My story Dragon Clan

Rihame's picture
I just thought that I would share some of my story, dragon clan with you guys. Its going to be great! This story is about a clan of dragons, fighting agiainst the wolves of Nor. The main character, Raven, plans to save her clans' dragons from the bloody claws of the wolves. She finds ways to make peace, within her clan and on the outside. On her travels, many lives are lost, but in the end they remain in peace. I think that its going to be great. I wonder if you guys will too. Here go's...

CHAPTER 1: THE SIGHT

Raven hugged the green flower pillow on her cream colored bed. It was warm and soft, just like the solf bear skin in her dad's living room. Her father lived for hunting, it was his major labor, or that's just what he'd call it. She jumped off the sheets of her bed and stared out the window. Her cottage was surrounded by a thick forest, called Whitestar wood. The trees were beautiful as the sun was peeking up over the horizen. It's golden light shone through the branches, making Raven's heart warm. Surely the sun would make anyone happy as a goose in an undisturbed nest.

The sun shown on Raven's long feminine hands. It glowed through her catlike ears which stuck up right above her Dark brown hair with silver tips. Her eyes were a lime green, with small black eyelashes and eyebrows, except her eyebrows weren't black, they were brown. She wore things like long boots and a sharp coat, but hardly ever. Her hidden self was a red sweatshirt and pants. She wore golden rings, with small diamonds on them.

Her ears had pricked and snapped inside her head. Then her thoughts eludded her mind. She rushed down the carpet covered stairs and entered a kettle room. It was very nice and warm next to the fireplace, covered in a fluffybrown deer skin, which made her think of the old days. She used to go hunting with her father and brother all the time before mom died, now it was just a dream, long and dreampt off at the back of her head. Now, her brother was out of the house on his own life, and dad never had time for her anymore. It was sad to think about, as she had remembered it.

She heard a rustling sound again, but this time, it was much louder. Raven had figured that it must be outside. Hurriedly, she stole to the front window, but she didn't see a thing. That was that it must be that dragon again, but it sounded like it was inside. This dragon was doing something strange, because most dragons would stay away from cottages and houses. When she got to her bedroom, the dragon was sitting on her bed with its head lying on the sheets. Some of the blankets were scratched, but Raven didn't care about that at the moment. That word repeated in her head again "Cyclone." This just had to be crazy, so as she walked in, she said,"Cyclone" and the dragon put up its head from the blankets, its big eyes staring at her again. Raven could tell that the dragon was recognizing something, so this must be its name. "Cyclone," Raven said again. This time, the dragon got on its claws, and walked over to her, making a sniffing noise. "Yes,"said the dragon," That is my name." She was right after all, that was the dragon's name.

"Why do you keep coming here, Cyclone," Raven said with curiousity. '

Gave it a quick read and it

Gave it a quick read and it seems ok but there are a few things I think could be worked on a bit more, would you mind if I gave you some constructive feedback?
Splinters's picture

Woahnesss!!! This is epic

Woahnesss!!! This is epic sauce!! Laughing out loud It will be fun to wright a book with you!! :3 We really should get on that soon, i just hope adding deer isnt like, a copyright or anything :/
Rihame's picture

Terebetha@ Sure...I wouldn't

Terebetha@ Sure...I wouldn't mind. (anyways, this is just part of chapter 1, I'm still not done yet)

Splinters@ Thanks man! I wonder how the rest of chapter 1 is gonna sound like! Adding deer to it would be like copyrighting it. I just don't think that its such a great idea. (besides, I don't want to add deer to it anyways).

While you do a good job

While you do a good job describing and introducing your main character Raven, the dragon really doesn't get the same attention, even though I can tell it's important to your story. I'm left with several questions after reading what you have so far, questions you might want to clarify in your continued chapters;

-How large is the dragon? Usually dragons are too large to fit in a house, so I was confused for a moment. Best to clarify before the bedroom scene how large the dragon is.
-Does it look like a traditional mythical dragon? Is it an eastern dragon? A wyvern? With horns or without? Clarify the physical traits of the creature so the reader can better visualize the character.

Other than that there really isn't much else that jumps out at me. You've done a very nice job spell-checking and your grammar seems good too. Keep up writing, with practice you can only get better! Smiling
Rihame's picture

Terebetha@ I'll do that, and,

Terebetha@ I'll do that, and, the dragon is about the size of side table. Just a little bigger. I like to make my dragons small, and btw, it has four legs, so its not a wyvern. It looks like those dragons that attack castles, or Europian dragons.