January 5, 2011 - 10:40pm — Chickenwhite
Okay, rant-vent-thing below, I'm sorry, but I REALLY need to get some stuff off of my chest.
(watch out for language) (will be erased/updated with every new problem, so older comments below may not be related to the current subject)
03-11-2011
How come all of my relationships seem to be ruled by guilt?...
Yeah, a friend of mine wrote -A lot!- today and showed it to me after I'd been taking the day off to catch up with my homework.
Those who know me well enough will know - but probably won't understand, I haven't found a single person who did - my general feelings towards reading.
I -HATE- reading non-published things. Poems, fanfics, internet stories, anything that isn't published and part of my studies, I turn off on it immediately and my brain physically protests whenever I try to read something like that. I can't read anything that isn't academic any more and you know what? That suits me just fine. Means less distractions from my studies.
My friend entered the NaNoWriMo as she does every year and asked my to please read the beginning of it, sending it in 3. Notes. on Deviantart.
Now after having already read 20+ pages of academic material, my brain was pretty beat and protesting by the very idea itself. But I still read 2 of the 3 notes and asked if I couldn't wait 'till a later time to read the last one.
My friend's response?
Getting pissy with me and going on the NaNo-forum to be passive-aggressive.
So far, no damage done. Neigh, the damage was done when she TOLD me about her writing on the forum. She only wanted to share how friendly the community was and tell me how 6 people had responded within 10 minutes and demanded reading her stuff as well as encouraging her to write more, but she so happened to mention the reason for her post as well.
Because she was feeling unappreciated and pissed-upon by those she thought she could rely on.
This... This is the part where I snapped.
I told her that I was sorry about making her feel that way... And then that word echoed in my mind...
"Sorry..."
"Sorry."
"Sorry!"
"Sorry!!" Over and over again!
I'd spent my last couple of YEARS being sorry.
In my previous relationship, my ex liked to nag on every single little thing because she "hated herself" and didn't have a friggin' speck of self-esteem. Every day was a tango to avoid touchy subjects, of which she was MADE of, and yet somehow STILL ending up apologising to her for things that 90% of the time weren't my fault.
After a while I couldn't even figure out how to cheer people up anymore because she was ripping that clean out of me by imposing these fucking RIDICULOUS issues on me. (Part of the reason why my cheer-up-blog became inactive)
And now it was all returning... Every single time I'd apologised for something I couldn't help, every time she'd been over-sensitive on me and every time I'd said that fucking. Little. Word.
"Sorry."
I NEVER wanted to say that word again. I NEVER wanted to be blamed for something I couldn't help or didn't cause and I told her so.
I couldn't help it, it just blurted out of me like a sneeze or an unpleasant observation.
I remembered to tell her while in the midst of my hormone-driven rage, that it wasn't her fault and that I'd say I was sorry about letting all of that out on her if the very act of doing so wouldn't cause me a major haemorrhage, and what was her response?
Getting even more pissed at me and following it up with a guilt-trip-fest.
I always gave her a shoulder whenever she needed to cry... I was always there for her when her mental walls started crumbling... Hell, I was always there for every single one of my friends when they needed me, when they needed someone to listen to and to sort out their problems.
So how come I never got a shoulder in return from any of them?...
My father once told me, that his daughters attract mentally unstable people because they are so stable themselves. Like pillars for everyone else to lean on, strong and sturdy with a firm, unshakable foundation. They provide a stability these people never had in their lives.
So tell me... Someone out there, just tell me... Why... WHY. Can't I have a single sane friend?...
-And the pillar crumbles.-
04-11-2011: above has been resolved. We were both being hormonal and we both apologised to each other, kissed and made up~
Sounds like an unhealthy
I don't have much experience with RP, but coming out of a recent long relationship, perhaps I can help out there.
When I tried to play nice with my ex after he dropped me like an unloved toy, all I got back was rudeness and more hurt feelings. I was fed up, and since Christmas, I haven't spoken to him, since he decided to throw my well meant 'Merry Christmas' back at me. Through this long-winded analogy, what I'm trying to say is that maybe you need to give yourself some distance. Although perhaps you two were fine for awhile being friends, it sounds like perhaps that friendship is dying out. You two have different interests, and while you have tried to change to suit her, she isn't doing anything to meet closer to your end.
You're such a sweet person, I don't want you getting hurt needlessly when the solution is simple, if not easy. It's not a pleasant feeling to completely sever ties with a person, but sometimes, for the health of both sides, it needs to be done.
I wish you luck, truly, and I hope that you can figure something out to make you happy! ^^
Thank you so much for helping
It's not so bad, though, she hasn't apologized yet, but she's only ever done that like... 2 times in her life, but she's trying to make up with me none the less, even if she IS being incredibly whiney about it and trying to lead the attention towards her all the time, when she knows perfectly well that I'm quite hurt by her actions...
Geh, it's typical for her... She hurts me with her selfishness and tries to make up by making me feel sorry for her. She's really quite pathetic that way... But I still treasure her too much as a friend to completely end our friendship, because, luckily, she's only like this once a month... TwT
Sends you big hugs to cheer
Aww, thank you so much,
Things like that make me
Just try to look after yourself, and don't get sucked into anything you regret! Maybe try and have excuses when you sense this coming on, perhaps you can avoid the worst times!
Yeah, me too, they can be
Thank you TwT But I can't avoid these hissy-fits she throws... Mostly because she demands attention 24/7 and it only gets worse if I excuse myself... most of our arguments have started with me forgetting to answer my phone because I was busy doing something else... It's almost as if she doesn't think I have a life outside of her...
Yeesh, that is messy. Are you
Maybe, gently, you can remind her that you need your own space once in awhile. If that doesn't work, even if it causes you some grief afterwards, I really recommend you spend maybe a weekend with your phone turned off, and removing yourself from where she can reach you. It might give her a bit of perspective to realize just how much time she takes from you.
Does she have other friends that she does this to as well? It might be interesting to find out, because if it's everyone that she talks to, then clearly, it's a problem that she has with attachment, but if it's just you, it could mean that she isn't seeing you as an ex anymore, or even as 'just' a friend, but maybe is looking to take more from you.
No, trust me, she's not
Don't blame yourself, really!
*hug* I know it's hard, but you can get through this. You seem to know her really well, so maybe you can figure out a way to get her to just be quiet for a few minutes while you explain your feelings. Whatever happened, don't let her redirect your words toward her. Try to talk to her in such a way that it completely diverts the attention away from her, since that's what she seems to feed on. If she starts making it all about herself again, just don't respond to that, go back to your methods and don't get sucked into turning this into a giant description of her. Harsh as it may seem, I think she needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around her, and if you care about her, maybe you can be the one to teach her that lesson in as kind and gentle a way possible.
Thanks, Trigger, I really
I've thought for a long time, that she just has very little regard for me all-in-all... She reprimands me whenever I go to her to get support if I'm in pain, because she just doesn't have time or energy for my problems, it seems... She even told me to shut up about my pain on several occasions, though she gladly whines to me whenever she's hurting... Not to mention she's a pretentious cutter. She cuts and then does everything in her power to let people see it. I always thought that was the biggest joke ever. When you cut, it's because of inner turmoil which you try to make go away by yourself, not so you can show it to others and have them kiss your ass until you feel better. She's stopped doing it lately, though, luckily! TwT
I see what you mean...it's a
You aren't alone though, my ex was similar in that I would listen to his vents about work and his family life, but when I would try and confide in him about things I was feeling outside of his world, he'd offer a little support, but then basically brush it off with a generic 'it'll be ok, look after yourself' sort of statement. It started getting very frustrating, and I think is one of my biggest regrets that I didn't walk away from it before he got the chance to discard me.
I think you can only continue doing what you're doing as best you can. I have no doubt that you've spoken to her in the nicest way possible, but if she won't listen, then it's really hard to get your message across. I think the best thing I can recommend is that, when she blows up at you, don't fight her. If you can, redirect her anger, and if you can't, try to remain passive and let what she says just wash over your head. From what you've said, she'll pick a fight over anything, so what she says probably isn't personal per se, it has just become so routine for her that she'll say anything in the hopes that you'll react. When you do react, it's almost a reward for her, so if you can remain passive (and god, I know how hard that is), she might get so confused that the regular programming might shut down for a little bit, and you can get some of your message across.
Sorry, that won't work... If
Also, sounds like you've really had it rough!... heh... almost ironic, how we've been through much the same and come out the same way too... I feel so sorry for you... *offers nuzzles*
Thanks for the offer, by the way, I really appreciate it! TwT
(No subject)
I'm stumped as to what you can do about her with that sort of reaction. I guess just hold strong to who you are, and try not to be the one that gives in. You seem like the kind of person that doesn't like a lot of conflict (I recognize a kindred spirit) so it's a difficult thing to do, but I think if you can stand your ground and be firm about not giving into her, even just a little bit, it might be the wake up she needs!
*hug* Whatever happens, know that I wish you the absolute best of luck!
Thank you so much, Trigger
Thanks for sticking out with me, it really helped to have someone who'd wanna listen to me, you're a true pal TwT *hugs back*
Good it worked out for you. I
Thank you, Mini, I'm happy
Sorry I'm getting to this
C:
<3
Yup, that's what I'm hoping
That's great! ^^ I'm really
And believe me, so am I! TwT
My first thought: get out of
I don't want to pass any judgments on her, as I don't know her personally aside from what you've shared, but I really think that what would be best for you is to simply get out of that situation for awhile. If you take a break and then resume contact with her, if she continues to be a little princess like that, simply don't contact her again, give it another break. She seems to cause you nothing but grief, and even when you do have good moments, they don't seem like they're worth that kind of pain.
If the not-talking doesn't work, I'd suggest perhaps putting together an email or a word document in which you lay down your thoughts clearly and without interruption. I'm sure you've tried to talk to her before in other ways, but it sounds like perhaps she doesn't let you get your words in and instead bulldozes them with her own opinions. If you can get her to read a message that is clearly laid out and without her trying to interrupt, maybe the point will sink it a bit better if she's left to think about it for awhile.
Anyway, good luck. Keep us updated, we're here for you! <3
You need to cut them out of
I personally found this funny.
Aww, thank you so much you
@Trigger: Normally I don't think I'd even consider that advice, but it's starting to sound like a good idea... The email or word-document idea wouldn't work, she's not the kind of person to take any kind of criticism. At all. She'd just get even more mad and blame me for her predicament, and only make it worse until I apologized and took back everything I said. She needs to figure out her mistakes on her own, or she'll feel attacked and just go on the defence. But giving it a break sounds like a good idea... Sometimes she can just be so God-damn holy, thinking she's better than everyone else... She does this when it comes to school or academic matters too, she acts incredibly degrading and patronising if you make even ONE grammatical mistake, all because she's studying Latin and as such has an over-evolved sense of grammar. It really gets to me... And right now, I can't even seem to find any good points worth mentioning about her...
@Shamiya: Thanks, mate, sometimes it really feels like that... She's incredibly manipulating and doesn't take "pathos-raping" as a valid argument when I tell her she shouldn't be taking this out on me because I'm her friend. She gets so incredibly cold whenever she's trying to prove her point and get her way, and she' much too used to always winning. She's the kinda person to have a breakdown if she gets anything but straight As in school... I dunno, man, sometimes I really just wanna tell her to back the fuck off and stop being such a cold bitch...
Also, thanks XD
A break sounds like a good
I think that dealing with
No matter what though, stand your ground. Don't apologize for things that you mean, because it is when you start doing that that you begin doubting yourself. I've been through that...it isn't fun.
Perhaps for the future when she gets up on her high horse about things, try either ignoring her, or deflecting the conversation to something else. If she goes on and on about something small, pretend like you don't even notice that and move onto a different topic. I assure you, it will get on her nerves, but it might kind of shock her to realize that you aren't going to listen to everything she says simply because she chooses to say it from a soapbox.
I can see how things like that would get to you. If you do say things to her though, try to save it for a time when you're feeling calm and collected so that you can phrase your words carefully. It's never a good idea to speak out in uncontrolled anger, but I think that you do need to say something.
Good luck! Keep us updated, we're all here for you all the way.
I kinda need support right
I'm sorry this is late, but
If I can suggest anything it is to write out exactly how you're feeling to her, send her that in an email or other message, and explain to her that for your own sanity, you can't talk to her for a little while. You need a break. She is draining you piece by piece, and you don't deserve that. If I could, I would take your phone and computer away, and take you away to a place where you can just relax and be pampered. You are an amazingly strong person, but she seems to know exactly how to get to you...you don't need or deserve that. It is ultimately your decision, but I really encourage you to take a break from her whatever the cost. You need to do what is healthy for you, and right now, talking to her is only hurting you.
<3 Please contact me when you get this, I only wish I had seen it sooner!
Oh, Trigger, I love you
You have no idea how much your words help...
Luckily, Vendetta and I had a good, long talk about all of this and she really helped me cheer up, so I'm fine at the moment TwT I managed to actually prematurely follow your advice and tell my ex exactly what I thought about her and now it's slowly starting to look up... She's still acting like a spoilt brat who didn't get that extra lollipop, but I've learned to stop taking her shit, in part thanks to you and your advice TwT
Fgsfds, you're the sweetest thing ever, you know that? ♥♥♥♥♥ And I'm actually just happy you even left a comment here, the support is... God, I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me...
In any case, I added you to msn, let's talk more there, you lovable person, you TwT
And it's okay, better late than never, I say >w<
(No subject)
I rarely say this as I try to
I'm really shocked that she would snap at you like that when you did give her time to begin with. I could understand her being mad if you blew her off in person, but over msn it's really hard to get a scale of how much the person is struggling...it can be very hard to read emotions through text! As you said, it seemed to you as though she was ok, and if she has a strong personality, that seems like the natural thing to expect as opposed to a total breakdown. As well, like you said, it's not like she's your closest friend, so while you can still do the friend thing and try to support her, it's not really fair of her to throw all of that at you out of nowhere.
If you can go for a walk or something to clear your head before talking to her, or even just taking a few deep breaths, do so, and then try to talk to her about what happened. It might not be pretty, and since you're a smart guy I think you've probably realized that this may result in flak from your ex as well, but it's not fair that you should be hurt when you did nothing wrong. While your family may not always come first in certain things, plans like those with your sister shouldn't be overwritten and your friend should understand that. She should realize that you care enough to take some time to give her comfort, and you want to help, but seeing your sister is a rare opportunity for you.
Anyway, long-winded response aside, what happened there is wrong and I think perhaps what your friend said she might've said when she was emotionally charged and not thinking clearly. Perhaps with a clear head she might realize that, while she was hurting, she maybe lashed out at you without reason to.
Good luck love! If you see me on msn later feel free to poke me to talk more!
Bah, seems like you have
I had a similar situation not so long ago with a friend that conveniently used me as a trashcan, and I swear the comparison isn't even that exaggerated, she could throw anything at. My own issues were just brushed off and I ended up feeling as if so much of who I am was deliberately stomped on when with her.
My advice to you is to take things up front, just speak it out loud, throw an ultimatum, and carry with it.
I know it sounds easy said like this, but eveything doesn't have to be complicated.
That's what I did a few weeks ago, and it has opened way to an healthier, more balanced, friendship.
Now if you would please excuse me as I huggle your neck off! *glomps*
8D
Yes! Thank you so much! Oh,
The reason I post these things on here is mostly because I'm a bad judge of my own actions most of the time, so feedback on whether I'm in the right or wrong is actually quite needed for me... We talked it over, thankfully, and she explained to me that she had said it because she'd rather come clean than go around and carry a grudge... GOD, it's relieving to have a friend who's actually reasonable TwT
Needless to say, after hanging a bit more with my sister (something we agreed to do before I checked my msn today) We both calmed down, and now things are peachy again TwT
Except she's still feeling blue, so I'm comforting her...
And thankfully, she's not the kind to involve my ex in things, she's got the sense to keep her out of personal business TwT
Thank you so much for just being there for me again, dewd, I really, REALLY appreciate it TwT I'm amazed at how you can listen to these rants every time, even take time out of your life to answer them... I feel a little bad for only giving a newsflash every time I'm pissed, though TwT;;; I should share my happiness with you, not just my sorrow, because you, my friend, are SO much worth it TwT
*atomic über-nuzzle!!*
Awww, Nayu, you little ninja!
And I know how you feel... not with THIS friend, though, but with my ex... I was her punchbag until I told her I would not stand being treated like that. People like her need limits, and I was stupid enough to let her run wild when we were dating... And she REALLY has a problem about leaving me alone... It's like she's incapable... But let's not get into her now, I'm feeling so good right atm TwT
XD
Anyway, we talked it over and I'm feeling much better... Thank you so much for giving this little rant time, my friend! TwT
And excuu-uuse me while I huggle YOUR neck off too~
*hugglrhugglehugglehuggle!~*
Duh, I must have read things
I'm glad you're feeling better mate. 8D
*hugglesandsleepyslobberssalloverface*
I kind of get how you feel
Hope you're able to get sometime to yourself and get your space, and don't forget there's people out there -like on here- that will listen to your problems too... Sometimes everyone needs a little rant : )
@Nayu: Heh, nah, I'm just
And I'm glad you guys are here to make me feel better, I love you so much TwT
This is seriously the best community ever TwT
*hugglesbackandputsapillowunderyourhead* *tucksyouinandmakesyouhotchocolate*
@unwharrie: Yeah, I know exactly how you feel... I mean, it's great to be able to help your friends, it's just so hard when they forget you aren't always available... *sighs* I guess that's just a reaction to our people-pleasing actions... Heh, it kinda sounds like we both could need to learn how to say stop, huh? TwT
Thank you so much for sparing some time for me, mate, and don't worry, I'm getting my me-time at the moment, so all's nice and well TwT God, I love you guys in the community, you're seriously the nicest, most well-behaved, caring people I ever came across TwT *huggles you and gives you cookie*
God... I...I'm nearly
I...I'm nearly speechless reading this...it's like reading an extract from my own mind.
With my ex I was constantly apologizing for things that were his fault; for getting mad when he was deliberately pissing me off. I would snap and then he'd make me feel like a monster. It got to the point where I felt like I was intruding on his life, and if I wanted to do something that I wanted, it was a major cost for him and he made me feel like something that lives under a rock.
I know what you mean about being a pillar. I have had days where it feels like everyone is coming to me to help them with their problems, and all I want to do is curl up with a blanket over my head and wonder why me?
It isn't fair that there are some people in the world that are simply takers. They can be vampires, sucking their friends dry until they have nothing left to give, and then discarding them and moving on to the next. It's terrible, and one of those things that makes me want to take the world and shake it every now and then to clear it of dregs.
You...
you are wonderful. You deserve so much better than that, and I wish there was some way that I could fix it all for you. I wish I could give you this brilliant advice that would make you feel like a million dollars and give you a magic phrase to get rid of all the leeches. However, if I could do those things, I wouldn't be in the exact same situation, and I wouldn't have floods of those exact same feelings.
All I have learned is that, while it is tough to be a rock, I can help people by being one. I am strong for them when they are weak, and I can pick them up and dust them off when the world has seen fit to knock them on their butts.
No one likes to be taken advantage of, and in a perfect world, no one would be. This is, however, a perfectly flawed world.
You are amazing dearheart, truly, and if I could go to you I would be your shoulder in a heartbeat.
Trust me, Trigger, simply by
I never expected anyone I know to be in the same situation, it's really horrible to hear that someone has used you the same way!
But in a way... I kind of feel good that I'm not alone about it... And once again, you never fail to be there for me... God, what can I say, I don't feel like I deserve a friend like you! I'm amazed that you listen to all these drabbles of mine when I know perfectly well I've never given you anything significant in return... I swear I could kiss you, Trigger...
And trust me, I'm naught but a manipulative, little person so far stuck up my own backside it'd take spelunking equipment to get me out. You're the truly wonderful here and I SO wish I could do just as much for you as you have done for me ♥
I have to admit, the reason why I rant on here is because I secretly wish for your attention... You always cheer me up and make me feel better about myself. This morning I woke up and felt inexplicably depressed, so deep down a dark place I couldn't see any light and decided to stay at home to try and get better... After reading your comment, that's just a fading, bad dream ♥
Thank you... Thank you so, so much, my dear, under-appreciated friend ♥
*Tries her best to finish
... Those are not the actions
Those are not the actions of a true friend, dear. You did more than your 'fair share' within that friendship.
You're an amazing person, ♥ and I don't even know you 'that well'. But I admire you, even more so after reading this. Doesn't mean that it should have happened.
So glad you could get this off of your chest~
However, I don't know if they are unstable or just stupid.
I have noticed that often those who are kindest are least appreciated - and that's wrong.
Pillars do crumble. Especially if neglected and left to ruin.
But you are really a great person who has been put through unfair circumstances - and I'm not saying that life is going to be fair. Merely these circumstances were extremely unnecessarily unfair.
I'll always listen, ♥. Always.
@Guardian: Aww, don't rush
@Ammy: I'd never go as far as calling her not a true friend, just a manic-depressive one with ADD... She's not all as bad as I make her out to be above, bad things just pile up on me and burst out all at once so the other side of the story gets a little muddled in the process.
Thank you so much for listening, it really means a lot to me... And I always thought it was a little unfair how my sources of comfort all live one or more oceans away... But I've learned to live with it. And what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and if it eventually kills me... Well, I'll just grow a second heart out of spite and regenerate Timelord-style to come back to you guys. Ain't nothing taking me away from my friends on here ♥
♥. Aye, I've done
Really glad. It made you happy.
It is unfair... but I am determined to meet the ones close to me. It means I'll have to go to America, at least, but I'm bloody coming.
ADFKHNADFHA. YOU BOSS. |D IF YOU DIE, YOU BETTER DO THAT. don'tdieplease.
Mmm♥
Be careful... okay?
Oh we all have our moments of
I'm really glad I was able to cheer you up a bit, truly. Thinking of you smiling after your sadness makes me the happy one too. <3
*hug*