August 6, 2008 - 4:06am — Shiori
This situation has gotten a bit…surreal, I suppose you could say. It seems no matter how much I expect one reaction from someone, I get something completely unexpected…which leaves me lost, confused, and wondering if I truly know anyone at all. It all seems backwards…an upside-down maze I struggle to walk though only to find it leads nowhere. They’re all dead ends.
I’ve weighed the pros and the cons...only to find non of them matter.
I’ve felt emotions unacknowledged and unreturned.
I’ve felt the cold sting of jealousy and pull of self destruction.
It’s left me drained. I know less of who I am now then I ever did before. I care more now then I’d ever cared before…certainly more than anyone else seems to care. Is it wrong? An old argument, renewed.
I feel little of love now…how can I love someone I do not know? It feels like love, tastes like love, STINGS like love, and yet I must constantly remind myself how it’s merely a deception. I force smiles now, dance with friends who I question, run and skip about because everyone else has moved on.
I haven’t.
I’m still stuck in the core, but because they move on, they assume I must as well. Who am I to disappoint them further? To deny them a smile and the play that seems to spell forgiveness I do not rightly feel. They must move on, and so must I, and I have, but not to a place full of the warmth of love, forgiveness, and the past put behind me. It is a dark place I find myself now, cold and devoid, where emotions swarm about me like bees, stinging me when I get too close. Otherwise they leave me be, buzzing just out of reach…
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I guess I must refrain from absolute honesty now. I have already upset Fulu, pushed her away. I feel horrid buttering up words that long to be harsh and yet I knew in order to move forward I must ‘forget’ them.
I will try and make this short and to the point, for I’ve made you wait too long as it is, and…well…No, I digress.
Fulu. It’s clear you’ve moved on. I have left a hole in your heart but it seems another has already come to fill it. I feel you have misinterpreted things…which has led you to make my decision for me. But the decision was yours all along. I do not wish to see you…Love, deception, whatever it is I feel simply tears my heart in two. Yet I will. I will see you and act civilly, and I will be happy for you…
Wyvern. I guess it comes down to this. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and I would beg you to take me back had you all not made it clear that you find me at little fault. I hope we can catch up and become as we were…but I fear it might not be so. Please feel none of this obligation to stand by me. I know not who I am, nor who you are, and to call this love feels silly, but I’ll give it a try.
Reetno. I know you are not here to receive these words but I will address you anyways. I feel so foolish and selfish, wanting you hear, wanting someone to help me carry this burden, or give me some clue on how to unload it. What would you know of such things? How could I ask you to be involved? You’ve run away…my only hope is it was not to avoid me, for if it was…I…d-don’t know what I’ll do. What role model am I now? No, I can never try to guide you again now with any feeling of certainty, for I have none of my own…
Atiq. I’m not sure how I feel. Part of me wishes to thank you for being there for the girls…and part of me feels much discontent. I had thought you a best friend once and yet we seem to grow further and further apart. I didn’t feel much from you through all of this…but I know you meant well, trying to get me and Fulu together again…but it was an issue forced.
Kumiko. I do not know you well at all, I’m afraid, but any admired by my friends is a welcome friend of mine. I am…sorry for all this, for making you feel such obligation towards the situation. It wasn’t fair, and I hope you can forgive me for the pain and stress I’ve caused you and everyone else. I hope it will not effect our friendship
Zilant. Please take care of her…
~ Darcy
... : You are a very
Anzel: *nuzzles*...I wish you luck in your future, kind stag. I know, I am but a mere ghost, more a novelty item than a respectable friend to anyone (so it feels), but I've been watching...feel better soon, Darcy.
Darcy: -Sad smile- Thank
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*hides behind anzel's leg
Anzel: I think of her as my niece. She's very shy...she isn't sure if she wants to reveal herself yet or not...
And I don't believe that anyone hates you...how could they? You've done nothing wrong...*nuzzles*
I actually think you're kind of sweet, heh...*smiles slightly and looks down*...it's not their fault they liked you...*winks*
Ahh, Darcy... Now I feel bad
I ask you to disregard... I was angry... Anyway, it seems you have enough on your mind, I wish I could show you a path to take. You must move on some time, though. This is something you should not dwell on for long. Fulu still loves you, and she will never turn away from you if you need her. And neither will I. Just remember that you still do have friends that will be their. It doesn't matter if you just want to yell at something, or if you want to stay silent, we will stay for as long as we need to be. *nuzzle*
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The Butterfly
The Bird
The Watcher
Aww poor Darcy... I hope all
Hope you'll be somewhat better by the time Reetno finds his way back... I'm thinking he'll really need a friend after what he's going through...
*~--~--~*~--~--~*
Feed it! Feed it NOW!!
Zilant: *is saddened by what
Wyvern: *is quiet for some time, but eventually responds in a soft, yet stern voice* Darcy. It is not mere obligation that draws me to your side. If that were the case...I would have left as soon as this situation began. *closes her eyes briefly* I want this to work out. I want things, I want us, to become as we were, but only if that is what you want as well. We must learn to be honest with one another, and to speak with both our minds and our hearts.
Anzel: I see…-blinks at
Skokey: I…don’t know what to say to you. I don’t need anyone feeling bad for me. Everyone keeps telling me that…and I want to move on. This feels like more than just ‘doe’ problems now, though…it feels like much more, life itself. The choices I make, the contradictions I feel…something is amiss in my paradise. But thank you.
Wyvern: No, no… I know it wasn’t obligation…but this is past tense. Things are changing…the dice are rolling and do not know on which faces they will land. I can’t even begin to see what you, or anyone else, sees in me. Sweet, Anzel calls me…how? What have I done to call for such a compliment? I cannot see…how you love something that does not love itself. Things are not AS they were, so it would be silly to want it. We can only deal in the now, wherever it leads us…
I hope he will come to himself by then too Zabreth…either way he’ll always be there for Reetno, and will welcome the distraction at least…
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Wyvern: What are you saying?
Darcy, answer this one question for me. Do you wish for us to be together, or would you rather that I leave?
(In other words, I think that she wants a straight answer. XD; She's been through a lot, too, but she only wants to help him. )
I was simply being
*chuckles bitterly* I know
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The Butterfly
The Bird
The Watcher
I’m saying…I don’t
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I am but a ghost...nothing
I apologise for troubling you with my words, friend.
Wyvern: I understand...I
Zilant: *watches from afar; is saddened by the situation and the severity in everyone's voice*
Rutilus: I know not of your
Rutilus: I know not of your feelings, Darcy, for how can I feel them if I am not you? But I have been through several heartaches and decisions that have torn me apart in my life. I wish that you did not feel...this way. But know this; there is always a light in the darkness, even if you cannot see it. Try to hope, Darcy. Live your life.
Taliene: *looks at Darcy sadly* I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is cruel, this I know...I have never felt the emotion that those call "love". I pray that the Gods will help you...*sadly looks at ground*
Jared: *stands a distance away* You are a mixture of emotions, indeed, Darcy...But Rutilus is right; you must live your life. Things will sort themselves out, you just have to hope. Try, Darcy. Try to hope.
Aer: The Gods have a reason for everything, even for something as terrible as this. I pray that this emptiness will fade away, Darcy...
-- Dannii <3