I sat in my poppies alone for most of the morning, just contemplating life and thinking about things, lost in my head. I became aware of a presence after some time, and I was startled to realize I wasn't alone. A doe by the name of Pagan had approached me. I'd heard of her, but we'd never officially met before today. She bent and offered me flowers, much to my surprise. I was flustered and blushing and could only manage to stutter a soft 'thank you' before she was on her way again.
I put a few of the poppies in my hair and went for a short walk to clear my mind, eventually coming across Ku. He was still in a strange mood, offering only grunts and growls when I asked if he wanted to talk, so I simply sat beside him for a while. But after some time I was astonished to hear the familiar little footsteps of Jude approaching. I got up immediately, shocked and delighted and already close to tears.
We had a conversation about Fletcher and Walter, and Jude told me he forgave me. It took every ounce of willpower to stick to the lines I had rehearsed over and over in my head in anticipation of finally seeing him again. I told him Fletcher was a good guy and was doing the right thing, and I resisted saying anything about my opinion on Walter, to keep the poor child's mind straight. I don't need to muddy things up for him any more than they already are. In the end he hugged me tightly and I told him to go, and he seemed happy with that. It was only after he left and I sank to my knees to cry that I realized he'd returned the flower crown to me.
After that Ku got up and left, clearly not interested in me keeping him company, which I can respect. We hardly know each other, I just worry about the poor guy, and I don't know what else to do. I guess maybe giving him space will be as helpful as I can get at this point, so I'm making a note to keep my distance from him for a while.
Alone again I wandered, until eventually I ended up at the bar. I was a few drinks in when I met Llyr. I invited her to sit closer and she offered to buy me drinks. After that it was a blur of giggling and flirting and talking about our preferred methods of intoxication. I remember dancing with the bartender several times. After she left I really lost it. I remember nuzzling everyone there, telling them I loved them. I remember Ku crying at the end of the bar with Pho, and I climbed up onto the bar to sit next to him awkwardly while he babbled in other languages. After another round of dancing I sat down next to Mane and started sobbing uncontrollably, which made him uncomfortable. I cheered up after we shared some kind of pink drink, and promptly proceeded to pass out.
I woke up this morning with a hangover, my head still resting on the bar in a puddle of drool. But all in all I'm feeling pretty good. My brief moment with Jude was enough to make my heart sing for a while.
Today was a bit more relaxed. I noticed Jude was all alone and so I sat near the old oak to watch over him from a safe distance. I don't think he noticed me, or if he did he remembered the talk we'd had, and he stayed near his tree. As soon as someone else showed up -- I think it was Mirza -- I got up and left out of respect for what I'd promised Fletcher. I spent the majority of the day sleeping, only dimly aware of being visited briefly by Llyr.
When I woke I found Kaoori, and we had a good old-fashioned play for a long while, just dancing and running and giggling with each other like old times. We sat together near the pond for a while until she had to go, at which point I got up to sniff out Llyr. I found her sitting rather uncomfortably close to Jude's tree, but after testing the waters a bit I began to relax and just settled down next to her. I think I was far enough away for Fletcher's satisfaction, or maybe he simply hadn't noticed me. Either way, things were peaceful, and I was grateful for that.
Trying to distract myself from a feverish and sickly Walter, I found myself wandering the forest alone. I came across a sleeping child in the old oak and settled myself down beside it the way I used to do, just keeping it company and offering it warmth. I must have dozed off, because when I awoke Fletcher was standing there, staring me down. ...Right. Too tired to bother with his hatred of me, I just gave him a bow and moved away. This seemed to satisfy him, as he left me alone after that.
I ended up running into Maggot and Phobos, after that. Maggot and I had an interesting conversation about restoring my eyesight, but he wouldn't tell me what he wanted in return and seemed a little at a loss when I told him I wasn't giving him any children or souls. Still not sure what to think of him, he's pretty shady but he seems like a good guy at heart, maybe. I don't know anymore. It used to be I could tell someone's intentions just by looking into their soul, but these days I don't trust my sight.
By mid-day I was at my lowest. That one little moment with Fletcher was tearing at me. The way he'd come up to protect the fawn from me. Like I was a monster. And aside from that, I was feeling anxious over Walter and Nishi and I was frustrated with myself. I approached Rose, and I asked for something to take my mind off of things. He was happy to oblige.
But when I got back to my poppies I just laid there with the pills beside me, contemplating everything. Even with everything that's been going on, I've been happy. I'll be happy again. I just need to pull through a little longer. I can't go doing shit like this when I have Nishi. After a few hours I crushed up the pills and threw them into the pond, watching to be sure they were destroyed and well away from curious little mouths before turning to make my way back to Nishi and Walter. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I didn't make that one. At least I can say that much.
I snuggled up beside Walter and closed my eyes, touching my nose to him as he shivered and ground his teeth.
Walter hasn't been doing well since we returned from the human world. At first he was just very tired, and I could tell. But things became progressively worse as time went on.
We found Kuwaka sitting alone near the birch forest, upset about something, though we weren't sure what. Walter poked around for a moment before returning to me, and I had to nudge him back and call him an idiot before he tried again. Kuwaka wasn't interested in talking, so they just sat quietly together for a long while. I noticed something was off when Walter kept nodding off -- and finally it got to the point where he seemed barely coherent. He gave me a nuzzle before falling into a deep slumber not far from where Ku was sitting, shivering and feverish. He's been asleep ever since.
I stayed by Ku's side for a long time, not sure what to do to help except to keep him quiet company while he chain smoked and drank himself to death. I kept an ear out for Walter, hoping maybe a short nap was all he'd needed, but in truth I know this is more than a little extra tiredness, and I'm sure he'll be out for a while.
Nishi was quite worried when he saw Walter, but I let him know he'd be okay. I know leaving the forest isn't easy for Walter, I just didn't realize it would be this bad... I've been keeping a stockpile of blueberries and water near him for when he wakes up (nibbling on a few blueberries myself now and then) but so far he hasn't stirred. I won't tell Nishi, but I am worried.
To distract Nishi (and myself) a bit, I took him out to the pond to splash around. He actually managed to catch a dragonfly, which seemed to shock him as much as it did me. I had a good laugh when I realized what had happened. We left the pond, shaking the water from our fur, and went chasing each other through the forest for a while. Eventually I thought I'd teach Nishi how to kick in a fight, since those of us without antlers are often reliant upon such measures. He took very well to the lesson... a little too well... I could tell there were some pent-up frustrations coming out, so I tried to calm him down a little. It seemed to work. We went back to Walter after that and fell asleep for the night.
Walter and I took Nishi on a trip to the human world for a few days. It was an eventful time, nice to be in a human form after so long. I had been nervous about taking Nishi, but he did quite well. I bought Nishi a baseball to take home, which he seemed to really like. By the end he was pretty exhausted from the whole adventure, but I think it was a good one. It was nice to link my fingers through Walter's and put my arms around him. I'd almost forgotten that sensation after all these years. And little things like holding Nishi's hand when we crossed a street just did my heart good. Little memories that will live forever in my heart.
When we got back, Walter, Nishi, and I all spent the first half of the day together. I guess I was pretty tired myself, because I ended up falling asleep through most of it. When I woke I was alone, so I went to walk the forest for a bit. I recognized Pandora roaming nearby, but I figured enough time's passed for her to forget who I even am. If I avoid her, she'll avoid me, all will be well. On a similar note, I ended up finding Rhea laying nearby, and on a whim (against my better judgement) I approached her.
I apologized for everything, which seemed to leave her underwhelmed and unimpressed. I don't blame her. Honestly I cringe whenever I think of the things I said. All in all, I know the truth. The truth is, I'm nothing to them. And I'll leave them all alone. I still miss Jude and Lu and Steini, Jorah, but by now I'm sure not even they think of me much. That's okay. I have my little family, and I've been branching out trying to make new friends. I just wanted to tell her I was sorry, and close that chapter for both of us.
I'm going to say those dreadful words, the words which always seem to beckon the worst: things seem to be going well for me, right now. I'm laughing as I write this, because I just know it's bad luck... but screw it. I've had some of the happiest days I can remember, just being there with Walter and Nishi, meeting Atiq, running around with Vala and meeting Flyleaf. It's so hard for me to make new friends, I can be quite shy. I guess I just needed a boot in the ass to finally realize the world is a lot bigger than it seems.
It makes me sad to know there are those who refuse to associate with me now, because nothing's really changed. It's only a title. I've always loved that damn old fool and I probably always will. I've always tried to show off the fact that he isn't the monster he thinks he is. The only thing that's changed is a little bit of formality (and, alright, maybe a lot more PDA). Maybe one day my old friends will see things aren't so bad and come back to me, and I'll receive them with open arms and a smile.
But for now, I'm living my life and it's a good one.
Stay safe out there, anonymous reader. And hug your loved ones. Life's too short.
Finally, the day came that I could not avoid Crescent any longer. His calm voice entered my mind, beckoning to me from within the confines of my head. We conversed for a little that way, our bodies distant and our minds connected, neither of us quite ready to approach the other physically. But I invited him to come find me, and eventually he did.
Things were awkward at first. I didn't know what I was going to say, or if I even had anything to say at all. I thought I knew exactly what he was going to tell me, and I was prepared for the worst. Another round of being told I was wasting myself on a monster, another long round of being told I was stupid. But I gave him my best smile and hoped I was wrong.
I was wrong.
The days have been dark, lately. And Crescent arrived, the bearer of light, casting away the pain in my heart.
He told me he was happy for me, that Walter would keep me safe. He congratulated me. That part was enough, already. That alone would have sent me away feeling blessed and incredibly happy, just to know he was genuinely happy for me.
But our conversation continued, and as always when I'm with him, I found it easy to unload everything that had been weighing on my heart. He draws it out of me. I told him about what had happened with Fletcher and Rhea and Liathe, about not being able to see Jude or Lu. I told him about friends who had turned their backs on me. I told him everything.
And he told me it wasn't my fault... The words were enough to finally break me, and I cried deeply for a long time.
Because to be honest, I've only been blaming myself.
I told Walter if it was just he and I for the rest of our lives, I'd be happy -- because he warned me nearly everyone I loved would turn their backs on me, and I can't help but see the truth in his words. I still stand by what I said. I'd be happy with just us two, once the dust settles and I know who is left standing. If it's only he and I in the end, I can live with that.
But the mistakes I've made, the things I've said... I've been wondering if maybe something's wrong with me. It weighs heavy on my heart, the idea that maybe out of everyone it's me that's a monster. And I still believe maybe that's the case.
I see the good in Walter, I see none in myself.
And to hear Crescent say I was a good person... It cracked the brave face I've been putting on, and everything just came flowing out. His kindness was just so unexpected, it came so suddenly. And I should never have expected anything else from him.
Of everyone, I had expected the harshest words from Kaoori and Crescent. Both have proven me wholly incorrect. The only two people who should have been hurt most by this entire situation were the only ones to give me any semblance of comfort. It's funny, isn't it?
Yesterday I met an interesting fellow by the name of Atiq. He's been here longer than I have, and yet we've never crossed paths until now. We both found that rather amusing. We had a long, relaxing talk about our lives, he didn't even bat an eye when I mentioned Walter. I can't pretend that didn't fill me with relief. This is what I need: to reach outside the usual circles and find new friends... The encounter really made me think about how small my world had been feeling lately, and how big the world truly is. So many deer I've never met, and I waste my tears on only a few? It seems silly, now.
I'm still hoping for the day I'm allowed to see Jude and Lu and all the others again, and I'd still probably cry with relief at the chance to apologize to Fletcher again. I'd still like to talk to Rhea, and maybe even Liathe again. But you know what? I've started to make peace with my own mistakes. I've come to see that it isn't really about me. It's about the children. They do what they must to keep the children safe, and I understand that. It's time for me to move on with myself. And I will.
Atiq and I were interrupted in the most pleasant of ways halfway through our chat, by a rambunctious young fawn. Immediately we both shared a smile and got up to dance with the child. I've never met a fawn with as much energy in my life! He had us tearing up and down the forest, dodging trees, zipping around in circles, stopping only to dance now and then. By the time the fawn had tired himself out, Atiq and I were both panting and laughing, exhausted. Atiq lead me to a quieter spot where we sat and talked a little more, but I was so tired I ended up falling asleep right there.
Today was a day of Nishi. Today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. It started with Walter and I cuddling quietly together for a little while, just enjoying each other's presence. He's seemed so tired, lately, I know a lot has been weighing on his mind. I'm afraid he might be feeling guilty about everything that's happened and I need to talk with him about it. I'm just not sure where to start. I don't blame him for any of it, and I don't think he knows that.
After he fell asleep I was found in my poppies by Nishi. We curled up together for a long time, drifting in and out of sleep at times (or at least I did).
I've noticed a deer hanging around with a very dark soul, so I've been keeping a wary eye out for him. He wandered quite close to us at one point, but I remained with Nishi and he passed by. At some point I realized Nishi had vanished and immediately got up to find him -- but he was safe, laying happily on his own near some blueberries. I picked some blueberries and left them for him, giving him some space so as not to crowd him. He seemed quite happy with the gift and thanked me with the smallest of nuzzles -- a bump, really -- which made my heart swell.
After that we went on a long, long run through the forest. His energy was boundless, and I even heard him laugh a little, once. I tried to show him how to hide in trees, but he seemed to think that was rather weird.
...You know, this is another one of those times where I feel like I don't need to recount all of the details. They live in my heart. It was a long, happy day. One I will likely always treasure.
Walter and I have been spending a lot of time with Nishi as of late. I absolutely adore the child, and I've been doing my best to keep him safe and happy. He was very sick a little while ago and I did my best to care for him... I gave him a blanket I had been keeping hidden in my den near the poppies. This morning after I woke with eyes sore from crying, I found that he had draped it over me and was snuggling against me beneath it. Nothing could have warmed my heart more... Knowing how he feels about being touched, it was a truly significant gesture for him to make. I realized that.
Later in the day, Walter took him out to play and taught him a few more fighting moves. He's such a small creature, it will be good for him to know how to handle himself if he gets into trouble when he's older. And who better than Walter to teach him?
When the day came to an end, I found him settled alone at the playground. (He tried to show me a mask Walter had given him -- a replica of Walter's own -- and I think I may have to set him down and explain blindness to him. But that will be for later...) He always seems to be alone... We talked a little, he told me about his day, and the subject of parents came up. I asked where his were, and he replied that he didn't know. In fact, he'd never had any.
So I asked if he would like it if Walter and I cared for him until he found his real parents.
At first, I thought I'd really screwed up. He began to cry and ran off. My heart sank as I listened to his retreating footsteps, not daring to chase him for fear that I might make things worse. But after a time I decided to go and find him. We talked a little more, and I found out that in truth he had been overcome with emotion, and that he would very much like to be adopted.
He would very much like to be adopted.
Our bond has already been growing strong. I have considered him my charge for some time now. But now he is my son. As much as any child from my womb, he is my son.
I won't fail him. Not Nishi. I'll do everything right. He is mine, and I will die before I see harm come to him.
I scream into the empty air, listening as my own shout echoes back at me in waves. The emptiness that follows is perfectly fitting. It presses against me like a suffocating cloud -- dark, deep, empty silence. Every muscle in my body vibrates with anger and sadness -- no, grief. Grief is what I'm feeling, mixed with the burning ember of darkness coiling within me. I can feel it swirling in my heart, a black hatred for whatever fucking entity put me in this place.
Fuck you.
This is worse than death.
And yet I only have myself to blame for every part of it. And maybe that's what hurts the most. It would be so easy to fix things. Shun Walter, tell him I didn't believe he deserved any more chances, and return to the light. I've fucked things up, but I haven't gone too far yet. I can still turn back.
But I'm not going to.
To do so would be to lie to myself, it would be to assume the role of someone I'm not. I forgive Walter for what he's done. I forgive Fletcher and Rhea for being afraid of him. I forgive Riften for leaving and I forgive Malikorin for exploding on me. I only cannot forgive myself.
I can count my friends on one hand, now. Three, by my count, are left standing. Four if you count Kaoori, but I'm not sure I can do that if I'm really honest with myself. There's nothing worse I could have done to her. That's not what a friend does. I haven't been a friend to her in a long time.
I returned Lu's flower crown.
'Thanks for being such a good mom,' he said. I should have known things could never go right for very long.
I wasn't even trying to lead him to the fawns. We were having such a good day. We had ventured to the pond, we danced in lavender and chased butterflies. We played with a pair of adorable fawns for a long time, skipping and dancing and having a blast. After they left there was a little talk about Walter feeling bad because I wasn't able to see my friends with Fletcher keeping guard over them, but I never thought... I never expected him to just... bolt like he did. He went straight for them before I could say a word.
I know why they want Walter away from the fawns. It's incorrect, but I understand the thinking behind it. So at first I just waited for Walter to simmer down so we could pick up and leave again.
But he called Walter a rapist in front of the children, and I started to get my back up about it.
Rapist.
Thanks for being such a good mom.
I can't remember all that was said, but I know we both got hurt. I would have preferred a physical fight any day. I called him pathetic and he slammed me back.
Thanks for being such a good mom.
I left when I realized Jude was crying, but not before Fletcher warned me to never come near him or his family again. And I could be sure that included Lu and Jude and Steini and all the others I had come to think of as friends.
I sink to my knees beside Nishi, my cheeks wet with tears, my heart in pieces.
I found out that Ku is Walter's son. I hadn't realized this, of course, so it was a bit of a shock. More than anything I think I was excited about the idea, but it seems they are estranged. I approached Ku about it, and I could tell right from the start that there was a lot of anger involved. But he agreed to speak with Walter. I left them to talk on their own for a while, at first sticking close and then eventually wandering off to the pond and to take a bath in the idol. By the time I returned, Walter had left and I didn't want to bother Ku. I settled down with the kids again and spent the rest of the day doing a lot of nothing.
The next day I found Ku bloodied and wounded after a fight. I offered him help, which he accepted, and I carefully cleaned up his wounds. Part of me was afraid something had happened with Walter, but I didn't smell him on the lion, so I didn't ask. Afterwards I thanked Ku for giving Walter a chance to speak with his son, to which he replied that I ought not to get my hopes up about the whole thing. I understand that, I wasn't expecting a happy tear-filled reunion after one conversation. Nevertheless I was grateful.
A little while later Lu found me and gave me a beautiful flower crown. I've been wearing it ever since. He said Bayi made it for me. And he said 'thank you for being a good mom'. I have no words for how happy that made me... I don't think I'll ever forget that.
The good and the bad. When the light shines I feel like I can fly, and when the darkness comes it blinds me.
Riften found me with Walter, and at first I wasn't worried. Riften had always been kind and easy going, and while he had shared some unpleasant days with Walter and I, I had hoped he might see past that.
Oh, Riften. I remember those days we used to share. Things had seemed simpler then, but that wasn't really the truth, was it? It had all so seemed black and white, those subtle shades of grey.
I won't recount every word that was said, it breaks my heart to dwell on them. All I can say is that I made a choice, and so did he. In his mind, I have started fading into Walter's darkness, swallowed by the inky blackness; and I've lost myself. I can't say I blame him. From the outside looking in, things are looking pretty dour.
So our paths diverge for now, though I will always love him.
And then there was the good. I found Walter with Nishi this morning, both sweating and panting and tense. I was nervous for a moment as Rhea's words rang in my mind, but I soon relaxed when I remembered how good Walter truly can be with little ones. He was teaching the youngster to fight -- something Nishi was sorely in need of, in my opinion. Nishi seemed to be in good spirits, and was taking well to his lessons. Walter even granted him a pair of antlers at one point, to help ease the pain of bashing a bare head against the trees.
The afternoon passed between the three of us so pleasantly. We played for a while, joined now and then by another fawn (who were you? Walter called you Marley, but that wasn't your real name). We laid near the playground, enjoying the feel of the warm rocks against our bellies. Nishi and I chased butterflies while Walter lay nearby and watched. I found out Walter's terrified of the pit in the ruins, so I pretended to get stuck down there just to mess with him. At one point we were inundated with fawns -- so many of them, I lost count.
Nishi suffered a brief tic attack, which confused and concerned Walter, and worried me a bit. So much magic in this forest, surely there's someone out there who can help this little fawn? I felt quite useless standing by his side, arching my neck over his little body as it spasmed, trying my best to keep him calm. Eventually the episode passed, and things were well again. I fell asleep beside fawn and stag, and dreamed the sweetest dreams.
When I woke, I found Jude, Lu, Jorah, Ku, and Steini. We curled up together and laid quietly for a while, until Tog approached and joined us. I feel so nervous around her, I never quite know how to act. She's so pure and perfect, I feel overwhelmed whenever she's near. After a while I scooted a little closer, and we sat together, our skin close enough to feel the warmth between us.
I dozed off at one point, and when I awoke she had placed a delicately-woven blanket made of flowers around me.
I woke to Kaoori approaching, and immediately my heart was in my throat. I had been dreading this moment, but I'd known it would come eventually. I felt like my limbs were made of lead as I got up and stepped carefully away from Tog's sleeping form to greet my old friend. Almost immediately she knew something was wrong, and we went a little ways away to chat in private.
She took it well. Better than I thought she would. She wasn't happy, of course. But she was... understanding. Sweet, impossibly kind Kaoori... She said she could not forgive him... or me. But somehow I feel like... maybe everything will be okay.
I suppose I ought to say something, but I don't know how to say it. It's not that I'm ashamed, I'm not. It's not that I'm afraid, I'm not that either. I guess there are just some things you want to keep inside of yourself, because to bring them to light would be to risk ruining them. And I know that's what will happen. This flower blooming in my heart will wither, if I let it out into the day. And yet, how can I keep it to myself? How can I contain something so big?
I wish there was someone I could celebrate this with. Even my own brother met the news with mixed emotions. My best friend I haven't had the heart to tell, because I know it will shatter something between us.
I first met Walter when I was a fawn. I was in love with Seth at the time (and no, Seth, I haven't forgotten you. No matter how many years pass, I still think of you and our little daughter). Walter was a monster to me. I don't know why, because I've come to learn that he's quite fond of little ones. I was just... easily spooked, I guess, and that made me a practical target. An interesting thing to poke at.
After my doe day, things changed. He brought me flowers. I still remember the first time he did that. I was high-tailing it out of there, ready to break into a run, when I realized what he was doing. No longer was he interested in kicking and chasing and nipping. He bowed, offering me the blossoms from his antlers like a true gentleman. There was something so gentle about him. That was when I first knew I was intrigued.
The years passed, and memory grows fuzzier. But that moment has always remained crystal clear to me. Him, frozen in a polite bow, offering me those flowers. We were near the bridge, I can still picture the scene so perfectly in my mind.
There are other memories, too -- flashes:
Dancing in the twilight, slowly circling one another in our funny way, through a patch of lavender, with fireflies flitting past.
Laughing about some stupid joke, for far too long.
His body close to mine, shielding me from the rain, as I cried my heart out over Seth.
The myriads of fawns we had watched grow together; babysitting, playing, endless patience and laughter. And despite what some wish to think, there were plenty. Oh, there were so many of them.
There were bad times, too. I won't deny that. He hurt me deeply, in more ways than one. He tormented my very best friend, beyond words -- he broke her. He hurt my brother, one of his own closest friends. He fathered other fawns without me -- he fought, he cursed and threatened, he made so many enemies...
And yet...
I love him.
I don't know why I've denied it for so long.
I see the good in him. I see the gentle spirit that burns beneath his spiny facade. I know the truth. I see the agony that his past causes him, the sorrow he feels at what he's done. I see the strength with which he continuously gets himself up and tries again, tries to wrestle his demons into submission so that he can live peacefully.
Walter. Dear, sweet Walter. I will be by your side until the end of time.
Kaoori. Forgive me.
If there's anyone out there that understands where I am, reach out to me. I feel so alone.
To all the rest of you, stay safe and happy. That's all I wish.
bARGES IN
?
♥
INHALES LOUDLY.
-quietly puts hand over
♥
*plops*
!!
-nudges face inbetween
edit: also can I throw some rp at you later?
Yes please, Kaoori. c:
lurkin'. ♥
Nests in here. I always love
Been stalking but haven't