A Vodun and Vasska Mini-Diary
Vodun ♥ Speaks in
#999999
Vasska ♥ Speaks in
#993333
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I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand...
...it was a fun game at first. Fun fun. Chase and catch. I could see the pretend. I could see it.
I don't understand...
It faded...
All that was left was "no," and I don't understand...
Don't understand why you won't come home...
Don't understand that thing like a dagger in your eyes...
I don't understand...
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Mom, I think I hurt someone...
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He came again today. The one who smells of blood and shit and decay. The one who takes the fun out of the game and fills my ribcage with a ragged beat. I hadn't seem him since I was little. He seems smaller now, and my body moves of its own accord. It knows what to do. Flames burn bright and sputter as I lash out with hoof and antler and bone. Candle wax splits and cracks. Smoke fills my nostrils. Dead fire. It's all inside me now, burning my skin.
Even the cool grass feels hot now as I lay, scraping off hot wax against the tree bark. The wind drags nails against my cuts. Muscles smolder and coil in legs that had earlier cut the ground wide open to the rhythmic pound of chest and breath. Fast and strong. Not as fast as the wind or as strong as Ravus, but more than enough to lay open sick flesh.
I think... I like this feeling.
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Mattie introduced me to a new playmate today. A small white thing with sad eyes. I roped him into our game. Mattie had never played so heatedly before! He was like a new buck! But he didn't know when to stop, and I have bruises on my hips to prove it. Perhaps I just need to gain more stamina?
Later, he still hadn't had enough. Ravus lay nearby as we locked antlers in the flower patch. A new game. I'd seen stags doing it the day before, and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. I quickly figured out why. It was a rush! The sharp clash of bone against bone! The wrestle to the side, tipping your opponent when bones became ensnared. What was a cut? A slice to the shoulder? It was nothing! Haha!
It was Ravus' eyes that said otherwise. Mattie didn't see them, or he would've stopped, too. I turned. Sharp lashes along my back, and still he didn't stop. Backpedaling, pressing fur against fur so that he had to careen in circles to lock antlers with soft skin.
I figured it out, though. Mattie doesn't understand the rules. He presses onward and onward until... what? If he has no rules, when does he stop? I don't understand this game.
But the antler-lock part was fun. I'll have to try that again sometime.
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Tall and strong and fast! So fast! The wind gushes past so quickly that the fire at my candlewicks softens to a dull red roar. I am HUGE. The ground is so far, far away, and the whole world seems to be celebrating. My antlers are fire. My skin is red fire. Fire swarms above the flowerbeds. The sky is on fire. I would set the trees on fire so that they could celebrate too, but Ravus says I shouldn't. Says I shouldn't with that face. The face with eyes that put my fire to shame.
But today is my day. Perhaps I will light a small tree... just to celebrate...
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Cold, cold, cold! It falls from the sky in little while fluffs that look so sweet and innocent. I surround myself with friends and family to ward off the cold. Come, let us build a fortress against it! We'll take turns sitting in the middle!
...Me first, though.
Sianna curls around my neck like a coat. She makes a good fortress, even when the others leave.
Even when mom chases after the Geisha.
He he~
But if she turned and ran, the Geisha would follow...
He he he~
Tieff and Geography play in the snow, but I don't feel like joining them. Even the Lich King is playing, but I don't want to leave my warm cocoon.
My warm cocoon shifts and leaves, and I run off in search of another. Beside the crying fat lady, Geisha and Ravus... Now, encased in warmth, which is encased in a chill of white silence.
My ears feel full. I'm antsy. My nose runs. Geisha sleeps. I wipe my face on her pretty neck, pull magic from her dreams, and spill them onto Ravus.
A peacock? Aahhaha!
Well, at least that takes care of two things.
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Fun, fun, more fun, most fun! So many playmates! So many friends! Mother Ravus. Uncle Rire. (The Geisha was absent!) The red bull who taunts but never bows his great antlers. I left him be when I noticed the small one at his feet. It smelled of sick and sorrow, and could not enjoy our games.
A fawn lay atop the rock that looks like a fat lady crying. It took forever, but I climbed it too, and waited for him to awaken. I shouldn't have waited so long! He tried to push me off! But perhaps this was just a game, too? Funny way of playing, but I couldn't resist. He scraped the rock with his feet. A fighting game? Of course! He pelted me with the flowers that grow along the statue's crevices. Apparently, this was a game of endurance!
Over time, his movements slowed. He slumped.
It's just a game, friend. You can't take life so seriously!
But he was already climbing down, down. I followed. The rock was boring without a playmate. Besides, Ravus was starting to look like she wasn't playing anymore, either.
Another playmate greeted us at the bottom. She was graceful, and didn't feel like other deer. The fawn from the statue stuck to her belly like glue and resumed his fighting game. What a baby, playing beneath the adult! She was a fun playmate, too. Around the tree, inside the tree, dancing, dancing, circles, circles. Inside the tree, she stayed. I waited thirty seconds of forever. I had better things to do than pick at bark.
Besides, I was tired.
Back to steady breathing, a warm side, and antlers that span across the sky.
She could lift the world with those antlers, she could. I'll ask her sometime. You'll see.
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My heart is dark and sore. Anger still pounds beneath my skin. Frustration. Rage. I don't understand, and I don't have to. The gray one struck at my open sore, my burn, my Gustiro, and laughed as though it were nothing. Laughed at the pain.
I lashed back with antler and hoof, awkward and fumbling. The ways of war are foreign to me, although this hatred feels less like a foreign territory and more like a desert in my homelands. I know this hatred. It frightens me with its familiarity. With its comforting burn.
Ysrael, don't look at me with your heavy eyes. I cannot bear the weight. Look, the flowers have fallen from your tines. We could regain them, but for my red promise. The world that rests behind me. I cannot leave it. You are both so powerful... Your sorrow and his anger.
Now, laying between two worlds... my chilling Ysrael and my blistering Gustiro...
Worse than any bleeding wounds, this tearing of my soul.
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For the time spent in the red flower patch, I'm sorry.
I... like flowers... ♥
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The day started out innocently enough. Ravus and that one I see around her at times, Mattie, were frolicking by the pond. I suppose I should've been content to stay there, but as usual, I felt the need to search for him. For Gustiro. He was a ways off, but that hardly matters anymore. My ribs still show under ragged fur, but my muscles have gained enough strength to make almost any journey in the forest, as long as I set a modest pace.
When the clearing came into sight, Gustiro was with Sianna, and Sianna was with a Blue Stag. Their pelts sparkled together: twin evening skies. Sianna's, however, burns. I like this about her, although I often feel overwhelmed by it. I like it when she lays beside me, calm and soothing. When she takes flight, I start feeling dread form at the pit of my stomach. She is quite the fireball, that one.
She came to me in greeting, and I eagerly returned it, glad to have her wicked antlers near my face instead of my backside. Gustiro, for some reason I cannot comprehend, was not pleased with this.
But are you not friends?
I pleaded, but he would hear none of it. Sianna fled behind the Blue Stag, fire in her eyes. It was not entirely an angry fire... there was wickedness, too. Regardless, we were all friends here, and the Blue Stag, whom I'd never met before, was simply a friend in need of a bow.
I played dumb.
I ran my neck along Gustiro's, hoping to placate him, bowed to the Blue Stag, sniffed in greeting, and calmly walked past him to properly greet Sianna. I pretended that nothing was wrong.
Immediately, I saw my error. Gustiro knew. He always knew. In an instant, his back was turned, his swift legs carrying him off across the forest. I followed. He trotted at first, then ran. Steeling myself, I ran close behind, keeping a decent pace... until the river. He crossed it easily, ghosting through the air and landing with the softest sound on the far bank.
I refused to be left behind.
The first try was a failure. I balked, my knees scraping against the moss-covered stones on the riverbank as I fought to regain my footing. The second attempt saw my legs in water, the water's cleansing magic carrying away my gray pelt below the knees. I struggled to the far shore, up the bank, and made full speed after Gustiro, who was a smear of red against the trees.
His temper was wild. Through the forest. Across the playground. (The tall rocks proved too much for me... I went around.) Into the pond. He went underwater, the tip of his skull barely breaking the surface. My heart jerked sideways. Was he attempting to drown himself? I felt, for lack of a better word... angry. I reared, lashing out at him with my hooves, and taunting him. Gustiro never backs down from a fight! Come, face me now! He didn't disappoint, rising dripping from the water, his antlers lowered. He did not attack. I taunted again. When he lowered a warning again, I walked into it, waiting for the attack to follow. I didn't mind physical blows. It was, and is, the feeling of loss I cannot bear.
This was not apology enough. He took to the banks again, taking off through the forest, but I felt strong again, content in my self-sacrifice, once again reminded... pain is nothing. I cut him off. Again, again. Driven by desperation, I far exceeded his speed. I taunted, but this had stopped working. He knew my game.
So I made the game real.
Antlers lowered, I reared and dove. This got his attention. Antlers lowered, he returned the favor.
This body, however, was not built to sustain such anger. It dissipated quickly into sorrow. Loss. Sadness. I'd had something, but had thrown it away. Or had it ever really been meant for me? Did I deserve to be content? To be happy?
I hung my head, wishing he'd simply attack. Wishing I hadn't been pestered by Vasska into this horrible existence, where everything must always be a fight, and nobody ever wins.
The attack didn't come.
I raised my eyes. Before me... he sagged, as well. My strong Gustiro. I ran my neck across his. He was still damp from the pond. A cool blister.
When he sank to the ground, I wrapped my hooves across him... just in case.
Yes, I was wrong. But he was wrong, too.
You fool. You child. You will not escape me again.
And for just a moment... just a small flutter of thought... I felt that, perhaps, despite all the loss in the world... I had won.
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Ysrael, Ysrael, Ysrael...
The ghost of you. The embodiment. The idea. Are you a dream? I can feel you against my neck. Again, again. I didn't know I could feel so incredibly... like this... it's just... Don't ever leave, please. Don't, don't. Stay here with me, please, please, please.
...Ysrael...?
Oh please. Please, don't leave me again.
The happiness is short-lived. I cannot make my hopes a reality. In the end... it always comes to this.
A blotch of darkness on the blue sky.
Blue...? It takes me a moment to realize... the rain has stopped. It chases you away. Or are you the one chasing?
I could sink into the cold ground but for the flame. Vasska, why were you so persistent? I'm happy for you and your newfound existence, but what's the point?
A movement. The echo of bending grass. Shifting soil, muffled by the rain's footprints.
And heat.
Gustiro, the blister. The boil.
He burns my side... a fire against the chill.
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I'm not stupid. I knew that I was pushing it when I encouraged you to approach them. Was it wrong of me? The sky is gray and wet... a dreamy sky. A sky of mixed morals, where happiness and disgust are intrinsically interwoven. Apparently, this was not the right sky for friendship-making. I will try again another day. It was worth it to see Ravus' bright spirit damped by Geisha's unerring pout, the ground abused by her merciless steel paw. A cold threat loomed behind her pretty eyes.
"Ravus, you sit here."
And she did.
Now, I await the sun with something like defeated dread. I know I cannot stop it. The sheets of rain haven't yet reached the point of pain, and their globs of wet nothingness have yet to soak through to my soul. I'll wait for it. This rain is meaningless if it cannot bring me what I want.
Gustiro, I understand what you're asking, but I can't join you. The old oak calls to you, but the rain beacons me. Leave me to my nothingness.
Go on.
...No?
Well... I suppose I will not fight you off, my stubborn friend... But if you get sick, don't come to me when the crows begin to gather... ♥
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Geisha, don't be angry~! Do you remember his face? So hilarious! It was twisted up kinda like yours is now, haha! Careful, you'll get wrinkles! You were so brave, cutting in like that! You and mam---uh, Ravus...
You were both amazing ♥
Ravus, what do you mean by "grounded"...?
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I follow him. Follow and follow. I say to myself, "You have nothing better to do. Why not follow?"
But I know that's a lie. My ribs explode with every bout of laughter. My gut breaks and my legs shatter. I cannot hold myself up like this. I cannot hold together. Nothing better to do? I should be sleeping by the pond.
But I lie and lie, and I follow.
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Peace, quiet, and the soft sounds of breathing. I love this feeling. I love the warmth of company, even if I don't recognize all of the faces. I wish I could push myself closer to them, but something inside me won't allow it. It whispers that their warmth is a false promise.
I wonder if Vasska is enjoying himself.
Gustiro sits nearby: a tiny blister of a deer. When I rest beside him, he burns my soul. The trees are gentler companions, so I shift next to one. He shifts. Now, one side that blisters, another that soothes.
This... is acceptable ♥
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I feel keenly the chill in my bones. Oncoming winter. The snow falls, but never rests. I'll not rest then, either. Spots of blue and gray on the dying grass. I recognize the gray one from another day... He's gentle and sweet. I resist the urge to take advantage of it. Ravus tells me not to.
Next time, I'll be extra bad to even the world's moral scale.
My chance comes sooner than expected. The blue stag is grumpy. I remember him, too. At first, my curiosity only brings me closer. His wick is short.
I set flame to it.
So easy. I never even touch him. Not once, although during one sit-taunting, he scuffs my rump with his hooves. In full flame, he almost catches me once, mid-laughter, on my back. A fatal mistake. Geisha, move! I can't concentrate with you filling my vision. I'll pester you later. Back, forth. Back. My rump aches from his hooves.
Faster than expected, I tire of this game. Trot into the distance. The calm one blocks the blue one's path, and the blue one listens, although he chomps at his mild-mannered bit. One last laugh, and the entire situation is forgotten, left behind for another to clean.
A reward soon after... Candles? The spell-casting stranger vanishes without a thank you. Vasska would've given one, for this, but in some small way, it feels earned.
Candles.
Fire.
He'd found his flame.
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Two balls of flame circling circling each other, clashing, smoking, dying, separating, and then dancing again. I can't look away.
"I'm a flame, too!" I want to shout. Shout at Rire, who sets his hard legs in my path. Shout at Geisha, who scorns with a pretty pout. Shout at Ravus, who sleeps like a dead thing while the fire roars.
But I can't shout that.
Because I'm not a flame. Not right now.
Right now I'm just a red moth,
Circling ever closer,
Burning to burn like them.
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My movements grow smoother. I bow low to the twin gods, although I might limit this movement in the future. It is difficult to return from this position.
A scent on the wind.
...Gustiro?
Are my senses returning? The chill makes it difficult to judge, and I'm careful to only take a few deep breaths, lest my nose turn frigid and dry. The journey is short, but I kick into a faster walk anyway. A fast walk. How long has it been since I've set a pace like this? I attempt a trot...
Bad idea. The slow walk returns, knees fussing angrily. They would prefer I sit, but I refuse. A doe comes into sight first. I don't recognize her, but she seems sweet enough. Gustiro is nowhere to be found... Wait... A red smear on the doe's pelt. A tiny crop of legs under her smooth belly. It can't be... Gustiro? He plunges forward with his usual confidence, but it takes a while before my shock wears off enough to return the nuzzle. Gustiro... you're so small!
...The few excess nuzzles will surely go unnoticed... ♥
I attempt a deep bow for the doe, and immediately wish I hadn't. Used up for the day, I take a seat, filled with pleasure when the red stag joins me. Don't trouble yourself, friend. I'll be up again in no time, gods willing.
Another familiar scent on the wind. What a perfect day! My aching joints don't permit me to greet you, Vasska's lovely friends. Ravus, was it? And Geisha? Surely, you'll join us...
...Gustiro, what is it? These are not enemies, friend.
Finding my feet takes energy I don't have, but I manage it anyway. If I nuzzle everyone, will you see? Now, can you see? The posturing doesn't break into a fight, thank goodness, but I can still feel the tension. We lay as a group divided.
My meager bones must make for a sharp body pillow. If you were not so small, Gustiro, I would protest your laying on me.
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Ravus, look! Look! I was watching this stag and I saw it do this funny thing with a doe where... what? Why are you shaking your head?! Don't you think it's cool? Well, maybe I just didn't do it right the first time. Here, here. Are you watching again?
OW! Ah, I'm sorry!
...Wait, I'll try again. Next time, I'll get it right for sure... He he, you're so funny when you're angry, Ravus...
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Ahh, Vasska. Is this why you haven't been around as much anymore?
...Yes?
She's lovely.
It was sweet of her to share you for the night. I'm happy you're creating your own path, but I find myself missing your company.
Don't mind me, my friend. Keep plunging into your bright future. I'll always be here, if you need a warm place to rest.
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I thought I'd slept enough during those long nights. Nights where the sun never rose, and the fire burned hot around me. The fire is now a warm glow that brushes against my side when I least expect it. He has better things to do than lay with me. He comes home to rest by my side, but when the sun is high, I can hear his newfound voice echoing through the trees, shaking creatures from their burrows.
Today, I wake once to find my sides graced by two strangers. A smaller one... a doe. She's very lovely. The buck wants me to play. I stand for a moment, but my magic isn't strong enough to hold. It takes the wind out of me. I rest. I awake again. The doe remains: a warm glow against my side. The buck has been replaced by a sleeping Gustiro. Gustiro, I haven't seen you in so long... Have I? The past is a patchy quilt, and I cannot find a decent thread. I remember lying by your side as a fawn. I was so frightened at first, I almost didn't approach. Now, my heart only warms with your presence. I reach out again, and this time, the magic sticks.
Ah.
I'm sorry, friend. So rusty... I was trying for something noble, although you make a fine squirrel.
Another nap. I cannot stay awake, even for you. Twice, awake. The doe still dozes. What is your name, sweet one? I can't make myself disturb your peaceful expression to ask such things.
The third time, the forest is silent. The breeze rustles through the trees, warning of the oncoming winter. My side feels cold, and my throat is parched. I know my way to the pond, but it's too far away. I wandered too far.
Heaving myself up, I make my way. Slowly, slowly. The ribs that show along my sides are liars. This body is far too heavy. Still, the thirst fusses, driving me onward.
A movement.
So quick, I almost didn't see. A rabbit, perhaps? Come out, little rabbit. It hides behind a tree. Gray and white. I resist a smile, and make my way behind a similar tree. A face appears. Not a rabbit, are we? A doe, then? She's young and sleek with bright eyes. She finds a new tree, closer this time. I pretend not to notice. The ground pulls at me. I give in for a moment, allowing my knees to buckle. Closer. I cannot sleep now, can I, bright eyes? All right, then. To the pond.
It takes an eternity, but we make it. You never run ahead or fall behind. I cannot express my appreciation. The water stings and quenches. The thick mud caresses. Deeper. My fur floats around me. The soft breeze questions my judgement, but I'm not frightened of sickness. I've chosen to remain in the forest, and a little frozen blood isn't going to change that.
The doe remains, speaking softly to the fishes. What do they answer, I wonder?
And then, to the bank. Unable to resist, I leave my watery bed and join her by the willow. The ground runs dark where I lay, soaking up the weight I cannot shake off. She moves further away... but not too far. I'm satisfied with this. I doze against the tree.
A rustle.
A movement.
A spot of warmth against the chill.
I crack one eye open, smile, and close it again.
Silly doe...
You should've waited until I was dry...
I'm glad! It also gave me a
edit; new page is miiiine. *eats*
Yesss. This was all very
Since Vasska was a fawn the last time they met, he sees Eli as a sort of... untouchable stag. It really shook him up that he was able to actually hurt him. And ffff, thank yooou. He certainly has his butt-prodding technique (courtesy of Sianna~) down to a fine art XD This sounds horrible, but someday I'd like to fight/see Eli fight when he's in peak condition. I could tell that he wasn't able to give it his all, although those bursts of irritated awesome were definitely thrilling.
Nooo, my new paaage ;A;
And Eli is quite uncertain
That would be interesting. But since Eli is actually pretty weak, and overly careful when it comes to maintaining his appearance, I can't really picture a big fight taking place. The only way I can see that happening is if someone messes with a deer he is really close to/fond of.. and only one comes to mind. But it could happen. 8D .. I'd actually like to see it happen sometime. /cruel
Gotta admit, it was pretty
I never would've guessed that XD I guess it's his appearance that makes him look so powerful, hn? Sitting elegantly up on his hill. ....dancing when he thinks nobody's watching >u> Beats most of his opponents before he even raises a hoof. And if it's the deer I'm thinking of, that will never happen with my boys. Maybe someday he'll get really attached to someone my deer don't respect so much! Haha~