March 13, 2011 - 1:31am — Gruffen11
My name is Skydancer, queen of the stars and sky. When I was born, my mother and father, the king and queen of the sky, told me I was destined for greatness. That time was short-lived. They went to go to another kingdom to celebrate something one night and never came back. The royal messenger came and told me they had been eaten by Leo. I was very sad because I had only been a fawn. I got over it, but in the back of my mind I still miss them. After my parents died, I inherited the throne of the kingdom from them. I find it EXCEEDINGLY boring to run a kingdom in the sky when you can't fly and all you are is a constellation. What worried my subjects most was the interest I showed in a forest on the Earth. They would say things like: "You aren't a land-deer, you are a Sky-Deer, Sky!" and, "Start paying attention to the real world, Skydancer!" THAT particular comment sent my gears a-twirling. "This isn't the real world!" I said. "This is a world where everything is always perfect and nothing goes wrong!" They sent me to my room. I heard a guard say, "Just some teenage temper. My son was e same way." I felt like my head was going explode with rage! I burst out of the room and ran all the way to where the sky ended and there was a sheer drop to Earth. "STOP!!!" Leo thundered. "You can't abandon your kingdom!" "Say that to my scythes!" I yelled, using my sword-antlers to slash at the sky lion. He matched me blow for blow. I ran beneath the lion’s legs and jumped off the edge to go to my beloved dream world: Earth.
Would you like me to tell you
This is a red pill blue pill situation. Choose wisely because it is your choice.
Completey honest! I want to
~Gruffen11
I repeat, it is your choice
First of all, you need to check your spelling, your profile says you're from the united states, so I'm pretty sure you know basic English.
-You not u the writing seems okay (English is not at all my first language so I may be missing things) although I would fix the 'my son was e same way' to the, and 'teenage temper' instead of 'teenager temper' also 'that sent me to my room' should be 'they' anyway check it over yourself a few times.
I personally think orphaned characters, and characters thrust into thrones at a young age are overused but that's just a personal opinion, of course I also wonder about how that could even happen, if her parents were a king and queen, why didn't they have others bringing them food? it would make sense if you laid down a reason for this.
Why did Leo eat them? was he jealous? a rivalry? characters aren't just evil for the sake of being evil, if they are it's flat and uninteresting to read about.
And again, she rules a kingdom, people need to listen to her or she isn't really ruler, so how did anyone send her to her room? is she queen or isn't she? logical fallacy.
It notes that she's a constellation and can't fly, but she has to eat? But she can move at all and runs a kingdom? there's a rather large plot hole here that really needs to be explained.
""STOP!!!" Leo thundered. I said, "Say that to my scythes!" He matched me blow for blow. I ran beneath the lion’s legs and jumped off the edge."
uhm, hi, what, whoa, where did this come from, I am so confused, why is Leo there and why isn't she ruling over him, in fact, he killed her parents, shouldn't she have maybe had him locked up or killed, or I don't know something a queen would do for killing her parents?
Scythes, that, came from nowhere, is she a deer? a human? it said she was a deer, how is she holding scythes? do you mean antlers? because if so you really need to clarify.
Also, who trained her to use weapons? she's a princess/queen, she doesn't need to learn how to use weapons so you really need a reason for this.
Was she hurt jumping off the edge? what happened then, she couldn't fly, so she must be injured, at least.
What are her flaws? every character needs flaws, if she doesn't have flaws I don't know what to say.
Overall;
Check spelling and grammar
Fill in plot holes
Give enough major flaws to balance out everything else, the weaponry, the noble lineage, the being an orphan etc, ACTUAL, FLAWS, not tiny things nobody cares about, or she'll be a mary sue.
did I miss anything???
~Gruffen11