with spells. Reed fought him off, chasing him away as we stood together, not really sure what to do.

After we were joined by a mischievous little guy by the name of Castallion, Herla sprinted off away from the little group. I was concerned, but Reed didn't go after her until she reappeared nearby. Herla lead us all to the Drinkplaats, where we finally found a moment of peace. I dozed off, comforted by the presence of Herla at my side, and Reed's ever-watchful gaze behind me.

ooc } To the spellspammer: I couldn't find your deer on the map! But just wanted to say this is IC, and I don't mind a bit of spellspam fun. :3 Lemon-deer just likes to baaww.



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28 December 2012

I could sense Umay and Joro nearby. I found them near the pond, circled around a tiny doe I did not recognize. They seemed rather ill at ease -- there was something tense and uninviting in the atmosphere. I sat some distance away, uncertain as to what was going on, until Karu and Joro got up to greet me.

After greeting everyone, I felt a little better. Malik made his inevitable appearance, and I jogged happily in his direction, smiling like a god-damned fool. I have no idea what he feels for me, but Malik has become one of the forest inhabitants I most look forward to seeing.

Maybe it's because he reminds me of the Phantom -- cold, impossible to love, blunt and demanding. What is it that inevitably attracts me to these types? Was it not enough self-punishment to have suffered the kicks, bites, and blows from Walter? No, evidently I needed to surround myself with deer who felt nothing but borderline-disdain for me, to waste my cuddles and love-rubs for only the coldest hearts.

Then again, maybe it's something about trying to believe that there's good in everyone. I've always held to that thought. Maybe it's like a project I feel I have to undertake -- to warm the coldest forest hearts.

I don't know. I'm getting off track, here.

As I was making my way up to Malik to greet him, I was stunned to feel a blow suddenly strike my right side. It wasn't a serious blow -- the offender seemed to be the tiny, malevolent spirit I had sensed earlier. Shocked, I froze in place, unsure of what to do. When the doe struck again, I knew it had been no accident.

I turned and trotted away -- blood dripping from a scrape down my leg -- determined not to be dragged into the violence. Violence is not in me. When the doe came after me again I began to tremble with uncertainty. But it seemed she was acting alone. There was a scuffle -- Malik and Joro turned her away, and suddenly she was gone.

Joro seemed concerned with my health, I assured her that I was fine. Just a little scraped and bruised. I think what hurt the most was my confidence. This group, it seems, is rather tightly-knit. I was already tentative about being among them.

But Joro, Karu, and Umay made me feel a little better. Even Satchel seemed a little concerned.

Vala and Flyleaf trotted toward me, accompanied by another deer I did not recognize. I was glad to see my friends, but my recent fright and fresh wounds left me feeling none-too-glad about romping around. Thankfully they seemed to understand, and busied themselves elsewhere.

Eventually, the lot of us trotted elsewhere to settle down. Malik remained at a distance, and I wondered why.

After a while of laying beside little Karu and Joru, I got up to see if Malik might join us. I embraced him, stretching my neck to rub my head affectionately against his shoulder. I asked if he was okay, and he seemed alright. With a few encouraging nudges we made our way back to where the group was laying. I dozed, pleased, beside him.

When I awoke, Umay and Joro were milling about. I joined them for a moment, but their restlessness made me anxious. With Malik evidently dozing off, I decided it was time to take a stroll. Perhaps Vala and Flyleaf were still about -- I was feeling much better, by now.

I trotted off, not really looking for anything or anyone in particular, when I suddenly came across a strong scent of feathers. I hesitated, moving slowly in the direction of the scent. I nearly bumped into a silent feathery fellow whose name, it seemed, was Riften. He had been with a companion -- Topsail -- who seemed rather annoyed at being intruded upon.

It didn't really matter, I was more curious about this feathered fellow. But my curiosity would not be quenched.

Suddenly Malik was there, shaking his antlers and stamping. I trotted to his side, frightened and embarrassed. If he didn't trust this stranger, I knew it would be wise to stick with him. With all that had happened today, I didn't feel like taking unnecessary risks.

Riften and Topsail soon retreated, and Malik turned to me. I could feel his eyes on me -- like he could see all the way through to my very bones. Suddenly he announced that we were going for a walk, and lead me off.

We trotted for some time through the forest, occasionally leaping and jumping with joy (I knew there was more than a cold, mechanical heart in there!), until we reached the stream. We drank from the stream and played in the crying idol's falls. When we climbed up onto the shore, our fur soaked through, Malik shook off and showered me with droplets. I laughed, shaking off and showering him back. He pretended to be annoyed, but I know better.

From there we made our way to the pond, where we splashed around a bit, having fun like two little children. After getting out and drying off again, we made our way to the playground, where we could warm up on sun-baked rocks.

I nestled in beside Malik, my eyelids drooping drowsily. After a moment, I laid my head over one of his bony legs and drifted off to sleep.

When I awoke, my brother Seed had approached us. I greeted him warmly and invited him to join us -- but by then I knew I would need to sleep, soon. It had been a long day. As I lay nestled between Malik and Seed, I yawned and let my head droop forward. Sleep... yes... I needed it...



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29 December 2012

My brother Seed and I spent the morning together, hopping around and being generally silly. My wounds had begun healing nicely and I was back to my old self. Raunun showed up at one point, and I could have died from happiness. I made sure he knew just how badly I'd missed him! But he was gone all-too-soon, and it was just my brother and I again.

A very large herd of deer happened to pass us, and I motioned for Seed to follow. Eventually we caught up to them, where they had all gathered into a dance line. We danced and played in the big group for some time until I decided to curl up for a nap.

My dreams haunted me again, and I woke gasping and choking back tears. Shakily I climbed to my feet, hoping my brother was still around. Sadly, he was not. I sensed Joro nearby -- about the time that she spotted me -- and we trotted toward each other. I gave her an affectionate hug, but I was a little out of it.

I joined her group, eventually catching wind of the feathered fellow I had met the day before. Riften. I tried to introduce myself, but he insisted on shoving his antlers in my face. I was frightened for a moment, until I realized he wanted to spar with me. Embarrassed that my gender should be so obviously mistaken, I tried to lure him into a game of chase, instead.

Eventually he went off to spar with Topsail -- the grumpy fellow I had noticed yesterday in the blueberry bowl. I snuck Riften a butt-nuzzle, but this only seemed to irritate Topsail. So I sulked off.

Eventually Reed found me, and lead me back to his logs. There, I was almost knocked out with surprise to find Darcy there! Good gods, I'd never imagined I would bump into him again! I nuzzled him affectionately, and introduced myself to the two does who accompanied him. One seemed rather shy, so I tried to keep my distance.

I've been having this feeling in my belly all day... Like I don't quite belong here anymore. I eventually got up to see if there was anyone interested in playing for a bit, but everyone seemed preoccupied. I've seen so many of my old friends, but they've all changed. They all have new families, new aspirations, even new personalities in some cases.

I went to my poppies and lay, thinking of the Phantom. These had been his poppies, once upon a time... Now it seemed there was no one left but me to even remember his presence.

Had he even been real?

Or had it all been a figment of a lonely child's imagination?

I lay my head on my forelegs and tried to tell myself not to cry. I tried to tell myself that I was just being silly. I tried to remind myself of what Kaoori had said -- that I would always have a place with her. At the time it had been so easy to accept.

Now, I'd never felt so alone.

--

I was startled to hear Malik approaching. Embarrassed, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and offered him a sad excuse for a smile. With a sigh he sat silently beside me, closer than I knew was comfortable for him. I leaned against him, comforted by his presence.

Seed trotted up soon after, and sat at my other side. None of us really said much, and I appreciated that. It was fine enough just to have them by my sides, and I didn't really trust myself to speak and say something I'd regret later, anyway.

So the three of us lay silently side by side by side.

Slowly, I could feel my loneliness slipping away.



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30 December 2012

I woke in the early morning to the departure of my brother. I yawned and smiled, giving him a sleepy farewell before he trotted off. Stretching my legs, I noted that Malik was still fast asleep beside me. Having been successfully cheered from my earlier mope (it doesn't take much, does it?), I was feeling insatiably playful. I rubbed on Malik's antlers, giggling like a child, until he woke. I rubbed against his legs one more time for good measure -- which, thankfully, didn't seem to aggravate him. For a moment he simply stared at me, no doubt pretending to be irritated. I pranced around him, triumphant.

After a moment of this, I went and hid behind a clump of poppies. He came over to investigate, and I popped out of the flowers, sneaking him a little nuzzle. He seemed to be in good spirits, and didn't reprimand me, for once. I think I may have even heard him chuckle, at one point. Of course, it was a dry and uncomfortable sort of sound, more of a grunt than a laugh -- the kind of thing you do when you're more confused than anything. But at least it was something.

Eventually I grew sleepy, and said my goodbye. I thanked him for cheering me up, and curled up to sleep.

--

When I awoke, I sensed Riften nearby. I trotted over in his direction, not really sure what I intended to do or say once I got there. Rather than doing anything sensible, I decided to hide behind a rock and hope he didn't notice me. He noticed me.

After a few awkward greetings, I tried to lure him into a game. But he seemed sad and grumpy. I tilted my head, confused, and tried to tell him not to be sad, but it didn't quite have much of an effect. Eventually we were joined by Laurette, who I was happy to see! We followed Riften around for a while until he stuck his antlers in our faces and warned us off. Rude. But my spirits were too high to let it get me down. Instead, I trotted over to the old oak to rest for a bit.

Reed found me there, but he didn't approach as he normally would. He just sort of stood there staring at me. After a cheery hello failed to illicit any response, I began to feel a little uncomfortable. Why was he just staring at me? I shuffled my feet a bit, not really sure what to do.

Thankfully Lem appeared right then, and whisked me away. We were joined by Vala, and had quite an afternoon of fun together. Vala showed off her incredible flying and tree climbing skills, while Lem and I frolicked and danced below. Finally, Lem said goodbye, and Vala was off like a rocket. I returned to the Gods statues to lay in peace for a bit, eventually dozing off to sleep.



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31 December 2012

May the Gods DAMN IT ALL!

After all my sunny promises to Kaoori, after all my determination to do the right thing, it all came to nothing. Because.. because.. why? Why do I let him affect me?

I was startled awake by a lightning strike and a long, wailing scream. Leaping to my feet with my heart in my throat, it slowly dawned on me that the scream had been my own -- but the lightning had been all too real. The stench of sulfer and smoldering earth was everywhere.

I took off running, and was arrested suddenly by a scent far worse than fire. Walter.

My mind was a mess -- is a mess. I was angry, I was frightened, I was delighted. I still am.

I .. I...

I had to stay away. I had promised Kaoori that I would.

Suddenly I had never wanted Malikorin by my side so badly. But of course, the Gods could never be kind. He was nowhere to be found.

There was only Walter.

Walter, everywhere.

All around me.

And suddenly, there he was.

I waited.

Time stopped, my breath hitched, my heart froze.

He had found me.

He moved slowly in my direction, seeming not to believe that it was me. I stood still as stone, ready to bolt at any moment. Wanting to run. But my body betrayed me. Instead I found myself moving toward him, like a creature in a trance.

I touched him, and a flood of memories rushed at me. I felt my eyes stinging with tears, and his breath on my neck.

God, this was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I wrenched myself away, breathing hard, not sure what to do. I tried to keep my voice cold and aloof as I spoke, but it trembled and betrayed my emotions. I told him I was angry with him, that he had betrayed me. He tried to touch me again, and I pulled away.

No, no..

I ...

A final time he moved toward me, stamping and demanding that I return his affection. And suddenly I was angry -- I spat words of hellfire at him, telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. And immediately I was sorry for it.

I tried to tell him that he had hurt me, that he was a monster, that I couldn't love him.

He tried to tell me not to be sad, as if it could be so easy.

I couldn't... I can't...

I felt dizzy and sick.

I sank to my belly and he tried to sit beside me. I stumbled away and collapsed just a few feet off.

Darcy was there, I don't know when or why he approached. But I felt his warm, comforting touch, and suddenly I realized that my cheeks were wet with tears. And then Seed was there, sitting between Walter and I, nudging me to try and rouse me.

I don't know what to do.

Damn this.

_{Damn me.}



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31 December 2012 - Part 2

It didn't take long to find Malikorin, but he was in no mood for touching -- I couldn't get close to him. He was pacing, his breath heavy and ragged, obviously in a deep state of emotional turmoil. I couldn't fathom what was wrong, and I was concerned. I tried to comfort him, to tell him it was okay. He seemed intent on brushing the snow off of me, cursing it every other moment. I told him it might be wise to retreat to the oak, where the snow wouldn't bother us.

At the oak tree, he finally relented and allowed me to come close. I curled up against him, laying my head over his broad back, worried as he slipped into a feverish coma-like sleep.

And suddenly, Walter was there.

He was yelling, shouting, cursing.

I turned, startled.

"Who's this?" Walter demanded, his voice a low hiss. Wearily, I rose to my feet and faced him. "What does it matter to you?" Suddenly I was angry. It wasn't his business. He had fathered several fawns and slept with my best friend -- was I not allowed even to find comfort in snuggling against a sick friend?

But part of me knew Walter had reason to be angry. To say Malik was merely a friend to me was perhaps an understatement...

But was it any of Walter's business? No.

"I don't belong to you," I hissed. Immediately, I knew the words had struck him hard. There was a tense silence, and then...

He was screaming, throwing his antlers at me, kicking me, cursing me.

I fought back as well as I could, my anger rising with every blow he delivered. I don't know when the others joined in -- but in no time it seemed I was joined by Riften and Topsail, and two deer I did not recognize. They were fighting alongside me, warning Walter to leave me alone. My heart was full of pride, knowing that I had such support by my side. Walter backed down, frustrated beyond words, and I breathlessly thanked by saviors.

Riften and Topsail remained standing guard outside the oak tree for some time.

I returned to Malik, collapsing beside him. He began to stir -- thank the Gods -- and immediately he knew something was wrong. I explained what had happened, and he swore to me that Walter would pay. I ... I couldn't protect Walter, this time. Not again. I told him I would not stand in his way.

Malikorin licked my wounds, cleaning the blood from my stained pelt. He was so gentle, so comforting... We talked together for a long time, alone in the old oak as the snow piled up outside. In the distance, I could hear the New Year's party beginning, but I was in no mood for celebrating, even if I had been able to walk.

I... I told Malik how much he meant to me. He.. he took it well.

After a hellish day, I laid my head against him and drifted off to sleep.



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