June 5, 2009 - 10:36pm — Amara7
I believe that I am right when I say I have never felt this empty. Whatever happened to me in the past always seemed like a blur, but today my feelings were clearer than ever. I do not know what caused this sudden grief and sorrow, but it struck me hard. Hard and painful like a poisoned arrow. A pain that keeps on lingering and slowly kills you from the inside.
I will spare you the experience that has scarred my soul for good, for I know that it will not add anything to your lives. Your happy, frolicking lives. Just like the couple I watched today, dressed in beautiful golden pelts, that lit up in the light of the shining sun.
They were running and jumping, laughing and touching each other. Yes, touching each other. I envied the little nuzzled they shared, even if it did not last long. Do you know why? Would you care at all, dear reader? I am afraid not, but still I am willing to open my heart a bit and share it with you. In all honesty, I feel the need to vent a bit, hoping it will make me feel better. Even though it will not.
I will not touch and will not be touched, by anyone. The brushing of one’s fur against mine is something I do not treasure. In fact, it disgusts me. Deeply, to the core. Ever since what he did to me I cannot bare to feel a stag’s touch again. He scarred me. He tainted me. He destroyed me from the inside and took my ability to love. To trust. Just because he sought power. Power that was insignificant to me anyway.
But like usual, I am trailing off again. The touching. I have been touched by the silver stag named Roti, the only deer I trust so far. But even that made me shiver, made me crawl, made me hide behind the nearest physical object. I had to think about him when I saw the golden couple, the couple that passed me two or three times without looking at him. They were probably so engulfed in their lovey-dovey ness that I was not even worth looking at. But yes, I had to think about Roti. How he had nuzzled me and I backed away in fear, which clearly hurt his feelings back then. I still feel very sorry for him, but that will not make me do it. I have to be honest to you, my one and only friend, if I may call you that. And I will be honest by saying:
I will not be touched.
Never.
o:! Hm, I'm wondering if the
;^; But meep, your deer has such a sad story...I can guess what happened .____.
-- Dannii <3
If I can remember correctly,
Everyone has sad stories these days....
A small sort of party, yes
But gah, poor Amara ;.; That is what she's called, yes? I've read your other blog entries, but my memory's slipped me D| I think two of my old deer saw her inforest once or twice
-- Dannii <3
They're not? Ah well, that
X"D You've no idea how many
8D Amarantha? That's...exotic o: I like it! Does it have a meaning, or did you make it yourself?
-- Dannii <3
It is Greek or Latin, it
:D That's beautiful <3 I'm a
-- Dannii <3
Ah! So my vision about the
8D Heh <3 I hope to see
I hope to see Amara in-forest again sometime, but I'll be sure to warn my deer not to get too close :3
-- Dannii <3
I still adore your writing
And that thing about Roti amazed him. He has been sad last few days and that really made his day. Oh, and yes. You can call him a friend. If you want. My fellow told me to say to you that you are really important to him, even though hasn't spent that much time with you and he respects your thoughts so he won't come too close to you if you don't approach him by yourself and nuzzle him. He is too shy to say that himself
Yes Martisol and Rutilus
Marti: I made you feel bad when I kept running by you? 0_0
OH NO NOT AGAIN! -pushes Martisol away before she can get all sulky-
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