Really, it's 3:40am and I just cried for about 20-30 minutes. Honestly... my life isn't peaches and cream or anything like that. I don't live a healthy, normal life like so many others who have a well paying job or anything like that.

In all honestly, I've been dealing with my mother putting me down for years and I guess it's finally getting to the point where it's taking it's toll on me and making me think "Well maybe I just AM what she says."

To put it simple, and in the best of words. I deal with my mother calling me a lazy excuse for a child almost... well really every god damn day of the week. When I 'over sleep' on my days off I am constantly called a 'lazy bum' or something else in that regard and it really hurts. I get told I do nothing for the household and that I do nothing period when I do but it's never acknowledged.

And I really hate crying... I honestly do. It tears me up because I'm 22 years old and I still cry. Then again, everyone has to cry at some point in life right? If not early on but throughout their lives. I'm just hating what my mother says about me, and when I tell her to "Shut Up." (Yes I have broken down to the point where I have people) I get greeted with more bitching or hits (HARD hits at that) to the shoulder.

I love my mother, I honestly do. And I still live with her. I can't leave, I make... 800-900$ a month at my job 1000-1200$ IF I'm lucky and get a 3 check pay period, and if I were to 'rent' my own place... 500$ of that would go to that. That's not including Bills, Food and other important things. I'd be scrounging more in Debt than anything else (And well right now I'm so back logged on a Credit Card I wouldn't be ABLE to live on my own anyway) and so living with my mom helps in the part of it.

I help pay the bills, in fact... 90% of my OWN checks go towards bills. The rest, goes toward food. I get things for myself yes but there nothing really worth while so to say. And what do I get in return? I get called an Uncaring, Lazy piece of shit for the most part. And honestly, the more she puts me down, the more I FEEL like I'm an uncaring piece of shit that's lazy.

I mean, look at me I work in a god forsaken piece of shit job like she does, I barely make ends meat and I get pissed off about things at my job. She keeps bitching at me saying I can't afford to be fired, yeah well part of my BITCHING is coming from you putting me down god damn it. And I really can't tell that to her face because it would likely end in a BITCH fight and her getting pissed and hitting me or something.

I... draw, that's about my only release in life anymore since 90% of the time my ONLINE time on my days off is taken up by my mother and going all bitch mode saying OH WE NEED TO DO THIS! And if I don't help it's the same "You're lazy and don't care." Routine.

Sometimes I honestly wish I could end it all, just tell her no more and be done with it. But what can I do when I live in her house, under her roof and with her rules. She threatens to rip our Internet router off... but I know as well as she does that she wouldn't last 2 days without Warcraft to play. She threatens to take out internet away constantly... which I know she won't do.

And really, when I'm laying in bed half-awake... I just hear what she says... going on about having a "Lazy daughter that doesn't care if we lose the house." amongst other things. Oh how I wish I could curl up under a rock and just... pass away without anyone knowing. After all, no one in this lifetime (Save for you guys online) would miss me.

Time for me to put on some Music and just go pass out in bed and cry more. It's all I seem to do anymore. G'night guys, I hope you're lives are doing better than mine right now. *pops on Nightmare's Soundtrack and just goes to cry more*

I know I shouldn't be posting any of this on here but honestly... what can I say? My online life is my second family... in fact, my ONLINE life is more of a family than my real family.