June 21, 2010 - 8:24pm — faunet
Society she thought as she drove to the over priced fancy restaurant. That what made me wear this dress she muttered. She tolerated it one for Jackson's sake so they could get married in peace. And reason number so she could get her brother off her back. She sighed as she pulled in the sky a gloomy grey great she muttered tossing her keys to the vallet. She put a smile on her when she was taken to an already reserved table. Two gentlemen were sitting there she recognized them both. The first was Adrian her brother the second Sucre the one her brother tried to arrange for her to get married she sat down greeting one another.The waiter took her beverage order(water) they better have alcohol on hand she thought out of anxiety. She crossed her legs looking at her brother we need to talk. Go ahead he said warmly. I have chosen not to marry Sucre she said in a firm voice. What he said astonished his fists clenching. Why not. Because there is another person I want to marry. Sucre who was silent his head suddenly shot up is it that Jackson dude he snarled. Yes it is she said calmly.Why was all Arian could say.Because I am in love with him. Do you remember when you where in love and how you could not explain it really. Well thats how I feel she said. Adrian sighed heavily if thats really how you feel then I approve.Sheba smiled thank you brother. Sucre was infuriated. What about me he said his fist connecting with the table shes mine he said pointing to her. Arian stood up that not the case I'm sorry dear friend but it seems as though my sisters mind is made up. Sucre took the first swing his fist colliding with his jaw . Before Adrian could react she slapped Sucre in the face as a reflex he hit her in the face. The blow hit her in the cheek across the face. One of his nails accidentally tore her lip. In shock he slammed his hand on his glass in which case the glass broke cutting his hand.Adrian got in front of Sheba I'll talk to you later sis you better go home now. Sheba didn't argue her face still stung from the hit.She got in the car and drove home. Lightning in the background
bump
Would you mind if I gave you
I'm always open for
Good to hear, but I figured
I've read this through and while the story is good (the character interaction is dramatic and your build-up is also well used) it has fallen prey to the 'wall of text'. Try going back and using some of these next time;
-When a character is speaking, you need to give the reader some way of knowing this.
Example: She crossed her legs looking at her brother "We need to talk".
-Once you're done getting everything out that you want to say, go back and re-read, slowly. You've missed words in quite a few of your sentences and I found this really confusing.
Example: And reason number ____ so she could get her brother off her back.
It's just going back and reading what you're written yourself, before you post it. You've got good characters and you express them well, you just need to put that extra clean-up effort into your writing.