June 6, 2008 - 5:06am — Seed
((I apologize in advance for Seed's emo...but I really do love his pain. It's like the sprinkles of sorrow on the ice-cream sunday of my day. CRY, EMO-DEER, CRY! *maniacle laugh*))
There is something solemn about the night; even without events as bitter and as sweet as tonight's, the night would still be grave. The forest takes its darkness deeply to heart: our pictograms become as beacons, the butterflies give way to fireflies like fallen stars...But this is not what I wanted to say. That's the way it always is, when there's something important happening: I want to look to other things, to let the world empathize with me.
I awoke and for a moment, everything had the stillness of a dream: the night would not rise, and while some deer (including Walter), appeared, they moved infrequently. I dozed for a moment, and the world repaired itself (or I repaired myself). A bad omen, though I didn't think about it as such at the time In the night, I found Walter and a few other deer, whom I mostly know but I admit cannot remember at the moment, crying at the Shaft of Light. I admit: if I did not think of the night as solemn but beatiful before, the reminder of that grief, old enough to be mostly put away but young enough to bring itself out at such moments, enforced the idea. Walter took off, and all the deer there followed him: I was suddenly reminded of one of the Runs for Run...It felt planned, and while it puzzled me, I figured perhaps they were just trying to have...well, some sort of party. I don't know. Just after Walter got done helping me with my set, we all ended up running to the lake. A lot of us fell in, but we all sort of slowed down to try and get as many set pieces back as we could. I wondered, for a time, if that was what herds were like: all of us moved to Walter's cue, gaining and losing deer as we went, clustering in places like pollen in a stream. We formed a huge dance group (after running into Trois, which was shocking: I haven't seen him around in ages), and reared on the playground rocks. I admit, as reverent and strange as the feeling that night was...I was kind of enjoying myself.
I noticed something, though, when Walter had to take a break beneath a willow tree: he was...I don't know if I can explain it. There was a feeling, from the way he breathed before he faded into the vanished, senseless sleep, from the whispering of the trees that I always notice when I am still like I was at that moment, maybe even from the feeling of their air that night...that Walter was leaving us. And it all made sense. The feeling that I had stumbled onto something pre-planned proved true: this was a sendoff. a goodbye -- for us and for him. He got up a little while later, in time to see 21. Or in time for her to see him. We all sat and watched the fireflies for a while, until 21 fell asleep, as far as I can recall. I think that things got a lot sadder after that point. He ran off, and didn't want me to follow him. But how can I explain it? I felt like if I left him at that point, that...oh, I don't know. That he would vanish into the night, and I would never see him again. It was selfish, and foolish, I know -- but I felt it was what I had to do. I know now that he was just trying to see Her by himself...but at the time, when he turned to me with anger, or frustation, or rage in his stance, all I could do was tell him, as best I could, over and over again, "No. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I rather wish I hadn't. I really wish I hadn't...when he went to sleep in the water, I think he went to sleep mad at me. He'll be gone when the sun rises, I know that much. But the night will probably not hold out long enough for me to apologize.
If that is the case, then...maybe he already knows that he was family, one of the closest, albeit strangest, friends I've had in the forest. I feel like I've learned a lot from him: not the way a fawn learns from its parents, but as one deer from another. He's perplexed me, annoyed me, and made me laugh. I've always envied the way he felt without restraint, the way he challenged my ability to understand another deer...and I'm flattered to have been his friend. If not, all I can do is pray for more night, or that he comes back one day. I've heard he may, but to be honest, I'm not sure I can believe it, deep-down. All I can do is pray a prayer to the gods.
(( Me: There...you done?
Seed: *sniff* I-I think so...
Me: wanna go running?
Seed: *sniff* *sniff* *nod*
Me: OK, let's go run off the grief like it was an ice-cream sunday. ))
Applauds for the wonderful
But then...there are sader things...
I love ice-cream!
Hm...I miss one of my freindy deers.
Like Whisper, and Big Game. Ever since I
left for some months I never seen them in the
forest again. I was mad at myself for leaving, but
hey what can ya do?
Things come and things go? And...yeah....
:X
On the list of Walter's
----
Click the eggies, save a life!
http://dragcave.ath.cx/user/50923