Of the Chemical Dust

Artwork by Sleepything, sprites by wormwoods! Poem source

november 22nd, 2021

Currently wearing a ghastly pendant composed of a shrunken head and some gemstones. Not her usual style; attempting to draw attention away from it with what look like scarlet poppies, woven around it.

Busying herself - for lack of a better term, and better ways to occupy her hours. Coming into a feeling of loneliness that is heightened by emotions and affections that she's trying to staunch. In that, has been exploring a few resources she'd discovered amid the rut a few months ago - visiting the Doudshest's realm when she gained the bravery to do so, and recently even taken Eska there a few times, after determining it to be safe enough. Also took up a strange doe on an offer, after learning a bit more about who she was and the unique magic in which she's versed.

Relieved to have Astraeus back in the forest and, after a particular incident that had involved Accendare, finding herself less and less eager to stray from her and the few others she trusts the most. Does feel more foolish in this habit when in Accendare's company, especially compared to the so frequently dignified doe, but is at peace even so. Isn't so naive as to think they are either of them fully safe, and is fast to observe any boundaries that she would expect Accendare to have.

Ruminating over a few matters, some of which don't involve her directly at all. The past few days especially have been highlighted by, after growing a little closer to River in the past weeks, the arrival of her and Chrona's newborn daughter, whom she was thrilled to finally meet.

Letting herself rest within the pain that has accrued, and partially incited a violent outcome, several week earlier with Greitai. Becoming most acquainted with the sight of the huntress leaving, the very act of which is something she is determined to nurture, always stretching out the moments until Greitai has made the choice to part for them both. Stifling the expression of any pangs or difficulty she feels during these junctures - though not happy, content with, and open to, how much it hurts. Thoughtful in honoring distances, though they feel ill-fitted, ensuring only that she would not push Greitai any further than she wants.

Visited with Accendare for most of the day, feeling her gratitude for the doe several times over when her friend moved a bit closer, and she was hit suddenly by so much she hasn't said to her. Could nearly feel her throat seizing around empty air all evening, only vaguely aware of presences through the birch trees until one - Isetore - practically came collapsing at their hooves. Steady and neutral faced in the disruption, uncertain by his first remarks and, when Umay came over, and Isetore identified her as one of the attackers.

Almost expected the Obsidian to be out for his blood, though both quieted and grateful in the way Umay seemed to be standing near Accendare in support of the doe if nothing else. Stood by while another sphinx (Sadiki) came with some furious words for the wounded stranger. After trading some words, and, where Set and Kozan's descriptions came up (and the two appeared briefly on the outskirts), ultimately decided to bring the injured creature out of the forest when all the others left, giving one last look of regret to Accendare before going on her way.

september 28th, 2021

probably going to come back and touch on some other things in another entry... for now:

Coping poorly with some of the limited information she'd received from Alighieri about their mutual friend's recent abduction and the culprit. Among several assumptions - all in favor of the stallion - could not help but feel ill with certainties that formed from her last conversation with Astraeus. Exchanged what pleasantries they could find for each other, in her own case fretting that Alighieri would wear himself down chasing peril, believing that Astraeus would benefit much more from Alighieri's light at its fullest strength if he managed to return.

Today, found some pleasantness with a visit from an adolescent - Olga - whom she'd met during the rut, and has found to be a sweet and enjoyable source of company consistently. Curled up at Neira's side after beneath her grandmother's trees, quieted by the juvenile's demeanor and contemplating a few notions for herself.

september 4th, 2021

Returned to the Forest a few days after being brought away with the Doudshest, seemingly free of harm save for a few new bruises. Spoke with Rossamund early into her arrival, taking close note of the Fae's concern. Schooled what she could of her reaction, but tried to turn it into a lesson for him - doing her best to channel Éasca's patience with explaining her stance, though remained all too aware how much sympathy she was inclined to have for the male, and couldn't help laying the groundwork for something she hoped would instill a sliver of credibility in her, in his eyes.

Was also checked in on by Astraeus not long after, which left her immensely comforted, for both his concern prior, but also the potential he seemed to estimate in her. Exceedingly fond of Astraeus in general, which became apparent when the Voidwalker disappeared for a few weeks, in which time, among other fluctuating relationships, she became resigned to the continuous pattern of connecting strongly to others, to just learning the beginning of their troubles and emotions, to lose them not long after.

Overjoyed through each time Nat-Nat has appeared in the forest, and more often than not finds herself, Éasca, or Greitai to lounge about with them. Felt privileged to be able to be there while the huntress brought Vrasa to the sleeping doe, introducing her to her daughter as family. Felt somewhat conflicted the next morning due to some thoughts she'd been keeping to herself, but left Greitai with some flowers (tacitly given by Salem the night before) and went to bask by the Idol after a bath. Approached by Umay as she did, which she had thought was likely and did not shy from her embrace, or from the fallout, due to Greitai's lingering feelings of mistrust in the Scorpion, some of which were mirrored in UY.

Well aware of what she believes she is, and isn't, to the feline, especially after the Scorpion saw it appropriate to leave her stranded in a conversation with Greitai - one she'd hope would shed some illumination for both predators, if their friendship was to be tenable. Put a great deal of trust in the lioness which, at the time, she felt was well-founded as Umay indicated for her to follow to Greitai. Felt her respect for Umay double and rebound, ignoring her own instincts due to wanting to believe in the solidity of the lioness, only to have Umay dash it all apart before she then left her and Greitai alone.

Frustrated mostly because she found the raptor's question, the one that had caused Umay to leave, to be something solid. Something UY could have built a bridge from - though she did not begrudge the Scorpion her right to leave, the words she chose to give at the last minute casting a dark cloud over everything done prior. All of which set the pattern for some continued conflict over the feline and a few others in the weeks to pass, though she welcomed the opportunity to level with Greitai over a few related subjects and privately, at the same time relinquishing her ability to trust others so freely anymore. Undecided in her own personal feelings, though retains that it is difficult not to like the Scorpion when she's at her highest, or feel the urge to prostrate herself similarly when Umay is at a low.

Feeling an unexpected relief, thanks greatly to Éasca and Greitai, though not forgetting how in a way an entire hemisphere is shifting and resettling beneath them, ever wanting to pull others closer in it. Glad to still be in circuit with acquaintances who have stayed around, and missing badly the friends that she'd let too close not to feel their absences. Allowing herself time to assuage these feelings in what has become a tired routine. After the past months of putting faith in various individuals, finally taking the worth of her own opinion more seriously and much more likely to act in accordance with her own intuition, even if it requires quietly revolting against those she values.

Further sanctified by some simplified comments or looks from individuals in more recent weeks following an almost expected confrontation, though one that left Rossamund grievously harmed at the doing of the huntress. Tight-lipped over the results of the aftermath, even in personal effects it's had on her, though liberal still with information she thinks can be useful. Cold, particularly, to one individual - Saro - who had in curtailed every effort UY had tried to make in bringing things into a secure conclusion.

Less than ecstatic when a distressed Umay seemed to seek her out one day with the Hare in tow, along with a nearby Gareth (whom, at first, she didn't think anything of). Off a clue from Saro, found out what had been bothering the lioness. Spared few words to Saro in the process, having seen enough within the Rabbit's facade that she had to forcibly break her gaze from any tendency to feel gratitude. Has not known one individual whose compassion or morality improved upon stepping into the Endless, and regards Saro on this metric to a dangerous degree. Found it curious, still, to spend time with a creature she knew to be hot-tempered and cruel, and feel no compulsion to assuage them while they were in a mostly harmless form. Tolerated her company briefly before going, inevitably, off to try and help the situation in the way that she was certain would make the most sense.

Ended up gifting one of the flowers Gareth had given her to another youth (Kyoyuu) that night, amusing herself with the situation. Also came to know Kerosene a little more, though not quite realizing their familial ties that early. Quickly came to appreciate several aspects of the Hearth, whose demeanor struck her deeply in small gestures.

Extremely grateful for both Naida and Accendare's friendships as well, and has kept herself open to the significance she finds in both females. Narrowly escaped losing both their friendships over the past month, most recently with Accendare today.

Left to stew in some regrets after a quiet redress she'd been given, following some of Greitai's transferred aggressions on Braith, whom UY had failed to remember was a tie to Dare. Ended up seeking Accendare after, where the doe had sought out Greitai to deliver a similarly toned message, and after hovering a bit to make sure she wasn't interrupting a conversation between the two, took up at Accendare's other side only to let her eyes avert from the doe's stare. In the hopes of saving something genuine, to press herself further into personal accountability.

Remains keeping a distanced care for Astraeus too, for all the cautions she's taking, not once intending to ever leave him feeling alone if she would think it possible to achieve otherwise. Extending something of this same limited tenderness to Umay, as well, but also watching how matters play out between her and Greitai. Encouraged by some recent gestures made, especially in the heat expected from Rossamund's avengers, and though her priorities are different to Greitai, also looking to see if she can trust the Scorpion through it all. Also glad to see a welcome face returned, in the form of Lee, the medic who had helped her variously years ago.

After some positive turns of events out of the Endless, many thanks to Éasca's work as well as a couple friends, able to have a brief break from the Endless recently. Found herself disinclined to do anything novel with it, besides relish the chance to be close with Éasca and, in some instances, Greitai, which in the latter's case, is also to be close to the huntress's anger. Softly addressing and guarding what strides she feels have been taken, and in a way glad for the timely chaos and confusion of the rut that make her own mirrored feelings seem that much more plausible.

After a long night with Greitai, ending among her and her family, still found herself restless and carried by her thoughts along the hills in the First Forest. Glad to be found by Astraeus and was brought into conversation with the serpent. Confessed to something she hadn't imagined herself trusting to almost anyone else, hopeful of what results it may bring. Later stopped by the pond where she was tempted with an offer that occupied her mind for half the evening to follow, until some time with Greitai and Éasca eclipsed the rest of the night.

july 31st, 2021

Witnessed a seeming fallout between Umay and Greitai, brought to a nearly lethal culmination of events. Her reunion with Accendare to be cruelly centered in the middle of surrounding tensions, watching Plague nervously, amid the clashing of the Scorpion and the huntress nearby. Tried her best to keep conscious of Accendare through it, both her safety and emotional state, but once the deadly fight finally broke apart, bothered by the fact that she'd last seen Accendare at its outskirts, when Plague had been lurking about as well. Couldn't stomach leaving the huntress with critical injuries, but in trade, spent the following weeks troubled over not having seen Accendare since that night.

Shared a few words with Greitai over the Scorpion before the seriousness of her focus shifted, into an outpour of concern to the huntress's well-being. In it, endeavored to work just as fearlessly as she'd seen the huntress in pressing for some sort of resolution, though through far different style. Brought her out of forest to administer to their injuries and speak a little more on related matters.

Only troubled by some aspects that left her pensive when a doe from the past (Nat-Nat), and more familiar face (Rossamund), both became present concerns. Hesitated at the corner of their interactions until she was able to clarify how the huntress would see it. Satisfied with the outcome, and quietly relished the shared respites that followed over the week - came to adore the unknown doe in varied quantities in her favored flowerbed, often waking to find the ghostly visitor had rearranged to be closer to herself or Éasca. Most of all, the notable ease it brought to Greitai making UY wish that the doe would never leave, and doleful in the unavoidable loss.

Many of her happiest moments, otherwise, spent with her daughters and grown charges - Sigel's and Neira's (whose names I do keep combining into Nigel) active presences in the Endless embraced, warmly. Even Rin and Xxabrielle as well, keeping a very specific lookout for Rin's rests in the forest, though always careful and trying not to stay so long as to keep Rin from other company, worrying her adoration for her father might be overbearing on the child who reminds her the most of Talteis. Missed Neira's harassing of Naida altogether, unaware how badly shaken the doe must've been by the encounter, and for the time being, very much under the impression she had went to visit other friends after spending some time in her company the other night.

Reaching out artfully, frequently trying to get draw others into gatherings or otherwise, more thoughtful in these attempts than she lets on. Taking it as her prerogative to save more social maneuvers for when she is in her best spirits and mindset. Astra, the creature she was convinced she and Vrasa had watched perish weeks ago, remains an outlier between polite and familiar; despite herself, enjoying a relationship that falls short of friendship. Returning into an old established rhythm within her solitude, restless and needing moments to gather her thoughts, as well as being more outgoing, trying to engage unfamiliar faces with varied motives in mind.

Considering Umay on a weighted scale after her brawl with Greitai, taking note that the lioness had not so much as looked at her once since then. Spoiled with the warmth of Umay's acknowledgements in the past and found a stark contrast when the feline drew her merriment with another individual close to her. Found the extra venom in the gesture when she realized just who the fiend was, and her staring too easily caught his attention in turn (Virus). Left, though perhaps not quickly enough to avoid a meeting with him.

Approached by Virus with Éasca a few mornings after, walking willingly into the male's vicinity after some recent worries. Exchanged a few words before starting to part ways, more than aware this was suspension and not circumvention. Warded her thoughts from her features as much as she was able while in his presence, though Éasca made her disdain slightly plainer, however buried in soft and gentle tones. Emboldened by the pale doe's bravery as always, spent the day gladly allowing herself to feel giddy and enamored for a bit in Éasca's company, as well as glad when Greitai chose to join particularly due to what else lurked in the fog. Even more with what Greitai was determined to say, caught into emotions that she had spiraled into a few months earlier, though contained much of it following Greitai's cues. Assumed the huntress wanted space following her choice to leave that night, and noted further, that she did not come visit on a subsequent trip. Spent a few days quietly given the emotional week, only venturing out to seek Astra at one point.

Slipped out the other day from a solitude that had built up a thick and stale coating, perceptions dulled to any surrounding chaos in the Forest, to join Astra in the quiet of the Ruins. Barely had a moment to notice he seemed off when Umay came charging in, picking up from a skirmish that had been discontinued not long before, as she would find out. It quickly revealed to involve another (Phobos) who seemed to be backing up Astra, and was hopeful to break it up quick as possible, for both Astra and Umay, fearing a particular result, and distantly grateful that those who occasionally joined seemed to fight on each side keeping it mostly fair. With Astra seeming to be without the mind to keep it going, ended up with her attention on Umay for the first time in weeks, trying to get between others on instinct when she felt they did not see the potential for peace in moments where the lioness recoiled from her outlash. Appreciative where Phobos made an offer, though unenchanted by the constant bringing of violence before violence.

That it did backfire was hardly a comfort, either.

Somehow finding herself on the Ruin's hill after, shared some words with Astra when he approached, that both humored and endeared her. Agreed to split to check on others, and given pause by him promising to come back if all was well, genuinely not expecting that consideration or support. Agreed to do the same, and knew her path would likely bring her trailing after the lioness and her kin, wherever they had disappeared, if she could ever convince her legs to move. Perhaps fortunately, didn't make it off the hill when she felt eyes on her.

Recognized the Doudshest, and that the lack of usual violence and bloodshed accompanying its visit was rare. Became loose-limbed in its vicinity, taking a frivolous distance, while well aware of how it could not seem to settle on an approach. Careful to keep it striving between two extremes, though aware of how it tended toward nearness after some ominous play, that was far from comfortable. Noticed by a vigilant Rossamund, and was frustrated more with herself than him when he got it in his mind to help. Watched morosely as, briefly, the horse's closeness and antics fell onto him, while a part of her wondered if he didn't deserve it. Though exhausted and cautious, took pity on the myling, either because Ross was clearly terrified, or her impression of him combined with the other day. Vied to keep the horse's attention, and was easily able to reclaim it where it had deviated briefly to nosing at Rossamund. Ventured off, the horse lockstep with her, and reluctantly, with Ross as well.

With no specific direction in mind, did hope to lead them to Jae; felt able to rely on the Amnulan's sensibilities in a way she still found extremely rare in this forest. The horse's presence grew oppressive long before they could reach their destination however, and when she had no more will to lead them, she endeavored instead to get Rossamund to quit his chaperoning. Mocking him halfheartedly, offered only an unimpressed front when he hesitated, blinking away his sentiment of not wanting her to get hurt - both as empty and useless to her as any flattery would be in that moment. Equally, refused his idea of a solution that she was certain would bring violence on allies or loved ones whom she was eager to let rest - already aware that Sigel was close, his presence encumbered by words Greitai had once fired at Éasca, and that her absence had drawn Astra to check in as well.

Became much more headlong specifically when Sigel approached, and did not welcome his attempts to come between them. Steeled herself against the sub-adult's obvious discomfort with leaving her, and sent Rossamund away as well, though he still hovered nearby. Appraised the gargantuan spectre calmly for a moment before she began to lead it near an ally she felt would be less volatile - Jae or even Astra, anywhere far enough, but intercepted rather gently with blunt teeth at her shoulder. Nearly relieved when the Doudshest brought them both out of the Endless, where too much hung in the balance.

june 9th, 2021

Staying in the Endless more than usual, while Éasca is occupied in other worlds, accomplishing what she cannot. Entirely grateful for Haze and her reliability on some very important matters, even while they're apart, but, predictably, has only become less comfortable with solitude, in particular solitude without Éasca. Focusing on tasks that she can achieve in her more isolated moments, and spent trying to stave off feelings of disquiet that are particularly noxious as of late.

Even with Greitai, giving a certain berth to the raptor, though unhesitating in offering proven reliefs and the comforts they bring. Stringently observing limits that Greitai is giving, whether the predator knows it or may scorn her for it. As equally given to lead to feelings of her own triviality and aversion in the huntress's eyes, as much as evoking a sense of something else.

In a round of fatal violence the other night, coming to be aware of a tragic commonality in so many individuals she has come to care about in the Endless. Entombed with a deep desperation at the bravery of those who do not believe they are worth more, who are unable to find any reason to survive cruelty instead of succumbing to it on their terms. Enhanced by Accendare's spurning of UY's attempts to intercede up until her final moments, by the familiar faces who didn't try, and the few who did.

Feels a greater impact of Accendare's loss with each hour accrued after her death, even more so in this - the calm and normalcy of the Forest later - than when she first learned about it through the good will of a Samaritan (Mansu). Has been unable to bring herself to leave the visual vicinity of her friend's grave just as much as she feels uncomfortable encroaching on it for too long. A sense of flightiness and requisite delicacy as she struggles to find headway in the quiet. Feels choked, at times, by how important she wants to be and how important she wants Accendare's death to be and the way in which reality falls short of this.

october 5th, 2020

Found the rut to exceed every standard, good or bad, set upon it by previous years. Glad, more often than not, for opportunities both private and social that it offered, while scorning a few encounters and the impact on those she holds dear, whether directly caused by the rut or just exacerbated by the surrounding noise. Enthusiastic in furthering what opportunities have been made in compensation, both by this and a few other means.

Comforts in beginning the day with Verve, Ephiré, and Éasca nearby offset by later rousing of the predator Braam and some of the aftermath. Checked on Anpiel, suppressing her issues with some recent behavior to help with his injuries, doing well only until he made reference to said events as she'd started to depart but, feeling daunted by what it would require from her to guide him through that conversation, agreed it was to be discussed another day. Broken out of the past few days of spiraling through some silent aspirations and fragility, oddly enough availed in a moment with a severe-faced youth (Munkwon) who came to her with concerns about mutual ties, extremely impressed by it. Glad to be given the chance to air some thoughts not only to her, but to Aleta, Éasca, and Phyrra, a precious tie she's recently been enjoying getting to know along with her companions, and had been given the scare of her lifetime by Greitai just earlier. Felt the most guilt in regard to Phyrra, and hoped her last words spoken to the group would stress that she understood any distance the doe, or anyone, might prefer to take from her or the advice she could give.

Contained much to herself in some of the havoc to unfold after, due to a slightly frustrated insight formed under certain events in past weeks spent with the raptoress and Éasca, but somewhat leveled out and clearheaded in time spent in the aftermath. Made peace with a check in on Nélida, and a quality noted in Aleta, time spent with the latter and a softly fussing Éasca. Later went to see that an injured Anpiel had been found by someone trustworthy, despite reservations lingering from earlier on, and reunited with Vrasa. Returned to Éasca, after, eager for her insight.

september 7th, 2020

A span of months in which she's come to be familiar with many forms of teeth snapping after her, and the sort of days that make them feel like a kindness.

Attempting to tell herself she expected the shriveling of many valued bonds made in the earlier part of the year, but still at times, hit by them as a collective impact that represents a sense of passing time. No longer sure if she's regretting the absences of others, or her own failure to keep herself inured against what lies beyond her control. For this and some other reasons, one spurred by an aspect of morality she's noted in Éasca, considering becoming harsher with her heart, and that is frightening.

Calmly overlooking where she's allowed certain connections to lapse and focusing more on relations she either feels she can repay, or those whom she doesn't expect to owe.

Dearly holding on to certain outlets- finding reprieve in private moments, most commonly with Éasca and, often, by the grace of a certain raptor.

Made a trip back to Amnula with Éasca to share and report vital findings, and venturing something that may most safely be put to use in this Forest. As often with these trips, amassed several new matters of interest. Heartened by frequent glimpses of her daughters and their lives in the Endless, as well as the reemergence of some Amnulan ties.

march 17thth, 2020

(this sure would have made sense as two diary entries...)

Remaining lenient after a confrontation with Greitai an attempt to give the raptor the very words would which may begin a process of closure for herself. Playing in whatever margins have been left by the raptor neglecting to do so, whether a deliberate choice or merely something Greitai hasn't thought much of. Keeps her conflict to herself and has been spending time trying to navigate around the raptor's terms with those of her own kept close to her chest.

Ended up bringing Vrasa back to the flat she and Éasca share in another realm, after a particularly difficult night, at Greitai's request. Glad to be able to see the girl patched up and out of harm's way firsthand, only feeling a parallel dread over no such certainty of Greitai's whereabouts or well-being in the days to follow.

Spent the down time spent trying to take care of Éasca, who had been taking care of everyone else, though checked in to the forest each day after bringing Vrasa back in case the girl hadn't found her way home.

Along with Éasca, attempting to slowly replenish Pagan's medical stores and amassing some ideas of things they can possibly add, or might need to attain. Though she's convinced Éasca has no expectations past a loud normalcy that has been unfolding, clinging to a feeling shared with the other woman a few weeks ago and still aspires to better things for them both in a certain way.

Received the attention of Ephiré and his intriguing companions (Verve and Thais) during a check-in with Vrasa, introductions made thanks to the girl and, after, enlightened to the events that had occurred between the raptors, Rossamund, Plague, and Chitz the night before. An utter relief when she finally saw Greitai a few days later and that she had had her injuries seen to and Vrasa back under her wing, a sense of fortune convening out the simple fact that the raptoress had used the chance to pull herself back up and not fester as many others would.

Coming to enjoy a sense of peace brought through regular ties -Crescent, Maddox, Lee, Andras, Starsets, and Carmine, and some more recently discovered (Vrath, Rye, Utu, Gair, Anpiel, and Weasel). Especially sympathetic as Maddox dealt with some tensions among her personal ties, and each effort she had to make to try and smooth things over - though completely respected the doe's desire to repair things for the others.

Braam, meanwhile, is becoming more of a problem, especially given his recent focus on Éasca. Grew more and more overwhelmed during his most recent attack and if it hadn't been for a desire to watch over Ember while she rested, and Anpiel's presence, unsure what she would have done as Braam's aggression drew toward Maddox, Carmine, and Éasca in turns.

Dismayed by the toxic effect Braam's spines had on Maddox and Carmine, and a few days later, the separate state of peril that had fallen on Lee. Stayed nearby after she and Éasca were greeted and led over by Carmine, just as ready and hopeful as the others to do anything they could to offer aid, though equally worried that finding aid wasn't the real issue.

Sensitive to a general unease felt by Éasca throughout the day, so wasn't too surprised when Haze excused herself after a time spent in the area which had amassed a decent crowd. Was a little surprised to see that she ended up retreating to Greitai and her nest nearby, however. Felt the need to spend a little longer to ascertain more knowledge about Lee's condition, particularly when Crescent also came by to pay a visit, though dearly hoped to join the females afterward. Left when others in the area dispersed to watch a nearby fight, merely keeping off to the sides and trying to keep track of apparent alliances or conflicts. In this came to be aware of some ripples in the fragile peace that had seemed to form from Chitz's recent conversation with Greitai - coming to a head as a chase broke out, followed by some charges and blows.

Attempts to follow up with a rattled Greitai were rocky initially, and at one point readied herself to try and quell tensions between Grei and a well-meaning Sabbath, but the need was anticipated and negated by Honeythorn placing herself between her and Greitai, and the Ophidian. Couldn't express the appreciation she felt in that moment so settled for a grateful look to Thorn before using the opening to follow Grei. Watched as someone she vaguely recognized (Devani) spoke with the raptoress first, Greitai eventually warding her off and attempting the same with her.

Ended up negotiating something... with Greitai... and went to bring Easca over to join them. Doesn't intend on overusing the ground gained (literally) but very much glad for the comfort while it lasted.

Glad to see Lee up and moving today, checked in with Maddox and a visit with Gair and Éasca after.

february 11th, 2020

Unwittingly compromised her and Easca's relationship with Greitai. Reprimanding herself for certain indiscretions in that night and in several instances preceding and following. Some related hostilities from the raptoress one night amidst an attack from the creature who had mauled Greitai and Easca a week earlier ('Brother'). Sought Greitai out the next night to attempt to obtain a sense of closure; only managed to deliver an apology and request to the raptor thanks to Sky-Sight's intervention.

Careful and overly aware of how outsiders might influence things, has been shifting between a guarded manner and breezy frivolity when she does engage at all. Allowing herself quiet. Forthright to Easca only, grateful for even the moments of resigned melancholy in the other doe, which serves to ground her and also further draw any attention of well-meaning friends.

Enjoying the frequent companies of Maddox, Starsets, and a growing familiarity with more distant faces (Andras, Ephire, Crescent, Dappled) and fawns. Especially tender-hearted toward Maddox's efforts, despite an accompanying sense of sadness that often attends their interactions - more a result of circumstances than anything specific to the glimmering doe herself. And in regards to Ember, quickly becoming endeared to the doe and her enticing aura of intelligence and sensitivity. Feels a fondness even for her frequent stag companion (Carmine), finding something refreshingly frank about what she's observed and content to have known little of that directness for herself so far despite his obvious readiness to engage with the world when needed.

Loops and circles. Gaining a confidence through the semblance of a regular social group but with it a disparate sense of loss. Recent run ins with some fearful beasts ('Brother', Braam), and turning her mind onto other responsibilities.

january 31st, 2020

Woke up with a few worries having matured themselves in her head overnight - slept much of the morning away in an attempt waylay their chiding. Spent some quiet time with Éasca, and then left to make some preparations, well aware of the sizable room she's leaving for herself to forestall things by thus far only committing in menial gesture and not thought or word.

Returned to the aftermath of something odd (actually many odd things), specifically 'something wrong' as Greitai would eventually describe it. Put her curiosity aside for the time and did her best to clean Greitai's injuries along with Éasca while they had hold of the raptor's patience, though morose when they reached a point where Haze concluded there wasn't much more they could do here and now. Frustrated slightly by hitting yet another wall, was given pause by the raptoress turning her sights on Éasca and her injuries. Unsure of her seriousness but after noting Éasca's comfort level, had no qualms with encouraging it.

Reflective over an aspect of Greitai's behavior, but held from her usual impulse to cajole and assuage, reminding herself of what she felt had cost her her friendship with the raptor years ago. Conveyed what she could in the manner that felt most comfortable and felt an immense relief at the congenial note on which the night ended, feeling it was owed to both females at the very least.

january 29th, 2020

Finding it strangely disconcerting to be the only descendant from Amnula sighted recently, sparing her daughters and some individuals whom she'd assumed to be the starred bull's offspring. With never having known a life without dodging Takato's presence or stressing over Bane, or her home herd, finding she's suddenly free to explore the lonesomeness she'd never once thought she'd have, though to say it's been entirely good or bad is to simplify the thing too much.

Valuing the time and leniency, and with a certain doe's help, finding more meaning out of the quiet than she'd ever hoped to, to say nothing of the freedoms. Taken with the recent opportunity to meet Yazul and Etomo, two of Fenrir and Jörnburnd's children, reassured by the wolf that he was only preparing her for their eventual united attack as a family. Incredibly happy about this, despite some conflicting realizations that she'd try to keep to the back of the mind for now.

Reconnected with Greitai over an unexpected run-in nearly a month ago, when the raptor had caught the wrath of three others. Attempted to do what she could to zone the brawl, filled with a sinking despair when she realized the males involved (Plague and Ramsus) seemed to be swapping in for the doe ('Chitz'), and her hopes for a dubiously fair fight were trampled among other things. More grateful than she was able to express for the ones who didn't throw their antlers and teeth in, one stranger's neutrality at a crucial moment (Ephire), and a check-in from another (Maddox). Didn't have the presence of mind to greet them at the time, or acknowledge some concerns from Sabbath and Ingólfr. In the latter's case, especially wary of altering his relationship with Nélida in any way. Expressed as much and was heavily grateful when the mercenary implied he'd keep an eye out and his mind open.

Surprised by her following acknowledgement by the raptoress but incredibly grateful to be counted as a presence by her again. Careful to expect nothing. At the same time, endeared by certain efforts made by both Éasca and Greitai toward each other, one on a snow-filled night that uplifted her spirits by a lot and something Greitai said a few days later among other valued highlights.

Met the raptor-child Vrasa, and properly reunited with Pagan (in between constant visits to slip supplies out of her stash). Becoming acquainted with the feeling of gratitude for every story she hears about her daughters from their friends or guardian-figures, and much more a sense of admiration for the girls themselves no matter the space she's been careful to honor since her return.

And still- finding it ever more difficult to tolerate being alone with her thoughts lately, seeking out new faces, familiar company, or easy distraction with a desperation she tries to conceal. Misses Mirah, and some other faces that had once been like fixtures to her in the Endless. Met an expecting mother (Lasair), Kaoori (through an attack by Jericho) and Maddox (properly) in the past weeks, and a few more new faces through unfortunate circumstance ('Lee' and Sidi).

Grim regarding some events from this morning. Favoring her leg heavily, knowing she's overdue to check-in soon, but has been leery to try to make the journey back to Amnula with the healing limb.

december 28th, 2019

Finding it pathetic and recursive that she's returned to the Endless in much the way she had arrived years ago: wide-eyed with a half formed plan, realizing a serious oversight too late.

Had something happen outside of the Forest that caused her to come to question her self-worth in a few ways, despite dismissal of the whole thing from her peers. Has come to a conclusion about some of her ties that she's been unable to shut out despite better reasoning. Unused to the chip in her confidence and has been keeping a steady face, self-counseling and taking quiet moments that are never directly acknowledged.

Feeling her age, or lack thereof, deeply, yet tightly constrained by the future which feels to be hanging over her head.

october 7th, 2019

Spent her first night back in the Endless tending to Éasca's wounds with a sort of rote purposefulness, trying to drive off the lingering, sick swell of panic and her partner's apology. Grateful for Aramantha's assistance during Brent's attack and what she probably doesn't realize to be check-ins from the mare in the days the follow. Considers Brent's particular brand of destruction to be chaotic and blind - his actions toward Éasca felt senseless, which doesn't make them any easier to cope with, but doesn't consider them to be in any more or less in danger than they ever were, in the company of monstrous stags and their demons. That said, has been extremely careful of attracting his attention again in any major way since the incident which seems to have been enough so far.

Reacquainted herself with Pagan's personal medicine stash; not her first choice of how she might reconnect with her old friend, but still found a sense of comfort in the abundance of items that have certainly grown in number and utility since she'd last browsed her stores. Evidence that the doe was prevailing, at least in one way. Took care of Orbit, Aramantha, and her own wounds, and gave the Vampire her proper thanks. Fell selfishly into a reunion with Fenrir not long after, and took strength from that conversation though it still only touched the surface of what she'd wanted to say.

Over the past few days there have been plenty moments for respite, moments that almost convince her to lay still and breathe. Always gets a glimpse of something - Éasca's injured leg or a skirmish in the distance, to keep her on her guard. Finding the sight or meaning of blood evokes a squeamishness not previously held, quietly loathes this new weakness. Evasive and dizzy, presenting an innocuous, airheaded demeanor and employing small tactics to brush off any unwanted questions.

Woke to Mirah beside her, today. Relieved at her very presence and after making a quick trip around the Forest returned to lay with her head over the Amahni's shoulder.

september 25th, 2018

(i fucked this up)

december 28th, 2017

Received an overwhelming show of generosity in the form of supplies given by Pagan and Fenrir over the week. Spent some time sorting through the items with her children and speaking to them of a few related possibilities. Heartwarmed by the gifts, but unwilling to let any opportunity pass by without due regard.

In high spirits after the successful relocation of her compatriot, an especially warm night spent with Éasca, and, of course, the arrival of Mirah's offspring. Visiting the new family frequently, quick to dote on her friend or lend an extra pair in eyes should Mirah need to take time to look after herself.

october 9th, 2017

Ever-so-slightly on edge as the result of a tiresome journey and instructions she'd recently received from her homeland. At any rate, relieved to be back in the company of her loved ones and to see to the next task.

september 1st, 2017

Came into a refreshing set of answers during the rut and even managed to find a renewed sense of purpose somewhere amid meeting a myriad of charming new faces. Took strongly to the task of drowning out her own woes in the allure of others, and for once not feeling the alienating sense of separation between herself and her new cohabitants. Extremely pleasant distractions and comforts that were greatly needed given the emotional couple of nights that had preceded the season.

Still - tiring. And probably nothing better exemplified her compromised judgement and inward fatigue than the fact that she and Éasca agreed to make the journey back late last night. On equal parts excitement, nerves, and pure delirium, made their way back to her herd's territory where their daughters were waiting for them. Resistant to the idea of staying the rest of the day as soon as she saw her fawns - tight-lipped on the conflicting emotions that had risen to the surface, save for softly asking Éasca to help her washing their coats clean of the new pastes and then set off on the trip back to the Endless after making appropriate visits. Shared the task of carrying the fawns toward the end of the trip, allowing Aleta and Neli to return home fully rested and alert, and UY anything but...

september 29th, 2017
Has had her homeland on her mind consistently over the past months, but never so much as with the recent change of seasons and reminder that this would mark a full year since her departure. Left Aleta and Neli with Éasca one night and embarked on her first visit back, returning a few nights later with an invitation for her children, as well as Éasca, if the doe wished.

Reluctantly returned to the Forest after leaving her daughters under the tutelage of an esteemed associate before making back for the Forest the night before last. Enjoyed Éasca's presence during what would have otherwise been an extremely difficult trip if she'd been left with only her own thoughts for company. Remaining as sure and tranquil on the outside as possible, not wishing to reward Éasca's trust in her herd or herself with the constant worry that torments her mind over the decision. Telling herself it's simply the emotional nature of the whole situation that's compelling her to rush back and reclaim their girls before the few weeks are up.

april 12th, 2017
Though all too aware of the ever-present risk of danger in the Forest, has been taking care and precautions to avoid it, at least as much as it has been in her power. Approaching this with new tact and diffidence after playing witness to a fight yesterday, just meters away from where Aleta was sleeping peacefully on just the other side of the Playground rocks. Despite every desire to move, froze on shaking legs until long after it moved and died off on its own, and then, only when she was sure, curled tightly around the fawn in a bald attempt to comfort only herself, and not the oblivious infant.

Picked herself up afterward, in one way or another. Heeding it as a much-needed reminder, among other things.

march 16th, 2017
With stresses adding up over the course of the past week, and one particularly close call the day before, broke into the worst mindset she has had since arriving in forest. Tasted fear as strongly as if she was one of the fawns, experiencing it new for the first time. Spent the night trying to swallow it, and discern just why it had struck her so potently, doing her best to assume a placid mask by proverbial daybreak.

Gave a warm smile to Éasca when she arrived, but didn't, or couldn't, take the doe up on her initial offer to watch the fawns. Among a myriad of other reasons for her refusal, didn't want whatever bond that developed between Éasca and the fawns to occur under obligation or doubts about her own abilities. More comfortable later on, when Éasca initiated an excursion with Aleta on her own; gladly wished them a pleasant outing and didn't collect Aleta until much later.

Took the time between to solidify a resolution she'd on some level known she had to make when she first decided to move to this Forest. Somehow easier, afterward.

march 16th, 2017
Adjusting to several major changes and events in life: her decision to fully relocate to the Endless Forest followed closely by the birth of two daughters, Aleta and Néli.

Thankful for the help and kindnesses she's received, but has been functioning under undeniable levels of exhaustion as the days add up. Didn't feel completely herself until being able to steal a few minutes the second day, while her children were resting, to wash off under the fresh water at the Crying Idol. Has been in seemingly better spirits since then, having allowed her fawns to repaint themselves with playful, irreverent patterns that remind her less of what is left behind.[/center]

Deliberate Welcoming Circumspect Avid Biding Duplicitous

From a remote, lightless region of the effulgent forest inhabited by various others, including Takato's former herd. Has a dense, water-repellent coat, and a collection of thin, ribbon-like filaments that serve as auxiliary sensors to a certain end.

Loves her offspring with all her heart, but from an early age, staked her life to something that she holds of far greater import than fawn-rearing. Does not consider her life to be worth more; simply considers her obligations to be expansive and, at present, unfulfilled. Acknowledges that the ultimate sacrifice, if required of her, wouldn't be her own life, but that of her young, and that she doesn't have the luxury of denying said possibility. Will protect her young to the utmost of her power and resources, that said. they made it...

Considers the last volume of her life to be prewritten, and believes she has a good idea how the key chapters should unravel, too.

Accommodating and flexible in almost all regards. Not without preconceptions and customs from her homeland, but realizes that upholding them blindly in this forest will not serve her well. Slips from time to time and, though friendly, is reserved in declaring actual friendships. Remorselessly reveals parts of herself if she believes it will further her interests, though is not always as guileless as she may wish to appear.

Frequently decorates herself in a phosphorescent paste that originates from her homeland. Favors a blue pigment that releases high amounts of luciferase after sufficient immersion in darkness.

Recently wearing feathers, favoring long tail feathers, barred brown ones, or occasionally smaller covert feathers ringed together. Not precious about them, usually worn tilted low along the tendrils at her ear to avoid being jostled loose. -Frequently includes a feather from Greitai among these decorations.

Socially nuanced, attentive to opportunities, and frequently keeping an eye out for new arrivals or those who have unappreciated skills or abilities.


Confidante, lover, partner. Trusted fully; need and want. Contradictions. Propriety and daring. Enamored.

Aleta and Nélida
Daughters by Éasca. March 12th, 2017

Liked entirely too much. Contradictions. Inhibitions and tenderness. Enamored.


Adored staunchly, tries to treat as kindly as she can.

Friend, highly esteemed, a source of aid that has become less of a sense of debts owed and more an enduring dialogue of help whenever she can find a way to return it.

Anpiel Conflicted.
Ember Friend, admiration, respected. Missed.
Vikal Familiarity, esteem.
Niklaus Intimidation, extends weaknesses towards.
Umay Endearment, some concern.
Sabbath Intimidation, admiration.
Maddox Friend, missed.
Ephiré Greatly esteemed.
Verve Fascination, and privately holds a soft spot for, solely due to associating their meeting with Vrasa.
Carmine Admired, respected. Missed.
'Lee' Respected greatly for being a source of aid to many.
Takato :\ But respected.

Gair, Viera, Rye, Vrath, Utu, Mirah, 'Bane,' Phyrra, Asmos, Kaoori, Ingólfr, Zafir, Sky-Sight, Weasel, Azar, Andras, Harim, Neira, Sigel
need to add so many from the last rut... not complete, just lazy!!
from before-
Nanook, Limaria, Ehsan; Keidasi; Rhona; Lyndsea; Annelise; Jude; Freya; Stria; Mirza; Liathe and Fletcher
more! more! more!
- rin, astra, phobos, xxab, naida,

Lo de atrás se queda lleno de maleza amarilla, huertos sin frutos y ríos sin agua. Jamás ningún hombre cayó de espaldas sobre la muerte.

OkamiLugia's picture


sora1996's picture

knock knock

knock knock

Hi! ♥ U wrote a

Hi! ♥

U wrote a phrase in spanish : o and a nice one
Apeldille's picture

A little track

A little track

11dollarbills's picture

Thank you to everyone who's

Thank you to everyone who's tracked since 2017 ......

And Party1, I'm bad about adding names to the quotes I use in bios because sometimes I paraphrase so I feel weird about it, but it's from a super pretty poem by Federico García Lorca. If you ever wanted to read the original version it's findable in some PDFs if you search on Google! ♥
look out, kid.

Ya, ik who's him! Thanks!

Ya, ik who's him! Thanks! ♥ _ ♥

i'M LATE but queen ♥

i'M LATE but
queen ♥
Osmotious's picture

So pretty!!

So pretty!!
add me on discord: Krisaur#9391
pleasureobelisk's picture

♥ Tracking!

♥ Tracking!

hi pretty lady #2

hi pretty lady #2
Freyja's picture

Casti popping out of the

Casti popping out of the bushes like
(sneaky track...)

sure traaaack~!

sure traaaack~! <3
Acurna's picture

I need to be tracking this

I need to be tracking this
Evern's picture

(No subject)


avatar by sithrim, sig by shey!