Stress! Panic! And an alarming need to explain/excuse myself.

January 1, 2011 - 2:50pm — Chickenwhite

Fitting title is fitting.

My dad just asked me if I wanted to go with him and mom to the hospital where my granddad is laying sick.
I declined.
I immediately felt like the biggest prick ever.
Some explanation is in order.
My granddad is old, alone and has become senile. This is a rather large blow to me, because I'm pretty sure I was the only person in our family who actually sincerely liked the guy, but now he can't remember me or how he's related to me.
My dad says he might be dying.
So why didn't I want to go say my last goodbyes? Fuck if I know, but I'm weeping as I write this. The thing is, ever since he started forgetting things, I've been afraid to face him. I love him, but God knows I have issues with people who aren't mentally top-notch. I was afraid of getting hurt, as in terrified of it. Also, I want to remember him as the granddad I know and love, not a starved, old man in a hospital bed...
So, my question is, is it horrible of me to retract into my own, little, hard shell of emotional instability, or am I not that alone in the world?...

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January 1, 2011 - 2:59pm — Ravus

No. Things happen, and

No. Things happen, and sometimes you lose people before they're truly gone... there's no right or wrong in these situations and don't let anyone judge you for it. I think, in a way, it sounds like you already lost your grandpa back when he became ill, and you've probably already been in a sort of mourning... so your mental health is what you should focus on. In this situation, even though he may be dying, you should do what's best for you. Lots of people don't want to see loved ones like that.

January 1, 2011 - 2:59pm — Wotsits

&hearts

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January 2, 2011 - 1:56pm — Spyrre

No, I don´t think you´re a

No, I don´t think you´re a horrible person... that kind of situation is very painful no doubt... and if he really does not remember you at all it might be that it´s emotionally even harder for you. Of course I don´t know the real situation, but that´s what I think. It´s not "horrible" reaction, since it shows that you care and seeing him in such bad shape hurts, right? I´m so sorry for you, just try to think carefully what you want to do with this situation.

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January 1, 2011 - 4:54pm — 9

I faced something familiar

I faced something familiar earlier this week, actually. I heard a friend of me is going to the hospital, and since I live nearby, she wanted me to come visit her. I immediately thought that no way, just... no. I can't stand hospitals, and I seriously can't stand seeing people I know sick. I'm afraid the image will stick when I see her later. But I also felt like a prick for feeling that way. I mean, she's my friend, I should support her. And there's not many others who can come visit her since she lives a few hours away from the hospital she's going to. I happen to live fifteen minutes away from it.
I managed to calm myself down though, and I finally decided I'm going to go visit her when she's going there. Damn, she needs me, and if I can't stand things like that, I should do something about it.

Don't worry, you're not alone. I actually feel relieved myself that there's someone else who feel like this, too. So... thanks for making this blog? <3 :')

January 2, 2011 - 6:16pm — Chickenwhite

Thank you, everyone...

Thank you, everyone... Just... Thank you so much!... Your words really helped me a lot, more than anyone of you can probably imagine...
'cause I'm a terribly shy person, so I really don't like speaking to people about things that bother or touch me deeply, because I'm genuinely afraid of crying in front of them... I lost my emotional compass ages ago, so it really, REALLY helps to know I've got you guys to listen to me and help me...
*gives GIANT nuzzles to all of you!*

I love you all, I really do TwT

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January 2, 2011 - 11:05pm — Spyrre

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