1 January 2013

I don't know what to do.

Rarely have I ever felt so utterly lost and without hope.

I followed Malikorin to the Old Oak, where I knew he would be more comfortable. The walk was long and painful for me -- but it was good to stretch my bruised legs.

We entered the cavernous old tree, shaking our fur free of the snow. I could hear nothing but the sound of our breath, streaming in heavy puffs from our mouths. We huddled close, his bony body pressed protectively against mine. I closed my eyes.

Seed joined us -- I didn't mind. He brought along Scape and Sage (I was so pleased to meet Sage, he has been talking non-stop about the girl).

The four of us laid there for some time until Malik got up. I knew exactly where he was going and I didn't have the heart to stop him. Walter was near -- I had sensed him from the start.

But time dragged on after Malik left, and I began to worry. The snow deafened all sound in the forest, and everything was eerily silent. What if Walter had overpowered him, and Malik was hurt? I knew how Walter could fight, but I had never seen Malik--

Suddenly I knew I had to find them. My heart was in my throat, I felt sick. Seed wasn't happy, he tried to get me to stay. I wouldn't. I had to see what was going on.

It took a long time for my beaten body to drag itself to the ruins, but when I arrived I felt the sickness in my stomach grow.

Walter was sobbing.

He had hidden himself in the pit -- by Malik's account, there had been no fight, here. There had been only a sad old demon running from vindication and wallowing in grief.

Suddenly I was furious with him. I limped to the edge of the pit, calling for him to stand and face Malikorin as he had faced me. Where had his courage gone? Now that he was faced with a stag and no blind little doe, he could not gather the stomach to fight? Of course not.

I turned, sickened.

Malikorin and I returned slowly to the old oak tree, where we curled up together again. This time, we remained alone. I pressed my head against him, all of my anger fleeing, and willed myself not to cry.

I wouldn't cry. Not in front of Malik, not because of Walter.

But I could not stop the tears from falling silently down my cheeks, and land soft as snow on the earthen floor.

I buried my face against Malikorin's comforting form and let my tears lull me to sleep.



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2 January 2013

Riften was kind enough to serve as my guardian for the day, though really he was in worse shape than I was. We trotted together over to the oak tree -- it took some time, given that both of us were wounded. We probably make quite a pathetic sight.

Riften is quite the sweetheart, though. He tried to get me to lay down and rest, once we were within the oak -- but I was feeling unusually playful. I circled him, rubbing up on him and ruffling his feathers playfully. That seemed to scare the crap out of him.

Topsail appeared, apparently preferring to sit outside in the snow until Riften invited him in. Finally I settled down and curled up for a nap.

When I woke, Topsail and Riften were both fast asleep. I got up to play with a fawn who had wandered in to the oak. We had a bit of fun dancing, and eventually Riften even joined us. After a while Riften went to lay down in a corner and I sat as close as I possibly could, knowing it would make the poor bird uncomfortable, but needing the comfort of having someone close...

--

When I woke, Riften and Topsail were both gone. Malik had taken their place, however... and I..

Well..

It was good to see him.

I pressed my head against him, nuzzling against his chest (that's about as high as I can reach), and he seemed to tolerate my closeness. I wondered how irritating he truly found me. We settled down together, and Malik fell asleep at my side. But my thoughts were getting the better of me.

I wondered how much of a burden I had become to Malikorin. How awful must it be to have this little imp of a creature follow him around, attracting trouble and violence? My imagination began to wander and I began to imagine him rolling his eyes and sighing whenever he heard me approaching or rousing from sleep. I imagined him feeling irritated at my nuzzles, disgusted by my touch.

I got up, shaking and sick, and went to take out my frustration on a nearby tree. But it wasn't enough. I needed to run.

So I ran.

I ran until my wounds broke and bled again -- the physical pain would distract me from the agony I suffered within.

When I returned, panting and weary, to the oak, Malik was still asleep. I curled up beside him, wishing he would stir and erase all of my fears.

But on and on he would sleep.




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3 January 2013

I didn't want to be alone. I knew I needed to be with someone at all times, with Walter roaming the forests.

I found Joro laying near a tree, with a little doe I didn't recognize. I sat politely some distance away, hoping not to disturb them but needing to be near someone I knew.

It seemed like no time at all before we were joined by a whole cluster of deer -- some I knew, some I didn't. It made me nervous, being around so many deer. But I knew at least Umay and Joro were keeping a watchful eye out for Walter. I would be safe.

I began to loosen up, playing a little. I met Neiro, and we had a bit of fun playing nuzzle tag. Neiro, Malik's brother...

I can't get ahead of myself.

Walter tried to get to me several times, but was warded off by the other deer. I tried to stay as far away as possible while remaining within the group. Eventually Joro motioned for everyone to move off, and we made a long trek through the forest. I settled down beside Neiro so we could talk a little longer until Pandora appeared.

I desperately wanted to make amends with the little doe, and I tried to get close enough to apologize and beg her forgiveness. At the time I still wasn't sure what I'd done to upset her, but I needed to make things right.

Things were going smoothly until I received a nuzzle from someone I didn't know -- and that seemed to set her off. She attacked me, chasing me off until I had to hide myself in the playgound. Humiliating.

Riften and Topsail soon came over and encouraged me to come out, letting me know it was safe. I remained with them for some time until Walter approached. Riften tried to scare him off, but it didn't work.

I suddenly found myself near the pond, unsure how or why I had gotten there [player minimized TEF ffff]. Walter was standing just a short distance away. I held my breath. I told him I was sad and frightened, that he should leave me alone for a while. He went undeterred.

Finally Riften and Topsail found me, but they began fighting amongst themselves. Frightened and losing faith in my saviors, I ran off looking for help.

I found Joro -- thankfully the doe had shed her fiery-tempered companion -- and hid behind her. Joro did her best to protect me, but I sensed that she was losing her patience with me. I began to panic.

Darcy arrived, trying to comfort me. I rested for a bit, until the entire group became preoccupied with fending Walter off. Pandora stood several feet away, and I could feel her cold stare on me. I rose, edging closer to her, not sure whether it was a good idea or not. I tried to be respectful, to show I meant no harm. She allowed me to sniff her, but when I attempted to embrace her it proved too much. She chased me off.

Now I had nowhere to go. Pandora clearly did not want me near her group, and it seemed whatever she wished was law. So I ran, hoping Walter would not notice and give chase.

Outcasted, humiliated, hurt.

I ran until I reached the birch forest.

Neiro and Riften found me there. Riften watched over me for a while until he fell asleep. Then Neiro and I had a talk.

He told me the truth about Pandora and Malik.

He told me.

And I couldn't have felt more stupid.

Now I had lost everything. I had lost Walter to his rage, and a scorned hell-fire doe had ripped away whatever was left.

I could not go to Kaoori and endanger her family. I could not stay with Riften and risk worsening his wounds.





This day, I would welcome death.



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3 January 2013, Part 2

{ Couldn't sleep, had to write this. }

I asked Malikorin if he was in love with Pandora.

He answered so simply, so cooly.

It pierced me like a bullet.

"Yes."

--

Walter was near. For once, I didn't run. I couldn't. I was tired. My tear-stained face turned slowly in his direction, but I couldn't muster even the smallest of smiles. I listened as his footsteps retreated.

For a moment I assumed he had learned his lesson and had simply gone off to leave me be. I sank to my knees, feeling lower than the worms in the earth.

But Walter did return. He returned smelling of something familiar and sweet -- an aroma I could only associate with... poppies.

I heard him bending, grunting, offering me the flowers from his antlers. Only Walter would notice my specific affinity for poppies. He had never given me anything else.

I couldn't turn him away, not after I had spent the day feeling rejected and alone. I couldn't let him feel the emptiness I felt inside. So I went to him, touched him gently. He seemed to shudder at my touch, his entire body slumping with relief and sadness. And suddenly I could not contain my guilt. It had been selfish of me to think I was better than him. It had been wrong to deny his affection because he was flawed.

I embraced him, my tears returning to wash down my cheeks again.

Umay was watching.

I turned in her direction, feeling humiliated and conflicted. Walter lead me slowly toward her, and she did not flee. I wondered what she thought of me -- returning to the man she had worked so hard to protect me from.

I knew what I must have looked like.

Pathetic. Disgusting.

But that's why I wear the mask. I have always been disgusting.

I tried to get Walter to be friendly, and it seemed to work. He offered Umay a polite introduction, but Umay didn't stick around long. I didn't blame her.

I had no one, now. No one, but Walter -- the very creature I had spent so long running from.

No one but -- Kaoori.

She was watching, too. When I realized she was near and turned, startled, she took off sprinting. I swear to you, if ever there was a moment I regretted my decision to return to the forest, it was then.

I found Kaoori on her dandelion hill. She was angry with me, as I had known she would be. I tried to apologize, to grovel for her forgiveness. She eventually relented.

But of course that couldn't be the end of it.

I heard a shout, and turned an ear idly in the direction from which it'd come. It was Riften. I moved toward him, realizing that he was stomping at Walter and trying to get him to fight. I put myself between them and tried to tell Riften not to fight. It wasn't just for Walter's sake, of course -- Riften's wounds had been getting worse, I fear they've become infected and he has been feverish and weak. I just wanted the violence to end.

Riften seemed rather put-off by this, and trotted curtly away. I was left with Topsail. I didn't know what I could possibly say.

So I just did what I always do. I apologized, and ran.

I ran to my poppies, where I could lay and cry my damn eyes out of their sockets. And I did cry -- I cried until my eyes were sore and my belly felt sick.

Riften approached, and I tried to apologize. He seemed to be saying he couldn't be around me.

But I'd known that.

I had driven Walter away, and now I had driven everyone else away by allowing him to return.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.



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4 January 2013

I woke alone. My tears had dried, but there was still a lump in the pit of my stomach. It was the first day of a life I expected to be completely destitute of friendship and love.

Nevertheless, it was a new day and I was determined to make it a good one -- even if I would spend it by myself.

I trotted to the pond for a drink, unaware that I was being followed. After accidentally falling in, I decided I may as well enjoy a swim. Topsail, who had evidently been tracking me down, attempted to get me to climb back up on shore. I wasn't really keen on the idea -- honestly, I was afraid of what the fellow might do or say. I had betrayed him the night before, forsaking his protection to be with Walter. Like so many I had hoped to call my friends, I expected him to scold me, push me away, punish me.

But after a while my curiosity got the better of me. He didn't seem particularly angry... Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad.

I climbed out of the pond and said hello. He greeted me in his taciturn way, leading me around the pond to the little cliff overlooking the water. We curled up together, and I almost hoped he might have something to say. But he did not mention Walter.

I was grateful for his company, grateful that he had not turned his back on me. I felt lucky to have someone who still dared to sit beside me.

After a while, I was startled by the arrival of Vala. I said hello to her, and we had a little fun with spells, until she abruptly said a sad goodbye. My heart wrenched in my chest. Would she, too, abandon me? But no, she soon returned as happy as ever. I got up and danced with her, allowing her to bring a smile to my forlorn face.

So I had two friends by my side, now. I could live with that.

But that wouldn't be the end of it.

Umay, Lem, and Reed drew near, and I approached them tentatively. Umay I was especially nervous about. She and her friends had protected me when I was most vulnerable, but now I felt there could be no outcome other than their cold dismissal of me -- especially with Malikorin's recent rejection of my affection, and Pandora's clear distaste for my company.

I couldn't read her emotion -- but when she pulled pointedly away from my attempt to nuzzle her, I made my apology. She didn't seem affected.

Reed seemed in much better spirits. He seemed to accept my embrace, which made me happy.

Lem, however, seemed not to think anything different of me. He laughed and played, his cheerful voice bringing a smile to my face.

So that makes three.

Eventually Vala lured me off to play deeper in the forest. We romped together for some time until Vala decided it was time to track Lem down again. I was certainly up for that. I didn't want to be alone.

We found Lem sitting with two other deer, and had a bit of fun with them.

After what seemed like an eternity, the group settled down together and snuggled. After so many days of feeling alone and empty, it was good to feel so welcomed and loved.

Thank you.




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6 January 2013

I told Malikorin how I felt about him. It seems he's sold his soul to the little brat who's been chasing me around the forest for the past week.

I can't stand to be near him at the moment. I can't believe what a hypocrite he is. He dares to think Walter unfit to be near me, when he gives his heart to her? He protects her, even -- the way he talks about her, he makes her out to be a saint. Pathetic.

For once I can almost see myself as everyone else sees me -- I see Malikorin in my place, throwing himself away on a heartless little brat who throws tantrums and stamps her little feet. And Kaoori had even told me he would make a good friend, while she shuns Walter for being the very monster Malik is in love with. Funny how she failed to mention his little.. obsession.

Well that's fine.

Fine.

No more tears wasted on him. Not anymore.

The time had come to stop waiting for everyone else to love me. It was time to love myself.

--

I trotted through the forest -- for once with my head up and my face no longer streaked with tears. I knew Malikorin was near with the three newborns. I also knew I would probably not be welcome near the little ones, even if I had wanted to be anywhere near the stag who guarded them. So I skirted around them, stubbornly keeping my head turned away from them and putting a little extra sass in my step.

Let him look, let him watch me sashay by. I wanted him to hurt like I did.

I approached the stream for a drink, but was startled to find it was a little crowded. For a moment I hesitated, not quite sure whether I was feeling up to socializing, despite my newfound morale. But I found the decision made for me when I was approached by Djinn and Krystal.

After a brief introduction we set upon romping and playing together, laughing wildly like little children.

We dared each other to see who could jump the stream best; we danced; we painted ourselves red; we threw spells at one another and at harmless passers-by. I had a lovely time with the two.

Eventually we made our way to the other side of the stream, where we investigated a rather cool-handed fellow. He seemed perplexed by our energy, and nothing we did could incite him to play.

Eventually Mystress found us, and my heart almost leapt from my chest. I showered her in affection, laughing and crying and telling her how sorely I'd missed her and needed her. She had appeared, as she always did, just as I had needed her most.

So this was fate. I have to believe that this was the Gods way of saying that I had finally done what I'd needed to do. All my pain and misery had been the Gods way of telling me that I was going about things in entirely the wrong way.

I needed to find the independence I had never learned to embrace. That alone would lead to my salvation.

I don't need anyone.

I stand alone.

But I stand.





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7 January 2013

I woke to the sun shining, birds singing. It wouldn't be a bad day, today -- how could it?

I trotted through the birch forest until I came across two fawns running around together, and decided to play mom for a while. I've missed being around fawns, and it was nice spending time with them. I took the little ones to the playground and taught them how to play on the rocks. Afterwards we went on a little trot through the forest, but one of the fawns seemed to be having trouble keeping up. I ended up staying with the slower one until the little one fell asleep.

Eventually Lem found me, and he seemed quite glad to see me. I gave him an affectionate hug, telling him how glad I was to have his company. We ran through the forest playing for a long while, until I had to lay down and rest.

When I later awoke, I noticed Umay and her little ones near. At first I was afraid she might come after me for being so close -- but she didn't seem to pay my nearness any attention. Malik and Pandora were both nowhere to be seen, so I thought perhaps I'd sit some distance away and watch over them, just in case. Umay eventually approached and introduced me to one of the little ones, evidently letting me know it was alright for me to stick around. It was a great relief to me, and I felt myself relax a little. Eventually I got up to get closer and played with the fawns, dancing and giggling with glee.

Eventually Pandora showed up and I was forced to retreat further back, not wanting to start anything near the babies. When Malik showed up next I felt myself getting a little irritated and moved even further away. Topsail came to keep me company until a stranger tried to get close to the babies and started causing fights.

I wasn't in a good mood -- not anymore. It killed me to hear Malik and Pandora together, and I needed an outlet for my frustration. I tried to help get the stranger to shove off, but in the process I got a little too close to Malik and the babies -- which set off Pandora. She tried to attack me, but I was having none of her sissy fits today. I wouldn't be chased away today. I had already gotten myself wound up about the stranger being near the babies, now I wasn't going to let her get away with going off on me for no reason. I fought back as best as I could, chased her around for a while, and got a few good hits and bites in. She kicked me up pretty good, but I think I got the best of her in the end.

Riften and Topsail lead me away after Pandora moved back to the little ones. I sensed something off with Rift and Tops, I'm not sure what's going on there...

When I scented Walter not far off, I went to him to see how he was feeling. He seemed pleased to see me, and I was glad to find he was in a fairly good mood. I wasn't sure how Pandora's band of friends were feeling toward me now, so I decided it would be best to hang around Walter in case things went sour.

I eventually dragged him over toward Malik and Pandora so we could rub up on each other and be all lovey-dovey, hoping Malik might see. I don't know what I was trying to prove. Maybe just wanting him to see that he hadn't hurt me as badly as he had... I can't quite tell if he buys it.

Darcy showed up and I was glad to see him, but of course Walter was all ruffled and had to go and be a jerk. I tried to tell Walter to cool his jets because Darcy is one of the only deer currently willing to put up with him at the moment. It took some time to keep the peace, and it seemed to work.

Eventually Darcy ran off, much to my chagrin. I had hoped he and Walter would get along better. Riften approached, seeming curious and cautious. I tried very hard to get Walter to say a polite hello, and eventually succeeded in the end (with a lot of pouting and sulking on Walter's end), but Riften took off running.

I sighed and settled down next to Walter, not sure where my mind was. I regretted the way I had handled Pandora -- that was no way to warm Malikorin's heart. And even if the little doe had been asking for it, I should not have stooped so low...

Now my sass seems to have left me... I'm feeling depressed and alone. In my wild rampage I've succeeded in pushing everyone away again.

Again.

-

I found Pandora a little later. She was still with Malikorin, so I didn't want to get too close. I called her over, hoping it wasn't a terrible idea. I needed to make my peace with her. I can't feel anger for very long...

Thankfully she approached me. I gave my apology and told her I didn't want to be her enemy. I would still like to be her friend, despite everything. I'm so embarrassed about the way I acted. If Malikorin was in love with her, obviously there was some good in her. There had to be.

I gave her a brief, hesitant nuzzle -- a little nervous that she would go off again -- but she seemed to accept my apology. Relief flooding me, I returned to the little poppy patch where I'd been and curled up.

Mystress appeared as if on cue, and I took it as another sign from the Gods that I'd finally done well. I lead her over to Kaoori and a few others, where we all curled up together. Eventually Kaoori got up and moved to her daughter's grave. I didn't want to intrude, but I knew Kaoori had been having a rough time because of me lately, and felt it necessary to join her and greet her lost daughter.

I approached the fawn's grave and said hello, told her I was sorry about everything and that I wished she was here with us. Kaoori seemed glad that I could 'meet' her daughter, but I knew she wanted time alone with her lost fawn, so I turned and moved back to Mystress.



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9 January 2013

Walter has left.

It happened so suddenly.. but at least this time I was prepared for it. I was sad to see him go, slipping away into that sleep-state where no one can follow. But he promised he'd be back. Some day.

I was woken this morning by the sound of a large crowd -- the sound of laughter and spells, and the trampling of many hooves. I rose slowly, investigating what all the fuss was about, and found that a rather large group of deer had set upon peacocking Topsail. Giggling, I joined in on the fun. I met quite a few new faces during the process.. and once we had all accomplished our task and Tops had woken to sneeze it all away, I was able to meet a few of them a bit better.

Tea -- I am quite fond of her, but I've always been fond of little ones!

Alina was there, but she didn't seem to want my company today. I could tell something was upsetting her, but I didn't know what. Though I don't know her well, I tried to cheer her up and comfort her a little, but she seemed to prefer the company of Daneth, so I let them be.

Halla was there as well, though once again our interaction was fleeting.

Riften was there, of course. I mostly stuck to him, since he was the one I was most familiar with. I followed him around like a lost puppy, glad that he seemed to put up with my presence.

I listened as some sort of ordeal took place, not knowing what on earth was going on -- and was glad when it resolved itself without violence. I've had quite enough violence for a while.

I settled down beside Riften, surrounded by new faces but not feeling particularly anxious about it, while Topsail looked on. I groomed the owl-deer's feathers a little, before he fell asleep and disappeared.

I got up to play with Tea for a bit, until she began seeking out Alina. I trailed along, not really sure if I was supposed to follow or not. We found Alina curled up in the old oak, and Tea managed to get her to come out. Fletcher was there, and he seemed intent upon getting everyone rounded up and back together in one spot.

It took a long time for Fletcher to convince everybody to get moving -- I still am not quite sure what's wrong with Alina, she seemed so reluctant and sad. But eventually we found a little sunspot where a few others were already curled up -- including Halla and Chalice, and a few others I didn't recognize. I curled up contentedly beside the strangers, until Fletcher came to sit at my one side and Alina lay at my other.

I drifted off, feeling warm and content, until I was roused from my thoughts by the sound of Tea calling. I got up to investigate, and found that Alina had trotted off once again. I followed her to the pond, still feeling insecure about my presence being tolerated. I let my insecurity get the better of me when Tea came to collect Alina and the two trotted off together. I considered returning to the group, but still wasn't sure whether I was actually welcomed there or just tagging along like an idiot. I decided the better option would be to go be by myself for a bit.

Headed towards my poppies, got lost (still happens, sometimes), accidentally ended up near Tea and Alina and felt like a creeper. Eventually I found a nice patch of lavender and laid down with a sigh.

Alone again.

But maybe that wasn't so bad...

--

When I woke later that day, Riften, Topsail, and Halla were all curled up together nearby. Still feeling insecure, I sat some distance away and waited for some reaction. A stomping of a hoof or a beckoning call -- my body waited rigidly, equally expecting either outcome.

But Riften would assuage my fears, as he always seemed to. He called me over, seeming mildly confused at my insistence upon keeping my distance. I curled up beside him, nestling in close to nibble on his feathers a bit.

Mar Sart made a brief appearance, and we danced and played for a bit, while Tops and Rift remained still as statues and Halla drifted off to sleep.

Eventually Mar departed, and Riften fell asleep. With a mischievous glint in my eye, I turned to Topsail. It went unspoken.

It took quite some time for us to complete our task, but when we finally did -- giggling like children -- it was well worth the wait. Riften awoke to find himself fully bedecked in peacock attire: playful revenge for the same prank we had played on Tops earlier that day.

Rather than being put-off by his new look, however, Riften seemed to flaunt himself around, strutting and preening like a ... well, like a peacock. The three of us had some fun, dancing and playing -- much to my delight. It was good to finally see Riften in better spirits.

We were eventually joined by Ayra, who climbed up onto my back (which was quite strange, given that we're almost the same size). I fell asleep feeling happy and carefree, for the first time in a long time...



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10 January 2013

He appeared from nowhere.

It startled me, the swiftness of his nearness -- so like a ghost, like a phantom.

But it wasn't my phantom. No, it was someone I did not know -- a stranger, looming and silent, floating toward me as I sat in my poppies.

A whisper, a grin..

My face drawn with fear, uncertainty -- and yet there's something welling inside me that hopes, wishes, dreams that perhaps...

'Who are you?'

No answer.

He faded away.

--

I later found myself wandering near the pond, and noticed Riften nearby. I trotted over to him, beaming with joy, and snuggled up close to him. We had some fun hopping around and sparring a little. The sparring still makes me nervous sometimes, but I suppose it's good practice.

Darcy arrived not long after, and I invited him to join us. Riften seemed to go into overdrive trying to impress poor Darcy, and the butterfly-pelted stag wasn't really sure what to do with him. He seemed utterly perplexed by Riften's spontaneous invitation to spar, and irritated by his attempts at starting a spell-war. Ah, well.

I groomed Riften's feathers quietly for a moment, trying to calm him down a little. Darcy seemed to feel a little left out, so I went over to him once Riften had stopped bouncing off the walls and groomed his fur a little as well.

Fletcher came to investigate the three of us, and I sensed something tense between Fletcher and Darcy. Riften and I just sort of stood there, not sure what to do -- but the situation diffused without any real violence, and I was happy for it.

--

A little later I approached Riften and the herd tentatively, unsure as to whether or not I should get near. My experience with Pandora and her family had left me wary of large groups -- even moreso than I had been, before. But these deer had given me no reason to fear them -- if anything they had sort of an ambivalent aloofness with regards to me. They didn't seem to mind me tagging along all of the time, but they didn't particularly seem to notice, either.

At any rate, it was once again Riften who came bounding up to soothe my fears. We goofed off for a bit until I noticed Umay nearby. I suddenly felt tense, not sure if I should retreat or not. Pan had warned me to stay away -- but did that mean I had to leave my friends if one of her family members waltzed on by? I didn't want to start trouble, especially not if the cubs were anywhere nearby.

But it wasn't me Umay had her eyes on.

There was a moment of tense, hard silence. Then Umay went after Alina. I tried to protect Alina from Umay by blocking with my body, bracing myself to take the hits if I could. Riften was by my side, helping to guard Alina from Umay, and the other stags circled around trying to push her away.

Whenever there was a break in the violence I tried to let Umay and Alina both know that I liked them both well enough, but not the fighting. Eventually Umay seemed to trot off in another direction and the herd moved toward the old oak, where Alina had gone to hide out.

I found Darcy and convinced him to come join us near the oak, where we pranced around. I had a few spars with Riften and nibbled on his feathers whenever I could. Once, Darcy came over to groom me a bit, which was nice. Reed made an appearance and was as vague and confusing as ever. He offered me a headbutt-nuzzle, to which I had no idea how to respond. I nuzzled him back, no doubt looking utterly stupefied.

Alina was eventually convinced to come out from her tree, but only so she could sprint off in the other direction. I wish I knew what was wrong, so I could try to help the poor girl. I can't get a spare moment to talk to her, though -- it seems like she's constantly surrounded by a mob of concerned deer.

All in all it's been an odd day. I'm still testing out and learning the dynamics and roles of the group and it's all quite confusing.


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11 January 2013

It was mid-morning when I woke, a warm winter's day even for the forest. Now that the snow had gone, it seemed summer had already returned.

I stretched my sore limbs, smiling to myself. Already I had begun to feel my mood shift higher with each passing day. The nightmares had begun to fade, replaced with sunny-warm dreams and deep sleep. Though I missed Walter's presence, his departure had cleared a path for an easier life. The tense situations which had inevitably accompanied him had dissipated, and though I found myself still outcasted from Pandora and her group, and had not seen Malikorin in days, my heart was beginning to feel full again.

I found Riften, Topsail, and Su-Mi near the pond. Riften came bounding up to greet me and I laughed, nuzzling his soft feathers. We played at sparring for a bit, until we grew tired of that and simply romped around together, reveling in the warm sunny day.

Halla and Topsail joined us briefly for a splash in the pond. I fell in, and climbed out naked. Halla stripped down afterwards and we pranced around naked together, thoroughly terrifying Topsail and Riften.

I wandered off for a while, before deciding to return to Tops and Rift. I found, however, that from what I could tell they had settled in near Umay and Pandora. I wasn't getting any closer to find out for sure. I was a little disheartened, but tried not to let it bother me too much. I laid down beside a tree and dosed off until Krystal roused me from my slumber.

The jackalope and I hopped around and goofed off together, playing tag for a while and practicing our best hops.

The two of us quickly became five -- the only other one of which I recognized was Lem. In the chaos I got separated from Krystal.

I paused, listening carefully for her -- and in the distance I heard Tea crying. Concerned, I rushed toward her, and found that she was calling for Alina -- but Alina was running away. I chased after the doe, not understanding how she could rebuke an innocent fawn like Tea. I tried to catch her, but my wounds made it difficult for me to keep up at times. Tea and I chased her from one end of the forest to the other. Every time I stopped to give up the chase, Tea would be there crying and confused, and I didn't have the heart to give it up. Fletcher joined us at one point, along with Riften and Chalice.

Finally we managed to surround her in the birch forest, where she seemed to give in. I was panting hard by then, exhausted and bleeding from wounds that had re-opened.

I rested for a while, preening Riften's feathers a bit. But he seemed fed up with the situation, and trotted off back toward the ruins. Feeling disappointed and frustrated, I began to pace and wander to soothe my nerves, and it ended up getting me lost. I called out, but no one answered. After several attempts I gave up and laid down, frustrated and sad.

Riften found me there, looking perplexed. I tried to tell him I was lost, and he groomed my feathers a bit to make me feel better. He lead me over to the ruins, where I tried to tell him I wasn't welcomed. He seemed confused and rather upset -- I felt bad and was afraid I had upset him. But after a while he seemed to sigh and lead me back to Alina and the group. I doubt I could have felt like more of an imposition and a burden.

We said hello to Halla and Chalice, who were watching Alina carefully, before Riften wandered over to the playground. He seemed so begrudging and fed up. I followed like a dejected child, no longer feeling as happy and playful as I had earlier in the day. He suggested I lay down, and as soon as my belly hit the warm rock I could feel sleep overtaking me. He stood over me protectively for a while, and in his shadow I fell asleep.

Woke briefly to the feel of a small fuzzy lump nestled against me -- Tea. I felt groggy and sleepy, but did my best to rouse myself so I could comfort the little fawn. I tried to tell her it was alright, but I was exhausted and sleep soon overtook me.

When I woke, I noticed Topsail and Riften nearby. I went to them, but stiffened when I realized they were with Umay's cubs. There was a lot of negativity and stress in the air, and I learned about what had happened to Pandora. My only thought was to keep the cubs protected, and to forget about the petty things which would otherwise have caused me to keep my distance.

Riften still seemed to be in a bad mood -- as he had been ever since the chase down of Alina. I felt a little disheartened, frightened that I had done something terribly wrong but not sure what it was.

I kept my ears down and tried to get back on Rift's good side by helping he and Topsail with the little ones, but it only seemed to be making things worse. The fawns seemed angry at me, and rejected any and all of my advances. I went into a sort of panic-mode, trying to calm them down and not understanding why they reacted the way they did.

Eventually one of the fawns took off, and I tried to retrieve it. Topsail was pissed. I sulked back to Riften and the remaining cub, hurt.

Riften and I tried to convince the fawn to follow us. But the fawn decided it was going to be a bossy little thing and wouldn't budge. Thankfully Topsail soon returned with the other little one, along with another fawn I've become rather attached to as of late.

Topsail seemed to be protecting the fawns from me, which hurt beyond belief. I tried to keep myself smiling, but I could feel I was close to tears.

This was bullshit. Damn me for trying to do a good thing for once. Twice today it'd come back to bite me in the ass.

Well fine.

My fawn ventured off, and I followed -- Riften and Topsail left with the cubs. Part of me wanted to follow, but the urge to stick with my fawn was stronger (and I had the persistent feeling that Riften and Topsail were only growing further irritated with me as the day went on), so I made myself content to stay where I was and keep a sharp ear on the lookout. We played some games, eventually joined by Darcy who seemed to be in a particularly good mood.

After such a long day, with my wounds still bothering me, it wasn't long before I could barely stand any longer. I needed sleep. I trusted that Darcy would care for the fawn while I was away. I curled up beside a tree with a sigh and laid my head down. The day had begun so well.. how could everything go so wrong in such a short span of time?



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12 January 2013

I woke from a restless sleep in the early morning, my eyes sore from the tears. Nightmares had haunted my sleep once again -- a bitterly ironic twist on my thoughts just twenty-four hours ago.

I sought the solace of my poppies, my heart still aching from the previous day's events. It seemed like I was some sort of anti-Midas. Everything I touched just turned to dust.

Reflecting on this, I was startled to hear Riften approaching. I got up -- at first feeling dejected and vulnerable, and then a little irritated with him. So now that Topsail wasn't around I was good enough company?

But I knew such thoughts weren't the truth. Riften had proven to be a genuine and true friend, even despite my horrible habit of finding myself in the worst trouble possible. Suddenly I felt the sadness and stress of the past few weeks all falling out of me, and I was crying like a blubbering idiot. I need to get over this habit of bottling things up and saving them for my diary.. really. It can't be healthy.

After a good bit of embarrassing myself in front of my best friend, he gave me a confused sort of hug and preened my feathers a bit. A stubbornly refused to cheer up, bashing my head angrily against a nearby tree. He seemed insistant that I bash my head against him instead, which puzzled me to no end. Eventually he naturally did or said something which struck me as funny, and I couldn't help the smile that found its way to my lips. He seemed to take personal pride in having cheered me up a little, and that struck me as even funnier. I don't even know why, but suddenly my snotty-teared-up face was laughing and grinning like a child.

Ayra popped up and climbed onto my back, which was enough to push me over the edge. Finally I found myself back to normal, giggling and playing around like an imbecile. We got into a bit of a spell war, in which Ayra accidentally cast a naked mask on me. Frightened, I ran and hid my face in a tree so I could sneeze back my mask without terrorizing anyone with my bare face.

Riften seemed confused about that, of course, but I didn't particularly feel like explaining -- not in front of Ayra.

Eventually Ayra wandered off and Riften and I frolicked around together. We ended up going back to spamming each other with masks, and again I was hit with the naked mask. After hiding my face in shame this time, Riften was a bit more persistent in asking what the hell I was doing. I hesitated for a moment, nervous and biting my lip. Then, finally, I slowly removed my mask and lowered my head, waiting for the sound of his laughter or disgust.

But he seemed elated that I had finally removed my mask. He comforted me and nuzzled against me, much to my astonishment. I thanked him, blushing, for his gratitude, but it really wasn't needed... I quickly replaced my mask, now that the mystery had been solved, and we laid down together to rest for a bit.

--

A little later I found myself alone. I decided to wander the forest until I came across someone I knew -- but it seems my insecurity got the better of me, and I ended up sitting alone near my poppies. Topsail and Riften had taken up occupancy directly in my poppy field, and I knew the cubs were probably lurking somewhere hidden in the ruins, so I just sort of sandwiched myself somewhere between the two places. All I wanted was to be with my poppies again.

Eventually Riften came over to drag me back to where he was laying, and I trailed along dejectedly. I was still feeling hurt and rejected from the way Topsail had treated me the day before, and wasn't sure he would really appreciate having me tagging along yet again. But I did feel lonely, I did want company...

For a moment there was awkward silence, and then Topsail begrudgingly stood and seemed to give me the most non-chalant grunt of acknowledgement he could muster. He had forgiven me for whatever the hell I'd done wrong the day before, it seemed, but that didn't mean he had to be pleased that I had joined them. I sunk down beside Riften, trying to be as invisible as possible.

Eventually Topsail fell asleep, and I began to relax. I got up and pranced around, tugging at Riften's antlers and trying to get him to play. He didn't seem to be in a very good mood. I nudged at the poppy flowers and tried to entertain myself while he sat brooding and silent. Eventually Darcy arrived, but that only made things even more awkward.

After an enthusiastic greeting, I began jumping and romping happily in circles around the two stags -- but they seemed to be in some sort of grumpy stare-off. I stopped, not sure what to do, and we all just sort of stood there quietly for five minutes. I had no idea what to do, so I just kind of drifted off in my mind and thought about other things.

Eventually I got bored of this and went to chew nervously on some of the trees. This sparked Darcy's attention, and he finally swung his focus away from Riften. The stress in the air began to ease away, and eventually Riften's mood seemed to lighten as well.

Of course not everything could go smoothly. Darcy seemed to have something weighing on his mind, and eventually went to lay by himself. Riften pushed me in his direction and I asked whether he was trying to get rid of me. He seemed surprised at that and stuttered through something about Darcy looking lonely. Hmm... damn. Yeah, real subtle, Riften. Maybe I shouldn't have shown him my face..

But he seemed content to let me stay, after that. Eventually Darcy wandered back. Riften cast the peacock pelt on me, and I pranced around giggling and showing off. Darcy was not amused. My stomach dropped when I remembered that Rowan had always worn the pelt. Oops. I was embarrassed and tried to apologize, but he went off to brood by himself. Damn.

I turned back to Riften and preened his feathers a little, not really sure what to do. I had to explain what was the matter with Darcy, which seemed to upset Riften quite a lot. His reaction made me uncomfortable, I didn't really know how to respond. It wasn't his fault, it was an honest mistake.. why did he take everything so personally?

Thankfully my brother made an entrance right then -- and I quickly changed the focus of our conversation to him. I introduced the two, and thankfully there was no awkward stare-off this time. We sat down together and just relaxed until eventually I departed. It was good to see my brother and catch up with him -- and surely he'd be glad to see I wasn't hanging around a no-good thug for once in my life.

--

When I later woke, I was alone again. I stretched my limbs and listened carefully for the sound of anyone I knew. Malikorin and Pandora were nearby -- for once I didn't envy them. Let them have their love, the bitterness had utterly left my mind. I was glad Malikorin was not the lost, lonely soul I'd thought he was. He had someone, even if she was a mean little thing. Besides, now with what I'd learned about Pandora, things were starting to make a bit more sense.

But her warning still stood clear in my mind, and I avoided the pair carefully. I found Alina and tried to see if she was feeling any better. I felt insecure in her presence, feeling a little intrusive. Eventually she fell asleep and I gave her a gentle nuzzle before turning and trotting off to find different company.

I ended up with Halla and Shahla in the old oak. Halla welcomed me warmly and invited me to sit with them, so I made myself comfortable, dozing off and on.





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13 January 2013

I woke to a warm hug from Vala, who had fallen asleep curled up beside me. I stretched and yawned, prodding her a little until she woke up. We proceeded to dance around and play until my brother joined us. Vala cast Seed's pelt on me, and we all had a good laugh at it. I sneezed off my feathers and Seed helped find a deer-shaped replica of his mask, so we could be twins for a while.

We lost Vala somewhere along the way, until she came bounding up and turned me into a bunny. I had fun pestering everyone in bunny form and ended up drawing quite a crowd. I realized suddenly that with so many predators in the forest it probably wasn't a good idea to stay in such a form for long, so I sneezed it off and returned to my normal self.

That was about when my brother had to say farewell, and I wandered off a bit. I bumped into Darcy, who seemed to be in a bit of a sour mood. Still. Nothing I did could cheer him up, despite the fact that I was trying pretty much everything I could think of. Eventually he lead me across the forest, probably trying to find a way to get rid of me and have some peace and quiet.

We passed Malikorin, Djinn, and... Pandora. Wonderful. I tried to speed past, but I knew Pandora had seen me. Of course it would only get worse from there. Darcy lead me straight to Umay, and proceeded to poke at her until she practically exploded with rage. I hid behind a tree, not sure what to do. If I ran one way, Umay would get me. The other, there was Pandora.

Thankfully, Riften spotted me and helped me maneuver out of the dilemma. I made a brief encounter with Os, who seemed just as irritated with us as everyone else -- well hell, can a girl go anywhere without someone trying to throttle her?

Darcy tagged along behind us -- either he wasn't trying to get rid of me after all, or he simply had had enough of Umay's grumpiness. Either way we ended up in a little flower patch romping around together. There was a bit of tension when Darcy started a spar with Riften and was a little more rough than perhaps he should have been. Darcy is an expert fighter and was really no match for the poor younger stag.

I tried to break the awkwardness of the situation by throwing myself into the fray. Eventually Darcy got bored, cursing our energy, and laid down to watch us play. We sparred and romped, eventually trying to see who could jump over Darcy the most gracefully. Pretty sure poor D might have gotten a few kicks in there on accident.

Eventually I had to curl up and nap for a while, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my back and the comfort of having my friends nearby.

When I woke, I went to find Riften (given that half the forest seems to have decided to exile me, and I have no idea where I'm welcome anymore). He was curled up asleep beside Moss, so I settled down beside them and waited patiently for one or both of them to rouse from sleep. I ended up dozing off and when I woke, Riften had left me alone with Moss. Awkward.

I ended up wandering around aimlessly for a while, not really sure where the heck I was supposed to go. I just sort of trotted through the forest until I eventually stumbled into Riften alone in the birches, fast asleep again (really?). I sat down beside him, determined not to doze off this time.

I got up at one point to check on Alina, who was thankfully surrounded by friends and family. After a brief greeting, I took off for the ruins, where I collected a bouquet of poppies. I had heard what had happened, and had seen the crushed poppy she clung to. I knew mine would never make up for the sentimental value of the poppy she had cherished (though I did not know the exact significance, of course), but I hoped the thought might warm her heart.

I found that she had fallen asleep by the time I returned, and considered dropping the bouquet at her feet and leaving -- her friends and family were staring at me, wondering what the hell I was doing. I could feel my cheeks burn, my heart beating wildly in my chest. Thankfully she did wake, and I offered her the flowers. She seemed perplexed, not really sure what to do with them. I stumbled through an explanation and ran off, cursing myself inwardly.

Damn.

I had really messed that up. I had imagined the whole thing going a lot better. Now she probably thought I was some kind of creep.

I returned to Riften, and of course I did doze off -- and as soon as my head hit the grass, Riften was up and gone. I trailed along after him, and found him surrounded by a cluster of predators and deer -- the only ones of which I recognized were Pandora and Reed. Obviously that wasn't something I wanted to be a part of, so I stood in the distance casting my best "I do not approve of these shenanigans" stares in Riften's general direction.

Eventually he managed to wrench himself away from the crowd and hardly paused long enough as he passed me to insist that we go -- elsewhere? He lead me out into a non-distinct patch of birch forest. There was nothing special about the spot that I could tell. Perhaps he'd only wanted to put distance between the predators and ourselves.

I had fun teasing him -- I rubbed against him like a tree, which seemed to terrify him, and hid underneath him like a bratty child. We sparred a little, but we both feeling too wily and gleeful for a good match, and half the time we just goofed off and giggled together like idiots.

Eventually we settled down in the short yellow grass to chat and laze around. I find the best of friends are usually the ones who are willing to just lay around and do nothing with you. After all of the drama that had been haunting me for the past few weeks, it was nice to have a bit of innocent peace...



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14 January 2013

I woke to the feeling of being watched. At first, still groggy and dazed from sleep, I thought the years passed had only been a figment of my imagination and it was three years ago again. "Ph-phantom?" I whispered, wanting to hear the familiar shuffle of his body to curl around mine.

But it wasn't him, and the air around me grew cold with the realization that I was alone again.

I went to the pond for a drink and to splash some cold water over my face. I found Tea there, and decided to sit with the fawn for a while. I gently groomed her soft feathers and gave her the occasional affectionate nuzzle -- but for the most part we remained silent and still at the water's edge.

And there it was again -- that stare, peering deep into me.

I turned, recognizing the nameless apparition that had found me in my poppies not so long ago. I stood, hoping he would not bolt -- and he didn't. He came closer, sniffing at me so that I could feel the warmth of his breath ruffling my feathers. I wanted it to be him. I needed it to be him. I wanted to cry and yell and be angry at this stranger for tearing at my heart by resembling him so much...

"Please... just tell me who you are."

Suddenly he was gone, and Chalice had replaced his presence. I greeted the stag warmly, before settling down beside he and Tea. Eventually Alina came trotting up, and I felt my stomach lurch. Why was she here? Did she want to see Tea, perhaps? I engaged her in one of my famed awkward silences, not sure what to do.

Eventually she disappeared, and I settled back down. It wasn't long, of course, before Ezra came to stare at the lot of us. Tea got up to investigate, and I followed her protectively. But Ezra didn't seem to mean any harm, and I began to relax. Riften approached, and I was surprised to see him. I hadn't noticed him watching us earlier. I showered him with affection, but he seemed to be in a grumpy mood. I found myself only mildly disappointed at this -- grumpy deer seemed inevitably attracted to me, they had become more or less the norm in my life. I didn't mind.

I followed him as he dragged me over a ways deeper into the forest where Tea had run to greet Leo. I investigated briefly, but didn't really feel like interfering too much. Leo didn't know me, and Tea would be fine in his company alone. I returned to Riften and ended up dozing off.

I was woken by his persistent nudges, and sleepily got up to see what he wanted. He lead me off all around the forest, until eventually plopping down with a grumpy grunt in the middle of the birch forest. He stayed pretty quiet. His silence made me nervous. I wondered if I'd done something wrong, or if it was something else upsetting him. Perhaps he simply missed Topsail? I hadn't seen the bull around in a few days.

Or perhaps it was just his ear. I had noticed him worrying it a lot lately, and I could smell the dried blood and puss coming from it. I had tried to clean it out whenever he'd let me, but it seemed pretty sore.

Anyway, whatever was bothering him, I wished he would tell me what it was. It would have made me feel much better to at least know. But I didn't say anything. I would just give it time, like I always did -- and if his mood doesn't improve by the end of the day I might ask what's up his butt.

I curled up beside him with a sigh, laying my head over his forelegs as I like to do with close friends, and dozed off again. I'm sure he'll be in a better mood soon enough.

--

The two of us slept for a long time. It was nice having someone to curl up against, again. When I woke I felt as if I'd finally slept for the first time in years... Riften lay still sleeping, so I decided to make a quick venture to the pond for a drink.

On my return Riften had woken and seemed mildly panicked at my absence. I laughed and nuzzled against him, but our attention soon turned to the arrival of a stranger (I'M SO SORRY THE MAP MESSED UP I FORGOT WHO YOU WERE ;;). We had some fun dancing around and being generally silly, until the stranger abruptly disappeared. By now, Riften seemed to have returned to his old self, and we went romping and racing through the forest.

We ended up somewhere in between the birch and the pond. We sat down together and I rolled over onto my back, resting my head against his side and kicking my feet into the air. It's nice having someone to just hang out with and not worry about.

After some time we were joined by my brother. I was thrilled to see him, and eventually we all began dancing and playing together. Moss eventually joined us, along with Kartex (though sadly Kar had to depart quite suddenly). I had a wonderful time laughing and teasing my brother and friends. Eventually Topsail appeared, seemingly in a much better mood than he had been. I greeted him warmly, glad when he accepted my nuzzles and even returned them.

Finally, after a day full of romping and dancing, the lot of us sat together, sleepy and quiet. It's been a long time since I've had such an easy, wonderful day.







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15 January 2013

I spent the morning fooling around with Riften, going between feeling fat and lazy and feeling full of boundless energy. Eventually Riften found Topsail, which made me feel a little insecure, and I went to hide in my poppies for a while. I don't know what it is about Topsail lately that makes me so nervous -- especially when Riften's there.

I guess... I guess I have to admit that maybe it's just jealousy. Jealousy of what they have -- two friends who hit it off right off the bat, seemingly without a hitch. Just like that, and they each have someone. And here I am doing all the wrong things and giving my heart to all the wrong deer, and I spend so much of my time alone...

It hurts. More than some might think.

Eventually Riften persuaded me to return with him to where he and Topsail, and now Kartex, had started up a dance party. I joined in for a while, though decidedly half-hearted, until eventually letting my insecurity get the better of me again and moving off to sit alone near the pond. Almost immediately I heard Riften move closer and sit behind me. That made me feel a little awkward. He could have at least come and sat beside me if he was going to acknowledge my departure... But that was Riften, always making things kind of weird.

Eventually the whole group settled down, and I shuffled grumpily closer to Riften's side, not wanting to be the weaker one to get up and move closer, but also not able to bear having him sit behind me and stare like that anymore.

But after a while I was asleep -- a restless and cruel kind of sleep, but a sleep nonetheless.

When I woke, I woke alone.

I wandered for a while, looking for anyone who might accept my company. I found Kaoori and Wesker, but they seemed rather preoccupied... I let them be and moved on. Eventually I ran into Toukan, someone I haven't seen in so long I feared he would not know who I was. But he seemed amiable as ever, and welcomed me to sit beside him for a while.

We sat for a long time together, mostly in silence. It was nice to have another old soul by my side for a while...

Eventually, though, we parted ways. I made my way toward the pond, hoping Riften would be there -- but he was not. Instead, I found myself confronted with a rather brutish type -- a stranger I'd never encountered before. He was rough-handed and cold-shouldered, but I've always liked that in stags. I let him herd me around for a while, sitting with his odd collection of deer until Kartex joined me and sat by my side.

Kar didn't exactly make for a remarkable cuddling buddy -- in a matter of minutes I was shivering from his icy touch. But it was good to have a familiar face by my side. I needed that.

I needed someone.



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16 January 2013

I don't know who he is -- he appeared from nowhere and took control as if it'd been his right all along.

His name, it seems -- or at least what he's called -- is Schadenfreude. He is cold, strange, and difficult to understand -- but there is comfort and warmth in his presence.

I let him herd me around, feeling a sense of relief that finally someone would lift this burden of independence from my shoulders. I used to be mortal, once -- this idea of being a doe on my own has never been something I could easily wrap my head around. I've always needed the comfort of having someone to make my decisions for me.

Maybe that's why I clung to Walter for so long, why no one but those with the oldest souls understood...

Something had been tugging at my heart for the last few days, and I wasn't really sure what it was. It bothered me that Alina consistantly failed to give me any sort of recognition -- even my gift of flowers had gone unnoticed. But my feelings for her were superficial and delicate. Only a few more days of her pushing me away and I would be over it.

But there was something deeper bothering me, waking me from every sleep. I didn't feel my usual twinge of curiosity that would ordinarily have lead me to investigate Schaden -- rather, I followed him around half-heartedly, more or less in a grey daze and barely conscious of what went on around me.

If only I could put my finger on what was wrong...

What was this feeling?

Even Lem, when he came to collect me and lure me into a bit of play, could prompt little more than a hollow chuckle.

Something was wrong, but Gods what was it?

I lay here beside Schaden, with Chalice nearby. Tea and Alina are close, along with a few other deer I don't recognize. I lay with my head down, tucked under one long slender leg. They think I'm sleeping, but the truth is I could never sleep like this.

What is it my heart aches for? I can't bear this for long.

Darcy found me. He curled up beside me, rousing me from my thoughts. I nuzzled against him for a moment, continuing to pretend I was asleep before finally deciding to get up and say hello. Just then, of course, Alina went flying by. I hesitated, frozen, my head tilted in her direction. Should I give it another shot? Maybe with Darcy nearby, I wouldn't seem so invisible?

I asked him to join me as I moved slowly in her direction, my stomach tied in knots. But it seemed Darcy was not a fan of the feathered doe, and his distaste was painfully clear. I told him not to fight, which upset him greatly. He stormed off to pace and fume nearby, but I thought it was just something he'd get over. I didn't realize what effect it'd had on him.

After a few minutes of quiet interaction with Alina, she invited me to sit with her. I cast a wary ear in Darcy's direction, hoping he wouldn't mind -- but it was the chance I had been waiting for. I couldn't turn her down now. I sat down beside her, feeling a little nervous. There was silence for a while -- I wished we were alone, but Leo, Fletcher, and Tea sat not far off.

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, she leapt up with such suddenness that I leapt up with her. I was dismayed, however, to find that the cause of her alarm was the arrival of Daneth. Right.

Abandoned for the large, even-tempered stag, I turned to where I expected Darcy to be -- but he had vanished.. I spent a large portion of time trying to locate him again -- but when I did, he was clearly not happy with me. He spat at me, and I felt my throat choke with sadness. What? What had I done now?

I turned and ran, not having the heart to stay and fight, seeking solace in the shallow water of the pond.

It wasn't long before Darcy found me there. He seemed almost.. apologetic? But there was still a sense of anger in him that I sensed. Betrayal. I didn't understand it. I hadn't meant to betray him -- I did not choose friends or stack them in mental hierarchies. There had been nothing to betray, in my mind -- for he had made the choice to spit at Alina and abandon me there.

But I embraced him, relieved that he was no longer upset with me. We played a little, though he seemed to be testing me... When Schade came to round me up again, I looked to Darcy for guidance. He seemed to be waiting stiffly, as if the choice I made would determine the winner of some sort of battle for friendship that I had not been aware of. I was confused and a little irritated, but I turned pointedly toward him, letting him know that I would stay with him.

I didn't like disobeying Schade -- but I needed to put Darcy at ease and show him that no matter where I was or who I was with, I loved him. My love, my friendships... they are not conditional. I don't understand why so many assume they are...




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17 January 2013

It was a lazy kind of day -- I have to say, those are my favorite kind.

I spent the morning with Riften. He was able to lift me from my sour mood, as he always is. I don't know what I'd do without him. For a moment, all of my troubles were forgotten as we romped and played together, making utter fools of ourselves.

We spent a good portion of the morning playing with spells and turning Riften into my twin. I wish I could have seen him that way! Well, I wish I could see him at all. Heh. I do wonder what he looks like, with his flat face and feathers. It used to be that all of the forest deer had flat faces like his. Those are the faces I remember -- from way back when I was a fawn and still had my eyesight. I remember their oval faces, their flat noses and expressive mouths. Now most of the deer have long bony faces or the faces of mortal deer, much like my own.

But Riften doesn't have that soft, pliable mouth -- I have touched his face shyly, sneakily, innocently, trying to form a picture of the strangeness of his features. I know that he has a bony sort of protrusion like a bird's beak where his mouth and nose ought to be -- which is to be expected, I suppose, given all of his feathers. If I didn't know better, I'd almost imagine he looked something rather like an owl...

Anyway, I'm getting a bit off track here. Riften and I romped and played together, my heart beating happy and wild in my chest. There was a tense moment when we accidentally ran into Umay. I immediately turned and moved away -- but Riften insisted on getting closer to say hello. I cursed him silently, hoping Umay did not think it was me (for he was still dressed up as my twin). But there was no incident -- she either knew it was Riften, or didn't mind my nearness. Still, I was wary. Pandora might be watching, I didn't want to risk upsetting her.

Thankfully, Riften soon joined me where I had hidden myself near a tree, several yards off. We continued on to de drinkplaats, where several of my friends happened to be -- Halla and Tea, most notably. Halla seemed utterly stupefied by our twin status, and had a good laugh about that despite her evident sour mood.

After a good bit of fun with the Drinkplaats' magic, I settled down for some sleep.

When I awoke, I sensed eyes watching me. I turned, a little disoriented, and realized that it was Moss. I moved closer to him, giving him an affectionate nudge, and settled down beside him. We sat together for a good long while, just enjoying the sunlight. Eventually we were joined by Leo, Tea, Fletcher, Su-Mi, and a few others who came and went. I wanted to say hello to Tea, but Leo still makes me a little nervous. I had fun playing with Su-Mi instead, though she seemed wary of bringing our rowdiness too close to the group.

Eventually I wandered off toward the pond, where Schade found me. I let him herd me around for a while, eventually settling down in the shallow water while he stood guard. My brother joined me briefly, worrying slightly over Sage. I tried to reassure him, but of course I could not really be sure if his fears were unfounded or not...

Eventually he departed and I got up to take a little swim. I ended up trying to push the boundaries with Schade, trying to figure out where his buttons were. I had already noticed that he seemed to sink away from my touch -- so I tried to see just how close he would allow me to get before shrinking away. This seemed to irritate him, obviously, so I eventually gave it up and went back to playing the part of the obedient little doe.

Reed showed up, which frightened me at first. He seemed only interested in getting a drink, but then he hung around as if a second thought had struck him. I felt his cold eyes on me, watching. There was a moment of tense uncertainty. I didn't know whether Schade would start a fight or not. I know I'm not much of a prize -- just one doe, and blind at that. But some stags will grapple over anything.

Thankfully Schade seemed uninterested in fighting. He wandered off and I stuck to Reed a bit until Darcy showed up and re-claimed me for himself. I was silently thankful -- I'm still not sure what Reed truly thinks of me, and his presence sometimes puts me on edge. I stood resting my head against D for a long while, comforted by his presence and lulled into a feeling of sleepy security by the feel of his warm skin against mine and the sound of his heartbeat. Eventually I curled up underneath him and dozed off, feeling safe and comforted.

Perhaps I'm not as alone as I'd thought...



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18 January 2013

I spent the morning with Schade, though I must admit his company is getting a little tiresome. His refusal to allow touching is rather depressing -- I thrive on physical contact, it is my only connection to the world. When it is just the two of us, I need someone to lean against, nudge, nibble on. But he'll have none of that.

Even so, I allowed him to herd me around, not having the heart to leave. Even if he was a cold creature, it was nice having someone to take the lead.

I spent a good portion of the morning keeping Schade away from fawns until he made a show of protecting one from a passing stranger, and I decided maybe he wasn't so bad with the little ones after all.

Eventually I sensed Umay nearby. I got up, feeling nervous, as Schade told me to stay put while he went to investigate. I waited, wondering what would happen -- and after a moment, he brought Umay back with him. I sighed, bowing to Umay before trotting away -- that was fine. It was about time to move on and find someone who'd let me hug on them, anyway.

But Umay was following me. Wait, what? I sped up a little, she sped up a little. I started to panic. Was she hunting me down? What had I done now?

Finally I reached Tea, Alina, Fletcher, Leo, and a few others. By now I was in a state of breathless panic, and I could hear Umay closing the gap behind me. I wriggled into the group of familiar deer, my ears slicked back against my head. But Umay, when I turned to her, did not seem angry. She seemed... confused?

What? So Pandora had made me the threat of a lifetime and had failed to tell anyone else about it? What kind of back-handed business was that?

I frowned. "Umay?" I tried to tell her what was wrong, why I had been avoiding her. But it was difficult, in the swarm of deer, to get my point across. I tried to tell her that I loved her, giving her a gentle nudge of her cheek, which she accepted -- though she seemed a little bewildered. I was saddened. So it had not been a group decision to expell me from Pandora's family? Did Umay have no harsh feelings against me? I had assumed that this had been the case -- perhaps she had been fed up with the business about Walter, or irritated with some other stupid thing I did. Her children certainly did not like me. But it seemed Umay truly did not understand why I was avoiding her.

My heart was breaking.

This was the worst kind of unfairness.

I admired Umay, wanted to be around her darling cubs and her family. I wanted to see Malikorin again, to have his comforting presence nearby. I longed for Joro's motherly protection. But Pandora had warned me. I had thought.. I had assumed..

I curled up and felt the tears building behind my eyes. I felt Tea nestle beside me, then Fletcher and Alina. Su-mi joined us. Eventually the entire herd seemed to be around me, sitting quietly. I closed my eyes, shivering.

After a while I began to feel better. I turned my head and gave Fletcher a shy sort of nudge, a thank you for his protection. I turned my head the other way and noticed for the first time that Alina seemed to be shaking. She was so bony... So weak. I wanted to lay my head over her and tell her it was okay, but I had no idea what was the matter and she didn't know me that well...

So I just contented myself with sitting quietly beside her, hoping her fright would soon subside.



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26 January 2013

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been struggling with my emotions as of late -- it seems once again those I love most have vanished. I miss my brother, it seems we are always just missing each other. And Riften, the comfort of his warm feathers and awkward laughter... I know my brother wouldn't be avoiding me, but maybe.. maybe Riften is.

I have been spending most days with Schadenfreude. His presence is not exactly comforting, but it's.. it's something to fill the void, I suppose. I've given up on trying to pester him with touches, and resigned myself to a world of dark emptiness. He is often with Sabine, but she and I hardly know each other.

I sit for hours with him, nibbling on grass and dandelions, feeling cold and alone. Schade is rather a lazy fellow, but I don't suppose I mind. I have nothing else to do, after all.

I've been thinking about picking up a hobby of some sort. I often hum and sing when I am by myself -- as of late, I do think it has been improving. Music has always been dear to my heart. Perhaps I ought to find someone to carve me up a wooden flute of sorts..





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