Grub Doe Pondering

Fincayra's picture




We See the Same Sky





March 27th
'sup guys, how's it going. seems quiet around here. i've been fairly inactive myself lately, but i think that's just what life does and i've been pretty busy with mine recently. i'm now.. oh shit, three months on t as of yesterday. moving out soon, too- about mid april, maybe a bit earlier.

wish i could just stop it all there and keep up the streak of good news, but that's not all i've made my way back here to say. i've told a few people already, but i figure the rest of you should know since you've been so enormously, lovingly supportive in the past. as of a week ago, i've been told my cancer is back. little tumor spots have popped up around my brain, so it's not just in one area anymore. the plan is to hit it all hard with chemo. the traditional chemo where i might lose most of my beautiful fluffy hair, and another chemo that i might've mentioned before, but it's one that gave me such a serious body rash that i looked like i had some kind of hideous skin disease, and that didn't clear for months after i'd stopped taking it. so all that's in my future, and we'll see how well it fights the battle.

all studies have been inconclusive - for my type of tumor at least - but my doctors are concerned that testosterone may have had a role to play in aggravating the cancer and maybe even creating the spread of it to the other areas across my brain, since i started on it shortly after a clean scan only to have this next scan reveal how much the cancer had grown back. they can't say for sure but they probably will never have enough sufficient evidence to rule it out entirely. they've advised me to stop, but i'm very reluctant to for fuckin' obvious reasons so yeah.. not sure how i'll approach that one yet. it's even harder thinking about how soon it'll be until i'm living in a new place and comfortable and free enough to up my dose. it's all something i have to think hard on, if i want to tempt it. one thing at a time, i guess. pretty sure at this point the message is if i wanna medically transition, for the rest of my life it'll have to be at my own risk.

i'm down, but i'm not out. actually not.. rly even down. i'm stupidly okay and optimistic though maybe dreading chemo a little bit and certainly not happy about the t if it's trying to turn me against.. me, but i'm doing alright. still looking forward to the future, the things near and far, so i'm not really allowing any of this shit to take me down. that said, there will be bad days and sick days, days where i have no energy to do much of anything so i'm sorry if i fade out again, but i will try to keep you all updated on the big things. think maybe i'll come around more often again, too, once i've settled into my new place and my appointment/therapy routine, 'cause therapy is still a thing. maybe then i'll be around more often.

also if you see another gofundme page circulating, don't uhhh get offended on my behalf that it's calling me a woman and using my birth name. that's just my mother pandering to her circle of rich conservative families to get them to dip into their millions for donations. pretty sure not many of them would help out a trans guy, so i am not above approving her to lie about my gender for a little or a lot of assistance, bahahha.














redoooo


all about kidaaaa who's kida


redoooo


fuckin redoooo

Fincayra#9828






Apparanza's picture

♥!

♥!

By Leuvr
Calinka's picture

lift those 200 pounds on a

lift those 200 pounds on a barbell fin
Veedeer's picture

Usually Fins are found in

Usually Fins are found in aquatic creatures anyway ha ha ha ha such a smartass........

Tracking. <3

Kaoori's picture

I love the sea too. Well,

I love the sea too. Well, have a healthy respect for it. It frightens me when it's angry but gosh it's so beautiful. ;_;
Clare's picture

yeessssss

yeessssss
Crosscircle's picture

c:

c:
Fincayra's picture

yaaay more hearts from ranza

yaaay more hearts from ranza eue

lookout cal i'll be able to deadlift you in no time 8j

aND VEE asjlkdl you slay me
also great tattoo idea so ty for the inspiration as well as the giggle

i get you, kimi, like... for some reason violent waves have been a big fear of mine for idk how long- since i was a kid maybe. like tsunami big. i have bad dreams about them once in a blue moon :/ respect the ocean man, respect it

♥'s for everyone else tysm

Calinka's picture

are you saying i weigh 200

are you saying i weigh 200 bitch

i'll have u no it's far less and i can already pull it up a bar

let that sink in
OkamiLugia's picture

safasfdasfsdf

safasfdasfsdf
Fincayra's picture

idfk know cal i hear you're

idfk know cal i hear you're rly fuckin tall

and apparently you lift so

maybe u should check ur scale mate
Calinka's picture

i'm not a fukin dinosaur or

i'm not a fukin dinosaur or on steroids

maybe u should start to learn to read the fuckin scale

Fincayra's picture

ffff k send a pic of ur scale

ffff k send a pic of ur scale then
Aivilo's picture

Quote:btw if any of you css

Quote:
btw if any of you css gurus know what i'm talking about and have an idea on how to fix it i'd be rly grateful to you :u been fucking with it all day and no dice


Quick, lazy fix: Hit enter a bunch of times to create a bunch of blank space that the CSS sees as text and forces the autoscroll. Done!
Real fix: You have to mess with the margins and whatnot.
Tuhka's picture

Awwgh, just when I was about

Awwgh, just when I was about to close TEF (I -really- gotta head off to bed now) I spotted Stel sitting close by. ;; So sorry they didn't have the chance to properly interact after such a long, long time. Hope Q gets to meet Stelmaria more properly sometime!
Fincayra's picture

late as always but ty for the

late as always but ty for the tip, aivilo! will have to try when the will to fix strikes again

it was such a treat to see quamar the other day, tuhka- glad they could share a quick greeting before you headed off :j m'sure they'll get another opportunity to meet again

Hope the holidays treat you

Hope the holidays treat you well. Here's hoping you can get some closure on your feelings too. <3
Kaoori's picture

Chiming in to what Lacie said

Chiming in to what Lacie said above.
FishBiscuit's picture

fucken Amen to the above.

fucken Amen to the above. Have a blessed and peaceful holiday season, hope all goes well for you.
Calinka's picture

Quote:where to find a fin on

Quote:
where to find a fin


on a whale
or shark

lol
day4's picture

2 demon cats. can relate.

2 demon cats.
can relate.
Mine only has 1.5 eyes but he's twice as demon and loves my Betta fish.
Fincayra's picture

where to find a cal in

where to find a cal

in prison on 2 counts of being a smartass

day4,
aww precious bby ;; i've no fish thankfully, but god my one cat wants after my snake on a constant basis. he's learned the sound the glass door of her terrarium makes when i slide it back on feeding day and he comes runnin', little bugger
Calinka's picture

where is my fucking lawyer

where is my fucking lawyer
Veedeer's picture

Jjournal, tho...

Jjournal, tho...

Fincayra's picture

um wow it's personal vee ok

um wow it's personal vee ok you shouldn't just assume things weren't done on purpose....

gosh
Calinka's picture

no ur most definitely

no ur most definitely illiterate as fuck
Fincayra's picture

no get out you felon

no get out you felon
Calinka's picture

(No subject)

you are that one

you are that one sprinkle.
that sprinkle is the cutest sprinkle.
the best sprinkle.
<3

[e] My Instagram is thylacinuspotens. I don't use it as much as I used to (and it's really just super boring pictures of clouds and whatnot), but yeah.
Fincayra's picture

AAAAHGJKD LACIE the best

AAAAHGJKD LACIE
the best personal quote <3

and tysm, i'd love to follow you!

That trip sounds so freaking

That trip sounds so freaking awesome. I'm so happy for you. And that move sounds amazing too - you're gonna do great.

And ilu2. <3 I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your Insta.
Tuo's picture

Wayyyy late track.

Wayyyy late track.

Retracking.

Retracking.

You're in my thoughts hun.

You're in my thoughts hun. <3
Panda's picture

&hearts;..

♥..
Clare's picture

here if you need me. &hearts;

here if you need me. ♥
Aivilo's picture

&hearts;

niriya's picture

s-s-senpai

s-s-senpai

Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!

Fincayra's picture

nnngh, you guys.. &hearts;

nnngh, you guys.. ♥ your support means so much- still, m'sorry to have bumped this up at all. thought i was ready to share but there's a lot still unknown to me. i'm waiting on a couple appointments and test results so maybe when i've got something solid i'll be able to share.. but tysm in the meantime
Veedeer's picture

Love you.

Love you.

Clare's picture

Love you, friend. Here if you

Love you, friend. Here if you need anything. ♥
Silverfang's picture

In my thoughts.. &hearts;

In my thoughts.. ♥

&hearts;

Iaurdagnire's picture

Shit Jay... :c so much love

Shit Jay... :c so much love to you and hope you get a good prognosis... <3
Flyleaf's picture

Sending you all my best

Sending you all my best wishes and positive vibes !!
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13

With all the best wishing and

With all the best wishing and positive energy to you~ <3
Aivilo's picture

Well, poop. Sending lots of

Well, poop.
Sending lots of well wishes your way. My Skype/Discord is always open if you need an ear.

I'm so sorry to hear about

I'm so sorry to hear about this. My heart hurts for you.
I really hope everything works out, somehow. You'll always be in my thoughts. <3
LostintheEcho's picture

Keeping you in my thoughts

Keeping you in my thoughts ...♥
Sigi by Wake

HB's picture

I'm so so sorry to hear this,

I'm so so sorry to hear this, Fin.. Sending all the good thoughts your way and wishing you the very best. ♥

&hearts;


Sig: Aihnna