¸¸,.•::Sagrada.María::Personal.Blog::•.,¸¸

HolyMaria's picture
This is all tremendously outdated




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Well I stepped into an avalanche
It covered up my soul;
When I am not this hunchback that you see
I sleep beneath the golden hill

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Idk about you guys but I feel I've been saying since like 2012 “oh this year was terrible but I'm sure next one will be easier” and every year things get worst or more complicated or sad or all that together. Kinda like since David Bowie died? Not sure if it's related to it but why not, the world has turned so insane that it wouldn't completely surprise me.

There was a lot of drama back in 2012, which grew over the years until reaching a climax in 2017. And the climax kinda lasted for two years? What a long climax.
Say climax again. Climax climax.

Last year was probably the hardest of my life, but at the same time I grew up so much, in so many aspects. I feel I became a better version of me, less insecure, more responsible, honest with myself. I noticed I started giving really good advices to my friends, very concise and accurate, very direct.
And I feel it's because a part of my Mother stayed in me when she died. She transferred her wisdom, her patience, experience, and love.

[inserts Lion King's he lives in you scene]

I'm not sure about making public the whole story of how she left.
I feel I don't want it to be so present for me, or accesible to people who might not care about it.
But I do want to say it was completely unexpected, almost accidental, and that I'm grateful I was there. For her mostly, I feel she would have be very anguished if I wasn't. I'm grateful for having had the chance of hold her hand, hug her and tell her I was gonna be ok, that I was gonna take care of all, and continue her legacy.
For having helped her to go peacefully.

I still miss her, of course, I always will.
She was a very loved woman, helped so many animals,
and now she's with all those who departed before her ♥


– takes a breake to cry a bit –


So,
after everything now 2020 hello crazy year wtf I hate you? We've been in quarantine since march 23.
174 days today.
I was a bit ok with it the first month bc I got to rest a lot but then I felt bad for not contributing and started helping in a community dining room of the social organization I work for. So I can go out and stuff but everything is so weird idk I want life to get back to normal or at least something less apocalyptic.

In the midst of all the craziness we moved (again and hopefully for the last time in a while) to a new home.
“We” consist of myself, my partner, and our four animal children. no roomates this time
Four animal children are a big challenge for finding a home in a quarantined city, without much money to afford a big house. It was hard but finally found a really nice place with space for all of us, our plants, and our things.
We moved two weeks ago, our animals are super happy, look:



Taira (the dog)
Kio (the big cat) and Cinza (the small gray)
Salchicha (Cinza's daughter, the calico beast)



So that's it for now I guess.

Ilu all



----------------















(insert things here)









So
As some of you might know, this hasn't been the easiest year for me. Health and finances over all the rest of the aspects that compose my life have been some of the reluctant ever to being solved.
It hasn't been the hardest either, I've had quite a lot of free time, since I've decided to lessen the priority to college, because I wanted to 'do other things' -that ended up being nothing, just me losing time; and also because I didn't have money to study anyway -free college, yes, but no free materials, 3d prints, models and all that expensive things of my career.

And well, it seems that every complain about my jobless life and efforts to change the situation last semester, has decided to pay off this week, which is why I've spent these days inactive and away from the forest and from you guys. But no worries my dearest deers, although I'm inside a tornado of busyness, I'll make myself time to reply emails, rps, finishing gifts and take care of Kio's bussiness. Because otherwise something like this could happen:



x3

Anywho. Projects projects. One huge project ♥ that will change my life forever, and thousands of smallest ones to get there. Some of them are personal, spiritual, private, others are only achievable with the help of my friends.
I love you guys, please be patient, it will be a beautiful moment and I'll love to share it with all of you when the time comes.











Tomorrow is my birthday v.v
I don't want to grow up anymore x.x

I'll see my parents today after almost two years ♥?






GOOD NEWS


After 15 hours in the hospital and a couple of tests more, my doctors -kind, smart and considerate doctors who decided to see me even though I had no appointment, and even though their shift was suppossed to end at 1 pm – concluded that the results did not meant I have to do the radioiodine treatment again.
The answer to my question – Do I have cancer again? - is still confusing. You see, (medical explanation ahead)
the value that appeared elevated on my last tests, and made me think I was sick again, it's an antibody that's produced by the thyroid. Since I have no thyroid, I shouldn't have that antibody either; so keep having it usually means I still have some thyroid-cancerigenous cells hosted somewhere on my body. But I did the treatment last year, and didn't showed anything so, the explanation they gave me was that probably I “still had some cancerigenous cells going around my body that were left since the first time I had cancer”. So, a way of saying it would be no, I don't have cancer again, or at least not more than what I've always had. Weird isn't?
Anyway, of course I asked am I going to die -having to do the treatment -need surgery again – etc- and the answers were no, you're ok, don't worry, it's a normal and common thing to happen to people in your situation, you'll be alright.
Yaay... right?
They also said, and I think I wouldn't have freaked out so much if I have known this before, that they changed the way of meassuring levels, and normal ranges, so last year that value showed 1,50 when the max acceptable was 0,50; now it showed 63 (and you can imagine of course why I was so scared!) but the max acceptable is 30. So, as I understand, last year I had three times more of what I should, instead of now that I only have twice more. Cool, 1/3 cancer less in my body so... yay? Idk
They changed some things on the dosage of the pill I take, and send me repeat the tests in two week, then we'll check some more things and conclude more things and stuff blah. I know it sounds a bit like a rehearse-error method, but the other option would be take a huge dose of radioactive contrastant chemicals to see /if/ I have something.
I truly prefer rehearse-error method better, thank you.
The thing about “having cancerigenous cells going through my body” as something normal is something absolutely unacceptable for me, so both my doctors and I agree I have to look solutions on alternative ways of medicine. I'll be starting an Orthomolecular Medicine Therapy soon to solve this situation once for all. Really, I'm tired, I'll be turning 29 next saturday and I've had to deal with sickness since I was like 7.

It's time to move on now.

It's time to celebrate too


I might be removing all this things because I believe in Sympathetic Magic













Tomorrow morning is very important
Any good energy, vibes prayers, wishes and luck is more than welcomed











Feeling more eased, despite the circunstances; all huge problems and little issues seem to have chosen this precise week to show up.
Yesterday my cat - the Goddess of Chaos and Destruction, yes- threw my glasses off my desk and she broke them. I don't know how, it wasn't such a great height, but that minor mishap made me emotionally collapse and I started crying with so much sorrow and deepness, so much pain; I cried all the things I was going through and didn't allowed myself to cry before. I was angry at my girl and roomate at that moment over silly things, I blame stress for this, I usually caress of any irritability, and when they hear me, they came and calmed me down and talked to me, and I stoped being angry at them.
So yes, little Goddess indeed, iniciator of miracles through her destruction.

Then I slept and watched movies, I read and draw a bit too. In the night, or on the dawn of today actually, I found out I confused the date of my appointment and that I missed it, it wasn't next monday as I thought, it was last tuesday. But I didn't collapsed this time because I'm so exhausted I'm unable to have strong reactions, and also because my life has become so complicated in two days that is tragicomical now really.

Losing an appointment can be very definitive on this situations, where I go it's hard to get one and it may be for one or two more months IF I'm able to get it. So on friday I'll go talk
to them and ask if they can see me, or the tests actually, I don't care if they see /me/ or not; and tell me what the fuck is going on with my body, if I have cancer or not, and if I do what I have to do.

So anyway, I'm a very optimistic dog and what remains for me from these experiences is:

I'll get new glasses.
I'll get the chance to get the appointment and my answers two days earlier.














-------
So.... after a while being a patient, sharing your life with doctors, conceiving hospitals like half of your home, you develope certain habilities.
You become someone stronger, maybe, someone with a higher perspective of things, someone brave perhaps.
I don't know if I'm strong, brave or enlightened, but I do know -
I'm pretty sure of this - I have develope an amazing skill to read my own tests results.
And you know, it doesn't really take a genious to realize that where it says:

AnTg = 63.8 U/ng

when that value should be zero, fuck damn fuck fuck,
my especial hability tells me I'm in troubles.

That means, and I'm so scared to even write this, it could be cancer, or it could be something else. Although last year, when that value was a lot, A LOT, smaller; doctors said gosh girl, go do the treatment because you have cancer again. Then they said yay congrats, you have it no more.

What would they say now? What does this means? When this would end?
Who knows

The treatment is awful awful awful, in so many levels I couldn even start explaining.

And it sucks because, this has nothing to do with the other surgery I was gonna get. This was just rutine testing that supposed to tell me I was still healthy and ok.

I was so not prepared for this, it took me by the worst surprise ever.















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Sometimes I miss the feeling of delegating my health, my nutrition, my roof, in whoever that would be willing to gave it to me.
I miss the sensation of not having to worry for even the smallest things, water, my physical integrity. Do I miss being someone's child? Not really, but
I'm tired and
I want to just, for an hour or maybe two, not having control over things, and just let others to deal with all this succession of demands that compose our lives.
On wich moment of my life I agreed to ride on this endless rollercoaster of debts, ultimatums, deadlines and news, and errands, and this eternal postponing of my wishes over things and more to come? Of this pile of decisions I have to make, of demands my body needs to accomplish, all this nonsense long list of things society wants me to satisfy?
Why do humans even need to produce things gosh let's just eat an apple or whatever and free ourselves from this torture
What my life have become? Everyday I question myself how am I gonna go through this day untill tomorrow, what I'll eat, what I'll feed to those I need to feed, how I'll clean, how I'll live, how I'll pay, how I'll pay, how I'll pay.

I'm already living with the rewards of a wild animal, but the worries of a human. Why?
Why
Why
Why?
Because I believe I'll eventually be able to undust my desires and wishes from under the pile of social expectations and could start living again? Or finally?
Idk really
but I know that it's not time to give up yet. To give up to the possibility of a better existance than this.




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yes, being sick used to be boring now it's just painful

water can heal everything





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I thought I was gonna pass through it harmless and safe but no, it caught me and now I have a terrible flu

being sick is boring and my snout is cold.





I haven't programmed anything else
and I don't feel any different at all.


---



I'll add things in pieces,
if not I'll never update this.
I queue too much.


Today I programmed something using some programming software and
I don't feel any different at all.








I'm drawing a lot











sketching















I'm no longer scared,
just very exhausted.























I'm scared sometimes.

very scared, and anxious.
And sometimes I get angry
and I cry sometimes too.

I'm scared





















---

Cats knows my hands are not a pray, neither the laces in my shoes tails of something they can kill for fun, yet still they spend their entire days acting like they were.
Sublime poets they are, owners of an amazing hability of creating metaphores out of the simplest things.

---


Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from.



Known as:
My name changes a lot. HolyMaría is my musical and graphic signature.I have no middle name, and the name my parents gave me, María owns a sacrality I'm especially fond of. I usually respond to that name, but most of the times I prefer to be nicknamed by my loved ones as they prefer to, so I can create unique emotional instances for everyone of them. That way, I've become a Pudú, a hunted doe, and a river, among other things.

Species:
I carry my existance inside a human body, but I don't feel human at all, and it's ok because I distrust humans a lot. I'm not proud of belonging to that kind.
People around me agree I'm more close to a small herbivorous animal, like a prairie dog or a meerkat.
I'm not able to say what I am though, but I relate myself to something like an alien.plant, a forgotten extraterrestrial deidy, with useless powers for most of those who surround me.


Tambien, muy importante, Perro Entonado Blanco



I empower in order to love
Commanding loyalty
I seal the process of heart
With the overtone tone of radiance
I am guided by the power of endlessness


Gender:
My mind and emotionality belongs to the female kingdom, and I'm very glad of it actually. The human body that holds me is a female body too, although that's not relevant for my conception of this matter. My soul is more close to have a colour than a gender. I feel that most of the tings that compose myself aren't related to this aspect, but some of the most importants ones do are:
The sacred dialectic along with the infallible fractality that composes this universe takes care of always balancing the energy that's around and inside us. Karma order chaos action reaction creation destruction. Patience Strenght Bravery Compassion. Wisdom and Empathy.



La Templanza



Society sometimes makes us forget what we worth.


Age

I'm 35 now I'm old

----I have an old soul, I've lived many times before this time, and I've lived a lot on this particular life. A lot. I've suffered and enjoyed many things, and I'm very satisfied with what I've learned. It takes a lot of suffering to understand happyness, as Kio said once.
----


I am very scared of the passage of time, about the future, and becoming older and -eventually- die. Very, it is a situation that consumes at least one moment of every day of my life. I know it's pointless and I work to control and solve it, but sometimes overcomes me.

But well, I'm not saying nothing new really; "Don't grow up. It's a trap you can never escape from." said the little boy


Alignment:
I give a lot of love, very easily and freely, without much hesitation. I've found out it's very necessary in general on this earth and people seem to appreciate it a lot. I tend to receive daily love back, but not much support when I'm down really. Maybe that's because most people are used to stay in a more superficial or distant stage of warmth but I don't. I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
Extremely Empathic and Patient.
I'm very loyal and discrete, I listen a lot and give advice to many people. I feel I have a gift to connect with others and show them things that might be missing.
I'm very honest.

I'm very insecure too, and shy in some aspects. I'm frequently hesitant about whether people likes me or not, and I'm not able to figure that out because I don't know if things are on my head or not. Besides, I tend to feel attracted to people who doesn't like me.
I'm not very good with myself.
I have a very addictive personality, I've had to tame some of my most hedonists behaviours in pursuit of a balanced life, and I'm in peace with my wild side. Sometimes we flirt with each other, but we know where our limits are.
But still, I'm addicted to gardening, to drawing, to my loved ones, to certain places, to rain, to most of my hobbies, to some parts of my jobs. I have no grays, I enjoy satisfying myself with things, and that might be because I'm always like feeling I'm gonna die soon so I need to have fun before that.
well, anywho... where was I?
Alignment = Holy of course.


♥ Around

to update


Occupation

to add shit


Sometimes I DJ as a hobby, so I need listen to a lot of high music and also,
sometimes I dj as a hobby so I need to listen to a lot of soothing music.
I adore music and sounds, I enjoy some more than others, but I appreciate all kinds of it.
I used to sing when I was young, but after the badass scar I showed you before, I losted that hability, so know I sing just a bit and very quietly to those around, sometimes.
I'm an Industrial Design student, but although I keep being interested on it as a discipline, I don't identify myself with the profession; during the years I've found I have more things against it than not. I don't see myself creating massive comercialization products that keep destroying the world we're living, and contribuing to support an evil economy.
I enjoy working as a Graphic Designer a lot.
I'm also a Reikist level 2
And mostly anything I can, HolyMultiTask.













HolyMaría sometimes is DJ.



listen










listen











Es el manto llanto del cielo











here






















Fever or not,
This is sick - Solid Groove










Still Ill - Smiths










I let music match me




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in another moment
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Los amo y agradezco profundamente el sentir que los tengo around. You'll be always on my heart.





I like rain, wind and blue things, blue is rare.

I lied before, there are things I don't like:
I wouldn't like an animal eat me, or try to.





I have very wild, vivid dreams. My mind has a very complex oneiric architecture, I've been making a map about the place I dream in -(wich I'll add soon)-
This box will contain those dreams I can tell





.. ♥ ♥ ♥ ..
All the oranges and my eternal gratitude goes to Unplugged and Ems for solving what I couldn't // All the credit for this blog goes to them // Codes from Unplugged, Littlesinner and Irethe
You can contact me through lamarialotiene(at)hotmail.com or my Skype, holy..one






I want an orange!

I want an orange!

Sig: Aihnna

OrinocoFlow's picture

mmmm oranges

mmmm oranges
You do not have a soul. You ARE a soul. You have a body.
~ C.S. Lewis
11dollarbills's picture

"if it works, there will be a

"if it works, there will be a lot of oranges here"

Sold! Track. :)
look out, kid.

Unplugged's picture

beautiful beautiful beautiful

beautiful beautiful beautiful
Vala 's picture

Amazing...So track ! ♥

Amazing...So track ! ♥
" ~ Lady in Red ~ "

♥ ♥

HolyMaria's picture

♥ thank you all

♥ thank you all beauties ♥
you'll get the first oranges of the season
Ebony3's picture

*sneaks in* hello!

*sneaks in* hello!
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.
Flyleaf's picture

Beautiful !

Beautiful !
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Evern's picture

Did someone say oranges?

Did someone say oranges?

avatar by sithrim, sig by shey!

SoliloquyChryseis's picture

Hello there

Hello there <3~
Aquilo's picture

8D &hearts;

8D ♥

.
HolyMaria's picture

hello my dear beings welcome

hello my dear beings
welcome ♥
OrinocoFlow's picture

ohhh pretty!

ohhh pretty!
You do not have a soul. You ARE a soul. You have a body.
~ C.S. Lewis
Sighthoundlady's picture

Ah this is so pretty,

Ah this is so pretty, tracking for sure!
AlisonRobin's picture

naranjas

naranjas <3
Unplugged's picture

(No subject)

<3 very interesting to read
hb-k's picture

yes

yes
Ebony3's picture

I liked reading this, you

I liked reading this, you sound like an interesting person
I can also read some of the spainish on here too! A few words at least ^^
Taking Spainsh #2 next year
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.
HolyMaria's picture

Thank you all my dears I'll

Thank you all my dears
I'll add more things very soon I promise
to start something is always the hardest part, and I'm already on my way now
Evern's picture

You're really beautiful and

You're really beautiful and perfect okay? ♥
Also, I love the look of this page!

avatar by sithrim, sig by shey!

HolyMaria's picture

hehe thank you dear &hearts;

hehe thank you dear
♥ we're all gorgeous and surrounded by perfection ♥
DeerUniverse's picture

Surrounded by perfection that

Surrounded by perfection that is imperfection Eye
Tracking! ♥
"Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire

Your art is everything I

Your art is everything
I could look at it all day ♥

Sig: Aihnna

11dollarbills's picture

Can I get you on skype,

Can I get you on skype, sometime? Nothing urgent, just been wanting to have you on there for a while. ♥
Mine is: eleven.dollar.bills
look out, kid.

HolyMaria's picture

everything is perfect the

everything is perfect
the important thing is the perspective of it

ems ♥ thank you, is made with a lot of love and details
I love details

and of course, but this is old.
Sighthoundlady's picture

*tight hugs*

*tight hugs*
Flyleaf's picture

Lots of Nuzzles from me and

Lots of Nuzzles from me and Fly Smiling Exclaim
Stay strong !
We are here for you !
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Unplugged's picture

(No subject)

<3<3 you are one of the strongest and most amazing people i know
i'm sorry i cannot be there much right now but i'm giving you a warm pocket sun covered in feathers and hopeful thoughts, i'm with you mentally
when it's over there will be oranges.
red earth is warm and loves white dog. let me know how things go
OrinocoFlow's picture

I'm going to be praying for

I'm going to be praying for you really hard and you'll be in my thoughts :C if you need to talk or vent you can always hit me up on skype ok <3
You do not have a soul. You ARE a soul. You have a body.
~ C.S. Lewis

I love you and am always here

I love you and am always here for whatever you need ♥ You just poke me on skype!

Sig: Aihnna

Ebony3's picture

Sending thoughts and hugs

Sending thoughts and hugs
<3
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.
AlisonRobin's picture

*nuzzles siempre*

*nuzzles siempre*

may your state go perfect

may your state go perfect soon
i send you loads of light and love
HolyMaria's picture

*hugs the whole group, curls

*hugs the whole group, curls herself surrounded by them*

sigh

I've rested a lot these past two days, and I feel more calmed now; I'm regaining strenght and returning to my balance again, staying focused on the bright side of things, on faith, on chances; and finding comfort on the thought that so much bad karma will eventually mutate into good luck for me -it has to-.

My dear friends, kind, supportive, loving beings, who have left me all this warm messages, send me beautiful emails, the ones that have talked to me over skype, and also those who might silently read my fears and complaints, and doesn't say anything but still send me good thoughts and energy;
saying thank you is not enough to represent how deeply grateful I am for helping me feel accompanied and loved on this hard part of my life; it's a reason to stay positive, to be brave, to smile over the fact that even though we all live separated by thousands of miles, you're all right next to me, helping me to move forward, letting me lean on you when I get tired.
Thank you for your hugs, your nuzzles, your love, your thoughts, prayers, and warm pocket suns.
Thank you for filling a part of my heart with your light.

I love you all
Unplugged's picture

&hearts;&hearts;&hearts;

♥♥♥
Sighthoundlady's picture

Tragicomical. I so, so

Tragicomical.

I so, so deeply understand that word.
HolyMaria's picture

haha It's better than just

haha

It's better than just tragic though
Unplugged's picture

Party!!! We'll be there soon

Party!!! We'll be there soon :b

Very relieved to read this!
DeerUniverse's picture

I think its been very well

I think its been very well implied here that you can be someone who has a lot of challenges in their life, but still manage to shine bright like a star. <3
"Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire
Sighthoundlady's picture

Happy Birthday, sweety!

Happy Birthday, sweety! <3
Ebony3's picture

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday! <3
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.
Flyleaf's picture

I wish you a wonderful

I wish you a wonderful Birthday , sweety Eye
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
HolyMaria's picture

Thank you my dears I had fun

Thank you my dears
I had fun ♥

Brooke: ^^
Flyleaf's picture

Glad to know you are doing

Glad to know you are doing well !!!
Nuzzles , my Friend ♥
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Below's picture

My cousin also has thyroid

My cousin also has thyroid cancer; it keeps coming back every ten years for her.
The concept of magic has always been interesting to me. Do good or bad kinds of magic really exist?
The talk of oranges in this blog is also making me hungry.
Ahtun seems to like sitting next to Kio because she makes him feel better somehow.
wocio's picture

/sits here c:

/sits here

c:
Flyleaf's picture

Hope you are still well !! We

Hope you are still well !!
We did not met for long .
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13

Where are you? How are you?

Where are you? How are you? Missing you
Flyleaf's picture

Yes , where are you ? I miss

Yes , where are you ?
I miss you so much !!
I only wish you the best !!
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Flyleaf's picture

Damn , I miss you so much

Damn , I miss you so much !!
I hope you are doing well .
Sends lots of ♥
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13