"I collect the words you say to me and wear them on a string around my neck, close to the pulse in my throat, the thump of my heart."
January 7, 2014
I feel old. Tired. My joints have been paining me long before this new year. The cold made it worse, an effort just to move. That wanderlust is growing though I cannot go. There are others to put before me now, raise them up and protect them. Guarding is a God's lot after all. Yet, I feel that I am not. Never was. My powers have faded. This tiredness is bone deep, mortal deep, weighing my limbs and mind down like an anchor sinks a broken ship. Perhaps...mmm....that is what I am. A broken ship doomed to sink.
When the snow covered me I felt warm. How I wished to let it bury me, consume me, cover me. I wanted to let it take me. Fade into the snowflakes, become one and leave this heavy body behind. Trickle into the ground when the snow became water, reaching down deep into the earth. Leave nothing, become nothing. To finally....mmm....belong. Belong here - to become everything. Even then I could not sleep. There are many reasons for me to stay here. To live. Or so I tell my self. I wonder, when I watch them all die and rot away, will I feel the same then?
And then Achilles is there. One of my reasons. I rise and greet him clumsily, my dear one. I sit with him awhile before curling around him. Eyes closed, relaxed. Took comfort from him, I wonder if he saw his son's blanket? Wonder if he's guessed who gave it? But I say nothing for no words need be spoken. We are safe and that is all I need. There are reasons yet ...mmmm.
December 24, 2013
Poked back at the forest's borders this morning. It didn't yield as per usual. Tried all the little tricks that would allow me entrance. Sat down, waited patiently. Nothing. Lost patience and attacked the barrier with hooves and horns. Nothing. Screamed at it. No sound came just a bubble. Panicked. Why? Why here, it's only supposed to happen in the endless forest not here. Heart racing tore around my world. Couldn't think, continued screaming at the top of my lungs. That made it worse, the bubbles were following.
Barrier popped and I tore through. Became a blasted dove and took off flying. Scented someone that had been on my mind for awhile now.... Nilo. But the forest was filled with deer, too many pictograms, too many bodies. It was snowing. NO-No-no! Froze solid for a second, dipped towards the ground before forcing my wings to work once more. It was to cold for a dove but being a deer meant that they could catch me. Meant having to wade through them like a sea. Grew much bigger. Winged it over the rocks, over the pond, over the twins. Couldn't find Achilles' son. Failed, let him down. To cold... to cold for such a little one.
Eventually came to my senses and flew towards the only familiar face I knew. Found the owlet in the ruins. Perched next to her and her companions. Finally spared a glance at all the glowing candles, they were ... beautiful? Screamed a few more bubbles. Eventually departed to Reate's circle. Perched on one of the rocks and soaked up the silence. Watched the snow fall and remembered both its beauty and purpose. Finally started to enjoy the weather change.
Smelled Reate and took off to screech bubbles at him. Sneezed off the bird skin and promply got distracted by the three leg. He was a fawn? Well okay then. Became a fawn as well and romped about trying to encase his head in a bubble.
Eventually grew again. Yelled something around the lines of 'I'm old damn it!' And sat with Zash. Snuggled Kio for a few hours. Smelt Nilo again and took off running, skidded a lot on the frozen ground. Probably ran past him 10 times. Found him in the oak and promptly nuzzled him. Looked him over for injures, found none. The fawn did look skinny. Nothing I can do about that I'm afraid. Curled up around him to keep it warm. Groomed his fur.
December 6, 2013
Found Aur and the family curled in the poppy grove. Came closer than I usually do and watched them. It was so....peaceful. Thoroughly enjoyed seeing them happy. Settled down, dozed, relaxed and just enjoyed that moment. Willed the hours away before Aurik and the little awoke.
Cuddled my boy then tried to get the little to meet me. Shrank down when the gold started hopping so he would not be stepped on. Danced around trying to let him see I was no danger. Somewhere along the line I had the brilliant idea to nod at him. A nodding war ensued and ended with the little coming close enough to nuzzle and sniff. Bowed to Ouro when she awoke wondering if I was too close for her. Stayed where I was when she didn't seem to mind. Spend the rest of the day with Aurik's son leaning on me.
A perfect day.
December 2, 2013
The forest is closing in again. Every hour the fit gets tighter, suffocating. Too much on my mind, I've stayed here to long. Can't leave any more. Deadlines and commitments I swore I'd never have. Look at me now, weighed down with worry that ain't mine. If that family don't last.... started seeing rifts already. The rut is a waste if the family don't last. Seen it tear lives asunder, two families in the last few months. Two is a good number if you asked me, no one does. One for when the other is gone. Can't be in two places at once no matter how you try. I ain't got no one to talk to. That's my own damn fault. I miss....mmmm.... simpler times. Sensed Reate the other day but couldn't go. Then Nilo would've been alone. What'll happen when I'm gone? Who'll watch them then?
But I'll bite my tongue as I've always done. Else I choke on my words. Only Aurik in the forest today. An' he is with Ouro. Another family....another potential for things to grow astray. Good luck my little one. The forest is still to small. Not a day for the reflection ledge nor the teary eyed stone. I need somewhere safe to go, Reate's circle of stone. Rest my tired head on the biggest stone. If the little gold came a calling, I wonder would I go? Maybe yes maybe no. Who am I kidding? I'd go. Just need someone to go to. But I ain't got none. My fault. Mine and mine alone.
Woke to Reate. Cuddled into him, mood automatically raised. Conversed, sometimes serious sometimes not.
November 29, 2013
It's been two days since the birth. Since one of my boys became a father. Don't know what to think...shell shocked. Seems like a blink when I first saw him. Time why do you go so fast? You don't have an expiration date. So worried of what this might become, so many things can go wrong. I've seen many families fall apart in the past few months. Well, we can only hope, hope, pray and try.
Those words spiral around my head.... You've been like a second mother to me And to think... that I might never have meet him. Mmmm....I do not know what to think, except that I will try to stay. I make no promises I can not keep. I'd love them to get to know you too And so I will try.
Wandered. Something caught my attention, a vague scent... something half familiar. Could it be perhaps one of the new littles? Set out to see, I told Achilles I'd be around. Stopped when I saw the little. Thought that it may indeed be Achilles's child. What was it? Nilo? The son? Immediately when over then. Watched him try to hide. No need for that little, no need. Sat next to him, his little head on my hoof. Kept watch for his parents. Determined to stay here until the tiny fawn vainishes or they are found.
An old lady keeps these promises. An old women does her best.
The Mother found us sometime latter. Immediately rose (when the player realized it) gave her a bow and skittered on my way. Blood is thicker then water after all. Went back to my dimension.
Slipped back to the forest sometime latter. Found the little owlet and sat with her. Stayed for a few hours. Became aware that Achilles, the mother and the little from earlier. Considered remaining where I was... didn't wish to intrude. Then decided that the mother should get to know me and the times I've been with Achilles are too few to miss. Attempted to help them discourage strangers when they got too close, wasn't very successful. Followed from a distance when Ach lead them to the birch.
And he stood on a hill. Wasn't sure what he was doing. Keeping watch??? Tried helping. At one point wandered over to the three leg (Zash) and sat with him. Moved closer to my little one when the mother left.
November 23, 2013
Spent a uneventful morning with the strange ring creature. It was.... pleasant I suppose. Slept. Woken up hours later by a familiar scent I'd been wanting to catch for a long time. Achi! Charged through the forest to meet him, stumbling when I caught another scent I've hadn't smelled in forever. Reate. Conflict, should I stay or should I go, which one? Arggghhhh! Continued on my path to Ach. Popped in with a nuzzle noticing his companion did not like the looks of me.
Bolted off again, this time in search of the unicorn. Doubt filled my head and slowed my feet as I neared his circle. It couldn't possibly be him could it? It was. He was THERE. Asleep. Oh My God. Freaked out. Bellowed, yelled, stomped around, shouted questions, flailed. Where the hell did you go? Why did you leave? Are you all right? Why did you come back? Boiled down to laughter and a relieved feeling. He slept through it all of course. No one else sleeps as sound as he does. Eventually flopped down beside him and rested my head on his back. Whispered the words you're back until I also fell asleep. Woke up joined by Ocean sometime later. Cuddled up to Reate for a long time before he left.
November 14, 2013
Demon #19: Contentment. "Keep."
Found my little one today.
October 27, 2013
Wandered. Knew someone had left... felt it. Oh well, they won't be back. Finally the wall broke and I was allowed to slip through only to be greeted by a torrent of rain. Wahhh? This weather... Keshadi! Wet was no good for her! Charged across the forest, reviling in the drumbeat of hooves and the spray of droplets. Found her by the the twin tree. "Hhmp... very well." Immediately stood over her, blocking the rain, feeling the water trace new paths across my skin. The small one...mmm.... Lumilla? Ah, yes. Curled by a tree.
October 19, 2013
The dead have come. The forest is throwing up barricades to prevent me from entering. I wish to "beg" a skull from the zombie one. Yet all is gone except for fog. The fog swirls around me, attaching, clogging. I'm attracting it gain, becoming a walking cloud of fog. I can not shake it away though I try. I have no control to send it away only to move it. I will no longer be able to see in a moment.
September 21, 2013
Wandered and thought. Haunted by the whispers of those who have gone and those that think I can protect them. They don't know my demons.
Finally wandered over to Reate. Overly cautious, why wouldn't I forgive you isn't really the same as I forgive you. One is a question. Surprised by the gold other next to him. It seemed familiar...connected to the family of Alin - Zafari? Yes, I think so.
Drama happened between the gold and a particularly pushy red. Trotted over to try and get between them or something. (Reate followed) The gold got out of the red's range and ran off. Conflicted between going to find the squirt or running off myself. I can't really handle being anyone's guardian right now. So I sat. Yay. Reate stayed for awhile. Thank heavens!
Reate left when I zoned out and I went and sat in the pit for over a few hours. Worked my way back to Reate eventually. Didn't recognize the rock circle for some reason... eh. The unicorn was frightened and shaking. Smelled bat on him and laughed silently for a little while. Ended up comforting him again.
Stayed with him until he poofed. Found a sweet little white goat and spent the rest of the day sleeping in their company.
September 17, 2013
I typed an entire update! And it deleted it! Well, I remember the ending and the beginning so...
Earlier: Woke up to more rocks. D: Rocks in the demon traps, rock circles, rock patterns, rock designs... even a rock path between the two circles. Seriously? I might have to leave this home. Geez. This is going overboard. Soon there won't be enough room for me to fit.
Later: Traveled over the forest.... over thought everything... blah... blah blah. (Player is tired as heck and lazy.) Sat with the unicorn at the pond... sad Lilith.... blah ... blah.
Wondered back to the rock circle when Reate left. Pulled all of the rocks out of the demon traps and erased the lines. Scattered the stones back where they came from. Took the stones from my bed and piled them within sight distance in a.... tower thing. Hesitated before breaking off the path before it lead to my circle. Put those stones in another ring around the unicorn's. Dragged a bunch of poppies and spread them in Reate's circle. Drew REAL protection circles around everything. I need to do this... need to change something, anything. To prove that I still could.
September 16, 2013
Basically an unmotivated, slightly freaked out, unsocial lump all day. I need to quit over thinking every little detail. Kept Lumilla's mum company. Ended up talking. There is some dark water in her past that's for certain.
Finally had enough of being antisocial when she left. Journeyed to my rocks.... and found an impressive amount of little rocks arrange in all kinds patterns. In my bed. What the? Circled the lot for awhile before settling outside of the rocks. No way am I gonna sleep on that. I'm stiff enough already and fat enough that they might get embedded. Gave the sleeping Reate a few confused looks before he woke up. Said hey.
Drew a few actual protection circles in the dirt when the unicorn poofed. Had no idea honestly if those were demon traps or actual protection circles. It's been awhile since I've done this stuff ok? Decided same difference and hit the sack.
September 13, 2013
Sat with Kio, Shahla and Kesh in the pond. Ponds are nice, I love ponds! Achilles popped up so I ran up and nuzzled him. He went over to a doe and started nuzzling her.... wait. That's his mom!!!??? Oh my gosh! Amazing! Extremely happy that he still has a part of his family that's not... you know dead.
She was a red...hnnggg... anyone that's a parent to Achi is a friend of mine. Greeted her and went a little ways off to give them space. Hopped in little excited circles whenever Achi looked at me. Woooooooooooop! Ran over to Lumilla when I saw here and raced around like an idiot before sitting with her. Too much energy nuzzled her and ran over to Achi's group. Eh, if they didn't want me there they'd just tell me. Sat with them feeling like a .... what was that expression? A hundr - no, oh yes! A million bucks. Don't ask why someone would want so many bucks, I have no clue.
Bounded of to Aurik when he showed up. Flailed around and shoved my happiness in everyone's face. Ended up sitting with the little one and Kio. Spotted Achi near my circle! Ran over and flung happiness everywhere. Tried to get him to follow me to Aur, didn't exactly work so.... hopped around again. Aur fixed that problem by running on over. Cavorted like maniacs. Eeeeeeeeeee!
Blink and ... poof gone. :I Did they fight? Still remembered last time. Decided to track them down and make sure things were all good. Found Ach with his mum and Alina and the fawn I sniffed earlier. It looked like... that first little one Aur took... OH WELL... that's awkward. Quickly checked Ach over for injures nuzzled him and bolted outa there. Not getting involved. Nope.
Located Aurik, he was with a stranger. Nuzzled him and left. Spotted Kio alone. Kio SHOULDN'T be alone! Charged over and sat with her. Wandered back to Aurik and got joined by Ouro. Felt uncomfortable. Oh well, BEST DAY EVER.
September 9, 2013
Found Aurik first thing today! It's been awhile since I've seen my little one! Messed around with the dove sitting next to him, birds. Nuzzled him and sat down. Hummed when he fell asleep. Always a perfect day when one of the boys is happy.
Spotted Kio close by and raced over. Aurik woke up and everyone jumped and ran around with two little fawns. Sat down when I couldn't really breathe anymore. Thank-god for happiness.... I thought I'd have to leave forest for awhile because of all the shadows. Conked out surround by my friends.
Woke up to everyone gone. Oh well, that's alright. Then Kio came back! Worried about her, she has seemed sad for awhile now. Sigh, another one. Decided to be there for her as well as the others. Lead her on a wild goose chase over to the ruins. Gave my circle respects and I was pleasantly surprised when Kio helped as well.
Then, something amazing happened. I approached a full grown red. Perhaps it was the creature's picto, a circle in a band. Like a watch. Exchanged bows before heading back to Kio. Lead her over to the red when she awoke. Introduced the two. Then Kio had to go. Nuzzled her until she poofed. Remained with the red (Ammut) until I fell asleep.
August 26, 2013
Another wide eyed, wide awake moment. I don't know what sleep is anymore, another sleepless night. This silence is getting on my nerves. I know the tricks it plays .... with friends you are peaceful, reassuring. Without...mmmm.... without you have all the qualities of hell. When the woods fall silent....that means there's a predator about. Here in my world the woods are always silent for he is always here. How long has it been since I last called him by his name? I can't remember. Hours, days, months, years, decades, eternity.... all the same all gone. Time runs together.
I don't want to set foot in the forest today. There are no... friends. It still feels strange to use that word so ... freely. Funny what you take for granted. So I sit there. When those voices start coming, I scurry through the border. Humiliating, a god afraid of prayers. Former god... Run, running, I need someone with me. Can't let... no. NO! You will not find me!
Pace slows, going slow through the birch. He has given up for now. Head for the first forest. Stop by the pond. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Finally a vaguely familiar face, Zash. The cripple... no that's not polite. He is probably more steady on his feet then I am with all my ungainly bulk. Settle a distance way, far enough that he may ignore me if he wishes. I make no move, no attempt to greet him when he sits close. I do not wish to chance him leaving. Hours pass and he falls asleep. Have you ever noticed how their breathing stops after a while? He fades and I am still here, still sitting. Silence.
August 11, 2013
Found Achilles! He was sad, Rae was sad and so I was sad.
Felt like the song Without a Word by Birdy.
Stayed until both left.
Found hiding in the crying idol by the unicorn and surprisingly enough had a heart to heart talk with him. Learned his name is Reate.
August 10, 2013
This morning was an old lady morning. I felt my age for the first time in a good while. Imitated a hyperventilating bird for awhile, yay whistling. Spent the entire time sitting in the unicorn's rock circle. Told myself that the reason why I didn't leave was because I didn't want to, not that I couldn't find them again if I tried. It's embarrassing how bad my sense of direction considering how long I've been here for.
I was joined by Aurik sometime later, I'm always happy to have his company. I hope he knows how much I care about him. Sat in the silence for hours before realizing that Ouro had joined us. Resisted the urge to runaway, she was... alright. I just felt trapped. Which was stupid, so I stayed.
My unicorn friend popped out of the floor right next to me. WHY do people do that???? Immediate worry followed. Didn't want Aurik to leave or hate me for being with him. Felt bad about that. Ended up moving over a foot. Noticed that Aurik started acting odd, assumed that I'd done something that I shouldn't have. Sat there awkwardly when the unicorn dissipated. Eventually wandered off and gave Aur and Ouro "couple space." Had an odd moment when I realized that maybe the two would be a family. With little ones. Determined to leave for a week if that happened so I could get used to it.
Found the unicorn again and sat with him. Felt torn, felt Aur needed me but that the unicorn needed me too. Found Aur to be more important. Didn't want to just leave though....spoke for the first and maybe last time to him. Promised that I would be back.
Found Aurik and learned that it wasn't her that caused a problem. Managed to actually help him, a welcome change. Sat with him before returning to the unicorn.
Happy, tired, triumphant, a good day.
August 4, 2013
Spent most of the day out of this forest. Spent the past few days sitting by someone or sitting alone.
Sat quietly by the crying stone watching the world spin and the forest rearrange.
Spotted a familiar looking creature...was it him? It is! Charged over, stiffness be damned! Wanted the unicorn to see I wasn't always a lazy giant. Hoped and romped around the stream, didn't want to stop. Ahh, but the burning started up as always, mmm... ended up sitting next to him again. Guess I'm still tired.
He fell asleep like he usually does. Smelled Alina / Zaferi's little, Italia? Wondered over and sat on the other side of the tree. Kept a close eye on the uni in case he awoke. Decided that the little did not need protection since she's lasted on her own. Like a cat. Spotted the doe that I played the part of home wrecker for yesterday. (Keshadei, At least I think it was) Mmmm...felt bad about that, I should have read the signs. Approached and kept a good distance away, bowed in apology... she ran away.
Came back to Reate and sat, waiting for him to wake. Spent lots of time jumping around and over the stream when he did. Took note of the stone circle before resting again for awhile. Got sucked back into my world. (connection crashed) When the walls finally gave... he was gone.
It's your fault you know.
Shut up. Please.
Fell asleep.
July 27, 2013
I have changed. Perhaps not noticeably nor permanently, I was never one to reveal. I am ashamed of the way I acted. Clinging to those that knew of my existence, such disgusting behavior. I feel I have become a burden to all around me. You never knew it, I hid it much too well. There are more than one type of mask.
I have deceived you, all of you. Below the surface of the skin, under the unchanging face a war has always raged. I have never told you my secrets, I never will. If I remain a shadow it is because I chose it. I will leave every single one of you. When the light goes down I won't be there. One day I will lose interest and fade away. Not today, nor tomorrow but in a year maybe.
Thank you to everyone that has giving me a place here, every connection that has been spun. Thank you. Aurik, little one I hope you know that I love you. I have never spoken to you and yet...yet we are so.. close. Mmm...all of you do not know what kind of hell you've been saving me from.
To the other, the one that stayed with me on the first day back...mmm... the unicorn. Thank-you. I do not think that strangers have shown me such kindness in such a long time. I will remain here for sometime still.
(I intend to write a few stories explaining her 4 day absence and her current condition, one for each day. Hopefully it will define her a bit more and you'll be able to see what she goes through. ButwherewillIfindthetime? Bear with me on this please.)
July 4, 2013
Found two huge crows, pictos floated. Dove between the flapping wings, turning, spinning. Tired eventually and sniffed each a hundred times. Flew to the bridge following.
Joined by Aurik and sat for hours. Woke up to a giant bunny, nice.
July 1, 2013
Awoke without my skin today. Mmm... most unpleasant. Two sames helped me get it back. Found my precious hand mask once more. Grateful. Spent half the day sitting near them.
Traveled to the Ether Well and was pestered by a large crow. Hissed and spit at the injured bird for a good while before standing over it. Mmm... would be back to check on it.
Wedged myself between the twin statues :I Found a huge bunny hoping nearby, sniffed it over. Found a picto above it's head and did not eat it. Sorely tempted though. Lead it over to Pica and spent the rest of the day resting with them. All touching.
Wished to see Aurik today. MMmm... perhaps tomorrow.
June 12, 2013
No more walks in the wood
The trees have all been cut down
June 5, 2013
Woke up late at the pond today. Decided to head home, haven't seen my circle for a long time. Spotted Tea and some of her little friends! Became irrationally happy. They were finally here! In my domain! Not that they knew it. Didn't greet the little since they seemed engrossed at staring at a deer staring at a wall. Odd.
Tried to get myself to calm down, didn't work. Bounced around the ruins and acted hyper, climbing walls and such. (XD Lilith your gonna crush someone!) Eventually sat down on the wall with a sleeping fawn and watched Tea. Eventually the others left and journeyed over to Tea. Sat with her happy that the tiny thing wasn't crying for once.
When Tea poofed I found my circle and curled up inside it. Content to share my domain with the remaining two fawns. Smiled like crazy.
May 29, 2013
Currently covered with blood, yay Pigs!
May 28, 2013
Perfect song for both Lilith & Halla right now:
Awoke to darkness. Oh blessed night! In this realm of light, what a relief to see this. Became aware of a million candles flickering among the graves. Couldn't ignore the beating of my excited heart and ran all the way to the broken rocks. Felt as though I was flying! Missed that feeling for so so long. Gathered some of the numerous candles, fitting them carefully among their magical brethren on my horns.
The moonlight cast such an enchanting glow, glossing over the rough spots and replacing them with smooth shadows. I do not know if anyone saw this like I did. Memories of happier days, laughing with friends, all the bittersweet memories where dancing among the other deer. There was magic in the air, mingling with the sulfur smell of smoke.
I knew immediately that this was a night where anything could happen. Fates could be changed, problems solved, demons defeated and the past could be left behind. Enemies may become friends. Wishes could be granted. Mmmm.... perhaps.... this night was all we needed. Turned my gaze to the stars. A semi-sad smile curling my lips I sent a prayer to those of us who were still listening. Thank-you so much for this night, I miss you, you know. I still don't know what I did to end up here. What turned your friendship to hate. I doubt I ever will. I will always remember you. Protect this forest all you can, Nat I hope your listening up there. I know your not anyway, no one is.
Found Tea a bit later as well as Halla, Shahla and Fletcher. Joined in wholeheartedly in the celebration. Danced, laughed, ran around. The whole bit. Loved every minute of it. Cast candles on all the nameless I could find. A bit taken aback by the bubbles, my voice silenced. Got over the shock quickly. Blew bubbles in Tea's face, so glad to see the little happy for once. Got bubbles blown back! Delighted! Found a tiny skeleton teering around the candles and sat with the fragile thing. Smiled widely as Tea and a few others danced in a candle.
Ran to the ruins and bowed to every grave. This was the perfect time to honer those who had gone. Journeyed back to the rocks and sat with Halla's gang. Feel asleep there.
Awoke alone. Ran to the others. Saw immediately that something was wrong. Quickly set up watch and stayed until they disappeared. Lonely once more *sigh* headed back to my circle.
May 27, 2013
Ran around and helped Pandora get her soul back. Pretty much just happy to attack a demon again. Things died down and after everyone lift came back. Took the thing's skull, no use wasting it. Found it had no teeth odd.
May 19, 2013
Mmmm... basically confused. That's it.
May 17, 2013
Found Alina by the three tree grave. Ended up sitting in a poppy patch nearby. This wasn't the way I wished to spend today. Left and went home. Greeted all the graves, it was surprisingly good to see them. Loneliness set in after awhile. Wished to go to a large group of deer in the distance, knew I wouldn't be accepted.
Called out for awhile before being found by a fawn. It poofed, great. Went in search of fawns surprisingly enough. I found two! Trailed the troublesome littles around the forest. Watched amused as they bellowed in each others faces. Generally "protected" them, wouldn't do if they killed themselves by falling in the pond. Ran around, had pelt wars and danced a bit. One of them didn't seem to realize that I didn't want to dance ALL the time.
After a long time of holding out, the pain in my chest was simply to much to ignore. Sat down and actually convinced one to sit by me. Was joined by the other. Fell asleep, let the littles use my body for those spells they are so fond of.
Ah forest, you have proved me wrong. Mmm... it seems as though there is a lot more light then I thought. Thank-you little ones.
May 13, 2013
Convince me that tomorrow will come
That shadows will fade.
That pain will leave.
Prove to me that demons can be kept at bay
Red can be defeated.
That children can grow up innocent,
live and die with out another's death.
Can you? Can you even try?
Can you ascertain, verify that we all mean something?
That life is better than death?
That burdens shall be given to those that deserve them?
This forest is a sanctuary and not damnation?
Can you? Can you even try?
I saw a child yesterday,
weighed with guilt that shouldn't be hers.
Death is no little one's fault.
Can you stop the tears,
The fears that come alone at night?
What lies can you utter,
That it will be alright?
Well, I tried
and we both cried that day.
Can you? Can you even try?
The sun won't come again.
The red will never leave.
There is nothing I can do.
Can you prove to me,
a once proud and mighty god
that this world will ever be good again?
No, I think not.
Can you even try to garentee that they will never
forget me?
You lie.
May 11, 2013
Went to the pond and sat on the banks for along time. The pond boss was sitting in the waters, Halla and Shahla were having a dispute over a fawn (Pica) as usual. It was peaceful, perhaps the first time in more then a week. There were still shadows, heck there were always shadows, but they had diminished.
Joined off and on by Aurik, thankful for his company. Still a bit miffed that I always seemed to be the one seeking others out. For awhile we just sat side by side. Overlooking the pond and all it's hustle and bustle. Part of it yet separate from it too. Times like this were my favorite, close but not touching, no words needed to be said. Just two deer, one ancient and one young, one a long forgotten god and one a demon, one small and one vast. It was perfect.
Woke up awhile later to Aur charging out of no where like a bat outa hell. Beyond surprised when he buried himself under me. Became clear that he was followed by Eve and Jokerman. Immediately tense at the red's appearance even though she was trying to get the pest away from us. Thought about standing but ended up craning my head around and looking bewildered. Scored a few good bruises and scraps on my hind quarters. Nice. Finally the thing left. Don't know what the hell that was about. Hope I protected the little and didn't squish him to much.
Ah, yet I forgot how quickly heaven can turn into hell. My first sign was the red. Everywhere around me turned the color of blood. Second where the prayers that broke their way into my mind.
Long story short, Thantos died today. He deserved it. I expected joy and relief at his death. Instead I ran a downward spiral. Deep, deep into greif, sadness, fear and a dozen feelings I could not name. God, it brought back so many memories.
I found Alina standing over the body. Managed to give her condolences. Morbid though they may be. Yet another shadow. Yet another grave.
Searched out Achi and whatched over him along side a flower doe and another. When he dissapered like the residents of this forest are wont to do, I went back to Alina.
May 01, 2013
I found Aurik with the foxface. Approached him slowly, as I still did not wish to step on him. Sat on one side of the tree, letting him as I always do choose whether or not he wanted my company. Smiled to myself when the little curled up against me. Looked him over and what I saw turned the happiness to sadness. Although I know my expression never changed, never shifted I wondered if perhaps he could see it in my eyes. Aurik had grown, no longer the round, blunt nosed bleater with to long legs he had been. The baby fat had somewhat dispersed, hints of muscles where beginning to show, his frame had changed, becoming leaner, spindly legs now well proportioned. The blunt nose had become longer, tapering into a not that delicate muzzle, the brow seemed more pronounced giving the little what would be a regal profile. Small antlers had emerged from the skull. And he was so tall! Well... not really he was a bit taller than my knees.
There was pride within me, he was so strong for someone so small. Yet, the fact that time was speeding up was worrying. All the years I have lived have changed everything, even how time affects things. As each year went by they went quicker, when I was still above this mess there was nothing to measure time. Just endlessly shifting corridors, hallways, plains. All grey, all unmemorable and never the same. One day a group would plot against each other, wars would start and enemies were made. The next the war was over, the plotters where allies with those who where their enemies. Gods never truly died, mortality never really existed there. Then, I fell to this forest. Time wasn't made for someone alone, for someone who had no end of it.
It was like the world went into fast forward. Fawns where born, grew up, started a family at lightening speed and just as soon died. Flowers threw themselves to the sun and withered instantly. Trees fell, burned, grew twisted, forests turned into wastelands and back again. Oceans became deserts all faster then I could blink. I alone remained as buildings crumbled and mountains fell. And so I found that all else mattered not. Soap bubbles where nothing to me. Until now.
Watching Aurik I could already see him growing, changing. He'd already faced his first demon, how much more where in his future? I realized that I could already see him forgetting me, however many years in the future, I could see him gone.
When I opened my eyes I saw that he had left. Went to the pond and slept in it's waters. Found a fawn lying still as stone on the edge of the drop off. Not one bit rose above the surface. I waded in and sat besides it knowing there was nothing I could do. Aurik wandered over sometime later but I was reluctant to leave the fawn alone. Fore the entire day I sat there, watching over the drowned fawn.
April 27, 2013
With Alina gone after the demon I found that there was no one in the forest I knew. No one. I was once more alone. Should have known I would end up here. When one does not take sides and stays in the shadows they are forgotten. It has never bothered me, at least not that I'll admit. Back then friends were worse than enemies. Just more gods trying to spin words in your ears and stick worse then knives in your back. As soon as you trust they take your secrets, manipulate you until your broken beyond repair. Then they kill you.
I have no use for this forest and it has no use for me. However long I've watched this place I don't belong. I'm fine with this, always have been. I have no need for friends and others. My souls and graves are all I need. My dimension has been harder to slip through, walls are going up. It's been forever since I've been home. Mmmm... perhaps it will close entirely, with me inside. No. Alone, I couldn't take that anymore. So I will remain in this forest and I will be forgotten. Just a memory, something to play with and leave behind, only a debt that was never re payed.
Wandered the forest aimlessly. No one I knew, Aurik taken long ago, Alina gone to find him, Nunu I have no idea where the bright may be. They wouldn't come back. Not where they were going. Smelled hell on the stranger, a demon that was. Not small and sweet like Aurik, no this one had a mission. Looking back I really would've known... Found a little that I'd seen with Alina not a day ago. Tried to get her to sit with me. Failed horribly (;-;) I'm no good with kids, not at all!
Caught a sent that had my head a twisting. Felt the fur rise on my chest and neck. Strained myself trying identify it. Blood.... and burning wood. Finally my bloody brain clicked. Aurik! Promptly panicked, running around hitting trees, calling out and such. Charged full speed towards the smell. Familiar pain swelled up in my chest, restricting my breathing making me wheeze. Ignored it. Got to the little's tree right after he did. Found that I had no idea what to do. Ended up standing there and coughing. He appeared in all honesty to be...frightened of me??? Stood there like an idiot. Achilles came running. Thought that it was no place for me to be, I was no family member. Circled for awhile searching for danger.
Finally ended up in a sunspot nearby. It was a tad taller then the surrounding ground, improving my view of the forest. The pain wore itself away as it was wont to do. Stared at the sky watching those irritating birds pester everything. I felt old, tired. How was I supposed to know what to do? I was not a young thing that could bounce around unfazed. I was as old as some gods, unable to move with free care and bound by endless thirst.
Finally moved closer, sitting down on the opposite side of the tree. Enough of a distance to not be a bother. As soon as my frame touched the earth red shoot through everything. Jumped enough to hit the tree branches. Fell asleep at some point. Woke up and stood when the little from earlier showed up. Greeted her and tried to make her welcome. Much happier when Aurik stood up. Nuzzled both the new little and him before sitting down again. Got sat on, damn forgot how nice that felt. Achilles and the feathered fawn soon sat near too.
This will get better littles I promise it.
April 26, 2013
participating in Nidem's Plot.
April 11, 2013
Caught the smell of Alina. Knew full well of the attacks that the doe had received. Don't know why, don't particularly care. Figured I could spend some time with her since, well... been lonely lately. Never been able to find on her own. When approached was ignored earlier. Mmmm.... would have given up on the feathered doe if Aurik hadn't been close to her.
Decided to head over when I caught little Aurik's scent too. Rolled around in the pond and drank my fill of water. Why do these dratted creatures rest so far from water? Ran the entire distance to the long grass place. Noticed the red skull (Jokerman) from a distance. Froze and quickly analyzed them. Alina was wounded, bruised heavily, perhaps broken ribs, scrapes and she was still bleeding. Knew Halla had already done something for her, reluctantly. Bit concerned, didn't show it. Obviously not a threat. The red skull seemed mmmm.... fine? Perhaps a threat. Distrust.
Smelt another's blood and slowly advanced, keeping my eyes on the skull. Caught sight of Aurik, immediately freaked. Open wounds covered his side and face. Who would attack a child! Anger mixed with worry. Became increasingly anxious as time ground on. Anger became rage, vowed to find who did this. Quickly rethought, no matter how severe the circumstances, grudges never pay. Know more than anyone people always change. Couldn't stand it any more and rushed to the pond. Tripped on fallen logs and hit a few trees.
Ran around calling to no one. Quickly drank water and ran home. Rushed back after grabbing poppies. Took the form of a fawn, figured I looked less threatening. Berated myself for never learning the art of healing. Mmmm.... Gods have little use for this thing. Hated self none the less. Sat as close as possible to Aurik. Angry I let him get so close to me. Angry this escaped my notice. I was sleeping in the pond for gods sake! Grew uneasy when group of deer approached but stayed put. Worried for the little demon more than anything. Began to create a nervous metallic hum.
Little one, Little one
Don't you trust.
They will hurt you if they must.
Be aware,
They don't care.
Not everyone is perfect,
not every gift is good.
This forest ain't that peaceful
This forest ain't that great
A hard lesson learned
You'll grow smarter as you age
Don't run into a fight
You aren't stronger
Than you think
Little one, Little one
One day you'll see
For now you have me.
March 6, 2013
Covered every part of the ruins. Found nothing new. It's lonely sometimes. Better that way, no one lies, no one to lie to. Mmm... I want this don't I? Fell asleep on the cold stones. Thirst woke me. Parched deserts, bleached bones. Always thirsty.
Slowly wandered towards the pond. Half-heartily chased a squirrel. Not hungry anyway. Spotted a little, was it Aruik? Shrunk down to a fawn. Promptly lost all "magic." Mmm.... annoying. Started running to get there faster. Didn't slow down fast enough and nearly plowed into him. Aruik ran away. Ahh..opps. Just what I was trying to avoid.
Drank water. Found... Achilles? in a tree. Sat with him for a little while. He seemed sad, heard murmurings. Not the little fawn. Saw whips of red. Left. Found Aruik in a tree too. Mmm... the two brothers in separate trees. Wanted desperately for them not to be alone. Convinced Aruik to follow me. Worried I may have scared him earlier. Lead him to his brother's tree. Was successful? Sat with them for awhile. Went back home.
March 2, 2013
Woke up. Red flashed through the ground, shooting veins into every blade of grass and tree. Mmm.. lighting strike. New life, hmm don't care. Fell asleep and drifted back to my world.
Slipped back into the forest world. Shook self off, jolted to find myself "full grown". Thought for a moment my illusion slipped. Mmm.. time flys like crows. Zoomed sight out and checked the ruins for disturbers. That darned Foo Dog was standing on the pillar again. No one else around.
Hungry. Chased, caught and ate a squirrel. Bony little thing. I started to the pond to get water. Distracted by crow, a picto floated above it. Mmm... interesting. Tried talking to it before wandering away. Once more set of to pond. Saw a mix of crows, bunnies and deer. Intrigued. Started over.
Was suddenly transported back into own dimension. All deer vanished. What the heck? Odd damn place. Forest came back. Found myself sitting. Tried moving, slid on my belly! Mmm... pleasing. Slid everywhere, around the graves, up the hill. Circled a few deer. Wondered if anyone thought of me, the sliding menace of the graves. Found myself laughing! Forgot what that sounded like.
Feng Bo was still on his pillar, glowing ball under paw. Reminded of my souls. Slid up to wall and stared at him. Cracked up again. Aware that my double voice laughter was probably terrifying, didn't care. Since in a good mood, decided to befriend dog. Bowed first for once, no reaction. At least he's quiet. Finally stood up, walked to my circle of graves. Pressed back to guarding grave. Went back to my world to sleep. Mmmm... not a whisp of red today.
Stories, Poems
I'll walk forever with stories inside me that the people I love the most can never hear."
