Going against nature: Turning tides

Alphafrost's picture
Hey guys. Trying this for the first time. Real, live violence. It may start slow and wary, because I have never tried something this deep from my soul before. These are MY emotions, about what I have been through in my life, and what I am going through. Please be aware, I can and and will get deep into there pain, okay?

The deer stared at the gun, knowing it was far too late to run. The forest air felt like the crack of a whip in the stillness. There were only a few moments left. Only a few times left to ponder life, and understand. The deer knew it would not stop, not just yet. Leaping at the moment the gun was fired, a graceful shape, fueled by some ancient tide of war. The horns, giant and graceful, were like a shock to the hunter, as his heart was pierced. This deer was not playing for time, nor would he ever attempt it. The blood sprayed, the graceful red arc flowing into the still air. Then, time moved once more. The deer lept away from the dead body, running into the forest once more, the gun left behind to let nature live.


(Should I continue?)
Alphafrost's picture

Hello/ i really would like

Hello/ i really would like some support.. >>

† Life is a Velvet Crowbar
Hitting you over the head
You’re bleeding
Boy you want more?
This is so like you I said
Put yourself on back to bed †
Hubalaboo's picture

Yes, I think you should

Yes, I think you should continue. I like the way this is written. Smiling I could almost see the moment playing in slow motion in my mind.
I've spotted a few errors. Would you like me to point them out?
Alphafrost's picture

Sure.. -Sizzles-

Sure.. -Sizzles-

† Life is a Velvet Crowbar
Hitting you over the head
You’re bleeding
Boy you want more?
This is so like you I said
Put yourself on back to bed †
Hubalaboo's picture

Oh, you've fixed the main

Oh, you've fixed the main typo - "time moved once more". Other than that I was going to point out "lept" - I believe it's "leapt" - and the use of "graceful". Did you mean to use it repetitively? Not saying it's bad - many writers use the same words over and over to convey mood/emotion, etc. Smiling I personally like the repetition, myself.
Hope this helps. Keep writing!
ocean's picture

I liked this. I think you

I liked this. I think you should. c:
Alphafrost's picture

Thank you Ocean. Sorry for

Thank you Ocean.


Sorry for the repetition. I have done it for years, I can't shake it. :|

I sp'd it, but I didn't want to change it. @.@

† Life is a Velvet Crowbar
Hitting you over the head
You’re bleeding
Boy you want more?
This is so like you I said
Put yourself on back to bed †