13.6.2017

Slipped back into the forest as he said he would to Keidasi yesterday. Spent the time that he was alone, thinking. Wondered briefly if his daughter had taken anything from the conversation yesterday- knew from all of her responses that she either hadn't been stable enough to take in a single thing he said, or she was simply that self absorbed. Found himself growing irritable with the thought, not on behalf of himself but those around the doe. Also considered approaching her again to actually try and have a conversation that wasn't just being accused of things but then.. didn't think she would be willing to hear him out any more than she had been the first time.

Belatedly felt a sense of 'wait what' with a thing or two she said not quite lining up with what he'd spoken of with her mother and in turn wondered if Yumi's assurance that she'd never said anything negative about him was really true.
Overall concluded he was just far removed from a family that was damaged to hell and back by each other no less, and while he'd be willing to offer whatever he could now that his life was stable, their clear lack of any form of interest in what had kept him away, but a very quick willing to damn him for it, to put it simply, does not have him yearning to be part of their apparently shrinking and very 'exclusive' family.
ASIDE FROM THAT, had never had any thought he would even be welcomed into it when he came back to the forest to save his child from a suicide, because said child- a son and a brother- had been damned for 'leaving them' for whatever amount of time due to his depression AND THIS IS ALL VERYmildly FRUSTRATING AND CONFUSING FOR PAPA LUCC.
Thinks it's fairly obvious what the end result is.

WITH ALL OF THESE THOUGHTS.. putting a number of plans together.

THEN KEIDASI FOUND HIM before he solidified anything.
Curious as to what the boy wanted to speak to him about, especially because his relationship with his father seemed solid.
When he was found and the conversation began, somewhat understood the reason he would be spoken to of all people. Involved, but far enough from the family.
Offered his personal experience with what the boy described BUT THEN HRAE HAD TO WORK :/...
then she returned.. :\..

Went on speaking and hit a number of subjects, some of which he related to. At first concerned for the kid but quickly came to understand he was managing well and would continue to.
Somehow found the subject of Naoki coming up again when he admitted that he did want to know what she'd claimed to have gone through. When Keidasi recounted his understanding of it based off of his.. well. BEING IN THE FOREST during that whole time, was floored but for reasons one may not expect.
Quietly concluded a number of things and when asked why he'd had children at all, gave his honest answer. WHICH FELT WEIRD TO SAY OUT LOUD but.. there u go..

Parted afterwards but not before being thanked and thanking the boy in turn for hearing him out and wanting to know his side. But then Keidasi made the good point of 'well u came in when my dad was dead and nobody else was gonna save him so i couldn't rly have a negative opinion first off' and lucc was like ok fair but you still coulda
Lingering in the forest for some time after Kei left, to think over stuff.


12.6.2017

OMG WHERE DID THE INITIAL UPDATES GO WHY IS IT ONLY THE RP SIGH
WHAT I'D WRITTEN BEFORE!!!!!!
WAS HE CAME TO THE FOREST TO DELIVER SOMETHING HE'D PROMISED. SETTLED ON A HILL THAT REMINDED HIM OF THINGS AND SOLV AND LIFE N STUFF.
AND THEN NAOKI CAME

The Painted's stare stays heavy on the male, body tense but doesn't move an inch even as the other raises. Her ears are perked forward though her gaze appears intense, wavering between a suspicious glare or like she's seen a ghost. Either way, it's apparent the doe is hesitating on a question, but finally she spits out: "Lucchaine?" It was a solid guess, considering her mother had told her about his recent return and the scent he had held familiar qualities to it that pulled her over.

Qanat - Today at 9:14 PM
Sharp eyes blink once or twice, face void of any expression worth reading. Except, maybe, a tinge of expectation along with the slightest, barely noticeable angling of his brows.
A hum answers her question, along with a sliver of a smile coupled with a nod. "Naoki," slips out easily with less hesitation.

singareindeer - Today at 9:21 PM
Her head flicks slightly when he says her name, as if he had just hit her by speaking it. Immediately her ears hug her head, head also tilting downwards but didn't allow herself to lower it in a submissive manner as her instincts would tell her to in any other situation similar to this. "Why..?" she asks, as if he would understand what the question truly was. The doe's breathing came out more jagged now, only the slightest raise of her hackles. All in all, she seemed to be holding her emotions in check well for now.

Qanat - Today at 9:24 PM
The male flicks an ear, shifts his weight as eyes remain settled on the doe before him. Thoughts mill around in his head as he views whatever he does. "Too broad of a question to answer," he admits, not quite sure how else to voice his confusion.

singareindeer - Today at 9:30 PM
She slowly exhales. "Why.. are you here," she speaks, voice growing rigid towards the end no matter how much she attempted to control it. And as much as she was tempted to throw a hundred other questions his way, she'd bite her tongue for now. Besides, she wasn't sure how steady she'd be able to maintain her voice and composure if she talked more than she already was.
nao is holding back her inner hulk rn

Qanat - Today at 9:39 PM
If he's to be transparent, "I came, alerted that a child of mine was gravely injured."
And for no other reason. "My plan was always to keep distant and not disrupt life here for you, your mother, brother.." The lot of them. But. "I had to step in for that. Now, I continue to check." Just in case.
That and, he had a promise to keep.

singareindeer - Today at 9:53 PM
She feels a jab in her chest to hear he had returned to check on a different child, one who had gotten injured and can't muffle the jealous feeling bubbling in her. A shake of her head, looking away as her lips curl back for a moment. It was apparent she was beginning to struggle with concealing her emotions, though she still turned back to face him.
"You.." She takes in another deep breath. "You don't get to decide when you can walk back into our lives," she spoke, voice beginning to waver ever so slightly. "Mom told me about the talk you had with her. You don't get to decide how she's doing as a mother." Her voice rises ever so slightly bringing Yumi up. "You'll never know the things this family has gone through and now.. now you want to show up and 'check in' on things?" A small hiss leaves her lips, gaze casting away. "I'm so glad you returned for your one child w-when they needed you. G-Glad you cared about at least o-one of us." She can't look at him as her voice shakes, feeling her eyes watering but had yet to fall any tears.

Qanat - Today at 10:10 PM
"I did not say I wanted to," admitted calmly, plainly. He hadn't spoken a word of it. "I did not come to you." And, "I won't if you would rather I didn't."
There's no intent to hurt in pointing these things out, but he'd rather avoid confusion.
"Yes." He came for that, and that alone. "And like I know nothing of your family, you know nothing of me, of mine." Or a lack there of. Still. "I returned for a child left alone, with no hope, no love from those he was desperate for. He was in the dirt, in a condition I won't subject you to the image of." He won't sugar coat it. The girl is no more a child to be babied, than he is a father to be respected. "For his sake, for your sake, for your mother's sake. And had I found you in that condition, I would have come just the same."
He turns his head sharply, cracking his neck. If it's a sign of irritation it doesn't show in his words or tone, he's still calm. "I know there was not a point in your life that, had I not come, you would have died. I know you have your multitude of friends who stand by your side and show you an unconditional love that he is not sure he has ever felt."
And, "I'm glad for you." He says genuine, the slightest of smiles.
Eyes slip to the distance. "Regardless of this.." and that. "Your reality, your wants and needs. These aren't of the 'real world'. I respect your right to assume the worst of those who don't prove themselves to you. But I'll tell you of something nobody else has told you, it seems."
And his gaze falls back on her. "This little bubble you live in. Of friends, family, support, gifts, affection. Love. It's not something I've ever known, wanted, seen. I gave your mother two children to love, I gave you life in a place and with a woman I thought would do well by you. Who I think has." He could be wrong, but what he's seen and been told. What Naoki has shown.(edited)
"I left you here without a trace of myself for fear that, with my job and my life I would one day disappear and never return and you would experience a loss I never wanted you to. One you did regardless. And this haunts me. Not because a lack of love. Because there was no lack of it."
But this, her life now..
"This is your reality, your world only. Where mothers and fathers are what makes a family. You live a beautiful, sheltered life that I'm glad you have. But just because it's what you want and know does not mean it is the reality of anyone else, does not mean I have done wrong by you, does not mean that the life you demand and curse others for not giving you, is anything that exists outside of your mind. I feel no guilt for not fitting into an illusion you created and I would lie to say I was. I don't blame you for your feelings either."

singareindeer - Today at 10:50 PM
Though his words come off calm, they still boil the anger that had been stirring inside of Naoki even more. His explanation, though meant for her to see his side on things, only make her curl her lip back once more in disgust.
"Stop talking like you understand anything that I've gone through," she nearly spits the words at him, turning to face him head on once more. "How dare you act as if you know anything that has happened here or know the situations I've lived through!" Voice full of hurt and anger that she couldn't mask any longer. "You were never there to see it.. You were never there at all," she hisses, casting her face away once more as she felt a few tears begin to fall. "You explain it in away to avoid giving yourself guilt when all you've done is leave mothers to raise fatherless children." Her voice is calmer, though the anger is still laced into her words. She takes in a breath to say more but feels her head beginning to grow numb, emotions clouding her thoughts. A shake of her head, looking back to the ground.
"You never wanted any of us," she concludes, falling silent after saying the words as if to absorb them herself.
Slowly, her gaze casts back up to him with furrowed eyebrows; quietly wondering to herself why she had craved his attention for so long and now that he was here all she wanted was to be as far away from him as possible. And yet, there was still the underlying desire in her to know him that kept her hooves dug into the ground. "You weren't.. you weren't going to look for me if I didn't find you, were you?" Suddenly her voice seeming normal, no agression hinted in it though her hackles were still up.

Qanat - Today at 11:03 PM
He doesn't appear quite 'unmoved'. He seems little more than expectant, curious however. The stag listens silently, not responding to a single thing before she falls quiet.
He dips his head, accepting, though he knows for a fact despite whatever her experiences are, she is well, well loved. "That's fine."
Still. "Again, you cannot tell me not to act as if I know you, then turn and do the same. You've done the same to me all of your life." Assumed what he was, who he was, what he'd done.
"I've told you the truth, and if you must continue believing what you've convinced yourself of I won't try to change you."
It appears she barely listened. The talk of her brother's condition seems to go one ear and out the other and everything turns back in on her. Her problems, her anger, whether he would have looked for her.
He doesn't show what he feels, but oh, he feels. Disappointment sets a heavy stone in the pit of his gut. He'd never believe a soul if they told him she would act as she was before him right now. Yet..
Either way. "I said to you mere moments ago, I never wished to force myself into your life, out of respect, out of forethought. So, no."
An inhale. "I've been told of your assumptions and your bitterness. I wouldn't believe heresay but I see it was accurate. Had I not been, it's plain as day here."
Backtracking. "To approach you would be to force you into an unfair corner. You already have cursed me for your thought, acting like I've attempted to push into your life. You would have hated it. Yet if I tell you now that I wouldn't have sought you out you would be miserable with that answer too. You make this obvious."
A bit of a verbal shrug. "I know more of you than you think. You show me plenty of yourself now. You, you, you."
He blinks once. "All I've told you of a brother you'd claim to love. Of a life outside of yours. You cast this aside and bring it back to your bitterness. I know nothing of you, you're right. But I show you an attempt to help you understand. You show me that you like to hear yourself talk. I left because I cared for my children. And I came because I cared for my children. You came to me to be angry and cast away the rest."

Ultimately, more than anything surprised to see the differences between two children raised by the same mother. Found Hirouji and his son nothing if not willing to at least see other sides with understanding.
Could have easily handled her refusing his side out of pure anger, but was, in the end, shocked to find that no matter what he said, who he spoke of, the pain of others he mentioned, she managed to wrench the conversation and focal point back towards herself and the injustice he'd done to her.
Remains guiltless for the wrongs she deems he's done simply because they were a matter of opinion, privilege and circumstance.
BUT THEN NAOKI'S tone quickly switched


All his words pierce right through her, all the insecurities she had of herself being so plain as day for the other to see. She felt stupid and lost in her emotions, lost in all the things she had wanted to believe or didn't want to.
She takes a step back, feeling the her legs wobbling and threatening to give out underneath her as a new wave of emotions course through her and tears begin to fall from her eyes. All the things she had known to be true all along yet so easy for her father to see, to throw in her face. It was so obvious all along.
And then mentioning her brother and slowly putting it together with the one who was injured. A new thought, a new set of emotions making her feel sick. She had assumed all along it was another child, not that it was Hiro. The blame for that so obvious as well. "H-Hiro," she whispers, though comes out almost as a whimper and more of quietly to herself than to Lucchaine. She knew the last words he had said to him, the last time she had seen him. Where else would the blame come from?
All her life she had attempted to build her life on focusing on her mother and her brother, to building a bridge to her uncle, to attempting to reach out passed those walls to others, yet here she was. Still focused on herself. And there was no argument she could offer against him. Never before had she felt so invisible; she was the disgusting one, something she'd known for so long yet only her father was the one to pick it out.
"I-I'm sorry," she whispers, shaking her head quickly to rid all the thoughts that were beginning to cloud her mind. Her body tensed up once more, ready to bolt from the scene herself. There was no use being here anymore, all she had been planning to say or do was completely pointless now. It was all for waste.

AT WHICH POINT, Lucc was both hopeful and worried. Loathed to think she would come away from this all only thinking she was selfish and undeserving when his intention had just been to jar her rapt attention away from herself and only herself. And if all she took away was that she was lowly, it would only mean she continued to be rather absorbed in only her own mind.
So while he thought to leave her to ruminate, opened his mouth again.

Qanat - Today at 11:43 PM
And she crumples. Nearly at his hooves, with an apology said in the name of her brother and through two simple words.
He isn't here to break her down. To defend himself, to tell her what she is. Nor if he here to take her judgement, hypocrisy. But it becomes clear, quickly, that she's still a child.
Another breath from him, a quiet sigh slipping past lips. "If there is something you are sorry for, words aren't what fixes it."
He shifts. "I doubt the apology is for me- if it is, even in a tiny part, I'm not owed that. Whoever you are apologizing to, I'm sure would take those words easily. More than that, I'm sure it would make them happy if you showed that remorse." He doesn't know exactly what she's sorry for. He can guess, but he doesn't know.
"I doubt you'd like to be here much longer. But before you go, if I have any place to offer kind words, or advice now of all times.." which, he likely didn't. But he'd hate to leave her on such a note. "To start, my image of you based on nothing but imagination has always been positive. Brave, strong and kind." He hadn't thought anything less. Perhaps he still doesn't. "I continue to hope you are all of those things under your anger."
As for the advice..
"Don't let yourself sink. I will not make the assumption that you will, but in the event you plan on it.. Don't crawl off, stuff yourself in solitude and punish yourself." Like many did. Like he had at points.
"Doing that means you're sorry for yourself, nursing your own wounds. Changing what you do that makes you sorry and carrying on with your life means you are sorry for others. I hope you are the latter."

Let silence hang between them before the other bid him a soft 'goodnight'.
gOOD NIGHT?


Returned it and watched her go, turning to a nearby EAVESDROPPING KEIDASI! C'mere you lil shit..
Delivered what he'd promised to the boy and his father, speaking a bit afterwards.


6.6.2017 - 7.6.2-17

Daddy's home
and daddy's fucken pissed

Alerted to his firstborn son's death through a simple connection. Dragged himself into the forest only to find his grandson curled around Hirouji.
Spoke to the child and, after some work to bring him back, to his son. Found out a number of things that struck him as everything from ridiculous to enraging but remained level through the talk. To put it simply, through viewing the palpable love his son had for his own and even a mother who no longer stood by his side for whatever reasons it may be, had to say he was proud of the boy.
Also told him he had other siblings but said he'd never met them even though he met Ma'ao just don't go near that one he's fucking weird hiro just concentrate on your immediate family.
While he had every intention of finding Yumi and telling her what Hiro had done to himself, couldn't bring himself to do it when the stag asked he keep things quiet to avoid hurting her. #pureson...
Warned him that if he tried to hurt himself again, he'd bring him back and beat him.
Hiro and kei smiled like he was joking
do u think papa is joking lmao

The next day, sought Yumi out. Initially tense and lacking a filter due to... MAINLY english not being his first language, laid some flat questions on her. Through time, found the conversation growing more insightful though it nearly turned sour at one point when, in response to a suggestion that she consider another way of dealing with her own hurt and telling her she was a good mother, she snapped that he dare not tell her what to do when he'd never been there himself.
Dropped any softness and told the doe not to put words in his mouth nor put him in the place of some person who'd previously made her a victim- claiming he was attempting to help but wouldn't stay to be spat on.
Things died down when she clarified that she hadn't meant it in a bad way, though whether he believed that or not was debatable.
Came to learn that, at her admittance, she often viewed herself as a victim of scrutiny and blame through others. While that brought up more questions that answers, didn't pry into it. Though did explain himself a bit when she admitted she was somewhat frustrated that he'd come out of nowhere and offered advice when he'd been out of the situation for so long. Saw her 'point' though didn't claim to understand it, saying,

"I will not say I empathize this frustration. You and I are from different places, different lives and rules. But I do understand that, the way things work here, I have been seen as a.. 'missing figure'." He can't say it with confidence. But he assumes.
Nonetheless. "Last I came, you were smiling. There was a stag with you, who looked to think low of me. I thought he had grown to love them."
The children. Perhaps he was wrong.
"I have never wanted to be someone who comes and goes and leaves the children wondering why each time. Only someone who was here, then was not, but left no bad impressions aside from what you may have said about me, or what they would have made up in their minds."
It was far more complicated than that, but it's simple to put it that way. "I do not expect you to understand. But." It was what it was. "I would have happily left you all to your happy life if it had not come to my attention that this 'life' was not reality."
Which wasn't to say that he hadn't ever wanted to see them before finding Hiro dead. Just knew it as the least intrusive way considering his lifestyle and job, and in all truth had hoped that they wouldn't remember the visit he'd paid them during their early days. With his life becoming less of a risk, feels he's able to at the least reach a hand out when things appear dire as there as seemed to be no progress despite efforts in the months-long spiral to shitdome.
Learned of Asura's disappearance and Naoki's thoughts of both the stag and himself which likely drew parallels. Disappointed to know that, if only because his whole reason for absence was to avoid a legitimate sense of abandonment from a loved one if he were to ever disappear. But the girl experienced that anyway so FHECK. Also surprised to hear the doe admit that she was putting a lot of her past into the current situation with her family which was far from healthy or helpful. Glad to hear she knew she was doing this but couldn't just tell her to stop.
Went on to speak and found appreciation in the doe saying she hadn't had any expectations of him considering the circumstances. Soon after, left her with the gentle suggestion that, if anything, it may help if her family took distance on a better note than before. Clearly distance was still needed, but their parting was apparently ugly.
You rest tho girl good talk..