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Well I stepped into an avalanche
It covered up my soul;
When I am not this hunchback that you see
I sleep beneath the golden hill

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Idk about you guys but I feel I've been saying since like 2012 “oh this year was terrible but I'm sure next one will be easier” and every year things get worst or more complicated or sad or all that together. Kinda like since David Bowie died? Not sure if it's related to it but why not, the world has turned so insane that it wouldn't completely surprise me.

There was a lot of drama back in 2012, which grew over the years until reaching a climax in 2017. And the climax kinda lasted for two years? What a long climax.
Say climax again. Climax climax.

Last year was probably the hardest of my life, but at the same time I grew up so much, in so many aspects. I feel I became a better version of me, less insecure, more responsible, honest with myself. I noticed I started giving really good advices to my friends, very concise and accurate, very direct.
And I feel it's because a part of my Mother stayed in me when she died. She transferred her wisdom, her patience, experience, and love.

[inserts Lion King's he lives in you scene]

I'm not sure about making public the whole story of how she left.
I feel I don't want it to be so present for me, or accesible to people who might not care about it.
But I do want to say it was completely unexpected, almost accidental, and that I'm grateful I was there. For her mostly, I feel she would have be very anguished if I wasn't. I'm grateful for having had the chance of hold her hand, hug her and tell her I was gonna be ok, that I was gonna take care of all, and continue her legacy.
For having helped her to go peacefully.

I still miss her, of course, I always will.
She was a very loved woman, helped so many animals,
and now she's with all those who departed before her ♥


– takes a breake to cry a bit –


So,
after everything now 2020 hello crazy year wtf I hate you? We've been in quarantine since march 23.
174 days today.
I was a bit ok with it the first month bc I got to rest a lot but then I felt bad for not contributing and started helping in a community dining room of the social organization I work for. So I can go out and stuff but everything is so weird idk I want life to get back to normal or at least something less apocalyptic.

In the midst of all the craziness we moved (again and hopefully for the last time in a while) to a new home.
“We” consist of myself, my partner, and our four animal children. no roomates this time
Four animal children are a big challenge for finding a home in a quarantined city, without much money to afford a big house. It was hard but finally found a really nice place with space for all of us, our plants, and our things.
We moved two weeks ago, our animals are super happy, look:



Taira (the dog)
Kio (the big cat) and Cinza (the small gray)
Salchicha (Cinza's daughter, the calico beast)



So that's it for now I guess.

Ilu all



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(insert things here)









So
As some of you might know, this hasn't been the easiest year for me. Health and finances over all the rest of the aspects that compose my life have been some of the reluctant ever to being solved.
It hasn't been the hardest either, I've had quite a lot of free time, since I've decided to lessen the priority to college, because I wanted to 'do other things' -that ended up being nothing, just me losing time; and also because I didn't have money to study anyway -free college, yes, but no free materials, 3d prints, models and all that expensive things of my career.

And well, it seems that every complain about my jobless life and efforts to change the situation last semester, has decided to pay off this week, which is why I've spent these days inactive and away from the forest and from you guys. But no worries my dearest deers, although I'm inside a tornado of busyness, I'll make myself time to reply emails, rps, finishing gifts and take care of Kio's bussiness. Because otherwise something like this could happen:



x3

Anywho. Projects projects. One huge project ♥ that will change my life forever, and thousands of smallest ones to get there. Some of them are personal, spiritual, private, others are only achievable with the help of my friends.
I love you guys, please be patient, it will be a beautiful moment and I'll love to share it with all of you when the time comes.











Tomorrow is my birthday v.v
I don't want to grow up anymore x.x

I'll see my parents today after almost two years ♥?






GOOD NEWS


After 15 hours in the hospital and a couple of tests more, my doctors -kind, smart and considerate doctors who decided to see me even though I had no appointment, and even though their shift was suppossed to end at 1 pm – concluded that the results did not meant I have to do the radioiodine treatment again.
The answer to my question – Do I have cancer again? - is still confusing. You see, (medical explanation ahead)
the value that appeared elevated on my last tests, and made me think I was sick again, it's an antibody that's produced by the thyroid. Since I have no thyroid, I shouldn't have that antibody either; so keep having it usually means I still have some thyroid-cancerigenous cells hosted somewhere on my body. But I did the treatment last year, and didn't showed anything so, the explanation they gave me was that probably I “still had some cancerigenous cells going around my body that were left since the first time I had cancer”. So, a way of saying it would be no, I don't have cancer again, or at least not more than what I've always had. Weird isn't?
Anyway, of course I asked am I going to die -having to do the treatment -need surgery again – etc- and the answers were no, you're ok, don't worry, it's a normal and common thing to happen to people in your situation, you'll be alright.
Yaay... right?
They also said, and I think I wouldn't have freaked out so much if I have known this before, that they changed the way of meassuring levels, and normal ranges, so last year that value showed 1,50 when the max acceptable was 0,50; now it showed 63 (and you can imagine of course why I was so scared!) but the max acceptable is 30. So, as I understand, last year I had three times more of what I should, instead of now that I only have twice more. Cool, 1/3 cancer less in my body so... yay? Idk
They changed some things on the dosage of the pill I take, and send me repeat the tests in two week, then we'll check some more things and conclude more things and stuff blah. I know it sounds a bit like a rehearse-error method, but the other option would be take a huge dose of radioactive contrastant chemicals to see /if/ I have something.
I truly prefer rehearse-error method better, thank you.
The thing about “having cancerigenous cells going through my body” as something normal is something absolutely unacceptable for me, so both my doctors and I agree I have to look solutions on alternative ways of medicine. I'll be starting an Orthomolecular Medicine Therapy soon to solve this situation once for all. Really, I'm tired, I'll be turning 29 next saturday and I've had to deal with sickness since I was like 7.

It's time to move on now.

It's time to celebrate too


I might be removing all this things because I believe in Sympathetic Magic













Tomorrow morning is very important
Any good energy, vibes prayers, wishes and luck is more than welcomed











Feeling more eased, despite the circunstances; all huge problems and little issues seem to have chosen this precise week to show up.
Yesterday my cat - the Goddess of Chaos and Destruction, yes- threw my glasses off my desk and she broke them. I don't know how, it wasn't such a great height, but that minor mishap made me emotionally collapse and I started crying with so much sorrow and deepness, so much pain; I cried all the things I was going through and didn't allowed myself to cry before. I was angry at my girl and roomate at that moment over silly things, I blame stress for this, I usually caress of any irritability, and when they hear me, they came and calmed me down and talked to me, and I stoped being angry at them.
So yes, little Goddess indeed, iniciator of miracles through her destruction.

Then I slept and watched movies, I read and draw a bit too. In the night, or on the dawn of today actually, I found out I confused the date of my appointment and that I missed it, it wasn't next monday as I thought, it was last tuesday. But I didn't collapsed this time because I'm so exhausted I'm unable to have strong reactions, and also because my life has become so complicated in two days that is tragicomical now really.

Losing an appointment can be very definitive on this situations, where I go it's hard to get one and it may be for one or two more months IF I'm able to get it. So on friday I'll go talk
to them and ask if they can see me, or the tests actually, I don't care if they see /me/ or not; and tell me what the fuck is going on with my body, if I have cancer or not, and if I do what I have to do.

So anyway, I'm a very optimistic dog and what remains for me from these experiences is:

I'll get new glasses.
I'll get the chance to get the appointment and my answers two days earlier.














-------
So.... after a while being a patient, sharing your life with doctors, conceiving hospitals like half of your home, you develope certain habilities.
You become someone stronger, maybe, someone with a higher perspective of things, someone brave perhaps.
I don't know if I'm strong, brave or enlightened, but I do know -
I'm pretty sure of this - I have develope an amazing skill to read my own tests results.
And you know, it doesn't really take a genious to realize that where it says:

AnTg = 63.8 U/ng

when that value should be zero, fuck damn fuck fuck,
my especial hability tells me I'm in troubles.

That means, and I'm so scared to even write this, it could be cancer, or it could be something else. Although last year, when that value was a lot, A LOT, smaller; doctors said gosh girl, go do the treatment because you have cancer again. Then they said yay congrats, you have it no more.

What would they say now? What does this means? When this would end?
Who knows

The treatment is awful awful awful, in so many levels I couldn even start explaining.

And it sucks because, this has nothing to do with the other surgery I was gonna get. This was just rutine testing that supposed to tell me I was still healthy and ok.

I was so not prepared for this, it took me by the worst surprise ever.















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Sometimes I miss the feeling of delegating my health, my nutrition, my roof, in whoever that would be willing to gave it to me.
I miss the sensation of not having to worry for even the smallest things, water, my physical integrity. Do I miss being someone's child? Not really, but
I'm tired and
I want to just, for an hour or maybe two, not having control over things, and just let others to deal with all this succession of demands that compose our lives.
On wich moment of my life I agreed to ride on this endless rollercoaster of debts, ultimatums, deadlines and news, and errands, and this eternal postponing of my wishes over things and more to come? Of this pile of decisions I have to make, of demands my body needs to accomplish, all this nonsense long list of things society wants me to satisfy?
Why do humans even need to produce things gosh let's just eat an apple or whatever and free ourselves from this torture
What my life have become? Everyday I question myself how am I gonna go through this day untill tomorrow, what I'll eat, what I'll feed to those I need to feed, how I'll clean, how I'll live, how I'll pay, how I'll pay, how I'll pay.

I'm already living with the rewards of a wild animal, but the worries of a human. Why?
Why
Why
Why?
Because I believe I'll eventually be able to undust my desires and wishes from under the pile of social expectations and could start living again? Or finally?
Idk really
but I know that it's not time to give up yet. To give up to the possibility of a better existance than this.




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yes, being sick used to be boring now it's just painful

water can heal everything





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I thought I was gonna pass through it harmless and safe but no, it caught me and now I have a terrible flu

being sick is boring and my snout is cold.





I haven't programmed anything else
and I don't feel any different at all.


---



I'll add things in pieces,
if not I'll never update this.
I queue too much.


Today I programmed something using some programming software and
I don't feel any different at all.