12 - 11 - 21 ~ 12 - 27 - 21 =
After an incident involving Umay murdering an unsuspecting Pyriel and Kozan nearly losing his own life in retaliation Kozan's social confidence gained from his friend circles are completely dashed, has withdrawn from his attempts at being more open and social and now avoiding making new acquaintances. Withdrawing from and avoiding acquaintances he thinks are less likely able to defend themselves and weighing even more heavily the behaviors and actions of the 'stronger' individuals he's already acquainted with - assessing their likelihood of betraying himself or those he cares about.
Feeling trapped, lonely, angry and just plain sad. Recognizes a few that reach out to him but struggling with his decisions on when or if he should accept them. Certain that the Hell Cat will return and contemplating when she does what that will mean for him and those that continue to associate with him. Certain that those with relations to Umay are most likely to side with the Hell Cat despite her cruelest of behaviors or the fact she'd murder one of their own friends, such as Pyriel, who had nothing to do with anything besides being acquainted with the Sunset. Has no doubts Pyriel's other acquaintances or friends likely wont even bat an eyelash to the fact, if they know about it, and will just jump at the chance to defend the Manticore despite the murder. Kozan has seen it happen so many times over the years as an observer and isn't delusional in thinking his clash with the Hell Cat will be any different.
Losing faith once again in decency and peoples judgments, as well as losing faith in himself and his own worth and his ability to handle his own dealings. Afraid of losing everything and everyone he has gained this past year after years of stagnant solitude and isolation but now wondering what would be considered too selfish to continue holding onto if it puts their wellbeing and lives in danger. Has debated abandoning the Forest completely but found it debilitating to even consider when the Forest has been his one saving grace for his sanity ever since he was a small child and has a perhaps unhealthy dependent connection to the place.
On top of all that devastated to having missed Christmas this year considering it would have been his first time actually celebrating it since he had those he loved and he believed loved him back to experience it with. Received a few small, heartwarming gifts that he is grateful for but feeling cripplingly guilty for not having returned the favor. Had planned to gather gifts for others too and had plans to suggest a gathering to decorate with his loved ones (he wanted a tree gdi :[ ) but considering all the events recently simple hadn't the time or emotional nor mental strength to do so. Debating on giving up on the idea of most holidays since most times he tried planning for one it never ends up well and disappointment is generally his reward. Besides, who knows if he'll even have loved ones by the end of next year.

Still despite it all clinging to the threads of hope that his current stronger relationships continuously dangle for him to grasp at. Fighting against the reminders of the past, of the red flags of a possible repeated history of abandonment and isolation and his own cannibalistic mind that is determined to consume him. Fighting but continuing to struggle and deteriorate.

11 - 05 - 21 =
Pfff a LOT been going on in the past forever and too tired to write it all.
Today however flipped when a predator tried to get into Cassius' den site. Just lost it for a bit. Settled when the beast seemed maybe dead and Set had moved the pup to another den. Worse off than last time he faced the spiny beast and looks like gonna have another puke fest night. Looking forward to that... In the meantime with Set tried to thank those that helped ward the beast off. Then settled with the Wolf to rest with Cassius safely tucked away.

05 - 12 - 21 =
Woke late in the day and having none of his usual company around fed his loneliness and boredom by creeping on strangers. Was barreled into by a hyper, playful Umay at one point who chased him a bit until he turned on her and turned her into a small animal. Was going to sit on little animal Umay, because he's crazy and a bit lonely anyway, but found her friend Chrona a bit too intimidating to attempt it... Creeped on several others, including Silas and Idris, they did not appreciate. Accidentally lead a charging Silas too close to a family group? And what appeared to be a small war broke out? Watched the chaos until it settled down. Creeped on Silas and Idris a bit more until at one point had to turn Silas into a bat. Finally would leave them alone though. Crept on a lot but few noticed (and can't recall the whole night RIP). Ended the night with turning Chrona into a mini but he was a spoil sport and easily slipped out of the spell. Come on, dude, you were cute tiny. :/ Fled, of course, until he could slip out of The Forest.

05 - 11 - 21 =
Sat with Hrókr for a bit that night until witnessing Set playing with Jae roughly near by made him anxious and prompted him to leave the other's side. Somehow may have accidentally reunited the two by this? Creeped on the pair like a bad friend and eavesdropped on their conversation. Got some things confirmed that he already assumed about the pair's past relationship. He isn't sure how he feels about some things that were revealed. Oh, hi Umay... I totally am not spying... Curiosity satisfied, and maybe a little uncomfortable with some things said, finally left the two alone.

Later that night creeped on Wick and a sleeping Ianthe. Surprised, nervous but thrilled when Wick invited him over. Again surprised and a little ashamed when the Dreameater apologized to him. Insisted she had nothing to apologize for and denied when she spoke of the Sunset's feelings for Set. Tried to explain himself and everything away, as he had with Set told her that he had simply confused friendship with something else. Explained he was working towards being a better friend to them both and getting through his confusion. Talked about Wick soon being trained to work with Set. Not exactly happy about her getting into that life as he thinks it's one to be avoided but he really has no say and simply tried to confirm his support of her.

05 - 09 - 21 =
Kinda got into babysitting Ilkay when he found the child alone (or maybe Ilkay was babysitting him), allowing them to interact with the event and others while he kept a close eye on. Soon found himself rumping with a couple of kids before noticing Set watching, embarrassed until the tables turned and he watched the Wolf play with the children. Cute. When the children were later gathered by their families to be taken to their homes was visited by Matthew and Landan. Rested with the three though a little hurt by how far Set sat himself and Matthew from the Sunset and Landan. Was flustered by comments made by Landan and Matthew which sent the Sunset retreating the company.
Later was found by Set again and had a chat with the Gangster's Son. Told the Wolf he has it all figured out... maybe. Apologized yet again for everything and explained he was confused but now understands that his feelings were just of a close friend twisted by the rarity of such closeness and is working on fixing these confused feelings. ~Totally not completely fooling himself.~

05 - 08 - 21 =
Just kind of floating the past couple of days. Somewhat tried to 'join in' with the Spring Fling things which mostly consisted of him sitting a mile away from people actively attending. Approached and talked with one or two familiar people but each was exteremly short lived as he shied away from more extended interaction.

05 - 02 - 21 =
Met up with Naida and spent time talking with her about fireflies and of other worlds as they rested in a flower patch full of the glowing bugs. Relaxed for the first time in quite a while. They were joined by a cute fawn and watched as Naida and the fawn played and frolicked.
Was visited by Set and Matt (though Kozan's player was doing other things so distracted RIP) feeling awkward and tense as they joined Naida and the fawn in play. Not long after Wick soon too was with them all. Grew more and more uncomfortable as the tension in the air grew and finally talked with Wick, sort of. Tried to apologize and could tell she was annoyed and upset, perhaps more so that Kozan was emotionally shutting down. Was told by Wick that trust was lost and that he would have to earn it back but truthfully the Sunset had no idea what he could possibly do to achieve that. From Set he felt he only received pity which only made him feel worse. Finally slipped away when permission was given to do so.
Unsure what or how he should feel, unsure what he should do, certain that whatever he does or feels would be wrong. Basically feeling lost in every way.

04 - ?? - 21 =
Had an emotional talk with Set the other night. Tried his best to explain to the Wolf the chaos that was going through his head and assure him that he wasn't trying to abandon him. In turn the Wolf tried to get it through Kozan's head that he was being over dramatic and things weren't as bad as he believed them to be. Accepted when the Gangster's Son insisted he stay at a hotel, mostly because he feels he owes the other man and he was weary of causing his friend distress. Still hasn't sorted everything out but he is trying and acknowledges that Set is trying to.

Kozan realizes everything he is feeling and worrying over is his own fault just doesn't know how to deal with it. Still struggling but beginning to get ahold of himself again. Still feeling rather vulnerable and sensitive especially to criticism. Slowly trying to build up the courage to face the people he considers part of Set's circle, including Wick, all people he had come to care about but feels no rights to.

04-16-21 - 04-21-21 =
Basically been hiding on the streets and the local parks of the human world, fighting his own overactive mind and his hyperactive emotions, using to numb both.

Was found by Landan one day in a park near his workplace, not exactly in a presentable state but thankful the Black Cat didn't point any of the obvious out. Didn't exactly feel better after the conversation with the other man but neither did Landan make him feel any worse. In fact the other man took the burden of the plant, Orby, off his hands after the request from the Sunset for him to do so. Truthfully the plant was beginning to become a struggle to take care of as Kozan wasn't getting enjoyment out of it in his current state. Really he only took it with him because he selfishly needed the comfort at the time, a friend, but slowly it was becoming another guilt instead of a comfort as the plant began to burn and wilt from being moved around a lot and being in the sun too much. Rejected any money from Landan, he didn't want more to feel ashamed or guilty over from accepting such help, and asked the Black Cat to rely his message to the others that he is fine (lawl) and that he was sorry. Accepted the phone Landan insisted he take, the one given to him by Set a while back that had been left back at the cabin earlier.

A few days later may have found himself in a familiar predicament, one that Rook had pulled him out of twice before, and in his haze even tried to call The Chariot. Still no answer. Where the hell are you, Rook? Nearly thought about calling Landan, still too stupidly terrified to talk to anyone else but was found by a stranger instead and was assisted in getting help. Got some 'advice' from his new acquaintance and bit his tongue since he owed the other that much. They even left before Kozan could get their name but was left the impression that they may see each other again. Currently recovering from his episode but it seems to have woke him up a bit - missing and longing for his connections.

04 - 12 - 21 =
Stared at the sleeping beast, Plague, that rested in the Great Oak musing with morbid curiosity how even monsters seemed so peaceful when unconscious. When the Black Adder uncoiled from it's slumber the Sunset continued to hold his ground to stare the creature down. Thought maybe it'd help to bleed a little, to quiet his mind that hasn't stopped running since the other day, disturbing any sleep he may have been able to grasp at. But noticed Matthew watching and decided it wasn't worth involving him - getting him hurt and so slipped away without incident.
Was followed to the lake by the Honey Badger and conversed. Allowed his guilt and shame speak for him and perhaps offended the other man as a result and got a bite back. Learned that Matthew knew about what happened the other night and it seemed pretty clear to Kozan that Matthew was repulsed by it.
He had thought that maybe with time he could come to terms with his emotions, move past them, find a way to make things right but... now that it was getting out and with the clear disgust coming from the badger everything spiraled into a void of dread... Matt's reaction and words just confirmed all of Kozan's fears... He fucked up more than he even first realized. And when Wick came to know... what would that mean? Never mind her fangs or the frightening powers she may possess as Matthew hinted to but to Kozan there was so much worse... her pain, her hate... banishment. After having got along with her so well, spending time with her, moments they would never share again. And the others would come to hate him too, sickened by his betrayal.
Noticed the other man's glance behind him before Matthew left and knew what he would find. Saw Set on the other side of the lake and could barely look in The Wolf's direction before the Sunset fled to the Birch Forest to hide and sink into his own self cursed misery. After wallowing a bit slinked to the portal to flee The Forest too.
Overwhelmed by his emotions and the frightening theories plaguing his mind and crashing deep into an anxious state. Unable to sleep, completely lost his appetite, muscles feel sore from tension and stress. Searching for any ways to shut off his brain and curb his aches and pains including raiding all the cabinets of the cabin of any painkillers or sleeping pills. If anyone was planning on using any of those good luck. Still left his things, as minimal as they are, at the cabin in the room he's been staying in for now but took his plant "Orby" somewhere to hide.

You'll still be my friend in the end though, right Orby?

04 - 11 - 21 =
Showed Set a place in the human world the other night that the Sunset was growing fond of, was pretty excited to share the spot with someone, The Wolf especially. Had started using the place in a similar way that he uses The Endless Forest, a sort of place of comfort and escape. Got carried away by Set's kindness and the moment and may have slipped and tried to express his feelings for The Wolf in a more direct way, a little too direct, and was promptly rejected. Embarrassed by his own behavior and Set's reactions to it and currently unsure how to face The Wolf. Despite the incident being minor and perhaps not even a big deal to anyone outside of himself is personally devastated, feeling guilty and ashamed of himself as he feels he betrayed Set's friendship, as well as feeling hurt by the rejection and falling into self pity.
Desperate for an outlet, something to take his mind off the rejection and the confusion and all the frustration and pain in his heart, mind, and body. Extremely vulnerable at the moment in every way. Avoiding crowds and restless in the company of those he considers connections through Set, not rejecting their company but feeling awkward and struggling to quiet his mind when around them. Trying to find comfort outside of Set's circle and failing considering most he had begun feeling comfortable around are a part of them.

04-03-21 - 04-07-21 =
A whole lot. RIP
Some fun with Set, Matt, Hat-Ia, Syl one night. Might have got a little high by accident.
Another night stuff with Nelida, thanks for always being chill. And Trav in there. And hung with them and Set and Kiss. Group anxiety activate. Oh hello Matt and bebe ZuZu. More people but familiar people. Stuff with Plague before and after. One point seen Plague beating on Ross and no one was helping him... felt familiar and it made him a little sick inside. Couldn't help himself and just dove in to punch Plague and lead him away from Ross. Meant just to tire the big guy out and kept out of reach but then Set came to save him. Set getting mad again \o/ Don't be mad, Set. ;-; Then later watched over hurt Set. Oof, wish I wrote this sooner. lol Though a little curious of Plague now because... you asked me to come closer, what were you going to say you creepy dude? :THINKFACE: Or were you going to sucker punch me before Set intervened again?
Been spending time with Wick on and off, feeling more comfortable with her over time. Even some bonding over ice cream and movies in the human world.
Oh yah, got himself a real job now. At a plant nursery. lawl Watch out Set and Wick he's developing his players addiction and never had time for a hobby before, you're about to have your own personal indoor forest. >B3
IDK more stuff, I shouldn't wait doing updates more than a day. RIP

03 - 23 - 21 =
(Slight picto change. And I mean very minor. lol)

03 - 22 - 21 =
Still holed up in a hospital in the human world but craving The Forest and the people inside like an addict. Against his better judgment entering The Forest through dreaming, unable to get to the portal right now either way. Dream self doesn't seem as injured as the self that passes through the portal - the self that is currently in the human world, yet has a ghost limp and phantom aches that leave him resisting doing too much activity.

Ianthe being the first found in The Forest Kozan made a beeline to them and though hesitated at first quickly latched onto their company when welcomed.

03 - 14 - 21 =
(So stuff happened BEFORE this earlier in the week but...)

Kozan was just chilling with Set and Taveer(?) who Set was chilling with for a little while but then Set wandered off to chat with Jae. Grew restless and just kind of wandered around The Forest and stared at people for a bit (you know, like the weirdo he is) until he heard the cries of a fight between Brent and Greitai. Noticed Naida near the fight and remembering last time hurried to her side to make sure she was ok and that she wouldn't get too close to the scuffle. Was told by Naida how she had tried to be friendly and greeted Greitai but then how Greitai charged and threatened her, how Brent then came to her rescue. Felt the spark of anger bubble up from deep within him but shoved it down where it belonged, buried beneath his fears of losing those that would be upset with him getting involved. Was checked on by Set at one point and reassured him that he was just trying to watch out for Naida before hurrying back to her side. (See, Set? I'm being a good boy not getting in the way. ;-; ) Though felt angry and hurt himself when he watched Set and his friend, Jae, jump into the fight against Brent. Knowing that Kozan was trying to calm and comfort Naida... knowing that Kozan had a connection to the beast... yet The Wolf chose to face off against Brent and leave Greitai untouched, a predatory beast that had both attacked Kozan in the past and Naida most recent whether Set knew it or not.

Tried several times to take Naida away from the fight but she refused. Then Umay showed up. Took guard over Naida and tensely watched Umay as she stopped and paused to stare at him and the little Fae. Grew painfully stiff when Naida tried to greet the Hell-cat but thankful when Umay ignored her and passed by them. Finally Naida had enough and he followed her into the birch. Stood guard by her side and did his best to comfort her with his presence. Began to tense again when the fight seemed to move closer to where they were and left her side just far enough to make sure they weren't getting too close. Turned around to rejoin Naida but realized too late she had gotten up and was headed back to where they all were. Heart leapt into his throat as he went after her. Paused to see Brent and Brent's friend, Apollyon, at a distance with Naida from Set and his friend, Jae. Things seemed to have calmed down so stayed off to the side unsure what to do with himself. Brent and Apollyon seemed to be moving off but noticed Naida headed towards Set and Jae. Knew exactly what would happen and dashed to get between the two groups and nervously asked Brent to take Naida with him. Brent complied and hope filled the Sunset that things could settle peacefully again but Naida had other ideas and went to try and greet Uy. Tried to stop her knowing things could escalate again, Brent trailing behind but Jae seemed to take it as a cue to go after Brent again. Back with Brent, Jae, and Set going at it.

Stood over Naida to make sure she didn't get trampled when an Umay zoomed into the fight. Tried to encourage Naida to get away from the fight again but then realized Umay was headed for them. Since Naida was the one Brent was protecting came to the conclusion that Umay was after Naida to try and hurt Brent just as she had done before attacking Kozan to lash out at Set or Brent in the past. Tried to defend against the Devilcat and did his best to protect the Fae. (Man is he going to have a mental break down when he finds out Umay was actually after HIM and instead of helping Naida he was actually putting her in danger. Boy's gonna be devastated.) Set and Brent (and company?) got Umay off their trail and fled to the birch once again with Naida. Rejoined after by Brent and Apollyon. Things settled for a short while until Set, with Jae in tow, came to check on him. Didn't notice until too late before Brent was back on his feet and charged Set for getting too close to where Naida was. At first Set seemed to simply try to leave but Jae went after Brent which in turn had Set and Apollyon jumping into the fight. Tried to break them up and in the end had a short shouting fit with Set.

As both sides split and left him standing alone in sudden silence everything was allowed to sink in and his mind did the dirty work. Realizing then that having engaged Umay he had put himself again at square one. Certain that the Hellcat wont let that go and he had become a target once more. And after all his discussions with Set, after the promises he made that he wouldn't put himself or others in danger, after having yelled and stamped and raged at Set just then... he was certain he wouldn't be forgiven this time. These revelations threw him into his emotions, setting him off in an internal panic that left him feeling like he was unable to get enough air and left his legs cramping from the overload of oxygen rushing into his body as he gasped and heaved. He struggled to regain control of himself and for a moment he couldn't understand why he couldn't wake up. If he could just wake up he could medicate, he could numb it all and forget about it and he could figure it out later. But no, he realized, he had used the portal, there was no waking up this time. He was about to lose it all and he didn't have anything to block the pain and panic and it was all her fault. If Greitai hadn't gone after Naida then Brent would have still been calm like he had been for days... Brent was doing so good, he was doing good... and Set wouldn't be angry now... and Umay wouldn't be at his throat again... Umay... the evil witch seemed to like that Greitai...

At this point there was no more thought just rage and fear and panic and a need for relief from it all and Greitai was close, just over the hill, and he knew she'd have no problem dishing out the pain and he had a mind to tear into her too. He didn't even acknowledge Umay was just a throw away, that she and Greitai were having an argument of some sort when he charged at Greitai, antlers drawn down with all intents and purposes to gore. He all but continued to ignored Umay as she turned on him, as he weaved and dodged the bigger beast the best he could, never even turning a tine against the Hellcat... no she wasn't worried about her own wellbeing, she wanted to play these games... his sharp tines and hooves were purely focused on Greitai, the one that started all this today, the one that turned on Naida, the one that Umay would want to protect. Brent wasn't long throwing himself into the fight, Kozan hardly registering the beast was there at his side as the Sunset threw his whole weight into tearing into Greitai while Umay was distracted. A massive stranger (Xxabrielle) decided to try and break them apart but weaved and went around them without being daunted, a friend of Greitai's he assumed, a creature Kozan would normally fear and avoid. Set had joined at some point and had he and Brent not been there to distract and take some of the blows the Sunset would have been a hell of a lot worse off in the end, if not outright dead. There was a moment too, as Set tried to break Kozan off of Greitai that Jae flew in to ram into Set, for a split second his rage was turned towards Jae as Kozan charged at him but swiftly redirected towards Greitai as Kozan went after her again, blinded by the fog in his head and had he been given the chance he may have killed her.

At the end was knocked off his hooves when Umay rushed in one more time and the sound of a snap as he hit the ground - the breath forced out of him. The searing pain finally blazed the sense back into him. Once he was able he scrambled to his hooves and fled, if slowly and painfully, from the battle field with Set at his back fending off the raging Umay. Finally collapsed in a flowerbed though still filled with rage and adrenaline he glared at The Wolf when Set came to his side again. Was forced to his hooves once more by the other man and vomited from the pain and anxiety before telling Set he should have 'stayed out of it', meaning both when Brent was first facing off with Greitai and then this time with Kozan, though deep down was thankful the Gangster's Son still cared enough to be at his side in that moment especially after the panic that set everything off earlier. Was told that he (Set) didn't want to talk about it and was brought out of The Forest and to a hospital (or the hospital in the mansion? Wherever the heck he was took.) Currently out of commission and in a lot of pain as he heals and struggles with guilt and shame about everything that had happened and what he had done.

03 - 02 - 21 =
Set stop making deals with the devil to save my ass. But also don't stop caring enough to want to do so...

Maybe safe in the forest again? For now. But also got to do a lot of tiptoeing for a while to not step on anymore toes...

Starting to use the portal Set and company use to get into the forest after being told to do so. Feels strange to him and quite a bit disorienting. Will the Dreamer stop dreaming?

02 - 28 - 21 =
Tried to have a heart to heart with Umay. Didn't go well. Was prepared though and saved his ass temporarily by turning her into a frog. Now to just avoid living life again so he doesn't die.

As she becomes a small, helpless creature he speaks once more. "Between his words and yours.... I can see who the real monster is. That stupid bastard's just lonely... but you... I was right about you. I know people like you..."



02-??-21 - 02-27-21 =
Ok, woo, another overdue update. I don't even know what I need to put here, let's see...
So basically got convinced to tell Set why he had a "bad day" and then Set went to fetch him off the streets so his dumb ass wont freeze to death (sorry I pulled a knife on you because I didn't find the gun first) and now he's living in the guest bedroom in Set's cabin with Set and Wick. Had a surprise we're here moment with Wick and both the Dreamer and the Dreameater were embarrassed as heck. Sorry, Wick! But things turned out ok so far. How will this go? IDK
Then some stuff happened after that in forest and got a pouty moment after an injured Set snapped at him that he wanted to be alone. Did as he asked but... you have more people with you now Set ;o; rip. Had a small chat with Matt... thanks man, I see you're trying even though your tough guy exterior makes dealing with me hard for you... would stay with you and Landan but player needs sleep.
Day after that met up with Jonah/Jay who he hasn't seen in forever but then Set showed up to apologize about the other day but Kozan is like afraid he was going to scold him for reasons so instead was like 'I can't talk privately because long lost friend'. But then Jonah is like to Set 'let me heal your wounds bro' and Set was like 'nah, thanks tho' and Kozan was like 'it rude not to accept - stay around but secretly just misses you and with company you can't be mad at me' and Set was all :I 'Fine'. Then Jonah is done and Wick is like HEY KOZAN I'MMA SIT IN YOUR FACE and Kozan is just internally screaming. Then Set and Wick go off for Wick and Set time. So Kozan just stays to cuddle and pout at Jonah. Thanks for putting up with me Jonah, you're a real <3 Also, the news that you have KIDS is shocking.
Then the next day AFTER THAT finally had a chat with Set and they be all sappy apologizing and then chill time with Ianthe and Naida. Then met a sweet newbie fawn and Set and Kozan just show the babu all of the forest. Y U Cute Kid
And now today had a nice chat with Wick, YOU'RE A FREAKING GODDESS AND I'M JUST A WORM, and Kozan appreciates you giving him a chance. Then Set was somewhat near so left Wick thinking they'd want Wick-Set time together but nope they ended up in a crowed. Dodged that crowed socializing bullet.
So that's my update. I hope you love my masterful writing. You're welcome. Next time on the As The Endless Forest Turns...
Just kidding apparently Drupal and then today decided to get exciting.

Rested with Brent a bit then later some Wick, Set, Matt, Ia, Lan, Babu time. But then Brent again... oh hi Brent. Watched as Brent awkwardly checked out and said hi to everyone to Set's total dismay and some others being all tense. Got some Brent nuzzles too and awkwardly returned them but that kinda started stuff... So Kozan tried to encourage Brent to come away with him but Brent was like... Nope I'm here to be a punk. Finally Brent decided it was time to go and by this time Kozan was sure people were mad at him so he followed Brent off.
But then Brent was getting restless and thought it a great idea to antagonize Umay... Kozan tried VERY HARD to convince Brent to leave giving the biggest puppydog eyes he could and offering to have a tea party in the rain because Brent just seemed upset everyone one was having tea parties but him. >:I Finally convinced Brent to leave (IDK maybe Brent just decided on his own too) but it was too late and despite getting pretty far Umay came charging in. Watched as Umay and Brent went at it until Set came to push him away from the fight. Fussed and pouted at The Wolf but yah... don't be angry Set... Back in the group with Matt, Landan, and babus Umay came to yell at Kozan which everyone jumped to his defense but... guys no, this puts you and babus in danger I'mma just face this music... Fussed at Set to just let him lead off Umay but WHATS THIS Umay left so just pissed off Set for nothing on that account. RIP Tried to talk to Set when he went off to pout (as a Set do) but then Wick and Kozan was afraid of upsetting her too after they had such a NICE CHAT earlier and he didn't want to ruin that so... Went off to hide.
Found an injured Brent and had a conversation with him as the beast lay basically near dead.

"If there was no one else to rile. Would I be a target?"

"You have my word I won't go after you personally. You're not the -- target.."

"I'm not so worried about you going after me, Brent. I was curious if you would, considering what you did today... if you even give a shit. I think you do." "You laying here half dead. You want that. I don't know if it is because of something you lost or something you want... if it's because you're lonely and this fills that. I found out the hard way that... it helps the lonely when they're beating the shit out of you... at least they are focusing on you for just that little bit of their time... Like you're worth the beating.... I know what that feels like... but from one worthless piece of shit to another... it never lasts long. That high. Then you remember they just will forget you again, when the sting on their fists or the blood in their mouth fades. It wont fulfill you, Brent. There are better ways. It's just more difficult to achieve..."

"It'll last as long as I damn well want it to, but for those who've reached past my hellish self, those are the people I care about. They took the time to fuckin understand y'know? I just lose my mind, a lot.." "Guess we're both losers huh?"

"Yah, ripe losers for sure."

Not looking forward to going back to the waking world after today. Afraid to face Set but trying to prepare himself for the unavoidable chat. Just don't hate me... my heart can't take it.

02 - 19 - 21 =
Not doing great but could be worse. Could definitely be worse. Thought about reaching out to a few contacts, almost did on a couple of cases using a rare and elusive payphone. But in the end decided perhaps it was just better (and in some cases safer after one of the people he called asked a few questionable questions that stirred up his paranoia) to just figure it out on his own like he always had. Holed up somewhere he believes might get him through the colder months. As always decided to use The Forest like usual, as a crutch to get him through life, and found himself the sunniest spot that was not occupied that he could find and soaking up the warmth as much as he could. Knows this wont exactly help reality but... it was better than shivering himself awake if he slept normally.
Now would be a great time for you to show up Rook. Where is that jerk?

02 - 18 - 21 =
Stayed at Brent's side for the past two nights guarding the passed out beast. Was finally visited by Set yesterday who didn't seem pleased Kozan was still sticking with The Obsidian. The Sunset was ecstatic that The Wolf came at all, grateful he wasn't forgotten after all, though tried to explain to the other man that he couldn't just leave Brent defenseless, not after the beast defended him and all. Watched Set leave again, the Sunset a bit down hearted to see him go but stuck with his resolve. Finally the beast awoke today and spoke briefly with him. Brent showed his gratitude in his own way before leaving to get cleaned up and Kozan left to the waking world to care for his other self.
To come to an unpleasant surprise. :/ Awoke not only dehydrated and hungry as hell since he hadn't ate in two days (as was to be expected) but also freezing his tail bone off. Come to find out that while he was isolating himself in his little studio apartment and he was mentally off in magical deer land that the building was going under the process of being condemned for a safety violation and just the other day management turned off power (including the heat) to try and drive off anyone refusing to leave. Scrambling to find ways to deal with the situation before he spends another night nearly frostbitten.

02 - 16 - 21 =
Early in the day met and sat briefly with Hrókr who soon left to greet some big stranger. This is fine, use to it. Left to give a glance and distant greeting to Brent who was sitting with Maggot. Don't mind me, I wont disturb your bonding time... Peeked at a few other folks but in the end just flopped back down atop Red Hill.

Heard a lot of ruckus later, several familiar screaming voices, and as the nosy creature he is went to investigate. At first couldn't tell who was fighting who but did pick out Brent, Umay, and Nelida amongst a few others. Waited until most of the fighting stopped and Brent was a decent distance away from the rest of them before checking on the beast. Noticed Umay sneaking around, feeling her eyes on him and noped away the first time making a wide birth and making sure several other bystanders were between him and her. Fighting started again and Kozan again waited until things settled for another breather, this time went to see how Nelida was considering he still felt he owed her a debt but abandoned the idea as she was surrounded by a couple of others and she was too focused on everything else. Umay and Brent went at it yet again and Kozan was beginning to worry for Brent as he was basically descended on by the rest.
At last it seemed to The Sunset that the fighting came to an end, Brent moved several yards away and Kozan mistakenly thought it safe to check on the beast. Didn't think anything of it until he heard the all too familiar ground beats of Umay stampeding in and surprised yet not surprised finding himself as the target. 'Umay, I don't matter that much, stop trying to use me against people!' Fled as was customary and turned to defend himself when he had to. Brent came to his defense of course and gratefully slipped away when he could only to find surprise! Jae on his tail. 'Wait, why are YOU attacking me now?!' With Brent busy with Umay and Jae on his heels was thrown into a panic. Nearly ran into Hrókr and... was that you Róta or someone else? who were probably just curious about all the hubbub. Though through his panic didn't recognize either case and only seen bodies basically surrounding him and paced and pranced frantically until he saw a spot to make a break for it. Chased a little more by Jae, still oblivious to his intentions, before the white wolf gave up.

Was found again by Brent and lead away to a more quiet spot and stuck close to the other as he tried to calm himself. Found by Set at some point and was asked on what had happened to him, after all he looked a bit roughed up, explained to him what happened, a bit hesitant about the Jae part... knowing Set often roughhoused with him and so was assumed a friend of his. Feared Set would be upset with him instead for accusing one of his friends. Set left with 'got to take care of something' and that 'he would be back'... Set you never came back. ;o; Either way Brent went off to be sad alone and later he came back to talk. Had a bit of a depressing conversation (they both pathetic saps in the end) before the beast passed out. Sat vigil. And Set still didn't come back. Didn't hear any fighting in the late evening air so assumed he was ok... but then worried that perhaps the Gangster's Son WAS angry with him after all. Or perhaps he just forgot about him which hurt more than if he had been angry. Tried to remind himself that he knew it was only a matter of time but it still didn't comfort him. Worried both over Set's absence and for Brent's health simply stayed guarding Brent's passed out self throughout.

02-02-21 - 02-00-21? =
Ran into some news in the waken world yesterday that left him feeling particularly depressed. After his usual methods to find relief failed him fled to The Forest to seek solace. Lacking the energy to do much else other than to laze about and feel sorry for himself.
Was found at some point by Set who tried to initiate play with a spell to the face. Wasn't in the mood for the games and after some prodding from The Wolf opened up to him about his pitiful problem. Felt validated and comforted by the Gangster's Son and at the end of it was even asked to visit him in his own world. Curious yet hesitant as the Sunset doesn't enter The Forest in the same way as many inhabitants do but would finally agree and they planned a day to attempt it.
Stuff happened between! I don't know which and what. \o/ Timelines...
Visited Set by passing through a portal which totally messed him up a bit because... Kozan isn't Kozan but is because what is real bodies vs dream bodies? Recovered with a little time and despite the traumatizing transformation later had a lot of fun with Set like a couple of kids that just needed to get away from them grown up problems. After a couple of days had to get back to The Forest, because taking care of two human Kozans back and forth is too much work and energy. :I Never doing this portal thing again... at least not with his 'deer body'. Recovered with Set keeping a watchful eye on him.
Then more Forest stuff happens \o/ including having an actual... hangout? with Set, Wick, Matt, Landan, and little Yuzuru... Felt envy for the child and in the end for the lot of them despite their words including him. To be fair he hardly knows any of them, only scratching the surface of getting to know Set, still certain he is but a blip in their lives. But maybe there is a little hope tickling at his chest...

01 - 31 - 21 =
Oh, you know... creeped on several people as a Zan do. One of which he recognized but didn't really know-know, which Greitai was there and probably know-knows them who of which Zan creeped on too. (You'd think he'd learn not to creep her... and with some forest freezing and lag too.) Greitai came to tell him off later when he was creeping on an unrelated stranger, I suppose? Lucky for her Kozan had an animal spell up his sleeve. Turned her into a rabbit. Tried kicking her around a bit and allowed her to chase him a bit just for laughs... then she sneezed off the spell.... shit shit Shit Shit SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! Ran for his life for a bit, turned to face her for a bit and as any encounter with Greitai goes got his butt handed to him. Then Greitai's... kid? slowed her down giving Kozan time to slip away.

01 - 30 - 21 =
Has been having trouble sleeping in the "real world" lately so entered The Forest to be lulled by it's more quiet, natural sounds away from the robust city hustle. Awoke sometime later to Mischief sitting next to him, spooked and darted away from the other and was further shocked by two transparent clones of himself appearing behind and to either side of him. Panickly danced around the two clones which seemed so focused on mimicking his every move, not realizing that they came from him. Mischief, amused by the sight, decided to play with the magic and used his own to better solidify the two clones making them exact copies of their original creator. After much confusion and stress on Kozan's side the two clones finally vanished. Mischief apologized for adding to the situation and asked to keep The Sunset company. Hesitating and perhaps a bit miffed by the Kirin's involvement Kozan did agree to accept the company if a bit cautiously.


10 - 30 - 20 =
"Revenge is sweet, Monster-Cat-Lady! Only difference between you and me is I didn't try to kill you. You're welcome. Enjoy your time as Fun Sized!"
Approached Umay today and waited until she noticed before promptly turning her into a mini. Laughed and teased and goaded her, let her chase him around the forest a bit before fleeing the scene of the crime. Never attacked her though did taunt her a bit. Preparing himself for retaliation in the future but he thinks it was worth it.

Awoke later to Set dragging him off to meet Ianthe. Hesitated at first as meeting friends of friends doesn't usually go so well for him but tried to be as polite as he could be. Then Wick slipped in. Felt a bit awkward but tried to politely greet her too. Debated fleeing then but pretty much got pressured into staying and taking a seat. Had a chat between the lot of them, with Wick doing most of the talking and throwing questions Kozan's way. Answered what he could while feeling rather uncomfortable with how she was eyeing him, not realizing he may have said something that may have made him a prey target of some sort. Finally was able to excuse himself and slipped away for the rest of the night.

10 - 26 - 20 =
Stumbled upon a face off between Set and Umay. Stood back and just creeped on the conversation. Was certain there would be a fight (though it looked like there already had been one) but was surprised when the two split off. Followed Set and when they were far enough away spoke to him though kept a tree between them just in case the wolf decided to take his anger out on him. Was able to calm the wolf and even made him laugh. Phew. Wanted to check on his wounds but remembering their rather recent spat decided to take a round-a-about approach and suggested he cool off in the brook after all the rough housing. Didn't plan on getting in himself but was dragged in anyway. Goofed off and splashed around as if he was a kid again until an Umay showed up.
There was a tense moment, Umay and Set exchanging love threats again, and Kozan just staying out of it. Or at least tried to until he became a target. Should have guessed since the she-cat was notorious for targeting companions of those she is trying to hurt but didn't expect he'd be that sort of target. Tried to keep Set between himself and the manticore, it was their fight after all, but failed in the end as he became the main focus of whatever game Umay was playing. Fled and dodged and weaved until it became clear he couldn't lose her so easily and so turned occasionally to throw his antlers in her face in self defense, doing so sporadically and suddenly to try to catch her by surprise.
Finally the chase ended with Kozan and Set goading her by rubbing on her favorite tree. Shaken, bruised, cut up, and exhausted settled with Set for a rest.

10 - 24 - 20 =
Had a spat with Set again some days past after helping clean some of The Wolf's wounds. Wholly Kozan's fault despite it being out of concern for the other man's well being. Split ways with a huff. The next day crawled back to apologize and they talked. Surprisingly felt good about the chat.

Today awoke to Maru paying him a visit. Quickly accepted the company and relaxed by their side. Saw the BZD roaming The Forest and allowed his curiosity to pull him in to watch the celebrations. Stayed at a distance until Maru's presence lured him closer. Never mingling into the crowds and clinging to Maru's side for encouragement and confidence. Despite knowing the BZD from his fawnhood finds him intimidating and triggering of memories of monsters from his past so refuses to get too close to him particularly.

10 - 03 - 20 =
The other day had a conversation with Set. Though anxious at first grew to appreciate his curiosity and interest. Became a bit too laxed and perhaps said too much. Grew a bit defensive when the wolf pried further into things Kozan regretted saying at all. Certain he had offended the other man by the end of it, berating himself as he slipped away.

A day or so after awoke to snow and cold. The scene instantly brought back memories best forgotten yet at the same time found comfort in the pain and melancholy. Longing for faces that he may never see again and even those he would never have thought he'd ever want to see again. Wandered The Forest for a short moment, even visiting The Old Oak where he once thought he'd have died as a teen.
Found himself once more drawn into the Birch Forest near the Drinkplaats where he has been noticing a young fawn. Doesn't know her or where she came from but finds her strangely familiar. Approached her days before only once and hasn't found the courage to again since. Certain she is well taken care of as she looks healthy and he sees her in company on and off so isn't worried for her well being. She's just so familiar yet can't put a hoof on why.

09 - 27 - 20 =
After the Rut trying to cling to the minimum courage it provides him to continue to socialize and visit familiar faces. Failing mostly but seeking out some he knows who welcome his company.

Napped at the foot of Red Hill since the top was occupied and later woke to Set Sitting near by. A bit startled and wholly not prepared to see him then but stuck to his guns and tried, in his way, to apologize for the other day when Kozan believed he started a scuffle between Set and Set's friend. Followed up with rejecting the man's affections and trying to end whatever their interactions were, as he had planned. Set was clearly upset but tried to walk away from it or rather let Set walk away from it.

It didn't take long however that The Collapsar began sinking into regret and a slight panic, recalling just how rare it was that someone would seek him out to give him any such attention. Reminded himself that it was just a matter of time before he'd be forgotten and it would be for the best but instead of making himself feel better only sunk deeper into a highly anxious mindset. Unable to take it anymore sought out Set and tried again to apologize for his own behavior but Set seemed to want none of it. Got knocked around for it? But somehow Set seemed to forgive him? Spent time with him throughout the night after that.

Left Set's side only momentarily in the evening to greet Jonah who he sensed in the forest. Jonah was in company and Kozan tried to make his visit quick as to not cause trouble. Still gave himself a slight guilt trip after realizing he upset one of Jonah's companions when he did not realize there were fawns hidden in the brush near where Kozan was creeping on Jonah and co'. Searing a reminder into his brain to not try to visit familiars again when they are in company, it only causes trouble and gives him more reason to mentally shame himself. Returned to Set and greedily stuck with him as long as he could.

04 - 28 - 20 =
"You're not him... You don't look like him, smell like him... You hold yourself like The Wolf if nothing else, not like The White Knight. But you felt like him, for a moment, and I dared hope. Even while I waited for you to tear me down like the beasts before you... I dared hope.
I will watch you, see what terrors you bring to The Forest like the monstrous madmen before you. What changes will you bring? What Forest patterns will you repeat? I'm curious."

"There are far too many predators in this forest anymore..." Got his butt handed to him by four toothy ladies? After having creeped on one of them like a creeper (well, he did peek at the other two earlier but for a shorter time). Kozan has forgotten the old saying curiosity killed the cat... A lengthy chase and scuffles later was saved by Nelida. "You got a way with teeth on legs. I'm sorry I stuck my antlers in your face... I thought you were with them..." Limping, in pain, and wide eyed alert.

03 - 17 - 19 =
Falling back into his old habit of observing and creeping on others while keeping a safe distance that would limit direct interaction. Spied specifically on Rook and his companion as well as Jonah's mate Elijah for who's group tried to pull him into a 'bout of play. Of course, panicked and avoided it to only later feel guilty about his own rude behavior.

Cautiously followed and watched a particular ?doe? that sparked his curiosity after she actually took notice of him. Noticed her in the Great Oak later with two large fellows standing outside. Wasn't sure what was going on but stalked around tensely to ensure things were alright. In the end the other two wandered off and after she seemed to him displeased with his continuing stalking Kozan decided that he was the one making her uncomfortable as he's a creeping creeper so took his leave as well.

Ended up following and observing one of the large fellows from before. Was spotted and there was a small game of avoiding and more creeping. In the end the tables were turned and Kozan was on the receiving end of being the one followed. Became more and more anxious and suspicious that the other was there to do harm and in the end a scuffle broke out. Fled a few times to only be stalked more and maaay have done the same in his own twisted retaliation. Basically got his ass handed to him before they finally split ways.

Later, after a long rest in the Blue Bowl, was found by Rook and followed him into a human world. After being informed that he looked like he fell into a wood-chipper Kozan explained what happened and promptly Rook responded with "you deserved it" and with that the chariot attempted to leave. Furious at Rook's lack of concern or interest Kozan proceeded to pick a fight with him, pushing more buttons and becoming more physical the longer Rook attempted to ignore him until Rook had to drop him. Stunned not so much at the fact that Rook hit him, as they had fought before with Kozan on the losing end, but more that the fact he didn't really care what Rook thought about him at the moment but still felt immense relief that the other man simply responded at all. Didn't stop Rook from leaving after that and slipped off to crawl into hiding to heal and sulk himself.

10 - 20 - 18 =
Awoke to rain and grumped his way to the Playground. Content enough to find the old leaning slab vacant from strangers and settled down to shelter from the rain. Was joined soon after by Rook. Still upset with him for many reasons but clings to the fact he's the only one that is constant in his life. Some time later was visited by someone he has not seen in a very, very long time. Reunited with Tilly, an old friend. Ecstatic and doesn't know how to deal with this overwhelming feeling between joy and a sort of relief.

"I am just happy you even remember me enough to want to.. be here." Just let me smoosh you with my big rain soaked chest.

09 - 29 - 18 =
"I should be happy just to know you're ok. It's selfish. I don't know why I still ache for you, even after all this time. I know we aren't family... it's just... your the closest thing to it I've ever had."

00 - 00 - 18 =
...