January 19, 2013 - 6:07pm — Seed
Yesterday, I spent some time at my favorite exercise: navigating sunbeams.
Those shaft of light were my beacon, my road in the midst of darkness. I bent my body to their curves, raised my steps and bounded over the places they became spotted like the light thrown up by water onto the walls of the bridge... It was a good walk, over the purple-and-green mottled landscape of the Old Forest and the mossy crimson clay of the Birch Forest.
I didn't keep a steady pace -- if I found I needed to speed up to make a jump, I had to back up, first. Moving in and out of light, I had time to consider things: the way the ground of the First Forest is almost scaly-looking, covered in light patches, color against color in its mottled way; different from the sunlight, and yet still creating. It's the old leaves, I think, that make it: the overlay of leaves becomes like scales (or, perhaps in my case, the overlay of scales).
There was no sound but the forest settling around me, and the birds chirping in the branches, and my footsteps, and my breathing. Nothing louder than the swaying of the grass as I moved through it, perhaps.
Under these circumstances...I let my worries run wild. It had been a while since I had seen Sage. Not long enough that I'm terribly worried...But given my history, long enough that I feel a gnaw of concern, and miss her. After all, if she vanished now...I'd have never told her what was really in my heart.
But if she was here right now, today, would I? Should I? She said she has never been in love -- and recently enough that I was fishing when I asked. At best, it means she may love me, and may not realize it. At worse, she does not love me.
If I asked, I think there'd be no more uncertainty in her: I'd have her answer, because the asking would enable her to give it. That's what I believe... Which means that were she not to love me, she would know it. And know that for all my love, she has nothing to return.
I think that is something...That would create problems for us, as friends. I think she might be guilty, or uneasy... Or, worse, think I was decieving her. Being her friend in the hopes it would make her love me. I'm sure that she would find me unspeakable, were she to believe that.
So why should I endure such a thing, for that slim hope that she doesn't know her own heart? Why should I do that, when I am happy as her friend? Happy just to be near her, when I can, and to see her smile, or to watch her watch the flight of birds?
When I see that... I feel very happy, in a sad sort of way. My heart is full of love that's all alone in the world, and the happiness of seeing her smile, that happiness I call love, mingles within its own loneliness -- it is a bright and hanging moon in an empty sky.
By the light of that moon, I can see so many things. I can see her warm smile, as if it were meant for me. By the light of that moon, the world is bright, and the patches where the light hits the slick leaves and dappled moss become as stars. By the light of that moon, I feel the warmth of her body spreading as a glow across my skin. By that moon, I think I almost have it -- that future I've sought, again and again; I can just reach out and grab it!
And then I awaken to the world before me, and the dream of that moon lifts. And here I am alone.
I know it's just a dream, and a foolish one at that...But it is sincere. I do not wish to break it.
That is the thoughts I had as I walked. My thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of a doe who, besides looking like Lemon, looked vaguely familiar. She wanted some help getting a mini-pelt, and I obliged. We ran around for a while after that, before parting ways.
I found Lemon sleeping with Leonardo, whom I recognized, and many other deer, whom I did not. He was happy enough to make some room for me beside my sister, for which I was grateful. I sat there and collected these thoughts, pitiful as they may be.
The doe I helped, and other deer, came and went, rose and sat. Eventually, even Lemon woke up. When that happened, we both got up, and I made some introductions -- or maybe I should say, got inspected. About 4 or 5 of us got up and skipped around for a while, just goofing off.
And then it was back to relaxing in a line. The line thinned gradually, until it was just Leonardo, Lemon, and myself. And when Lemon left, I went up to continue chasing lights... What will I do if I catch them, I ask myself? If I find the end of the trail the sunbeams make, that -- like these woods -- winds in upon itself? Perhaps I'll only know what I'd do if I knew what was there, huh? Or maybe knowing would be enough.
When I reached a place to rest at my favorite playground rock, I was joined by another deer, a friend of mine (or, at least, a friendly acquaintence...)
But...
It occured to me...
That it had been a while...
And I had forgotten his name.
I was completely mortified. We frolicked together until my shame overtook me, and I had to depart. I'm sorry, my friend! I just haven't heard it in a while!
So sorry.
