This page may be perfectly intact, but it is coated in scorch marks, and torn in places.

Day 143
Tangled Thoughts


A Nobody
Feels nothing

Then explain this profuse pleasure in watching these giant flowers BURN.

If I had a heart, I'd say I found joy in thinking of marluxia's eventual demise.
I had stored up too much lunar energy, waiting for the right time to strike. I did not allow for any berserk rampages in the past few full moons, deliberatly for this purpose. Today, it became a little too much, and I had to let it out.

Those flowers. For every logical reason, I had to see them gone.
My enemy controls plants.
To weaken him, to sleight him, they had to go.
I'm considered completely out of my own self control when I go into these 'fits', so no-one could claim that these actions have been deliberate.

... I think I just chuckled, as I write.
Maybe I'm just tired now. I haven't laughed since Lea and I became nobodies.
It must have been someone nearby.

Let's see.
Today's events...
I do remember running into Ryuu... Roxas... Ourania...
Ryuu was the first to approach me, and we seem to have made a game out of burning those plants and generally rampaging. This eventually waned into dancing.
Later, Roxas turned me into a squirrel, so naturally I had to give him some form of punishment.
Namely having him get himself trapped in a tree, then having Ryuu practically molest him.
That was enough punishment for me to be satisfied.
Personally, I'd have liked to have gone 'bowling for midgets'. This worked just as well.
I felt more energetic than usual, so there was a fair amount of frolic afterwards. Ryuu fell asleap at some point, and as a result Roxas began the process of peacocking him.
I don't know what got into me, but Oura and I joined in, and I later treated them all to ice cream.


I later headed for the ruins. It's been too long since I've been there.
Encountered Jergans, Quad, Ryou, and Marik...
What exactly occured at that point, I can honestly say I don't remember.
No-one seemed in their right mind though, save for Quad.

Now, I need to rest.

I miss you.
And you.

What happened to the plans we made?
A pipe dream.

A second page seems to have started here, but all that remains of the page are ashes.

-----PAST-----

Day 139
Thanksgiving

Well, I suppose writing "Happy Thanksgiving" In my archives isn't the most efficient way of sending a message, but it'll do.
I won't be here in this forest to celebrate the holiday.
Instead, I think I'll spend it and tommarow by stealing one of Xaldin's turkeys out of the Castle that Never Was' kitchen and enjoying the meal myself... That and sleeping.
The guy always did make more than enough for everyone anyway.
Of course, doing anything like that might reinforce the 'dog' label. Best just stay polite here.

I'll have to remember to bring something back for Xemnas. I still haven't been able to get him out of the forest - heck, still can't get him out of that sunspot.


-----

Day 136
Blue Moon

There was already two full moons last month, by the hand... or hooves... of the gods of this forest. Now, it seems such is happening again this month. Tommarow will bring about a blue moon.

If I can maintain my senses, I should like to enjoy it with someone.
I'm not pickey... I'd be... honored? to have any friend around... though I would particularly like to be accompanied by you, Xemnas. Or you, Tusse.
I haven't seen much of you lately...

Actually, I haven't seen much of Marluxia either.
Not that I feel a need to complain on that note.

Wonder how Lea is...

I still haven't been able to speak with him.
Has my part in our background been finally forgotten?
I digress...
-----

Day 128
Upkeep

I keep my promises.
Today has been the first in several where anything interesting has occured worth notation.
Technically, I could mention a few things from this past week or so, but I don't believe I can accuratly write on them without sounding... off.

I found Seda with Oura and others, and spent some time watching over the youth. This was interrupted when Ren made an appearance, aiming to get his hooves on Seda. Naturally, I was sure to step in. He seemed to change his mind, unexpectently. Seda ran off, and I followed him to where Vilnius slept. Ren showed up again moments later.

While he still seemed interested in Seda, he was more interested in doing harm to Vilnius. My promise of protection covers both Seda and his father, so when Vilnius awakened and began to defend himself, I was sure to maintain a balance between protecting Seda and sinking my teeth into Ren.

With this rain, I can't tell if I took much damage if any. This time, I don't believe I even obtained a scratch. I will have no hesitations or concerns in regard to the next full moon due to this lack of injury. Ren lost interest in fighting, and we wound up in no more than a stare-off for a while, at least until he departed.


I lingered by the Prince and his son for a while, at least long enough to witness some kind of speed demon blaze past. Looked like a fawn, but... I don't believe any fawn could move like that.
This place is still just... too much.

I need to find a place where things make sense.

Until then, it looks like I'll be child sitting the adopted ones...


Xigbar, did I ever ask you to watch how many stray puppies you pick up? I know Lea got that lecture about twelve years ago...
Guess it can't be helped.

-----

Day 115
Alliances

The time has not yet come, but does draw nearer. I can only continue to bide my time, wait until the conditions are precise and my alliances are ready. While it is important to finish the origional plan with Axel - And actually contact him about any revisions that he may have begun to work on without me - it seems it would be wise to displace those supporting Marluxia's position.

In other words, if Larxene's relationship with Marluxia can't be poisoned and shattered, the other option would be to have her executed. I'm certain they must have had similar ideas theirselves before taking Xemnas down. I wouldn't be suprised if they had intended to have me destroyed first. Well, they didn't manage that part. An error on their part, that won't go without the right punishment.
A punishment I hope will come across as ironic. I would be less suprised to hear they have continued intentions to have the threat I pose extinguished. From the way Marluxia speaks - and how he seems to enjoy lurking where I would normally find Xemnas - I realize he misjudges me, and have the sense that he underestimates what I could do.


It seems I have adiquate numbers to exterminate the both of them, though I could simply off them myself. There's a reason the heartless bend to my will, and not that of the others.

Those I can and can not depend on:

Xemnas; He's not fully recovered yet. If I can delay things long enough, he could be kept on the sidelines until/if I have a problem. He's still the most powerful of us, aside from myself.

Xigbar; From the looks of things, Xigbar is likely to be the most ready and willing to fight on my side. I believe I'll be able to count on him for the eventual showdown with either Larxene or Marluxia.

Xaldin; He did oppose Xemnas when he cracked, so calling upon him may cause some tension. However, enough bribes with munny, ice cream, and pinecones alike seem to be enough to successfully call on him when the time comes.

Vexen; Initially I never thought he'd take the same side as myself, but we began talking some after Xemnas was defeated, identically 'unhappy' with the rest. Now I believe dispite his own illness, he'll be another one to fight beside.

Lexaeus; I don't know where he is right now, but the silent hero is loyal to the core. Or so I'm led to believe. He's undoubtable a powerful ally.

Zexion; Missing. I should be able to get by just fine with the rest of the apprentices.

Axel; It's a given that he'll help, if he's not drowned in paperwork that is. That guy should have paid more attention in school. If he's not planning on staying under Marluxia, he'll likely go about as if he is and turn on the flower in the end. I shouldn't worry too much.

Demyx; Working on him. He's neutral, last I checked, but Xigbar will probably convert the guy to the "loyalist" side. If Xigbar's not enough, a few kind deeds without strings attached may help. No longer being in charge, I can't simply demand him to join us. It's voulintary.

Luxord; I haven't seen the Gambler of Fate in too long. However, if he shows up he's bound to be on our side as well. Along with Xigbar, he was the only other one there in that last day to protect Kingdom Hearts.

Marluxia; He had it coming ever since he first coined the word 'dog' to describe me. I'll "enjoy" this. However, it's best not to be reckless and underestimate the guy.

Larxene; Let's just say... if I have an "X" on my face indicating myself to be a target, you've got a bulls eye now.

Roxas; This one's questionable at best. However, I'm sure Axel will find a way to get him to fight on the correct side... unless Vivian still clings to Marluxia.

Outside of the organization, there are Ryuu, Vilnius, and others. I don't believe I'll endanger them by calling on help, though.
That's what I have all these hartless for.

Spill will come in handy.

-----PAST-----

Day 112
Seda

This place never ceases to twist the mind.

This Halloween, I've overseen a second birth.
This one, I could not afford to have missed.

Vilinus has given birth to a son, and as is part of a deal we've made long ago, I will be sure to provide him with protection. The scene itself was rather bloody, not that I'm capable of minding. He has been given the name of Seda. Aside from the blood, there was more than a little disturbance, with certain deer invading the scene. One obnoxious individual even tried to harvest spells off the Prince himself! Such behavior I could not tolerate. I made a point to keep him, and others, away. Aeis also made an excellant defence, though I could have gone without her mistaking me for one of those who needed to be fended off at first. However, I digress.

Ryuu and Oura made it on time to witness the scene as well. If I had a heart, I'd say I was "Glad" they were there to share in the occasion.


Finally, I seem to finally be on the route to recovery. As of yesterday I've been able to eat again, and I find my strengh returning now. The moon is full, but clouded from sight by layers of snow clouds.


-----

Day 109
Confusions

I'll have to complete my previous entry another time.

I'm not feeling too well today. Can barely eat, strangely sore... So tired. So dizzy...
Mostly I used Ryuu as a pillow threw the course of the day, though I did observe Xigbar passing by at some point, and Quad crossdressing. A sort of 'sick party' formed in the old oak. Wound up meeting a few... interesting... individuals. Evidentally they wound up here threw death as well. They were both injured.

I don't know if it was a hallucination or real, but I think Wonderland likes to cross into this forest. Talking rabbits, giant mushrooms, shrinking and growing... kingdom hearts, if I see this kind of thing again I'm sure to snap.

To top things off, Ventus has appeared. I avoided sight for now, and apparently he ran into Roxas and Sora.
To put it in lamens terms, their meeting was awkward.
We once believed Roxas to be the nobody of Sora...
But could he really be that of Ventus?
They look... exactly alike.

I'm certain of it. Roxas is Ventus' Nobody.

But, if his nobody and somebody can exist at once...
Does it mean that there's a chance Isa, Lea, and others are out there too?
Maybe then, we won't need Kingdom Hearts to exist again, if we can find them.

... Now the nobody-kid has transformed himself into a fawn.
He's dancing with that abomination of a blue midget doe.
This is too much. I'm not up for any of this.
......... Xemnas... where are you? I... I need to rest with you.

Ryuu makes a good pillow until then.

Another full moon in two days... Maybe I'm suffering backlash from the lunar cycle's abnormal adjustment due to the world's magic. Maybe a berserk fit is in order to alleviate this ailement.

-----

Day 108
Observations

I have been making a lot of observations on matters of the heart and matters of nobodies lately. Paired off with extra time on my hands, these observations have mingled with deep thought, and come to hypothesis.
I'm no scientist, but I've been around the origional apprentices (and Xemnas, naturally) long enough to know the scientific method and how to handle such observations and experiments.

Here's a few of my developing hypothesis and observations:

I.) Without a heart, a Nobody is subject to an external heart when it is touched.
This observation is supported in that Axel touched Sora's heart in the past life and 'got something out of it', as Luxord phrased it. He could 'feel', when around the keybladers.
Further observations are that here in this forest, the remainder of the organization have frequent encounters with somebodies, when we were once prohibited from meddling. As a result, we unintentionally touch hearts in one way or another, and as a result, are capable of 'feeling', but perhaps only what the somebody we come close to feels when we are near.

In a sense, we develop artificial emotion that is controlled by another individual.
I can testify that I've unintentionally been subject to this, having touched the hearts of two different youths.
One... once radiated... love?... Sadness... Fear... Anger... Joy and pain. I have not seen her in a while. In our last encounter, I was sure to push away these synthetic emotions once I realized they caused a lapse in judgement.
The other is more stable. Happiness, amusement, on occasion the rare dissappointment.

II.) Younger hearts burn more brightly than those that have aged. Those that age meanwhile can be varied in strengh, being either obscene in strengh or weakness, or remaining neutral and dull.
It is the youth that radiate more intensely than the aged, and it is the youth who more welcomly allow their heart to be touched.

More later.

-----

Day 105
Quiet

It seems I haven't documented anything for a while now.
This isn't of much suprise. I would be lieing if I said there hasn't been anything going on, but events have become more of a vague blur rather than isolated encounters and happenstances.

Ryuu has grown up, and a few other birthdays have passed in recent days.
I did join the celebrations for one stag; Quad.
Roxas seems to have gotten over some of his... issues... with my presence. In fact, he's taken to dancing under me at random, and didn't evacuate Quad's party when I arrived.
Demyx seems to have calmed down as well, as even he joined in.

Perhaps I've become less... imposing... in their eyes after being demoted. That or they're just "glad" not to have to endure my mission assignments.
I've not seen much of Axel lately. Clearly Marluxia's drowning him in paperwork.
He'll have to learn to get it done faster, if he wants to ever eat ice cream with Roxas again~

Speaking of ice cream, I've found time to start sharing some with Ryuu lately. As an added thought, it turns out he's a berserker as well. This should prove interesting in future days.

Perhaps I'll take a risk at some point and have him accompany me to Twilight Town.
First though is the matter of helping Xemnas get out of here. It's too much of a hassle as it is trying to even convince him to move to a different spot for food. Regardless...


... This world's Lunar Cycle has been thrown off balance this month. Halloween is approaching, and the moon's rapidly returning to a full state for the second time this month.

-----

Day 90
Wolf's Rage

The origional page seems to have been shredded and burned beyond all comprehension, but a later effort had been placed to recollect thoughts and write new notes. There is blood on the new page, along with what seems to be drippings of sweat.

Where does a guy begin?
Gratitude.

Even if I don't have a heart to be grateful with, I can thank you.
Ourania, Ryuu...
If not for you both, I might not have had the clarity to speak to Vexen today. I had been looking for him for the last few days, and today I might have missed the last chance.

And Vexen...
I think at least my bigger problem is resolved. I'll trust your words.
Bold of you to work while I was still in a berserk state.
Three werewolf teeth have been extracted and buried.
Perhaps this would not have been successful if it were not for one hell of a rampage moments before.

Maybe this will put an end to all those individuals telling me I smell like a dog. It does explain a lot.

I'm exausted.
Hope no-one starts running around talking about all this.
Roxas has been spying on us the entire time, though I doubt he understands the situation.

She's still shining...
So pale, so welcoming.
Tonight, she is close enough.
I could reach out and touch her.

Tell her, I want to love her.


But first, I need a heart.

Now, I just need Vexen to properly check up on Xemnas...

-----

Day 88
Weather

Strange, and here I had been getting used to the propetual sunlight.
Yesterday, there had been more than a little moisture in the air, but not enough to cause rain. Instead, I almost felt like I slipped into wonderland.

So... many mushrooms.
I chose to take one as a temporary perch, and later found Roxas to be mirroring me in such... antics.
I think he was... mocking me, really...
I did have some trouble with the one I chose to sit on once the keyblader appeared.
Nearly went berserk after losing my spot and failing to reclaim it a few times in a row.

Today... it's snowing again.
Much heavier than last time.
... Hold on, fawns just started flooding my space...


The writing style changes slightly at this point, indicating a gap of time between sentances.

Now then, where was I?
Right... the snow.
I don't know if I want to just pretend to enjoy the weather... to give in and act like the other nobodies... pretend to have emotions once in a while, or at least try to have fun...
Or if I want to have it all melt under my power.
It brings back too many memories. Some plesant, some more than antagonizing.

... Two more days until the harvest moon.
I need to talk to Vexen.


There's another shift in writing, indicating another small lapse of time.

What's with these FAWNS?
... I seem to have shrunk.

-----

Day 86
Limitation

My patience has reached an end, in regard to some of the natives of this forest. Since when have I been one to care about the opinion of others?
Certainly, if I had remained true to my own chronic advice and the origional rules of the organization this little issue would not even exist.
We are nobodies. We do not exist.
We are not to meddle or interract with natives of worlds, or let them know what we are.
We've all broken this rule.
I suppose it was bound to happen, with us all being trapped in this hell.
This old rule needs to be revisited.

Nobodies are simple creatures, without hearts. Once complex, natural, normal, simplified by our loss. We do not feel emotions; but touching the heart of those who have one generates a bond that may give us a taste of what we've lost.
This destroyed Axel in the past...
Getting too close to a heart.

Essentially it destroyed the rest of us after his sacrifice for Sora's sake.

Is it possable that the same is happening to a number of us, due to all this time among all these native creatures? I've begun to think so.

We don't need any added confusion.
I don't care what the others decide to do. I'll return to the origional law.
Forget the confusion sources, and those of no importance.
But I'll be keeping those I've become allied to.
Those natives I nearly dare to now call friend.
Tusse, Ryuu, Riza, Ourania, perhaps even the Prince of Hearts.
There are others, but I'm running out of space on this page, and spare time to write.

I'd like to call you my friend too, Xemnas.
I've never seen reason to in the past...
Nor have you...
It was always 'superior', 'subordinate', ...
But we're both on the same level now.
Or do you see a better word to use?

P.S.: I've finally managed to slip out of this world and alternatly to Traverse Town and Twilight Town... that's all so far, though.

-----


This page has a few rips and tares across it, but for once is free of blood spots. Some of the rips look almost hesitant, like they were started then stopped in mid motion.

Day 85
Concerns

So much to do, so much to keep concealed. One would have thought losing my position in the organization would have opened some free time. Ironic really, but I suppose that's the side effect of organizing my own 'little' resistance and keeping it under wraps.

I'm technically still on nurse duty for Xemnas, but still getting some rest in for once. Or rather, as much rest as a guy can while keeping both ears out for anything that might come to kill me, or harm the fallen king. Fate can be intresting, how it turns and twists. A month ago I might never have thought this all would have happened.

Something's been bothering me lately. Between the occasional nightmare, and easilly pushed away thoughts in paranoia...

I'll admit something here that I won't even tell Axel or Xemnas...
Maybe I'll talk to Vexen though...

I haven't felt quite myself since that battle with the werewolf.
The rut has much of the blame, but now that it's over...
I've noticed I've become... More aggressive, if that's even possable.

Already being a lunar-effected berserker... If I caught anything from Ren, hell will be raised once the harvest moon hits. It won't be long now either.

I know I shouldn't be reckless, but that might be the best time to take down Marluxia.
Regardless, we need to wait for him to lower his guard.

I've also begun to feel something weird in the Lunar cycle. The 'gods' of this forest seem to be playing with the orbit... If my assumption is correst, halloween's going to be interesting as well.

That noted;
I wonder if Axel needs help with any paperwork. He was never as affluent with such things as myself.
...
Kingdom Hearts... your development has slowed to a near standstill... Is Roxas even doing his job anymore?!

-----

Day 78
Relief

If I had a heart, perhaps I would shed a tear of joy. It seems this rut business has finally come to an end. This is long overdue, just as the realization of Kingdom Hearts glorious restoration remains.

I find myself able to find comfort again dispite the recent situations, now that the foul air has cleared. The stability and clearity of the moon has returned to me, and triumphed over the unfortunate trap of instinct this deer body and setting has been victem to.

Xemnas is slowly recovering from his maximum punishment, but he will never be the same again.
Marluxia seems to enjoy his new found authority too much. How I long to wipe the smirk off his face.
He scoffs when I turn my gaze to the sky, and is prompt to acknowladge the absense of moonlight.

Fool.
This place may be trapped in perpetual sunlight, but I always feel her presance... in all her phases.
Even if she eludes the range of normal eyes, I see her with the eye of the mind.

She will be the judge, of when plans are climaxed.

New plans are being set in motion, but I must keep them in pace. We must not be reckless.
We must bide our time.
Feign alliance with Marluxia, or at least feign submission. It may ware down the patience, but it is important to wait for the right time...
Wait for him to recover...
My Xemnas... I will see you back on your feet, and at my side when plans bare fruit.
As I have always seen you, Axel, and so I continue.

Things seem to be settling now. A relief, just as the end of the rut is.
It shall be interesting to see how long this lasts.

-----

Day Lost
Maximum Punishment

I so long have threatened others with the maximum punishment for irrational and unhelpful behavior... treason, resignations, failing to turn in paperwork...

I never thought the other nobodies were capable of dealing my...
favored method of punishment...
To the superior...

If I had a heart I'd call it funny. It's like he predicted this would happen. He only recently told me I didn't need to call him by that title...
But now... what do I call him but by his actual name?
Perhaps, looking at what's left of him, it would be fitting to call him...

The Broken King.

Just throwing that out there, at least to myself.

I don't know what the future holds now. Somehow Marluxia is taking over the organization...
That was supposed to be MY job. I was supposed to take over, if something happened to Xemnas.

Now, I don't know where I stand.

His mind has rebound into sanity, but he's far from the same. I can't blame him though...
.... Why does my chest hurt?
Must be the cold. Probably getting pneumonia.

I had a sort of nightmare last night...
Marluxia... Axel...
Larxene... Xaldin...
Vivian... Demyx...
Kaoori...

must I continue?

How soon would it be before you'll have me laying dead, or even in The Broken King's condition?
It's weird to think I've been so suddenly placed as more powerful than him...
But then, I always had the alliance of the heartless.
I flooded the castle with them once...

I still have them...
I must find something to fit the bill for maximum punishment for all of them... Or start working to reclaim the ties to every happenstance. Perhaps the'll have to learn that I could easilly be an enemy to be feared.

...

Memory...

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days
It was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was
...Let the memory live again...

-----

Night 71
Overview

It's getting too cold.
Perhaps I match it though.
I crushed her spirit today; told her I only lied to make her feel better.
Tore her emotions into shreds.

I can not feel remorse.
I can be cruel.

I can also cover my rear.

I'll leave it at that.

I still am on good terms with Xaldin, Xigbar, and apparently Demyx is starting to warm up to me...
At least there's them, correct?

... Xemnas...
Our organization has shunk again.
...

...
...

I may not have a heart....
but I think I'd like to be held now.

-----
Fifteenth Entry

Day 71
Just a mess

It's still early. I should really stop writing before things have a chance to either become thrust in the air or pulled under control. Still, something isn't sitting right.
Was it a mistake to let Viv know? I had my reasons, and didn't tell her any of the details...

That girl... she radiates something that results in psuado emotions. I suppose she's the only one that would have so effectively positioned herself to ruin everything. Only she would have been able to trip me into irrationality that only those either with hearts or like Demyx can step into. Perhaps all that has happened recently has simply been too much for a simple creature like a nobody to handle.

I'll confront her later. It may be cruel, but I can save our plans by smashing down what little hint I gave her. If I have to repeat damages done by the superior to erase doubt, it's a good thing I don't have a heart.
It's not like I've ever really been all that kind anyway.

Why did I ever start pretending to be anything else? Just to be around that addicting sense of 'feel' perhaps. As synthetic as it is.
Perhaps I've finally gone off the deep end.

Another idea would be to talk to Namine again. I wonder if she has tested her powers yet?
If she can simply erase or rework certain memories to remove my part, it would save a lot of hell.

I have to revisit the pipe dream theory, if I don't talk to either of them soon. If she opened her mouth, it's high time to begin eliminating potential risk factors again.
That, or finally make an escape.

Are you angry? Do you hate me?
I seem to be loosing alliances this week. If I had a heart, perhaps I'd be upset.

By the way...
It seems have started... snowing.
Finally, something other that the constant sunshine.

One last thought; I hope this rut thing is about to end. It's overstayed it's welcome.
I also hope this recent confusion... this recent madness... is simply a side effect, which will go away once the season passes. I also hope we'll all be able to forget about it. Maybe I'll have Namine blank my own memories...
That could just be the madness talking.
-----

Fourteenth Entry

Day 69
Resolve

Perhaps I've been overthinking the latest turn of events. Perhaps such is simply an old habit.
I'll admit I was confused at first, though more at my own words and reactions than anyone elses.

Now, I don't think I mind so much.
In fact, some of this could be a good thing.
At least, it doesn't seem I run the risk of being torn apart anymore.

Though I seem to have made a number of new enemies, by staying on the superior's side.
Fools. Did I not tell them to never argue with him? Now sides are being clearly taken. This is not going to go over well.

I can't explain my part in all this, it turns out. When pushed for information, I catch myself taking longer to juggle the right amount of truth and falacy to keep all suspicions off, and keep the important details to myself. Then again, I was still trying to figure things out myself at the time. It's likely no issue.

It seems Marluxia has been able to escape this hell of a forest. He comes and goes as he pleases now. If I hadn't needed him to heal and oversee Vivian, I might have mauled him for witholding information. Then again, I'm not exactly in the right condition to maul anyone.

I'll figure a way out.
It seems the magic binding us here has been weakening as hearts are collected.
If that's the case, we'll be out of here soon enough.

It's weird, I actually don't know who to run this theory by.

As a footnote, I won't be surprised if Demyx looses it again soon. Also, the puppet is still missing, and Thirteen is now an enemy to Xemnas. I'll have to talk to him before we loose our best bet at renewing Kingdom Hearts.

-----
Thirteenth Entry

Day 67
Confusion

I should learn to write later in the day. Too much can happen in so little time.

I had been hesitant to complete many lines of thought, but that which I tried to subdue has been verified.
I don't know what I'd do now, if I had a heart.
But I have a mind, and now it's confused.

A revision needs to be made to old plans.
How, I'll figure out. I just know a few absolutes, and now prominant flaws to the origional plans.
I'll have to figure things out, and suggest nessessary changes to him.

I hope they'll be able to forgive a creature that has no heart to be appologetic with. Regardless...

This has been a very long 24 hours.
Fights, foul news, treason, and...

Must I be so fidgety about finishing my thoughts...

I almost suspect something might go right, now...

It's about time, too...

-----

Twelvth Entry

Day 66
BLOOD

The superior has returned...
But... he's attacked Vivian, and now Demyx and Roxas.
I aided him in fighting Kaoori, as well. She was foolish enough to challenge him again.
And I had my commands.
How many have I killed in the past... how many have I turned into heartless and dusks, because the superior ordered so?
I've lost track.
The others have already begun to confront me for not turning against the superior and defending them. However, as difficult as it is, I can't risk opposing him.
Not now,
Not over this.

I want to feel sick. I want to hate myself. I want to regret.
Instead, I stay with the superior.

And obay his commands.

ALL OF YOU, YOU DO NOT FEEL ANGER. DROP THE FACADE.
If any of us feels rage...

Real, true rage...

The kind that makes blood boil in your veins... Turns the world red before your eyes...

It's me.

Axel, I hope you don't try to confront me too. You know I'm doing all I can to keep our parts unseen, and unsuspected.
I hope you understand without being told.

I may not be talking to anyone again for a while.

How I want to be sorry.

Vivian...


This page almost seems to had water damage along with a few drops of blood. Perhaps drops of rain had landed on it.

Everything is falling apart...

I wonder, Superior... if...
No, I won't end the thought.

-----
Eleventh Entry

Day 59
She is unseen

But she's always there. In all her phases, predictable and repetitive.
I can't see her in this constant daytime, but I can feel her presence.

I have no heart, but what I have is hers. That may seem to mean little from a nobody - a nonexistant, but it means more than nothingness.

Her light is restorative. My wounds are healing fast, with her growing full. 24 hours, and her face will be fully turned to we terrestrial beings... or rather, beings without beings.

Hmph... You drive me insane, and I don't believe I mind.
Perhaps it's only the fact I can't see you in all your wonder, that truly brings out the berserk side of me these days.

No matter what your phase is, I know you are never truly changed. You do not betray, nor do you judge. To you, I trust...
Much more than any living thing.

Divine light...
And a Luna Diviner.

"Moon, shine down."

....

Reading over what I just wrote... I almost sound like I have a heart to love with, don't I. Good thing this is at least supposed to be private writing.

I keep thinking I sense the superior around. Guess I don't have to worry about taking over temporarilly now.
Vivian, you're growing all too fast.

I hope you don't fall victem to this rut.

-----
Tenth Entry

Day 57
No Title

This page seems to be partially coated in drops of blood, and rather torn in several places. There is only a minimal effort at writing, or perhaps the author barely had the strengh left to make a decent entry.

Why, Kingdom Hearts...?
Even if the moon could be full every moment of every day...
I'd never be as strong as I could be, until I have back my heart.
Such... is the burden of a nobody.
As long as we are incomplete, we'll never see our true potential.

Where is my heart...

-----
Ninth Entry

Day 53
Paperwork

Hmm... seems I need to watch over these archives a bit better. Natives have been reading it, apparently. A doe, RQ I believe she was called, decided to explain the whole rut thing.
Is it an emotion, or an instinct... or a mentality, to worry about potential circumstances...
All I really know is I need to get out of this curse worthy forest before this rut crap begins. If anyone gets too close to me, I'll just have to rip into them to make a point. As a Nobody, I can't be one to interract much with the natives. It's bad enough to be subject to a certain little blue doe's investigations. She's not the only one anymore, which means potential problems for the organization.

Maybe I'll just lay low and spend that week hiding in the blue bowl. I've found that I can blend in perfectly there.


I guess I really do pass for a blueberry.
...I wish I could hate you all for bringing that to my attention...

I think... I just want to be left alone in the upcoming days. Naturally though, that means EVERYONE will be pestering me about their every splinter and bruise. If they get to be too much... Well, maybe I'll have an orcus under my control before then. Until that time comes, a certain heartless has been prooving himself useful. I'll continue to call on him until a keyblader can finally release the hearts he collects.

Back on the origional line of thought, though... I am somewhat concerned, knowing another full moon is expected in close proximity to the rut.
With Xemnas missing, I'll need to have Axel stay close to knock me to my senses if anything gets... weird.

I wonder how long the superior has to be MIA before I'm considered in charge by default? I know, if something happens to him I'll take over. Kind of the point of being second in command.
But something just bugs me about this dissappearance.

speaking of dissappearances... Xaldin has made a grand return. He's also gone back to his 'anti-love' tyrade.

On to other matters...

It's weird... lately I've actually begun to miss all the paperwork I had become so accustomed to slaving over every night until passing out. I've got about two months worth to catch up on now, if we ever make it back to the castle that never was.
Hmph. I almost look forward to the hand cramps. At least I'll have hands again.

Never thought I'd miss that.

Axel, let me promise you that once we take over and get out of here, I won't abuse you with the paperwork that the superior had for me.

One last thought: The puppet seems to be missing again. Demyx is recovering his sanity. Not sure about the rest.

-----
Eighth Entry

Day 47
Observations

There's something different in the air lately. The native deer seem to be growing increasingly strange... Anxious, perhaps.
Something's about to begin.
But what the heck is it?

I'd probably understand if I weren't formerly a human.
I believe I overheard someone call it a rut.

Somehow, I suspect I'll be pestered beyond my ability to tolerate in the upcoming days.
Though if this whole thing is based more on instinct than emotion, I wonder how the organization is bound to respond.
Without emotions, we're guided by instinct and logic.

I'll see, when that time comes.

Also, I'm watching you Roxas.


-----
XII Entry

Day 42
Job Requirements

Ever since becoming the second in command, I've found odd occasions where I think I'd be glad not to have a heart. Often, there are tasks and assigned behaviors that, if I were different, a somebody, I would never allow for. Instead, I do what I'm told, what I believe I would be told, and still squeeze in time to work my own adgenda.

Things I should hate... should be sickened by...
I've had to hound my best friend toward the end of the past life; act under orders to hunt him down, and deal the maximum punishment.

There's no maximum punishment. I made it up. It's convincing as a coverup, though.

I should hate being so close to someone we origionally planned to eliminate, before we're eliminated. I should hate being no better than his pet.

I should, but I don't know.

Things used to be more clear cut, in the castle that never was. The morning involved picking up the assignments from Xemnas, and passing them out to the other nobodies. Usually, Roxas and the puppet would be on heart collection with whoever fits a situation best, Demyx, Xigbar, and occasionally Axel would get the recon missions, and Xaldin would have general fighting missions.

I'd usually be stuck in the castle, usually working on whatever I'd be directly ordered to. I did have occasional field missions myself, but such was a rarity.

Before becoming the second in command, and before the keybladers joined us, I used to take off for sea salt ice cream with Axel. In that last year, that dissappeared completely, yielding to making sure everyone RTCs and completes their missions, and reporting back to the superior.


That was the basic routine, which usually was disrupted somehow. I can't even recall all the post-mission madness I've observed from the organization. Such things I strictly remained seperate from.

This forest is different. There's far too much spare time, and little existing in the way of assigning tasks. Instead, days are a matter of sitting around, doing recon for the millionth time, and tolerating floods of deer and nobodies, and being mobbed with "Over Friendlies". More recently, there's also been extra effort involved to avoid pushing the superior over the edge, and risking extermination.

Perhaps he was right when he said loyalty is a matter of self preservation.
But what 'self' have we nobodies to preserve? We don't exist. I should hate this existance anyway, but the desire to achieve kingdom hearts is enough to keep me going.
That doesn't seem to count the bonds of memories from the lives of sombodies though.

I have found that it's somewhat theraputic, to find seclusion somewhere and just dance for the moon. Even if I can't see it most of the time. If others want to throw their parties, I do stick around at least for a while now.

It won't kill me any faster than the superior's antlers, if he decides I'm no longer needed.

I should be worried. It seems that has become a possability.
These paranoid thoughts need to go.

-----
Sixth Entry

Day 40
Alliance

I've spoken to the prince of hearts. He really wasn't what I expected, but regardless, I was able to achieve a deal with him.
It seems we have a new alliance, and this one will be useful in achieving our goals.

In exchange for protection of his family, and his coming fawn, he will provide us with hearts for Kingdom Hearts. I still must tell the rest of the organization to obay our deal.

Finally, things are progressing again.
If I had a heart, perhaps I would be thrilled.

The Trickmaster managed to draw the keyblades out of Roxas. It may have taken a while to get that kid back into action, but at least now things can progress at a reasonable pace.
Now, we just need to manipulate the keyblades out of the puppet. Only then will things progress optimally.

It's funny, actually. This time I wasn't involved, though I had intended so pull off something very similar.
The higher numbers paranoia must be rubbing off, but...
No, I'll dismiss such ideas.

Pitiful heartless, go fourth and collect hearts. Multiply, then come to our keybladers, so they can extract more hearts. That is your destiny, creatures of darkness. That is the only way you will effectively serve us.

-----
Fifth Entry

Day 36
Strings

Everything has begun to set into place. The higher ups still seem out of it, but now Demyx has cracked. I suppose I should be 'happy' that Axel and I have been... skipped.

Xemnas seems to be coming back to his senses a little at a time.
Vexen meanwhile needs to be observed better than he has been.

I've begun to string together new ties threw this forest. Different resources which can be trusted, and called upon if needed. Heartless, nobodies, and natives alike.

Our plans are no pipe dream.

While generally I try not to interract with much of the indiginous population, obaying laws from the past life... it's difficult not to, when they come to your attendance in high numbers.

Though many seem to just want to dance.
Others...
Tusse, Vivian...
Your company is treasured.

Kingdom hearts, your light will shine on us again. Your power will be ours.

Axel, we know what we must do soon.


-----
Fourth Entry

Day 31
Sanity

I'm fine. Really.
Actually, somewhat worn out. The moon has begun to wane out of it's full state, and my mind is clear again. My previous concerns are also dissappearing, at least for now.

I remember being accompanied by Tusse last night, and seeing Roxas and Kaoori.
I keep shaking splinters out of my hair. Must have done some damage around the forest in a blind rage.

It's funny to think a nobody like myself can express rage or claim to have it.

... What did I do to my last entry? Regardless, nothing was important on that page.

Stray thoughts aside, I've come to a conclusion as to how to maintain future days. I have work to do, missions to assign, heartless to create and prepare... And battles to fight, personally.

-----
Third Entry

Day 30
Decisions

There seems to have been a legitimate and extensive attempt at writing here, but all text is unreadable. The page itself seems to have been stomped on and mysteriously shredded. It looks like a dog ate it. Barely a few words can be made out at best. At the bottom, only one statement can partially be made out.

"..se control... then ..ome at ... ... everything you have."
-----
Second Entry

Day 29
The Lunar Cycle

It's been three weeks, six days, since arriving in this forest.
I can feel the moon's energy, even though it's been daytime since we've arrived. It's still in orbit, and it's only a day from being full.

It was full when I fell, wasn't it.
Had I a heart, would I be sad? Angery?

How the organization has crumbled in such short time. Xemnas, Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen... Strange how the higher numbers have deteriorated. Xaldin has dissappeared completely, Vexen has fallen ill, Xigbar... well, he seems as paranoid as Xemnas.

As second in command, this is distressing. Following numbers, it won't be long now before something starts to mess with me as well.
I'm around the paranoid few too much. It's rubbing off.


I met a number of deer yesterday, including a summoner named Yuna. Though I couldn't see it, I could feel the moon's presence, and lived up to my title as the Luna Diviner - the Demon dancing under the moon. Yuna and Roxas joined in, though not immediatly near me.

How did I wind up with an audience though?
I'd laugh if I had a heart, but I seem to have picked up a groupie.

The others in the organization began to have a party of sort. I stayed around for a brief time before returning to solitude. It was more a matter of survellience than participation. Xemnas arrived, and I can tell he's still... well, very off. My facade may not be allowed to break again. I can't make any mistakes, or be seen talking to many others, lest everything falls apart.

I may be under a sharp eye for a while, even if the superior acts like he's forgiving.

We're nobodies though. We can not forgive, as we'd need to really know anger in order to.
Why do I try?

I again wonder if our plans are just a pipe dream.

Superior, this paranoid side of you is most unappealing.


-----

First Entry

Day ?

Have I really forgotten how long we've been here, already? Probably should have started writing sooner. It can't have been over a month though. I haven't even seen a full moon yet.

Until recently, nothing worth mentioning has occured. Mainly, it's been a mess between the organization seeming to have lost their minds, and trying to reestablish order. Axel and I have been trying to repair the friendship we lost some time ago, though it seems we'll have to drop it for now.

Axel and I faced off against Sora, Riku, and Kairi last afternoon, though we had to prevent Roxas from fighting as well. We can not risk the kid getting hurt any further; no matter what kind of a pain he is.

We were later joined by Xemnas, though the battle had ended; left to petty shouts across the forest. Demyx, and Xigbar arrived later on, and somehow; threw means I can not comprehend, managed to get Xemnas to join them in acting like fawns (with Roxas, naturally). While I did join the antics, it is more than uncomfortable to act so silly. That's Axel's job.

I am growing very concerned about Xemnas. What runs threw his mind lately, I cannot guess. He's growing nervous, perhaps even paranoid. As a result, Axel and I need to avoid contact for a while, until Xemnas can relax again. It's for the best.

I suppose I have a lot of butt-kissing to get back to.
Our plans can't be put to risk; not so soon after becoming a possibility again.
Don't laugh, Xigbar. I know you read these.