Ooc: I wanted to do a journal about the 15th, because Lemon had tons of fun. <333 But I may just submit my favorite screenies of that day, rather than a full journal, since I don’t actually have much to say. xD Just silliness to report, really.]

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I awoke again, this morning, with those same feelings. The same feelings that have been bothering me for the past few days; that hazy anxiousness, that feeling of remorse and agony and love and inexplicable sadness. For a long time, I simply lay where I had awoken, my eyes heavy with sleep. It takes a while for me to get my bearings, after I awaken – to sink into the world around me. It takes a while for me to understand where I am. It’s not easy being blind in an endless forest; I’ve gotten lost more than my share of times. And I fear that will never change. Some mornings, I will wake up completely and utterly lost. This was one of those mornings.

After quite some time, I heard tiny footsteps approaching. I held perfectly still, breath baited, hoping the fawn would pass me by, bored with my unwillingness to join him in his games. Naturally, the desire to socialize was simply too strong for the little one, and he insisted on trotting right up to me. He bowed. I turned my head toward him, though it did not a bit of good. Sometimes I wonder why I keep these habits about me; why I pretend like I can see. Why do I turn my head to inspect things? I have no eyes with which to see, it’s not as if turning my head does any bit of good. But I suppose it’s just one of those things we deer do, without really having a reason for doing it.

I turned to the fawn, my mind exhausted from days and days of being so happy and so sad at the same time. I could feel his innocent eyes peering into mine, and I could almost see the question beginning to form on his lips. ”What’s wrong with you?” I could nearly hear him whisper, his voice trembling with fear and disgust. I could almost imagine the horror on his face, as I slowly turned to him, revealing those pale yellow eyes, so deathly still and glassy, like the eyes of a half-rotten bird. I couldn’t bear to hear him question me about my unseeing eyes, couldn’t bear to hear that damned sharp inhalation of surprise, when he saw me in all my glory. Without saying so much as a word to the fawn, I rose from my sleeping spot, and ran. I ran for a long time; and he kept up with me for most of the way. No amount of zig-zagging would deter him, and my evasive maneuvers were doing little more than making me feel more and more lost. Thus, I hid inside a tree in the blueberry bowl.

I love the blueberry bowl, and it’s tangy, sweet scents. They tickle my nose and cool my lungs, reaching their icy-sweet fingers all the way down my throat, where they make my stomach lurch in a strange and funny way. I like the taste of the blueberries, but I hate the juices that erupt with every nibble. Such a mess they make, I feel like a fool with that blue sap dripping down my chin; as if I’m a helpless infant, suckling for the first time. I hid there for a while, too numb and depressed to care when even one of my best friends happened to wander by; Raunun.

Eventually, I began to feel sorry for running away from an innocent fawn, and doubly sorry for passing up a chance to see my good friend, Raunun. I slunk away from my hiding spot like a child after a reprimand. Raunun had vanished, but I was able to relocate the fawn. He was playing in a large group of deer; something I was rather unhappy, but not surprised, to find. I was careful to stay away from them for a while, hoping the fawn would come try his hand at approaching me one more time; and Nala, being the sweet and unselfish doe that she is, was glad to keep me company for a while. Oh Gods, if only I could be more like her. I have become such a selfish girl, lately, haven’t I?

I think the fawn did come say hello, after a while. I can’t remember, really. If he did, it wasn’t for very long – he was off looking for more excitable companionship, before long. Much to my great relief, he made no mention of my … of my eyes.

I miss my mask. I need it.

I think I fell asleep after that. Feeling lonely and sorry for myself, I curled up beside a fallen log, and let the nightmares sweep me away.

When I woke up…

He was there.

I could feel his presence surrounding me; I could smell his warm, comforting scent in the air. With a start, I jolted awake. The tears on my cheeks had dried, leaving my eyes heavy and tired. But what did I care? This day had started out terribly; and this was enough to make everything better. Everything. My lips quivered, my heart raced, my legs ached with the desire to get up and run. And in an instant, I was galloping harder and faster than I ever have, before. I cried out, my voice trembling with so many damned emotions. And he called back; running, twice as hard and fast, toward me.

We collided; and I don’t know how long we ran around, running and jumping like fools around each other. I don’t care. I was – am – too happy to care even the slightest bit.

What is it that they say?

Absence, makes the heart grow fonder.

Or maybe a better expression would be,
You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone.



”You are all I have;” his voice quiet and dark, somehow already so familiar.

We wandered the forest for a long time, together. I clung to him, desperate to keep him within sight at all times. Eventually, several other deer became rather curious of us. Looking back, I feel bad that we shunned so many curious souls; but at the time, it’s always the same. I just want to be left alone, when I’m with him. I want to be left alone when I’m not with him, but I think the pain of loneliness is too strong for me to be alone, then. Despite how anti-social I feel, I still need other deer; it’s in my nature to depend on a strong social structure. It’s in my blood.

There was one deer in particular who kept up with us for a long time. The phantom was rather annoyed by how close he kept on our heels, but I didn’t care. Not today, of all days, no. Not today. I felt bad for having to shoo him away so often; but I wonder why he found us so intensely intriguing. There were lots of other deer in the forest, today. I wonder why we were so inexplicably interesting, all of the sudden.



After a while; I saw Seth. Actually, the phantom saw Seth. It took a while for me to realize who he was goading me toward. Though I have been practicing certain habits which are useful to a blind doe, I still have a hard time spotting deer in a crowd. It wasn’t until we were rather close, that I recognized Seth standing alone on the bridge. I was thrilled to see him, and my heart leapt at the mere sight of him. I started forward, then jerked to a stop. No, I couldn’t leave the phantom – not even for a minute. I was determined to soak in every possible minute, with him. But the phantom tried to tell me that it was alright, to go say hello. Still, I hung back, unsure.

Then Seth turned and trotted off. I was startled, a bit hurt, and angry at myself for forgoing the opportunity. I lurched in the direction he’d gone, crying out. When I knew that he was gone, I turned back to the phantom. But he wasn’t going to give up at that. He lead me off in the direction Seth had gone, until we found him near the blueberry bowl. This time, I wasn’t going to miss my chance again.

I was happy to see Seth, but I could see that he wasn’t feeling like himself. There was no celebratory leaping, no laughter, not even a look of amazement. I understood him; I’m not always up for a game, as you may well know. In fact, I’m often a rather grimly straight-arrowed deer. Still, my heart ached to see Seth looking so despaired. After a while, I tried to lead him back to the phantom – I suspected that he would be in a better mood, today; more accommodating of Seth than he had been, before. But Seth hung back, watching with a wary eye. Supposing he’d sneak his way over to where the phantom and I were, I curled up beside the phantom, closing my eyes and soaking in the comfort of having him so near. The next thing I knew, Seth was gone.

I think we wandered around for a while, after that, before settling down for a rest. We laid, side-by-side, for a long time. I rested against him, with me head laying against his broad, warm shoulders. It’s good to feel so relaxed, again – so unwary of the world around me.



The phantom lead me to Seth, one more time. I gave the phantom a nuzzle before trotting off to see Seth, to ask him what was bothering him. I approached carefully, not wanting to startle him, or annoy him with my perseverance. He took me in with a nuzzle, evidently glad to have my company. I relaxed, happy to know that I was still in his good graces. I asked why he was sad; he told me that he was feeling lost and confused, angry at himself. I wanted to ask questions, to get to the bottom of the situation. Maybe if I wasn’t too busy stuttering like an imbecile, I might have.

Sometimes the butterflies get the best of me, you see.

After a while, I suddenly came to the realization that I was alone. Not alone in the complete sense of the word; but… more alone then I had been, only moments before. I jumped in surprise, flicking my ears as I tried desperately to locate the phantom. ’No, he can’t be gone, yet. Not yet… I didn’t say goodbye…’ My mind reeled, and I raced off toward the spot I’d last seen him; I found myself in a spot where the grass had been brushed aside, still warm from the phantom’s large body. He was gone. I cried out for him, hoping to hear the reassuring sound of his footsteps as he peered out from his latest hiding place. But he was, indeed, gone.

Resigned, I returned to Seth. I hadn’t meant to leave him like that; I wasn’t trying to say that I preferred the phantom’s company over his. But the phantom’s disappearance had been rather… sudden. It had caught me off guard, and I had lost myself for a moment. Nevertheless, I doubt my reaction to the phantom’s departure did much good for Seth’s low mood. It wasn’t long before he was saying his goodbyes, as well.

I guess I fell asleep there.

When I woke up again, Seth was around. This time, he seemed much happier. This time, there was a celebration of celebrations, upon our meeting. We ran and leapt like idiots, causing quite a stir. After a while, we bumped into an old acquaintance of mine. She was a doe that I remember from several days ago; she was just a fawn, then. I can’t remember exactly what she did to wrong me; but I remember that she did give me quite a bit of trouble. Probably a bit of innocent fun – I do tend to take those things the wrong way. In any case, as time progressed, I began to realize that this fawn-turned-doe was no longer any sort of threat. I relaxed, and I think I even gave her a little nuzzle. Everything was going great – the phantom had returned, Seth’s mood had improved – why not spread the affection around, a little?

Then another doe arrived, dressed exactly like Seth. We all spent a few minutes being amazed and giggling like maniacs at the sight of a she-Seth. I remember the doe from an earlier adventure, but I couldn’t quite remember her name. She introduced herself as Calamity – a very lovely name, if you ask me. I decided that I like her, a lot.



Then quite a few fawns joined us, and we had a blast. Nevertheless, it had been a long day; and my little fawn body was beginning to feel the effects. I sunk to my knees, smiling to myself for no real reason. It had been a pretty good day, after all. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be riddled with the usual nightmares.

Maybe tonight, I’ll dream of good things, for once.

As I curled up to sleep, tucking my nose into the warmth of my belly, I could almost hear the phantom’s affectionate voice humming softly in my ear; a low tone rising above the trill of fawn laughter.

”You are all I have.”