This is a response to my misunderstandings about wolves and personal demons. It is meant to be cathartic.

If you would like to help me with this journey, there are a few things I could use - a drawing or artwork of my Quad as a wolf instead of a deer; a website with more information about wolves; a picture of a wolf you find particularly beautiful; or just a comment that you feel will help. Anything and everything is appreciated.

Parts of this are graphic so be warned

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I took a walk today at a local park. I needed to clear my head. School, personal drama, and the events from the previous year had been haunting me for many months now. Before me was an entrance to a path in the woods just off of the park's walkway. I took a deep breath and walked on the trail, each step taking me deeper and deeper into nature itself.

The lighting became darker, the canopy seemed to absorb much of the sunlight. I also noticed that the further I walked, the less I heard the noise of the city around me. No longer was I hearing the sounds of cars going by, children playing, and so on...no, the further in, the quieter things got.

I heard a twig snap nearby. As I looked into the trees, I saw a figure rush past. It was too fast for me to see any details. "Must be someone's dog.", I said to myself, and continued on.

I stopped, my heart skipping a beat. There before me, right on the trail, was the body of a doe. I was completely surprised, I rarely see wild deer in this city. It was like it was out of place. But there was something else there, something frightening. Wolf!

It was biting into the deer. I watched as the carnivore ripped the doe's flesh off, seeming to swallow the bits whole. I never saw it chew.

Angered, I found a stick nearby and rushed at the wolf. It spotted me, the brown fur standing up, the yellow eyes meeting my own. And then it ran off, abandoning the deer carcass on the trail. I slowed my pace until I stood next to the doe, watching as the predator seemed to vanish into the trees.

"You bastard!", I broke the silence. I looked down on the doe, my body trembling in anger and deep sorrow. I knelt down and began to pet her fur, feeling so very sorry for her losing her life in such a way. A small pool of blood had formed where her belly was opened up, and a few parts of her organs stuck out like loose wires in a machine. The only thought that repeated in my mind were the words, "That bastard destroyed her!"

Another sound startled me. I heard something approach, brushing the leaves underfoot. As I turned, my blood went cold. There before me was another wolf - a different one, though. It didn't have the same color of fur.

I grabbed the twig I had found to ward off the first wolf, and my rage began to build. "Get out of here, you disgusting thing! You can't have this deer!", I roared at the wolf.

The creature tilted his head at me. "Chris, don't you recognize me?", he asked.

That voice...that sweet voice...it cut through my anger at once. I was in such surprise and disbelief that the twig in my hand slipped right out. Blue and white fur. Gentle, loving brown eyes.

"That can't be you, Quad. That can't be! You're supposed to be a...", I began, but he finished my sentence. "A deer, I know. But keep in mind that all Endless Forest deer have the power to shapeshift into other animals. Squirrels, doves, frogs, and so on, normally. But this is different. You need to learn a few things today.", he spoke to me.

"I don't understand. How could you possibly be a wolf, Quad? Don't deer hate wolves?", I began to question him.

"Deer fear wolves, Chris, but it's part of their life. They understand that they will make a sacrifice sooner or later in life. It doesn't mean they necessarily enjoy death, but instead of seeing this in such a negative way, think of it like the deer are giving. Remember what Vandettta said, 'Deer and wolves need each other to survive.'"

He began to walk deeper into the path, and turning, he said, "Come on. There's a place nearby where we can sit and discuss this better." I looked toward the deer carcass, but Quad assured me, "Don't worry about her. She has given her life today, and in a few moments the wolf that killed her will return with others. She has accepted that her body will be sustenance for the wolves, and in return they will honor her by using every bit of her body, down to her bones. It's a mutual existence, Chris. That's part of what you need to learn."

The wolf followed the path, and with a heavy sigh, I followed.

He led me to a strange old place, it was a circular platform with pillars that rose around it. It looked like an ancient meeting place, and I wondered why it was out here in the middle of the woods. In the center was a stone bench. "Sit.", he instructed. I did so, walking past him and sitting on the old bench.

The blue wolf paced around me. He made me feel uncomfortable, I expected him to leap at me at any point. He stopped before me, sitting and speaking, "Do you remember learning about animal totems?"

"Of course. Mine are the goose and the deer.", I replied.

"Mhmm...do you remember the shadow totems?", he then asked.

"I do. They are the creature we fear the most, but they're there to teach us a lesson. Mine are bees, wasps, hornets...pretty much anything that flies and stings.", I said.

"Good. Now, remember what I just said before about deer and wolves. You see, there are connections in nature much like the totems that your natives followed. We as animals also have our own shadow totems. In a deer's case, the wolf is one of them.", Quad spoke. He then continued, "Now think about this. You know very well that I am a part of you. Therefore, we share our relations to other animals. I also have the same fears of bees and wasps like you do, and you...", he began, but I interrupted, "I don't fear wolves, though."

The blue wolf smiled, "Yeah you do. You fear big dogs, you're always worried that they're going to bite you or overpower you. And wolves are essentially big dogs. See the connection?", he asked.

I didn't respond, but he knew that the lesson had sunk in. He had a point - I was wary of large dogs. Quad knew me inside and out.

He continued, "Therefore, the wolf is your shadow totem as well. So you need to learn a lesson from him. Now, Kaoori told you that wolves are important to her, and she gave you some information about them. Let's see what we can learn from that."

The blue wolf quoted from the description of the wolf totem:

"Wolves are highly misunderstood animals, who have gained the reputation of being cold blooded. In reality wolves are friendly and social creatures. Aggression is something they avoid, preferring rather to growl or create a posture to show dominance.

Wolves represent the spirit of freedom, but they realize that having individual freedom requires having responsibilities.

Because wolf is a teacher and pathfinder, he comes when we need guidance in our lives. Those who have a Wolf Totem will move on to teach others about sacredness and spirituality. Wolf can also teach how to balance the responsibility of family needs and not to lose one's personal identity.

Wolf teaches us to develop strength and confidence in our decisions. He shows we will learn to trust our insights once we learn how to value our inner voice. This wisdom keeps us from inappropriate action. If wolf appears in your life examine where you need to develop more confidence and if you need more balance between friends, family, and yourself."

Quad paused for a moment. Then he said, "See any parallels to your own life there?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I'm lacking self confidence. I'm afraid to speak up on things I stand for because I worry about offending others or just flat out looking stupid in front of people.", I said. "I also have been feeling trapped lately, and want to find my own freedom and individuality."

"Good answers.", Quad nodded. "Now you're starting to see why wolves really are important to your own life, even though you've shunned and hated them for a long time. On to the next lesson, then."

^

He approached me and turned, saying, "Two scenes will appear before you - one to the left and one to the right. Watch."

As he said those words, four animals appeared before us from the trees - two to the left and two to the right. To the left was a doe and a fawn, the mother scanning around while the fawn grazed seemingly oblivious to his surroundings. To the right was a she-wolf and her pup, the mother resting while the pup pawed a leaf curiously.

"They're similar.", I said. The blue wolf nodded, "In this case, both are identical. Do you remember your Buddhist teachings? Do you remember learning how everyone suffers?", he asked. I nodded, and as he saw me nod, he spoke, "Observe suffering first-hand, Chris."

At that moment, I saw a fox spring out from the bushes, racing toward the doe and her fawn. The doe was completely surprised and didn't react in time as the fox snatched up her fawn. He was so fast that the doe cried out in complete shock, chasing after him. I heard the fawn crying out in horror, and soon I couldn't see them past the trees. Then I turned to the mother wolf and her child, seeing something just as similar - a coyote rushed toward them and caught the pup in his mouth, vanishing into the trees just as quickly. The mother wolf gave chase, barking and calling.

Then a moment of silence. I asked Quad, "...Are they going to catch up? Will the fawn and pup be saved?" He didn't reply, motioning to watch. I looked back over in time to see both of the mothers return, tears in their eyes. The doe collapsed and cried out in deep burden. The she-wolf curled up and shivered in horror. Both were suffering the same reality.

"Why show me this?", I asked.

"Everyone suffers, Chris.", Quad repeated. "This is the reality of nature. It's not just deer that have moments of horror. Wolves are just as susceptible to the same realities." He saw I was shaken up by the sights, but that was his sign that the lesson had been learned. Moving back in front of me, he said, "Next lesson."

^^

"Remember everything your friends have said to you. Let's reflect on Anjali's words:", he spoke, pacing around me while he recited:

"I remember reading about outbreaks of chronic wasting disease--a fatal neurological disease that affects deer and elk--harming populations of deer in places like Wisconsin and Yellowstone. However, populations that are preyed on by wolves have low incidence of the disease, and the deer remain healthy and vigorous.

Wolves constantly test their prey, looking for weaknesses--so their hunting style often removes animals that are sick or wouldn't survive long otherwise. This is what helps prevent chronic wasting disease from spreading throughout a deer population--wolves help prevent the disease from being established and transmitted to other deer, as the sick deer are easier prey. Of course, wolves do kill healthy adults sometimes--but most of the time they will take more vulnerable prey.

From this, both the wolves and the deer benefit as a whole--and therefore, the entire ecosystem both species lives in benefits too."

He paused for the moment, letting me reflect on all of this. "Deer need wolves, Chris!", Quad spoke.

"No, I cannot accept that.", I replied. The wolf, hearing my denial, leapt up, forcing his front paws onto my chest. His face was within inches of mine, his eyes staring into mine without blinking.

"Why can't you accept the truth? Deer and wolves are partners in life, not enemies! Remember the proverb Anjali told you, 'It is the caribou which feeds the wolf…but it is the wolf, which keeps the caribou strong.'", the wolf spoke.

"Get off of me!", I spat and shoved him off of me. I stood and ran, I didn't want to hear any more. "How could deer possibly need wolves?", I questioned to myself. Quad heard my words, but he stayed behind, watching me run the way we had come before.

I slowed to a halt when I saw the body of the doe from before, but now she was surrounded by wolves. Three large adults looked up at me when I came into view. I started to get angry again, and I was about to approach them when I stopped - two very small wolf pups looked up from the other side of the body. "Is he going to hurt us, mommy?", one of them asked one of the adult wolves. "No, sweetie. Just keep eating. He won't bother us.", the mother replied.

My heart sank. I took a few steps back, in complete shock. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glowing mist. I turned to see the manifestation of a doe, just sitting there, watching the wolves eat. I looked to her, completely startled, my head filling with thoughts. "Are...are you...?", I tried to ask. The spirit doe nodded her head, "Yes, my friend. I was the doe that the wolves are eating from."

"Aren't you angry about all this? You lost your life for no reason today.", I questioned her.

The doe shook her head, "Actually, I am at peace. I have lived a life both of burden and of wonder. I was tired and suffering today, and the wolf provided a swift and painless death. Now I can watch his family fulfill their oath to the deer.", she said with a kind tone in her voice.

"I don't understand.", I admitted to her.

The creature smiled, "Humans may never understand the harmony of nature. The wolves bring death to those of us who are weary, ill, and suffering. They allow the strongest of us to live on. And in the same respect, we allow them to live and never go hungry. It is a mutual pact."

The words pierced my heart. I could no longer be angry, hearing the words from the very doe who lost her life today. I reached out and touched the mist, expecting to feel nothing but air, but instead I could feel the warmth of her body. She reacted lovingly, closing her eyes and raising up her head in a beautiful sense of comfort. She spoke a few more words to me, "Do not cry for us who find our peace this way. It is our responsibility to provide food for the wolves, and it is their responsibility to respect us and use every part of our bodies that they can. I will live a new life soon, in the coming days I will be a new fawn and the cycle will start all over. I will eat the grass that grew from the bodies of those fallen - deer and wolves. We all show our respect to the land in this way."

She stayed a few more moments before vanishing before my eyes, the warmth fading away. I looked back to the wolves, who had picked the doe's body clean to the bones. They turned and left the path, though one stayed behind for a few more moments. "Thank you for your gift, my friend. Our pact has been honored, may you be at peace.", the wolf mother spoke, and then turned to rejoin the rest of her pack.

I went back to the meeting place, where Quad waited for me. I stopped there, unsure what to say to him, unsure if he would ever forgive me for doubting him.

He gave me a gentle smile and nodded his head. He knew everything I was thinking.

I approached him, my mind much more clear now after the sight I had just seen. "Quad, I'm...", I began to apologize, but he nudged my hand with his face. "No need, Chris. I understand."

^^^

"For the next lesson, let me show you these images.", the wolf spoke while I sat back down on the old bench. He spread a few leaves on the ground, each one with a distinct picture...ones I had seen. "Serendipity and Vandettta provided these for you. I remember you were pretty moved by them the first time you saw a wolf and a deer together, alive I mean. I wonder what made you change your mind..."

I studied the leaves one by one...



"I do remember these. They're actually quite beautiful.", I spoke.

Quad nodded, "And?", he asked.

"...And it shows how much deer and wolves really need each other.", I said.

"Good. I think you are nearly to a point of understanding.", the wolf smiled. He stood before me, the sky darkening, the land becoming shrouded. The pillars around us illuminated, the cracks within them giving off an abnormal red glow. I stood and looked around in surprise. "What is all this, Quad?", I asked him.

"It is time for your final lesson.", the wolf spoke. He leapt at me, knocking me to the ground. The wolf stood over me, and kissing me on the forehead, he spoke the words, "Vive, il Lupo! Vive!"

I knew the words all to well. "Live, wolf! Live!", the words were spoken in Italian.

And then something terrible happened. I watched Quad morph from a wolf to the form I am most familiar with him. He was a deer once again. But he wasn't the only one. My body painfully shifted. My legs bent backwards. My head stretched, my teeth sharpened. My hands and feet merged into paws.

"Shh...it'll be over soon, Chris.", Quad whispered to me. I cried out as my body became something other than human.

And then...I lied there, my body sore, different.

"Quad...Quad...please...tell I'm not a...", I cried at him.

The deer answered me once again with a simple nod. He had turned me into a wolf.

"To understand completely the creature you've hated for so long, you must live a moment as one of them. The transformation has made you hungry. And your prey...", the deer turned at this moment, "...is me." As he spoke the words, Quad sprung and disappeared into the trees.

I struggled to my feet, the posture of a wolf new and unstable. But I could smell the world around me. I saw tiny details in the woods that as a human I had missed. I could hear and feel Quad's hoofbeats as they struck the ground. The experience was magnificent.

"Quad!", I called out in a howl. Taking my first steps, I nearly lost my balance, but stepped in a way where I caught myself. Walking was difficult at first, but I managed to get the hang of it. Then I began to run, and I could follow the direction Quad went by his scent in the air.

"Come, brother!", I heard a howl nearby. Another wolf ran with me at this moment. "He is close. The blue one is testing us.", she spoke. I nodded, "I know. He wants me to catch him.", I said.

We stopped. "Listen...", the she-wolf whispered, lifting her ears, scanning. I did the same. I heard something chewing on strands of grass, just as clearly as if I was standing right by him. "There he is.", I replied. "Take the kill, brother. He is your hunt.", the she-wolf said, and turning she said, "I will cut off his escape path so you will have a straight shot at him."

She vanished in that moment, her movements were quiet even for my ears. My eyes were locked on the grazing blue deer through the trees.

I stared at him for a few moments, observing every little detail about him. His majestic antlers, his shimmering fur, his beautiful markings. He lifted his head and scanned around. He knew I was close, but he didn't spot me. Slowly, Quad lowered his head and ate some more.

My empty stomach pained me, my mouth watered. I could no longer think about what I was doing, who I was hunting. I only thought about the prey before me.

I took a few steps forward, and then...

...it happened so very quickly. Not even Quad realized when I took him down. He hit the ground hard, I stood before him, my eyes suddenly tearing up.

He smiled. "Well done. Now finish what you started.", Quad said. He closed his eyes.

My heart was racing. I quivered in terrible excitement. And then the words came out from my lips, "I thank you for your sacrifice...Quad..."

I bit his neck here. He struggled just a little, and then...his body lay at rest.

I hated to say the final words. But they came out, "Go in peace."

The wolves came from all directions. The meal was prepared for them all. Not for me, them.

And I sat there, and then it sank in what I had done. I began to cry deeply, and at that moment, I felt myself change back into a human. It wasn't painful as before. I rested my head on Quad's stomach, sobbing.

"Do not cry for us who find our peace this way.", the words echoed, "It is our responsibility to provide food for the wolves, and it is their responsibility to respect us and use every part of our bodies that they can."

I stood, and backed away. I watched as the wolves ate from Quad's body, tearing his beautiful fur, ripping the meat from his body. I watched as wolf pups ate their fill and then ran off, playing, living. I watched as they consumed every bit of him, until all that was left were his bones. The wolves howled, the words they spoke were that of honor and respect. They thanked Quad for his gift. And then they ran off.

A moment of silence. I approached the bones. I sat by what was left of him.

And at that moment, I heard something approach. I turned quickly, expecting the wolves had returned, but was surprised when I saw deer come. Humble stags, beautiful does, even curious little fawns. They all came and paid their own respects to the deer who gave his life. One stag approached and spoke the words, "We all live today because of Quad's sacrifice. The pact has been honored, and may we honor him and pray for his peace."

I let out a slight gasp. I understood perfectly. The deer and the wolves spoke the same words. They both honored Quad's sacrifice. They both spoke of the pact. It was mutual.

The world went dark around me. And then I opened my eyes, and saw Quad there before me, alive and whole. I embraced him, burying my face in his white chest. "I understand now.", I said to him.

The deer smiled and nodded, the only word coming from his mouth was "Good."

I sat up abruptly, finding myself on one of the benches on the park trail. The entrance to the woods was behind me. I wondered if I dreamed the entire experience, or if it really happened.

Standing up, I walked the concrete pathway. As I did, a man was walking the opposite way, a large husky leading him. The dog walked toward me, sniffing my shoes and staring up at me curiously. "He's friendly, don't worry.", the man said to me.

I reached out and petted his head. His fur felt strangely just like Quad's. And then we walked our separate ways on the path.

My journey was complete. I understood.







The wolf (Quad as a wolf artwork) -
By Pegasicorn
By Rihame

My lessons (resources and such about wolves) -
Anjali's comment below
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 provided from Serendipity
Firebringer suggested by Pegasicorn (I have the book but never read it)
Meeting Wolf and Gannets provided by Anjali
Animal Wolf Totem provided by Kaoori
MotC: The Pact provided by Spyrre
1 and 2 provided by Vandettta