Note: This is just like my previous blogs, it's not specific to Kiyoko and Virgil alone just because he is in the title (: all forest interactions will be recorded here.







Sparrow is healthy, strong, and does not sing for me anymore. But my promise will not be broken -- I will sing back if you ever return to me from that golden place you now call home, my pure one. You have found your heart and run, but I will still be behind you if you are to ever look over your shoulder.






It feels like a dream.
Is this... me? All me?
... I look at him, and I think it is. I'm so used to his smell... And when I saw his missing antler, and the wound to his muzzle, I wasn't afraid. To break an antler isn't easy, a-and I think to do so he must have fought with all his strength for a reason. I didn't question him.
He never questioned me...

"... Virgil,"
I begin, resting my head against his shoulder.
"I-I want to tell you something."

He supported her.
Looked back to meet her eyes and listened.
"What is it, love?"

They were not alone this morning, but never the less, she had his full attention.

"U-Uhm... W-Where I came from."
I-It is harder than I thought, e-every time I think of him I... N-No, I must tell him.
"In my fir... f-first season, I... I had a son."
I said the last part quickly, I-I wanted to get it out. My chest feels tight.
"... He was still born. I named him Kusa... I-It means grass..."
My voice went quieter, almost a whisper as my insecurity grew. I lower my head and press myself against him, clinging... I hope he doesn't... I-I hope he doesn't leave.
"I want to know... I-I want to know if... If we were to have a fawn, it would be important because it would be ours... N-Not just because... I-I am a doe, a-and that is what I exist for."

What i-if I can't... F-For him, either? -- W-What ifhedoesn't... D-doesn't love... me... enough. I-I know he has fathered many... I-It must be important to him, andIca-can't...
"... And what if I... can't...?"
Would you still love me?
I sniff, eyes welling. I can't bear the thought of being discarded again.

She did not need to be upset, he thought.
He hushed her by pressing his maw lightly to her shoulders and grooming there.
This reassurance had always relaxed her before. And as he tried to calm her he thought of all she had confessed to him.

"If we were to have a fawn, it will be important. It will be our family.
And if you can not, nothing will change between us:
I will still be yours, as you are mine.

... It is okay this time."

I listened to him as groomed me... I calmed down almost instantly.
I want to someday speak like him... So confident, strong. Not mincing any words, not... n-not tripping and being so afraid.

Even though I'm happy for what he said, I still cry.
Perhaps it was just the sheer relief that maybe... maybe I could let go.







A long silence passes while I control my tears.
All he said was all I needed to know to be sure.

I'm smiling.

"Virgil, my love..."

Smiling so much that I almost wanted to laugh.

... I'm carrying your fawn."






!





We get up and caress each other, jumping and laughing. His triumphant bugle is what made me smile the most... I'm so happy, to see him react in such a way.
He's truly wonderful... A-And I know he's take care of me, now, even if the fawn doesn't...
It's too early to think about.
I don't want to think about it... n-not right now.

A doe walks up to us, I-I had met her before. I wasn't as afraid of her this time... I-I think she heard Virgil's call, and nuzzled me... It was... nice, t-to nuzzle back without trembling.
I think I'm too excited to be afraid.

She went away though, just up the hill to... t-to the big scary stag Virgil took me to see before. H-He didn't try to meet me then, either... M-Maybe he knows that I'm afraid of him. Virgil tells me that his name is Gehirn, and is Trees' mate, a-and that they're expecting a fawn too...

I-I like that he's proud to show me to them... I-I want him to be proud of me.
Whatever happens.





I don't have a care today...
My life is running fast.
I'm pregnant...
I wonder what it will be like. A girl or a boy?

If it is a boy, I want him to be an image of his Father. Strong, proud, roaming the forest as if it is his. Unafraid.
If it is a girl... I don't want her to be like me. I don't want her to grow up being afraid of the world like I was, I want her to... have control. Headstrong. Brave.

But I shouldn't get too excited.
I-I know the odds of me baring a healthy fawn are slim.

I'll try.


Hm. I think running is good for me. My leg doesn't hurt at all anymore, I haven't limped for a long time... it went around the same time as Rokujou.
M-Maybe everything linking me and my memory to Akane goes with each passing day.
I smile more now, and don't hesitate to go out of the birch forest anymore.
This place is safe, Virgil is safe, and if everyone else can have fun then so can I.

Though... I still find meeting others difficult. I'm happy Virgil understands and isn't pushing me to meet anyone. I like it just being our time together, where we can finally have fun together without him having to worry about me running away or staying behind.

"I want it to always be like this."

I like the statue that makes everything white... I find it fun to make sleeping deer white, even though it disappears before they notice. Virgil looks very nice in white, I wonder if I look nice... I-I did see my reflection in the pond for a little bit, a-and I think I looked prettier than normal.
I can't get enough of this water.
So clean... Virgil took me further in just before it became deep, and it's so clear that you can see the fish. I liked watching them, but Virgil's walking on water trick confused me... a-and when he accidentally fell in, he looked like that plain deer without a name. So I ate mushrooms and pinecones and used the forest magic to try and make him look like he was before.

I-I think I ate too much though. I feel a bit... sick. And Virgil has to leave.

"P-Please don't go..."
I didn't want him to leave, n-not while we were so far away from home. But he lead me back to the birch, and nuzzling him goodbye seemed easier.

Sleeping in my patch of grass, hidden, got me thinking about the fawn again.
Where should it be born? Here would be perfect if it was on high ground, the grass would hide it completely and keep it safe.

I-I know I shouldn't get my hopes up...
B-But I want to get it right if it happens.
I want the perfect place, high, dry and sheltered, but open enough so it is warm in the sun... perhaps by a tree.

I-I will start looking when Virgil isn't around, t-to keep me busy. And I can show him places when it's nearer the time.





I can't help it...
I have been thinking about two spots, a-as a birthing den... this forest has nothing like the thickets back ho--
- Where I used to live. The forest was more dense, hollow bushes.

I showed Virgil two spots, without saying why I'd circled them... I'm not sure if he understood, but he scent-marked the trees anyway.

I like it when he does that.
To keep others away.

I keep craning my neck to look at my stomach, to see if anything is visible yet. Not yet, I-I don't think... But I'm small and skinny, so I think it will be very noticeable later on.

Virgil took me down from Red Hill to go to the Pond... I-I didn't realize I was so hungry, and without really thinking about it, I started digging up the pond weeds in the water, the ones... the ones Virgil use to give to me.
Why does it seem so long ago?
Up on Red Hill, we touched cheeks gently just like we used to... a-and he's been grooming my shoulders every chance he gets.
He treats me so well.

Who's this he's called over?
She looks like... Poltergeist... I-It can't be, she...

It's her daughter...
"Sterre... H-Hello."
She's really nice, just like I remember Poltergeist being. Virgil pointed out a really, really tiny dandelion when we were playing which made us both laugh, a-and I had fun looking for others. Dancing is still something I need to get used to, though.

K-Kaoori... I'd met her before, but not the other one, Noe...lle? She's very pretty... I-I find that it's hard for me to i-interact when there's lots of them... I-I stuck with Virgil for a little while before trying to play with them. I-I tried, but... i-it didn't feel good, sick... feeling. Suddenly I-I found it hard to be aware of myself, because there was so many around me. I-I didn't even notice the red one behind us until the last minute.
H-He wasn't wearing a skull this time...
B-But the red...
"I-I don'tl-likeit here anym...-more."
I saw it. V-Virgil's tine, in his leg. T-That's who he fought.
S-So why was he saying it was okay?
I-It's not okay, n-never okay. He doesn't understand h-how much he reminds me of... of... Akane. Idon'twant to be reminded, I-I don't want him anywhere near me. T-Those scars... I-I bet he's killed just like Akane too.

I hide behind a tree before running off to the birch forest, b-back home.
...
"I-I don't feel very well."
I need to try and tell him... t-tell him about Akane, what he did to me, m-make him understand.





I know Virgil will be absent for a while... I-I can't tell whether I feel unwell because I miss him, or if it is because of the fawn.

Hn... So tired.

The forest looks so pretty... I love how everything is tainted pink, I-I feel... Feel like this is my favourite time-

I hear someone...

"Ah--...!"
H-He's huge... I-I've met him twice, now, b-but he always frightens me the first time. B-But I know he's nice, he-he's a close friend of Virgil.

"Hello Kiyoko. Virgil has asked me to watch over you."
He approaches carefully. They'd met twice before, but he didn't know how welcoming she would be with the forest being so busy.

"Oh... I-I see. Thank you, Iaurdagnire, S-Sir."
It will be good to have something so huge to watch out for me, especially when the forest is like this... I-I'll feel safer.

Ergh... I feel sick.
Headache.

I had to move, though... s-someone sat next to him, a-and I had to move... Had to...

"N-Noelle? Noelle..."
I repeated her name twice, j-just to be sure. I-I'm happy that... s-she remembers me, even though I didn't really play much before...
"I-I'm sorry but I... don't feel very well. Would you mind if I slept? D-Dag isn't too far away, too."

A gentle smile, a soft nod of her head, both in greeting and understanding. Swiveling ears told of her protective nature. "Rest as you need to, Kiyoko." Her voice is hushed, as if careful to not break the glassy twilight.

"Nn... Thank you."
T-There was something about her, then, that I really liked. A s-sort of... watching, look, like she knew. Sh-She knew I needed to see it to feel safe.
I'm glad she's here... A-And I'm glad Dag stayed where he was. Strange, t-that deer came to him suddenly.

I lay my head down and look back at Noelle briefly...



... I wonder if I might find some feathers like hers one day?


I hear that sound again, a heavy approach. I-I think it's quite comforting, t-that I can place those long thudding hooves as Dag's. I could instantly tell it was Virgil's giant.

Trotting towards them from where she had bolted, Dag stood a short distance away and bowed his head at both of them.
"I am sorry for that. I stayed there so they would not follow you. Noelle is very good company.
He smiled warmly,
"Rest well. I shall come and see you soon."

"T-Thank you, Ia-.... Dag."
I smile... I-I don't feel too sick anymore.

There was a time when I had no-one...
A-And then Virgil, Esll... A-And suddenly there are two deer who Virgil trusts enough to place me in their charge. And once more, th-they're happy and willing to look after me.
Noelle tells me even Kaoori came to say hello.


...

I wish for my fawn to grow up knowing these deer.
Knowing only security and happiness, a far cry from how their mother grew.

"Thank you for... for staying with me... Noelle."

My voice is long and dreary as I slowly doze off to sleep.

[Really bad lag, thank you so much for putting up with her. Hopefully it'll be better next time.]





Virgil... Oh how I'm happy to see him again. I sit quietly next to him as he sleeps next to a d-doe and a fawn in between. He soon wakes up and smothers me with affection, a-and I return it... always.
"I've missed you... I-I -- we -- are fine."
I glance back and down at my stomach, I-I'm bigger than when he saw me last...

I-I like the rain... Rain has always been a good thing, i-it used to be my only source of water. But now... I-I can enjoy it without worrying how long it was last or when it will come again.
He shelters me... my Love is such a gentlemen.

"I have missed you too. So, so much."
He replied with a warm smile, not even the chilly weather could dampen the moment.
"I am glad you two have been safe."
With that he looked over to her belly-- their fawn, offering his head for hers to lean against even as he stood.

I'm too excited to sit still, and we're soon running around with the fawn I found him with. Is this what it will be like, with a fawn? Playing all the time... I-I think I'll like that. I get tired quickly, t-though... I'm not as big as others. My mother said I was born early before the cold, s-so I've always been petite and take naps a lot usually anyway. I hope they don't mind me falling asleep... the fawn came and s-sat next to me, so it could be sheltered by Virgil too.

I-I hope he doesn't mind getting wet.

When we woke up, Virgil lead us into the Oak. It's so dry and cosy... t-though I am put on edge by the amount of deer it attracts. Voxraati came, f-fire... b-but he's... nice... H-He let us stand around him, because h-he was warm. I-I'm still frightened of him though, s-so don't really... um...

Rokujou liked him...

"..."

A... grey doe keeps trying to be close to Virgil.
I don't like it...

She gets too close, a-and I scare myself by vocalizing at her. She moves away, a-and I feel embarrassed... Virgil moves and leads me back into the oak.
"... S-Sorry..."

Sterre comes, a-and then I notice Spyrre was already in the Oak with us. I-It makes me feel better when I know who is around me in such a small space. Voxraati was making everything warm... and I soon felt drowsy again so sat down against the wall. Virgil sat with me, and I thought Sterre would come out of the rain as well, but she ran off... S-So I got up and called for her to come back. S-She didn't listen, o-or didn't hear me... Virgil is louder than me, and she still didn't come back.

"/-"

Her mother was so nice to me... a-and I just want to... know her daughter, I-I guess.

"/-"

Hng, I keep sneezing.





The Endless Forest wasn't like the world he came from, raw instinct was often replaced by a more human view of things. Virgil however maintained his more primal mindtrack, especially during early autumn.
To be in love was to be honest with one another, and that is why he had to tell her this. To look very closely and one could tell he was nervous, maybe even scared. Funny how a doe smaller and even fragile had the power to intimidate a Hart like him.
"Kiyoko..."
Hesitation.
"I have something I need to tell you, and I fear terribly it will be to your disliking.
I do not wish to cause you pain, love..."
He took his place beside his beloved, offering to groom assuringly behind her ears. Might not work he was so nervous.
"Back in the world I came from, our kind did not experience love. We relied on primal instinct with the purpose to survive and pass down our lines to the next generation.
Although this world has changed me, enough to experience love. This instinct stayed."
He paused again.
"Kiyoko, I need you to trust me.
During the rutting season, I had met another doe, and she too carries a fawn. I am the father.
Between she and I, there was nothing more than this instinct. But now, I have to look out for her and her fawn. I will do so as a friend, and nothing more.
She will never have what we have. You and I are family, and our family; you, our fawn, will always be my first priority.
It is not all instinct between you and I. That is a promise."

With the truth out, Virgil emitted a deep sigh, raising his head over his mates' in an embrace, hopeful that she would not take this too badly... Such hope may be too much to ask for.

I sit still a-and listen... I-I feel frozen, a-and I don't bl-blink until the whites of my eyes sting and force them shut.
I... I-I know the instinct, I-I do. It was how it was... until... until A-Akane took it away from me. Showed me... I-I could just be the only one.
I und-understand, but... Still this other doe...
"... I-If you promise you'll--... I-I believe you."
I return his embrase, rubbing my snout into his fur as if I-I missed him when he just talked about a-another.

Wh-What if m-my -- o-our fawn -- dies, w-what if...! H-Hers lives, t-there'd be no reason for him to stay... F-For me...
No. H-He said he loves me. H-He promises.
"... I l-love you, Vir--Virgil."
Damn my stutter.





"V-Virgil!"
H-He limped toward me, he... he looks like he's in a lot of pain. I rush up to him, feeling a little frightened.
"Who... Wh-Who did this to you?"
I am afraid for him, w-wondering what I can do. I-I thought grooming him might help, b-but he flinched.
"You... I-I don't... P-Please don'trisk y-your lifebecausewh-what if-"
I-I panic when I think... w-when I think of what would ha-happen if someone... i-if he was taken away from me...

"K... Kaoori? Kaoori."
T-There's an inflection in my voice when I greet her, I-I'm not used to knowing a lot of names... I-I get confused sometimes. W-When Virgil's scary friend started walking towards us I-I got scared, and Kaoori went into the grass s-so I copied her. Feels safe...
"H-He frightens me, t-those antlers... e-eyes... H-He stared alot before a-and-- I-I'm sorry."
M-My chest is tight. Virgil isn't sitting close to me a-anymore... I-I disappoint him, I-I know I d-
"Ahn!"
It hurts it hurts it hurts.
There is a shooting pain in my belly, but only for a moment. Enough to make me feel sick, though... T-This stress, m-maybe it isn't good for the fawn.

"He is safe... it is okay.

... !?

Kiyo?"

He moves closer and lays so his chest is against my stomach... the warmth is soothing and calms my breathing.
"... I think we're okay. M-Maybe I should eat..."
We move to the edge of the birch forest where the blueberry patches are. I try to tell him to sit down on the hill so he could still watch over me, but he insisted in coming to graze with me. We eat our fill and... and I do feel a lot better.

We nuzzle and embrace each other as we always do, and he cheers me up by rubbing his nose side to side against mine. I-It sounds silly b-but I like it and it made me giggle to do it back. I love our moments like this...
(ooc: holylolzers, deer eskimo kisses)
"I feel a lot better now... We can go back."
My stutter doesn't b... other me as much when I feel more confident. And I... feel really proud as we take a stroll back home. The fawn is a more prominent feature of my body, I-I can feel its weight shifting me from side to side when I walk. And even though deer come and go as they please, I feel safe here, because in my mind this is Virgil's territory. Many of the paths smell of him... A-And if I'm ever without him, I know I can go to his hill and be surrounded by his scent.
"Hnh... What a nice view."
I sigh as we sit down together. I think it's... natural, to want to cuddle with a-another as the weather gets colder. I'm... I'm glad I-I have someone to do that with, this winter.

I don't think I'll ever feel cold beside him

"Goodnight, my love."





I haven't seen snow for a long time... t-there isn't much of it on the ground, but the sky is a nice colour and somehow feels... warm. Virgil is there when I wake up like always.

We run around for a while a-and I make sure to always steal a chance to nuzzle him. He's so warm and comforting... S-Sometimes it feels like I forget that we're together, and it makes these moments feel new every time.
"I didn't know humans had been here..."
Virgil brings me to the ruins after stopping to place poppies in his antlers... I-It makes me smile, because they're what I remember for... f-for I guess what I can call my past, now. He'd leave a poppy every time...

There's a big pit in the ruins, and I find a way to hide myself right inside it and disappear. I think I'll remember this place for when I'm really s-scared and not in the birch forest. But I guess it's a popular place... lots of deer came, so we move on. There's a stag at the top of the hill calling, and Virgil takes me t-to him.
"Your Son?"
I-I could tell it was. He's quite handsome, a-and he's really... animated. He's so funny! He made me laugh, b-but I think he was trying to call someone over and got a little frustrated. He leaves us for a while.
"... I-I would be very happy, f-for us to have a son... Lucian is very nice."

I burrow into him as I begin to think how c-close it is now. I truly hope he will be there f-for the b-birth... if... o-oh no, I-I don't want him to see if-if it doesn't make i-

...

I can see Lucian, and he has a doe with him... s-she's pregnant too... I-It's her, t-the one Virgil told me about. She's walking towards us slowly, her head held high... I can feel my haunches bristle. I-I don't like this, I-I don't like her... I-I don't want to be near you yet...
My stomach hurts just knowing her fawn is Virgil's. I feel sick. I cling to him but don't say anything.

She sniffs me, and I grudgingly sniff her back. That's all. I step back every time she steps forward.
W-Why must it be so hard? I sit down to wait until the ache goes away. Virgil sits next to me, and the doe sits further back by the tree.
Good.
S-She's a dominant doe... I-I'm not. S-She could push me away if she wanted Virgil... B-But she doesn't. I think... I-I hope she sees her position the same as how Virgil explained to me.
Suddenly there's a strange noise, and I open my dozing eyes to see a deer in front of me shouting.
"-W-What's going on?"
Virgil and Lucian are quick to stand in front of him. H-He runs off, Lucian running after to distract him, but he comes back. I retreat to behind a tree and Virgil shakes the poppies away the threaten them... T-To my surprise, the other doe stands on the other side of the tree and does the same.. p-protecting me...

H-How can I think bad of her now? I...
"... Thank you."
I say timidly and nuzzle her once. I-I hope that's enough... I-I can't get past the fact her fawn is Virgil's. I shouldn't be like this... I-I was in a herd, once, that is the way it was. T-Though if that were the way it was in this forest, too -- everyone in a herd -- I wouldn't love Virgil... a-and I probably wouldn't be here right now...

We're back in the birch forest now, and the doe leaves. I feel... agitated, b-because of the awkward ache in my stomach and the stress of... o-of... t-thinking too much, I-I suppose. Worrying. I-I don't know, I just want to sit down so I hastily trot up onto red hill and lead Virgil for once.

"I'll just sleep for a little while... I-I'll feel better."
I smile and make myself comfortable at his side, sinking into his warmth.

Everything is quiet when I wake up. There isn't a deer for miles...
"Nn, I feel so much better."
Nuzzling him is euphoric... I-I go to do that thing where we rub noses, and he knew and did it at the same time. Something that is just... our little thing to do. I love it... I love him...

"What are you doing?"

I giggle to the point where I almost can't stop. He's walking in little circles, then does this little... not a dance, but he moved his legs like he's cold. I give in and do the same, and it's... i-it's fun, in a strange way. Maybe it means something... I-I don't know, but I do it anyway. Then him. Then me. It's like we're talking...

"It's snowing, and I don't feel cold at all."
I smile at him.

I'm lucky, aren't I.





M-Maybe Gehirn isn't so scary... h-he looks more playful with that other deer than the first time he tried to approach all... all... scary and staring. A-At least he understands, I think.

I've been wanting to move a lot recently... carrying a fawn is... uncomfortable, now that it's bigger. Virgil is being so patient with me... I want to run around at first, nothing too strenuous. We just move around trees at first, but then stop. I do like cuddling him...

We play a lazy game of hide and seek around a tree, and Virgil is pretending to be the submissive one. It made me laugh... oh, a-and our little dance thing as well...
"It is times like this that I feel the safest... Love, you do so well t-to keep me relaxed."
Even rearing keeps me occupied. I think it's good for me, stretching... m-maybe it is good for the fawn too, f-for me not to sit down for too long. I do get tired though, so I ask him to sit with so I can sleep for just a little while.
"You've always been so patient with me..."

He would groom her a little as she rested, sometimes a little lick on the forehead.

"I have been thinking a lot as of late... Perhaps we should seek more safe places for our fawn, soon. We could give them the best chance we can somewhere elusive.. perhaps near a view point..."

I stay silent for a while, enjoying his affections. H-He's right though. I have been thinking of places... b-but I can't seem to settle.
"Can we look for places, together? Oh... V-Virgil look, there's a fawn with us."
I open my eyes and see a fawn sleeping next to me.

"Of course we will." He smiled and rested his head carefully upon his partner's shoulder. He dared not startle the sleeping fawn, this is like a picture of what is to come.

I can't help but feel drawn to the fawn, thinking... that could be mine -- ours -- sleeping next to us soon. I think Virgil feels it too...
I stand when I hear hooves running around me, and there's a small deer that Virgil finds amusing. I'm... not frightened of him, for some reason. The way he looks... s-something magical about him that is different. There is another who comes, and he has a face like I've never seen before. I-I'm spooked by him, but he comes again as a fawn and that feeling goes away... He-He's kind of funny, actually.

We are left alone again and I decide we should start looking for a place for our fawn. I go to the nearest patch of dense grass on the small hill we are on, but Virgil doesn't think it's suitable. Suddenly he has an idea, and leads me out of the birch forest into the bowl of blueberries. I could easily disappear in there, and so could the fawn, but... the land is low and enclosed by trees. The feeling of being trapped, not protected... Virgil understands, and I look for a place closer to him.

It needs to be on high ground... away from the nooks of trees and any places a newborn could drown in heavy rain. A small patch of dense grass, with a view all around. Not far from Red Hill so his Father can watch from afar without worry, and not far from the valley behind where I sleep. A place where it can be safe, but not indulgent so it will want to cling to there... When it is old enough, I will want to move it down into the thicker grass in the valley where I sleep so I can be confident to leave it when I have to. They will disappear in my home just as I.

I circle the spot I find that fits everything I want... if it isn't a big enough area, there is a line of more grass just to the side incase it needs to be moved early.
"... I think this is a good place. L-Look -- your hill is placed perfectly. It could be the first thing our fawn sees and learns to mean his Father's safety..."

Virgil nods, and I'm so happy he does... H-He starts scent marking the area right away. I'm so excited...

We finally sit down there together, and he invites Noelle over. I'm happy to greet her and share this place with her.

Virgil is already a good Father... I-I know I can be a good Mother if given the chance. Fawn... Can you hear in me there? I wonder... I wonder if you know how much you mean to me already.
Please... please, don't be another blade of grass...





It is a cold morning... but the sky is clear and the sun is warm on my back. There is a white doe sitting next to a tree not far off, but I'm too tired to move or pay much attention to her. I yawn and close my eyes, and when I open them again Virgil is sitting next to me.
"Nn... M-Morning."
... W-What are those things?
"Love, what are those things in your antlers?"

"Good morning love.
They are candles, sometimes other deer will give them away, but only to certain antler shapes. They light in the dark."

"O-Oh okay..."
I-I think I remember seeing them on Poppies, E-Esll. I was afraid at first because the "light" part was fire... I didn't know you could have them without that part. Virgil lets me look at them more closely, and I-I accidentally got too close and licked one... i-it didn't taste very good...

There is a little deer with us who looks very cute. Another friend of his I expect.

"I think... this is all of my winter coat."
I still can't moult properly... s-so I have really thick bits, and really thin bits. I look more stripey in winter because the winter hair is always darker and thicker. S-Silly but... I-I've grown to like it...

"... E-Eph... Ephire?"
It seemed so long ago that I saw him... The R-Raven. I'm not scared of the scar anymore... Virgil has lots on his face... m-maybe I'm used to them...

We're all sat in my patch of grass... I-I like that...



I-I fell asleep again. It's his fault for being so warm...





The first day of the year... it's so cold, but there's something magical about it. My eyes are heavy and I feel... tired, like I've been up for days.
"Kmn... Virgil..."
I rest my head on his back, and my stomach gurgles. It feels like I'm hungry, but I'm not. The fawn has moved a lot these past few days... s-something isn't right.

I have to move.

I get up and walk in a few circles... wincing, n-now and again. T-This feels strange. Virgil is grooming my shoulders, calming me down... i-it can't come, n-not now. It's too early.

"My love, Kiyo. Is something the matter? Are you well..?"

I-I look back at him... scared. I-I don't know.

"I... T-The fawn, i-it might be nothing, but..."
There is a pain... a-a... I call out, i-it hurt that much. Virgil rushes to groom me again... I-I know for sure now.

"I-I think i-it isn't going to wait... i-it's t..t...t-too early, what if... oh, V-Virgil, it's too cold, i-it won't be--"
I sit down, I-I can't panic... but... b-but... it can't be born this early, I-I had seen them before, t-they never survived... no... no...

"So soon..?
Please, try to calm, it--you-we will be okay.
..."

I-It's getting worse... V-Virgil can see it, and h-he's scent marking... a-and keeping watch... how... h-he's so calm, k-knows exactly what to do.
"T-The place we picked... I-I need to get there."
Even if... if... if they d-don't survive... I-I want them to be born where we chose.

I settle down, with Virgil marking the tree. He stands guard, and I... concentrate.

I can't panic.
I can't... g-get upset.
This is happening whether I want it to or not...


////////////////////////////////////////////////





There's... t-there's no bleating...
No.... B-But... ?
Breathing. I-I can see it, tiny... tiny breaths... I clean her.
Yes... her... a tiny...
"Virgil... i-it's a girl... w-we have a daughter..."
I-I'm stuck for words. A little girl, a-and she's... she's alive...
But it's cold, and Virgil and I sit either side and bar the wind. She hasn't got up yet... but her eyes are just about open...

I-I don't care. She's alive.

Right now she is this tiny little shadow between us in the grass.
I want to name her closely to her still-born brother.


"... Kusakagé. I-I want to name her Kusakagé."
Our little Grass Shadow.

There was a nod and a one of his subtle smiles, his head lowered to meet their new addition to the family.

"Welcome to the world, our little Kusakagé."

I stare at her... watching her coat dry, and I notice that she doesn't lighten. She's dark... very dark. And her spots aren't white, they're dark too, almost... barely visible. The more I watch her, the darker she becomes.
I... I had heard of them before. The opposite of an albino... had... had Virgil and I really produced...?
I-I don't think we'll be able to truly see until a few weeks from now... but I think she may be melanistic.
There are... stories, about them. Rare, strong deer... and just as I'm thinking about the possibility of her being one, she starts to feed...

Strong... s-she will be strong, no matter what colour she is.



(Thank you Starling for the edits!)



"She can support her head!"
I was so anxious, a-a full week had passed and she wasn't strong enough to lift her head. Now she can, and our little one sits so perfectly still not making a sound. Her huge eyes are wide awake, and she looks between us listening. What a dark coat she has... she's... she's beautiful.



"... I... I don't think I'm afraid for her anymore, Virgil."
We both settle either side of her, and I lay my head on the grass curling around her. Virgil's winter mane is comforting.
"She'll be okay. I know she will."

T-There's a deer with huge antlers and a skull coming towards us... I-I want them to keep walking so they leave, but they stay.
"Make them go away..."
I whisper to Virgil. I don't want anyone near her. She's too fragile. Virgil stands between them and us, and I bark a warning.

... I shouted... a-at a skull... Kusakagé, wanting to protect you has made me braver.

They leave eventually, and Virgil and I spend time listening and embracing each other.

"Love... I-I'm very thirsty. W-Would you mind staying while I go to the pond? I'll be quick... I-I don't want to leave her side for too long."

"Please be careful. We will be here when you return."

I run up to red hill, look back at them, then make sure everything is clear to get to the pond. It doesn't take me long, and I'm soon at the water having my fill. I watch the distorted reflection of myself as I drink, and... and it changes. I stop, droplets falling from my open mouth as I see a dark face... a-antlers....
...
!
I shake my head violently, and my reflection turns to normal. But there it was, that... t-that feeling again. I-I can't let myself fold.

I run back to Virgil and Kusakagé, and there's a faw sitting at the closest tree with candles on its head. It was sat further away when I was here, and Virgil has let them closer.

Too close.

Rather than yell at them, I stomp my hooves and show them that they're too close. Virgil nodded his head at me to say it is okay for them to be there. How is it okay? The moment I leave, he lets them come closer. Doesn't matter how big or small they are, Kusa is smaller and I don't want her getting hurt because of his incompetence.
"..."
I-I don't know why I felt so angry just then, i-it wasn't his fault... h-he has many children... he trusts more...
"... P-Please Virgil, until she's bigger I don't want anyone but us to be close to her."
".. Alright. My apologies."

... I begin to wonder if he truly understands, but when a peacock deer comes over my worries are put to rest. He gets up straight away and keeps them at a distance, then we they leave returns and scent marks the tree closest to us. I-It impresses me... s-so I get up and nuzzle him.
"Thank you, love."
He listens to me...


Kaoori and his friend Silence are here. They stay at the bottom of the hill, a-and I'm happy they know it isn't good to come close right now, e-even though I trust they wouldn't do any harm. But a fawn comes and sits down nearly on top of Kusa which I am a lot less happy about... Virgil helps in getting it to move away.

"I hope she'll get bigger soon... i-its stressful, f-feeling so... I-I just want her to be safe."

Virgil grooms my shoulders, and I feel better. Silence and Kaoori walk and trot around seeing if they can see the little bundle at my side, but still stay at a distance. I think... it would be fun to watch her play with them someday.





My little Kusakagé is standing! She even decided to take a few steps and stand outside her home, looking out in the direction of Red Hill and all the land below her. I'm proud that she knows not yet to run... looking, observing, not straying from my side.

"She's growing fast..."
Virgil marks the tree.
"I think we can take her out with us soon. Show her her home."
Part of my frustrations are staying in one place... I need t-to teach her that the grass all around will protect her, not just this patch.

A fawn comes, and I make sure they leave. I can see Virgil's adopted son Zach not far away. A gentleman... l-like his dad, a-and knows to keep his distance. When Kusa is bigger, he'll be able to meet her.

Inferno.
"Make him leave."
I-I start to shake, b-but... n-not because I'm afraid for myself. No... N-Not anymore. Kusakagé. I-I act for her now. I will never let a vicious creature near her. N-... N-No matter what Virgil thinks of him. His scars. His face.

Get out.
"G-Get out."
I-I want to roar, scream. He just stands there. Walks back and fourth. Do something Virgil... W-... W-Why won't you do anything?
"Get out!"

He leaves, eventually. I can feel Kusa cling to my legs, confused...
"... It's alright."
Virgil come back an grooms between my shoulders.
"..."

He is friends with the inferno. The one who reminds you so much of your previous lover.
H-He was never a lover... a-a tyrant... that was a long time ago.

... N-No... R... Rokujou? I don't need you anymore, you l-left.
You cannot trust him with your daughter alone, can you.
She will listen to him, and befriend what you fear.





While Kusa is asleep, I spend a little time with Virgil. We haven't been ourselves since our daughter's arrival, a-and I think I needed that breath of fresh air with him. I suppose I've been so wrapped up with Kusa that I've felt distant...

We sit down in her nursery until she wakes up.
"You were awake last night for a long time. Are you sure you don't want to sleep longer?"
"No."
She's growing fast, and can even talk a little now. I can hardly keep up sometimes, b-but my confidence in Virgil isn't as shaken as it was when I see them together.
"When I'm sure the area is safe, we'll take you out today. Would you like that?"
She copies me when I listen and says nothing. Virgil is out of the grasses waiting, and I stand beside him trying to encourage her.
"Come on, it's safe."
She is apprehensive, and even bleats a refusal. But her instinct to follow is stronger than that feeling, and she's soon walking behind me. We don't go very far, but Virgil encircles and secures the area for her.
"You see, that wasn't so bad."
I'm such a hypocrite. Yet, my voice is confident, stronger with her. The only thing that is my charge... my duty.

"Why?"
She asks. I sat down, and she copies as she should. It wasn't because of danger, though.
"I am a little tired, sweetie."
I reply with a smile,
"You can stand up. Dad is here."
Kusa nods. 'Dad' meant protection, the ultimate is security. I watch them play together, and perhaps this was more fun for me. Look at her -- when she's excited, she bleats and stands on her hind legs. It shows that she is strong... rearing like that is good for the spine. I think she'll be even harder to keep up with when she's older.
A doe sits down near us, and I'm not actually as bothered by her. Kusa is bigger now, and I do want her to socialize. But still, one at a time... I-I'd like her to meet those Virgil and I know, to start with.
Virgil taunted at her, and Kusa copied him. I-I... I think with her father's influence, she'll grow up to be the dominant female I could never be.

I walk her up the hill to where Ephiré is. She follows, her little dark ears fixated on him.
"Who is?"
She stares up at him. She is minuscule in comparison.
"Ephiré."
I reply with... a little bit of a laugh. She won't be able to say his name. I watch her... she's thinking. Hard. Then something clicks and she's all a flutter running in a circle then returning.
"Big."
I sit down and nod my head in approval. She may not be able to say his name, but... she sounded damn sure about what he was!
I sit down in the grass again. She won't be weened for another month or so, a-and I don't think I've been eating enough.
"Tired?"
I groom her head. More for my comfort than her's, I-I think.
"Can I play with Big?"
"You can play for as long as you like. But don't go very far, and listen to your father. I-If he tells you to sit down, you sit down."
"Yes. I-I sit down. And I listen."
"Good girl."

I watch her for a long while. Ephiré sits down and becomes a playground for her. She's only recently learned how to jump, so any obstacle she can find keeps her happy. Virgil introduces her to her big step-brother, Lucian, and I-I don't think I've seen her this excited yet. She's beside herself, bleating and running in circles all in a tizzy wanting to meet the oddly-coloured stag. The three of them play with her for what seem like hours before she eventually tires herself out and comes to me.

"Dad let me play with them! Did you watch? I can jump really high. I can! Loo...shin. Looshin, I-I like him. And-and! And, I'm louder. They are quiet, my voice is bigger. Biggerest in forest."
I can't stop grinning... everything about my little dark daughter is beautiful. My existence is superfluous now.





"Dad and Zach can't catch me when we play tag, and and Gehirn and Trees are nice and let me hide from dad 'cause he didn't like me going to far but I like running and I know not to go out of the birch without someone a-"
"- Sh, slow down Kusa!"
"O-Okay, but I want to tell you everything mum!"

... You see, I can't let R-Rokujou get to me.
Ever again.
Seeing my daughter looking at the world with new eyes has changed me. I.. I know I cannot force my own insecurities on her... n-not anymore. She's grown enough now for me to allow her some freedom. I can only play with her for so long until I get tired, and... a-and I'm happy that she sees me as the source of saftey. She is obedient to my wishes because her father allows her the freedom that I cannot keep up with.
She may not realise it, but she is well balanced. I couldn't hope for more...

"Have you met any other fawns?"
"One. Two? But I have more fun playing with the big deer."
She nods and holds her head high -- she thinks she's an adult already...
"I'm smarter than other fawns. They don't know how to hide from danger properly. I do though! You taught me to, a-and when there was danger Dad told me to go back to the birch forest and I hid."
"... You were out in the open forest?"
...
"Yeah! With the little blue mum and her fawn, and we were playing on these logs I found. And after the danger went away Dad took us to these biiiiiiiiiiig rocks! They're huge!"
She rears and giggles. She's talking about the playground rocks... I-I have a fond memory of Virgil taking me there as a first trip out of the birch.
"And there were these rocks that were bigger than the normal ones I jump over but I ran really fast and jumped them easily. Do you think I'm good at jumping?"
"Sweetheart, you're the best at it. You can jump higher than me!"
"I bet I can jump over your head! Ready-ready?! Stay still!"
I sit down and face her. She walks backwards with the most determined expression, runs at full speed and clears me easily.
"Well done Kusa!"
"I toooooooold you I could."

I tell her to sit in front of me so I can wash her. Her coat i-is beautiful... I'm so lucky to be the mother of such a stunning fawn. I cannot wait to see her grow up and be what I could never be.
"Mum?"
"Yes?"
"How come you feel all bumpy? I haven't met anyone yet that is the same."
"You mean... my coat?"
"Coat... yes. It feels bumpy!"
She idolizes you... but it is all a lie. Tell her.
I don't want to...
You must. Tell her that you are a coward. That you are weak. That you are inadequate.
"W-Well, sweetie, I... I-I..."
She looks at me and her ears flop back hearing my stutter,
"... Is there danger mumma? What's wrong?"
"N-No... There's no danger."
I sigh and close my eyes.
"Kusakagé... you are very brave. Do you ever get scared?"
She takes a little while to answer,
"Ummm... I don't know. If there's danger I go and hide because I'm told to. I can run really fast so I can escape everything too... is that what scared is?"
"Not quite... Y-You see, sometimes... s-sometimes there are deer who are afraid of everything. Including things that don't want to hurt them, so, they run away..."
"Ohhh... But why are they scared of them if they're nice?"
Perhaps I give your fawn too little credit for its inteligence.
She is not an it.

"That's a difficult question... Kusa, I came from a very scary place. Daddy-deer were not as nice as yours. T-They liked to... to... to hurt mummy-deer."
"I don't like that... D-Did they hurt you?"
"Y-Yes... A-And that is why my coat is bumpy. I wasn't very well for a long time. But... then I came here, and I met your Father."
"Then what happened?"
I pause, my voice stronger.
"He made me better. He protected me from all the things I was scared of, cared for me... it was like we were the only deer in the forest whenever we were together. I felt safe."
"And you loved each other?"
I laugh and nuzzle her,
"Yes, we fell in love."
"Then what happened?"
I burrow my nose into her side and knock her over onto the grass in front of me, and then I make her giggle by tickling her stomach,
"You happened!"
She pushed me away and bleated happily, jumping up and spinning on the spot,
"Yay! And I made you not scared anymore-"
"- Kusa that's not qu-"
"- because you are a brave and shout at strangers for being too close to me."
I look away... W-Was she right?
"... I'm brave for you because I have to be, Kusakagé. I will protect you whatever it takes... you're my daughter, and I love you more than anything in this world and don't want you to get h-hurt or grow up in fear like I did. I'm brave for you."

She looks at me blankly... I don't think she's old enough yet to understand fully.
But then she says something that almost brings me to tears.
"Okay. Well when I'm big I'll be brave for you too!"
"..."
I smile and stand up, motioning for her to walk with me. She does, and takes my silence as a chance to continue talking.
"Dad is brave. I bet I'll be braver. Will I have antlers mumma?"
"I'm afraid not sweetie..."
"That's so unfair! Can I put stuff on my head instead like Noelle does?"
I didn't answer because it was an empty question that she was going to do anyway. I laugh as she puts her forehead on the ground and walks forward trying to churn up the grasses. When she lifts her head again a few long and seeded stems stick behind her ears.
"It worked!"
"Now you can disappear properly in the grass!"
"Do they look good?"
One fell out just as she asked,
"... Poo. It won't stay in."
I hurry her along up to Red hill. She has her nose to the ground hunting for more things to put on her head. She found a large dead beetle with a shimmering blue shell, but she shattered it when she stood on it trying to break off the wing casing. She also found a feather, but it was scraggy and covered in mud.

"I can't find anything."
"... You will, Kusa. I promise."

... Maybe I will never get rid of Rokujou for good. M-Maybe... m-maybe it is good, to have that voice in the back of my head sometimes. You... You can't escape the past but you can change the future. I have a family now. A family I had always wanted. Kusakagé is the result of my love for Virgil, and his love for me. She is the single most strongest success that I can offer...

Rokujou can't damage her, because I won't let her.

"Can I swim in the pond?"
"No, it's too cold."
"... Can I go and play in the blue bowl?"
"It's getting dark sweetie."
"But it's just over there. You can see it from here!"
"It doesn't matter, it's your bedtime."
"But I'm awake."
I close my eyes and sigh.
"Sleep-time, Kusa."
Virgil appears at my side just as we both settle... my Sentinal will be awake for a long time watching over us.

Being loved, and being a Mother has taken me far from who I used to be...
What more can I ask for.








From the player:
Thank you to everyone who interacted and became involved in Kiyoko's story one way or the other (even the bad guys!) This has been a lot of fun, and I'm amazed it all lasted as long as it did. Never would I have thought my character would have ended up with a mate or a child, so this has definitely been a success story.

Thank you also to the people who have read and followed her story without interacting. I would have liked to continue this, but "RL" for me has always been a busy one, and it's time for her story to end.

I'm lucky to have had all the characters here make her ending a happy one. ♥