january 2nd, 2023

hello, I'm alve

April 7th, 2020

It's true that I'm partly aware I can't moderate myself much around humans. Also that most of the times I plan to travel for two or three days to their world, it extends to a week and then a month until eventually I lost track of time, and I continue doing so anyway.
I used to ask the reason behind it, but only because questioning myself was easier than giving me an answer I already knew.

-------

June 23th, 2019

I can see how my presence in the Forest begins to superficially normalize as days goes by, and despite I feel I'm finding my place back between its people and its objects, trees and sunpatches, the enormous amount of unsolved things, harmed bonds and pending conversations reminds me how fragil that sensation of normalcy is.

The unexcpected encounter with Taveer a few days ago left me filled with warmth and joy, but also triggered an acute feeling of guilt and anguish I've been trying to nule since that moment.
The dicotomy of missing so much so many moments, so many others, and not even knowing how to face them.
Similar to how it happened with Xiao not long ago, it pained me to accept I was only able to recognize my own son through the abstraction of his aura and essence, and that having tried it from his physical aspect would have been impossible considering the last time I saw Taveer was nearly an old fawn. A clear and irrefutable visualization of the changes over time and again, of all the things I missed to experience while being away.

I had spent that entire morning by the Tigress' side, trying to order my thoughts and especially, my feelings, and gathering courage to start a conversation, when Tav's arrival made me lose the little progresses I had made.
Felt suddenly physically weak and somehow fearful at the same, unaware of his reaction to my reappearance. I approached him as well as I could -which turned out to be briff sniffs and awkward tentative expressions of affection- before realizing Shahla had moved some steps away.

Was ashamed for being ignorant to the reasons behind their distance, and remorseful for not feeling entitled to ask to any of them two. Sat initially by the entrance of what once was the aliencubs' den, nearing to my son timidly as the afternoon elapsed, until falling asleep close enough to surround him with my antlers. A sort of poetical embrace.

Woke up later to find them both asleep as well. Moved to bridge the space between them with myself, in an effort to symbolically evoke closing the gap I feel with Taveer, with Shahla, and the one that apparently exists between them too.
Remained there for the rest of the night, hoping the symbolic act helps itself to transform eventually into a tangible reality.

Spent the following days actively hiding in solitude, not because I was feeling withdrawn or meditative, but because I didn't consider myself deserving of company after having ditched my loved ones for so long. I realize its a form of self punishment, and although I know how pointless in general those forms of behaviors tend to be, it doesn't feel right to create a bond with anyone until healing the ones I already have. Or at least clear them out.

Contemplated the possibility of visiting the human world to evade my mind and heart into self indulgent hedonism, but the chance of not being able to come back scares me too much.

Went out from inside trees, rocks and all the other hiding spots today in search of some water and sun. Felt a bit better after getting some of both.

June 23th, 2019

Orange days and warm nights have passed and I feel gradually less anxious and stressed than before, although melancholic too and a bit empty when I think about all the things I lost and missed while being away.

There is no worse nostalgia than to yearn for what never happened

I trust time will help mitigate this feeling, or at least giving me a different perspective.

---

Been reconnecting with old places and loved ones. Enjoying the River, the sound of the Oak, the hills near the Ruins. Many specific trees, the Bowl. The company of Thais, and my heart-daughter Stria. Exchanged affections and tough head rubs with the red doe. Rough played with her, jumping and harassing the flower patch below us with our hooves until exhaustion.
Good moments.

Woke up late in the afternoon today and headed to the River. The Forest was crowded, but fortunately the Bowl was empty. Settled by the home-tree after eating a couple of berries.
Was joined by Shahla, guilt and shame attempted to raise but were opaqued by the bliss of her presence. I've missed her. I miss her.

_”I miss you”_.The phrase echoed my heart, and this time the temptation of speaking with the Tigress made me part my lips, but retreated again, and pushed my head tenderly against her's for a moment instead.

May 19th, 2019

Woke up yesterday from what appeared to be an eternal hibernation. Confused about how much time had passed, where I had been and why everything feels so different yet familiar at the same time.
Tried to recompose fragments of memories, filling out gaps and understanding blackouts, as if I had spent and undetermined amount of time in complete drunkenness
Still unsure if the things I remember actually happened or if were just dreams.

The trees have grown, many scents are gone.
Walked through both forests, visited old places, it felt good. Felt right.
Approached to the idol to get fresh water and soak myself in the river a bit. Found a feral being, ran around and played with them like when I was a fawn. Like when my children were fawns.
Felt nostalgic.
Was found then by Thais, happy to see an old friend's face again. Exchanged nuzzles and bows, no words. Rested in the pond with both for the rest of the day.

I knew today when I woke up that only one night had passed this time. Still uncertain and confused about the passage of time, but consciously avoiding to think about that.
Instead I ran through the forest aimlessly, enjoyed the sun, scared some squirrels. Ended up in the bowl, in the tree that was once my first home.
Joined briefly by lovely Thais again, but excused myself when scented Shahla in the air.

Felt nostalgic again, and nervous. A bit anguished too.
I'm still unsure about how much time I spent away, but when I saw the Tigress I realized I missed her so deep and intensely that something inside me made me confirm did not was for a short period of time, and knowing how much pain I caused her -and everyone- the first time I vanished, I was scared of that situation repeating again.

Slowed my pace as I reached her, didn't want her to wake up, I was scared of how she was gonna react to my reappearance, if she was gonna be angry, sad, disappointed, or all of it at the same time. If she didn't want me in her life anymore, which would have been completely entitled to, considering how often I vanish from everyone's lives.
With the fear that it could have been for the last time, I lowered my head to quietly touch the striped one briefly, letting her scent to trigger an infinite amount of beautiful memories and emotions inside me.
Retreated to a nearby tree with the intention of giving the Tigress some space, and just waited there until she woke up.
Had to repress an acute impulse of running to embrace her, approaching respectfully slow instead.
Exchanged shy sniffs and cautious expressions of affection before they turned carefree and completely open. Felt eased and profoundly grateful for the -at least at the moment- lack of recrimination, disappointment, hate, or any other thing I had feared Sha could feel.
I know she deserves an explanation, but I allowed myself to lost myself in the moment, to dive in the history we have together, and just feeling content to reunite with her.

Settled together between our trees, feeling intermittently tempted to speak up, to offer the Tigress apologies or an explanation, but at the same time it seemed unnecessary for now. Somehow resting beside her felt more healing than saying something. To be enjoying our company.
It felt right. Felt like home.
Rested my head on the other's shoulder, falling asleep eventually curled around her.

November 25, 2016

With the snow having gone and the weather returning to a warmer temperature, felt encouraged yesterday to wander the forest around. Went to check on the den early in the morning and found a sleeping Circe next to Leia. Gave a nuzzle to the pale tigerdoe and a sniff to her company, and walked away in the direction of the river, happy for them to spend time together on the ((at least apparent)) serenity of the forest these past days.

While arriving to the Idol, slowed my pace when perceived a sleeping figure by the river's shore. Quietly sat down at the other side and rested the afternoon away contemplating the reflections of light in the water to the sound of the stream until eventually falling asleep.
Woke up with the sun already gone and followed Shahla's scent, who was sleeping with Ronra. Nuzzled both and sat down next to the lioness, thrilled to see her after such a long time. Fell asleep again with them eventually.

Went to examine the pond today in search of fresh sprouts or mushrooms on the nearby trees, finding none of my taste. Licked the lichen of a few stones and moss on trees before taking a slow walk towards the higher part of the pond's shore, receiving some Prana from the sun on my way there.
Rested my gaze on the movements of the fishes swimming in the pond, each one of them as effortless and meaningful as the synchronized ones of the fireflies dancing above them. Wondered if the fishes were gonna eat the fireflies when their party ends, and if the fireflies knew this could be a deadly dance for them. Lost myself briefly on an fast escalate of thoughts that went from this simple pseudo poetic questioning into deeper and darker questionings of my own morality. Got distracted --or rescued?-- by an hyperactive and friendly crow with whom I ended up playing and following to the Ruins. Sat down next to a --connection troubled-- Flyleaf and the crow.

Later in the afternoon, I found myself alone at the same time I scented Shahla on the birch. Gathered flowers for my wife that I carefully placed next to her sleeping form before gently lying down by her side. Remained by her side for the rest of the evening, Dia joining us later. Spelled a winter coat on the tigress to (provoke) engage her in play, which obviously worked because Shahla loves to complain about makeovers but deep in the end I know she loves them. Romped around the den area with her before returning to our still awaken daughter.

Feeling pleased and satisfied.

September 5, 2015

Almost a week has passed since the newborns arrived to this world, and I couldn't be more pleased to say that their lives, surrounded in our love, warmth and protection, has been perfect so far. Days have elapsed peacefully, which has given me the time enough to recover myself from the hatching event, both physically and emotionally. Especially emotionally.
Most mornings starts quietly resting on sunspots with the little jewel, grooming the serene little being while her lazier siblings continue sleeping until later in the evening; usually being the golden little girl who wakes up first, and the golden boy only when the sun starts to fade; and after cuddling the night with them, we return to the nest where the younger one still spends her entire days sleeping.
All they know is a continuous of nuzzles, play and milk, the comfort of the daylight and fresh air, sniffing others, our company, the warmth of our love at nights. I observe them when approach to grasses or falling leaves with curiosity, their big eyes shining brighter than the sun reflecting on the crystals of their skins, colorful pieces of life taking little steps on their forest home.

Can't help to think about how ephemeral are all the things we think we know. I thought I knew myself, but barely after a few days being a mother, I realize there are many things yet for me to find out.

Woke up early in the dawn and went for a drink on the Idol, always keeping my senses well alert to anyone or anything that could approach to the nest area. Rested my head under the cold stream for a moment, grabbed some tender ferns growing on the shore, and returned to my still asleep children. Careful of not waking the newborns up, I stepped into the tree to place the fresh ferns on the humid soil; and noticed an iridescent glow on the walls. After inspecting it, realized there were fish scales that figured Shahla must have placed. Grateful for the kind gesture and high fashion sense of ambient designs, wondered briefly if maybe the scent of the decoration could attract predators to our home, but discarded the thought considering the tigress being a predator herself would know best. It actually did looked beautiful, and matched the bright on the fawns themselves.

Sat on the outside with Dia when she woke up. Feeling tremendously grateful and happy everytime I see her walking and playing as strongly as the rest of her siblings does, despite the complications she had on the hatching. The memory of that horrific moment crosses my mind and I press my face tightly against the little fawn, whom unknowingly is comforting her mother from the bigger fear she's ever had.
Spent the rest of the day together under the sun, before taking her to the nest when falling asleep, and curled against the entrance of the tree, I leaned my head down to rest, although kept my eyes open, my mind still too active to rest.

Having so many feelings, will elaborate later

September 3, 2015

Resting the day away with the tigress and Amadeus. Life's good. Joined later by Dia and Circe. Gave nuzzles to the white sister and left space for her to spend time with the fawns while I groomed the tigress back, but ran away.
Returned to the newborns and lied by their side. Joined by the tigress and Circe nearby later. Life kept being good.

August 28-31, 2015

There was a particularly strange sensation on the atmosphere that morning; birds were too quiet, the river flowing too slow. Leaves falling visibly in slow motion, the wind hitting against my scales feeling almost uncomfortably warm. A blurred filter seemed to be covering the whole forest, and yet, no one else appeared to notice all these things. For a second, I wondered if I'm inside a very strongly lucid dream, if it's maybe an extra corporeal experience; but the water on my legs, the moonlight on my back felt all too real.
Amidst the warmth of the Idol's mist around me, a fast cold breeze slips coming from the nest's direction and to hit against my skin, capturing my attention like if it was someone's cry call. Things began to feel suddenly less oneiric as I walked my steps towards the cradle-tree of my unhatched children, and that sensation of uncertainly expectation of – something about to happen – started to be replaced with anxiety, nervousness and a trace of natural, instinctual motherly fear, that intensified while approaching to the den-nest area.
Even before arriving, it could be seen from afar that the fragile lifeforms were seemingly untied from their vines and scattered over the soil inside the trees. Time stopped for me in that moment, and it would have ended if the catastrophic thoughts that were crowding my mind would have been true. Without the scent of any predator near and no signs of scuffles around the tree, the only possible thing to think was that it had been ours, or actually, my fault when suggesting to move the eggs what had caused this apparent calamity.
Numbed of any other thing surrounding me, although aware of the tigress presence next to us, I forced myself against a paralyzing sensation pulling me down, and walked with fearful steps into the tree. The air became heavy and dense, my limbs weakened and containing my breathe, I proceed to examine the nest.
Immensely surprised, but with much relieved, I realized the vines remained correctly rooted to the eggs, the small leaves growing from them glowing with life, and their metallic surface still untouched. Double checked the physical integrity of each one of them profusely, and hurried my head out of the nest to inform the tigress they were ok, before the adrenaline rush fading off made me dizzy and weak, and needed to rest my head down on the earth next to them.
Heartbeats began to calm down, breathing to normalize, but the subtle movement of one of the eggs drew my attention. My body tensed again, and with naive inexperience, I approached one ear to its surface to discovered with thrilled amazement a subaquatic-drum like sound.
Everything made sense then. “They're moving!” I exclaimed louder than I pretended “They're about to hatch!”


The night elapsed slowly, my attention sternly fixed on the eggs, waiting for any sign of activity from them; unaware of what could come next, or how long could it take. This was a totally unknown experience for me as it was for their other mother.
Most of the time all I could focus on was our unhatched fawns, but I couldn't avoid to perceive the distressed energy that seemed to overrun the tigress at moments. I was extremely anxious, and a bit worried myself, but this sensation I was seeing on her was different. Far from feeling the need to question her apparently uneasiness, especially not being ignorant to where the source of it could come from, I preferred to give the other just a few reassurance words, but mostly affective nuzzles and physical comfort. After all I can't promise nothing will go wrong, that would have been dishonest from me. Albeit I'd love to, that's something out of my control.
Dozed the night on and off curled against the tigress, getting mostly mental rest, although very tired, my heart was racing so fast that made me unable to rest for even a minute.

Before the stars on the sky began to disappear in the wake of the pink and orange lights of the dawn, after long hours of little to no kind of activity coming from the eggs, I decided to go for a small romp, always keeping the nest's tree on sight, on which the tigress was quick to join. Grateful to clear my head off a bit, ran and jumped over the river, dyed ourselves in red and gave flowers to each other, celebrating the occasion, and enjoying the last alone night we'll have in a long while ahead.

Returned quickly to the eggs, unable to really pull my mind off of them, and eventually fell asleep with my head leaned next to the nest's entrance, but at any moment for more than just minutes straight, always keeping an eye and ear alert, and a bit shaky all the time.

Shortly after the first sun rays touched us, the two older sisters, Circe first and Tsabhi a bit later, gifted us with their presence; which gave me a renewed shot of enthusiasm, pleased to see them both, especially Circe, whose scent I hadn't felt on any other place than the tigress' fur in a long while. Received both with cheerful romps and abundant shows of affection, leading them with pride to where their new siblings were about to born. Thankful for their calming company, it helped me distract myself from the suspense of the upcoming event.
Assumed that the cyclops must had spotted us investigating the nest in broad daylight, something that we made clear, it was fiercely discouraged, and therefore curiosity made her approach; but with the pale sister being away from the forest, deduced that the only way she could have known is through Shahla. Felt tremendously thankful towards her for taking the time to do that. The two fawn-cubs (forever fawn.cubs in my heart) have always been like daughters to me, and naturally I considered their presence on this moment to be essential, both for us and the unhatched little ones.


Eventually, subtle sounds coming from inside of nest called everyone's attention, and abruptly we hurried to stick our heads into the tree, allowing us to witness one of the eggs making short movements, that quickly turned into vigorous shakes. Expectation grew as the metallic surface started to fracture and a small shiny black hoof appeared from the inside, posing gently on one of the sister's nose, before continuing its struggle against the egg.
Impulsive thoughts of helping the child to get out crossed my mind, but something deeper, wiser told me I needed, that we needed to allow the creature to do it by its own. If it had enough strength, it was gonna be its first victory in this life. Fortunately, before I had time to question my decision, the small being finished breaking the egg, and a beautiful female fawn hatched from it. Swallowed an euphoric screech and watched, overflowed in happiness how the newborn made her firsts movements outside the egg, towards her striped mother. My eyes became cloudy of joyful, proud tears as she began to clean our firstborn

She was healthy, safe. She was alive.

For a few seconds, it was all that mattered, all that existed.
I leaned myself towards the child to help the tigress a bit on the cleaning process, but mostly in a symbolic, emotional way to imprint our essences into each other, rather than a functional one, since feline tongues appeared to be perfect for cleaning newborns.
It took me a couple of minutes to appreciate the mixture of scales and stripes, of green and brown tones; or the fluffy ears, decorated with both sparky dots and white tiger.like circles. Although a part of me kept having the feeling during this process, that if what Shahla and I did wouldn't have worked out, the eggs wouldn't have developed either, I felt pleased to confirm it actually did worked out successfully; especially because of the fear Shahla carried in her all this time.

She was healthy, safe. She was alive. She was ours.



Stepped out from the nest to allow more space for the sisters to meet their new sibling, and to catch fresh air after the overwhelming sensation of having watched my first daughter arriving to this world. Allowed my mind to drift away for a second, resting my gaze delightedly on the overly excited striped sister, and paying a special attention to the less effusive, although equally loving and warm reactions of the pale one.

The time out didn't last long though, because a few moments later another egg started wiggling. Quickly, but calmly I entered the tree again, and lied myself down to wait for the same process lived with the first one to repeat. Watched it shake and fight, expectant to the moment this new fawn would show the strength her older sister just did; but several seconds after the movements started, the surface of the egg still remained intact. The same sensation of numbing heaviness and paralyzing fear from when I saw the eggs lying on the floor suddenly invaded me again, a deafening screech starts piercing my head until shutting up every other sound around me, my peripheral vision vanished, all that existed was the egg, and its movement, that became weaker and more spaced every second it passed until it ceased. In that moment, the panic on the tigress' voice and piercing eyes of the sisters pulled me down to reality again. Not as instinctively as I felt we needed to wait for the firstborn to hatch for herself, since it was an evident thing for anyone to see, I knew this one was gonna need our help to achieve it. Didn't let time kept passing, and with Shahla's eyes desperately pending on me, and terrified myself, I led one hoof towards the egg imprisoning the unhatched fawn to tap and fracture the metallic surface with extreme precaution and determined precision, allowing the newborn female to finally hatch. Eyes grew wide and a brief moment of joy is replaced with the worst of sorrows. Observed with tension how the tigress pushed her nose against the fragile creature, and as she remained immobile, an indescribable pain started aching my heart. Became oblivious to any reaction or suggestion of the sisters, hoping for the striped mother's warmth were enough stimulus to help the fawn to react, and it wasn't until the tigress called my name again in panic that I pounced myself onto the newborn with the same determination than before, and grabbing her gently, although energetically from the back of her neck, and placing her on a cleaner space of the nest, away from metallic sharped pieces, I proceed to giving soft massages on the sides of the golden fawn, growing stronger and more intense until a final touch of my muzzle managed to wake up the fragile being.
Felt underscriptable relieved when the fawn coughed out the liquids that were impeding her breathing, adrenaline rush fading off made me feel about to faint again before big, purple blue eyes opening wide at me called me back to earth. Watching her clumsily standing up and walking towards me was the most soothing sensation I had felt in my whole life so far.
Curled myself tightly to her, allowing again a wider space for both the tigress and the sisters to approach, and allowed myself to cry briefly after the stressful situation appeared to be over, but composed myself to not disturb even more to the traumatic arrival of the newborn, and proceed instead to clean her golder fur as I saw the striped mother did with the prior one.


Let my mind to doze off, tension flowing away after the sweet song of my children breathing, resting my gaze intermittently from one newborn to another for some hours; until the younger one decided to venture herself out of the nest. Watched with please how the little being took her first bigger steps outside the nest and into the world, with absolute trust and perfect health. Followed her little hooves with delicate ones from my own, encouraging the young one on her first explorations, until sitting down with her next to the rest of the family on the entrance of the tree.

It was only then when I noticed, or more like, I became conscious of the presence of others around us, observing intently at the event. I don't know if I l would have preferred it, but at the same time I understood that births tends to always wake up a natural curiosity in others.
Even though, couldn't help to keep an attentive eye on Shardul and Nikhil resting near us, and to grow anxious after the presence of a stranger (loveless) staring from the distance. The sometimes unpredictable temperament of the ember brother kept me a bit nervous; and I didn't knew which were the intentions of the other lizard being.
Remained focused for a while in attempting to perceive the two brothers auras regarding to the situation and understand what kind of energies were the ones that drew them near, to be able to read what emotions were behind their acts. Were they afraid, angry shy? Afflicted? Confused? Spent some moments circling around my thoughts, but didn't found anything to feel worried about, though that didn't mean the possibility couldn't have been there. In a way, I felt sad of how life developed for them, the tigress and now us included, and about the fact they weren't being a nearer part of this moment; but I also reminded myself I have an enormous tendency to being dangerously compassive, and that some of the things they've done to my loved ones must maintain me, at least, a bit wary for a while longer.
Realized there were thoughts inside me that were needed to be spoken, first with the tigress, and then with her sons.
Despite all this, couldn't deny there was a feeling of satisfaction inside me over the fact the three of them were being able to share all this, even from afar. I felt it was good start.

At one point, Tsabhi rose to greet the stranger, and tension inside me grew higher again when it seemed to be something going on between the brothers, her and the lizard, but faded out quickly when the atmosphere soothed quickly as well; and although short, the tense moment made me tired and withdrawn to my closer circle again, my tigress and children, and the two sisters, wherever they preferred to be.



Daylight started to fade out and the sky became dyed in golden and pink again, this time after the arrival of sunset, the tension in my body gradually fading away as well, and beginning to being replaced instead with the exhaustion of an intense day.
Eyelids slowly starting to remain closed for longer than open, but before tiredness completely defeated me, a newer sound coming from the den startled my attention again.
This time, there wasn't an automatic smile or blissful glances to others, the stress from the previous hatch was still well awake inside me; and with anguished yet quick steps and ears pulled back, I stepped into the nest. Slowly, the distressed expression in my eyes is replaced with a more eased one as I realized the process was gonna be more similar to the first one, than to the the horror from the second one.
A couple of shakes and warm bass noises, a few kicks of the fawn against the inside of the egg, and it was done, a beautiful stripe.scaled boy had hatched, and without any worryings this time.
Let out a pleased, satisfied breathe and leaned my head towards the fawn to help removing some pieces of egg shells still stuck on its skin. Whispered sweet words to the newborn, before turning to the tigress with inquiry, confused about why she wasn't already lying by our side, but keeping slightly distanced from the situation. I assumed that whatever it was crossing her mind at the moment had nothing to do with the fawn itself, and decided to rest my thoughts on the many other reasons that were possible for her to not be showing immediate enthusiasm.
The day was long and exhausting for all of us, and I understand also that it must have been even more tiring for the tigress when having to divide her emotional attention between her older daughters, which surely she has missed a lot lately, and the younger ones arriving. I admit it was a task I couldn't achieve myself, and dedicated myself to shamelessly focus entirely on the newborns and the remaining unhatched egg; when not staring at them, talking and pulling others to observe them as well.
Like always with Shahla, I decided to let time to either kill or reveal for itself what was troubling her, so didn't push her to talk about the subject, or to approach to the boy.
The concern inside me was fleeting, and curled tightly against the newborn, I proceed to clean his fur, until the little one rose, apparently comforted enough, stepped out of the nest.

Watched with proud how the three hatchlings walked and explored the immediate surroundings of their home tree, jumping to test their strong little legs, sniffing and learning impressively fast how to demonstrate love to each other and us; and with especial joy how my tigress seemed to have soothed down at one point, and allowing the newborn boy to approach, she sniffed and nuzzled her son.
Grew anxious the few times the newborns' curiosity strayed them too far away from us, hurrying to herd them back to the group when it happened, and continued to rest on the quietness of the night, until one by one, the fawns were falling asleep. Regrouped them on the inside of the nest, next to their still unhatched sibling, and with half body inside the tree, I lied myself expecting to rest at least my body a bit, considering my mind was still too active to allow me to fall asleep, and my heart a bit worried about the remaining egg, despite the occasional subtle sounds coming out from it.

Although absolutely exhausted, I could only doze on and off during the whole night, worried of hundred of things that could have happened if I slept too deeply: someone coming to attack us, or the possibility of one of the newborns straying away and getting lost on the forest; or not waking up to the hatching of the last egg, and of course, about rolling my head by accident over the fawns and suffocate them to death.
Besides, as the night wore on, and still no news from the last fawn were heard, my anxiety levels started growing, especially considering how little time spent between the previous hatchings.
Tried to push the dark thoughts away, and summon instead brighter positive energies over us, over the unborn. After all, a stronger feeling inside me kept telling me to stay calmed, to relax; that the light on this little one was still there, although it was gonna take longer for me to see it.


The morning arrived, and although now it was gonna be harder for me to poker face the worrying in my eyes, I found hope in that maybe, just like it happened with the first one, the sun's warmth call this little one out of its shelter.
The older siblings woke up and, after sniffing and loving them under the lights of a new day, settled down next to them in await for the arrival of the unhatched. Luckily just a few moments later my anxiety was coming to its end: the unmistakable music of the hatching dance had began again. Hurried myself into the nest, and watched how the energetic little being struggled its way out not only quickly, but giving a spectacle almost as striking as the beautiful fawn that rolled out from it: a soft velvet tiger nose next to big, although closed eyes, over a multi coloured fur, decorated with cyan stripes; and a short black tail, exactly like Shahla's, at the end of the little rump. It was a girl. Watched with a blissful smile at the tigress greeting and comforting our newborn, pleased that the initial distance she showed with the prior fawn didn't repeat this time, before approaching near them and leaned tightly against the tigress, I rested myself gently over my daughter's fur for a while, trying to catch every piece of scent and sound she made.

All of them were finally here and safe.

Allowed myself to drift away, to clear my mind from all the stress, from the constant emotional swing of the situation; and for the first time in over two days, I breathed. I rested. I felt fully happy. I was able to think in something rather than –something that was about to happen--
Now, it all had happened, the process was complete.


The rest of the day elapsed quietly, lying under the sun with the three older siblings and Shahla, with the younger one sleeping inside the nest; and Tsabhi and Circe always nearby. Only stood up to escort the steps of the firstborn towards the ember brother's antlers, seemingly allured by the sparks on them. Watched with a tender smile while she hopped around playfully, but completely drowned out, returned ourselves to the group to remain quietly resting.

Gave names to the children with the help of Shahla: Amadeus, the golden boy; and Kshanti, the younger one; and allowed the sisters to name the other two: Xiao Yu, the firstborn; and Dia, the golden girl.


Remained awake while everyone else took afternoon naps, thinking about how that day, that moment was the end of a huge, marvelous process in her life; but the beginning of an even bigger, transcendent and important one. The most important I've done in my life so far probably.
Somehow all the things I feared before that moment didn't matter anymore;
it was the end of something and the beginning of something else, and we were resting between those two eras, away from the worries from both the past and the future.
We were out of time, all that existed was us, and that moment.
A very vertiginous realization.


Before daylight had faded away, I believe, and after the striped mother woke up, my exhausted self surrendered, and leaning myeslef against and a bit into the nest, I fell asleep in the company of my beloved, our children and the sisters.


Woke up the next morning curled with Shahla next to the tree's entrance. Nuzzled the other profusely and romped around a bit, feeling a very jubilant, intense love for the tigress; a little because I missed her too much while she was away, but mostly because of a satisfactory, grateful sensation towards her for being the other half that allowed this miraculous thing to happen, still convinced that it wouldn't have worked out without the intervention of both of us.
Xiao woke up a bit later, and cuddled next to her and Sha on a sunspot next to the nest.

The striped mother later brought gifts for the fawns, from the brothers, and contently watched the newborns picking the ones they liked more. Added one extra thing to speak with the brothers to the mental list, thanking them.
Remembered something I thought about the night we moved the eggs to the new nest, about how new memories and experiences might help healing previous hurtful ones. Smiled gently at myself.

When they sat to rest a few trees away, and Amadeus rose in curious, I escorted him to them like I did with Xiao the day before, feeling a little less defensive than the previous day. Always next to the child, I allowed space for the brothers to come sniff if they wanted, and felt glad when Shardul did. Returned to the group with the young boy, and remained resting with them for the rest of the day, still tired from the whole experience.

Late April - May, 2015

It's been an intense part of the road the one I've had to walk lately.
More than abruptly everything changed. Too many news, too much to say and to do; too little time to regain energy after every word spoken.

Prelude

At first, I thought that just being brave, having enough courage to face my own fears, confess my confessions and say what was needed to be said was gonna be enough as the only and last step of the spiritual journey it was about to land on my way. Silly me, completely ignorant of the escalade of repercussions our actions always has, of how life always manage to give us back the energy we release, in pursue of balance.

Loosing the mask became suddenly a very superfluous concern compared to being hit by the realization of pregnancy; and then again, that thought became completely banal after the emotional extent of bringing that information to the tigress -and making a decision about what to do about it- represented; finding a home for them to nest, giving them birth. Speaking to the girls about it then.
Each new chapter increasingly important than the previous one

The road was uphill when I started, that I knew; but not that a stampede of events was gonna fill it with obstacles. Thank you Ganesh, I suppose.
Retrospectively, I can see that the impact of things reached me with some delay. Somehow numbed myself a bit during the process, maybe to remain calmed and centered while walking it, maybe because I'm coward, or because it was easier that way.

I feel overly tired, both mentally and emotionally; my body weakened. I look for the quietness of the night, for the shadowed spots of the forest to rest, and only by the side of those I can fully trust.


-Manuscripts found written on the bottom of a bottle, some pieces are lost:-

About creating and bringing life to this astral plane

“A fading orange sun,
implacably disappearing between the distant treetops,
I turn myself towards nearby branches, try to hold them yet I fail,
I try to hold me
I light myself away.”

It was a silent although warm night; the quietness of the birch only interrupted by the sound of water or occasional insects passing by, when I felt it;
a gelid stabbing pain as undefinable as dreadful piercing me from side to side, from ears to tail. Panicked, sighed, tried to evade it by burying my hooves under the earth, looked up to the stars, sighed again, panicked again. Felt very very helpless for a moment, pressed myself against the striped fur by my side in an effort to shut all that up.
Blood got suddenly colder and I could feel it freezing my body while agitatedly running through my veins; breathing turning dense and insufficient, not reaching myself completely; bones and muscles tensing while feeling somehow thinner, almost like the sensation of trying to run or hitting someone in a dream. Numbed, stiffed.
I could feel something moving inside me, and dragging out every piece of energy I had with every inch it moved.

-//As I've mentioned before, there are many things Kío doesn't know about herself and her kind, and this situation was, of course, one the biggest mysteries in her life so far.
What she perceives as the feeling of something, or someone, trying to pull her out of her own body was, although a very exaggerated way of explanation of the actual event, not exactly a lie. Regarding to her physical form at least.
Because the material from which the cocoons inside her had been formed so far was being extracted precisely from the alien's metallic skeleton, in order to provide them the harder, better and stronger material, the fastest way possible for them to develop; therefore, every useful mineral and metal inside Kiorana's body this past month was led towards their creation.
This moment, as the last stage of this process, as the last step of her as the supplier of nutrients and materials for them, required the totality of strengths. The cocoons were, in a way, dragging the last energy she had left for them.//-


Even though I wasn't prepared, I knew it was time to let go what was growing inside me.
Before I felt I couldn't rely on myself anymore, I managed to inform what was happening to the tigress, and asked her to take me to the tree we had picked and prepared for the cocoons to nest.
Completely nervous, anxious and weak; I know now that without Shahla being there that night I would have died of pain and fear (especially) before laying even one of the cocoons; but thanks to her support and caring presence, among moans and curses from my own more times than I can remember, I managed to went through that marvelous, beautiful agony for four times;
and when my part was done and her part was done, four marvelous, beautiful creatures inside their shelters were placed on the interior walls of the tree, protected by its warmth and silence and air, camouflaged among its moss and the ferns we bring before from the idol for them to start to grow safely. To become a living thing,
what a vertiginous feeling.

Couldn't help feeling very transcendent yet tremendously vulnerable at the same time. Tremendously terrified of the possibility of eventual tragic events, but even more confident of our abilities to protect them and raise them strong and safe. To love them.
Tried to word a question towards the entrance of the tree, not entirely sure about to whom was directed, but weakness beat me and I ended up falling asleep looking at them, at Shahla, at the starry sky.
I was very, very exhausted; and proud. Of both of us.

The painful satisfaction of self sufficiency vs the beautiful one of receiving help

In an effort to regain energy and to recover myself from such a challenging experience, the next days consisted basically on a continuous cycle of sleeping, short travels to the idol, to the den and back to sleep near the nest.
Felt a deep, instinctive necessity of licking stones from the river's shore, eating roots from old trees, taking longer and more frequent swims, drinking even more water than I regularly do.
-//Surely unaware of this too, what the green doe was doing -without much success- was precisely trying to absorb minerals back into her body from the ones she losted on the formation and laying of the cocoons.//-

But all I did was pretty much sleep the week after. Didn't pay much attention to any company besides my tigress and my brother, the two young ex.cubs, Stria, or any random fawn looking for a warm body to rest next to. All I wanted was to let my body sleep under the sun. Didn't rejected any other's company either, but I was too tired to them.
Amoeba style kinda.
Still, I could felt inside the effects of malnutrition, of mineral starvation. Lack of energy too, weakness, anxiety.
Asked the tigress to share a piece of her next hunting with me, which had me receiving a couple of soft organs a few days later. Ate them with more enthusiasm than I expected from myself, and felt quite better after that. Clearly all that blood filled with metals what was I needed to start recovering.



Letting the sun reach the silence


Once again karma looked to regain balance, and after two weeks of doing basically nothing, obviously a very intense energy had to flow back to me.
Apparently I needed to doze off of my lethargic self, and letting reality hit me at some point;
which it did, in the form of a conversation with the two daughters about their upcoming new siblings.
Although it was a situation that deeply concerned me, because I had no idea how to handle such an important matter, and wasn't sure if my emo tigress did either; surprisingly, the situation went a lot better than my insecure self had imagined. Highly thanks to both girls understanding everything very wisely and emphatically, being receptive and sincere in their worries and signs of affection towards them and good wishes towards us; but mostly to Shahla asking the right questions needed to be asked to them, and giving perfectly clear and kind explanations when there was something they wanted to know.
I tried to remain calmed and attentive to say what my beloved couldn't, or didn't want to speak about; patient to read both girls and the tigress' expressions; and observant to any surrounding shape or approaching sound, especially when the group moved to continue the conversation near the nest, after Circe's request of wanting to see them.
A long conversation was held, and after Shahla retreated from it -which left a slight trace of deep worry inside me- I made sure to make clear how important was to keep the location of the nest in private; which the girls understood, once again, very quickly and wisely.
Couldn't have expected less from them really, knowing how smart, sensitive and caring beings they are.

Fell asleep after the warm, although scary satisfaction of things turning alright. In a way, feeling like this was too easy somehow.



Exhausted, I allowed myself to faint a bit for a few days again.
Somehow, this felt like the end of a chapter on this journey.






The garbage can

I remember there was a chapter on this journey that talked about how sometimes when we think there is no point ahead from where we are, in terms of tiredness or emotional demanding or suffering, as an example, or any other adjective we could find to describe our actual situation; life manages to give us one extra ingredient to complicate our existances even more.
That chapter had to do with violence, threats, rage and such; but it doesn't exist anymore.
So I guess neither this paragraph.

Some things doesn't worth my breath.


The beauty of unpredictability

Days started to feel lighter, I started to feel stronger, healthier,
although the overwhelming ammount of events eventually affected me.

“More than abruptly everything changed. Too many news, too much to say and to do; too little time to regain energy after every word spoken.”

My mind needed to rest.


Sniffed the air once and gave two nuzzles to the tigress and the ex.cub Circe, resting between the striped legs, before departing towards the nest.
The Drinkplaats is on the way there, and I always get a drink or two of magical water; amused of the surprise effect. On the heights of a dove, I saw the red stag near resting alone. I approached carefully and sniffed the air around him, and then again after taking a few steps forward.
Surprisingly, there was a warm welcome what my acts unleashed.
Didn't question much why,
just allow myself to enjoy and rest the night away by his greatly missed company.
Jumped, died myself in red, stared at others, ran, gave flowers that probably weren't received.

Fell asleep on the Oak, thinking about all the things I wanted to say, that I somehow, was unable to;
troubled and melancholic but overall, very grateful and warm.




About the rest of the rest and whatnot


Things.
At this point all gets very surrealistic.

Encounters, some of them are amazing some others are terrible.
I'm tired, Kio too

More things

Projects:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

all those points are probably talking to somebody about something.

April 14-15-16, 2015

Slightly friendly towards sunlight and its vitamin D, yet still reluctant to the excessive midday's heat. Feeling lethargic and withdrawn, try to close around the Idol or the pond, to keep myself moisturized and my anxiety shouted by the water's flow.
Finding myself looking for the company of family and friends almost exclusively; if unknown, always prefering the company of another female /or a being with feminine energy/, rather than a male's. Avoiding any type of aggressive personality or polemic situation; yet at the same time, more than willing to defend and dispute my own or any of my loved one's safety.
Having a special soft spot for fawn and young creatures, although visibly shadowed by an irrepressible eager of cuddling and loving my daughters;
enjoying every second of the often visits of the feral child,
and where are you, white one?

Looking for places to nest, checking the softness of the earth below every wide tree I pass through and its temperature; sometimes I sit on places I like.
Will talk to my tigress about it soon.

11-12-13

At one point I got tired of overthinking the same over and over and allowed my mind to just wander between any superfluous memory or easy distraction around me, sharing small bits of thoughts and looking for the comforting escape that the tigress' warmth provides me.
Focused my attention outside of myself, on the cold earth resting before me, shattered by the roots of thousands of clovers and growing seeds, and the old tree growing from its richness,
pure and magnificent. Magical as the life it shelters.
I looked at the sky above me, dripping small pieces of silver light that with their incessant whispers, insist on reminding us the passage of time, our own mortality;
and turned towards the trembling reflection of the moon against the pond's surface,
and then I trembled.
A weak petal fell from the climbing plants my antlers grow, and I sniffed and stared to it like waiting for an answer. There was something peculiar about me growing flowers, considering they're the result of a very complex process, that develops into a very fruitful result.

And suddenly, the epiphany. I wasn't sick, I wasn't drugged, I wasn't dying.
I was evolving, transforming my existence by extended it into new beings.
I wondered if caterpillars also felt they were sick, drugged or dying when they metamorphose into butterflies.
Then -a little more settled down and close to my situation, I wondered if there were other species or individuals so clueless about themselves that couldn't tell the difference between pregnancy and death.
Internally laughed and felt ashamed at the same time by this thought.

Identifying the causes of my state was just the first part.
Cautiously proceed then to inform Shahla about this; which went actually better than I thought, despite her sudden but momentary midnight disappearance from the forest a couple days after that.
Completely aware of the tigress' apprehensions and fears, I not only understand her, but try to walk by her side, not giving her promises or hopes of things I cannot predict or control, but keeping loyal to the certainty of success, of the feeling of safeness I have.
“Those who knows patience knows peace”
Why should I say things will be alright, when time will show it by itself?

April 9-10, 2015

Eventually another day arrived and the tree I had decided to fell asleep the night I talked to Shahla about my nature, became too crowded or small to keep sheltering me from the light and the life on the forest, so headed to the wide trees surrounding the bowl, avoiding the surprised expression of friends or acquaintances on the way there. Didn't want anyone's pity. Hid inside the hollowed trunk of the widest tree, and remained there for a couple hours, dozing until I fell asleep.
The sound of laughs and play of strangers woke me up, and after deciding I was too much depressed to put up with their happiness, stealthily I sneaked again towards the playground, hiding myself again this time on the crevice of the rock that holds the bridge, peeking outside curiously from time to time after the sound of passing beings. Eventually the tigress sat near, which pleased and soothed my melancholia a bit; followed by Circe later.
And I thought I was so damn well hidden. How did they found me? Probably because they're cats. Cats has superpowers.
And they're curious, so Circe drew near the rock when she perceived me and sat down, which I interpreted as an invitation, or at least as a query for my unusual behavior. Hesitantly, stepped out of the rock and allowed the sun to touch my face for the first time in my life. It felt fantastic, and suddenly my mind approached once step closer to the realization that leaving the mask was one of the better ideas I've ever had.
Distracted with this thought, I almost forgot the young fawncub standing by my side, and cautiously, I let her inspecting and sniff me, waiting for the horror to seize her, but instead I was nuzzled. ??. oh, so you don't think I'm a hideous creature? I nuzzled back, she nuzzled back, and we sit together behind one of the rock pillars that kept me out of the tigress view. Completely amazed by this new possibility of reaction after my revelation, and thankful for the youth's understanding and acceptance, I smiled.
Observed the tigress heading to the pond and became a bit tense and worried, but before I could drown myself in fatalistic thoughts, Ronra joined us, which kinda tensed me even more at first; yet I received once again a warm, accepting response, this time from the lioness. I answered her nuzzles with some of my own, and sat next to the duo, noticing how different and peculiar all our faces were really, and wondered if perhaps I've been overreacting a bit with all these issues I've had my whole life about my physical appearance. Realized it's been a little superficial from myself maybe.
Feeling the acceptance of my daughter and her... best friend, put me in a place very close to happiness, and allowed myself to fall asleep next to them and dodge the heat of the day, although still making sure my legs covered my naked face as much as they could.
Woke up alone later in the dawn, the forest filled with the distressed aura of my loved ones.
Noticed the tigress and the fawncub apart, what might have happened? Felt stricken and guilty for not being able to be there for them as I normally would. Went to the pond and took a pick to my reflection this time.
Suddenly I didn't found myself that hideous.
Left back to the morning's tree of the bowl and hid inside it, waiting for the night to arrive and allow it's darkness to camouflage my green body on the green fields; but the tigress arrived before the moon hit the sky. Remained still ins my hideout for a moment, but after perceiving a much more receptive stand from her, decided to approach slowly and carefully, although didn't take long before we were side by side and proceed to be repeatedly sniffed and nuzzled a few moments later.
Felt joyful but a little more confused when the tigress apologized, yet didn't questioned my luck and preferred to join my beloved in an exhausting long rough playromp session across the whole forest, stopping occasionally to scent mark each other or rest below a low branch ~[As blissful as oblivious to all the intense experiences lived that day for both her tigress and her daughter, between each other as the rest of the world]~ and ended up late the night sleeping between the trees of the den.

Something changed inside me that night.

Woke up the next morning feeling a tremendously strange physical sensation, and maybe even more strange emotionally. Heartbeats were agitated, which was making me feel feeble but anxious to move at the same time, I began to breathe faster, my temperature started to raise and I became scared, tried to get to the Idol but realized I was too tired to move, so instead I crawled to the first flower patch I spotted and rested my body between its humidity.
The sensation grew a little painful, or maybe I started to somatize the fear I was feeling, and unable to fall asleep, I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate and connect with myself, to listen at what my body was doing and saying to me. Soon I was able to localize the area where the sensation was coming from, and that made me feel a bit better. Opened my eyes and stood up carefully, still a bit dizzy and sniffed the middle section of my body. Did I ate something? I kinda never eat really. Did I took a psychoactive mushroom or any other kind of drug and I don't remember? Sounds quite unlikely, that never happens -anymore-. Walked at a slow pace towards the Idol and rested my head under the cold stream, refreshing my fever and mind.
A little surpassed by the situation, remain the day away blended on the background, meditating and tuning in with the sensation overwhelming herself.
Calmed hours elapsed and was returned to reality by a late night visit of the tigress.
Curled next to the striped body and spoke with her about this.

[*]
more later.

April's first days, 2015

-Feeling very exhausted emotionally and uneasy, struggling with thoughts of guilt and regret.
Wants to rest, to hide from the light and from the world itself. Finding comfort only on the Idol's tears falling over her head at night, and inside random trees during the day.
Currently still holding the mask under her legs to avoid it from leaving with the river's flow -just in case she eventually needs it for something- although slowly softening her limbs after everytime she falls asleep and wakes up and falls asleep again.
Trying to convince herself she doesn't need it anymore.

Although far from being an ideal situation, the confession went relatively well. Shahla's reaction was quite good compared to what she imagined it would be, she seemed to understand the alien's explanations, and Kio trusts time will fix and put in order all the stress.
After all, there aren't many beings on this forest that aren't hybrids or mixes or mutations of two or more species. It just happens that her mutation comes from too many places, AND -big detail- they haven't been keeping that fact hidden from everyone else around them.
Bad Kio.
The reptile-mammal deer- alien plant now flourishing into the light, outside her closet.

“The truth is the whitest of all paths”

At one point during the night, the murmur of the river is interrupted by hooves or mooing of fawns. A faintly distinguishable sing of another one. She didn't acknowledged any of it, in fact, she missed the silence surrounding her moments before that.
Doesn't want any stimulus now, she wants to be as near as nonexistence as possible; just for a while, even just for tonight, she wants to be invisible.

Feels ashamed and scared.

“And now the current tells
what the wave withheld,
And then the lightning say
where light will lay.
Where will you go?
Keep yourself afloat”


When the dawn is arising, she heads into the first forest, looking for a hollowed tree wide enough to shelter her until the daylight's clamor of beings and events lessens, and lets the day found her.
Another day to sleep, waiting for
another night to live. -

updates are exceptionally written by the player on this occasion because Kio cannot verbalize anything. She's just a very tired doe right now.

January, 2015

So many things being left behind after every time we blink, every breathe escaping from ourselves, after every dream our minds are taken to.

Too much of everything has happened and too much time already I've been away. The places I call home are untouched, they look the same but I feel them different, like if the lights touching them were the ones from a memory, or a dream. Maybe I've stayed absent for too long; the blue bowl's leaves aren't the same color they used to, or the water in the mushroom circle, doesn't taste the same; and the soil around the den, with markings and steps carrying still the sensation of the golden winged but not her presence, unequivocally familiar and lost at the same time. Completely empty, but filled with desires and hopes and love.
I remained still under the shadow of the two wide trees, waiting for something to happen, to break the inmovil air, the desolated silence.
Worried for the whereabout of the fawns, especially for the firefly, who's scent felt completely vanished and no sign of him was around. But still, there wasn't space to make myself questions. There was no point on reviving what was already part of a near, apparent past for most of them involved but myself.
Some things cannot be understand anyway when it's not the right moment anyway.
I walked towards the pond with the comforting sensation of knowing that both Circe and Tsa's scent felt strongly on random trees or pieces of bark around.
They were alright.

Differently than in other occasions, this time my absence is not my choice. This time is not me running away from someone, I'm not hiding from the sun or the cold or from myself.
I'm just
unable to be here.
/aka I'm being exploited/
And when I am, I don't see my ones.
or they don't see me
/aka the worst internet ever/
so I feel unavoidably powerless.

Eventually, soon maybe, I'll untie myself from all this and return to where I want to be.
To where I belong to.


January, 2015

The orange sky turns black again and the horizon and my eyes are open after the sweet, cold breeze of the winter forest and grateful for being here, I stand up slowly. The soft cushion of soil and humid leaves pushing against my hooves welcomes me and I bow at the space in front of me with guilty shame. It's been a long time. On and off and on and off I've been and on again I light my steps back to myself. “It's been difficult times” --she murmurs, imagining she explains to an invisible someone the reasons of her absence, when an intense scent of thirst and love reaches her and untouchable, she runs towards the source.­--


The sillouhettes of my tigress near the feral daughter, along with two more others, become shapes, then figures as I approach, eventually nuzzles at my arrival. The night became suddenly so warm, so clear and after being warmly scolded first then profusely welcomed by my love, politely sniffed to meet the others, and without much interlude, a long romp was engaged between us. Rolled on flowers and dust, ran across plants, stumbled and fell a few times, my heart felt bright, my body, strong. Jumped and catched butterflies, scent marked Sha's striped body and celebrated when she did with my scaled one and eventually tired, grateful for the good time, I sat down with the rest of the group, cuddled by Sha and Stria. Hesitated the possibility of giving an explanation, although it wasn't asked, I knew my love deserved one. Deserved to have an explanation for my absence, to know where I have been, why have I been away.
–-“I have been...” she answers to herself again, imagining one more time what she'd say if someone, Shahla in this case, would ask, but remains in silence after not finding a correct thing to say.
“I've been missing you” is the most honest answer she finds, and leaning against her tigress, she murmurs those words against the soft fur before, without realizing, falling asleep, hoping this chance of luck and freedom last for a while.

For another night at least--

November 7, 2014

--- clic carefully on the correct spot, at the upper right--
two months ago two lives ahead

November 6, 2014

Woke up after a big fuzz coming from the graveyard. Stayed alert, but when I realized it was a party and not a fight, headed to the bowl. Boring green doe, yes.
Spent the morning with a tired fawn and gave him clothes like I did with ben yesterday. Fell asleep next to the young creature, after they did the same.
Later was awaken by the tigress. Nuzzled and groomed her before Jyoti joined.

November 5, 2014

Lazed the day away with ben and Alex. Gave the bird a bunch of clothes in case he gets cold. Stayed with the goat until he fell asleep.
Headed to the first forest, tired of the birch's dryness. Nuzzled Shahla and Circe on the way there, but left to let the two females space to catch up with themselves alone.
Besides, birch.

November 4, 2014

The lights of a new day hitting against my skin opened my eyes, and covered on a warm sunlight I stand up from the spot I fell asleep last night. Sunlight.
Rain is gone, fog is gone, confetti is gone. Darkness and zombies and crowds too, and I surprise myself feeling glad over that. I can move now, I can breathe and I can drink actual water, not blood from the pond -although I admit the taste of it was more than interesting.
Troubles seeing others, one afternoon the whole forest filled with graves, the graves of those I couldn't see? The graves of what I used to be?
Was turned into a bat, into a frog, into a gigantic deer-being, bigger than a god, I saw the Gods, saw fire, strange shadows underneath me, the silhouette of a metallic bird passing over us. Bubbles all over instead of words, enough poppies to give away. Miracles until exhaustion and now, I found myself feeling glad it happened, but also feeling glad it's over. Maybe I'm just an animal of routines and most certainly, even if I embrace it as a culminating truth, I'm scared of change.
Who knows.
All I can say is that waking up and being surrounded by just the nature that watched me grow, and not an overwhelming amount of different kinds of beings, is the most pleasant sensation I've felt in a long time.

Because before all this overfall of random series of events started; the feral season of intense battles and herds and mating and such was filling this forest. The fawns weren't around, maybe it was better that way, although the exaggerated amount of time they were away became unbearable at one point, too much was going on and they could have get hurt -maybe-.
They returned after it was over, not much time passed to them, a whole lifetime was for us;
more experienced and grown some of them, without too much questioning why, things returned to normal very quickly. Maybe even to a bit better place.


But that is the past and now it was daytime and I was thirsty so I led my steps towards the Idol to drink fresh, just-cried water. Refreshed my head a bit and realized my candles lighted off; but we had no twilight now so it had no sense keeping them anyway.
Felt an unusual scent near and approached to find an odd colored being /muiel/ wandering. Exchanged sniffs and jumped around with her before resting on a flower patch. Dozed my mind away for a while and found her gone at my return. Stood up and decided to get my antlers back, now that the candles were gone. Engaged a (newbie) fawn in an antler.spell war, which was very enjoyable for the amusable creature, but didn't brought my antlers back. Eventually the young one went off to new adventures when I decided to sit my lazy body next to a growing tree.
Perceived golden lights a few trees away and found a duplicated being /misha/ trying to feather himself, and I joined to help on his quest. Just a few tries we achieved the quest, and then, in return, I was antlered back thanks to his help.
We sat together, and I fell asleep.

Woke up to find my tigress standing near, and after pelt.spell her and a light romp, I cuddled my body next to her striped one and spoon.napped the afternoon away. Kept my eyes open for a while, thinking about how intensely drawn I've been feeling to her lately, how things seem to be going through a good path and, how easily, I've been finding myself walking that path with her.
Fell asleep again wishing this strike of good events last for a little while longer.


But well, saying things at loud sometimes calls the opposite to happen, like when you're pleasantly surprised with a nice weather and starts to rain the day after.
The exception of the law of attraction maybe.

Didn't noticed when Shahla departed, neither when I was joined by Cassie, it seems my mind is very away today. Appreciated the golden doe's company and relaxed next to her in silence for the rest of the afternoon.
Waiting for the arrival of the night, I fell asleep eventually and woke up to find myself alone but without my antlers again. Oh well. Went to clean my drowsiness on the Idol's stream and headed towards the den, after feeling the scents of a wary tigress, a melancholic firefly and a tense white cubfawn; both fawns inside different trees. Sniffed and tried nuzzling Circe and found out Jyoti was eating after trying the same with him and being moved away by the tigress. I don't even eat birds Shahla but ok. Tried sneezing the feathered crown I was wearing to find a very extended catalog of antlers over my head, although not my original ones. Starting to think the forest doesn't want me to wear them anymore.
Briefly inspected Circe when she had left to release her frustration, running between trees near the mushroom circle, but came back embarrassed when realized she was being observed, and hid herself again inside the tree she was earlier, moments before Shahla and Jyoti came back from his after lunch grooming in the Idol. With an evident distance between the siblings starring the atmosphere, felt an intense, deep necessity of containing them, an urge to console them and letting the situation got solved by the love they have for each other.
Perhaps -or better- most certainly, I'm just too naive.

At one point Circe returned to the drinkplaats and was followed by her brother and the tigress, but the last two returned moments after. Tried to convince the fawncub out of the mushroom circle through any possible strategy at my avail, gently pushing her, really pushing her, nuzzling, asking her, showing myself sad. Taunting and disapproving the situation too. Eventually, tired and upset too probably, the fawn left on the direction of the Twins, followed by Shahla and later by Jyoti.


A bit exhausted and maybe irritable because of it, gave myself space and time off to ease my overwhelmed mind, and let the family alone time as well. Went for a slow walk and found Lilith on the way, and took a moment to nuzzle the blue doe, not often seen lately; but continued my wandering until reaching the Idol again. Lied down over some flowers near the edge of the river, and questioned if it was a wise decision to having interfered with Circe's meditation and personal space. Probably not, even if her behavior was not what I wanted, she doesn't have the mind of a young fawn anymore, any of them has, and have grown an emotional autonomy that is not only natural but also healthy. Besides, some things cannot be forced to happen.

Fell asleep on that place, accompanied by the sound of the water.


.........
HUGE GAP OF UPDATES
.......

Let's say, October, 2014 kinda

// About the one that holds the journal

-There's an extended list of things Kío doesn't know, from an extended list of natures and sources; the worlds that surrounds her she doesn't know about, or about the beings that lives on those worlds and take a part of her own life, about their pasts or motivations; or how to handle what she doesn't understand; and yet more worrying, she doesn't know about herself, the extensions of her reality, what is it that holds her. She doesn't know that beyond -or more precisely- despite her unstoppable existence, there's a person without time to write about the things she lives. A being that sometimes, like this past time, is unable to find enough time, inspiration and energy at the same time to be able to verbally express and represent Kío in the forest.
Of course, the holder of her journal is me, and I apologize for how inactive I've been and how hard it's getting for me to properly update and express what's been going on lately and such; but please, I want you all to know that every action and interaction is not only very appreciated, but also a part of Kio's development, and wordless as love is -as this bio is becoming- they're all inside her heart and mind.

// Preface: Is there anything left for me here?

http://k007.kiwi6.com/hotlink/y67g907ffy/These_Days_-_Nico.mp3

// Chapter 8:
(from about three weeks ago) ? when I wrote this, about two weeks ago

Spending days aimlessly wondering through the forest, occasionally resting next to random beings with semi familiar scents or not -who cares-, with little-known fawns or others I know I might not see ever again; it does not matter to me.
Maybe the change of seasons is slowly turning me into an (even more) gregarious being, in an effort of driving myself away from the autumn cold breezes or from my own thoughts. I've been feeling myself arid, powerless, maybe even a bit bored. Tired of the monotonous portrait day after day it's shown to me with ephemeral, meaningless encounters instead of something real, something transcendent.
Clearly not on the brightest mood, slowly contemplating the possibility of leaving for a couple of days and harvesting substantial experiences, intense decadent humanity which makes me able to satisfy this necessity of getting an emotion of any kind, of any level; even fear would do the job.

After all, everybody leaves this forest sometimes.


The often company of a recently met being -Envy- has got my mind distracted from those ideas; and although I slightly perceive certain shadowed traits on him, he has been nothing but polite and tender towards me, even warm. Certainly unaware of how welcomed has been his company these days, this gesture will not be forgotten. Enjoyed also the presence of a young doe -Jocelyn- whom I believe I first met when she was still a fawn? Peaceful and bright company, she seemed to be related with Viktor, and somehow to the warm being from before too; so I've took my gregarious place next to them, resting by their side when I found them, yet still can't shake the thought about how some spaces can only be filled with certain beings, and despite finding myself on the middle of a crowd, I keep feeling that emptiness.
Where are my fawns, my brother, my girl, my friends?

Stria's frequent visits had help soothing my anxiety too. Finding myself growing, or more precisally, realizing an alreagy grew deep affection for the young doe, I've realized how constant she has been in my life and in the fawns' lives, and probably mine on the adolescent's life too; unsure about why, but can't help to get a feeling of proud when I look at her, to see how she has developed to become an independent and self.sufficient being, admirable traits at such a short age, makes me even wonder if maybe Karma is trying to tell me I have to learn that from her. To be less dependent of other's affections.
Eventually, probably soon, I'll take her to my favorite berries' spots, since she's always sticky of them and plagued of it scent, I guess she'll appreciate it.


Moments after I had took the decision of traveling to a more fruitful emotional land, the bird returned in glory and majestic as he is, under his holy wing I soothed and slept my dark instincts, without any effort from my side really. It's just the natural effect of the static between our feathers probably.

// Sibling time

http://k003.kiwi6.com/hotlink/9i81arzmq2/03_-_judy_is_a_punk.mp3

(b): we should
(b): say hi to the brown mini
(b): let's hang out with everybody today
(K): haha yes

And so we did.

Gosh I missed the bird, maybe even more than what the birch did; but despite that, I can't -and I don't- miss him more than how glad I am for him flying and traveling and growing new feathers. New wings maybe, eventually.

Fly bird, your light nest will follow wherever you go, whenever you need a resting place.
You're guided by your own power duplicated.


// The Rude

The forest's atmosphere gets tainted by a feral mood, and at the same time I discover grass sprouts growing under every one of my steps. Every leaf seem more colorful and chirpy every piece of bark, yet also reeking of the musky scent of stags and does presenting themselves, or maybe claiming it as their own, who knows -who cares-. I risk myself as well and mark the overwhelmed log as well, instincts or not, scratching against a tree has always felt good.
There's an intense sensation of wilderness on the air, like if the magic that usually surround us had been replaced by instincts and desires, by an adolescent desire of impress and to belong. Chases and fights imbibed in movements so graceful as the most delicate dance ever seen, meticulous, rehearsed. A few victorious and many failed ones had spread, and groups of herded ones has been formed. I look at them, curious of their motivations, and about why would someone want to belong to someone else

-files missing-

September 2x-27, 2014

Quiet, easy forest these days, the sun sets on the same meridian it came from, motionless and submissive as the vegetation covering me, inactive and resigned as I am.
Despite random quarrels and chases, encounters or light celebrations, I can't shake the feeling of something missing, something not fitting correctly.

Where's everybody?

A whole dimension of things is surrounding me, with beings and opportunities and instances; yet every time I check the space next to me is filled with nothing, and although I try to distract myself from that emptiness with something evasive, I keep finding my reflection alone on the pond's waters. Have I pulled myself too away from everything? Is this a new place I'm in? I don't think it's the case really, so

Where is my mind then?

There's no trail of the bird on any place the birch, not a single feather to get a clue or scent to be felt, not a single sign of his sing;
did he took the path of the phoenix again? Will he return with new wings, new things?
Where is the bird, where is my winged state? I go to the ex.sad/machitun tree and sniff it /like if my sense of smell has ever be able to trace the path of something/ and unsuccessfully, I stand up as high as I can, raising my ears above the daily noises of the background. I get a firefly passing by, a bat nesting on a nearby tree, a brown* bird fastly surpassing the common atmosphere in search of a migratory wind. A sunlight gently going through between the treetops to reach my back.
All kind of beautiful things, but not the bird; neither the fawns, or the tigress.

Where is everybody?
Where is my mind? -she asked again-


Did I left my heart on the last place I felt it?, is that it?




* yes, I heard the color




Above, the white-dyed starry night sky

The soft pillow of grass softened my entrance to that new habitat I was visiting; a subtle yet bright moon strongly lightening every piece of soil it touched; along with an indescribable darkness on every place it didn't, on every space where the flora canopied a dense tunnel of chances and risk.

Below me, the fertile , dark humid soil, filled with the trace of millions of beings who walked there in the past, who'll walk in the future.

Unable to catch any scent, unaware of what did the sounds I listened meant, and still blinded by the change of lights on the environment, I confusedly pronounced the tigress' name, and followed the answer's sound into the jungle when I listened to her voice. The thick path of curled vines and exaggeratedly big leaves had me more shaky than not, maybe even a bit scared at first; but only until I started to get used to the occasional breaking branches, uncategorized birds' sounds, and distant shadows' movements; but more important, when I started to understand that there was someone, for once, able to ensure my safety for a moment. Able to protect me, the same way I'm willing to do the same.

Behind me, my preconceptions and the fear that fed it

And for the first time in my life, I experienced the sensation of allowing yourself being carried by other as something positive, to let other held you and to trust their decisions; and enjoy to observe how slowly a part of you start to belong to someone else. To embrace the other when a part of them belong to you too. That's not possessiveness, it's balance. Is sharing yourself.

Ahead, my light.

I stayed close to her while we walk, a bit numbed by my own revelations until we arrived to a stream of water forming a small pond where we sat and rest, talked, and ate the body of an eel the tigress hunted for me. More precisely, I ate the life leaving the prey, and took it to myself.
An intense way of getting energy, indeed.
Intense night actually, we spoke about our feelings getting stronger and closer our bond.
I'd have stayed there for more, yet the next morning we were back to the forest.
I left things I wanted to say to the tigress, things I wanted to ask and explain; and that for one reason or another, I can't find a moment while we're home.

We'll come back, we have enough time and I'm very patience


The day after the trip or maybe the next one, the tigress and the fawns were sitting next to me but suddenly they disappeared. I followed their scent to the den where it vanished.
Concerned, I tried to look for them with no results. I assume they were to another world, maybe the dream one or to the jungle with the tigress. But if they were to Leia's world, where is Shahla?


Where's everybody then?


Slow, silent days. Too silent, too passive. The bird has been absent for a ridiculously huge amount of time, this is probably the longest period I haven't seen him, and I miss him terribly.
Where are you, my brother?
I look up searching for his sillouette on the treetops, between the branches, hidden under a leaf, maybe over the Oak; the birch is not the same without you.
Before I met you, I only went to the birch to rest in the blue bowl, to drink from the waters of the mushrooms circle; but now has become my home as much as the pond is, because it represents you, it carries some of the best memories I've ever had.
Not a single feather, not a sign of your sing; and my eyes can only see a desert of yellow leaves and yellow light in front of me; not the warmth or the orange sunsets I used to.

I'll wait for you to bring them back again, because I know you'll come back.

-Without the shelter of the bird's wing, the green doe sits next to the first tree she founds, casually, a small one, and curls herself around it trying to fall asleep, though her mind doesn't allow it.-

I feel homeless. The places I decide to sleep have no meaning, not if they work as the memory of something instead of a real experience.


/files missing/

September 10-13, 2014

The aftermath from the battle days ago left my body quite useless and myself in a terrible mood. The place where I fell asleep that night was the same spot I spent the entire next day, resting over the flowers near the Oak, in case they could maybe soothe me a bit; and only standing up to go eating occasional mushrooms that could agitate my body and purge whatever spiritual poison I had.
Was found by Shoebox at one point and hated having to reject an offering to play and jump, that on any other instance I would have accepted without hesitation. After I explained I wasn't feeling well, and Shoebox seemed to understand it perfectly, I sat back on the flowers and deeply thanked the grooming and care received. Lazied the day away with the kind being resting on my back, until approaching the dawn, Sonali and an also lazy Kettu arrived. Took my place next to the golden fawn, as well as Shoebox lied by the fox's side, and got carried myself away into the oneiric world for a couple of hours, but conscious enough to keep one eye open for my young guardian.
Woke up later that night to find Shoebox and Kettu gone, but the little blue healer's scent was close to us, so I limped toward hers and distinguished her figure approaching, very convenient indeed.
Requesting her to heal me wasn't necessary, I wouldn't say she offered either, but before I could realize we were both walking back to the flower patch I had rest the day away. Next to Sonali's curiosity, Herla and the kind being who brought healing herbs to us a while ago, Rossamund, I lied my wounded body one more time and gave myself to their powers and wisdom.
I couldn't say at which point I fell asleep, briefly remember seeing Circe -or maybe it was a dream-, but the next day I woke up completely renewed, just slight bruises on the places serious wound were, and every scratch and such was gone. Shook my head once or twice and headed to the pond, and after a small swim I grabbed a couple of the big leaves that grow on the shore to start making a package of berries and sprouts of white poppies to the two healers whom so selflessly helped me the night before.
With an also renewed spirit, romped through the forest until red Vala found me, to almost immediately transform me into a crow, which was great because flying through the forest was so much better than romping. Eventually she turned me into a minimal version of myself, barely taller than the fawn we were spending the morning with. After a while, the three of us ended up on the idol, where later Sonali found us. I cuddled my small Kio version next to the no longer -at that moment, from my perspective- small fawn, and rested the morning away along with Vala, and a quite big group of other deers and fawns.
When the tigress arrived, after transforming myself back to the crow I was earlier and being chased for both her and Sonali a bit, we went to gather a minimalist version of Shahla too. Gave her flowers when she finally became my size, and danced and played with the fawns when, after a while, they showed up; spelled and changed our clothes for fun.
A very easy afternoon with family that led us to end up resting near the idol.
I woke up today and followed Stria and Sonali's scent towards the birch. Nuzzled Kettu when she woke up and after hopping around the sleepy young ones with her, we lied next to them.
Lazy day again, I drove my mind away in thoughts and, immersed in myself, I realized after a couple of hours that the space where the fawns and the fox were resting was now empty.
Splashed around in the river with a couple of beings before scenting my beloved's scent on the air. Followed it to found her still minimalist and cleaning up the den. Proceed to snuggle her in love after she finished, because not every day you get the chance to fit so perfectly well your muzzle over your lover's head.


We spooned a nap together for some hours and I woke up to find Shahla naked. Not that I don't like nudism, but I wasn't sure if this was the context for it, with fawns around and such.
Tried to get her pelt back on, but it was impossible, a magical force of some kind was avoiding me to reach my goal.

so I decided to accept my tigress' nakedness and cuddled next to her non striped body.

September 9-10, 2014

Starting to feel a bit burdened by the regularity that fights has been occurring lately, not even leaving the possibility of healing from one before being encountered by another. Yesterday an issue with a being who tried to consider the fawns as his prey, although very insistent, as a predator didn't represented much a menace. At moments, he almost appeared to be just playing, maybe training with us.
After a while guarding a lonely Sonali with Kettu by my side, and the help of Circe, the hunter got tired and left to the playground. I thanked the kitsune profusely and nuzzled the brave fawn as well. Even though sometimes Circe's courage scares me, I couldn't help to feel proud of her natural instinct of protect her siblings.
Rested for hours with the family when it got reunited, but left to sleep by the pond later.
/files missing again/
Woke up and after a quick swim and poppy eating, left to the birch in search of the bird. Couldn't find him, so picked a random tree and curled around it. Scented Shahla after a while and curled around her instead. The afternoon went easy and gradually the group became bigger. Jyoti and Sonali, Lilu and another fawn appeared, along with another bird like creature, not much similar to ben though.
Eventually the one who seemed to own the trees we were sitting arrived, and recognized him as the creature who I was involved a while ago in another conflict. Things became violent and the fawns dispersed, managed to watch Shahla leaving towards the first forest with Sonali, so I took my side next to Jyoti and the bird being. Kettu appeared once again and shifted to help me keep him apart from the young ones. A short exchange of attacks occurred, pretty sure that even I tried to appear a strong as possible, he didn't even see me as a contender. Any attempt of fight from my side was instead defending myself, and in result I got a couple of severe injuries.
Although it's hard for me to accept it, I need to learn that not every threatening creature on this forest is after the fawns, and to tame my instincts better.
Wounded and under a lot of pain, followed the tigress to the pond, where I washed myself and submerged in the waters to gather the healing element which I'm made of. Received poppies from Sonali and went to chew some more, trying to absorb the opiates that could numb me. Returned to the pond and fell asleep underwater.

September 2-6, 2014

Those kind of days you feel they start intense and exhausting, that they'll last longer than common days, usually ends the same way. Crazy days we've had, and it seems the forest will remain drowned with all this exalting situations starring our common lives.
After the talk I had with the tigress, my daytime aversion returned, probably stronger, trying to hide myself from the crowds and the interactions, emotionally wasted, only stepping out of my casual hiding spots to find shelter under the bird's wing. -Because, if there's a place on this forest where Kío can rest and forever heal, it's below the feathered grove her brother held on his magic being.-
I should have spoke to him, look for an advice, but I guess a part of me was still scared, embarrassed for what I thought it was mistake, wanting to bury as deeper as possible. I felt like if I've spent the past months standing on the edge of a high cliff, hesitating all the time whether I should jump or taking a step back, and eventually I decided to throw myself into the void; or more precisely, I felt I just fell off really.
But finally my instincts were stronger than my insecurities, and looked for the tigress. And also for the fawns, at this point I was already suffering the effects of the abstinence of their presence in my life. Seeing Shahla not especially reticent to my presence made things easier, and it was a good sign too. A sign for keeping things on a good trail. Unsure of how to behave around her though, how close should I sit, if I should be as affective I usually am; things slowly started to become more normal. And what's best to normalize things, is to put them on their normal environment, so the reappearance of the fawns and the friends was very helpful. Of course, is easier to be distracted when in presence of young beings, with their love and their antics.
Although not all of their antics, like Circe and Sonali trying to battle a fire horse and his equally aggressive friend. I was on the birch when I heard a commotion near the Twin Idols. From afar I spotted a group of deers chasing... a fawn? No, not any fawn, two actually, and were Circe and Sonali. I know I said like a week ago fighting would never lead us to a good place, but this was the exception. If it would be necessary, I'd give my life to defend them. We ended up battling the horse/trying to drove the sisters away from them and stop their -not so- innocents attempts of damaging him with the white spell. With the help of many others, we managed to move up the river and Shahla shelter the fawns under the protection of the stream. Scolded the sisters profusely for their actions, even their intentions were good, if they want to get to an age on which they'd be able to properly tease fire ponies, things like this shouldn't happen never again. Pretty sure Sonali understood it, but I don't know about her stubborn sister. I'll probably have to talk to both of them eventually.
Went to check on the tigress and see if she was wounded and I got distracted on grooming her and such, when the attackers returned; another fight started and the family split up, Jyoti ran towards the Oak, and the sisters found refugee in the den, guarded by Shahla. When I found Jyoti, he was being chased and harassed by the other involved, I spelled him to take the fawn out of there in the confusion. Terrified and wounded, I felt more anger than I ever did. This two were never be out of my black list. Back at the den, checked on the family and collapsed, injured and burned as they all were. The tigress' mother, along with a kind soul who brought us healing herbs, which I ceded to the young ones, came to stay with us. Thankful for their presence, bigger groups are always a harder target.
The day was long but it wasn't even close to be over yet.

That was the first moment since /the/ talk that I had momentarily forgot the situation with the tigress, and my wish at that point was to expect the possibility of having not fucked things so much. After all, I lived with this feeling for a long time, and I had already accepted it was just an unreachable desire. I was so not expecting things could took a different direction that same night.
I noted Shahla anxious when she started speak, and even though a very stressful situation had just occurred, there was something else. Nervous and awkwardly, after thanking me for helping her, she mumbled-said to me the real reason of her abrupt runaway after my confession a few nights ago. Speechless, and about to having a heart attack, I tried to act as cool and calm as possible, and retain my desire to jump at her and nuzzle her forever. Be cool Kio. Actually, seeing the tigress exposing herself vulnerable, fragile; when less than an hour ago was fierce and unbreakable -duality, the most attractive trait for Kio- was melting me.
A long conversation was held, filled with euphemisms to avoid saying what we actually felt, suggesting we love each other. But this wasn't a moment to just suggest things anymore. After circling around what it was obvious for hours, we finally eased our fears off and confessed our feelings and intentions, and what we wanted from each other. And even though there's no name I know that can describe this kinds of feelings I have, I tried to explain myself and said just what I feel. That I love her, and I wanted her to love me.
I fell asleep by her side, when my breathing and heartbeats slowed down and allow it, thinking about how easily I give myself to those you don't try to tie me, and how impossible that is the other way around.

//files missing//
will continue tomorrow

August, 2014

Kio vs Kant: The phenomenology of self.perception

Time is a dimension, a magnitude that defines and arranges the continuous succession of events that composes our lives. According to the classic physic, time is a scalar magnitude, its functioning and developing is the same to any observer, to anyone experimenting anything, it will be interpreted the same way, a linear spatiality inside an unmovable sequence of past.present.future.
But in relativist mechanics, time is not just a mere measuring unit, but a (fourth) dimension which frontiers are infinite, where a success can be experienced not just simultaneously by two individuals, but also after or before, one or more times, in a variety of ways. Time becomes a cyclical moment, a corporeal, non ephemeral entity that holds us, not that rules us.
Time becomes subjective, different for all of us and different for every experience we live. Undefined, personal; anachronistically untamable.
For me, this is a unquestionable thought. Some memories linger in our hearts longer than others, some of them never leave, while others are just a whisper; what's important to one can be irrelevant to another;
some experiences seem so brief, next to others that you can get to feel, will never come to an end.

Thirty seconds kissing the one you love can last for just a blink, while ten seconds of torture can be felt like a lifetime.

Eventually we all realize what's important because those are the things that continue living inside us, that become a part of us.




Obstacles as part of the road, but not as the road

The reflection is interrupted by an external noise, it could have been a fawn, the waterfall or a falling branch; a sound I didn't define because it didn't matter to me, either way I stand up and start walking without a defined direction, and keep wondering about the last thought. About the things that are important to me, that have transcended into becoming part of me.
I found myself alone and even though I don't want to, it might be the best now. I need to clean my mind and take decisions, or let decisions take me. Even though I'd probably prefer to be living my regular everyday life next to the bird, the fawns and the tigress, I know obstacles are the most accurate instance to evolve into something better.


“As the "Lord of Obstacles," Ganesha is responsible for creating obstructions of both a material and spiritual order. It is he who places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked. Thus, Ganesha is thought to be the gatekeeper of shrines, and he is said to corrupt all those who are unworthy of entering such holy places by further deluding their minds with desires. Ganesha can also remove obstacles for his devotees just as easily. Ganesha's diametrically opposed functions as both obstacle-creator and obstacle-destroyer are vital to his character, giving it significant depth as he is venerable for both negative and a positive reasons."



The Endless Holiness of the Moon Bird and the Reptile Sun

And maybe the warmest memory that makes itself present at this moment, that owns an immeasurable importance on the order of things, is the discovering of a part of ourselves, an inner path hidden on the birch that led us, me and the bird, to the revelation of our previous existences and the connection that bond us into each other's lives. The rumor.past - that doesn't exists - showed our spiritual creation as the same one for both of us, in the form of a perfect.complex mandala infinitely existing on the eternal, cosmic bluebowl, dying and reborn brighter and bigger with every step we took towards it, and like if our souls would have been magnetized towards the energy it released, our spirits were becoming brighter and higher as well, expanding their extension maybe or just filling a gap inside us; until a new stage of ourselves was created. The Gemini Twin. And even though it was a huge revelation, I feel we kinda always felt it anyway, this was only evidencing it, the reborn of two spirits into an evolved perception of what was the kind of string that put our destinies together. We didn't became brother and sister at that moment, neither we found out; we always were, and always knew who we were, but now we have found out how it happened.

The genesis of the unbreakable bond brought with it the gift of wings for both of us, white for him white bird, pink for me pink reptile. Two phoenix birds now, light.fire birds, water.energy deers.

Was he coming with me, on the spore when I arrived? Is he an alien too, am I a bird too? Is it because he's a bird so we both came out from eggs? Are we both something else?
The undefined.future that also doesn't exist I guess, will answer to all of this.

The warp window also showed us as our own creators, the responsible of the brosisterhood we decided to share.
We decided, because yes, everything that happens to us is precisely, decided by us.


In the future, try thinking before act, little Kío

-And that means the Green doe herself had dug the hole she was in right now-

yes, because something that I've also realized is that no matter how heroic you think your actions might be, impulsive behaviors always take you to a bad place
Fighting is a good example, even though you're defending others; or, as it happened a while ago, if you think you're defending others when you're actually not.
The forest has been filled with intense and extreme situations for a while now. Deaths and reborns (like the mandala cosmic thing from chapter idk), arguing and reconciliations, reappearance of old friends, and dissapearing of others. I guess the moods were agitated that afternoon when yet another fight started on the background, and became dangerously close to the fawns. Insinctively, I jumped into, making Cassie following me, but without realizing that I was only making myself a target now. My outburst cost me a drove off from the fawn's side and, although I'd have prefered not having certain beings watching the situation happening -a big slap on Kio's proud- she understood the tigress intention wasn't that, but keeping the fawns safe.
A few days later Ganesh' intentions of putting this obstacle became clear, after a conversation with the tigress on which she mentioned she'd never keep me away from the fawns; at least, not over something like this, and the word family was mentioned a couple of times again. A low price for an excelent comeback.

And speaking of Shahla, I have yet a better example of impulsive behavior fails: when you let passion takes over yourself and instead of mind you have just a mess of feelings that eventually end up in your mouth and become words that you unconsciously spit out without thinking about what is going to happen five seconds after that
Maybe I was confused, maybe stupid -If Kío would have been in her human form, we could say maybe she was drunk- but the case is that I capriciously allowed myself to speak about what I feel for her; maybe I was tired of keep it in silence, maybe I was maybe I was maybe I was.
I'm nervous now, that I know.

-Kío knows too, or at least thinks (because she's perceptive and it's kinda obvious) that her feelings are probably corresponded, but also is very aware that is not the lack of feelings what pulls the tigress away from considering, or accepting them, but precisely the excess of emotions. Because, besides love, our pasts have thought us other things, there's anxiety, worries and fear, especially fear. Of being hurt, of breaking things, of getting too close or too afar.
She knows this, but trust in what the future might bring to both of them-

And even though the conversation was incredibly tense, and left us shaky and such, it was something that was needed to be done, it was something she needed to listen. Just a few words, but with an amazingly revealing power. I didn't used the word love, because saying you love someone is very wide and open to interpretations, besides, I've said I love her many times without meaning it in this way.
I only cleared that when I asked how would she feel if I'd grow feelings for someone, I meant someone else. Someone else than her, which made her obviously freak out and run away, probably trying to run away from the confession as well, but I was expecting that reaction.
I fell asleep hoping I wouldn't have fuck things too much. We'll see.

I kinda wanted to bury myself into my own thoughts and the constant moisture of the bowl, avoiding every familiar scent I felt on the wind, after spending a moment standing under the Idol's stream, I headed towards the birch. Near the home.tree, Sonali and Shahla were resting. I approached to sniff and nuzzle the fawn, and gave a small one to the stripped doe as well, before bolting away from them.
Eventually I was pulled out from my reflections when a strong sensation of being observed became too strong to ignore it, and was glad when I saw Shahla as the responsible of it. I approached her, glad again to see her relatively calmed, and even more when I received what it seemed to be the idea of a nuzzle. Invited me to follow her to where Sonali and another being were resting, which I happily accepted, trying to put things back to normal again.
Hoping things stay normal, but not wanting it at the same time.



The alien's first fly

I'll took off all my spells and my disguised existence now – she whispered, even though just the trees were listening – I can't breathe under this mask. My wings are contained and long, dragging over the forest soil, leaving a trace behind me -maybe unconsciously, that way someone could find her and stay with her –
so when I found myself under the shadow of the largest tree in the forest, I decided to enter the oak and I lean against the inner bark. I feel the humble -red- string attaching my mask losing its strength, detaching the knot and finally, the brown furred piece of skin with deer form that I call face, hitting against my hooves. I look at it, and suddenly I see myself crying.
Should I just let it there? Why am I hiding? Who am I hiding from?
Does the rest of the forest knows I am hiding something?

-The green doe felt briefly embarrassed, and confused. She took a few steps back and away from her mask and look at it again, before deciding to leave her shelter inside the living God Tree.-

After all, if I loose all what its covering me, but I stay inside another thing hiding me I'm not doing anything really.


-The coldest but most intense moon ray carressed the now naked, but loyal to herself, real alien doe, exposing her true nature for the very first time on the place that had been her home for over a year. Everything was different, felt different, felt better.-

I feel honest, universal as space, endless and open like time and like light.
Slowly, carefully a new thought comes into my mind, how didn't I realized this before?

-And looks at the mask and the sky then, and the pink wings are spread, more than by herself, but for a shining purple, corporeal beam that appeared to come from beyond cosmos itself. With her eyes closed she shakes the wings one time and a dust cloud was formed around her so big that covered the entire forest.
At least, that's what Kio said it happened-

Confused, at first I don't feel it's me who's elevating, but the earth the one that's receding; I only realize the situation when I open my eyes and I see the pond of the size of a small fawn. Surprisingly, I'm not scared, it feels somehow like a natural act, probably my mind remembers how I got here.

I fly against the wind, over the ruins and higher than the oak. So close to the stars, I overview the bowl and I pierce the space towards it circling and stirring the petals and the leaves, letting my alien tongue(s) absorb the pollen freely and I feel genuine like the air I'm floating in. Maybe more real than ever. The birds fly along with me, we dance in the sky, I kiss the treetops, and tear the silver nightly clouds apart. The air feels like a dense matter that contains me, I look back and I can see my mistakes and sins being left behind me, eventually vanishing.

gosh I need to tell ben to try this – she thinks –

I land right next to my -home- tree and the wings retreat and disappear again, and quickly I realize I'm naked but more worrying, maskless, and I'm not entirely sure if I want others to see me this way, I haven't decided if I want to reveal others where I come from tonight, I'm tired and is too much to explain.
Hoping the piece of skin is still there, I run fast as fast as I can to the Oak.
Once again, the realization of my own responsibility over my destiny hits me, and I thank the Gods when I found my mask on the place I left it. My little prison.
Soon, I know, I'll speak. I'll be brave and impulsive and the truth will come out.

-We'll just say the mask got tided back by a magical force-



The punk Kío

I'll just keep living a lie – she shouts - I'll keep flirting and flying and dying and turning my skin red when I feel wild, and using the mask.
I start running and stumble but I don't care, I fell in the pond and I'm a frog and I don't care either.

I'll stay here and wait for something to happen.

July 08, 2014

raise your rainbow flags all of you outcast deer

I've always boasted of being someone who likes what's different, who feels attracted to complexity, to duality, to those mysterious and somehow contradictory beings that doesn't seem to fit anywhere. To feel a special fondness towards what most others doesn't understand, or if they do, aren't able to appreciate.
What they discriminate, I embrace without hesitation. Where they doesn't go, I create my home.
Because, beyond the boundaries of common understanding; the most interesting beings can be found.
The outcasts, like me.
And although walking on the wild side of life is -at least for me- beyond any point of compare, much more wonderfully amazing that living commonly,
sometimes, especially when you're fond of complexity, your feelings become complex as well, which is the situation I'm in right now.

I see myself having behaviors and thoughts I've never had before, priorities and expectations and labyrinthine sensations I can't quite define why I keep having, yet I do can identify the source of them and yes, it is feline and stripped.

The price I pay for complexity is precisely that,
living in complexity.

It isn't a bad situation though, I couldn't find any reason to complain about where I'm standing now,
it's the exact opposite really, I'm enjoying the moment quite a bit.





The day passed slowly but agitated /complexity again/ under the sun and leaves of daytime that since long ago haven't meet me. It's curious how, despite my eternal reptile need of Prana and light, I've been transforming gradually but kinda definitely into a nightly being,
probably looking for its quietness and calm, and those places where shadows gives a perfect curtain to whatever we want to happen without being seen.
This particular day I decided to adventure into the crowd and light again and such. Mostly because many days were passed without seeing Winged ben around, and birds sleep during the night, I went out from inside the tree I was sleeping, with the intention of napping next to him; but Circe's scent, without the tigress, and more worrying, near two others I didn't recognize distracted me so I detour my way towards her. Although the two adults I felt were just sleeping, my instincts didn't allow me to leave the fawn.cub alone. Carefully cuddled my body next to her's and rested under the sun for a while. Eventually she fell asleep/disappeared, so I retook my original path towards the bird. Found him with Reed near Herla, Ciel, and two other DeerMasked beings. Bows and nuzzled and sniffing around, some short romping with ben and then we all sat in groups of two, yet the red stag preferred to find a place for his own. It didn't felt right to us, so of course, mind.balanced.connected the bird flew over him to keep him in company by the idol.
I smiled.
A few moments after, one of the does from last night appeared and, after some small bouncing and romping, she end up trying to approach Reed who obviously just left one more time, without doing anything else but that only.
The Gemini bird and me sat next to the doe who seemed very sad after this, until another doe showed up. Nighttime had already arrived so winged ben had went to found shelter on a warm nest. More romp and such with the does until a flower spot in the birch, relatively near the den, where I lied my tired body.
Busy daytime, true, but couldn't keep my mind off my questioning and all,
besides I kinda missed and kept trying to find the fawn and their mother's scent in the wind, which continuously brought me back into this same hesitation. Eventually my inner monologue got broken by Shahla's sniffs over me and I followed her to the den, where I washed myself of all the scents I got during the day by rubbing them on her. Cuddled and nuzzled her profusely, and let my thoughts eased for today.

It would be very naive of me to force myself into having an epiphany that make me able to align and define my feelings for the tigress,
I guess that, like always, it's better to let time decide for ourselves,

and see if this flow become waves.

Last days of Spring.Beginning of Summer 2014

Laissez mourir ce qui doit mourir

Eventually all what composes this universe changes and evolves in an infinite cycle of destruction and reconstruction: all the clouds above us defragment into pieces of fractals that, drifted apart from each other, are carried by the wind until they shelter on the top of the highest mountains, where they'll become the water I'm drinking, the water I am. The same that nourishes the soil I'm standing over, not long ago desert and cold, is now a fecund orchard of colors and elements and scents.

The same way I've changed too, once again and for much better.

Summer warm nights have arrived and among them many things were brought, and some others were losted, yes.

A few leaves on my antlers had to be shed, but only to let room for new ones to come; to let the sun touch those shaded places in my head that wasn't enlightened enough. I know I did everything I could to avoid them from withering, but eventually we must learn how to let live what must live; die, what must die.

There will be flowers on this ones, I know


My winged state of mind has become as present as the air I'm breathing, as the sun hitting against me. Fractal feathered roots that sprout between the scales of my skin creates a shelter that's more like a moment, like a heartbeat sometimes or maybe even a wave. A whole zhenit of treetops above us.
I look at the sides of my back and there they are, here we are, covering each others from the rain, from the cold, from the distance others might get.
Powers and instances that only become possible by the side of the greatest tree over this red earth;
when both pairs of wings reunite and complete the poems they write together.
Because the feathers are made by letters, golden letters;
Holy Treetops curling themselves into one world, one sameness.

We made a Machitún, and memories were sealed.


Occasional nights and dawns have also been protagonized by unexpected visits of Cassie. Pleased with her presence around more often, I've realized I missed the golden doe more than I was aware. Lots of romping and jumping and perfectly graceful landings, resting on flowers, and races to the blue bowl that have made our spirits innocents and tender again. Lots of dances and talks, and nuzzles but no flirting; and albeit souls sometimes get used to things, and it's unavoidable to feel a certain longing for our pasts; it is necessary to see and accept the changes and evolution, and realizing when something isn't what used to anymore, and that is better that way.
Unable to deny the deep bond that we still share, I'm glad to feel it's now free from all what used to hurt us, and how well we were able to heal them.


But probably what have changed the most in this forest are the fawn.cubs, because -of course- young beings grow and evolve faster. Every one of them has went from being an expectation living inside the tigress, to a small helpless piece of life; and now, growing into strong, well cared and much loved little fawns with personalities, behaviors and impulses. All of them have earned an unquestionable place inside my heart, and even though I've teach them a few things; I've probably learned from them much more than the other way around.
I've learned how to hear their wordless language, to see their love on eyes, on gestures, on small sounds; and how to please them with the most simplest things. I've learned how to be ready to give up myself to keep them safe and without hesitation, to keep them happy, and to let them discover and explore, and grow. And how most of the times, my home follows their little steps wherever they are.
I've also learned how sensitive their stripped mother can become when something fawn related worries her, and it's completely understandable really; so one of my main concerns and avocations these past time has been helping her to stay calmed, and with her heart in one piece, to cheer her up when she's down, and to make her feel loved when she needs it. Because the fawns need her to be alright; of course, that drowning her in love is one my favorite activities, has nothing to do with this. It's all purely altruism.



The youngest of all the fawn.cubs, Kitai, has been the one I've seen -awake- the less of them, only a couple of times and he's been resting anyway. Pretty sure the lazy cub doesn't acknowledge me at all, but also that probably he'll find something familiar in my scent when I eventually get to interact with him. Despite this, he's as loved for me as all the rest of his siblings are.
Tsahbi, the one I led towards the den after the birth, along with his blazing brother, Jyoti; are around more often and although their personalities are very different, I've created a way to get close to both of them. The horned fawn, extroverted and fearless, had no issue with approaching me since she was little. Maybe a part of her remembers me taking her to the place she has called home during her whole life, or maybe is just her playful and trustful personality. Wasn't the case with the little firefly, who needed me to make some efforts to take him out of between her mother's legs and get him to play with me. Not because of fear though, this is a very brave little fawn we're talking, as I've seen every time he stands over his sisters to protect them if there are troubles around. And very pleased I've seen too, that these days he doesn't move away if I stand over him with those same intentions.
I can tell both of them already trust in me, and enjoy getting nuzzled and loved by their alien guardian.
The older sisters, Sonali and Circe, share the same love I hold for the rest of the litter, but I recognize my heart has formed a stronger bond with the pair. Being a couple of adorable cuties is a reason why, yes; but also many moments have been experienced with the sisters being awake, I mean, their presence has been as constant in my life as mine has been for them.
Sonali's joyful and loving behavior makes my days brighter when she's around. Smart and talented, has learned very quickly since she was a newborn, I'm absolutely sure, for example, that her dance skills will eventually surpass mine; and I'm glad of it, of course, our fawns always has to be better than us.
After a long, long trip they made to their other's mother's world -during which I had to learn how to swallow my anxiety and fear about where and how they were, mostly because Shahla's anxiety was a lot bigger than mine - the little winged fawn returned with a present for me, a jewel with what it seems to be a galaxy inside of it, that now I carry in my antlers, between the leaves I'm growing.
Yes, losing some was necessary, now I see.
Both of them are very sensitive over other's energies, and curious about their surroundings. Although Circe's curiosity borders on being dangerous for her sometimes, and I've had to herd her back to a safe place when a fight is being held near.
Independent little fawn, carrier of an intriguing behavior. Always end up surprising me a bit with how amazingly well she interprets her mother's spirit. Empathic little fawn indeed, probably will teach me a thing or two when she becomes an adult doe.

May 2014

The past days lived the forest was soaked on rain and many things were soaked too as well. Water being and all, sometimes I need sun and a dry spot.
Tried to transform into another animal, but only made things worst. Reptile scales seem to be the best thing to be wet with.
Soaked feelings and hearts, I took some sun and stood over the bird's wings to keep them dry. It worked, or at least it didn't made things worst.
Along with some sprouts of my antlers, the rain took away with it the last of what remained there, on the place of me that held still some of who I used to love, what I used to love. Or how I used to love her. The remains of who I used to be.
I can feel the sun inside me now


The rain stoped and left a warm, crowded spring day, with a sweet breeze that brought sun and light. Much light, the tigress was uneasy that morning and kept circling around the den, sitting and standing, I was worried, she left towards the playground, and sat next to three rocks. I sniffed the energy of the fawns, active and approaching and everything became clear. I nuzzled and rubbed the tigress's back to calm her down, although she seemed less nervous that I was. After long hours of waiting, on wich I stayed aware of those who approached too close, all the five perfect, beautiful beings arrived surrounded by love and light.
Sniffed them when Shahla allowed me to approach them, and after that I couldn't resist myself to nuzzle them all. After they all regained a little strenght, we led the fawncubs to the den where we slept for the rest of the night

Wasn't able to rest much, since I kept waking up to check if the fawns were ok, as well as Shahla. They were, of course in perfect state.
Spent the morning near the idol washing myself from all yesterday's rush untill I returned to the den. Found two of the fawns awake along with Shahla and Lilu. The afternoon passed on quiet and I rested untill the sky became dark.
Speaked with Shahla and many beautiful things were said. She tried to act like a tough doe but she's unable to. At least around the fawns, she's the sweetest cat ever. Thanked her for sharing her fawn's love with me, and for letting me take care of her and the fawns.
She told me the name of the fawns too.
Spent the rest of the night playing cuddling and resting with Shahla and the awaken babies.

April 16, 17 2014

Hardness is the resistance that one material offers to be pierced or scratched by other
Fragility is the characteristic of materials that doesn't suffer any plastic deformation before breaking.

Am I tough? I know I'm fragile, I've always been but
do I restrain my suffering untill, without warning, I break myself into thousands of pieces?

I was alone, still scared and opaque; through flesh and wooden entities I drove myself untill reaching a clare of moonlight that slipped between the erratic morphology of treetops and even antlers maybe, eventually got caught by the wind who led me through the tigress's scent and to the Idol. I suposse I approached the river, probably for listening to the sound of the stream and the flow of the water, or to wash my soul or my body or both.
I fell asleep there.
You were holding flowers with your mouth and my eyes were closed, but I could sense you, your colour and your flowers and your glow. It was nightime but you were daylight, warm like you, agitated like your breathing, inside a closed tree I came closer then

I woke up inside the river, under the water next to the tigress and an electrical stag who brought me herbs. Thanked them both and tapped the earth near me, I get inside the Idol and Shahla comes with me. I sleep during the whole day, she stays with me and I love her for keeping me safe. I feel protected and warm.

Then the night and a healer came to me, her body shining blue, her spirit was bright.
I felt rested while losing myself into her light. Strangely suddenly after that, she dissappeared and my wounds felt numbed so I wandered and saw my surroundings, the footprints of others, the scent of their trails.
My body spoke to myself and I remembered I'm an holistic being composed on many species; and also, I decided I needed to heal, so threw myself into a patch of flowers to become one with them, delightfully quiet nectar that I drank from myself - this is the second time I feed from myself being in another form - I thought,
and I felt a sacred feeling near me, the sound of a God, my body was healed, my heart was in peace.

I received candles and decided to keep them untill something happens.
The air was sweet and pink, but even in the dawn, still dark.

There were celebrations outside me and I joined and enjoyed yet I remained still around somewhere; there was a piece of me missing on the places I visited. There was blood and there was nectar, and whispers, moans of pleasure and sorrow, herds of rampant, wild Kios singing on hills; there was diamond trails and others made of coal.
I wasn't there.
I wasn't anywhere.



Trusted in my heart to led me to the best place it could, and found warmth under the love of a bird's wing. I curled beside and fell asleep. And felt thankful too.

Found myself alone again after hours.
I searched for myself,
over and over.

Eventually I gave up,
I was tired and decided to accept that
my instincts
stood me up today.

then we look at each other and I carress gently one of your ears with my nose, I hear a desire of whisper something you finally decide to not say, a golden breeze against us hits your skin with the nectar I left,
I curl my neck against yours,
and we become mercury and melt,
and our bodies are the brightest moonlight I'd ever imagine

April 15, 16 2014

Open you eyes, Kio. Clouds are turning orangepink and the sun is reaching the highest leaves, soon will catch the shadow that's keeping you safe, the shadow that's hiding you / the shadow you're hiding. There will be sounds and bugs and birds for sure. Soon there will be nothing left but you and the light, what is that you don't want to see?

Wake up early in the morning, I follow the trail of a sweet scent, get to the pond, drink a bit, run a bit and look for a shadow to rest, found a fawn instead, I stay. He goes away, I run away.
The sound of the wind hits my skin and I hear the colour of a friend. I visit the birch, we speak, we sleep. I wake up again and this time I walk.
I enter the circle and become a crow, I fly in circles around a tree, eat bugs and rip away feathers of my tail. I become Kio again, and look at the feathers lying on the ground, and I'm there, as a reminder of what I was just a few moments ago. Then I am a white dove, and I stand below the stream to wash my soul, try to fly again but the water in my wings feels to heavy. Frustated, I'm back at my normal self and go to the bowl.
There are two beings near, one white and one blue. I approach, they seem immobile. I bow and they look back, I sniff and they taunt. I move backwards, they approach, I stay still, sniff again. They antler threaten me and stand in their back legs. I move backwards again, they attack. I run again, this time for a complete different reason of what I did before. I hide but they follow, get to the cemetary, then slip and stumble as many times I usually do on the ruins. They become more violent and I run to the pond. I become frog and stay underwater, they go away. I become red for the blood covering my scales.
Slept inside a tree and returned to the bowl when the light started to fade.
I'm scared, tired and a bit sad. I go to the tigress hill but two others chase me away. ok better go stay under the trees that camouflage me on the bowl. Tron keep me company for a while, then another being. We sleep untill the night arrives.
I'm alone again

April 1x, 2014

The forest is full of doves and colours and bright, light green and sometimes yellow little leaves; bouncing deers, soft fur and warm spring days that are already here yet
my bones are still shacking, my scales are pale and my nose is frozen;
and I refuse to accept the sprouts of my antlers who (obviously) aren't aware of the winter
still perpetuating inside me.

I dreamt you last night pristine and untouched (

"Me acerqué y primero del pie las plantas mojé,
hasta la corva luego, y no con ello contenta, me desciño
y mis suaves vestiduras impongo a un sauce curvo
y desnuda me sumerjo en las aguas"

) I became a priestess of gold, doe-headed goddess,
blue bloody virgin able of everything, eager of anything.

I swear you I'll eat you if I could,
I'll eat your bones to heat mine.


My body is now a part of the background for so many beings, so used and predictable;
so much love so easily getable that is not valuable anymore. I've spent a lot of time in the blue glowing aura mushroom circle of the birch forest, amazed with the infinity of magical scents and the capacity of observing the world through the eyes of a different animal, a smaller creature below the smallest flowers, where everything becomes actually bigger.

"The flowers were tremendous - eighteen feet tall! - and the giraffes were running around among them, batting the big flowers with their necks, sticking their noses into the morning-glories, and the perfume! the perfume filled the air; and colors! the great green stalks, purples, reds, oranges of the blossoms sprung around the brown and yellow spotted careening giants, stunned him; and then all the giraffes began to lick the flowers from which they seemed to get some substance, their tongues flickering like pink fish, and he watched them one by one drop to the ground, their eyes drooping, and closing, until they all lay asleep. It was even more beautiful than he'd imagined."

That place holds a forgotten, untreasured magic like the love I hold, forgotten and untreasured.
_{does anybody even read this?}
I wander through the forest nightly silent and lonely but calmed still quiet; stay with those who lean on me. I get anxious, run away, throw myself to the pond and swim to the idol. There's a lotus below the bridge, we respect each other, and I observe. In the empty space of the deepest waters of my aura a battle is being held, between the holy love I own and the dark sinful being who I've fed.

I don't know who I want to be the winner.

April's first days, 2014

Water being,
try to own me
try to grab me on your hands and you see you'll lose me
I'll slip between your fingers

I can be air though
I can be mist, I can be steam

You and I will be air again too
I'll breathe you
and you'll slip between my hair.



Spring arrived again. In a few moons a full solar and lunar cycle will be complete for me.
Metamorphosis.
Change is a good thing.

March 28. 2014

You make me earthly and terrestrial
whimsical and obliging

homogeneous, free, safe
comfortable

You cancel every other state of myself
and I allow you to

You tame me to become feral
wild yet obedient

inmature and self indulgent

Why do I love this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE11_5Spq1I

Rolling on the edge of two forests
I realized I miss you more than I thought.

March 1x 2014

Kio little Kio what are you looking at? is it you or just a reflection. Are you what you see or what others see of you? A while ago you was so sure about that answer, it has to be true.
it is true actually, you are there. At least one side of you is there, in case you loose yourself away. Again.

But how many
sides
can you hold?
Approach your hoove to the water little Kio, take a good look, approach it more and break the reflection. Are you still there?

Am I? I ask myself while I know the answer is no, I'm not there, I'm not here, run through the forest and copies of me are left behind like a fading shadow, but white; I'm everywhere and nowhere, I stumble with some logs but I don't care I just keep running
If I die they'll find underneath my flesh another body another flesh,
there's a sunset on the horizon of my mind.
My scales are dried and start to rip apart from me like the reptile I am, I evolve, I don't just grow
I change. Brighter scales, enlighted, glowing skin. But different colour, darker little Kio

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allotropes_of_carbon

How many wild things you desire wild little Kio





How many wild things can I hold?
The smell of my insticts, the memory of a cold morning sheltered by youthful expectations, the unknown
can I taste my own blood once?
Can I create and destroy?


I'm among very other things, and intense being.


_{Love has numbed me Love has numbed me Love has numbed me I want to feel again}

I want to be given intense things in the most intense of the ways.
An entire pallete of sins at my disposal.

How many sides can I hold?
'How many times can you hold me inside you?' she moaned before fainting.



Hold me


did she fainted back to the forest or away from it?

Doesn't really matter because I'm not there or here, I just run tonight I run
I ran after a prey hunting my desires,
I hunt for a prey and then
I want to be the prey

Hunt me

February 2x 2014

I wake up but my eyes are still closed.
I open my eyes though I haven't wake up yet.

White skies over the forest let little pieces of light cover me, radiating life from the soil, getting the branches heavier and the leaves. Leaves that falls over my back,
are they dead? do they become part of me?

'The whole moon and the entire sky
Are reflected in one dewdrop on the grass.'

No longer the rain no longer the snow can hurt me. Winter is a state of mind, not a sensation.


Warm days by the side of my friends. Romp Fly Love Dance ben Jennie Rest Safe. Healed.
Enjoying everything around us, all the magic that seemed to be forgotten by my last self is now as part of my days as the sun I've learned to allow to get me through this clouds.
I forgot who I was, but you didn't, so I could remember it again.
I saw it in your eyes.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/kio

Substantial feelings are always consistent, wordless, eternal.
The mirror you were holding wasn't pointing at me. It reflected the light that held my essence. Bright and transparent, became a part of me again.
I took some time to realize it, because its brightness temporarily blinded me.
I guess that if you look closer you will see yourselves inside me from now on, and for that I'm grateful, my friends.

Warmer Nights Sharing Growing. Trusting. Enjoying the darkness, the silence, the nocturnal wind, that seems to be solemn and trascendent when it reaches you. The tigress has been a constant source of selfless support and company, probably I've learned of myself from her experience more than she knows. Strong Tender Brave. Complexity. Duality maybe. I've always felt interested in two (or more) sided things that converge into one thing. And it seems I have a great eye to see those sides, even the hidden ones.
Cuddling nights I've spent where I've grown quite protective of Shahla, especially since she's growing life inside her. I wouldn't like some of the beings who have fought her in the past would find her (sh)alone, so even though I know I don't look intimidating or threatening at all, I know I can disipate those who own a dark aura with the enlightened one I own.
My love is bigger than their rage.

Spent this morning with a nameless gray being in the bowl. Jumped under the sun and lie down with her when I got tired. Eventually rested my head on the ground and let the soil talked to me. I felt the earth breathing and its movement made me fall asleep next to the gray being. The dream the soil and me had, tasted sweet.
After hours resting, led her to Jennie and Fly. Felt asleep again after a short playtime during wich I felt like a fawn again.
I woke up in the night

The pond isn't brighter now than before, neither hold more life now than it used to, but I see it brighter and I see it more alive. Winter doesn't matter, I swam for hours and the fishes swam with me. They loved it and so did I.
Spoted Cassie alone by the river and kept her company for a while. Went to wander through the forest ocassionally running but mostly slowly watching at the floor so I didn't accidentally step on a bug. I ran into Herla resting below a flower patch. This flowers where really tall because I could manage to (sort of) got into her small shelter after she invited me resting next to her. Eventually felt asleep by the small doe's side, feeling myself wiser than ever.

February 1x, 2014

Winter arrived fast, as beautiful as hard, bringing
rough days for me since snow and rain have cooled my reptile blood and I think that if it wasn't for my mammal side, I'll be freezed already. The plants in my antlers have losted any sign of life and turned into brown, dry leaves.
Cold nights that I've only been able to go through thanks to those who help me sharing their natural warmth with me.

Cold green body with an exhausted, yet eased soul.

Philosophical Soliloquy


I look at my reflection in the pond waters and my reflection looks back at me. My eyes shining like blue fire in the water, corporeal and untouchable, enlightening the fishes swiming below me. I'm a different deer from who I was.
Karma was balanced one more time and again I became a wiser, stronger being. I trust in my insticts and I know myself more now.
I used to be frightened of so many things. Of being dissapointed or hurted. Of cold, the silence, of verbalizing moments because of the possibility they could fade away. Of answers. Of myself. Of questions. I was scared of the future that it is my actual present.

All those things I used to be afraid of has happened to me and I'm still alive. Now the word frighten seems mundane.
I'm proud to know and say that I've never been scared to love though, to express my love, and make them others feel it.. Love, what a misunderstood word lately.

“In the Buddhist tradition, compassion and love are seen as two aspects of the same thing: Compassion is the wish for another being to be free from suffering; love is wanting them to have happiness." -His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

Sigh.
Exhausted yet eased soul indeed. Eased because of the good place things ended, but emotionally exhausted for going through a long, redundant conversation with Cassie to get there, on wich I was explained many times things I didn't asked and misunderstood untill frustation. Surely I was misunderstanding her back too. It intriguish me though how come all this intrinsic diferences didn't showed up earlier.
I guess our conceptions about what loving someone and being loyal differ too much. For me, being loyal is not reduced to a romantic level. It means being honest and noble, supportive. I never asked myself about reasons about why we could or couldn't be mates or casual mates because I can't see the point of that question.
I don't understand so many things about me yet, about this world, about relationships. I haven't experienced so many things, enjoyed instances and moments, meeting people, growing, learning things. I'm not sure about who I am, who I will be, what aspects of myself lies inside me waiting to arise; and for sure I don't know either who others will be in the future. Life has thought me I have to be patient to let the true nature of things gets revealed by itself.

I don't believe in the illusion of naming and labeling things as ethereal as feelings.
Don't believe either in the need of owning. Things or beings.
And It's not an aversion towards romantic fidelity, monogamy or anything, I'd absolutely love to accept a commitment of that nature if that would make both me and the other involved happy.

Is just that I believe that real promises doesn't need words, that things choose their own name by themselves. That only time can judge who we are.
That the road to really get to know someone is long, probably endless.
That the essence, the true nature of things, is something that cannot be changed.
Would have made ??any difference having put a name into what we used to be? Things would have occured the same way it did.

Tried to explain that I wasn't hurted about that matter, or neither confused about the need of spending time away; but I do was hurted and confused because of doing it in such an abruptal and uncaring way.
Spiny path of hurtful words from both sides, eventually led us to relief our dense souls from all that we resented. A lot of things needed to be said to let things be cleared up.

'Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.' -His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

Or as I've learned, it takes a lot of suffering to become this happy. Things finally ended in a good way, satisfied and calmed to being able to keep my friend in my heart without hurting feelings; letting time takes care to teach us how to let this go away and enjoy from a healthy and supportive, happy frienship. aka love and loyalty.
And I'm glad to realize that even after all that happened, I feel safe towards the feeling I can keep trusting and relying on Cassie. I understand this as a circumstantial misundertanding and it has nothing to do with her true nature. She is a noble, good doe; honest and loving to my eyes.

Exhausted soul, took a couple of sabbatical days to rest my mind and heal my heart; regain some energy and keep being the nuzzler playful deer I am. I'm in the middle of the winter and need my friends to keep me alive.



(Relieve sigh)



End of soliloquy

January 27, 2014

Woke up near the pond and went for a swim, the waters were cold but made me feel alive. Felt grateful for that. Spotted three does playing near (I couldn't got her pictos and neither know if they were actually does not stags, but I prefer to assume they were, just because girls are cuter) and went to join them. Romped and danced for a while untill I got tired and, after sharing goodbye.nuzzles, went to rest on the Bowl. On my way there, felt Shahla's sweet musky scent, and followed it to her hill. Found the tigress bouncing around, she seemed brightly happy this night and my heart was filled with my friend's joy. Drowned her in nuzzles and caresses before joining the bounces and then cuddling by her side. Losted myself in my thoughts projected through the horizon and when I returned to earth, saw Elle and Sha standing a few trees away; felt glad for her seeing she could bear to stay near me, I guess it's a progress, although maybe I forced her too much because when I went sat next to them, she moved away. Decided to go for a night walk, besides, they obviously needed some alone time, what was I thinking?

A verse came to me and whispered it to myself



'The day dismisses without sun
The night hides your own voice.

And besides,
you are the sun;
slowly, maybe,
you can also be the moon'

Ran through the idol and found a sleepy Herla by the river. Nuzzled her and lied next to the little doe to keep her company. Eventually fell asleep by her side.

January ..., 2014

What a weekend... no comments

January 23, 2014

Stayed most of the day babysitting Severa, happy to finally meet the little one. Was joined by Fly, long time no seeing my friend, bounced and danced around little Severa with him before returning to rest by her side.
When both dissappeared, went to the pond for a swim and stayed under the water for so long I fell asleep. Was awakened by a very young fawn who was desperately mooing next to me. The little thing seemed confused although strong and brave. Powerful. I took him to the Twins Statue and through the Idol, all those colors changings amused him and I felt him happier. Romped and played through the forest untill eventually we got tired, so I led him to the Old Oak to keep him safe. I fell asleep again and when I woke up, he had left - hope he's doing ok.
Felt Shahla's scent and followed it up to her hill. Gave the tigress loving nuzzles and laid down next to her.

January 13, 2014

I've been feeling myself quite away again... hope is just a fleeting sensation.
The blue smell of the bowl woke me up in a slight gray mood, but the light of the sun shining in my back was enough to charge me with high energy. Remained resting on Shahla's hill for a while, untill I felt Jennie runing around in the forest. Found her near the pond but inmovil, and after failing in my attempts to draw her attention by dancing and jumping around her, I sat next to her untill I scented Puppy in the air. Felt joyful because It's been a long time since I last saw the little doggie dear, so I went to find her next to a sleeping Ben. Both of them woke up probably because of all the mess I was doing around them due to my excitement, so we danced and romped around and then Jennie joined us! Perfect day for a gloomy Kio, nothing can go wrong with the love of my friends surrounding me. Lied down next to a tree and let my heart filled with happyness watching at my friends hopping around, untill they came to sit next to me.
Puppy and Ben must have been really tired because they fell asleep almost inmediately, so Jennie and I stayed watching at the horizon while the afternoon was slowly turning into night.
Eventually everyone left but a sleeping Noodle next to me. Felt grateful for the young doe's company, and stayed with her for a while. Spotted Herla and Gehirn resting near so I approached quietly and gave a nuzzle to the sleeping doe before going for a walk through the forest.
Felt Shahla's scent and the air turned warmer, followed the trail to find the tigress resting on her hill, and lied by her side to rest my head on her back while looking at the bowl, surrounded by the same blue aroma that woke me up in the morning, but this time with my heart filled with love. Felt grateful towards Shahla, although didn't told her, I feel that she knows it anyway. I cuddled next to her and fell asleep for a couple of hours.
Opened my eyes to see one of the cutests cubs I've seen lately resting under Shahla. Nuzzled the little being to show her she can be safe around me, wich she seemed to perfectly understand. Smothered Shahla in loving nuzzles before lying down next to her and the cub.
Was later joined by Lilith who lied next to me. It's been a while since I last saw my friend so I felt happy for her presence. Nuzzled her a lot and curled by her side to fell asleep feeling surrounded by the love of my friends.

December 30, 2013

As soon as I opened my eyes I was turned into a little bunny. Good thing I found Spartak near because below him I could protect myself from the snow which filled the forest today.

December 29, 2013

Woke up next to Vala and Jennie and went to find them in a mushroom circle next to the Ruins, romped for a while with Vala and spammed each other with different antlers untill she left. I came back to the mushroom circle and danced with a squirrel untill I lied down next to Jennie.
Perceived a sweet quite sensation and recognized Su.mi near us, felt blissful since I haven't seen her in months, so I led Jennie towards her. Romped and played along with Schtil and other ones who joined us untill Su.mi and Schtil left to enjoy the quite afternoon.
Spend the rest of the day resting with Jennie and a fawned Lilith untill the heat became umbearable so I decided to go for a swim and stayed the closest I could to the pond. Was later joined by Calder, grateful for the company untill he dissappeared in the night.
Went for a walk til I found Lilu and a friend of 'her'. He seemed cautious or scared of me, and his energy must have done something because when I tried to nuzzle him my body dissappeared from the forest
(internet crashed)
reappeared near the pond, and went to find Shahla resting with Leona and a friend of them, Skuer. Nuzzled the trio and sat next to a tree with Leona while Shahla and her friend went on a hunting.
Talked to Leona for many hours untill I fell asleep in her comfy back

December 28, 2013

Woke up no longer feeling like being a mini, probably a bit tired of exteriorizing how I feel with no feedback. Tired of asking questions to receive unsatisfactory answers.
Scented blood in the air, and a dense atmosphere. Sadness, or at least anger on one of my friend's heart. Followed the trail to find a hurted Shahla standing in a sunspot. I filled her in nuzzles and licked her wounds, trying to make her feel a bit better. She tried to jump around, but I sat next to her so she could rest too. Upset and sad, didn't like to see anyone hurted, but even less those who have been there for me when I've needed.
Then a friendly doe (Leona) who seemed to know Shahla arrived, quickly I sniffed her, cautious and protective of my friend, and catched a sweet gentle aura on her, so I invited to sit with us. She stayed slightly afar though.
I rested my head on the tigress shoulder, trying to surround her with my love and healing energy.

Later a not much enjoyable scent invaded the air. Felt threatened for the dark presence of two stags fighting around us, or fighting us, I smelled blood on them, and recognized when during the past rut one of them tried to eat me and Calder. Disgusted for his energy and absence of aura, decided to confront them to protect Shahla, even if I don't know how to fight and probably don't look like a threat at all, managed along with Leona to drove them away from them. Brave Leona, decided to distract and leade them away from us
(player is suffering from lazyness caused by the 118° this city is going though, sorry for the inactivity)
Found the tigress resting on the edge of the blue bowl and went checked if she was ok. Stand next to her in cause those two dumbmales came back. Eventually felt tired and after smother each other in nuzzles, I cuddled next to her for the rest of the night.

December 21, 2013

Summer and Winter Solstices meeting as one in the forest. Opposite forces equally strong modifying everthing around it, converging in me; my body is burning but my soul is cold.
Intense. Naive. Passionate. Strong, very strong. But not enough.
Fragile.

Stayed too much time away from the forest, my encounters and walks filled with an automaton sad taste; my body resting on a field, but my mind floating miles away. My heart once melted is now a fluid lost somewhere in the forest, or outside it, doesn't matter much really. But as I said before, I'm a strong child of the Gods. My emotions are intense, so mighty that can be turned into a tangible substance.
I just need to find myself again, enjoy the delightful paradox of the warm sun healing my soul under a regenerating cold rain.

The painful satisfaction of self-sufficiency

Woke up quite early next to the Gods statue, feeling a bit oppressed by my own thoughts, although calmed by the protection and love of the Gods standing next to me. Made a reverence to them and went wandering through the forest.
Maybe because I'm used to or maybe because I was searching what I was missing, almost without realizing went to all those places I was trying to avoid lately.
The stone bridge, the hill next to it. The crying Idol. The old oak.
The blue bowl. I felt unimportant, ignored. And didn't understand anything. I was disconcerted and even a bit dissapointed.
I got tired and fell asleep there.
Had a dream where I was the sea and then the air.
The heat was unbearable and suddenly started to rain. Maybe that's why I dreamt that.
Woke up and took a deep breath, and all the scents in the forest surrounded me again. All the noises and colors became one inside me. I became one with it again.
A deep love atmosphere surrounded me again. Realized how beautiful was the world where I was standing, and suddenly the memories of all what was said and done was no longer sad and slowly fade away.
Appreciated the beauty of everything.
I thanked the Gods for being alive, and cried a bit.

like, it was a super solemn moment

Returned later to the Idols to drink some water and catched a friendly scent. Followed it to meet Bo, gave him nuzzles and we sat next to the water for resting. Calder joined me later when Bo was gone.

My feelings were in peace. Still there though, but no longer hurting me

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