CIRCE

Daughter to Shahla and Leia, "stepdaughter" to Kío.
Extensive lifespan; young adult
Adopted - Stria
Half-siblings - Nikhil, Shardul, Xiao Yú, Dia, Taveer, Kshanti
Littermates - Jyoti, Sonali, Tsabhi
Children - What children?
Elyrian witch crossed with a Tiger/Bongo hybrid. Dominant magic genes, feline traits willfully exaggerated.

WIP REFERENCE #9 #7A5F2C Pictogram

"...Don't move or they'll die."
...

April 4th, 2018




April 3rd, 2018

Thinks their children are amazing and loves the way they don't directly acknowledge anybody (because they're temporarily blind and deaf). And feeling strongly compelled to give them to her mother.

Saw Shahla and Shardul talking near Ron's den today and placed distance between herself and her family. Didn't want to give any kind of impression she was 'expecting' any acknowledgement despite minor excitement over what she'd seen weeks ago of her new nieces and nephews. Struck when Shardul left without visiting, but more worried by the cause than concerned about one small outcome of it. Intrinsically trusts Shardul, even to the point of attempting to follow his example weeks ago during a specific incident which placed severe doubt in her head over how her role was regarded by her older half-siblings. Checked in with Shahla and greeted Raum, then leaned against Ronra to sleep for a while which was the easiest thing when you have two newborn kits...


April 2nd, 2018

Saw through and assisted in Ronra's delivery of their twin cubs to the best of her ability, given the fact that she was inexperienced and nearly paralyzed by how nice everyone was being.

Overwhelmed by the unexpected support of close family members, something she either hadn't fully anticipated, or realized she wanted until well into the midst of it at various parts. No less true through the visits by Ronra's family that night or the next day - more happy for Ronra than she can admit, given what she knows of some of the lioness's own fears and insecurities. Definitely not prepared for the feelings of gratitude so did her best to cope or distance herself from the presence of individuals that pretty much terrified her with their open loyalty and care, much like Ronra herself. Not surprised to find herself looking forward to scooping up the cubs and fleeing for home at the end of each day, but is surprised to find herself open to return in the mornings. Certainly not trying to show her appreciation, which she doesn't feel.


September 30th, 2017

Had a very good morning of encountering a lot of very amicable individuals. Met up with Yoko at one of the first herds that seemed very welcoming - Bohdiciea, Blight, and Torfastr being among those who greeted her. All of whom seemed, to her, equally likely to be "in charge" of the group and equally as chill, so kind of invited herself to sit among them for a while with little interest in causing trouble (once she felt satisfied she made it seem like she could). Not sneaky but wanted to seem sneaky. Felt content to leave Yoko with them given the overall vibe and made her way around the Forest, interacting with a few other groups (and having an equally hard time trying to discern if Raavas was interested in sparring or not). Ended up taking Irarenum happily, after giving an awkward (apologetic?) bow to the bull. Joined up with Ronra and 'took over' for a little bit, though kind of still intending on letting her fight to defend her own judges if the situation came up.

Ventured off some more. Found Jörnburnd to be absolutely great fun. Hit up his herd a few times, purely because he was thrilling and full of fight. Profited off Balthanos partly distracting the wolf and lucked out with Accendare, Jin, and two little ones (Jethro and another I think!? so sorry) joining them for a while.

Roamed around the area while others filtered in and out of their group, Accendare being one of them. Thought nothing of it until catching the conflict between Esll and Saosin minutes later, just in time to see the Inferno go charging in the female's direction. Tore after them, trying to help when she could until the pursuit led to an inevitable point that swiftly stunned her own willingness to participate. Stayed nearby when Esll cornered Saosin in the water, and the full gravity of the situation seemed to come bearing down on her lungs.

Vacated the area when Esll did, not getting close enough to see what had happened exactly, but finding her mind filled in enough of the details for herself. Picked her way back near their group and laid down nearby with eyes downcast and her tail, her entire body, stiff. Spent the rest of the morning turning deaf ears to the rest of the participants and happenings, moving only to give a soft sigh to Stria when her sister joined. Figures it's way more comfortable for everyone if she doesn't admit what a relief it was to see her just now.

Then Stria stole her herd...


September 29th, 2017

Returned. Doing what she can to discourage any outward discussion over her last visit to Elyria, though devoting a great deal of mental energy to the subject on her own time.

Rut things! Pretty much already much got to have her dream herd with Adagio, Mirah, Viera, and the most charming couple (Ractera and Kere), and got to let Ronra and her family see it, to boot.

However - got her head conked first thing by Ison and ended up retiring early after a few good fights with him, Firyn, and Sky-Sight despite the temptation to go on. But first snagged Esha on the way back for some timid not-cuddles between her and a fast favorite - Adagio.


September 20th, 2017

After weeks of being coached by Mirah (and experimenting on Ronra), finally received instructions from the more experienced shifter pertaining to her end of the deal the night before last.

Spent the next day expending her magic and attempting to come up with a plan with Ron. Returned early in the night in the Forest for one last visit, first spent in the enjoyable company of a stranger and later, after dropping off a somewhat ambiguous 'message' for Shahla, Stria at her mother's den. Shared a blanket, nap, and as open a conversation as they ever had, though not in that order exactly.

Satisfied, glad even, for the small chance to let her loved ones know she'd be leaving before doing so, even if she didn't make as most out of the opportunity as she might have.


August 15th, 2017

Forced herself and Ronra back into the Forest a few nights ago, only because she was wary of how tempting it could be in both their circumstances to try and hide away in the Rainforest indefinitely. Still trying to break old habits, for better or for worse. On top of which, there's still a standing concern for Leia that she knows has little hope of being resolved from Savera's homeland, if it could be resolved at all.

Finding comfort in Stria's visits again, even if there's plenty to be worried about by the wine-hued's beaten appearance. At the point where she'd rather give comfort and company than solutions; has too few of the latter in recent times. It somehow makes her sister's visits that much more enjoyable, even if she's sure they're all pretty miserable together.

Last night, after a difficult discussion with Ronra and some peaceful lounging with her and Stria, was coaxed toward some mayhem coming from one specific direction. Intended to investigate the scene near her family's homes when the assailant (Vasla) came tearing in her direction instead. Stunned by the impact of his hooves blitzing into her before she even had time to react - when she finally managed to regain her wits, pursued him to the other side of the Birch and congregated with family members (Ronra, Stria, Shahla, Shardul, Nikhil, Savera, and babies!) to keep watch. Acquired more than a few small wounds in the pursuit of the Wolf along with her family, and moved off to a secluded area when it was all over and check-ins were exchanged, intending to patch herself up.

Enjoyed the seclusion of bloodied monoliths for a few minutes before being approached by a stranger who revealed herself to be her niece - once, Lekhasa. Shared a few words, enough to paint only the foggiest understanding of some chasm between who was she now and who she had once been. Didn't agree at all with a specific comment by the Hellbroth, but did agree with her right in brushing Circe's concern off, in a bizarre way, especially when she could remember having felt similar about a situation she'd also caused long ago. Aware she's never had the full scope of her brothers' family and their lives, for all her love for them. With Nikhil passing by early in the conversation and issuing a pointed look in their direction, felt her own misplacement in being able to address any of her loved one's woes pronounced that much more. Gave a shallow response to the stated reason for the visit, immediately regretted when it sent the other on her way moments later, and was left with a keening feeling in her stomach for hours to come.

Left the Forest only to return the next in a similar fashion to her previous visits: with Ron in tow and a dimmed hope of relieving a few worries, in spite of them having now grown in number.


July 23rd, 2017

Happy but not happy but not unhappy.


April 18th, 2017

Doing nothing specific except for trying to avoid anything she's ever really done before.

Trying to identify and ward off a pattern that has kept her unhappy for a long time now; just isn't certain what it is. Avoiding old routines, favored spots, and even valued company haphazardly, though very definitely doesn't blame anyone or thing. Still drops by loved ones and friends, but only outside of the customary 'timing' of such visits... and pretending those favorite sunspots of hers no longer exist.


April 12th, 2017

Returned from Elyria with a bunch of mementos she has exactly no intention of ever delivering to their purported recipients. Stashed them somewhere private but put the almanac she'd composed for her own enjoyment in an easy-to-access spot, entertaining herself by working on it whenever she has a spare moment.

Continuing to conceal many of the worries that she'd carried with her for since the beginning of the trip, with a few new concerns now added to the mix. Received back into the Forest with warm welcomes from her mother and older brothers, which were significant comforts in their own, despite being extremely wary of where and how she steps around certain subjects. Extremely concerned about her standing with Stria, even after all these months, despite giving very little hints of these feelings.

Spoke properly with Shahla a few days ago, and took a great amount of heart from the way the conversation ended. Doing her best to mimic Shahla's more caustic manner toward broader subjects, because that's a lot better than acting outwardly hopeful and optimistic, and a lot less embarrassing if things don't work out. Wavering privately on a few matters, practicing an amount of discretion in her visits to others that probably isn't obvious through an ignorant exterior. Helped a lot by recent strides taken with Ronra and Leia outside of the Forest.


January 1st, 2017!

Spent the previous day brainstorming with Leia. Excited with the options that came up involving an older form of Elyrian magic after exploring the library there, and extremely anxious for the chance to both see it put to the test and witness her mother attempting something like that in action.

Came back to the Forest full of jitters, only little disappointed to find Ronra didn't form a search party while she was gone. But after that harsh dose of reality, enjoyed the time she had to visit her loved ones. Forced Shahla to cuddle her until Nikhil called her away - didn't miss the weight in the air or the fact that she didn't see Shahla around after the conversation. Gave a careful greeting to Shardul, Shikha, and Raum on her way through the Birch and took a few naps until the evening, when she went to the Playground and waited to 'surprise' Ronra... who didn't seem very surprised. Yet.

Content to lounge on a rock with the lion for a while before eventually getting restless. Took to batting her in the face, pouncing, and pestering her endlessly until Ron finally got up and, after some coercion, managed to get her into the First Forest and near their regular spot for enjoying the New Year weather. Glad to see that North was also near this spot, hoping for a few reasons that Ronra would have the chance to spend a little time near a relative. Spoke to Ron about several ideas she had now, and ended up grinning from ear to ear by the end of that conversation.

Dozed and woke up to Stria wedged rightfully between them, and was content to stay there a long time enjoying the presence of the two. Eventually left for a short visit to Savera's, but when the venture wasn't too productive returned to get in an important scheduled sleepover with Stria before departing in the morning.


December 29th, 2016

Resting and thinking. Spent the day before with Ron and Talla in the Forest and came back again today to nap near the dens, and later on find Shahla and Leia visiting at the Pond.

Learned Leia was here to invite her and her other siblings to a festival in Elyria and readily accepted, despite the fact that it was supposed to be a celebration. Really too happy at the prospect of spending the time with the witch, Jyoti, and Sonali if they managed to come across her in time. Still, made a small, very casual request for something that was secretly very important, too. Thrilled when her light mother seemed to entertain the thought, and even offered to let her come back with her to brainstorm ideas overnight.


December 28th, 2016

Spent the past few days away from this Forest, partly due to some gifts Tynan had left behind. Enjoyed them (and just when last year's stash from her brothers was getting low) with Ron and a hundred new little friends...

Obviously aware it's the time of year many strangers, friends, and family members unite on some unspoken front and exchange gifts. As endeared by the gestures, and presents received, as she was the year before but didn't pretend to go along and understand what the celebration was for any more than the year before. Extremely appreciative of the gifts she'd gotten from her siblings especially, but displaying a strong preference for following in her mother's example now more than ever, not participating in something that wouldn't be natural for her. Beginning to understand holidays as an extremely foreign concept that still shares a few too many similarities with things others do, and though she hasn't asked, is pretty certain she wouldn't be too won over by anything she would learn further about them.

Still, anticipating one upcoming 'holiday,' the one where silver stars hang from the sky on strings, for personal reasons.


December 12th, 2016

Came to the Forest for the rain; stayed for the visiting of soaked friends and loved ones. Visited Shardul (after some complications..) and later Nikhil, when he swung by on the brothers' way home. Then moved back toward the Playground, with a mind on the small gathering of strangers she'd seen taking refuge under one of the rocks. Instead visited Lilu's house for a little while until the last of the family (Moloch) went to bed.

Glad to be joined later by Rohit, and later still, by Rossamund. Conflicted entirely over how to receive the Myling, guessing he was mostly there for Rohit and pushed her own feelings aside. Took notice of the space between both males and decided it was a good cue to neither force further interaction or act on Rohit's behalf. Stretched her legs and claws out a moment before resting her shoulder against a napping Roh's supportively. Soon nodded off as well.


December 7th, 2016

Made a circle 'round the Forest today, stopping by a few family member's empty homes before returning to the First. Left some violets and orchids from the rainforest with a sleeping Tynan as a very belated thanks for something kind he'd done for Ronra, being the first time she's been able to find the other cat alone in her own sporadic visits. Spent some time in his company before leading a friendly strangely nearby to sit with Kío and Rooh (i think... horrible at checking pictograms, these days..) for a proper nap.

Pleasantly surprised when both Shahla and Tynan joined her and Kío later. Gave the tigress a little head-rub and then moved to sit closer to one of her few friendly, age-appropriate, and unrelated ties. Blinked and nodded her head when he went to check on Umay again, thinking about a few things and then ultimately accepted her fate and moved in to sprawl against Kío for a while.

Missed a visit from Tynan while she slept but woke up to find some poppies he'd left behind... carefully hid a grin from the mothers and after saying good-night, brought them back to her trees to preserve them with light. Returned to Savera's once she was done with her work.


December 5th, 2016

Did end up getting to spend some proper time with Nikhil when her half-brother sought her out at the Playground the other day. Informed of some recent happenings in his life - really only a glimpse of a much larger picture, she was sure, considering how long they've been apart. Approached the topic carefully, particularly on noting Shardul had taken up nearby. Through no fault of either sibling had gained some worries about the amount of time she'd be given if Nikhil noticed him nearby, though still did her best to offer him some advice considering the subject of the topic was one she held a distant fondness for. Cautioned him to not put too much on his daughter's shoulders, but more than that to, no matter what he might have to do for his kittens' safety, take the time to first see what the Hellbroth saw in another soul in which she seemed to find some kinship, and try not to cast the one in any sort of bad light because it might well be the same one his daughter saw in herself. Told him she missed him, too, and though she hopes she'll see him more now, is more set on him to do anything he must for his, and his family's, well-being.

Today, checked on the nest and ditched Día to go sit with Jyoti not far away. Appreciated him taking the initiative to give her a little nuzzle (needed that) and moved to sit closer. Content to lay there most of the day, only moving at one point when a little skirmish broke out nearby with some interesting individuals. Let Día join her in rubbernecking until long after things settled... just hung around to see if her sister was going to get any awesome ideas about jumping in at the last second and stirring things up, but she didn't, yawn. Battered the fawn around a little before dropping her off by the den and giving Kío some cat-rubs.

Back to Jyoti, then. Gave Ronra a nuzzle when she ran by on her way to check out her family. Afterward got into some games with the Wildmoon, trying to lift her spirits after a few suspicions were formed. Stared at Ronra staring at others, and then brought her to the Playground to sun.


November 26th, 2016

Ventured into the Forest last night on a suspiciously good mood, thanks to Leia's visit a few nights ago. Visited the Playground and the den, stopping briefly to spend time near Kío, Shahla, and Día before she was about to head back to the Playground. Got pulled into some light roughhousing with her mother and then was found by Ronra - whom she tried to coax into some hijinks with mixed results. Led her into De Drinkplaats where the cacophony of magic drowned out some latent, chronic worries, only to touch on them moments later when talking with the lion.

Appreciated her asking about some things even if she didn't want to think about them at that moment, as well as the care she took to say something that didn't at all need to be said. A little flirting before returning to the rainforest. Aware that not much has changed; just shifting perspectives, a little.


November 20th, 2016

Divided on whether or not to approach Nikhil and Shardul when she realized the Incendiary was back in the Forest; ultimately decided to pay a quick visit later when she realized Shahla had already taken up a spot nearby, though aware she might miss the chance if she waits too long. Went back to sitting near Savera's portal and distantly visiting with Jyoti, uplifted but also nervous.

Started thinking a few less preferable outcomes may have transpired when she noted Nikhil soon moving off to a distant part of the Forest. Resolved to give him space when she noted he was with Umay, whose mood she's been especially sensitive to, lately; glad the pair had found each other even if she had worries about what circumstances might've united them. Moved off after a distant greeting to them and a much closer one with Shikha, whom she ended up following to greet Shardul and her mother as well.

Decided to return to Jyoti to make sure he hadn't frozen over, was definitely a big help in keeping him warm by hauling herself on top of his rocks and promptly falling asleep. Got Shahla and 'Deus to join her up there, too, later.

Moved off much later to enjoy the pond and then go back to the Rainforest.


November 19th, 2016

Having a harder time dealing with Stria's absence than she thought she would when she last spoke to her sister weeks ago. In no way bothered by the doe's desire to take time for herself; in fact encouraged it at the time and even now is personally benefited by it even if she doesn't realize it. But the timing of it has very much exacerbated some feelings of inadequacy she's had concerning various sibling disappearances and absences in the past and what role she might or might not have in their decision making, as the case may be.

Making small attempts to reach out to family members in some hope to drive into herself how idiotic such notions are, but a rigid aversion to socializing lately speaks to the failure of that particular fight. Only truly comfortable when she's around Shahla, Kío, the little ones, and, of course, Ronra.

Today, had to dive into the siblings' den when tiger mama came rolling around and wouldn't stop harassing her. Dragged herself out when she thought Shahla was distracted and curled up in a tight ball, hoping she could deflect any further attacks. Has convinced herself this worked and refuses to wake up to see otherwise.


October 20th, 2016

Lazy for a few days. Visited the Forest the previous night and bypassed the den to lay a little ways off from Stria, finding enough peace in the nearby presence to consider spending the night there. Ended up sleeping deeply, and waking in the morning to find her sister not far from where she'd been when she closed her eyes. Which she found more concerning than sweet, in the end.

Went on a small walk, thinking things over and keeping an eye out for Ronra (even though she only ended up missing her visit later in the day). Feels bad to have not been around much for Rohit despite her intentions, even after noting that Rossamund had returned. In many ways has felt hindered and powerless herself lately, and the knowledge that he'll likely be hurting for long enough for her to right her own issues was of little consolation. Went to visit with Lilitu on a whim and moved off, reluctantly, only when the doe had a rather surprising guest: Kyrian. Would have done anything to eavesdrop in that moment but with vast respect for her family friend, stayed just close enough to keep tabs on things. Though she believes Lilu would be able to handle herself just fine so really just watched and hoped the horse would try her temper, honestly.

Wholly appreciated the gesture Jyoti made by coming to find her while this occurred, and led him away from the set-up to one of her favorite spots. Felt her blood go cold when he attempted to get and draw Stria to them in a way she wouldn't have, and it appeared to fail. Didn't blame him even so, and was even more appreciative when the hind approached on her own accord moments later and sat nearby, feeling confident Jyoti wouldn't take it the wrong way if she went to join her, considering he had extended the invitation. Though even if he did, it would change very little.

Relaxed a little more when Shahla joined as well, enough to take a stress-nap with the tigress cozily wedged between Stria and herself. Woke up to find Stria gone and Sonali with them instead and instantly fell into a familiar routine coping with the dread that surfaced. Rose to her fours and moved a small way over to the next clearing, trying to ease the ingrained feeling that a terrible thing took place while she'd been asleep. Took a few moments to regain her presence of mind and nuzzle her mother, sister, and brother before taking off, veering in the direction of the Gods' Hill before she could realize it.

Recuperated there some more before seeking out Lilitu's company once again; appreciated the silent comfort the succubus represented to her as well as the reprieve of focusing on outside issues, or at least what little was given away in the doe's peculiar stillness that she noticed Lilu retained from earlier that day. Knew the doe wouldn't expect anything of her, but immensely concerned about her all the same.

Moved off to the Playground later, and then passed by where Stria had ended up at the den, marking the two trees quickly and moving to her own nearby. Finding it difficult to be in most of her siblings' company without focusing on their potential issues and not her own, which she knew were real and greatly numbered, and no doubt probably contributed to some of theirs in turn. Still, improved for what room had been given over the past few days and feeling a little less daunted by it all. Returned to Savera's later.


October 15th, 2016

Ended up leaving Jyoti with her Elyrian amulet, but little else - not willing to use magic or anything to give an unnatural healing for what seemed like a consensual spar (gone out of hand), but considers the crystal a steady source of sustenance for herself in lieu of a few good meals, and in absence of that for her brother, hoped it would be an indication for the Firefly to seek her out and talk as soon as he was able.

Distracted within a few days by some scarce encounters with Stria, some time spent with Shahla and Shardul, and then came across Rossamund's dead body. Saddened by the death; incensed by the location being so close to her brothers' and their children's home, particularly for what she knew of the Myling's involvement with some of their young. Sat nearby his current visitor, Tig, until they left and were soon replaced by two other faces - Fletcher and Garou. Glad to see the corpse's relatively uncomplicated removal but didn't encroach any further. Returned to the trees she'd claimed near Shahla's, and was later distracted by an inconsolable Rohit who'd obviously come across his cousin's body elsewhere in the Forest. Went to sit with him in silence for some time, joined later by RONRA (she knows three people whose names begin with Ro- and at least 4 family members who start with S-, help me) and each offered some support where they could. Encouraged the buck to confront Rossamund with his hurt when he came back, believing it could do them both some good, but didn't press it anymore and simply kept him company the rest of the night.

Found by Jyoti not longer after - forced a chipper smile onto her face in the hopes it would infect her own mood, or at least counter the possibility of Jyoti taking her demeanor the wrong way. Asked after his health and playfully drilled him about the spar from the previous night. Was mostly after his take on the doe he had so clearly tried to impress, but didn't hesitate much despite his clearly smitten perspective, and informed him of what she knew. Slightly taken aback by how much it seemed to devastate him; didn't expect him to be nonchalant, of course, but also didn't anticipate the degree to which he agonized over what to do... especially when it seemed he was still interested in her, romantically. Which she didn't herself see a problem with, as long as he knew she was a liar - maybe in a way there'd be less pressure on him? But soon realized he was very stressed over how he should act, and became stressed in return. Frustrated with the thought of deliberately treating somebody different just because you liked them.

Which was something that makes so little sense in her mind and even less when she tried to say it aloud, to Jyoti, as he worried about whether or not he was even 'good enough' for the doe, which would have been fine but he mentioned it in the context of making her like him back, and she mostly feels you should act exactly how you want to behave around someone in general and you shouldn't just change it for the sake of there being some sort of label on it... pretty much just successfully confused the male, and then kind of ruined the whole conversation and retracted as much as she could. Ended on the note that she wanted him to do what would make him happy, but didn't think that should entail letting anyone walk over him. Including herself, with the way he'd started deferring to her. Apologized a few times when it was evident he still felt pretty bad and skulked back off to her trees again with her necklace returned.

Had another pretty tense confrontation with Stria not longer after that, and fell into a worse mindset after for a bit. Squeezed herself between two rocks at the Playground and didn't move until being found by Shahla the next day (the portal being just steps away), at which point she spent the morning sunbathing on various parts of the rocks and napping. Watched Jyoti speak with the doe he'd fought for during the rut, pleasantly surprised when he swung by them after. Had thought things might've taken a turn for the worse after their last talk, so when he approached was glad (mostly) to forsake her seat up the sloped rocks to join her uninclined (get it!) brother on the ground.

Stayed a while and then moved off to sleep between the statues on Gods' Hill. Over the past several days, had been wracking her mind trying to sort out what she should do or feel pertaining to a few matters with those family members with whom she's had troubles recently. Immensely relieved, then, to wake from slumber to find the inobtrusive comfort of Stria's scent lingering in the area. Fought an initial impulse to go find the doe; struck by the realization that not only was it likely not what her sister actually wanted/intended by leaving the scent, but it wasn't what SHE wanted, either. For the first time since her recent talk with Shahla, felt as if she was able to breathe again.

Had been keeping in mine the wine-colored doe's words from weeks ago that she'd fix things, but even accepting that required first acknowledging they were not only broken to begin with, but she had likely impeded what must have been Stria's reparation attempts over the past few weeks. Reassured in an odd way that this is no longer the case. Merely returned the gesture by rubbing her sides over where Stria's scent was the strongest, and for the next few days would continue to seek her sister out and leave marks near her resting places.

Has been doing a lot better since then, finding the pace set by Stria to allow for time in and between their most recent encounters to focus more on herself, including on trying to take her mother's advice from weeks ago. By this point had grown so accustomed to a steady pattern of reaching out and immediate regret afterward, that even if the two aren't directly linked they had unwittingly become so closely associated that the relief now was astonishing, if not a little jarring.

Tonight, beat Ron to the Forest and tentatively joined a gathering of family members that seemed to be peaceful - Shahla, Sonali, Stria, Ronra FINALLY, Jyoti, and a passing Aileana. Would have eyeballed the hell out of an adorable minifawn (Alice) whom her mother was clearly going to adopt, but was too unnerved by a few things to stay long and despite Sonali making a special effort to come over and sit at her side. Not only overwhelmed by some inner feelings of her own but also just an overall terror of something going wrong and just... losing the progress that had been made over the past week or two which she was actually really happy about. Tried to tell as much to Shahla when she ended up following and asking about it, understandably concerned when she got up to leave the group. Spoke a little and promised to see her in Savera's world soon, then went to soak in the stream a bit before joining Ron.


September 30th, 2016

Taking a lot of comfort in her sleep lately, both in the reprieve it offers in itself and the excuse the apparent lazy spell gives her to retreat into a deeply introverted mindset. Sweetly noting and appreciating both Stria and Jyoti's check-ins and visits over the past few days; processing them in her own way, but not quite acting on anything yet.

Spent all of yesterday pressed against her mother's side and eventually mustering the will to stop feigning slumber and instead sit upright, taking quiet comfort in the comparative easiness of Shahla's gentle but reliable presence. Headed back to the Rainforest later on and returned this morning, though only sat on top of the rock guarding the portal. Smiled down at Jyoti when he came back before moving a little closer to the edge and settling down for another, much more content nap.

Felt a lot better for it later and moved into the First Forest with no intent - simply to eye a few of the herds and many of the bodies congregating. Found by Rohit before she could find him and initially accepted his invitation to go sit with his herd but changed her mind upon getting there and realizing that not only was a certain body present, but her brother was nearby with a vaguely familiar doe......

Sat a ways off and stared the whole time the two seemingly talked, and then Jyoti fought Brent like a lot. Not surprised he nearly got himself killed (it looked bad, anyway) over the female who ended up favoring Brent anyway; very surprised that he limped his way over to her, afterward, and passed out before she could say anything.


September 28th, 2016

Had a considerably worse day today, though it started off nice! Came into the Forest a while after Ronra and stopped at the den to freshen up some scents there. Saw Jyoti very nearby and went over to say hello to him and his judges (Sophie and Brille??); sat with them a while, overly aware of Ronra and Stria seeming to be in the middle of some action deeper into the First Forest, but content to stay where she was for the time being, trying to play down a few insecurities that she thought were silly.

Rattled suddenly to realize her sister was nearby and focused on her and - she assumed, Jyoti. Jumped to a massive amount of conclusions - hi insecurities - and after a very poorly-matched and silent face-off, pretty much turned around and fled the area without word to Stria or Jyoti, and what transpired then was the most asinine sequence of negative-thinking, self blame, and indignancy, that had ever been initiated by a simple stare.

[6:56:46 PM] Wind: TRUE BUT THEY BOTH FUCKING KNEW IT WASNT A NICE STARE

Found by Stria at the Playground moments later, but by then had already dissolved into a vapid mental-back-and forth; even if she had been aware of Stria's similarly poor emotional state, likely wouldn't have recognized the reason for it in her usually stoic sister. Moved to a rock higher up and later to the Pond when Stria left without saying anything, and spent the rest of the day sprawled out near the pound, huddled against Ronra and saying very little.


September 27th, 2016

For several reasons has been reluctant to set foot back in this forest. Returned a few weeks ago and started making sporadic visits to and from, in other to assuage a sort of homesickness that has been steadily accumulating over the past months and distract her mind from a few things with she still hasn't been able to fully cope. Only succeeded in having the former feeling further enhanced through several discrete encounters. Despite a few extremely positive interactions and reunions with her siblings, all of whom she's been concerned about in some aspect, accepting an undeniable rift that has been forming between her and several significant ties.

Taking a good deal of personal responsibility for said rift; whether because she had initiated its existence or faciliated its growth, or both. Better able to cope with some recent feeling after a discussion with Shahla, and feeling a lot less wary over where she treads.

Has been spending her time being even more of a recluse than ever, with a few exceptions that have mostly been non-familial and a longer list of intended visits. Unfailingly finds herself returning to the rainforest where she's pretty much forcing Ronra to stay... does intend on giving to lioness back to her family eventually, but undeniably finding immense security in the other's presence especially lately. Keeping tabs on Shahla and Kío's recent trip with their litter to the rainforest but not approaching as she normally would if it was simply the adults visiting, for a few reasons that don't at all lie with the couple or their clutch.

Has been enjoying Rut antics with Ronra, though mostly participating from a distance and sometimes being downright lazy. Surprised to be approached by Stria early on and given a rather cheerful promise about which Circe quickly made her own conclusions, none of which would depend on Stria carrying out said promise or not. Rather carefree about the whole thing, and undeniably just relieved to have her sister's happiness for that night, enjoyed a few meet-and-greets outside of the Birch Forest on the first night of the Rut before being put off by the way an initially impressive lion (Dardan) acted in a few instances - though was pleased to have his companion, Jetta, stay with Ronra and Stria for a while. Pretty much slept constantly the next few days... tried to play it cool through a Tynan visit one day, but is enormously endeared toward the Sundog for his kindness toward Ronra a few months earlier, and later on, was ecstatic to have Ronra tell her about Shardul's quick visit when she'd been asleep.

AND even happier when she woke the next morning to find him a polite distance from the den, along with Ronra. Got VERY close to asking about Nikhil but put it off due to several strong worries that she'd try wrestle down later (but didn't and her tab crashed and missed his visit I think!). Shared the morning with him while watching Ronra from afar, getting just close to watch and ultimately hiss/spit at Saosin's approach on her lion's pride along with Shardul. Definitely got some defiant thoughts in her head that would lead to a discussion with Ron later - left not too long after some more lounging with Shardul, and brief visits with Stria and Rhona.


July 12th, 2016

Aside from visiting every so often to try to catch Stria, Kío, or Shahla when she's here, hasn't been in this Forest much. Today tried to spend some time with her brothers while doing her best to keep in mind that they would likely need their space at regular intervals for plenty of reasons that she had seen from the outside - and many more that she could guess she wasn't at all aware of. Wasn't too surprised when they did move off and took the chance to deal with some swiftly-amassing anxiety and troubles in some needed alone time. Took herself on a walk, looking forward to the likelihood of stuffing herself between the Twin God statues until nightfall, but paused near Rossamund as she frequently did when she caught sight of him just outside the Birch. Though initially couldn't muster up the will to try to sit near him for a few reasons this time, started to rethink the idea of being alone when he stood up and clearly seemed to be looking at her. Was immediately caught completely off guard by his approach and bizarre form of greeting.

Caught on quick enough when Nikhil promptly arrived to stare down their interaction, and after watching the boy move off, looked to her older brother for an explanation. Retreated to childhood feelings of isolation from her peers along with her earlier distress while hearing of Nikhil's history with the Myling, as well as the brothers' sudden and most recent efforts with Jyoti. Numb when reflection had her concluding that Rossamund had likely only 'greeted' her today out of expecting some kind of violence from herself, but also unsettled by a thing or two about the discussion with her brothers after

Forced a few rigid smiles but was left feeling stunned and severed midway through when she realized that Nikhil wasn't listening, and as much as she could understand his reasons for leaving - just as much as she understand all his sudden departures in the past - felt them stack to an almost unbearable intensity given her mindset prior to their approach. Mortification hit her like ice water, with a sudden sense of alienation that came when Nikhil whispered his need to speak to his brother. Found her skin crawling with the first of her brother's easy nuzzles, and her body breaking out of its self-imposed paralysis to move, on its accord, from the Incendiary's reach before he could give any more.

Sought out a favored spot where she could try to privately sift over her standing with several family members, including the two brothers, for some time. Wracked with guilt for doing so and what would likely become an inclination to try to bury the thoughts completely, but for the time being, remained ruled by them in solitude with a nagging voice at the back of her mind insisting that she was correct, for more reasons than just the isolated events of one bad night.

Eventually picked her way over to Ron to check on her, not at all helped by the lion's obvious state of despair and while hurting badly for her friend, had absolutely no idea what to say of the whole thing just then. Left after a while to press herself between Kío and Shahla and eventually seek the comfort of her childhood den, sleeping intermittently until Rossamund came by.

Approached warily, fully willing to believe at this point that his interest in speaking with her was, as with many others, focused solely around her brothers, which she was particularly reluctant about getting involved with, now. But ended up settling soon enough with the belief that the Myling really was every bit as miserable as he looked, and after laying down some gentles ground rules for the way he might speak about her family, if he wished to talk about things, opened her ears completely to anything the buck might wish to say.

Left later, when he'd been found by Talla - under other circumstances might have joined them. Took Ronrom to the Rainforest with her instead to force feed her and probably scream in her face, I don't know yet...


July 2nd, 2016

Still in a back-and-forth state of mind, keeping very much to herself with the exception of some routines: check-ins with her mother and the family, her half-brothers and their young if it seems appropriate, Stria for regular cuddles, and Ronra... very carefully. Wandering in and out of Savera's world a lot and spent a solid day or so not moving at all from a spot near the pond, save to greet a few who came by to visit.

Surprised to be greeted in a questioning tone by Kushal. Immediately concerned that something might be wrong for the older feline to address her out loud - and then concerned about navigating what just turned into a nice, normal conversation. Pleasantly surprised by the nature of his polite questions and exchanged niceties and vague words to explain her absence, as well as ask after his well-being, after some mental anguishing over the right thing to say. Hadn't completely missed that the other cat had seemed more reserved and in his own head for the past few months now, and did her best to address it without... directly addressing it, mind swimming a little bit especially as they were joined by a increasingly familiar presence (Juliet!) and her little brother (Deus!). Quieted a little with the new arrivals, half comforted by the words Kush had given her just moments ago and half unsure what to do from there and was left to think on it. Enjoyed a fairly relaxing afternoon with the group which later grew to include Ron, Kío, and OTHERS? (possibly?? maybe I'll stop waiting 2-3 days to write updates... sorry if I forgot anything else.)

Left for her grandmother's place the next few days, keeping a distant AND JEALOUS eye on Shahla's coming and goings because she kind of looked like she was on a mission. Ventured back in today and found a spot to sun that just happened to be near Kío, Amadeus, and Día.


June 26th, 2016

Overly aware of a great deal of trouble involving (primarily, to her family tunnel vision) Shardul and Nikhil's family the day before. Kept out of it for the most part where it obviously didn't concern her but also kept a distant look out for anything she might be able to help with. Floated around a little, hanging out with Bijoux and her company (including Ross and a fawn) briefly and then finding Kío, Día, and Kshanti at the Blue Bowl. Stayed with them a while, keeping an eye on nearby action particularly when Nikhil came thundering through at one point chasing a deer (Summit). Reassured a little to exchange nuzzles with him and distant hello's with Lekha, and then returned to Kío while on and off casting looks to Quay nearby, several times creeping closer without actually trying to acknowledge what she was doing. Extremely concerned over things she really didn't want to think about but pretty upset by the little lion's demeanor.

Then Quay bailed and Shahla showed up, ignored Circe in favor of checking on other family members RUDE BITCH, and finally came by for a proper greeting. Filled her in on the events of the day prior like a dirty narc. Really just wanting to try to keep afloat of certain family members' feelings despite feeling like she was constantly drowning in that effort herself - and allow her mother the same chance with her more decisive emotions. Equal parts vexed and comforted at Shahla's reaction, which was namely to just stomach it and ask how she was doing. Unable to shake off concerns as easily as her mother, but also glad to see that it didn't seem to trouble her mother as much as she feared which in itself took a lot off her mind. Spoke a little of the current day, too - not that she knew much of what was happening but how there was about fifty various members of their family, half of them young ones, running around and she didn't know what to do. Got some advice and was like "Yes, duh," but honestly, was about to go back to stalking Quay probably because I do as you do, not as you say. Made the mistake of sassing her mother when she'd turned away, though, so was viciously beaten until Kshanti jumped in to either save the day or help - either way took some of the focus off her and things quickly spirraled into, for Circe, some hectic playtime and roughhousing. Didn't know what to do about the sudden surge of relief and love she felt after speaking with her mother and playing so just boxed and swatted her younger sibling around, and in all honestly probably needed to seek some alone time about half way into this interaction but also couldn't break away from the family time especially when Kío got involved and they all ended up piling on top of Día in the flowers.

Slept (of course) and woke up feeling extremely anxious and disoriented. Got up to have some solo time near the pond and was joined by ANOTHER LITTLE ONE - no it didn't really count it was Lekha and she was really happy to get some one on one time with the cub who didn't even act like much of a cub anyway and it was incredibly chill she absolutely didn't have to pretend to eat her. Smiled and returned Nikhil's nuzzle when he came by, excusing them to speak and though he said it'd be brief, suspected otherwise and took the cue to make herself as scarce hoping to remove the pressure of either needing to follow through on that for now.

Went to Savera's world for a little while and returned later on hoping to catch Stria for their scheduled snuggle session. Fell asleep waiting and woke up to find her snuggling with Yoko halfway across the Forest instead?! Joined in and ended up crashing at the shika-mix's home for the night. Woke to find Stria still there as well as Kío and Shahla nearby and happily allowed herself to enjoy the company when everyone huddled together and Día joined them.


June 24th, 2016

Spending her days back either recovering from the Elyria trip or reuniting with certain presences - Ronra, Nikhil (and children! I think all three at various points but from afar.. maybe an up-close Shikha at one point), baby siblings, Rohit, Kío, Kushal (very quick visits though), and, today, Shardul. Lounged around with him, Nikhil, and Ma'ao for some time at the pond's side despite the subconscious nagging that she might be overstaying her welcome. A fear that shifted into simply worrying she was pushing her luck when she noticed Jyoti immersed in the shallow end of the pond. Stayed where she was, hoping for the best even through Nikhil standing to exchange words with the Firefly, though a small brawl did eventually break out.

More or less uselessly followed Shardul's lead, hoping to not overstep her boundaries by being the shittiest sitter keeping a distant eye on Ma'ao BUT OH the child is hitting my brother, now, too. Everyone knows that fawns decide fights! Please don't kill Jyoti, Ma'ao! For all her feelings on the matter, hoped Jyoti would share her desire to not see a young one involved and asked as much of him when there was a lag, and chance for things to discontinue without any significant consequences. Stung by the look Jyoti gave her before he moved off, just kind of floundered around for a while and gravitated toward Ronra without even really realizing when or how the lioness had appeared. Got checked on by Shardul and then did the same for Nikhil - didn't need to do the same for Ma'ao, kind of chuffed at him and his badassery and said bye somewhere in there before going to find Ron again. Opted to shove herself between the lion and her head into her paw once they were alone ENOUGH, Ron's tree is great for hysterics...

Worn out later, just sleeping and finally shutting up. Got some really sweet cuddles by Zorn, Talla, and Ron but wasn't awake to know it.

June 16th, 2016

Though time works differently there, clung onto her time in Elyria to an excessive degree even by their measurement. Kept herself busy getting things ready for Leia's anticipated return from the healer's, and had an emotional reunion with her mother, for the first time in a long while being able to visit Leia when she wasn't caged behind bars. Able to get in some quiet conversations with her mother, but spent the majority of time simply allowing herself to let the relief to sink in properly while letting Leia recuperate and the comfort her improved health brought in itself. Glad, of course, not simply by Leia's pardoning but her siblings' as well, even if the latter came with an exhaustive amount of emotions, most of which she didn't allow herself to process past the point of not wanting either of her mothers to have to lose another child.

Left exhausted, emotionally and mentally, by the whole ordeal. During her visit, also unsettled by both blooded siblings' demeanors during the proceedings - Sonali's anger and Jyoti's aggression at various points sparking a small frustration that she promptly tried to bury, but undeniably evoked many parallels with their behavior toward their older siblings. Overwhelmingly relieved in several regards though, and trying to focus exclusively on that, despite more selfish fears and bitter tastes that will likely linger until she gets a chance to speak with several individuals.

Slowly acclimating to being 'alone' in mind and presence now that she's back. Not finding anything unappealing to a solitary lifestyle and in fact, welcoming the opportunities to demonstrate independence in meaningful ways... after immediately seeking out the nest while various family members were away and stuffing herself inside it stealthily. Ended up being discovered by Shahla, Xiao, and Dia and enjoyed a very comfortable arrangement of warm bodies (including Ksha and 'Deus) curled up with her. Happy enough with that; overjoyed to wake later and catch the scent she'd been hoping for. Went to receive her Elyrian mother for the visit she'd promised she'd attempt to make. Took it as a good sign that Leia was able to successfully call up two portals so early in her recovery, spirits raised considerably to sense an elevated sort of power about the doe.

Led her back to the den's grounds and beamed through a reunion with both mothers. Didn't get involved too much except to voice, several times, that her littermates would want to see the prodigy but so early into her own return, didn't know where to direct her search. Urged Leia to come back again for a visit soon, longing to be able to introduce a few other important presences to the doe but also knowing such a thing would need to happen organically and without pressure; conditions that would merit a certain luxury of time and freedom that she didn't yet know if they had. Led her to sit near the family just as Stria arrived. PISSED to not be able to sit with both does at the same time, but couldn't really work it out in her head a way that such an arrangement would be comfortable for both members, knowing how Stria needed her freedom in certain cases especially where it involved their family and also knowing Leia would err on the side of backing off if she thought her presence was putting off another.

Assumed as much had transpired when she woke some time later to find the area clear, except for her sister. Glad the wine-colored doe, even in looking after herself, had seen visiting Circe as a part of that action, and gladly scooted closer. Sad to miss the ivory's departure but figured she'd probably elected to let her sleep as a courtesy, a notion that was confirmed the next day by Shahla.

Only moved around the next day to keep watch on some happenings with Jyoti, Shahla, and Dia, mostly from afar. Feeling an immense melancholy at times as well more and more. Settled uneasily at a sunspot and was surprised to be joined by Rhona, the red doe she'd met with Stria a few days before she'd left for Elyria. Ended up muttering an apology as she returned from checking in on her family a final time, and noting the way the swan was eyeing a nearby stranger, asked if she'd want to move. Surprised when she led them quite a ways off but found something appealing about the situation, as well. Rested with the doe for a lengthy nap and later roamed a bit... FULLY AWARE of Ronra's presence by this point and mentally freaking out a little over a few things, decided to just put off ambushing the lion for a short time. Having a lot of crazy thoughts and feelings but still fairly embarrassed over their last meeting. Trying to play it cool now..........

Ended up back near the presence that had startled Rhona, by no accident, though also no ill intentions. TARGETED BY THE CAT MAFIA and got sat on briefly by Umay but loved every second and just took it, and around that time was joined by Bijoux. Gave a few appreciative purrs in hello to the familiar female and kept an eye on a nearby group with some apprehension. Spent the rest of the day there off, trying to rest and eventually seeking out Savera's world for the night.


May 25th, 2016

I thought I could wait until she came back to update but as usual Ems ruined everything...
No, I'm kidding, I made her rp like 8 different characters in a week, I'm so sorry Ems... no one deserves this much Circe...


In a failed attempt to gain Stria's attention one morning, encountered a pleasant creature (Rhona) while lightly stalking the wine-colored doe. Charmed by the unfamiliar hind on two fronts: first, that she was seemingly looking out for her sis's well-being (always appreciated), and two, that she exchanged civil greetings when she realized Circe and Stria were family. Not used to the last particular in most interactions with Stria's friends, and gladly spent a few hours dozing nearby the Red Swan and Bijoux, even being joined by Stria when the stubborn hind came back around, and took a nap while listening to the two speak.

After having her confidence, and heart, in a few ways shattered over the past weeks, surprisingly able to pick herself 'up' between this interaction and one specific brief-but-meaningful visit from her 'stepmother.' Reduced to an almost hilariously simple calm after Kío's visit and words and managed to feel put back on the road to rights in some regards.

Would have been determined in trying to resolve a few important matters if she'd had the time, but later the next day was approached by a strange, serpentine individual. After a somewhat tense greeting, learned of why they were here but failed to get much more information than that. Faced with a decision that should have had her think twice, especially after learning where they were from. But between their approaching when she was around family, apparent willingness to leave her alone if she turned them down, and an undeniable curiosity over Jyoti's gruesome disappearance and Sonali's much more subtle one, agreed, with an uncertain heart, to be taken back to Elyria. Asked if she could have some time to say good byes first and was given that much, which further helped her make up her mind.

Decided against informing any family members, however, primarily wanting to keep it from Shahla and spare the tigress what she knew could turn into an indefinite state of worry for the adult who was already mourning one child, and was now faced with an increasingly suspicious absence from Sonali as well. Couldn't fathom any sort of overt good-bye that wouldn't hurt the tigress even more, however conflicted she became over the matter. Gave herself a few more minutes of lounging lazily with her present dozing family members (Shahla, Xiao, and Kío I THINK??) before going back to Savera's world. Spent the rest of daylight hours racing about marking all the trees she could find, satisfied when her scent permeated a large amount of her grandmother's territory and then even daring to go a little outside of it.

Hoped that would buy her a little bit of time when Shahla came to notice her absence, but made other plans as well, visiting a certain Lioness. That wasn't her only motive of course, but definitely went under the pretense of going on an adventure without her mother's knowledge and asking Ronra to look out for Shahla and what to do if it seemed like the tigress was doing something lame - like worrying about her. Not nearly half as confident about the whole situation as she pretended to be initially, but in many ways encouraged by the Wildmoon's mostly easy manner over the whole thing, as well as the turn the conversation eventually took. Giddy and nervous after, reluctantly parted with the other cat when it was time, and was brought to Elyria in a somewhat unconventional way.


May 10th, 2016

Spoke with Shahla a few days earlier to confirm what they'd both made of the traces of Jyoti's blood back in the Forest. Somehow could appreciate the tigress's blunt take on the situation, sparing both of them from having to dance around the painful subject, and the fact that she knew Shahla wouldn't judge her for any feelings Circe may or may not have on the matter. Attempted to return the acceptance as much as she could for her mother's own feelings, however much they might differ in some ways. Feeling for the tigress's loss of another child, yet again. Offered silent company, and a promise to speak with Sonali, hoping to take some pressure off Shahla in case the tigress didn't feel able to so soon.

Gave herself a few days to deal with surfacing feelings over the matter, less over Jyoti's disappearance and more for the sense of despair she felt for Leia, Shahla, Stria, and her half-siblings, all of whom she'd still consider her family before others. Stressing also over telling Sonali the news to the point of overall weariness over the matter and apprehension due to past difficulties in communicating with the Winged. Sought out the Golden yesterday and broached the subject, but upon the first hint of some mannerisms and demeanor that, to Circe, felt extremely bizarre for the situation, lost any thoughts of holding a conversation that could see a genuine understanding between of them. When the subject suddenly came back to herself, awkwardly thanked the Golden for her unsolicited offers of protecting their family, taken by a small flicker of mischief and curiosity, despite her frustration, when responding in kind seemed to work. Feeling dizzy and unreal, and just as unseen and unheard as she often did in less direct interactions around her sister, returned her affections with little feeling of connection to the whole situation. Spoke of the gifts she'd brought and stayed nearby until the other hybrid left, intrigued by the whole exchange but inwardly weary and concerned that Sonali would take the 'protector' role too much to heart.

Starting to feel stifled within the rainforest, returned today to get some space and clear her head, after venting some uglier thoughts. Joined by Kushal; grateful to find an excuse to gather her composure in another's presence. Snoozed for a while, waking to find him gone, but her sister's scent nearby. Moved down the hill to the area near the den that she's come to associate the Golden, hoping Sonali might seek her out later after the impression she'd gotten from their talk. Missed any such visits, if they occurred, and later when she awoke made a note to try to find the other Elyrian before scooting over to join a nearby Vodka. Happy to see the easy-going hybrid, and later, when Ronra joined, settled in far better spirits than she had been in for a while. Grateful and glad for positivity to be found in the Forest today, though intending to check on her mother shortly if she doesn't see a sign of the tigress.


May 4th, 2016

Has been spending more time out of the Forest due to Sonali's return to Savera's world. Despite conflicting feelings over the girl's presence now in two worlds she frequently occupies, focusing on the immediate relief that came with knowing the Golden was likely safer there, with uncertain threats lurking back in their birth home. Still, very much aware that it wasn't only outside threats that endanger her sister's well-being; feeling a strong sense of obligation to check on her whenever possible and let Sonali know she cares, hoping to relieve her from the issues Sonali has admitted to feeling as well as give her other family members the space and time to cope with their own emotions in whatever way they need--and not feel as if doing so will lead to permanent, mortal consequences.

To that end, has been running herself exhausted mentally as she presses down her own emotions over several scenarios and tries to divide her time between both returned siblings despite significant inner turmoil, which in itself, she resents as a personal shortcoming. Trying to not so much as falter in each proverbial step she takes toward trying to soothe the return siblings' feelings enough to give everyone else leave to deal with their feelings and ease the burden of a particular few, or so she hopes. In several ways, feeling robbed and unable to have the freedom to deal with her own emotions, but coping with it in some... odd ways, rather than completely denying their existence.

Spent most of Monday settled with Jyoti, distantly grateful to see him inch a little bit closer though the emotion was, by now, numbed and frayed. Gave a big smile and affectionate good-bye later, when it was time to go back. Lurked around her mother and sister the next few days, taking comfort in even their distant company at times but eventually started to grow uneasy with certain vibes given by Shahla. Returned to the Forest today to investigate but didn't make it much farther past where the portal opened in the Playground before realizing something was wrong, and pinpointing it to a region that still reeked with stale traces of her brother's blood.

Returned to the rainforest to pace around in a state of panic and failed attempts to console herself, which only led to recollections of the last time Jyoti had been murdered, Leia's resurrection of him, and, further, the unsettling realization of circumstances that would inhibit such a thing from happening again, with the prodigy's own fate dismal. In a state of somewhat absurd but sudden thought and grieving, if it can be called that this early--recalled suddenly that she had picked up Nikhil's lone scent during her brief visit earlier, and urgently returned to go sit with him with a mute apology in her gestures, and understanding when they weren't returned. Greatly disassociating; disturbed to see the normally-social cat isolated and focused on a few, very specific thoughts as she pressed against him. Slinked off when she awoke alone, leaving her scent at the trees over Stria's recent markings, and returned to the rainforest to speak to Shahla.


April 25tth, 2016


Several major events and conversations between family members have been pulling her into a state of conflict and balance that is starting to become second nature. Initially shaken and alarmed by a seemingly random attack on their family until a off-the-cuff remark by the assailant (Laidli) left her with a rash, paranoid thought--one she now worries she acted upon too quickly. Regardless, made two 'allies' out of the night - one, a kind elderly female (Bijoux) and another whose presence was far more fleeting (Saul). Incredibly thankful for each's assistance. Shakily said as much to the former that night, but in light of the close proximity Saul keeps to her mother's den, opting to be less direct and give them quiet company when at all possible until a better opportunity presents itself. Admittedly finding it difficult to find that kind of time to herself while in the Forest, however.

Grave but thankful after a discussion with Nikhil not too long after, each explaining a little more of their recent actions during a particularly relevant day. Somewhat grounded by the talk, particularly on the note on which it ended, but hoping her feelings for both half-brothers were conveyed.

Has been keeping mostly to herself while occasionally seeking out time with family, including Jyoti and Sonali. Still unsure about whether or not her presence is needed or even noticed in the latter case, but after several promises to herself and one made to Jyoti in an attempt to keep him out of harm's way a few days prior, sticking to it. Returned to the Forest after a night in Savera's world and checked in with her mother; crestfallen more at Shaha's demeanor than the news she had for her, but couldn't be surprised, exactly. Exchanged head rubs after and calmly went off to bathe and bask in the sun, thinking...

Spent the rest of the day with or around Sonali and Jyoti despite several reservations and trying to shut out her immediate family PRIMARILY Shahla and Amadeus because for once Kío and Dia were behaving. Grateful for small distractions, later crashed with a friendly stranger (Sannosuke) and a long-missed friend (Rohit); happy knowing she was likely pissing her mother off all the while.

Fell asleep later, happy to be joined by Stria and keep her sister at her side until the next morning, even being joined by other family members. Only moved for better cuddles and, later, to give Sonali some company when she came close but planning on rejoining Stria later, before she'd lose the chance.


April 19th, 2016

Maintaining an odd sort of mental stasis. Aware she's been mostly trapped between severe highs and lows over the past few weeks and being pulled thinner and thinner by the presence of both extremes. Able to focus on some of the very considerable good aspects with relative success in shutting out the bad.

Has had some wonderful days spent (mostly sleeping) in the presence of treasured family members, comforted most by her mother's presence but also a few very meaningful, in her mind, occasions where she's woken to Nikhil nearby. Trying to acquaint herself better with his and Shardul's cubs while also giving her brothers plenty of time with their families in much the same way she tries to do with Kío and Shahla's litter. Keeping a distant eye out for their well-being, however, and looking for ways to show the males that they are continuously on her mind.

To that end, finding some issues in the recent decisions she'd made with her littermates, a few feelings that are exaggerated even more in her mind due to the reception (or lack thereof) she feels she's given sometimes. Second-guessing herself a lot but sticking to the resolutions she'd already made particularly after the recent attempt on Jyoti's life, sickened over the gruesome traces of the Elyrian body she'd found in the Blue Bowl the next day.

Immensely worried over several matters, most involving family. Letting herself be distracted by a few new faces (specifically another cat, Vodka, and an interesting presence she'd observed yesterday) and, above all, time spent with Ronra and the continued support and comfort to be found in the lion's presence.


April 11th, 2016

Feeling significantly better after the day before. Spent the day going back and forth over a few thoughts and wearing herself out. Crept close to her half-brothers' home to visit from afar and realized several of her family members as well as some unrecognized individuals had amassed there. Stayed a while and then took herself on a small walk through the Forest, checking on Ronra's tree to find it empty but with the lion's scent heavy and deliberate. Heart sank a little at the message.

After some time returned to her brothers' place, coming closer when Nikhil had had enough time to send her off if for some reason there was a problem with her being around the new cubs--still had his comment from her first day back about having lost his charm at the back of her mind. Moved closer with renewed confidence when he greeted her and beckoned her closer, affirming her thought that the matter was rectified, and fell asleep for some time.

Later, after checking but failing to catch any of her littermates' scents, moved off to her spot in the Playground and lounged for a while. Checked for Ronra one last time before frowning and returning to Savera's for the night.

Slept late and returned the next morning. Made for the Playground first thing to let herself wake up properly.

Stayed there for quite some time, immensely pleased to be visited by Umay - easing her mind for several different reasons, glad to see the matriarch at least moving around after some recent happenings, although if the lioness was anything like her own mother she could guess her silent movements spelled danger for anyone who would try to stand in the adult's path today. Not so brave herself, not troubled when the Hearth moved off and returned to lounging around in fair spirits despite a few matters.

Came across Jyoti and Ramsus fighting in the Pond later. Watched, growing increasingly more agitated as others came by, ultimately relieved when Shahla stepped up and broke things up. Lost her temper a bit when the Firefly lingered in the vicinity, however, and stormed off herself to gather her thoughts. Grateful to be checked in on by her mother and exchanged a few words, some of which was unnecessary because after she'd had a chance to calm, she moved over herself to watch the tigress's conversation with her son. Stood with 'Deus, being asked some questions and gradually growing more and more huffy when her attempts to groom him were rejected. FIXED the situation though, in her opinion, and promptly made herself scarce after a quick check-in with Shahla afterward to find out how the talk went. Tried to visit with Sonali and Jyoti after but they looked to be immersed in conversation. After some time of waiting, stole off to the Idol instead to join Kushal in a catnap.

Woke later to Kushal gone but a separate, semi-familiar scent lingering in his place. Didn't have to try too hard to place it, and moved to join Vodka in a sunny spot near the stream.

Sat in a companionable silence for some time, and perked up considerably when she realized Ronra had returned. Rose to greet the lion BUT SHE LEFT shortly after. Sat back down with Vodka, confused and irritated until hearing her friend's ROAR a few minutes later. Ran toward the direction she'd left her siblings in, at first suspecting an incident with the ram. Came to a full stop when she caught up to Ron and Gabriel engaged in battle with a Caribou who was vaguely familiar, though not as familiar as the emblem that was burnt into his shoulder.

Didn't have much time to process it however, realizing Jyoti was bleeding out on the floor and made an effort to help guard him, as well as the skittish little one (Torbjørn) in his presence, though it didn't amount to much than a few charges at the Elyrian bull before he backed off, already weakened it seemed. Half expecting him to faint and be at their mercy, stepped forward and watched uneasily as a dark vortex pooled behind him swallowed his still-conscious body.

Wheeled around to assess both Gabriel and Ronra, as they were closest, immensely comforted to see they were both upright and speaking but unable to process what exactly they were saying in that moment. Stepped over to her brother instead, bits and pieces of the lions' conversations filtering in as she set her sights on the unconscious male. Idly went about cleansing his wounds and even attempt to heal the one at his throat when she was hit by her mother's voice.

Attempted to put together her take on the situation, aided a lot by what she'd heard from Ronra just moments before, stressing that Ron and her uncle had helped Jyoti and backing off, overly aware she seemed to be scaring off the lynx cub. Confused and worried about the nature of this attack, and what it meant for her other mother. Excused herself to go check on Ron, stopping to give a somewhat-apology to Vodka for some reason that made sense to her. Moved to go join her friend under the Idol's tears, visited briefly by Gabriel as well.

Ended up moving to Ron's tree after, and being surprised when the Lion gave her a gift and the reasons behind it, and her absence for the previous day. HAD A BUNCH OF THOUGHTS and feelings and the RP had to go into the next day because I was tired and trustingly used the word 'cool' in a time of desperation, because I couldn't think of the right one, even though it felt so wrong for a TEF-based RP, and JD just went on to share it with the bitchiest lesbian ever:

[4/11/2016 10:02:34 PM] Ems: it's cool, totally rad man, love it dude

But basically ended the day on a high note despite the stressful events prior and the fact that Circe would pretend otherwise if asked.


April 9th, 2016

Spent the night near her mother's den, resting with Stria, and was immensely comforted, though not too surprised, to wake to Shahla dozing next to her. Tucked her paws beneath her and laid smugly staring at the tigress for a short time before realizing Dia was watching from the nest. Ambled a little ways off, secretly keeping an eye on the hatchling while their mother slept. When the fawn-cub saw fit to venture down into the Forest, reluctantly followed, though even she felt a pang of sympathy for her younger sibling when they went on a joint search for a Better Playmate Than Circe and came up empty-handed.

Ended up at the Pond and watched her sister glare into the water a little bit, finding it odd but glad in the end that the child didn't seem to be afraid of the water. Caught a dragonfly for Dia, thinking back to a time when Eve had given her one when she was a cub, and the act being followed by her mother bringing her an injured mouse a few days later - didn't kill the bug or even outright hurt it, but inhibited it enough to not fly away and stared when Dia just kind of let it rest on her head. Well, there's your new friend. Rolled her shoulders and mentally patted herself on the back.

Led Dia back to the Idol and jumped a little when she caught Shahla watched them from behind a tree... bolted and let her mother resume her rightful place, passing by the pair some time later to be roped into play/territory dispute by Shahla. Clearly won, but by that time attracted a few friendly onlookers and went to greet them and a nearby Ron. Lounged with the group for a while, noting Jyoti settling... somewhere nearby, as well as Maggot's unwelcome presence drifting around them. A bit unnerved, stiffly greeted a deer she'd seen with Maggot earlier (Tennacious) and later investigated a seeming dispute between Jyoti and a stranger cat (Aysel); concerned about the male's ability to keep calm, above all else, so fluffed up her fur and watched before things seemed to settle peaceful. Said good-bye to one of their earlier companions (WHOSE picto I know but name I completely forget, I'm sorry!) and returned to Ronra's den. Settled among the spread of nearby family members, somewhat tense over several matters.

Stayed with Ron for some time at her tree, not fully able to relax and when the lion fell asleep... fretted a little, mentally, but quietly moved off to pretend sitting next to her mother was an accident. Greeted a stranger (Vodka) a little more warmly than she might've given the circumstances when she realized he had some feline traits, and sat with the other hybrids as well as a friendly fawn, trying to wrap her head around a few things. Joined by Ron later.


April 8th, 2016


Feeling her failure to properly reconnect with many cherished individuals, after her extended time away and several conversations between family members (close and estranged alike) that left her hyper-aware of her own potential for failing or disappointing others. Started out on a fairly clean path of keeping her visits with others to a manageable limit on days when she's trapped within her head, so to speak, but forced into a few confrontations sooner than she'd have chosen, and was left feeling unequipped to handle it. Descended into a state of mind that she despises in herself: feeling cornered and condemned.

Through the last hiatus from the Forest has come to realize not much has changed in her absence, some others being significantly better off, and, while thankful for the happiness of loved ones is not above submitting to seductive, hateful hypotheticals over her own significance in the moments she takes for herself.

Thoughts are strongly with Leia on most days, even around others, replaying parts of their last visit and grieving herself over the inevitable events of next few weeks and conclusion to come. Both soothed and torn apart over her light-mother's parting words, or instructions, and essentially trying to relearn herself. Did get to meet one of her new nieces--Lekhasa--a few days after returning to the Forest, and while enchanted and happy for her brothers, is growing increasingly unable to look at anything pure and good and not think of the possibility of bringing harm to it, borderline panicking at the thought of becoming anything important to anyone at this point. Despises the thoughts as soon as they come, and is unable to figure out what to do about them save for putting forward false cheer and excusing herself in the worst cases.

Taking a measure of peace in the space and understanding of Shahla, Stria, and Ronra in particular, allowing herself the simple joy of harassing her mother on and off, soothed by the security of her relationship with the tigress even as she's grown aware that she's testing the adult's patience in the days to follow. More aware than she lets on that Shahla hasn't been able to express many of her own emotions in favor of putting her offsprings' first, though couldn't have imagined how true that was until an especially gut-wrenching talk brought up fears she'd only just managed to set aside. Made a rash and sudden decision--or rather, a few. Conflicted over one in particular, involving a certain Lion, which only tampers with her emotions and state of mind even more, though in a very different way, and for the other--has already accepted the likely inevitability of reactions from others. Dissolving to several, scattered airs as coping mechanisms when it suits her. Changing her in-forest hiding spot of choice after remembering de Drinkplaats bring her half-brothers discomfort or pain, not wanting to draw the attention of any young dark-wielders should she retreat there.


March 25th, 2016

[8:00:48 PM] Ems: oh a polar bear graced us with her presence


March 24th, 2016

While outside the forest, had her body and the area around it regularly guarded by her grandmother and, until recently, Shahla. Lost track of time in making numerous attempts to either enter her Dream or prolong each visit enough to try and forge a connection with the Prodigy. Despite some measure of success in the past, only succeeded after many failed attempts due to a concurrent ploy made by one of Leia's friends in Elyria.

After an emotional reunion, made it her first order of business (after asking after the doe herself) to find out about Sonali. Couldn't forget the blunt subject matter in their last conversation and with the doe's sudden absence in the Forest, instantly had her mind go to the worst until denied by her mother, who had felt Sonali's own visits to her dreamworld. Filled her in on a few recent affairs with all her siblings and Shahla after, and tried to stave off a few feelings brought on by certain revelations. Things inevitably took a more somber and final turn, both unable to deny the circumstances now taking place around them both.

Welcomed the chance to discuss her own magic, briefly, getting some sound advice from the adult on that subject and a few related ones. Admitted to a few feelings and fears, and was gratified to be only met with acceptance and gentle encouragement. Opened her mind to a few possibilities that she would normally avoid. Shared a good-bye with her mother that came sooner than either would have liked - blocked out the obvious outside interference and focused on Leia's promise that she would try to see her, and all of her littermates, one last time. Clung onto her mother's presence for every last second she was able before the inevitable happened and she was left summarily exhausted with tears in one world and wide awake in a panic on another.

Set on by a strong sense of devastation and homesickness. Spent one last night wide awake in the Rainforest, enjoying the atmosphere and comfort of Savera's unobtrusive presence not far. Slept late the next day and woke with the realization that Shahla's scent was less present than was ever normal. Not terribly alarmed, knowing her mother as she did, but made her way back through the jungle cautiously, taking her to the portal leading her into the Forest.

Distant and guarded in many aspects, hadn't anticipated being put directly into the fray of her emotions by appearing where Jyoti had taken up residence. Not surprised to see the Firefly back after speaking with Leia, but unnerved and overwhelmed all the same by being put 'on the spot' as well as the male's sudden, marred appearance. Uneasy as always with his cowering and bowing, slowly picked her way towards the den where she greeted, and was greeted, with some mixed reactions by Nikhil, Shardul, and a badly injured Shahla. Overcome by guilty feelings for a few reasons, channeled it into a feigned aloofness and padded off after thoroughly marking over the area and getting her mother to sit. Slipping between a few different emotions and thoughts, and likely to still keep her trips to the Forest sporadic for a time.

Did manage to speak to Nikhil when the Incendiary followed her a small distance off. Grateful, of course, for the gesture as well as the effort though still feeling very off in many respects. Uplifted by the news he imparted on her and made a quiet promise to herself to visit the newly-expanded family very soon.

Proceeded to spread good cheer and happiness the rest of the day...

No but actually trying to make about 50 different points to her mother at the same time and then reunited with Kushal when he joined her at certain sun spot. Quietly thrilled when Ronra showed up after a leisurely catnap.

February 17th, 2016

Made the cowardly but long overdue decision to flee the Forest the same night as her nieces were (unknowingly) 'born.' Finally succumbing to the pit of deeply-buried feelings toward herself and her littermates, and the totality of all their actions, severe self-loathing and resentment taking hold and forming a tangible rift between the teenager's mind and soul. Had been holed up in the seclusion of de Drinkplaats for a significant portion of the past weeks fostering feelings of disgust toward some very basic components of herself.

Given the impression Sonali left after their previous discussion, has taken her missing presence from the Forest very seriously and with further exacerbation of the fears she'd already held about Leia's impending execution, and the fact that she's seen or heard no evidence of the Prodigy since resurrecting Jyoti.

Coming to "terms" with the fact that this may have been her mother's final act, which is to say, starting to grieve fully, and can only guess at what had become of the Golden, but fears the worst as well. Several kind visits from Ron, Kushal, and Stria later had her more appreciative than she could possibly express, as well as blood family members such as Shahla, Nikhil, and Shardul, but is starting to recognize the grief for what it is, as well as several other fears in moments of emotional honesty.

Despite initial assurances to the contrary, that the cubs, who would be made from Dark Magic like her half-brothers, would be able to get to know her, the truth that relinquishing any right she might have to get to know her future niece or nephew(s) was the surest way to spare the innocent any pain would be a constant and nagging pressure in the back of her mind, enhanced with the all-too-fresh memory of NIkhil crossing the Plaats barrier several times this past week in order to see her when she hadn't realized the fountain's magic was harmful to him. Attempted to curb or at least put off the reflexive guilt that rose like bile at the back of her throat at the time; had since adopted a practice of trying to move out of the Drinplaats if she caught either of her half-brothers' scents in the Forest, just in case it could help prevent putting them in such a situation again, and respecting their choices as she always had in the past. Far from a light sleeper though, so it was a plan with flaws, but did manage to have a quick conversation with Shardul about the cubs when she'd thought ahead enough to make herself accessible to the Nightling. Not knowing or daring to ask how soon it might be, yet suspecting it could be soon by the fact that Shardul brought it up so suddenly, hit by a new swarm of fears and worries for the as-yet unmanifested family members.

Overall, disgusted by her own lack of faith and willingness to impose, or burden, the family that has already bent to her comfort far too many times to count; but the self-pity and martyrdom only heaved an additional layer onto her emotions that twisted things further rather than acting as any kind of comfort. Sick of hurting others, particularly the ones she loves most. After chaperoning Dia through a visit with Nikhil and Shardul earlier that day, a goodbye, as it was, headed down to update Ronra. Sat with her and later Zorn for a peaceful remainder of the evening, unaware of her brothers having children the next room over!! if you could just wait a second Circe! and left shortly thereafter in the hopes of finding a quiet spot in Savera's world where she could retreat and relearn herself.


January 31st, 2016

Remained at Ronra's tree well into the next day, only stirring when some business with the raptor from the day before came close. Having reached a sort of truce with Vittani earlier in the day, mentally took the female's side while watching her seem to be a target from at least one individual (Maggot). Left after determining she could handle herself and returned to her hiding place of choice.

For one reason or another, sticking inside the barriers of De Drinkplaats most of the time. Sleeping deeply, oblivious to Stria visiting just outside of it as well as Nikhil even braving its magic to nuzzle her at one point. Dragged herself out to go sit with Ronra and promptly fell asleep at the Lion's tree along with her company (Zorn). Stayed there the rest of the night, gradually growing more and more appreciative of the wolf's company and though unaware of another semi-familiar presence (Damien) visiting while she slept, starting to become pretty comfortable with the massive sleepover especially when noting Zorn had moved closer and Ron rejoined them.


January 28th, 2016

Essentially at her worst - not emotionally (has been at similar if not exceeding lows before), but behaviorally. Scattered and dissonant, intolerant of spending time around others seemingly regardless of who, with rare exceptions that usually require a great deal of effort to see through. Putting on a vapid and shallow front.

Guarded the nest a little bit the previous day when she'd noticed the surrounding area was crowded. Later received a quick check-in from Shardul, and then carried herself over to the Playground. Unaware of a nearby Umay, curling up in a dark corner of the rocks until briefly putting her attention on a nearby stranger (Knaven). Put off and ultimately darkened when Jyoti appeared suddenly, very close, and many unpleasant reminders spurred unfavorable thoughts toward herself when she realized he was going to stay there. Not long after had a small territorial dispute with a female raptor (Vittani) that was mostly nonviolent, and relocated to De Drinkplaats where she stayed that night and the majority of the next day.

Dragged away with very little coaxing from Ronra, moving to the lion's tree and after they both marked it a few times, able to relax enough to stay out in the Forest with her friend.


January 26th, 2016

Still mostly keeping to herself, rarely having the will to seek out others and when she does, even less frequently able to do much more than curl up and feign sleepiness. More tired emotionally than anything else, finding comfort in visits from Kío in particular as well as, of course, Shahla. Spoke with the tigress a few nights ago after receiving some words of warning from Nikhil about Kushal, tacking on her own observations about the male although of course would leave it up to her mother how to handle her relationship with the Lion, it never having been their prerogatives to tell the other with whom they may socialize. Mostly wanted to give Shahla a heads up that she likely would confront the male if she spotted him around the nest again.

Unable to pick up many signs of her litter-mates, though admittedly hasn't ventured around much to know for sure. Visiting her half-brothers here and there and able to catch traces of their scents that indicate they've been doing the same while she's out cold, which is a distinct comfort. Slipping into an seductively carefree haze in her dreams and is reluctant to try to break out of it for the time being. Uncertain and tense in rare waking moments.

January 17th, 2016

Scattered and distraught. Following a rather loud and frank conversation between Shahla and Jyoti, rattled by a few conclusions she's reached about the personality traits shared in majority by her littermates, as well as herself. Seeking solitude for the most part, driving herself mentally toward a level of self-loathing and disgust that digs down to the very fiber of her being.

Pulling herself together enough when around others to try to accomplish a few 'obligations,' but her confidence in the likely success of such acts is obviously shaky and forced. Tending to break away from others though acknowledging in the back of her mind with gratitude the presence of family members as well as Ronra, Rohit, and Anneliese, at various points.

January 14th, 2016

More or less shut down following a conversation with Sonali that rode on the tailend of a significantly depleting talk with Jyoti. Devastated over a question the Golden put to her, and more torn than ever despite the very rational, and unshakable, decisions that conflicted with the subject of the talk. Ones she refused to back down from. Ones she knows are the logical and sane and best for everyone, despite the feeling of her emotions ripping away and desire to frantically try to do anything to help, which reason told her would only make things worse. Feeling more and more trapped in between the pillars of what 'has' to be done and flailing against the figurative boundaries.

Didn't disagree with Sonali on some fronts--that Jyoti needed somebody, despite the Golden seeming to think that was something she was against. Just knew it couldn't be from her; that for one reason or another the Firefly had never been helped by the things she had to say, and it would lead to Nikhil or Shardul feeling insignificant, which wasn't a matter she was willing to compromise on, even if she could understand why Sonali would, given what Jyoti had been able to do for her. As much as she sympathized with Sonali's attempts to draw concern to the Firefly's plight, couldn't help but think of the implied glossing over of the hurt he'd caused Nikhil and Shardul in doing so, and feeling as if the other light witch may not fully grasp the situation, for not the first time. Nonetheless, too broken to respond succinctly before she left.

Spoke briefly with Shahla upon returning to the nest and finding the tigress injured, but couldn't bring herself to staying, finding the area crowded. Already believing she's lost the Golden, if not through the circumstances brought to her than through the parting words that more or less suggested she would side with Jyoti. Not well; essentially in a state of advanced mourning, lingering rawness from old losses and the anticipation of new ones (or ones that wouldn't be so new). Trying to not give voice to the hurt she feels, despite a comment made from Sonali that left her feeling as if she was failing in that regard even so. Withdrawn and scattered, devastated for several parties. Approached by Tsa and for a moment tensed, dreading navigating another potentially emotional conversation with one of her littermates, but was reminded of her still positive ties with the Forge Fire when her sister just gave an understanding nuzzle and left her alone. More grateful for that than she could express (and did express..). Moved to De Drinkplaats and curled up beneath the sloped... slab.. fountain.


January 13th, 2016

As it typically went, experienced a day of extremes in terms of emotion. Found by the White Witch in her slumber and learned about Jyoti's resurrection that was already underway. Informed her of the events leading up to the Firefly's death and though disappointed to learn there was nothing they could do now that he was already in his Dream, slightly gratified by the evident shock from the Oracle and her regret over not being able to offer an alternate option. Felt a sense of sickness, not just for the situation but the imminent feeling of loss that the whole conversation held, that settled in her stomach and didn't go away for the rest of the day. Not helped by an abrupt and uncertain departure as Leia was pulled away back to her world by unclear circumstances. Quietly devastated by the break, but tried not to dwell on the very paranoid thoughts caused by their goodbye and focused on urgent matters.

Sought out Shahla and after some time spent in silence in the rain, told her mother about Jyoti's impending return to the Forest. Surprised that the tigress wasn't as bothered as she thought she might be, though could also understand why she might be relieved for him to return--and it wasn't because either of them had hopes of reaching an understanding with the Firefly now. Settled after exchanging a few thoughts and doing her best to convey Leia's safety with a lightness she didn't really feel, and cuddled with her mother and Deus for a while. Moved off to go sit near Nikhil and Shardul when she caught their scents, the latter sleeping. Sat nearby and was joined by Kushal briefly before Shahla pretty much chased him off.. thanks mom, three friends was too much anyway. :/ Kind of too forlorn in that moment to do anything though felt pretty bad, between her mother's presence and Nikhil's didn't want to set the Warrior up for trouble if she followed him, and worried herself over the conversation with Leia while waiting.

Warned Nikhil soon after, doing her best to make sure the Incendiary know how she and their mother both felt about the matter, from what she knew anyway. Mostly just wanted to give him every warning she could and time to leave the Forest if he wanted, though couldn't pinpoint an exact time the Firefly would return aside from "soon." The conversation ended up taking an unexpected turn, broaching the subject they'd only danced around since they began growing closer as a family. As wary as it made her, hit by the show of trust Nikhil clearly displayed in even trying to explain himself and let her ask the questions that had, admittedly, troubled her for months now. As much as they had moved on from the past, decided in that moment to try to open up over the matter as she would with their mother. Properly explained her own actions on several significant parts of their lives as well as asked for clarification over things that confused or nagged at her, despite having wanted (and for the most succeeded) to brush over them in recent months. Very happy to have a resolution and had her confidence boosted a lot by the successful discussion.

Also struck by the sudden news that she might have another half sibling out there, a sister, but taking the brothers' reactions (or lack thereof) as an indication, jumped to some pretty hasty conclusions that mostly had her feeling for her mother. Knew Shahla's reluctance to ever give up on her children said something pretty significant when she'd never heard mention of an "Auiette" from the tigress's mouth. Overall positively affected by the chat, took some sage parting words from Shardul that caught her particularly off guard given her unsettling encounter with the witch earlier.

In some ways still unready when Jyoti did return just a few hours later, though at the same time glad she'd had enough time to give warnings to everyone who she felt deserved them the most. Mostly stayed back with Xiao and Amadeus when they followed Shahla, who investigated the Firefly from afar. Clarified a few things with the tigress when she learned the male was breathing and seemingly well--not surprised, and elaborated a little on the talk with Nikhil and Shardul earlier. Then moved back to the den, feeling heavy and exhausted. Not stressing too much, despite herself; doesn't think there's much to be done from here given how Jyoti had left things and treated Shardul and Nikhil prior to his passing. More preoccupied than she admits by thoughts of Leia plaguing her, tiredly tried to think past the repetitious cries from the Firefly though they seemed to be upsetting some members of the family, particularly the hatchlings. Prepared to let him have his first day back spent however he needed to recuperate - doesn't and can't say what it's like to literally be brought back from the dead but figured a grace period was to be expected, and tolerated, as long as it didn't harm others. Mixed feelings when Tsabhi showed up... so sleepy-scowled at the mud and flowers her younger siblings had 'decorated' her with and greeted Rohit and Stria before literally crashing her tab for no apparent reason and being unable to get back in retiring with her thoughts even though it probably would have done her a lot of good to hang out with the two. Sorry, Circe..

The next day watched the first encounter unfold between a wounded Nikhil and Jyoti since the younger's resurrection, along with Shahla. Stood on the side with her mother while the Incendiary asked to be left alone despite the other's attempts to offer aid at first. Frowned when it seemed to take a bit of convincing but ultimately Jyoti did leave; did kind of believe that in doing so, Jyoti was acknowledging her and Shahla's ability to better look after Nikhil as well their older brother's wishes, and was grateful for that act of deference and concern. Sat with an envenomed Nikhil while a quietly fuming Shahla stalked around, and fell asleep a short time later. Concerned over several matters. Joined by Shardul later, and then when the brothers moved off, Shahla, Tsabhi, Dia, and Rohit.

(Except my internet decided not to show Rohit really, and JD's didn't show Shahla, so when Shahla moved off, Circe kind of trailed to help lead Dia and get in that very crucial early life sticky-beakin' training.)

But Tsabhi followed (and probably Rohit, sigh) and Circe ditched everyone because she realized she was free!

[1/13/2016 7:32:15 PM] Ems: circe the fuck you doin'
[1/13/2016 7:32:44 PM] Brit: enjoying my fucking independence ok
[1/13/2016 7:32:48 PM] Brit: i don't have to babysit this brat anymore
[1/13/2016 7:32:54 PM] Brit: not the fucking family nanny anymore
[1/13/2016 7:33:02 PM] Brit: thug life ok
[1/13/2016 7:33:12 PM] Brit: (but she goes back to the den anyway)

Joined by Tsabhi and Rohit.

January 8th, 2016

Visiting Sonali on and off upon noticing that the Golden has taken up a near permanent residency near their home. A little disappointed to not be able to catch her awake most times, but allowing her older sister to choose the pace and speed of their encounters as well as sleep over waking hours, if that was what was best for her. Glad to have her nearby regardless.

In between, not doing much else. Visited Umay for a short while when the lioness was near the nest, but after a time moved off to give her some space. Joined by Kushal! Sat with him for some time until Nikhil came over and... things... because Nikhil didn't want his childhood tree getting pregnant or something. :/ But eventually settled across from Kushal with Niki and Shardul, as well as Umay later and possibly others! But the player was really distracted...

Later noted Talla nearby and went to join her, found by Ronra after a time and then Tynan.

January 4th, 2016

Doing fine, day by day. Vising the den with regularity again though still very much within her head - moved closer to Sonali when she came around to visit one day, though she moved off a little later when Nikhil and Shardul joined them. Trying not to worry about it too much, having faith that the Golden child would look after herself when it came to her feelings with the brothers, allowing herself to prioritize her half-siblings' comfort without guilt. Still, toying with the notion of visiting her littermate if she sees her around the Forest, solely due to the circumstances that involved the Firefly.

Still bothered by the events that passed with Jyoti but not dwelling as much as she could. Showed Ronra the grave spot the other day and then ran into a cub who looked to be related to the lioness. Laid down and watched her friend investigate the strange child, and give him the lay down on some family matters. Pretty much smirked and stared judgmentally the whole time, decided the little squirt probably didn't recognize the obvious value of their big-kid wisdom but so far he seemed all right.

..Then ditched Ron a little while later when she realized her family (Shahla, Yú, Dia, Nikhil, and Shardul) were on a little excursion to the Ruins. Gotta be there for the kids' first time walking on dead people, so raced off and played with the family for a bit. Sat with a pleasant seeming male (Bénézet) and various family members, getting up at one point to draw in a passing Rohit.

Ended up in discussion with the buck later, when others moved off. Discussed gold ponies, chanting, and friends. Secretly looking forward to something he'd suggested, but trying not to get her hopes up, and grateful for the other's gestures in checking in.

Passed through the Birch today and made a beeline for the nest, catching Kío outside curled around the tree of sleeping babes. Sprawled out across the ground next to her exhausted guardian to help keep watch.

January 1st, 2016
Allowing herself lots of personal time and space to work through her feelings. Has mostly been avoiding the Birch out of the understanding that were she to visit, the temptation to linger in the company of various family members would become too strong to resist but that wasn't necessarily good for anyone. Honestly very keen on letting herself grieve, in her own way, for the loss of Jyoti - not so much his death but as the actions he'd chosen like, so long ago with Nikhil, she'd believed would irreversibly damage his relationship with all of them. Convincing herself in some small way that he did it out of anger or spite toward them, wanted to make himself unforgivable. At the same time, especially after speaking with Kío, struck by how angry everyone seemed after learning what had happened.

Feels the anger a lot, but not as often as some other things. Not denying any of the emotions this time, but also feeling guilty for some of the more confusing ones.

Checked on by Shardul quite a few times, in brief and wordless visits that did a lot to comfort her that he seemed to understand, and as much as she missed Nikhil, afraid of doing something to worry him because her eyes just keep leaking and there wasn't much she could do about it as it was. Smiled apologetically at Kushal when she'd woken to his visit; didn't move off as she was inclined to do because honestly the Warrior had an incredible knack of finding her in her worse moments and she didn't have the energy to pretend otherwise. Accepted his company while it lasted, and fell asleep for a while longer.

Roused later and finally took herself back toward the area Shahla had last seen Jyoti's body, this time determined to reach a conclusion. Ended up finding faint traces of his scent not too far away and after staring at the unassuming burial site for some time, used her light to purge the area of any lingering traces of his scent. Stumbled away after that, not wanting to give away the resting spot by hovering and ended up collapsing somewhere near her mother's food stash to curl up and break, disgusted with the circumstances as a whole.

Poked at by Stria and Ronra later; managed to scare them both away with FEELINGS as in "if you stay I'm going to cry all over you and maybe even tell you why" - Stria bolted anyway, and Ron returned later and just threw a bunch of flowers on her. Reluctantly blinked awake and realized the lion was still nearby, watching some business between Umay and Haakon (I THINK he's allowed to be recognizable - someone please lmk if not!) and upon learning the Obsidian had told Ronra to stay back, did her best to stop her alarmed friend from getting closer when both adults' forms had lowered the ground in the distance.

Approached by Gabriel and then Umay just shortly after she'd drifted off again, head tucked against Ron in an attempt to make her feeling obligated to stay, and obediently backed off while she and Ronra spoke a little more. Led Ron to the pond then, wanting to sit at the same spot they had last year when the stars came down from the sky, but that spot was occupied by a little evil fawn thug with a small tail VIÐARR. So sat nearby and made fun of Ron for losing her home to a bunch of teenyboppers and tried to cheer her up.


December 28th, 2015

Woke up with her mother curled around her. Moved a little to press against her side only to be met with the news that Jyoti had died. Asked about his whereabouts and exchanged a few words of comfort, as well as expectations, before Dia rose her sleepy head and Shardul and Nikhil joined them.

Nuzzled them both, but feeling undeniably off. Sleeping...

Returned home when she was found by Amadeus, curled up with Kio and the brat and finally spoke with the adult, filling her in on the events of the past few days since Shahla was out. Curled up tightly with her side against the green doe when she broke off, feeling Kio's thoughts on the situation strongly when they came. Though Kio seemed satisfied with ther initial explanation, strived to fill her in on as much as she could, believing she deserved to know. Broke down quietly in the green doe's midst after, though tried to compose herself as best she could for Deus's sake. Averted her head and whispered a few words of denial, curling into herself and comforted by her guardian.

Had a rare visit from Tsabhi not long after, and while she made sure to greet her sister as warmly as she could, still rattled greatly by the past day's events and the conversation she'd just had with their stepmother. Unable to bring herself to stay when Tsabhi's companion (Sinon), whom she remembered from their childhood in a less than fond way, showed up and they took to romping extravagantly around the den. Put off a little further when Nikhil and Shardul showed up, didn't have the heart to withstand the tension in the air so took herself on a walk with her thoughts, rickety and having difficulty finding an anchor anywhere.

Ended up trying to find Jyoti's body, searching around the area Shahla had mentioned earlier, but broke off when she reached the assumption that he had already been buried. Hit hard by the thought that she'd missed it, that whoever had buried him--ostensibly her sister or Kettu--had not judged them worthy of knowing where to find him. Struck down with this thought, skulked off without trying.

Checked on the nest a few times but again couldn't bring herself to stay. Ran for Ronra when she scented her, helped the lion find her former den (now a tulip), and laid with her head tucked under her shoulder. Crumbling.

December 27th, 2015

Spoke with Jyoti when he woke up, tiredly waving aside his initial apology and asking if he needed help getting back to his new home. Somewhat irked when admitted he could move himself; didn't show it yet wished he had went back to his den rather than chosen to curl around her, a distance she wasn't quite comfortable with, though figured he would take it as her telling him to never visit again if she said anything. In light of the tense conversation between he and Shahla the night before, which was far from concluded when he'd fallen unconscious in the middle of it, largely uncomfortable with him staying to talk with her when things were obviously not resolved with their mother's feelings. Shrugged the guar hide from Shahla off and reminded Jyoti yet again he was free to find her if he felt his health was in jeopardy, something proven last night, she felt. Frustrated with the male for pushing himself to this breaking point, collapsing on their hillside in the cold, and as he spoke on began to feel the conversation from the night before heavily, despite the male's supposed desire of wanting to keep trying, felt his demeanor and behavior pointed to the exact opposite, that he had no desire in hearing their feelings or trying to recover as a family.

Made a few halfhearted efforts to call that "bluff" and snapped when he asked if she wanted him to go away; if that was what he wanted to do, it was one thing, but growing more and more agitated with being painted as the one who wasn't trying, or wanted him to stop, when if anything she just wanted him to try harder - which she was beginning to realize was unfair to ask of him and most likely never what he wanted to hear. Felt it was useless to continue to offer he and Sonali advice when their actions would inevitably be colored by their own choices, feelings, and thoughts; furthermore beginning to believe the Firefly resented she and her mother more and more the longer they weren't able to accept him back as easily as he'd wanted. Stiffened when he stomped and screamed to her over an unnamed 'they,' though could guess who that alluded to with Nikhil and Shardul perched on a hill nearby. Returned to her half-brothers when Jyoti stormed off and exchanged a few words of comfort and scattered apologies that were cut short.

Baffled when instead of going back, Jyoti moved to the area of flat land directly in front of her mother's trees. Nikhil went to confront him; let him handle it, staying nearby with Shardul until things started to look as if they would turn violent, with Jyoti refusing to move each time Nikhil prompted him. Grew angry herself with Jyoti's actions seeming to speak, repeatedly, that he did not respect the wishes of the brothers who should have as much patience and deference as she or Shahla, if not more, given their murders. Even alluding outright at several points that their half brothers were stopping him from being "forgiven," as well as admitting that he believed she and Shahla hated him and were giving him false hope. Repelled enormously by the amount of resentment the Firefly seemed to carry, yet beginning to suspect this is how he thought of things all along--that their eldest brothers were an obstacle in his way and nothing more. Lost any and all ability to sympathize when Jyoti snapped that he had killed Shardul out of spite. Joined in along with Shardul to help break things up, while silently fuming that Jyoti's only intention since he came back to the Forest was to agitate the brothers even more.


Things ended with the youngest male bolting off. Stood uneasily in her place for some time in the area he'd abandoned, along with Nikhil and Shardul, until a frizzed-up Shardul thanked her and let her know he was taking Nikhil home. Fell asleep there.

Woke up to Sonali watching her closely and immediately bolted up, more than a little unnerved. Answered a few questions, a lot of them different forms of asking for 'permission' for different things that Circe no longer felt comfortable advising on, in light of the conversation with Jyoti the night before. Thrown off by a few comments made by the Golden, particularly one explanation that felt very... off, and inconsistent to her, but didn't say much except to encourage her to do what she wanted. If that was to try to repair things with them, even in the understanding that things could turn violent, negative, then so be it--though doubted it would be viewed as worth it in the end. Didn't have any problems like these in repairing things, several times over, with Shardul and Nikhil, but beginning to learn the light fawns had very different ideals on how they should be perceived. Eyed the pendants Sonali said she made for their brothers to protect them from her magic and was a little confused, having been around her brothers with no issues since the week Jyoti and Sonali returned without issue and assuming that they had fixed matters themselves. Didn't say anything, though idly wondered if that indicated that Sonali hadn't been around the brothers substantially since that time.

... And through that RP very awkwardly stood around in Forest when Sonali's player's internet fuzzed out on her... sorry to Kushal and Shaila who only got very small reactions. Though in Shaila's case, probably mostly accurate when she realized the girl was bawling after Nikhil trying to move her off--likely too thrown off by everything that was happening and more put off by the tears in this instance. You're a great person, Circe.

Moved around mostly in a haze later on, briefly encountering Shardul and Nikhil a few times yet feeling not too well or up to interacting with anyone. Greeted Gabriel and almost! approached Umay before shying off to the Pond instead, lying near Rossamund and falling asleep before long.

Returned to the den later and found Shardul in conversation with Shahla. Caught the end and was immediately filled with an eerie sense of foreboding, though did her best not to jump to conclusions until the Nightling filled her in that Jyoti had gone after Isabeau. Angered and slipping greatly, made a few quick comments to her mother that underlined her immense upset with the Firefly and the large amount of violence and anger she was convinced he felt toward their family. Less concerned about potential retribution from Ramsus--likely due to her low opinion of Isabeau and not thinking her worth it, but still incensed that the Firefly took it upon himself to place the entire family at risk, especially with knowing that Isabeau was Hälla's biological daughter, and it should have been deferred to the Grey, in a sense. To say nothing of the safety of all the little ones. Stalked back to the den after, shaking and turning over the likely consequences in her head. Very aware that Jyoti was injured and Sonali was with him, as well as Nikhil's role in it all. Though not able to blame the Incendiary (far from it; worried about him and Shardul), especially after what Jyoti had confessed, sickened by several thoughts as well as the anticipation of seeing what came of the fight, not least of all the Firefly's injuries. Too angry to go see him, knows she would be furious at what he'd done to himself, to their family, knew she would think he'd done it to spite the whole family the same way he'd wanted to spite Nikhil by killing Shardul.

And yet, devastated.

Waited to see what will come of the morning.


December 25th, 2015

Finally able to relax a bit more, finding things have taken an oddly peaceful turn since speaking with Jyoti and her mother the other day. Largely unaware of Shahla's brewing disappointment with the returned siblings, or at least able to focus on other, more positive aspects of life between day-to-day den living and visits with her older half-brothers. Spending a lot of time curled up contently at home with Shahla, Kío, Stria, and the newborns.

Woke late today, at once hyperaware of the large collection of parcels left by one of the nearby trees. Compelled to investigate--did, at several points, noting a few of them had seemed to have been removed already and opened--until finding one that she understood as being meant for her. Opened it to feel a strong mixture of affection and nostalgia, being reminded of the occasion not so long ago when she'd received gifts from both her mothers for the anniversary of her birth. Couldn't quite make out what the occasion behind these offerings had been, but very much trusted it to be an action of love from the tiger brothers and that was comfort enough. Smiled at Ronra's gift as well as Stria's (would probably have to later help both these losers with their gifts), glad for the gesture alone of the two being counted, rightfully, among the recipients, and spent some time admiring the trinkets because so much cool shit, totally probably thought the unicorn plush toy was some sort of real animal at first but the smell was all wrong. Will still keep him with her stuffed monkey, though. Incredibly happy, and then probably broke when she realized there were also gifts from Tsabhi hidden away in reeds nearby--MORE JEWELRY! took a special liking to the tail cuff as it reminded her the most of her missed sister, though doted over the flower crown and cloak as well. Tucked all away in her stash nearby for now, absolutely intending to try them all on probably at the same time later. Also probably jacked as much of the catnip as she could, because if it was still up for grabs this late then finder's keepers...

Spurred on by the excitement of the unknown 'holiday,' yet hushed and longing at the same time, found some place quiet to go and sleep and try to contact Leia yet again. Yearning for a connection with her Light Mother, dreading that the worst has come to pass already and spent some time in mental shambles after. Tried to call back the earlier high and ventured back out into the Forest, hoping to be able to snoop and see what the others received, but instead walked straight into a conversation between Jyoti and her mother that sent her a respectable distance back. Remained in earshot, however, feeling no need to offer privacy, no shame or even surprise at the topic conversation despite the mood. Felt a dim annoyance that Jyoti was making things messier, that this couldn't be the perfect, 'clean break' she'd always strived after in her mind, but then, also understood that was the nature of emotions and the Firefly's convulated manner of caring for them. However didn't question for a second Shahla's feelings about recent events, given her own decision during her single conversation with Jyoti--didn't want him wasting any more effort on her when he seemed to feel more inconvenienced by all of them. Could never recall feeling that way with Nikhil and Shardul, that they hadn't wanted to try to amend things with them, and was glad for her mother's sake if nothing else, that she was unwilling to accept less now.

Lingered around with Stria, seeking to share the cold with her and staying long enough to hear a fairly cyclical conversation between the other tigers, until two little alien-cubs came pouring out of the nest and, after some time, bolted for the rocks nearby. Followed after Dia and Amadeus, playing and then, maybe, snuggling (it was cold) until it was time to go back. Awkwardly greeted a semi-familiar doe, Khuna, while Amadeus straggled under Stria. Tucked him in with his sister (for now) and only then approached Shahla... wanted to offer some reassurance but instead was met with the sight of her brother, unconscious, at the bottom of the hill nearby, Shahla slipping a gaur hide over him and a rabbit pelt beneath his head before stalking back.

Settled nearby the Firefly so they could share the light from her amulet, finally caving into self-despairing thoughts as tucked herself up against the cold. Able to stoke up a small, formless sort of heat from her paws--nothing like the impressive fires her brothers were able to wield but enough to help ward away the bite of snow that would otherwise injure the fallen male. Frustrated, and tired, but more accepting than disappointed, seemingly. Considering a few things but for now, focusing on nursing Jyoti back to health, or at least keeping watch up close, though wary of his reaction to her when (or if) he does wake and vacantly accepting that whatever she does, likely wouldn't be enough. Stirred out of sluggish thoughts by Ronra's approach and initially felt a pang of worry about the effect of her magic on the Lion, but couldn't bring herself to do more than give a few questioning glances when her friend settled down peacefully nearby. Joined by Talla after a while as well, gave the best greeting she could muster for the sweet doe before sinking back to the snow. Watched over by a nearby Ronra as the night went on, though unaware of her presence and both Shahla and Nikhil coming by at various points later as she slept.

Confused to wake up to Jyoti curled around her, instead. A little vexed by that decision, wishing that if he had been able-bodied and conscious he would have moved off so as not to disturb other family members, but withholding judgement until she can know for sure that he would be healthy enough to move off, which he very well might not have been. Stood to shield him from the cold for as long as he'd need with that in mind, moving only when Ronra came back to go show her the parcel that had been left for her. Brightened somewhat over the matter, though returned to Jyoti quickly.



December 22nd, 2015

Feeling a lot better after taking the time to rest up, slowly on her way to feeling normal again. Rested a lot early on the day before with Shahla and then took herself on an excursion to get her energy up. Really, really secretly disappointed that her mother didn't want to poke her belly but played it off and enjoyed it when the tigress came over for cuddles anyway.

Next day found Kio and Shahla to the same effect. Very happily cuddled with the alien while Shahla snoozed, and then went over to mark some trees near Shardul and Nikhil who were both sleeping as well, before returning to cuddle with the green doe. Woke to the mothers being ridiculous (spellspamming each other) and Nikhil curled around her--stood over him until he woke and then engaged him in some antics, still a little wary about initiating spell-spamming the Incendiary just through old, negative associations with the act. Settled for roughhousing instead, though lightly pouted when he ended the games early seeking cuddles that she was actually all too happy to give. Snoozed a bit, waking only briefly to greet little Yú before settling right back down for another nap.


December 19th, 2015

Not yet feeling the effects of her recovered magic, even though she has no doubt that the crystal is helping her to regenerate what was lost. Spent some time the night before with Rohit before they parted ways.

More lethargic than anything, spending time at the den dozing or occasionally moving down to a favorite sunspot near Umay's and Ronra's homes (since Ron literally moved like right next door from the lioness...). Noted the presence of her family members nearby when she woke later, passed by Nikhil and Shardul who weren't too far away but when her stares didn't garner their attention, moved up the hill to go join her mother. Musing over what she should say, if anything, after the conversation with Jyoti the day before. Wanted to let Shahla know she was grateful for all her encouragement lately with accepting whatever feelings Circe might have about the returned siblings. More or less amounted to just being glad the tigress had been there.

Nodded off a little bit but soon noticed Nikhil hovering nearby, looking a bit conflicted. Rose with her mother to hear the Incendiary out on the subjects he wanted to discuss, and expressed their ultimate support after covering a heavy matter regarding her brother's apparent adopted son. Offered a few assurances before moving back to the nest to let mother and son say their good byes, musing over a couple things but undeniably uplifted by the visit. Needed the distraction, and validation, after the night before.

Fell asleep again and missed a visit from Sonali regarding her moving closer to the den. Reflecting on it later, somewhat apprehensive, though shared her mother's overriding sentiment that it wasn't their place to tell anyone what they could or couldn't do. Worries it's far too soon for it, that things between the light cubs and their half-brothers haven't been settled enough to avoid giving the wrong impression, but putting off that worry until seeing where the Golden child chooses. Somewhat prickly feeling, while grateful for the competent way Sonali was handling things; very much doubting her own ability to be able to give anything "worthwhile" for her sister and brother's efforts and leery of what they expect from her by moving closer. Reminding herself that she never promised either of them that things could be healed--just that there were certain things that would irreparably damage bonds. Still, feeling undeniably guilty and tense.

Found Kio outside the nest 'early' in the morning and promptly curled herself up at the curve of the alien's neck, listening to the sounds of the Forest and the (mostly) sleeping babies. Comforted.


December 16th, 2015
(old updates yeeees. hopefully will get current things down soon! highly edited RP, will check through for errors in a little while)

Health dropping rapidly now, leaving her drained to the point where even accessing her Dream requires too much concentrated effort for her to manage. Gripped by a hazy, out-of-control feeling that has quietly begun to invoke feelings of panic and paranoia within the witch. Stubbornly restless despite her utter lack of energy, mentally flailing trying to find a way to help herself and even running it through her mind to pass by the area she knows Jyoti has taken up, if only to be able to replenish her magic within the reach of the amulet's radiance, but the desire to protect her emotional health tends to win out against concerns about physical health even still. After so much time has passed since her siblings' returns, with she and Sonali only managing to have one conversation--which was admittedly more than she and Jyoti--feels that fact speaks more than anything about her siblings' desire to have her near, especially with the fish Jyoti had promptly drop off that night when he could have spoken to her, and the several other gifts she's learned about from Shahla. Figures the fish were a polite thank-you of sorts, even if not directly to her, and still doesn't anticipate much more acknowledgement beyond that.

Left in the morning to visit one of her stashes in the rainforest where she'd put away some of her mother's kills long ago. Tentatively tried to eat some of it in the thought that tangible sustenance would counter her starving magic stores. Had a very rude reality check and sense of slipping control when her system rejected it and promptly brought it back up. Didn't exactly feel like such an apex predator anymore when she couldn't even manage to keep a rabbit down. Mental state kind of dissolved even more under the realization this would be her natural state without the crystal's effects, and dragged herself back to the forest in a combination of shock, humiliation, and anger. Her pride hurts more than anything you guys.

Climbed up to lay with her mother outside the den sulkily, not saying a word, and quickly fell into a long slumber beside her. Roused at one point to find Shardul had joined them, and immediately felt her spirits lifted at the reminder of the family they did have. Met him with a head-rub and rose up to see if she could catch Nikhil's scent nearby, which she could, so what gives. Went to go yell at him when she saw he'd chosen other company over them and got involved in some antics that were probably too much for her, skin at the bottom of her paws starting to thin out noticeably along her pawpads. Circled back toward the den, Shardul, and a still sleeping Shahla and was promptly caught by a playful mood from the Nightling as well, which was completely impossible to pass up. Played for as long as she could and was glad when Nikhil brought his company over to join them, the three males staying for quite a while.

Slyly groomed her paws where she normally would've used her magic, cleaning up any of the blood from the wounds or dirt that threatened to get in them. Curled up when she was done as Shahla stirred awake and her brothers left, head spinning and preventing her from getting up to say good-bye. Questioned her mother about one of the new items she'd found at the den (the badger Jyoti had left) and fell into a somewhat heavy silence at the answer she'd already half suspected, and the tenseness to the tigress that was a little more of a surprise. Exhausted physically and mentally, laid her head on the ground and passed out.

Laid and rested with Shahla for some time, drifting on and off and later being joined by Stria which was very welcome. Scooted closer to her sister in an attempt to leech some warmth from her as well, still foggy-headed and fever-brained. Took a while to notice Jyoti's shape upon the slope leading up to the den, a strange and familiar sight all at once. Rose along with Shahla and Stria, the latter two regarding the male somewhat defensively. Still felt very off-balance herself but put what effort she could in keeping her head high and staying where she was. Knew that Shahla would encourage her to stay if that was what she wanted, and she very much felt a sense of entitlement to--if nothing else--see Jyoti up close for herself. The three of them, however, stayed quiet until the male spoke, starting on an explanation about something that took her a second to understand.

"I made this.. for you, For Circe.. For Kio... For everyone... The scales, they represent Kio... Uhm.. The fishbone Chimes.. those are Circe.. You.. You are the antlers, Mom.. Because you're fierce and strong... The claws are Nilkhil and Shardul.. and.. the bird skull.. it's a Pheasant... I.. I remember the first time you let me try it. I.. hope you liked the Badger.. I used it's ribs... but couldn't eat the thing so thought you might like the meal."

Only then noticed the trinkets Jyoti had brought with him--openly ogled the wreath and maybe, for a moment, let herself feel a sense of admiration for the craftsmanship behind the object, however it did little to expel the feelings of hurt and confusion from her mind, and, apparently, their mother's.

"What do you want for them?"

Still didn't notice the snake skeleton Jyoti had brought with, or if she did, consciously ignored it because it bore a likeness to another gift he'd once passed on to her that she still wore to this day. Eyed Shahla's stiff body language for only a moment before stepping forward, adding something they'd discussed earlier that day but, she felt, their mother might not say. Felt a sense of trepidation, unsure how this attempt at reaching out to her brother would go and still feeling the pain of her last "rejection" keenly, and so spoke cautiously, indirectly trying to find out if they were supposed to be a bribe or brush-off of some sort, and if so, let him know it wasn't necessary.

"We didn't know what it meant. The badger.. these fish. You don't have to give us these... gifts, if you think they're necessary... they aren't. We're confused by them, don't know what to expect from you. We don't want to hurt you, don't want you to... make an effort for things you don't want." Ultimately, if Jyoti was trying to buy their tolerance: "You and Sonali don't owe us anything."

Watched as Jyoti's ears fell and he whimpered a reply, grabbing the snake skeleton and presenting it to her. "I don't want.. anything.. But Circe.. I do want you... I.. I want to be with you and mom and the family so bad.. But I'm trying to be respectful.. I hunted this for you the day after we came back.. It hurt when you ran away and I feel bad for upsetting you.. But.. I was told to go away and let you come to me.. So.. That's what I've been doing... I've been trying so hard to not upset anyone anymore..."

Acutely aware of Shahla's silence through the exchange, and small flickers in the tigress's body language that she could recognize as conflicted, somewhat yielding now. Regarded the snake skeleton for a moment and felt a sense of confusion that wasn't helped by her clouded mind. Couldn't decide if Jyoti remembered and was making a conscious allusion to the gift he'd given her from Indigo a long time ago; if so, reflected upon the 'terms' that had amounted to not really acknowledging the gift. Always regarded the act as a substitution for a friendship, in an odd way, and so couldn't help making the somewhat irrational jump that this gift, too, was to be had in place of a relationship Jyoti didn't want with her. Further compounded by the words that didn't make sense to her, that she felt were completely opposite to they way he'd acted since his return.

Stammered out in disbelief-- "I found you the night you came back," Her words leave her mouth so fast she barely has time to process them, yet she's not unaware of the hurt they'd likely cause, because that was what they were made from. "I was the first to find you. Didn't run- I cried out for you, for Sonali, for Kitai... Why didn't you come to me then?" She shakes her head, though she cuts herself off early her golden gaze is alight, and her next questions, undeniably calibrated. "Why didn't you tell Sonali I was there? That I wanted to see her? Why do you act as if I never tried to see you?"

"But.. I DID come to you! I tried to get you to come closer but you kept running around and calling you. I kept telling you to come see Sonali... I.. I didn't tell her because of how you left.. I thought it'd just hurt you... I wanted to make things right before I let Sonali know.. I wanted to make sure you wouldn't hate her because of me.. So I came to see you the next day to talk.. But Shardul and Nikhil guarded you.. Sherd wouldn't give you the snake.. He told me to just leave you alone..." Watched tears well in his eyes and couldn't help feeling as if he was holding something back, significantly, not saying something he desperately wanted to. As their conversation progressed, Shahla falling deathly silent, began to suspect a little more what that was.

"I've been working so hard to prove I'm not going to hurt my brothers... I.. I kept the snake.. hoping that you'd come see me.. So we could talk.. I love you Circe.. I wanted to see you..."

"No--" Was barely aware she was shaking, though it was partially at relief at finally getting answers, the thought that she was something her brother had been trying to 'protect' Sonali from her that night stuck out as a painful truth, and she had to wonder why he brought her back when he and Kitai came back, if he was so concerned with making things safe for Sonali ahead of time, rather than smoothing things over first. Dug her nails into the ground trying to hold her focus though felt her control slipping fast as she tripped over the thought that she hadn't done enough, yet couldn't discern what more she possibly could have done. Knew the emotions likely saturated her voice, though tried to fight the instinct to accept it, that she hadn't done enough, hadn't made it clear enough to see him, hadn't deserved it.."So you found Mama... several times, went to see her, and Nikhil, and Shardul, both you 'n' Sonali... but not me..." Maybe just wanted to hear it out loud; if there was anything that Sonali, Kitai, and Jyoti's behavior said since their return, it was that she hadn't been a good sister. But she doesn't say it for him this time, just shakes her head and takes another step forward when he says he loves her.

"So one thing someone else said was enough to keep you from me. You and Sonali." She smiles wryly, but figures that fact spoke enough on its own and she didn't need an answer for that, or want to hear it, so she continues on. "Jyoti, these kind of visits need to stop... we don't need scraps and... gifts, that we don't know the meaning to. You left for so long... what is you actually want from us?" If anything.

Jyoti's ears fell sadly. They. didn't want him to come around anymore? He couldn't hold the tears in anymore at that. Why? Why did he fail so much? He was trying so hard to not just shove his presence down their throats... "Shard.. told me to stay away... Said that.. Only if you allowed it.. should I come to you.. You were the first I sought out... but I was turned away... Then... I.. was told to give it time... That's what I'd been doing! These visits.. They aren't scraps! I just wanted to show I loved you.. that I missed you all... Why.. Why is that bad?! What did I do wrong? I've been doing everything everyone told me to do so that my presence wouldn't hurt you!" Grew incredulous if only at the fact that the Firefly claimed he had done these things for her; felt a mix of shame and frustration because she didn't think she had made it that difficult to know what she had wanted at all that night on the Gods' hill. Didn't think it should be hard to guess that after a year of not seeing her three siblings, and thinking them for dead, she would have wanted to reunite with them and furthermore couldn't fathom how they would have consciously returned to the Forest and not prepared themselves for the possibility. Couldn't decide if he was playing mind games or just hadn't felt the desire to find out for himself what she wanted, and only take others' words for it, but either way felt a growing irritation that he seemed to want to use others' actions as his excuse.

Also didn't feel as if her half-brother's name needed to be brought up, seeing as by the time they'd spoken she'd likely already attempted to reach out to Jyoti, and the Nightling had done all he could do without being able to ask Circe directly what she wanted, and even ignoring his own feelings toward the younger male. Felt a compounded sense of rejection as he slipped the amulet off and laid it with the snake skeleton, before pushing it all toward her, before questioning.

"You.. want me to go away?"

"This isn't about Shardul, this is about us... just because he said you should only approach if I allowed it, doesn't mean you couldn't have tried some time, these past few weeks, to see if I would... He said what he thought was best at the time, given that I wasn't... able to allow or not when you did approach me, without even letting his own feelings get in the way." Seeing as she was sure she had been unconscious by that time, but didn't feel like saying as much. Grew aware of both Stria and Shahla's postures gradually growing more tense, protective. Tried to keep hers remaining neutral, knowing from memory that Jyoti was sensitive to such things, save for a slight tremble to her stretched limbs that wasn't really in her control. Shook her head and turned away for a moment before adding.

"Then visit us. These... presents... weren't visits... explained nothing, told me nothing about how you felt about me, if anything. This, shouldn't have been the first time you talked with me. You left. You stayed away for nearly a year, and you and Kitai took it upon yourselves to do this thing... to go behind everyone's backs in bringing Sonali back without a thought to the consequences. You come back and tell the two siblings you murdered, the two who are worried about losing their place in the family to you, to kill you in return. You don't get to say those things and tell me you were doing it for us, for me. You have no idea what I've been feeling. You never asked."

And then, seething silently as he pushed the amulet nearer, as he seemingly misunderstands, "No. I'm not saying go or leave. Just do what you want, and I think I know by now what that is." She couldn't deny having felt rejected herself that night on the Gods' Hill, when she'd tried to greet her returned siblings, and several times since then. Didn't see how that could have been 'for her' in any way. "You have good intentions, Jyoti, but... I think there's others you care about, more. Always been that way. Used to be the three of us kids, y'know... you, Sonali, and me... until one day it was just you and Sonali. And that was long before you remade her. Now," now she laughs, "Now you have Kitai and Kettu, too." All formerly close ties she couldn't say she deserved to be personally visited from again, that she couldn't even claim to know any longer.

"I didn't ASK them to kill me. I told them I expected it.. It would only be fair. I killed them, Why wouldn't they want to return the favor?" He said with sad eyes. "You're right.. I don't know how you've felt. I've never truly understood you! But that doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you as much as I love mom and Sonali...I brought Sonali back FOR you.. For mom!" He pleaded. He wouldn't bring up that he left because he knew his mother blamed him for Sonali's death. He wasn't here to guilt people.

"But it IS about them! They are part of this family. And I have to gain their approval before I can even get close to you and mom again...If I'd try to see you.. Nikhil and Shardul would have just kept running me off! I don't understand what you want! One day I'm told to give respect to everyone, to let them recover.. The next Told if I need anything.. to just ask.. Then told to stop giving gifts... That I thought would help show how much I loved you guys.. How much I miss you... And met with defensive, unwelcoming postures. What am I supposed to do?! I was trying to not smother you or force myself on you and Mom..."

Felt less and less as if the Firefly was hearing what she was saying. Became apparent after some time, to Circe, that Jyoti felt as if he was not completely in the wrong, despite saying as much verbally. Suspected from the things he said or didn't say that he somewhat blamed others for the situation--even if he wouldn't say as much outloud. Didn't feel as if her family members could be blamed for giving him information about how to approach her that was or wasn't correct--figured the effort could have been made to talk to her directly if he cared, or really wanted to. Suspecting once again that this was all a ruse of some sort, the Firefly just trying to force them to extreme actions that she desperately didn't want to take. Almost said as much, but was surprised to hear Shahla chime in suddenly.

“You bring her back without telling anyone and now you’ve fucked up things everywhere Jyoti.” She hadn’t ever wanted to bring up the vague conversation with Leia, but it came out like lava that was too hot to hold in her mouth and on her tongue, and the only relief she could find was releasing it. “You bring back one life behind everyone’s back and have caused chaos in every single member of the family’s life." Lips that were curled over sharp teeth relax, and she straightens herself up, attempting to steady her tone. “I’m glad Sonali has returned, I wouldn’t want her gone, or you, but doing this behind our backs.. behind Leia’s back.. There would have been a better way, an easier way, a way where no one would have to lose their life for another. I would expect something like this from your brother who doesn’t give any shits about us, that he would happily do things behind my back.. our back.. but you?“ She doesn’t finish the sentence, assumes he knows how it would have finished as she shakes her head slowly, brows creasing.

“Our love and acceptance and forgiveness cannot be brought with fucking gifts, Jyoti, it can’t be brought with half torn fucking badgers or with fish or with food that we’re all capable of getting ourselves and that some of us don’t eat or need anyway," (And Circe inwardly flinched when she thought she saw Shahla's ear twitch in her direction, and she thought her dark secret had been exposed.) “I don’t want it, I don’t want them.. I would have felt it be more genuine from you and your sister if you showed me.. showed us.. that you were serious about wanting to rekindle something. I don’t feel that with corpses, Jyoti. I feel it that from you alone.”

Quickly fell silent then, having had a lot of her own feelings apparently mirrored by her mother, and as much as it emboldened her it also calmed the angry blaze she felt at the back of her mind. Felt a need to address his comments about Nikhil and Shardul, more than a little bothered to hear them treated as a sort of obstacle.

"They were murdered by you," she only repeats, very quietly now. "They're entitled to never forgive you, if that's what they choose... without being made to feel guilty for it. Just like I can choose to speak with you, and I know they wouldn't have run you off." But again she doubts she's the one Jyoti really cares to reconnect with, not before Shahla or even Nikhil and Shardul, all individuals he'd spoken with several times before her. She shakes her head when Jyoti says he had to have their eldest brothers' approvals. They didn't control one another.

"And one day, my closest siblings tore themselves to pieces in fights that didn't need to happen, and leave without a word good-bye. One day, many days later, they return just as quietly with no acknowledgement except... visits I'm not around to witness, presents that I don't think could be meant for me," since as Shahla had pointed out, she hadn't had a need for food since she was a newborn. Felt it kept circling back to one thing: "You brought Sonali back for yourself. If you'd wanted to try for us.. you would have involved us. All of us, the ones who should've been involved... her mother, her creator... we could've found a way to do it where people won't get hurt. And people are being hurt, now." And she doesn't feel she has to say the name of the witch out right, but as her thoughts turn to Leia, and even of Jyoti's sickness as Sonali had explained it, she knows things have taken a dangerous turn, is close to saying more than she'd planned. Eyed the amulet he'd laid on the ground then, even as he spoke of his own gifts being rejected, and says, "I thought it would show I loved you, too." Though beyond her own feelings, also worried for the sake of their other litter-mates if the Firefly kept declining in health.

"I would ask that you come visit some times, at least, Jyoti... if not for my company, then for your health. For Sonali's sake, the sake of you ones you choose to be with who need you to be well. I don't think you'll be able to feel connected with Elyria for a long time. Don't think you'll... be able to feel much better, on your own, and I don't mind sharing it, if it helps you..."

"I thought you hated me... I killed your sons... I killed Sonali...I left... because I wanted to find a way to bring her back for you... I left so.. you wouldn't have to house a disappointment... I could.. never be Circe... or Sonali... I should have died... not her..." He let go his own self hate. "I didn't mean to hurt Leia...I failed... and I couldn't come back and tell you I failed..." The male shrank more at the harsh words his mother spoke. "I didn't think... I'd be welcome yet.. To just.. sit with you..." He whimpered then turned to Circe. "You don't look well... Circe I.. I can't take your amulet if it hurts you... It gave me hope... That's why.. I made these things... To show how much you all mean to me... I want to visit with you Circe... I want to be around the family.. But.. What if... what if that makes Nikhil and Shardul go away? That wont make you or mom happy..." He whimpered. He tried to make this seem just like a hypothetical worry rather then a truth Nikhil spoke to him. "I don't... want to ruin the family.."

Again, was ready to respond but silenced, in surprise and pride, when Shahla spoke up first. Always surprised to see this openness from her mother, and she could guess it might be similar for Jyoti. Despite him saying he could never 'be her,' had spent plenty of time on the tigress's shit-list when she was a child and knew they only had the relationship they did because of that whole parental bond/forgivenness deal, for which she was infinitely grateful. Having seen Shardul and Nikhil manage to repair their bonds too, didn't doubt that Jyoti, Sonali, or Kitai would have been able to if they had had the inclination.

"You think things were better when I lost another two children? You think I would feel better with you leaving than staying with the family after we had just lost Sonali? Don't blame me for your leaving, Jyoti. You didn't even try to sit with me, didn't try to come and spend time with me when I was alone without anyone else. I wish I could say I felt like you and your sister have been trying but I haven't.. I can't even remember the last time I saw Sonali since her return." Sensed her mother was starting to calm down, then, but the male's last words caused her to snap suddenly and snarl -

"Stop that. Your life isn't worth more than hers, hers not worth more than yours.. I was angry, upset, hurt, but I would have overcome it, would have overcome what I thought, how I felt, but you left and didn't come back until you brought them back and caused a destructive catalyst with you and still you stand there and don't care about the consequences for what you've done, still you stand there and talk only of your feelings, only of what you did or tried. You have no idea what you've caused."

Felt a tapering sense of sympathy for Jyoti then; easily able to imagine his feelings in that moment, but on that same note, also able to imagine her mother's. He wasn't the only one who had been hurt by a long shot, and she could recall very well the conversation she'd had with him as cubs, after the events that had broken their family apart. Remembered him threatening to leave even then, and how she'd begged him not to, told him it would hurt their mother. And still, he'd done it.

"Sonali didn't have to do what she did. And you didn't have to go behind their backs." She lets Shahla respond to his reasons for leaving, is glad when she does, even defends herself from the picture her brother paints that would have made the tigress seem as if she had driven Jyoti off. There's a sinking feeling in her chest, imagining how Shahla must feel to have watched her children disappear only to return and be cared for by Kettu that first night, and then to have one of the children explain it was because of her.

"We have feelings too," that's all she can say. Even if he can't imagine them. "I can't promise things will be all right with you and me, any of us. Especially now. This would have taken time anyway, even without... everything that ended up happening." But felt Shahla's words stood a lot on their own, even serve as a reminder of the events she feared taking place in Elyria, as well as it likely affecting Jyoti's health. Offered again to share the amulet: "Like I said. I don't mind sharing. I never wanted you to be hurt, still don't..."

But her words were just met with a few, scattered apologizes that left her feeling empty and again, as if she wasn't really being heard. Hollowly echoed one of them, trying to reflect--whatever it was his were supposed to mean, back at him, but by that point it helped her make up her mind as he continued on. Couldn't fight off the feeling that she was constantly disappointing the Firefly with each honest answer she gave, and eventually driven to the point where she didn't feel he was being forthcoming with her in turn. Promptly made up her mind at this point to cease her expectations of repairing things with her brother, considering the inevitability of his disappointment if she failed to be able to grant him the level of forgiveness he seemed to desire right off. Knew, and ultimately feared, that she would be loyal to Shardul and Nikhil--that their efforts in the past few months of tribulations in their family was too great to be ignored, or not be compared to the lack of interest she felt from Sonali and Jyoti. Didn't rule out the possibility that things could proceed peacefully between their families but, as much as she wanted to spare Sonali and Jyoti from the pain of disappointment, she wanted that for her half-brothers even more.

Let Shahla answer the first of his questions as she felt her energy and interest in making an effort begin to fade--what could he do? The tigress replied on that they'd already given him examples of what he could do--"YOU, not your gifts and material things. You.. slowly, with time.. sitting near or with us. Showing us that what you say is true. Approach us.. if we don't feel up to your company or are alone because we want to be our actions, I'm sure, will show it. You wouldn't be ignored if you tried. I want that more than corpses at my den entrance." Pursed her lips at this part, admiring but not sharing her mother's ability to say what might help to reestablish a bond with her. Felt a distant sense that it might be the most worthwhile thing for the Firefly to strive for--feeling as she did that he would prefer a bond with their mother above all else anyway. Couldn't even promise him that if he'd done everything she'd asked, she'd be able to be what he wanted. It was a gamble that she started to believe he wouldn't find worth it, and only shook herself from such thoughts when Jyoti asked to know what was happening in Elyria. Shahla was vague.

"Nothing will happen to you and Sonali, Leia has made sure of that." And she knew at once that Shahla was trying to act in Leia's interest by not giving him another thing to tear himself up over, but also maybe felt that, in feeling that she wasn't getting the full truth from Jyoti, she could at least give him the respect of being honest.

"That's true for Mama," she said then, her tone soft. She would only speak for herself; knew Shahla would do the same. "Not for me. I can't ask anything else of you..." Everything in the way he was acting leading her to believe she was only hurting him, and more and more of a burden by asking for him to do or not do things, and knowing he blamed her for not having made 'enough' effort in the past few weeks completed the disheartened feeling. She's somewhere between lashing out and shutting down. When Shahla speaks up about Leia, a funny look comes over Circe's face and for a moment she opens her mouth, as if to explain further, before shutting it, thinking some more. She looks back at the ground, feeling nauseous--the lack of magic, she tells herself, knowing it's a partial lie. A calculated cruelty, honesty. She stares at the Firefly for a quiet, drawn out minute, copper gaze oddly blank, before taking up where Shahla left off.

"They wanted to execute you, Jyoti... your head, and Sonali's. What alternative do you think mother Leia would have suggested in return?" It's all she'll say; she'd leave him to figure out the rest, or block it out, depending on which was more comfortable to him, claws wrapping around her crystal's chain and watching the play of sunlight on its facets as his eyes widened.

"They.. wanted to kill me...? But.. then Leia.. No.. That's not.. She can't! It wasn't her fault!" Watched the news strike him, hard it seemed, and nodded her head a small fraction when he stepped toward her, though not exactly knowing what he was asking. Stiffened a bit as he leaned in, seeming to help support her, but accepted it, half hoping it would cause him to agree to look after himself in turn.

"I... Circe.....I... I'm sorry I left after you told me not to... I'm sorry I didn't come see you.. no matter my excuses... Please.. Please don't... go away... from me... I'm sorry, Mom. I'll come around more... I'll prove that.. I want to come home...." He said with more confidence than he had this whole conversation. But his eyes returned to Circe. "That means.. I'll try to find you more too. Is there.. anything I can do to... to save our other mother?"

Surprised a bit by the complete turnaround in his behavior, then, though was a little too late to be swayed over by it, and stayed very still, not unaware of Shahla's flinching at the bluntly-stated truth they'd both been trying not to think about.

"What's done is done, you can't stop this.. she wouldn't allow it." When their mother then retreated to go lay by the nest, she lingered, willing to explain a little further where she could. What Jyoti didn't know was that in this past year there had been plenty of turmoil--Nikhil and Shardul had seen their deal of hardships returning to the family, their acceptance hadn't been an easy one by any means. But it was an effort she was glad to have made, and would have tried for Jyoti and Sonali, if not for one key thing: she knew she made their half-brothers happy, something she could never claim to have accomplished for either of her older litter-mates.

"Elyria's a lot different now from when we were cubs. It's a war-zone. What you did with Sonali was... impressive, I guess." Lowered eyelids shield a whole range of emotion, from devastation to anger to mirthless humor; if someone didn't know better, the adolescent might just look bored. "They couldn't figure out how you achieved it, but figured that kind of power big enough to breach their defenses... can't be ignored. They need to make an example of it." Had felt that Jyoti hadn't been honest with her tonight, especially not these past few minutes, but she wanted to give him the respect of giving him the truth even still. "Like I said... we all have our feelings. Reasons." She looks up at last, meeting his eyes, her face clear. It held no blame, maybe even distant appreciation, but ultimately no give where she was convinced she would keep hurting the Firefly. Idly wondered if Jyoti had been blaming the Prodigy as well for all this time she'd been unable to communicate him, in the same way he seemed to question her and Shahla's actions; wondered f he would have continued blaming her if she hadn't told him what she did tonight. Left a bitter sort of ache in the back of her throat.

"Don't... do anything for me. Anything you don't want. " By this point felt Jyoti's frustration with having tried to do things to make her 'happy' these past few weeks and failing. Felt a desire to go and sit with her mother and sister again as Shahla circled back to the hatchlings. Exhausted as well, but remained where she was for the time, trying in her own way to acknowledge the effort Jyoti was making.

"Keep yourself healthy... she would want that." As would Sonali and Kitai, she was sure.

"It wasn't her that did it.. It was me... They should take me... No her.. She didn't do anything bad.." He whimpered the word bad. Every good he tried to do ended in bad. He frowned when Circe told him not to do what he didn't want. "But Circe... I want to... Why. can't you believe me? I want to be around you... You're my sister... "There has to be something I can do for our other Mom... She shouldn't have to die because I screwed up.."

"It's their way. Three safe lives in exchange for one. There's nothing that you can do, nothing that can be done."

"I'm sorry," she repeated, almost as if prompted, when he questions why she can't believe him. His whimpers were answer enough. "Just know it doesn't mean I want you to be hurt.." The opposite, actually. "I wish there was. It's not you or her at fault. It's them. We all understand your intentions were good." Stretched her head out, guardedly, to tousle what she could of Jyoti's mane before slinking off a small ways, lowering herself to the ground after a moment of consideration. Missed it when one of his stripes very faintly and very quickly lit up before vanishing, but was aware of the gears turning in his head almost as if she could literally hear them.

"I have to try to find a way to help her... but.. I might.. just break more things. She deserves better.. We are her kids... Maybe.. we can.. figure something out? If.. Mom is okay with it?"

"Please don't make things worse, Jyoti. You can't do anything that won't result in more death, including that of your siblings." Let Shahla provide the answer that she knew was true, cold and unforgiving as that was. Frowned and quietly thanked him for asking, understanding the intention behind it after so much had been done without their knowing. Still felt a small sense of fear that he would try something, and undoubtedly suffer for it, and tried to tack on an added concern.

"I think it would put not only you at risk, but Kitai, and Sonali, especially..."

Something between both their responses seemed to convince him, though that wasn't to say he didn't look disheartened. "Okay.. I won't do anything to put others at risk. I'll.. I'll visit soon... Show you.. I want and love you both..." He said as he turned to leave. "Love you, Mom.. Circe." The Firefly ten moved away a few steps and paused incase they had more to say, which came in the form of a whispered "Love.. you too" from Shahla. Kept her own head aloft as Jyoti's form started to retreat, and swallowed her reply, not trusting herself to not say too much or too little. Likely would have been another repeat of wanting him to be happy, somehow, but instead turned her mind and what little energy she had towards questioning whether she could accomplish it or not as the Firefly trotted off.


December 13th, 2015

Took herself into hiding at the first sign of her health starting to decline, as she knew it would. Always had some understanding that something bad would happen if her magic was deprived of its ability to replenish but had been identified and spared from the reality of it by being given the crystal amulet before she'd ever reached such a critical state, as a cub. Experiencing extreme fatigue and abnormal immune responses with her body in a state of disarray, but is beginning to get it under control to the point where she feels she can manage it. However, very much being a "cat" about things--not liking the thought of concealing herself while she is "weak" (or conceding the fact that she is in poor health) like a hunted animal, the thought leaving a bad taste in her mouth.

Making careful visits to the Forest, and somewhat flaunting her state, unconcerned by it at least to the point where she feels confident in her ability to defend herself regardless and look after herself. Strangely assured, or maybe just fever-brained. Mentally, distracted with a few things but content enough between visits with her mother and the continued acceptance she'd been getting from her oldest brothers when she sees them. Mulling over the situation with her other family members in her spare time, rather than pushing it from her thoughts.


December 1st, 2015

Enjoyed a restful night with Shahla curled around her, doing a lot to ease the feelings that had come up after her discussion with Sonali. Though there was still a lot she wanted to talk to her mother about, left early the next morning to do some wandering while the tiger was gone. Sat near Umay and gave her a few grateful head-bumps when she closed the rest of the distance to sit with her, and later let her follow her to her home area. Did some more snoozing, eventually relocating when Umay had moved off, returning to her family's den to continue her marathon sleeping session. Woke to some movement--Shahla settling in next to her--and promptly fell back asleep for a while longer.

Watched Shahla deal with some situation with Nikhil and Shardul and was reminded of her desire to talk to Shahla about a few things. Fortunately the tiger seemed to have the same mindset. Surprised by the direction their conversation took, a lot more open and upfront than their usual communication. Actually listened to her mother's advice despite her initial instinct to brush off her words, maybe still remembering the way she'd seen Shahla tear into Leia that night and her own hurt. Allowed herself to find a great amount of comfort in the tigress's advice and acceptance of her choices regarding the light siblings, and confessed her actual feelings on the matter--that she was still angry, more so for their actions since they returned to the Forest and their way of handling repairing things with the rest of the family than the initial feuds and violence a year ago. Aware they were hurting, but they weren't the only ones and also knew where her favor ultimately fell, given the interest they've shown in them versus her eldest brothers' efforts toward their family. Also described a few of the insecurities she had about Sonali's rebirth, as best as she could; glad when she seemed to have Shahla's understanding on those things.

Discussed a few things about Jyoti, as well, with Sonali's word about his health fresh in her mind. Gave her thoughts, and also made it clear what she felt she wouldn't be able to do, her thoughts about what ultimately would be best for the whole family. Admitted she wouldn't be happy if her littermates were hurting, but also that she would feel horrible giving them false hope or asking things they weren't capable of if she sensed things with them and the first litter taking a negative turn. Resolving to hold from making any decision on the matter until she hears from Sonali again, if she does, or in the unlikely event she and Jyoti speak or she sees an improvement in the way the returned handle things with Shardul and Nikhil.

Despite the heavy discussion, relieved by the reassurances she received from the tigress--like each small sign of affection, each check-in over the past weeks from her closest family members, and each effort they'd all made to be there for the other, had the uncomfortable edges cut inside her chest soothed over slightly by the steady warmth. As conflicted and confused as she felt by the light siblings' return, feeling a lot better to know Shahla's thoughts on things as well, their agreement on more subjects than she could have imagined and even feeling a slight confidence that she might be able to do things to help the tigress as well, now. Snuggled with Shahla and drifted off (no surprise), waking a little later on to learn about Jyoti dropping off some fish. Mixed feelings, but glad to think it might mean he was feeling better physically.


November 30th, 2015

Visited Sonali again first thing, this time steeling herself upon noting that the other witch was awake and in plain view standing outside her den. Unprepared for the sight a little, and as much as she yearned to give the golden child every chance she could to give a sign of wanting her presence there, couldn't bring herself to be surprised when she seemed to go unnoticed by the other. Shifted her weight uneasily, looking for any possible sign of reception, and lingered until the prospect of being intentionally ignored once again began to feel too likely, and too well deserved, to stoke the situation any further. Falling hard out of a combination of pride and insecurity, and feeling as if each effort made is intentionally or not dismissed by 'Nali, with Talla's words fresh in her mind feels as if her efforts are continuously proven to not be enough. Beginning to seriously reconsider and criticize her reasons for seeking the light child out, even growing sick of her own hurt at feeling rejected by her sister's presence when she did believe it was in Sonali's right to choose which bonds she would try to reestablish for herself in this, her second chance at life; doesn't blame her for not wanting her to be a part of it, however much it hurt to think.

Unable to push the perceived rejection and loss to the back of her mind as she would have been a month ago, though. Well aware that after her three siblings' return that day and her subsequent episode with Nikhil that any sort of peace, calmness, or detachment she'd been able to attain regarding the matter had been thrown away when the floodgates opened, when she'd asked her brothers to stay and openly cried and left everything far too exposed and out in the open to take back now. Is fast beginning to convince herself that her feelings toward Sonali and Jyoti were (and are) likely too much trouble for either of them to want to deal with. Remembering her feelings of exclusion from her older littermates during their last weeks in the Forest prior to her departure, and sinking back into feeling like the ill-fitted middle child she always was.

Wandered home to mark up the nest, den, and her favored trees as well as frown at Ronra who was already waiting there and had stunk of the place with her dirty lion stench... tried to be playful, or at least warm, toward the other cat and was grateful when her friend didn't make her feel as if she was failing badly in that respect. Spent the night at "Ron's tree" (it's literally like right next to Umay's...) in a raw mixture of fury, hurt, and anger. Laid near Umay a little when the lion was there, but was also getting general everyone get the fuck away from me vibes from the matriach which she honestly could kind of mesh well with--made sure to give her a nuzzle and space while Ron gave her some flowers and did the same. Moved a little when Umay went off a ways and curled up in a sunspot.

Later became aware that Nikhil and Shardul were nearby; soothed by the fact though also sent her further into a downward train of thought, weighing indecisively the pros and cons of approaching the brothers or letting them have their time alone. Feeling more and more like a burden to others, in particular her family members amid remembering her past failings, had her remain where she was though not without a crippling, angry swell of guilt to be added to the rest of her deteriorating emotional state. Ended up staying where was, defaulting to a passive form of defense in hoping that it would prevent her from making anything worse, as well as being able to have Ron's company. Glad that she and Ronra were so different as to not have to worry about the lion taking anything she said or did personally as might have been the case if the situation were reversed. Slept rather well and soundly, throwing herself into her Dream determinedly when she was able to and working through the excess energy and feelings, pursuing the vanishing stone ruins that had haunted the edges of her dreamscape since Leia and Shahla's meeting and willing it to stay visible for long enough periods to explore it.

Woke the next morning to find a foreign object next to her that surprised her more due to its texture than shape or function, and... it was a light-up tennis ball, OK? Stared, sniffed it cautiously and when she picked up on who it was from swatted it away initially in disbelief. Had seen some toys like it back in Elyria but not of the same texture or with... batteries. Stared a little longer, trying to assess, as she did with most gifts, whether it was a greeting, apology, threat, buy-off, or bribe of some sort. Definitely didn't rule out that it was a gesture of pure good will, either, though finding that a complicated notion as well given some recent events with Kettu. Felt weary and frustrated all at once, not wanting to misstep and ruin a sort of olive branch while at the same time not wanting to accept it and imply on her family's behalf that all was well, or even bring it around the den and risk Shahla thinking it meant... anything. Didn't know what it meant.

Confused to the point of irritation (so much so that the player had to turn this into two paragraphs about, again, a TENNIS BALL and Circe's feelings about it), and close to making herself sick over the recurring trend of being put into a position where she was in charge of "deciding" relationships that she wishes were a little more two-sided, eventually jumped up and made the utilitarian decision to hide the flashing toy, so it couldn't offend or mean anything. The only thing she was remotely sure of was that she didn't like the way she felt as she carried it off to a stash, but admittedly did find a sort of poetic symmetry in that.

Later found Shahla at the den and had some much needed bonding time with the tigress after their mutual space-giving over the past few weeks. FORCED INTO PLAYING with Shahla which involved lots of marking and yelling at each other, and realized too late that the commotion seemed to have attracted Sonali. Quickly lost her good mood, immediately assuming that the Golden was here to see their mother. Shahla seemed to have the opposite thought and by the time she'd realized her mother had left the two of them alone, the tigress had made it halfway across the Forest and back again.

Couldn't help feeling very trapped, not that Sonali had pursued her excessively (if anything she'd given her plenty of space before) but was absolutely certain that she was not someone the light child had an interest in seeing especially being that her first action upon finally being up close to Circe was to cower. Motioned for her to follow and led her back Shahla's way, though fast grew uneasy with a few aspects of her sister's behavior. Hunkered down on the ground and did her best to convey that she wouldn't interfere between her mother and her. Surprised when the other witch crawled closer and spoke.


(THIS GOT OUT OF CONTROL FAST I can't handle writing Circe's feelings about this after spending all yesterday dealing with her shit so just going to lightly edit RP and post...)


Not a concrete answer and it left her to surmise that Shahla's request had taken place some time after the three siblings' return to the Forest, when Circe first tried to approach them and worked herself into hysterics in the process. It hardly did anything to ease the worst of her insecurities, but she also couldn't ignore the obvious tension in her sister's own body language. Told her what she was sure Sonali really wanted, which was to be able to attempt to rebuild things with Shahla without her interference.


Had hoped that it would continue the way it seemed to be going, seemingly on peaceful, mutually respectful terms, but was struck by the sudden shift as Sonali seemed to developed an injured energy about her. Regarded the way she seemed to be bracing herself for--an attack? A berating? and had her offered rebuked, as well as the subtle insinuation that she hadn't already tried to approach the Firefly. Once again had the paranoid notion that this might all just be a show of 'trying to patch things up' for their mother's benefit, despite what a high amount of faith she still held in the winged child's benevolence. Couldn't help that earlier desire for self-preservation from smearing her next words.




Stayed with Kshanti a while afterwards, readily snuggling with the snuggly fawn and later rejoined by Shahla. Desperately wanted to ask her mother's thoughts on a few things as well as find out if she'd heard any of their conversation, but felt extremely overwhelmed with everything and ended up simply falling asleep for the rest of the day, with plenty to occupy her thoughts.


November 28th, 2015
Marked up her family's trees first thing, then ventured to go find Ronra and Rossamund along with a few others she vaguely recognized, mostly from the rut. Eyeballed one in particular (ERYTHEIA) because she remembered and--yep--just as quickly as she could think it, got another quick kiss from the female. Really not happy about that kind of attention especially as she was pretty sure she and the human-faced weren't all that close, like at all, but more than that if you're kissing me your standards are probably really low and I'm a little uncomfortable thinking of what else you've done with that mouth and those low standards. So kind of skirted away from that and contented herself with marking up some of the trees in the area and sitting with someone else who seemed pleasant (Belial) along with Ron and glaring at nothing...

But then Circe found something else to get herself upset over!! Mindset crashed considerably after catching her sister's scent again and following it near the Pond. Stood nearby for a while, eyeing the tree Sonali seemed to have taken up in, and warring with herself as to whether or not she should try approaching. Finding it more and more difficult to continue putting herself out there; fearing the reaction she might get from Sonali, or not get. Certain of being rejected or dismissed if she made the attempt to go near, but also remembering the fact that Shahla had told Sonali to let her approach first, so maybe that was what needed to happen.

So, approached.... to an extent. Stayed behind some trees for a while, jumbled and scatterbrained, half hoping Sonali would be the one to catch her scent and meet her out there, but couldn't be surprised when it didn't happen. Very aware of the fact that Sonali was probably distracted, if not asleep, but at the same time sorely aware of the fact that she knew the other witch had managed to speak to most everyone in their family besides her since her rebirth. Hovered within the general vicinity of her den, shifting around tensely and rapidly feeling more and more out of control and hopeless as minutes went by and there was no sign of her sister leaving the den or noticing her. Couldn't decide if it was intentional on the golden child's part or just indifference to her company, or which would be worse.

Got just close enough to her tree to circle around it a few times before sprinting off, vexed and once again in an unbalanced state. Struck out at a few trees, and eventually Ronra (who was playing with rabbits) before resigning herself to pacing the area around the Playground haphazardly. Highly disturbed and frustrated with herself, but able to keep from completely dissolving this time, flattened herself against one of the monoliths along with her best friend and lots of frustrated laugh-crying ensued.

Visited by Talla a little while later, when she'd managed to calm down a bit. Recognized her as one of Ron's relatives or a close family friend, and so kept on her best behavior, which was to say she just kind of stared ahead while the two spoke and tried to not look as if she was on the brink of a meltdown, not wanting her current state to dissuade the kind doe. Clutched onto the rock a bit tighter at the very topical subject of her friend's conversation. At once paranoid that it was a more personal matter than it was, though slowly realized the individual they were speaking of (Cree) was another friendly face she recognized through the lion. Distantly appreciative of Talla's way of handling things with Ronra, elected to hold her silence despite growing a bit uneasy toward the end of it, found the advice she gave to be painfully unsuited to her current situation. Took off a while later, unintentionally rattled by one aspect of females' words.


November 26th, 2015

Somewhat soothed by the past few days of play and diversions she'd shared with her eldest brothers, often meeting up with them at night and participating in some easy hijinks. Very much still learning about the pair, and embracing the opportunity she'd never had before to spend so much time with them as well as pushing past the boundaries and restrictions about them had been implemented in her mind since she was young. Still, finding it the most welcome kind of challenge. Retains a lingering fear in the back of her mind that the pleasant turn of events will be brought to an inevitable close, but also a degree of confidence that no matter what magic decreed, they would be able to stick together as a family through it. Finding an enormous amount of comfort in that.

Being very careful about handling things with Shahla, wanting to give the tigress space for her own feelings and therefore not seeking her out except when she makes herself easy to find. Avoiding going back to Savera's world partially for this reason as well, in case her mother has been using it to her distraction. Still entertaining the thought of ducking back into the rainforest at any given moment for herself, especially after noting Nikhil and Shardul's seeming disappearance, but beginning to be sickened by the idea of a cycle that would seem to be never ending in that case. Has, however, made note of the fact that, with Shahla's elusiveness, Jyoti and Sonali's scents have faded as well. Pushing aside what small hope she had of possibly seeking one of her siblings out with the sharp 'realization' that they had likely only made themselves accessible for their mothers' benefit, and they didn't deem her presence worth making themselves accessible, let alone an effort in finding her.

All in all, continuing to have sinking and disparaging thoughts about the likelihood of reuniting with her returned littermates, if they even are still in the Forest. Pained by certain thoughts but doing her best not to linger on them either.

Found Ronra and Kushal outside her family's den, both pleasant surprises. Has been enjoying the cougar's visits a lot during the day time and is quickly learning to find him easy, nonjudgemental company. Pushed her head against Ron's in silent apology/thanks for the last time they'd seen each other, but not before terrorizing Dia a little while her alien mother slept.


November 21st, 2015

Dropped off the toys in the nest and bolted out of there like it was a crime scene. Sat near a sleeping Shardul for some time before being joined by Kushal. Always surprised to have company outside of her family, smiled at the other cat and tried to push away the reminder of how she'd felt during their last visit. Glad for a chance to sort of redeem herself in his eyes, or at least pretend the other day didn't happen, as well as the distraction of someone else's presence.

Sat peacefully for a while before being joined by Nikhil. Greeted him warmly but carefully before settling at his side, though not before asking to make sure it was still all right. Checked up on each other and was filled in to his conversation with Jyoti and Sonali yesterday. Pushed aside the wave of inadequacy that came with learning that the siblings seemed to be speaking to all other members of the family, relieved at the same time because Nikhil did deserve that kind of consideration... though had very mixed feelings about the messages relayed from the Firefly and the intent behind some of his actions. Tried to get a few things across though wasn't sure if she really made her point or not, sparking another small bout of insecurity.

Joined by Shardul not long into the conversation and was comforted a bit by his returning one of her hanging sentiments, forced a shaky smile when Nikhil made a suggestion that cut her whirling thoughts short. Used the excuse to flee to Savera's world again, passing Shahla on the way and giving the sleeping, bleeding tiger a few understanding nuzzles. Made enough time get her bearings somewhat, and returned with a gift for her mother as well. Found the Phoenix and Nightling with Shahla and silently curled up with them, relishing the rare chance to be together, all else aside, though wouldn't blame Shahla if she sought privacy upon waking.


November 20th, 2015

Prolonged her time in her Dream as much as possible. Unable to convince herself she could be of much use to her family and that they wouldn't be somehow better off without her--Shardul and Nikhil for obvious reasons, her littermates for their perceived indifference and Shahla for the grievances she knew she hadn't been meant to hear the other day. Not a new feeling, just greatly intensified now and, as in the past, sated only by starving herself of knowledge in the Forest to the point where her concern now outweighs her numerous insecurities. Doing her best to push the conversation with Leia far from her mind largely owing to the fact that she can't see any way to help the situation as well, the fear taking the form of an invisible but bitter lump in the back of her throat.

Didn't take long until the days began to melt into one another, finding it difficult to judge exactly much time had passed or even distinguish when she was awake, or asleep, finding very little escape from her issues no matter what. Ended up in something of a half-state between sleep and consciousness when she realized her mother was in the rainforest, and not far away at all.
Spoke with Shahla and promptly broke down afterwards, waiting until the tigress returned through the portal to lash out at different plants, rocks, trees before just throwing herself on the ground, digging her claws in, and letting sobs wrack her body. Definitely not upset by anything her mother had to say--actually overwhelmed by how accepting and supportive she was the whole time. Not terribly surprised to hear both Sonali and Jyoti had already spoken with her mother, either, despite the bitter sting at noting they'd made time for her yet again, couldn't fault them for the innate bond she knew they all held to the tigress or that Shahla deserved it, and better. Was, however, surprised and considerably thrown off her guard when Shahla said Circe's name had come up in their conversation. Far too gone to believe it, not that she thought Shahla was lying but that neither of the light cubs really would want to see her; found it more likely it was something said to appeal to Shahla. Which she wasn't totally against, aside from hoping strongly that they extended the same consideration towards Nikhil and Shardul, wanting very much for their eldest brothers' importance in the family to be acknowledged by the returned siblings.

What she didn't need to ask, significantly, was how it all happened. Had the circumstances of her sister's rebirth more or less spelled out from her between Leia and Shahla's talk the other night, and while many of the specifics were beyond her comprehension, quickly pushed the matter from her mind not wanting to think about the unintended consequences that had been alluded to. Essentially traded quiet insecurities for legitimate fears after her mother's talk, comforted by reassurances Shahla could provide, in fact they helped incredibly, but made the reality of the situation injure all the more as it sunk in. Anticipating a disaster in every way.

Returned to her Dream World, causing a bit of mayhem there instead of Savera's territory, able to exacerbate her emotions into something more tangible. Felt a strong admiration for her mother in that moment, her ability to be so deathly calm and practical about things on the outside when she knew she was anything but. Felt the hurt, the same desperate urge for self-preservation, frustration with her own anger and hurt and shortcomings, but it was anything but silence to her. Heart pounding in her ears, drowning out whispers of weaknesses and vulnerabilities sparking her own sort of defensive instinct--left when she decided she needed a distraction, and that it could help to flex atrophied muscles, so to speak.

Obtained Savera's help in finding a collection of orchid plants. Had to avoid looking in her grandmother's eyes, pretty sure she wouldn't be able to handle her disappointment. Picked four flowers to match the colors of her newborn siblings, willing them into cutesy shapes easily enough. Managed to tack on an additional flourish as well, equal parts disgusted and pleased with herself for both the thought and the successful execution of it. Gathered the gifts up and made for the portal when she was done, reeling from the sudden taxing on her magic, and utterly welcoming the effort demanded in focusing on simple physical challenges.


November 18th, 2015

Doing poorly in the aftermath of her littermates' return to the Endless Forest. Slowly coming to terms with the fact that Sonali was every bit as alive as the visions of her half-brothers that had haunted her months after their alleged deaths, and that the intent behind their clear desire to not seek them out upon returning was likely just as real. Overcome with contempt for herself as she comes to terms with their 'disinterest' in her, finding her mind keeps her all too supplied with answers detailing every way she had ever failed her siblings when she wonders if they hate her.

Expelled every bit of light she could from her body before falling unconscious as a consequence, her reward only the weakest of slumbers that left her privy to Ronra's presence at her side for a good portion of the day, and a bruising devastation in her own chest. Missed Ron's eventual departure only due to her inability to properly attach to the physical world at all, mind filled with buried thoughts and memories, torturous conclusions and inferences whenever she's awake.

Operating largely on lended Fay magic, instintively glad to have a secure place to regain the life force she'd lost in her breakdown two nights ago and fight through broken thoughts and the worries and concerns regarding her other family members that worm themselves in between.

Found it increasingly difficult to gain her bearings in the Dream the past few days, finding certain details "off" about the world upon each initial entrance and unable to shake a feeling of foreboding. Had never found her dreamscape to be a direct reflection of her emotions so much as her needs, but could make little sense of the variations lately safe for blaming it on her slipping grasp on her emotions, and there was a certain morbid curiosity to see just what such a level of self-hatred looked like, in a place where dreams were beachsand and fear was a waterless ocean, and a sunlit shore that was always just out of reach held half of her identity.

Half anticipated--half feared--running into one of her litter-mates there as she had in the past, and was instantly put on guard by the changing landscape during each hazy visit while she had attempted to visit while in the Endless Forest. Unable to pinpoint whether the cause was her siblings' returns (or presences in the world), Rossamund's magic conflicting with the light-created plane, or the critical state of health she'd inflicted upon herself picking at the seams of her escape world. Had been dealing with the small shifts, trying to take them in stride though, really, just couldn't bring herself to care.

Eventually slept, and found herself in the middle of a brewing storm, and a conversation between her two mothers who had taken refuge under a large, stone structure that danced in and out of her perception. Moved to take up near it as well, only to have it flicker out of sight indefinitely, but was quick to be distracted by other matters.

Had never seen or even felt Shahla here before, and so naturally defaulted to their go-to manner of quietly stalking the other in muted terror/love when in doubt. Silent in the face of her mother's wrath, which seemed to be directed solely at the White Witch. Surprised when Leia held her silence about her presence, or else didn't notice her, but too detached and stunned to focus on anything but the tigress's anguish to think much on it.

Listened as well as she could with a swimming mind, surprised with the information Leia gave them about the three cubs' banishment from Elyria and the effect caused by Sonali's revival. Couldn't help but find something ominous in the way the prodigy spoke around Shahla's words-




And then skirted around a question that she suddenly wanted to know the answer to as well. Found Leia's silence was answer enough, and had to fight a sudden and urgent need to see the witch up close that rivaled the urgency with which she'd tried to meet her siblings on the Gods' Hill. Just barely caught herself in time, clinging to the stone column beneath her with so much force her muscles began to ache, before slipping off to find a private corner of the structure to slink into and fall apart in.


November 17th, 2015

(FORGOT to mention Kushal's visit yesterday as well as Hälla's and baby Quay. Blame it on the despondent cat, she's not much fun...)

Vaguely aware of being surrounded by warm bodies and the comfort of loved ones through the night--Shahla, Kio, Stria, the fawn-cubs, and of course Nikhil and Shardul. In waking moments, consumed with thoughts of gratitude and admiration for her closest ties, though it often directly rides the tailcoats of unworthiness and self-resentment. Felt Shahla's presence more than she heard it, a featherlight touch at some point in the night and murmur that could have been a loud proclamation for how accutely it was heard. Faded out again, and woke some time the next morning to realize the tiger brothers had left and were replaced by Ronra. Wasn't too concerned; knew they had at least one other place to go to when not in the forest, and was glad to know they were looking after themselves when she clearly couldn't do that. Exchanged a few words with her friend but did a poor job at really conveying everything, and asked if Ronra would help her get to Savera's world.

Coaxed up a few flowers to leave behind in the ground for Shardul and Nikhil--their standard array of poppies, and a few sunflowers for added flourish? that really caused her to just stop at stare at them for a few minutes and think about her life choices before turning and letting the lion know it was time to go. Needed a bit of help keeping her wits about her after having used even more of her light for the flowers, and as they approached the portal, with each step began to anticipate the ache she'd surely feel upon returning to the place they'd once buried Sonali. When they arrived, fastidiously did her best to avoid the gravesite and found a shaded glen nearby to lie in and rest with Ronra. Exhausted emotionally and physically, instinctively seeking a secluded spot to be able to recuperate. The Fay magic was waning, but she chased it into her Dream World and fell still.


November 17th, 2015

Spent the night unconsciously pushing back against an outside form of magic (Rossamund), blind to other visitors aside from Stria's eventual absence and Shardul's thoughtful precautions and countermeasures to her magic. Not comprehending enough to pass a judgment as to whether the foreign presence was friendly or hostile (and uncertain which she would preferred more). For the longest time aware only of being swallowed by a large, comforting numbness that was occasionally, and annoyingly, reduced to spots of darkness at the corner of her vision each time the Myling succeeded in transferring a little of his magic to her, and an eerie drop in temperature that marked the negligible state of Nikhil's health.

Wrought with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and self-hatred, as well as a dead weight settled in her own chest, and unable to continue countering the stubborn fay's efforts due to the ineffectual nature of repeatedly rendering yourself unconscious and unable to defend against another practiced magic user... Latched onto one of the bones Shardul had placed protectively around them, instead, grabbing it and focusing on redirecting the borrowed magic to it instead. Passed out soon after, forcefully returning to the comfort of her dreamscape.

Dwindled in and out of consciousness throughout the rest of the day. Blinked through a haze to hear Shardul and Nikhil discussing something important and quietly encouraged Nikhil to do what he had to do. Agreed to meet up with him again, yet found her legs carrying her to De Drinkplaats and contemplating the sight of another stranger already occupying the coveted spot. Ditched the half-formed notion of retreating where no other family member (save Kio) ever followed her, and forcing Nikhil to take some time to recover from his declining health. Ultimately trust him and Shardul to be able to judge their own comfort levels, and was hardly in much condition for figuring things out otherwise, with her magic stores still dangerously low.

Functional on and off only through Rossamund's earlier help, though the fay magic was having its own effects on her. Shaken from a heavy dream state enough to realize Shahla was nearby and made her way to her quickly, confused and badly disoriented. Asked what was happening stiltedly, through her effort to stay conscious, and crumpled a bit at the response she got. Quick to clarify what Shahla had seen--to confirm that she had seen her too, and also filled her in to her suspicion regarding the other male tiger hybrid that had been in their presence being Kitai. Couldn't help the sinking feeling of hopelessness at the memories replaying in her head of the group's ignoring her the night before, and succumbed for the second time to her emotions, falling to pieces and hugging the ground by her mother's foreleg.

Received countless words and reassurances from the tigress that she couldn't feel worthy of, but made her heart ache all the more in grateful response, and ended up silent and shaking against her ankle as the outer world grew dark once again. Teetered on and off an emotional precipice the rest of her night, hanging in the background when she eventually called Xiao Yù up to follow Shahla to where she was standing with Nikhil, Shardul, and her siblings' visions (minus Kitai). Could feel her awareness slipping away several times and had to lay down soon after, pressing her nose against Yù in a feeble attempt to comfort her though by this point Yù was definitely the acting big sibling. Barely able to catch Kettu's presence in the distance when her half-brothers approached her, and then the sinking feeling of inferiority brought her to an all-time low as she realized the kitsune, who barely spared her more than a passing glance in the past year, had taken up a guardian type position over her sibling's phantoms. Couldn't help but feel sharply and distinctly worthy of the arrangement, of the obvious favoritism, and unable to deny to accept whatever it was she'd done to hurt the siblings so much that they wouldn't approach her or Shahla.

Not terribly aware after that--gave a mangled, devastated call, more a demand or plea for acknowledgement from either of her littermates, before she blacked out again. Watched over by Shardul and Nikhil until they successfully nudged her awake and toward their rocks. Joined by Kio, Amadeus, Gabriel, and others later though by that point had retreated far into her Dream.

November 16th, 2015

Spent much of the day before on her own, and unsure how to feel about it. Checked on the sleeping nest of fawn-cubs to make sure they were all right but didn't want to linger long lest someone get the wrong impression or something. Migrated around through much of the day, checking briefly on Hälla and smiling to herself when she realized, before promptly bolting because she was wary and inclined to give the female her space on a regular day... much less on such a special occasion.

Had no will to try to seek out new faces despite her inner restlessness... and got out a mischevious bit of energy through peacocking Rohit instead. Lounged at or around the den the next day, keeping a small distance from Shahla and the awake fawns (Amadeus and Dia) until later when she cleverly provoked Shahla into noticing and playing with her by standing and pretending to ignore them. Boxed and sparred with her a small time before making the mistake of trying to 'steal' the nest, which was always intended to piss Shahla off and always always backfired, as it did in this case when the tigress immediately nodded and bolted off to enjoy her afternoon of childfree errands that Circe had just unwittingly given her.

Stuck babysitting. Considered ditching the pair but couldn't be sure Shahla was close enough to see and, still uneasy over the recent events with Walter, couldn't fathom actually leaving them. So settled for the next best thing, which was tormenting the brat of the litter--Dia. Decided now was as good a time as any to let the little peach (she's totally peach jd. coral? CREAMSICLE? ok fine i'm tired and you're the artist) fawn know what her place was, and wasted no time swiping her paws at the little fawn and smirking when she received taunts and attitude back. Mimicked her gestures, making sure to be gentle however and maybe also got her own temper stoked a bit.

Got yelled at by Shahla for her efforts, but was hardly put off. Let Shahla coddle the runt and stalked off to mark her trees, satisfied, only to have her attention caught by a rather miserable looking child (Shaila) which she distinctly remembered as having been targeted by half the forest a month or two ago. Awesome. Considered what happened next a game of parenting chicken which she immediately resolved to win. Didn't bat an eye when Shahla mockingly nodded for Circe to watch the young one; hell yeah I'll watch the social pariah fawn'd to herself and all but scooped the blind girl up, nodding for her to follow. Intrigued by and all too aware of the fact that so many--including Indigo and his friends--had found a reason to attack the fawn, and as such had no intention of letting the game bring any sort of danger to her family or risking any of the good ties she did still have.

Paraded Shaila around a little, testing to see if anyone had any standing issues with her before leading her to the Crying Idol. Held her breath a little when Shardul passed by, sweeping up flowers in his tines. Smiled at the sight despite herself and exchanged greetings, for a moment forgetting the situation, delighted to be regaled with antlers full of poppies before he gathered more up and sprinted off.

Determined by that time that they were probably safe, though still would have objected to having her anywhere near her new siblings, welcomed a smaller fawn (azgier) who was huddled nearby. Immediately took a liking to the way he meekly greeted her and allowed himself to be ushered into a huddle with her little temporary outcast fawn. Sorted out the flowers Shardul had left and took to weaving them into both fawns' coats. The smaller didn't seem too enchanted with the gesture, so backed off a little with that and focused the efforts more on Shaila, who seemed delighted.

Took inspiration from the dusk, painting colors of purple and tan and orange into their pink petals with her magic. Fetched a few more items from a stash--pheasant feathers and dragonflies, and stuck them into the fawn's hair as well. Caught Rossamund's scent again and instantly felt the relief of her worry of his health having taken a turn for the worse after her healing. Decided to give him a little time before she went and visited him. Soon hit by a subtle, bitter sting of nostalgia that, while not unfamiliar, definitely took her by surprise and eventually had her nudging the remaining awake fawn--the little boy--to his fours to follow her to the Oak. Nodded a hello at Rossamund who was being watched by Nikhil, and laid down with 'Azgier,' in a decidedly off place mentally.

Fell asleep with vivid dreams--yearning thoughts or fancies, of calling up lilies of the valleys in the little tree that marked her sister's deathbed, of staining them with golden-tabby markings and wondering if Shahla would be more upset or comforted over the gesture.

The next day returned to trying to piss Shahla off by adopting a bunch of fawns. Still had the little boy curled up with her in the Oak so that was a help, though by the time she went through her morning rituals another had joined them and eventually the pair left. Easy come, easy go... a defeat that was softened a lot by Umay showing up minutes later. Quickly forgot all about parenthood. Moved closer, thrilled to see Umay for, among other reasons, having missed the comfort of the lion-matriach's presence in the forest as well as the wordless soothing of her worries over her and Ron's recent encounter with Walter.

Got into a long bout of play later; antics with Rohit and Ronra and Umay! and Rojan. Remembered... a certain thing... about the way the lion family plays... or rather a particular game they like to play.... and quickly learned not to be the first to sit down in that gathering. Lots of spell-casting and chasing, finally curled up with the group and settled in for a long, enjoyable sleep.

Woke much later and was on her way to check in at the den when she caught sight of Nikhil and Shardul. Still feeling low, for whatever reason, gave them their due nuzzles (Nikhil) and awkward/reverent bows (Shardul) before moving off, uncertain as to if she was intruding on something and, even if not, unable to ward off the little bitter thought that she wouldn't be able to stay long anyway. One of those kind of days, one of those kind of moods, only to be foolishly and succinctly quashed moments later when Shardul led Nikhil over and they all sat together. Tried not to just like grin her ears off, basically, and did her best to look mopey and unaffected but was secretly really very comforted and touched by their decisions to stay. Dreaded the eventual moment when they would have to leave, but did her best to push it from her mind.

..and ended up being the one to leave herself. Couldn't believe her senses, any of them, when she first caught the presences. Staggered around dazedly before she was finally able to choose a sense (smell) and a scent (Jyoti) though as she scrambled toward the direction was hit by the realization that not just Jyoti, but her other full-blood brother was there. Stared at them from behind a tree for some time, mouth agape, before falling into a state of hysterical calling and screaming at the--apparitions? reincarnations? hallucinations? ghosts?

One in particular.

Enveloped by a crushing pressure of memories and fears regarding Nikhil and Shardul's deaths, of all things; not the events leading up to it but rather their purported, permanent demises, and the traces of them she'd caught around the forest for months after they'd supposedly been laid to rest. Caught in a cycle of self-blame and self-persecution as she likened the months she'd spent grieving both brothers as a just punishment for the feud she'd caused between their families even in her best moments. Had always assumed the brothers had wanted them to think they were dead for the pain it would cause, had always been a fear yanked around in the back of her mind that somewhere, the little golden child and their brothers were safe and alive and happy, content without them, exacting a similar revenge for all the ways she'd failed them before.

Cried and cried at them in a fleeting effort to convince herself otherwise, and was met with nothing but questioning stares, casual sniffs and and scantest of head tilts--an almost humorously paltry greeting that had her choking back tears and laughs alike as she crumbled. Drove her nails into the ground though it did very little to combat the feeling of the world spinning down on her, vaguely aware of tearing away and near and several points, stumbling under the distant stares of her brothers and getting just close enough to sniff Sonali's form before she lost her last moment of cognition.

Took everything in her to tear herself away, alienated and buckling under the weight of her brother's eyes and what she could surmise from her sister's refusal to acknowledge her. (HOPE that's OK, Soli - I know you were having connection issues and Sonali was supposed to be there the whole time but I didn't see Circe mentioned in your updates, so not sure if Sonali noticed Circe or not?) Aware of trees and bodies and pain and blood.. not aware of who (Shahla, Umay, Nikhil)... until the latter was a force she collided with blindly, tearfully, begging for any kind of judgement or retribution he could have reserved from the personal hell she'd surely put him and Shardul through months earlier; a sentiment and condemnation that she was now certain was harbored by her three fullblooded siblings as well. Fearing his and Shardul's loss, fearing their certain anguish and uncertainty in this moment just as much as the easy disregard of her littermates. Dug her claws into Nikhil's skin and tore at him with every last ounce of her light she could summon up until she felt drained and empty and unable to fight off the strain of the past year anymore.

Pleaded for him not to go after, knowing summarily that it was the most selfish thing she could ask in so many ways.

Couldn't have been more grateful when he did. Half hoped it would be the thing to cause him to hate her for good, if not now than later, though the immediate comfort was the only thing she could latch onto, and even then had the loosest of holds, because as long as he was welcoming of her presence she could never willingly put either of them through the pain of ostracism again. Sobbed recklessly and openly into Nikhil's side for what felt like hours, before wearing herself out and plummeted into a heavy, dark, and rickety slumber amid the Ember's profuse bleeding. Barely able to notice Stria coming and standing nearby, her presence flitting in and out of Circe's awareness for a few moments before she came back and laid down nearby, shaking. Gently but firmly pressed a thought toward the wine-colored doe in earnest, lulling her sister with what threads of pleasant numbness she could pull from her own state. Blacked out shortly after, still in Nikhil's clutches and with the last reserves of her magic fast depleting, even as it slowly tore into her half-brother.

Effectively wrecked, mentally and emotionally. Both willfully and involuntarily blind to the Forest.


November 9th, 2015

Sleepy cold morning. Doesn't particularly mind water, but could do without having it continuously pouring down on her with no escape. Sought the shelter of the den just because it was convenient... and the presence of little nestling fawncubs was warm, no other reason. Quietly checked them over and kept watch, more than a little unnerved by Walter's visit the other night despite not having seen a sign of him since.

Spoke briefly with Nikhil about the few wounds she'd acquired from the Demon when the Incendiary came by and asked. Not too surprised by his reaction especially when she'd noticed the strange but intent look Shahla had on her face after she herself had investigated Circe's injuries. Fully anticipates the brawl that will eventually break out between the tigers and the gazelle, at this point certain each member of their family had it out for the male and it was only a matter of time. Only worried about the possible consequences it might have for Ronra and her family, but received some assurances from Nikhil on that matter, and, at any rate, doesn't plan on seeking the male out for violence unless he makes a point of coming by and staring again.

Though realizes her other family members may not be so passive in their approach; secretly rather interested in tagging along and watching, hoping to be around to witness it and even engage, possibly.

Shooed the Incendiary away when he urged her to go back inside the den--which she wasn't--and get out of the rain--which didn't bother her, as he went to go join Shardul, and pointedly stalked off in the other direction to go sleep under a crook at the Ruins herself. 'Played' a bit with a stranger before curling up and dozing.

November 7th, 2015

Did end up seeking out Rossamund again when he was critically injured, and seemed only to be getting worse. Managed to nudge the Myling awake and ask a few questions, namely if he would be hurt by the nature of her magic if it was used on him. Got the go-ahead to use her light on the worst of his wounds and focused on trying to get them to stop bleeding and oozing as much, cutting off at that point and promising to check back later to make sure it had no negative effects and then try some more. A little nervous now, as she's seen no sign of him recently, but trying to think of the many possibilities for his disappearance and not let it nag at her too much. Just compartmentalizing for now.....

Spending a lot of time sleeping and finding Savera's world best for that, not quite so aware of the anniversary she and her family faces now, or at least trying not to think of the possible explanations for why Shahla's been more down lately. Just another thing Circe's been trying not to think about, admist the disappearance of her sister and her possible casual murder of Rossamund the other day. Nonetheless, saw it fit to venture out on a rainy day and wandered down near Shahla and new siblings were either enjoying the rain or trying to keep out of it, depending on which mother they took more after. Bit back the urge to smile and instead sat casually at a nearby sun-spot; joined almost immediately by Kushal and started a bit, in a pleasant way. Urged him to sit with her when he asked, though drifted off immediately after (player had to AFK sorry!), and woke up to Ronra having taken his place.

Ended up in a stand-off with Walter a later on. Would have been willing to not engage with the male but it was more than she could do to ignore it when he deliberately returned her stares and seemed unwilling to move from the family's vicinity. Gradually felt her muscles tense when he held her gaze and eventually prowled over to either try to ward him off or let Ronra try, although her friend was definitely less on board with the confrontation aspect of it. Stepped aside at one point to let Ron interact with the Demon, though immediately felt a cold disdain for the male when he attempted to bow at her, successfully throwing Ronra off and causing her to retreat a small distance. Held her ground and glared when he suddenly charged, going straight past Ronra and aiming for herself.

Met his attacks for the brief moments it took Ronra to spin around and pursue Walter, and then focused on trying to lead him away from the rest of her family. Felt a pleasant surprise when Kettu joined in, though it was short-lived when she realized the fox wasn't entirely on their side. A bit stunned when Kettu abandoned the effort of helping midway through the fight, and left to dwell on it later, would probably come to the conclusion she was specifically only trying to help Circe. For now, just more bemused with the fox for having made the decision to join in, and then stop, than if she hadn't joined in at all--couldn't help feeling slightly rejected after all was said and done though, though continuing with the theme of denial, simply told herself it the kitsune was rightfully going back to watch out for her new litter. Couldn't help feeling as unworthy of Kettu's aid as she had when she was a helpless cub, and felt it was for the better that she left than risk taking any damage on her behalf, despite a lump of disappointment at thinking this might be a chance to touch bases with the fox again and of course her appreciation for the initial gesture of help.

Immediately snarled and tore at the male with white magic each time he lunged at her; on the second and last, his attempts at retaliation ended up with the reharnessed magic missing her and scalding Ronra's skin instead. (I HOPE the devout spell was OK for using to show this in Forest, Verdalas - let me know if it causes any lag issues for you in game and I'll avoid using it on you again.) Brought the fight to a sharp pause and watched, skulking, as her friend tore around growling and shaking under its sudden effects, despite knowing it wouldn't harm her too seriously. Certainly made note of the way the Gazelle ceased, and refused to attack his great-granddaughter at all through much of it, but with his threat against her mother head in her mind couldn't feel the slightest shred of respect over it (particularly when he happily went after herself and had been the one to make the opening strike of the battle).

It did, however, bring the reality of Ron's relationship with the male to the forefront of her mind, and Circe then thought of Umay, and began to realize probably too late that Ronra shouldn't be the one to take (what she felt was) a very justified revenge on Walter and risk a potentially messy situation for the lion's family. Or at the very least Ron getting in trouble for fighting. Watched Ron continue to maul at the other Demon for probably a few seconds longer than it took to gather her thoughts before jumping in and batting her off, rumbling softly, knowing her friend wouldn't put up much of a fight once she'd blinked out of the blind fury that had built up through the fight and culminated somewhere in the moment of burning light magic under her skin. Dared the Gazelle to attack her again as she pushed Ronra away, irked by him retreating as well but knowing it was the best outcome for now.

Followed a half-step behind as Ronra stormed off to the Idol to soothe her skin, and lingered quietly as she washed off and then led them up to Umay's tree to rest and keep an eye out on the den. Groomed and cleaned her own coat of the blood and dirt it had gathered and relaxed when she realized her mother had woken up and came to check in, keeping an ear perked just in case anything further would happen.