She stood there, infront of her computer. She looked at the beautiful picture of a lily decorating the screen. Consider the lilies of the field... she thought.

She sat on the chair, blankly staring into the screen. Her eyes were wet, unable to pour out any more tears. She had just calmed down after about an hour, but was still subject to crying. She knew her mother was right. She knew it probably wouldn't work. Again.

How many times would this happen? How many times would she foolishly fall for hope, even though it hadn't done anything for hear the previous year? She always hoped too much. It just made it hurt more when she came to the truth.

She still stared at the screen, not considering what to do. She didn't want to write, or draw. She didn't want to do anything. She just wanted to go to sleep, and never come back. She wanted to be free from all this. She wanted to grow up.

"Hey Deanna..." an older voice called from her door.

She got up and walked to the postered door, turned the old knob, and cracked it open. "Yeah?"

"Wanna go to the forest?"

She paused. "... no..."

"Are you okay?" He got closer, trying to pry open the door a little more.

"I'm fine, Dan... I'll be fine..."

Dan stood there silently, trying to read what was wrong. He couldn't decide. She had become a lot different since the summer before. "Okay..." He walked away, instantly followed by a quietly shutting door.

She threw herself onto her large bed, letting out a few stifled breathes. How many times has she said that? Just to be alone. Just so her family didn't have to worry. She didn't want to cry infront of her brother. That's something she never wanted to do. She always thought she would be okay. Every time she thought she would get back on her feet, that's what she believed. But then something would come along to knock her down, just in time to make it hurt just as much as the first time. She was getting sick of it.

So what if he doesn't like me... she thought. After all those other rejections, what should I expect? This only proves something...

Her computer screen had turned black. She sat in the chair and looked at herself. It just proves that I'm not meant to have anyone, right? That maybe my friends are only pitying me when they say I'm pretty... I don't believe them... I'll believe them when a boy tells me that...

She swung around, somehow more tears escaped her eyes. But... he did tell me that once... She hugged her knees to her chest, hopelessly swinging around in her chair. He said that a long time ago... But not anymore...

She remembered the day they sat on the bench, and he told her the truth. She remembered how much it hurt. And she remembered the day after, when she was rejected from being on Tour Choir, though she was sure her voice was good enough for it.

Somehow, in that one week, she turned completely ugly in the sight of everyone.

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emo hormonal rant thingamajig...

i dont care if you comment... ive dealt with this feeling before...