(I don't really think anyone reads these, but I need the writing practice anyway ^^'. This is just a continuation of Zahava's history; these will continue as long as my muse hangs around. Thank you for taking the time to read if you do; you are greatly appreciated!)
Chapter 1 can be found here
Chapter 2
“Fall in line!” An order was roared.
The crowd of stags and a few hinds did exactly that. Lining up shoulder to shoulder and sticking their heads high and proud, they hoped to impress their commander. One hind though, seemed odd and out of place. Her head wasn’t high; her stance lacked any pride in her current position. She looked lifeless and dull, like this was the last place she wanted to be.
The commander, a towering, russet elk stopped before her. He stared down his snout at her, his eyes wrinkled with hate and disgust. The hind couldn’t find it in her to blame him for it, but she mirrored the gaze nonetheless.
You don’t belong here. She knew that was the solitary thought than raced through his head.
I know. Yet there she stood.
“Put your head up, Cadet. Stand like you’re worth something.”
The hind ignored him, inwardly seething. She’d have to fight in the battle, but she wasn’t going to degrade herself to rolling over for any creature she might have formerly hunted.
Suddenly, the bull jerked towards her, as if to bash her with those massive antlers. That was enough to get a reaction.
The hind braced herself, stiffening legs she was still unsure of. Her head shot up to look the huge stag in the eyes and her lips curled upwards to reveal gums where large canine teeth used to reside. The hair on the back of her shoulders stood at attention as well, every bit a reaction more indicative to her former, wolf self. In her mind, she still was that same, black wolf.
A huffing noise blew out of the stag’s nostrils; the wolf thought it sounded almost amused. “Better... Are you going to bite me, though?” he asked, quirking a lazy eyebrow.
Some of the other deer chuckled.
The doe immediately put her lips down; she had momentarily forgotten there were no vicious teeth to bear. Her ears flicked back as she continued to glare at him.
He took another step towards her, towering over her. This was no small feat either; she was the tallest doe in the army, as far as she had seen.
If he was trying to intimidate her, the doe wasn’t at all impressed.
“What’s your name, Cadet?” he asked, the hot air of his breath blowing across her face.
The doe hadn’t spoken a word since she’d been changed. She wondered if she could even speak, let alone get her whole name out.
“Zahhh..” she tried just the first syllable, letting it drag out just to listen to the sound of her own voice. It seemed a little off, more sharp-sounding than before.
“Zah?” he asked, tasting the name, “I’m Commander Tahoe”.
With that, he finally stepped back; his eyes that weren’t quite so full of disgust now were still trained on the doe. “Break off everyone, practice your charges.”
The other deer did just that, pairing off. Zah just stood there though; there was no point for her to try at it. In a couple days she would fight at the front lines in one of their battles. It was nothing less than a death sentence.
“Come on then, Zah,” the commander said, backing up and lowering his top-heavy head. “If you want to live, you’ve got to learn how to fight.”
Zah’s ears flattened, “No thanks.” She’d seen the huge bull in battle before; he killed creatures with the toss of his head. Zah had never considered herself a bad fighter, but this body was completely alien.
The bull snorted, “If you’re going to fight under my charge, I’m not going to let you make me look bad.” The disgusted look was back.
The hind had to fight the urge to bare her upper gums at him again. She tested the weight of the spiked antlers on top of her head. If he really wanted a charge, she’d give him one. How hard could it be? She put her head down, aiming the antlers at him, and lunged.
What Zah didn’t expect was the bone-jarring sensation she’d receive when she finally did ram into him. He caught her spikes with his own tines and stopped her dead. The power of the simple motion seemed to reverberate down her spine.
Zah pushed and pushed with her hind legs to no avail. She didn’t even know what she was doing. Maybe trying to unsettle the beast?
Tahoe stood solid as a boulder. “Think about it, Zah; use your antlers to your advantage.”
She looked him in his red-brown eyes, thinking as she glared. Then, she cast a sideways glance up at their locked antlers. A sudden realization sparked. She just needed to angle her head differently.
When she angled her head to the side, her spikes slid through his tines and made contact between his shoulder blades. A well placed blow there could kill instantly, severing the spine.
“Good… But What if you miss?”
Zah snorted, “What’d you mean-“
Without warning, the commander suddenly thrust his head up and into Zah’s neck and chest. The blow was powerful enough to lift her off her feet and send her tumbling back down to the ground.
It knocked the breath right out of her; surprised her more than anything. She scrambled back up to her feet, well aware she had dozens of scrutinizing eyes on her. Inside, Zah was fuming, how could she be humiliated by a deer?
“Two things to remember… One, there’s no mercy on the battlefield,” he started, looking away from her now, staring into the distance. “Two, a downed soldier is a dead soldier. “
He turned to another deer, a doe. Zah recognized her as the outspoken one who had yelled at the messenger at the last battled she’d seen. “Rayn, show Zah here how to use those hooks of hers.”
Zah turned to look at the doe, Rayn. She was a significantly shorter, light brown deer with four tines on top of her head. Two of them curved like hooks, not unlike Zah’s herself.
She wore a most unattractive sneer as well as she spook gruffly, “Come at me, doe.”
The black doe didn’t need to be told twice, that one needed an antler to the chest. She charged at her with the intent to put her spikes to use.
When Zah was a mere few feet away, Rayn swiftly ducked her head and caught Zah’s leg with one of her tines. It tripped the larger doe up, and for the second time that day, she went hurdling to the ground.
“Dead,” Rayn snidely spat down at her.
“That’s quite enough now, Rayn,” the commander said, sounding slightly amused.
Zah jumped to her feet again, shaking her head irritably. These deer were going to be sorry when she figured out how to use this body.
“Don’t overdo it today, you’ve got to fight in a couple days. “ Commander Tahoe said, ending the practice as quickly as it had started.
He then turned to address the whole assemblage of deer, “Remember, it’s not the strength of the body or the speed of the legs that wins a war; It’s the tenacity and courage of the heart... Now break off, rest, and prepare. In two days, we take the city of Gershona in the name of the Resistance. I wish you all the best on the battlefield.”
Zah hung her head slightly. Two days and she’d march to her death.
(I wish I could adequately express my gratitude to you for taking the time to read this.. Please, helpful critic is very welcome here.)
Eeeeeee You're a great
Her history is so intresting.;u;
thank you so much ;; ♥
Read through both chapters!
If you would like, I can offer critique later when I'm on my laptop c:
Thanks! ^^ and I would love
Ok so basics first: grammar
NOW ONTO THE REST!!
I'm very interested about the world and I hope you'll be building it more! More descriptions of the surrounding areas are helpful. Without them, you and the reader aren't getting the same mental picture!
The conversations seem to give you a lot to work with. How do you feel when writing conversations? What I get from reading this is that you feel strong about them, or maybe you're enthusiastic, but whatever it is, it comes out reading very nicely!
With the way you write, I feel as if you could easily use bigger and more uh.. flowery words, I guess you could call them, without overloading the reader's brain.
A great book for examples of lush descriptions is The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge.
So, there you go! I am very interested in the culture of this world you've made and I really hope you continue writing and sharing what you have written! ;>
Thank you so much, this
I will be hoping for
Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!