13th September 2010

It seems as if an eternity has passed... The memories are still clear in my mind -- the sound of his raspy voice, the brush of his rough coat against my veleveteen skin... It has been ages since I've used this frail body of mine. I had hoped that by now the dull ache would have subsided -- but it remains, clinging to the bones in my weary chest and tugging at the very stitches of my heart. I can't rid myself of this.

I met Ephire by the pond. He didn't seem to mind when I slipped and collapsed to a crumpled heap at his feet (mossy rocks are a trouble for blind little girls like myself). I can't express my gratitude for that -- how humiliated I was, and yet he made no move toward mockery. I like to think that we are very much alike, he and I. Two kindred, quiet spirits. But of course, that's nothing more than the musings of a shy girl's heart. We seldom speak, so I can hardly say that I know him. We are such quiet types, and I like that. So often, words merely get in the way of what's really important.



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14th September 2010

He is not here.

I wait with baited breath, but he is not here.

What cold, wry humour is this?

No. I do understand why it must be this way. Karma is a vengeful mistress, and I am destined to suffer as he did. I will dance the dance, but my heart will not be in it. My memory blurs as I am spun and twirled from one leading hand to the other; out of synch to the music, it doesn't feel right. None of them are his hands, none of them matter.

I am going through the motions.

This is not me.
This is my hollow shell.

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15th September 2010

Seed! My kind, doting brother. How I had missed you. I know that I owe you quite an explanation, and in time it will come. For now, we are simply drowning in euphoria at being reunited.

For the moment, my troubles are put aside. How can I possibly feel depressed, in the presence of my beloved brother? Our meetings are few and far between -- I cherish each passing moment. It always makes me smile, to reflect on our relationship. He, the stoic, sturdy counterpart to my flighty emotional turmoil.

We frolic and play as we always do, transferred momentarily to a simpler time when we were both younger. The smell of lavender makes my head spin with joy; I am laughing again -- smiling, dancing.

I needed this.



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18th September 2010

Today, I was introduced to Takeshi -- Kaoori's son. Standing before the fully-grown incarnate of my old friend, I felt my heart ache as equally as it rejoiced. It was here that I began to realize the full weight of all I had missed, during my absence from the forest. It pained me to know that I had missed so much...

So much love, laughter, and joy -- and just as much pain, sorrow, and misery.

I had missed it all.

I had missed the birth of my dear Kaoori's son, let alone his transformation into adulthood. I had missed so much of my own brother's trials and triumphs... his marriage to the sweet little doe, Nevilly.

Shortly after Takeshi's departure, I met up with my dear old friend Ba. I had befriended her while she was nothing more than a tiny infant fawn -- looked after her as my own child, and watched as she blossomed into a charming young adult. Now she was grown, years aged since I had last met with her -- but, of course, still as charming and hyperactive as she had ever been. It was such a joy to be with her again, laughing at the silliest of jokes and bounding around like first-season bucks.

Yet, the aching in my chest remained, haunting my bones. What else had I missed?

These things can never be replaced...



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19th September 2010

I wandered the forest without purpose, attempting to ignore the burning instinct which pulled me toward the sound of rutting stags. I wasn't in the mood for testosterone-laden fools, today -- though my body insisted otherwise.

I moved aimlessly, slowly, twisting my path between well-known trees and patches of lavender. The forest was spinning with life -- rutting stags and does called to each other, and my ears twitched at each distant sound, only half-interested in the games they played.

Suddenly, a scent struck me -- so powerful, unforgettable. My heart froze in my chest.

_{"W.. Walter?"}

How could it be?

My heartbeat rose, I was paralyzed. For a moment, I truly believed myself to be mistaken. But no, there is no forgetting, where love is concerned.

My breath escaped me in the form of a single word.

_"Walter!"

Tears streamed from my unseeing eyes, dripping carelessly down my cheeks and rolling off the pointed tip of my avian mask. With a toss of my head, I discarded my mask. There was no need for hiding, now.

Like ocean waves, we collided.

He gathered me into an embrace, our necks entwined. Now my tears were unconstrained -- my sides shuddered with choked sobs, my legs trembled. Yet this was not pure sadness which struck me; I was laughing, smiling, through my muffled weeping. I felt my knees grow weak, and I began to slide toward the ground -- but Walter did not let me go.

It seemed like an eternity. Neither of us wanted to let the other go.

All around us, the world was spinning and blurring into a mess, like ruined watercolors.

Nothing mattered.

Nothing.



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21st September 2010

I am hearing things.

I see things.

Images, whispers -- rumors regarding a child. Two children? The spirits are trying to tell me something. It's becoming difficult to block them out... what is this nonsense? I can't ignore it.

A child.

He killed it.

He killed his own.





I... I need to sleep.



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22nd September 2010
The gates have been opened.



Kaoori told me about her daughter.

...


I feel sick.
I... I need to think. I need to talk to..
somebody. anybody.

_{Where is Mystress?}


...
How could he do this?
I want to kill him.
I want to make him suffer.








_{But I love him.}



I knew who he was. I knew how he was.
Everyone told me to stay away, but I believed, like a fool, that I could change him.
I believed that there was some good in him.

He knew how much Kaoori meant to me.
He knew how much life meant to me -- even the life of an unborn fawn.

And he didn't care.


I'm... having... _{difficulty...}



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23rd September 2010
Last night was a nightmare. Still bursting with emotion from my encounter with Kaoori, I sought out Walter. This was, probably, a very stupid thing for me to do. In the past, he has been notably merciful toward me -- if I desire for this trend to continue, it's best that I don't push my luck. But I was in a bad state, then. I was quite out of my mind. I was raging for blood and tears -- I needed answers, I needed his pain, I needed him to pay.

How could I possibly forgive him for this travesty?

I found him. In the distance, I could hear him screeching like a madman, and occasionally his horrifying roars were returned by the sharp, shrill cries of a female. My pulse was raging out of control, my heart hammering relentlessly against my ribcage. My fury and deep anguish was momentarily mixed with fear, as I wondered what horrific act Walter could possibly be committing upon this shrieking doe.

I flew. Across the landscape I ran, expertly dodging the trees I had grown to recognize. I could hear objects and deer whirring past me at lightning speed -- pumped with adrenaline, I had never moved so quickly in my life. My reckless racing attracted the attention of Virgil and Gehirn, who thundered after me in hot pursuit. They knew me -- or, at least Virgil knew -- I would never run this way, unless for a very good reason.

I slid to a stop, dust and debris hailing my arrival. All fell silent. I did not recognized the female accompanying Walter -- but she did not seem to be in any harm. My rage doubled. What had all of this cursed screaming and carrying on been for? For nothing? And who was this girl, anyway?

I stood, frozen from exhaustion and emotion. My breath was roaring in my ears, ragged and heavy -- I could hardly hear a thing. But as my labored breathing began to subside, the one thing I heard made my blood run cold. Walter had turned, and was moving slowly away. I felt tears begin to fall, warm and unwanted. "Don't... don't you dare walk away, Walter." He was walking, walking, walking away with the strange doe. "Walter!" My voice was shaking.

--

The next morning, I lay by the ruins. I had calmed down since the previous day -- but my nerves were still on high alert. My brother Seed had made himself comfortable next to me. We said very little -- unusual for such close companions. His very presence said enough.

Suddenly, I heard my name called -- faintly, quietly, hesitantly. I turned my head, silver ears flickering. It was Walter. I rose to meet him, not sure anymore of what I even wanted to say to him.

I was angry. I was hurt. I was not afraid to tell him how I abhorred him. My gentle voice shook and rose, heated and angry. I asked continually, why? He didn't have an answer for me. But even through my anger, his misery tore my heart. This was not satisfying, as I had hoped -- this felt like snapping the necks of little songbirds. He was crying, begging me to come near him -- but I was disgusted. I would not have him. Yet, secretly, my heart ached -- I wanted this all to go away, for things to be like they had once been. I wanted to come to him, embrace him, soothe him. But I could not forget this.

What was done, was done.

Seed observed, ready at any moment to cut in if things got out of hand. His presence probably helped the most. Somewhere along the way, I was overcome by the urge to simply leave -- but Seed was there encouraging me, and I stayed.

We talked for so long. He told me about his child, Wafiya's child. The Gods had punished him -- and again, it was not the retribution I had hoped for. I did not feel justified by his loss.

I began to wind down. The past week had left me feeling battered and exhausted, and I could deny the demon gazelle no longer. He rushed to me, holding me as tightly as he could, and I slumped against him. His apology did not fall on deaf ears -- I would, eventually, forgive him. This was not my battle, but Kaoori's.

Walter lead Seed and I to a patch of wild lavender -- the scent brought back sweet memories, and a trembling smile crossed my lips briefly. I collapsed to the ground with a heavy-hearted sigh, and sleep overtook me almost immediately.

I had a lot of thinking to do.

For now, I'll dream of better days.




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28th September 2010

Hm..

It's been a lazy day. The kind I like best. I'm becoming a bit ill, so it was nice to take things slow, for a while.

I've met a fawn, today... I found him, cowering and shivering with fright at the pond's edge. After a bit of coaxing, I managed to convince the poor child that there was nothing to be afraid of. After that, he clung to my side for as long as he possibly could, the darling thing. I must say that the child has completely stolen my heart cleanly away...

We were still frolicking by the pond when Seed found us. After a fairly quick introduction, the three of us made quite a pleasant event of the day. Hm, I do hope I can meet up with the little fawn, again.

What a lovely day...



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