July 23rd, 2017

Doing surprisingly well in the unlikely arrangement that's formed between Henna, Gunnarr, and herself. Laying down some tentative ground rules as their custody over the dragonling has advanced, though she's made no secret of them being part of a larger learning curve for all of them - flexible and able to bend for any of their needs. Knows Henna and Gunnarr both carry their past with them in a different way, and can only do her best by regarding both their journeys with as much respect as she is capable.

Shifted said rules to accommodate some recent developments after her second visit back to the forest. Divulged her fondness for a certain spot that held personal meaning to her and, she hoped, may even lessen Gun's apprehension about the general area and her own feeling of needing to restrict his visits to the place. Struck by his presence in that spot the day after, and his faithful attendance to the flower patch in the days to follow, but only came to realize the depth of his attachment when he came home one day on the verge of tears. Learned Henna's favorite flower patch had been trampled due to a fight, and spent the next two days trying to mend the wreckage along with the other female, both emotional and in the Forest. Gained a final sense of just how much responsibility she has, now, and her ability to shape a young mind for better or worse. Somehow, emboldened by the realization. For the first time in memory, finds herself hoping for more and planning little.

Unlikely to express it, but has set additional rules for herself that mostly amount to private promises to both Gunnarr and Henna. Striving toward a high personal benchmark; a standard that only raises as their arrangement looks more and more as if it may be permanent. Aware of certain feelings, and tempted more and more by the urge to lean into the endless support and warmth that Henna represents, but finding it more critical to prove something first, if not to anyone else, then to herself. Knows Henna has come too far and given too much already to risk offering anything less, and wants even more for the Stained to be able to come to her decision with full awareness and no sense of obligation. Regardless, more grateful than she can perhaps express for Henna's aid of both she and Gunnarr, even while she's terrified of her own potential for failing. Slow to accept that mistakes are the one life experience that unites everyone - a lesson that she too often tries to cement in Gunnarr's understanding, but has had a hard time with reconciling in herself.

Taking up some strange hobbies to unwind and therefore help her focus.



April 12th, 2017

After a few weeks of intense stresses and trials both inside and out, trying to build a sense of trust in the Forest again by paying small visits. Distinctly relieved to find less predators about, lately, but their presences still made enough of an impression to have her try and check in on Gunnarr when he comes for his visits.

Managing to compartmentalize pretty well, despite it, no doubt in thanks to time spent with the little boy and Henna's continued accommodation and support of them both. Making herself at home in a routine, with most of the faces she's met in the Endless having been pleasant tokens of encouragement along the way. Very obviously worried for Henna after one encounter, in particular.


January 4th, 2017

Keeping an eye on Gunnarr, but starting to feel more and more assured in regards to his physical health. In better spirits because of it, herself, for whatever other issues she may have. Asked how he was feeling today, and able to believe the answer he gave, offered to take him somewhere to sit (she's so exciting). Brought him to a favored area, not too far from the Ruins though hopefully still distant enough to not have a repeat of last time.

Moved off when Kyrian attacked, bringing him to the best place she could think of and grateful when she realized Kettu was among the beast's attackers. Smiled and let mother and son talk in relative privacy and tried to play look-out even though she's really bad at it and would probably be an even worse guard if it came to it... had Gunnarr sit with her again when Kettu went to check on others. Murmured a few words to the child AND THEN HAD HER TAB CRASH so Gunnarr went back to his tree.

Checked on Kettu a while later. Gave the fox a nervous, but very genuine bow of thanks, not wanting to disturb her, and then went to have a nap near Gunn's tree.


January 3rd, 2017

Stayed near Kettu and Gunnarr last night until Gunnarr went to sleep. Very much had the thought to let the parent and child have their time alone together, but sticking strongly to the conclusion she'd made a while ago that it might send the wrong impression to Gunnarr if she left... though also nervous how it might appear to his mother, too.

Appreciative of every moment Kettu stayed nearby, even after Gunnarr put himself to bed. Moved off when the Kitsune eventually did to one of her preferred sleeping spots. Rose early in the morning to watch the action around the pond, and think.


January 2nd, 2017

Let Gunnarr get a good night's sleep later and shuttled him back to the morning, once Henna had given her gift to the boy. Added on to Henna's words that he wouldn't need her to take him there anymore, and would be able to come and go on his own accord. Still unsure of whether or not she has a place among the duo, and at any rate didn't want Gunnarr to associate his visit to her friend's home with her chaperoning, as an unspoken and private precaution. Went to check on his den with him first thing and seated herself nearby, hoping to encourage him to rest.

Caught the tailend of a distant Kettu coming and going, and paused for some time, unsure of what to possibly say to the boy. Thankfully (although miserably, for her) couldn't come up with anything, and it was enough time to realize that the fox had merely settled a distance not too far away. Approached carefully, all the more with being aware she wasn't able to be careful enough, likely in the way that counted. Quick to bow to Kettu but visibly hesitated after that, unsure of the next move. Breathed again when Kettu acted first, getting close enough to sniff each other and then leading her toward where Gunnarr was resting. Gave quite a few tentative, and likely not totally appropriate, smiles and sat quickly.


January 1st, 2017

Mortified to return to the Forest today, having thought enough on her last visit to know it just went badly. Among reviewing the events of the night before and the possible meanings, finds a bizarre relief in a tentative realization she may be disliked; something she's familiar enough with to provide a foothold on otherwise unknown ground. Knows what to do in that case, and to not to try to deny the fox mother's opinions in that respect, though she could hope for them to change some day. Also, unfortunately, knows the personal effect that particular sensation has on her. At mental and emotional odds, rapidly trying to avoid a specific pattern of thought.

- Instead, as she prefers to do in these situations, wrapping herself in concrete things; a strange but reliable form of comfort over time. Gunnarr was unwell, and she herself was unfitted to play the role of anything but occasional mender or arbiter for the son and mother, if that much. Wouldn't realize or guess at the All-Mother's fears of being replaced and, suffice it to say, lacks the guile or will to do anything so cunning - but even so, there are numerous other areas in which she fails. Enough to occupy her thoughts over the past day and into this one.

Came back with Henna to her home after her last Forest visit, busying herself with making preparations and acquiring needed supplies to ensure things would move along as quickly as possible, just in case. Explained to Henna that she hoped to make the ordeal as stress-free for Gunnarr as possible if it had to happen, and was satisfied with a few suggestions her friend made to make the situation more fun.

Returned to the Forest, paying Gunnarr and his company a visit for a short time and then leaving him to the comfort of his fort while she moved down the pond. Didn't miss the way Kettu's scent coated many of the surrounding nearby trees and landmarks, though has a few guesses as to what the message may be. In a way, heartened to see Kettu has so much fight left in her, much as she believes that in time, when the vixen's fortitude proves true and her own shortcomings become more evident, it won't be needed.

Put on a semi-convincing, she hoped, smile when Gunnarr joined her, and asked if he'd like to go visit Henna for a short time.

Took him back to Henna's and after a small time in indulging in some seasonal memories, quickly set to doing the necessary work to repair his lungs when she confirmed her thoughts. Let Henna take over most of the 'entertainment' later when he was awake; probably wouldn't have done a good job of that even in her best days. Did give him something to keep him occupied until then, and also couldn't resist adding a few personal touches to the other woman's home.

December 29th?, 2016

[insert diary entry here that I somehow fucking deleted about Saadi inadvertently, but basically, stalking Kettu's family and creeping everyone out in an attempt to accomplish a few things...]


December 4th, 2016

i let her stand for thirty seconds and she mooed twice and crashed her own tab.

Spoke with Gunnarr the other night, giving him the apology that she'd been forming ever since the two of them had sat together with his mother (and sister) a week or so again. Explained partially why she had left them alone for a short time that night, having excused herself for a nap at the time. Knew it was more likely that Gunnarr had moved past or thought little of the incident at all, yet, somehow, felt a need to explain anyway, finding something particularly contradictory about her actions.

Felt much better afterward, as antsy as such undertakings make her. Encouraged quite a bit by managing to end the conversation on a positive note and the time she'd had to prepare for it in the first place, leading to a restored confidence and normalcy overall.

Has been quietly resuming her normal routine since, spending days mostly in her own company. Today, found Henna sleeping in a flower patch and joined her friend for a light nap. Moved off for a short time to think, and then went back to join Henna, joined by Gunnarr later. A little uneasy being the only adult awake while a chase was happening nearby, but took reassurance in having caught glimpses of Gunnarr's family while she'd been near the Ruins earlier.


November 25th, 2016

Fettering herself away to remote areas of the Forest to let her mind wander in compensation. Occasionally breaking routine when the impulse is strong, as it is for a special few, but can feel herself cracking apart into an old routine that will lose her many others and herself, in a strange way. Putting it off as best she can but showing the consequences of the internal fight in botched, strained mannerisms and small tells. Ceding in to her thoughts.


November 22nd, 2016

at this rate you'll earn yourself an invisible scrollbox, saadi!

Suppressed the usual urge to rise this morning until long after she'd awoken, finding her limbs strangely heavy and uncooperative. Undeniably better knowing Gunnarr's mother had returned to him, but unable to shake the minor jolts to her own psyche after her tense meeting with the All-Mother. Immersed in a somewhat strenuous and unflinching self-appraisal that is severely crippling her ability to socialize. Feigning it as best as she can; unfortunately, deception and cunning were never her strengths. Exerting great energy, emotional and physical, and retaining a placid exterior through a few trials and events during the day. Did well until Henna arrived and so much of her progress she had made through the day in distancing herself from her issues was shattered through a mere few concerned glances from her friend.

Fastidiously kept herself turned away from the candled doe when invited to sit with her near Gunnarr and Kettu, doing everything in her power to keep her mind, and at times body, occupied. Retired away when the veneer became too much to maintain, knowing that if so much as questioned she was likely to spill into one extreme or another. Returned later, avoiding every soul she came across, seeking scenic comforts.


November 21st, 2016

Slept in spurts, riddled with apprehension over the previous night's events. Woke at one point to regard a familiar face (Ákos) sitting nearby, whose company proved the best distraction for relentless thoughts under the circumstances. Laid still with a lump forming in her throat until falling asleep again, and this time when she woke, knew there was nothing for it. Decided to go on a small walk to gather her thoughts, but not before murmuring a quiet thanks and good-bye to the Singed and checking on a sleeping Gunn.

Enjoyed what would have been a more social day than her usual, if it wasn't spent severely restricting herself mentally in her go-to method of damage control. Managed nothing more than a few stilted check-ins on the dragonling before retiring to a quiet spot.


November 20th, 2016

Returned Gunnarr to the Forest last night after spending a week and a half trying to ascertain and treat his various injuries. Had some of her initial misgivings about taking him from his home quelled by what Henna was able to pass on from her asshole sister, but still aware on some level that there had to be an unknown margin to the child's life about which they had little idea, hinted at by the faux wolf coat Henna had recovered from his tree. Between that and some personal issues, had an incredibly difficult time managing her nerves when around the child alone, and after a small slip-up when first treating him, would inevitably end up panicked through any prolonged encounter with Gunnarr where they were left alone and he wasn't sleeping or sedated.

Kept steady by a few talks with Henna and the boy's rather stalwart nature in itself, and ended up following the other adult's lead for all things non medicinal while taking care of him, usually just floating on the outside of the scene to lend eyes or give (probably unneeded) advice. Gave the go-ahead for an excursion a week in that allowed her to see for herself that he was greatly improved. Gained enough confidence at that juncture to spend time with him outside of her usual routine of keeping him company so he could sleep or checking on his progress, and when his leg was mended and she was sure he was rid of any infection, approached him on her own about when he would like to go back to the Forest. Immediately regretted not letting Henna handle this part when he asked about the monster that might greet him back at home, but stiffly gave the best answers she could think of, and somehow either successfully soothed or bored him into surrendering and saying they could go back.

Mixed feelings about returning, but whatever worries she had for the child's safety were vastly overwhelmed by the happiness to return him to where he belonged, and check on a few of his vital signs in a way she didn't have the natural or technical means to do so in the other form. Watched him dive for his den immediately, and eventually settled beside Henna to converse with the doe until Gunnarr came out of the tree to join them. Keeping him company along with a dozing Henna and trying to decide how to broach a subject that she fears she might not handle that well. Mentally and physically taxed, and besides fretting over what damages may lurk beneath the surface for the dragonling. Likely to monitor him until she can make up her mind on what measures might need to be taken to repair him.

Most of the day went without event, thankfully. At one point supervised Gunnarr on a trip to the pond but it become apparent that whatever ailment had led to the accident a week ago was no longer a concern, and drowning seemed to be the last thing on the child's agenda. Still, hovered quite a bit, and probably made a bigger deal out of the 'trip' than there needed to be, before making one last superfluous suggestion and moving off to a willow tree to gather her thoughts. Aware of Gunnarr joining her just before she succumbed to deep exhaustion and the many sleepless hours of the past weeks - took a light nap and woke later to find Gunnarr had already tucked himself in. Inspired by his apparent confidence, gave him much more space than she had the night before and sat a good ways off to continue her napping.

Started awake by a sudden sensation and jumped to her feet by another creature with a familiar scent investigating her and Gunnarr's tree. Barely had time to open her mouth or approach before the Kitsune bolted off, leaving Saadi's head spinning and an awful feeling in her stomach between realizing what she may have just done and the extreme confusion that resulted. Pulled herself together in time to wake Gunnarr and ask him a few things. Disheartened by his response and what he asked in return, and admitted to where she was fast believing she had faulted. Gave an absent nod when he asked her to keep watch and would, for as long as she could, before eventually giving way to exhaustion again.


November 10th, 2016

Comfortable with death as she is, not bothered to have things die out not long after her last grand social outing, and return to a pleasant lull after the Rut ended. Keeping Varg's offer in mind for a particularly dull day but has been doing some exploring herself, overall keeping sound and well. Spending most of her time in the Forest alone or being visited by Henna. Always touched to be remembered by the Golden in particular, but otherwise content keeping to herself.

Reconnected with a friendly face from the Rut (Orbit) today when she found the doe in a favored spot, but didn't get to enjoy her visit for too long before Henna showed up. Initially smiled to see her friend... then frowned right after when she realized she had what seemed like a dead wet rat draped across her shoulders. Then realized the rat was in fact a tiny drowning victim in severe pain, and when she questioned Henna, learned the child had just fallen in the pond and seemed to have numerous injuries besides.

Shaken when Henna asked if she could help, even when she made a pretty reasonable suggestion, because the thought of taking someone's child without being able to talk to them was pretty upsetting. Eased only slightly when Henna told her he wasn't a total stranger and offered to go back to his little hideout for a few things, and leave something behind in case someone might stop by to check on him. Tended to him as best as she could while waiting, and then her guilt returned a hundredfold when Henna came back with the most adorable little wolf hoodie to wrap the boy in, and she knew there was obviously someone else who cared for him. Let the Fallow scoop the boy back up and then followed her out of Forest for a very sleepless night.


October 2nd

A day or two ago was resting away from the chaos of the Rut and encountered a interesting stranger (Varg). Initial nervousness was quickly set aside when he struck up a conversation. Gladly engaged; even more enthused by some of the topics covered.

The next day spent some time at the Ruins, close enough to watch some of the antics but ostensibly not be pulled into it, not that she would have minded. Did offer a small smile to a doe (Orbit) and the company she seemed to bring (Akos and Quay) - but was more interested in the way she'd seen the Ram stand with the lower half of his body submerged in the freezing pond water earlier, than any event-related motive. Spent most of the encounter staring at Akos's legs. Orbit left after a while and she moved a small ways off herself when she belatedly realized the duo might want privacy.


September 30th

Had a really nice time actually... saw a lot of new faces and was welcomed right away into a herd with a sweet stag and doe. Formed some plans to meander around and check out all the different sights before, perhaps, returning to Sixth's company (- grooming gets you lots of extra points) but while lurking in the next herd, had her attention split between a few brawls and ultimately torn away when Henna bowed out from a spar with Hirouji (WHOM she deemed a winner earlier, but lost because she's not the best at following, sorry Hiro.) Joined a few other judges and I think MIRIAM in welcoming Henna over into their group and spent the rest of the day looking after the Fallow instead - not the worst change of events at all.

In the process ended up being able to participate a little from a distance in evaluating some participants. Getting a better idea of what it's all about.