Grub Doe Pondering

Fincayra's picture




We See the Same Sky





December 1st
my life is like one big joke ahhaha.. ha ha

good news first. my scans have all been clear- i've been cancer free for about nine months now, i'd say. had a little scare last week when i got a headache that lasted five straight days, but the MRI i had done also turned up nothing so i've p much determined it must be a tension headache from.. well, i have a theory, but we'll just call it stress.

and the rest
mmmMMM i'll just get right into it. s'little hard for me to talk about but whatevrr

been slowly coming out as trans to members of my family. the few of them i've told the ones who matter most to me have been incredibly supportive, to the point i felt it right to move forward with my transition. i had a letter written up by my therapist, i spoke to my oncologist and my other doctors about the risks, i had everything set up.

the one person i had left to tell was my mother. it didn't go well, and i don't even want to get into it, but she completely razed my plans and made it very clear in her wishy-washy excuses that she does not support me nor will she make an effort to recognize my identity. i can't drive, can't walk well, my vision's still fucked up, i'm on disability and i have to live with this person. this all happened four months ago, btw. i just haven't wanted to talk about it. it's torn me up inside, and despite a new plan of action i'm still bitter. don't think i can forgive some of the things she's said to me.

my doctors all know she's against this, and i have their support. it's so damn uplifting to know that you can find kindness and understanding beyond what your own relatives are willing to extend to you. this has been the saddest, most humiliating experience i've ever had to go through and i don't feel valid, i don't feel comfortable being myself here. i have a way out- two ways out, actually. one's an environment i'd rather not get stuck in for the handful of months i have to make the second option work, but it's getting more and more tempting to run off and shelter there anyway. for now, i'm hunkering down here at my mother's for a little while longer while i put my head down to launch my career in those matter of months and in the meantime, i'm planning to start the t behind her back.

prob the stupidest risk i'll ever take, doing it under her nose like this, but i have no choice and i'm not waiting another gd day. my plan had been to transition a year ago before we discovered the tumor- now that it's gone, nothing's stopping me, not even my own mother's opinion and it's only under unfortunate circumstances that i've ended up back under her roof with barely any freedom. my appointment is on the 10th. the dose will be very small so she won't notice any of the changes, and as fucking sad as it is i'm hoping i won't see much change yet, either. if anything at all gives me away before i've made it out of here, i'll be kicked to the curb so fast. hoping disownment's not in her mind, but that wouldn't surprise me and prob wouldn't grieve me too much, either.

so there. kind of a bittersweet direction my life's taken but i've put so much stock into all of this getting better in the long run. i wanted this to be easy, but nothing ever is. at least i've been able to crawl out of that deep, dark hole her suppression and dismissal had put me in. hoping it all gets better from here, but fuCK i'm terrified of being discovered which is fucking sad coming from an adult with the right to do whatever tf they want with their body hhhh

mwah ilu all and ty for reading my darkest update















redoooo


all about kidaaaa who's kida


redoooo


fuckin redoooo

Fincayra#9828






Apparanza's picture

♥!

♥!

By Leuvr
Calinka's picture

lift those 200 pounds on a

lift those 200 pounds on a barbell fin
Veedeer's picture

Usually Fins are found in

Usually Fins are found in aquatic creatures anyway ha ha ha ha such a smartass........

Tracking. <3

Kaoori's picture

I love the sea too. Well,

I love the sea too. Well, have a healthy respect for it. It frightens me when it's angry but gosh it's so beautiful. ;_;
Clare's picture

yeessssss

yeessssss
Crosscircle's picture

c:

c:
Fincayra's picture

yaaay more hearts from ranza

yaaay more hearts from ranza eue

lookout cal i'll be able to deadlift you in no time 8j

aND VEE asjlkdl you slay me
also great tattoo idea so ty for the inspiration as well as the giggle

i get you, kimi, like... for some reason violent waves have been a big fear of mine for idk how long- since i was a kid maybe. like tsunami big. i have bad dreams about them once in a blue moon :/ respect the ocean man, respect it

♥'s for everyone else tysm

Calinka's picture

are you saying i weigh 200

are you saying i weigh 200 bitch

i'll have u no it's far less and i can already pull it up a bar

let that sink in
OkamiLugia's picture

safasfdasfsdf

safasfdasfsdf
Fincayra's picture

idfk know cal i hear you're

idfk know cal i hear you're rly fuckin tall

and apparently you lift so

maybe u should check ur scale mate
Calinka's picture

i'm not a fukin dinosaur or

i'm not a fukin dinosaur or on steroids

maybe u should start to learn to read the fuckin scale

Fincayra's picture

ffff k send a pic of ur scale

ffff k send a pic of ur scale then
Aivilo's picture

Quote:btw if any of you css

Quote:
btw if any of you css gurus know what i'm talking about and have an idea on how to fix it i'd be rly grateful to you :u been fucking with it all day and no dice


Quick, lazy fix: Hit enter a bunch of times to create a bunch of blank space that the CSS sees as text and forces the autoscroll. Done!
Real fix: You have to mess with the margins and whatnot.
Tuhka's picture

Awwgh, just when I was about

Awwgh, just when I was about to close TEF (I -really- gotta head off to bed now) I spotted Stel sitting close by. ;; So sorry they didn't have the chance to properly interact after such a long, long time. Hope Q gets to meet Stelmaria more properly sometime!
Fincayra's picture

late as always but ty for the

late as always but ty for the tip, aivilo! will have to try when the will to fix strikes again

it was such a treat to see quamar the other day, tuhka- glad they could share a quick greeting before you headed off :j m'sure they'll get another opportunity to meet again

Hope the holidays treat you

Hope the holidays treat you well. Here's hoping you can get some closure on your feelings too. <3
Kaoori's picture

Chiming in to what Lacie said

Chiming in to what Lacie said above.
FishBiscuit's picture

fucken Amen to the above.

fucken Amen to the above. Have a blessed and peaceful holiday season, hope all goes well for you.
Calinka's picture

Quote:where to find a fin on

Quote:
where to find a fin


on a whale
or shark

lol
day4's picture

2 demon cats. can relate.

2 demon cats.
can relate.
Mine only has 1.5 eyes but he's twice as demon and loves my Betta fish.
Fincayra's picture

where to find a cal in

where to find a cal

in prison on 2 counts of being a smartass

day4,
aww precious bby ;; i've no fish thankfully, but god my one cat wants after my snake on a constant basis. he's learned the sound the glass door of her terrarium makes when i slide it back on feeding day and he comes runnin', little bugger
Calinka's picture

where is my fucking lawyer

where is my fucking lawyer
Veedeer's picture

Jjournal, tho...

Jjournal, tho...

Fincayra's picture

um wow it's personal vee ok

um wow it's personal vee ok you shouldn't just assume things weren't done on purpose....

gosh
Calinka's picture

no ur most definitely

no ur most definitely illiterate as fuck
Fincayra's picture

no get out you felon

no get out you felon
Calinka's picture

(No subject)

you are that one

you are that one sprinkle.
that sprinkle is the cutest sprinkle.
the best sprinkle.
<3

[e] My Instagram is thylacinuspotens. I don't use it as much as I used to (and it's really just super boring pictures of clouds and whatnot), but yeah.
Fincayra's picture

AAAAHGJKD LACIE the best

AAAAHGJKD LACIE
the best personal quote <3

and tysm, i'd love to follow you!

That trip sounds so freaking

That trip sounds so freaking awesome. I'm so happy for you. And that move sounds amazing too - you're gonna do great.

And ilu2. <3 I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your Insta.
Tuo's picture

Wayyyy late track.

Wayyyy late track.

Retracking.

Retracking.

You're in my thoughts hun.

You're in my thoughts hun. <3
Panda's picture

&hearts;..

♥..
Clare's picture

here if you need me. &hearts;

here if you need me. ♥
Aivilo's picture

&hearts;

niriya's picture

s-s-senpai

s-s-senpai

Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!

Fincayra's picture

nnngh, you guys.. &hearts;

nnngh, you guys.. ♥ your support means so much- still, m'sorry to have bumped this up at all. thought i was ready to share but there's a lot still unknown to me. i'm waiting on a couple appointments and test results so maybe when i've got something solid i'll be able to share.. but tysm in the meantime
Veedeer's picture

Love you.

Love you.

Clare's picture

Love you, friend. Here if you

Love you, friend. Here if you need anything. ♥
Silverfang's picture

In my thoughts.. &hearts;

In my thoughts.. ♥
C!ssy's picture

&hearts;

Iaurdagnire's picture

Shit Jay... :c so much love

Shit Jay... :c so much love to you and hope you get a good prognosis... <3
Flyleaf's picture

Sending you all my best

Sending you all my best wishes and positive vibes !!
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13

With all the best wishing and

With all the best wishing and positive energy to you~ <3
Aivilo's picture

Well, poop. Sending lots of

Well, poop.
Sending lots of well wishes your way. My Skype/Discord is always open if you need an ear.

I'm so sorry to hear about

I'm so sorry to hear about this. My heart hurts for you.
I really hope everything works out, somehow. You'll always be in my thoughts. <3
LostintheEcho's picture

Keeping you in my thoughts

Keeping you in my thoughts ...♥
Sigi by Wake

HB's picture

I'm so so sorry to hear this,

I'm so so sorry to hear this, Fin.. Sending all the good thoughts your way and wishing you the very best. ♥

&hearts;


Sig: Aihnna