Oh for the love of all that is sane in this world, why does life torture me so?!

Everything has just decided to screw with me in any way possible. I have held on strong for almost a year now, after the major meltdown that I had last year, I resolved that I would do everything to stop it from happening again. But as of late, I can see it happening again soon. I came so close to it tonight.

I've had a horrible day. I don't know where I went wrong, but I know that someone threw I monkey wrench into the system somewhere.

1. I arrive late for the bus and thus lose my seat to the most obnoxious freshmen you could ever meet.
2. In photo class, my negatives turn out wrong about 5 times no matter what I do. It is a lot more frustrating and heartbreaking than it sounds, especially after how hard I worked.
3. I have to get 4 complete pieces of quality artwork done before the first of December, which is really time consuming and stressful. This doesn't count the other 2 art classes I have.
4. My mom nags and berates me the entire way home about stuff that isn't important whatsoever.
5. I sit down to relax, just for a little while, just to be in my own world and calm down, and my computer starts doing something weird. Some sort of Rapid Antivirus software starts randomly popping up with spyware warnings and fucks up my computer big time. I had never even seen this crap before, so I have no idea where it came from. And as soon as this crap came up, it began to make very..............rudely.................named files on my desktop. I managed to delete most of them, there is only one that is still stuck there. And my Norton Antivirus program could not detect any of the supposed threats this poser software was clainming to have found. And now, like ever 5 minutes or so, my computer goes to the infamous "Blue Screen of Death" and tells me that it has found un-registered software (3 guess as to what)...then it proceeds to return to the previous screen as though nothing ever happened. THEN IT REPEATS THE CRAP ALL OVER AGAIN.
6. My mom returns to nag me about how there are books and models horses are sitting on my desk, and that I haven't cleaned them up since I got home. All of 5 minutes later, she continues to nag me while I am trying to figure what my computer is doing. She starts to get snappy at me, over very stupid stuff that could be handled calmly, so I get a tad snappy back because of being distracted and frustrated enough already. So she calls my dad and makes me seem all horrible and evil because that's just how teenagers are. They are all evil little bastards.
7. All of this college and senior year crap have been stressing me out since the end of last year. What the hell happens to me when this year ends? Will they just throw me out and leave me to fend for myself? Which has basically been how I lived my life for the past 12 years. Can I really go where I want to? Am I going to be good enough? What if I can't raise the money? What if I can't get into the program that I want to? What happens to me now? People expect so much of me, they want me to be this perfect little honors student who goes off to college and becomes so incredibly awesome that it's insane. What if I can't do that? I never even wanted to be in the National Honors Society, but I was forced to. What if I can't go to college? What will people think of me then? I'm afraid I don't know anymore............I'm afraid in general.
8. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, all my family comes up to me, not even asking first, they just order it like I'm some sort of fast food drive-thru, they tell me to draw something for them, or go paint them this really complicated picture, like it's the easiest thing in the world. Just because they all assume that because I am an artist, I can just magically do anything and do it fast. Just because I can draw doesn't mean that I like doing it all the time, or that i can just do anything you request.

Everything has just been weighing down on me, I am at the breaking point. Something has to change soon, or I am going to lose it. Last year's episode was just as bad. No one understood how hard it was, to give up my life, to lose everything I had to chase some silly dream I had. The only thing I am holding onto now is one really awesome, extremely good friend 700 miles away. She has always been there for me, and I don't think that will change now. If there is anything I am thankful for, it's her. I really do not appreciate her enough. I feel so horrible, that I can't be there with her, all I want to do is go home........to my real home, not here in Florida.

I have no one to turn to here, I am all alone. I don't really have any close friends that I can confide in, or any that really, truly care, not like my Cassidey up north. There was never a time that I really, really wished that one of the characters living in my head could take over and fix this mess I made, and I could just fade to the back for awhile, but then people would think that I was insane.

I just need something good to happen. I didn't create this blog to whine or complain, I just needed somewhere to say it all. I have kept this to myself for too long, I just needed to unload this somewhere. I'm not looking for sympathy, or for someone to blow up in my face because I'm being emo. I just really, really needed to have an emotional dump on something.

I don't know what is going to happen with my computer, but if the worst happens, and I disappear for a bit, then at least you'll know where I went. Because of the 5-min-interval-shutting-down-thing, it would not be good to enter the forest, so Atiq, Lier, and Adel send their love, and if you have anything to say to them, say it now, for we may not be here for much longer...............

and dammit, Cato A. Hoyle is not gonna take this anymore. *goes off to plead brother for help*

-forever yours,
Cato.