my sides are delightfully long
stretching my face and limbs up to the white void of the sky
each of my ribs caressed by the air
my fingers running through the damp whisps of clouds
my tines tangling the damp whisps of clouds

grasshopper and beetle
blue-breasted bird
and all of you and your restless feet

in the cool and damp soil
I stretch deeper every moment
wider every moment
further every moment
I breathe into your mouths
and the hum of the earth runs through me
every moment

if I grow tall enough,
my halo
may
become
the
sun

A rumbling
seemed to stir

lodged deep
my roots quivered

a single ring inside my belly

bring to me
all the shifting creatures
restless transitioning breathing

as the ring
circles
endlessly

no eyes to see you
no ears to hear you
dim awareness
something tapping on the bark

the air
the warmth of the sun

slowly expanding,
breathing.

gracious
earth
wide
memory
here
little ants and crickets
butterflies and sparrows

Did all of you know?

Every tree knows.
We stand, naked and defenseless to all of you. You and the little birds.

Sometimes we hold you. Sometimes you ask us to move.
But we will not move for you.

We see each other. We all look alike. You are all so small.

At last, I am finally free.
















Didn't I have a face, once?

I don't mind being alone. It's quiet.

I don't mind not moving. It's easy.

Everything is flowing, going somewhere, being pushed by invisible hands. I don't mind being a rock in the stream.
With my eyes closed, everything is fine.
With my body laid here, I barely feel anything.
I don't mind.

Lacking the will to stand

I will hold down the earth here

and grow out of it

until I am
a haloed tree in the forest



gently uprooted

a little tail wagging in the reeds
a cold bath
your warm breath

a necklace
and a seashell
a bleached red god
and one who loves the water

things beyond the vision of a tree

Sandwiched between friends
just the faces I wanted to see
Stable's head is bare
and Many-face's nose is pink


hey, Impact?

...your friend hates me.
Hello, my little doe, so nice to see you.



Why does it affect me, to be hated?
like a stain

You're a good size, little doe. So nice to see you.

The more I look at you,
the harder it is to know
if blue is red,
has red always been blue?

I tangle myself in the claws and bleed
Is this red or blue?
Am I the red that is in the blue?
Who are you, behind that mask?
When you wear a human face...

I strip myself colorless.
Let me see you.

such fine, quiet little things I find lately
all glass and pulse
fluttering eyelids over wide, bright eyes
unconditional

I, a prank, and a spirited game of tag
I lure you, but you lure me
into being the same shape
a thing called friendship
goodbye friend

Hm.
He's not red,
but is all full of holes.
I use magic to erase them

no, still no
I don't know why anymore
but I don't want you near.
I am not scared anymore.
But I know I am afraid of you.
I don't remember anymore,
but I remember something.

A new red
we are frozen, but not by the cold
I face you, stare into you.
I will not harm you. But what can you do?
Break my body?
I am not afraid.
I am a wall.

The breath of her on my back.

Have I grown so big that I am a house?
Pile around
wrap up inside
stop knocking the wind out of me with your mischief!

surrounded and surrounding

except for you

no, don't come near me.


The day has passed, and you have shown me I was wrong.
the child brings you
but you were hurt by my fear, weren't you
and even when you wind into the nest of us
i can't take it back


and when my feet take me to his side
to bask in his gaze
to memorize his living forest smell
to stymie those who would hurt him

I know there are two little ones
colder without my heat

An intense memory from far away
Oh, how you are open to me.
I borrow your antlers. The largest antlers in the forest, still stretching up into the canopy. I follow close behind in your footsteps, close beside you step for step. Inside me, something is wriggling, dancing, laughing. We are the same size now, but you are still my big brother.

They hurt you?
Lean on me. Your movements, careful. But after time in the bird song and sunshine, we are comedians, and you chase me with strong legs.



... maybe we overdid it.
How long have I been smiling like this?

Surely my face will break... everyone has come, and all the light is laughing
Impact and Stable, shy White, Landing, Many-face. I dance outside and in.
We cross, insects and birds
flowing through the air.

A new sort of life begins,
close in step
close in body.
I breathe him in gladly.

I am really here
What do I do?

protect? diversion)( don'tinterfere! friend
?

my feet - going up or down?
It can't be ok for me to be here? It can't be?
I

I don't
know I

whirling
tripping
no I

he

fills all my vision
a sky of blackest blue
and he takes with him

two shades of night in a pool of sun

hello
warm earth

I am electricity

The space
between now and when we met
between the blades of grass
between the shadows of leaves
between footsteps
between breaths
between heartbeats


These little spaces
over a thousand years
bring me close enough to touch


and now my shoulder knows the feel of his
the memory of his scent revived

the only cost to come here
all those little spaces

here, the furthest point on a line being drawn.

Warm between two bodies,
I find myself the center of three stars
stationary as the universe turns around us
everything is being wrapped in love

an exquisite cocoon


On my back, there are stars
Above our heads, there are stars
On the earth, a star blooms from us.
In the sky, there are no stars.
There is no line between night and day
only sleeping
and not sleeping

With help
I shed weight from my head.
Yes, it is good.

A halo hangs, ornament, hidden behind feathers.
I cling to god.
Hold me, please hold me.
Even I don't know where I am.

Dancing lightly
We three birds, this time I am black
What are your names?

to be with others just means to go to them
but
when I step out, when I move
Their eyes are on me.
I can feel it burning between my shoulder blades.
red claws and wolves

and I am so afraid.


Timidly,
I give you love.
my hope it might someday be returned is dead.
I hope now, someday you will remember.
Once, long ago, I gave you love.
My heart stops
then pounds hard

but it is an old man who brings warmth back to it.
How can I love you when we have only just met?

hold you in my arms, tightly
Yes, this is where I like to be.

I am left with the red blessings of a god.

shy white, a black crow. I am gray.

I saw a flicker of the red in the blue. Or was the red blue all along?
Was the blue red?

It's just a trick of the eye,
not seeing correctly.
See how the world bends? It is too big.
just a mistake
insomnia

your color and shape always change
beside you, my eyes can finally close.

Ouch ouch ouch...
It stings... And it stinks, like metal and dirt

The wolf came with fangs for him, and I crashed into them, endlessly
You can't have him. You will take chunks of my hair, the taste of my blood.
You will leave with nothing of him.
Who are you, cradling me in the lake so gently? Was three-smile scared away in the fighting?
I'm sorry

tired
so tired

Three-smile, you're here... I pull up, up, wet, mud, and give you a kiss.
The water is good. Not so heavy this way. But
It stings...



Did I do well today?

Thank goodness... Thank goodness.
I was so confused.
But I knew that one wasn't you.
I was so confused.

The young ones mimic me when I am afraid. I cannot protect them to ease my own mind. I cannot poison them to others.
But when the children weren't there,
I ran
and Many-Face came to me
as I trembled like candle flame in whispered breath.

It frightened me to see you gone,
more than the red stag's antlers
more than the fog and entrails and the cries of unknown beasts
more than losing myself.

It's alright now. I'm here beside you and it's alright. It's alright.
Your body fades, but I know you are there, somewhere.

Oh, dearest Three-Smile... You come, and we fly like birds.

A meeting of the stags convenes over me. Flanks nearly touching. Red claws. It's too much.
Suddenly, everything is gone.
I must find him
wait for him
stay by him

That tickles!

I smiled so much my face is sore...
I love you, my friend.


In the dirt under water, I remembered something in my sleep. Someone I had met.
A little clutch follows me all the way home.
Just for now, each of you has become a member of
my family
haven't you?

It's a good, high place in the warm sunlight.
I rest my bones.

The red one hunts me. Is it such good sport?
I don't care anymore.
I stop hiding. But...
His presence makes my skin crawl. And when I step back, he steps forward.
When I run, he hunts me down. He brings a wolf to help him.
A stranger charges them. If they're trying to protect me, they'll only be hurt. I can run forever.
I place this body to take the hard, sharp cuts and the anger from both sides.
Stop it, stop it all of you. I don't want any of this.
Why would you want this?

The water stings.
Something pulls me from the mud. I know I must end this.

I run my cheek over the cold bone of his face and a shudder of revulsion snakes down my spine, into my feet.

Don't hurt anymore.

Being rejected gets me so blue.

I wake with one who loves the water,
and with Many-Face we form a triangle.

In the sodden dark, I long for the weight of the sun's heat.
An old one lends me the star over his head.

No one seems to understand me lately.
What's wrong?

Tonight, tired as the dead, I felt their presence come and go.
He appeared before me.
Fluttering anxious, in despair and adoration, and with no other thought,
My feet took me from Necklace to him.

Why?

A distant, fuzzy memory of a very simple desire.
A seed grown into tangled and sprawling branches pushing outward.

My heart beats hard.
For the first time, I am not left empty when he is gone. Something massive has taken the loneliness' place. I am the light of the sun.

Just
for a moment

you let me be your antlers while
you slept.

At first, it was unpleasant and frightening not to be myself.
But there is really nothing so special about being myself, or being anyone else, either.
Upon finding myself occupying my old self, all that exists is an alien familiarity, all the meaning removed.
All I feel is this:
It doesn't matter.





I go from my warm, high place to seek solitude. But solitude is in the shadow, is too low for me to look out and see the distance. In the new place I desire, one is already there.
We come to an understanding. Me, here. You, there. But when I sleep, I hear a footfall near me, feel the warmth not of the sun, but of a living thing; briefly, just for a moment.
Were you curious?

I stir. We meet. We part. You, there. Me, here.
Yet after a while, what is this craving in my heart to be near to you?

Why do I feel if I could only rest my head on your shoulder, this heavy, dark sea would flow out and leave me? You oblige me, and I sleep with hopes of draining and drying out completely.

Waking, I find you gone,
but another has come to rest in my embrace,
perhaps to drain. My heart is wrapped around them.

Many face?
It has been you who has kept the dreams away at night.

With skull-faced children and a creature so small it barely existed, I slept away the chill of morning. When you came, I embraced you gladly and we lay together in the lazy warmth of sunlight, deep in limbo.

I cannot remember ever being so rested.

And then,
And then, wily, springing with energy, I called you with my silent voice. You let me chase your tail, nibble your ears, rub my face on your back, and we danced with the delicately drifting lights, kicking up the dust and snorting with laughter at our foolish game.

I cannot remember ever having laughed so much.

I have seen one running through the forest who wears my face, my disguise. I follow him to see where he goes. My ghost.

I wake to a nightmare. How has the forest grown so dark? Colder than the snow, a wind blows through my body. Even my hot breath becomes the wind and the fog. Cries from some creature cut down my back. We run through the blackness, the shadow.
He looks more like me than I do.
What if I am the ghost?

He brings me to a place filled with decay. Spoiling meat. Insides spilling out. Everyone wears the red claws on their heads. They take up all of my vision. They move forward and I so badly want to move back.
I feel deeply sick.

Just who are you?
Your face changes from mine. Not even the candlelight can penetrate the darkness of the holes that are your eyes.
The blood, barely
drip
drip
dropping in thin rivulets
faded rivers, rust on white.

What does it mean?

When will this end?


A little one pulls me from my vigilance. I can't take my eyes from him, but this is no place for you... Come away. Come to the heart of the tree, where perhaps the flame and light can keep the sickness out.

I dreamt of white and mottled lines across the sky, crossing each other, as if the gods had written someone's name in the blue.

I woke today and realized my disguise is missing. That which names me is above me, so I am still me, aren't I?
Lately, I see others wearing my name.

What makes me myself?

For the first time, I let them change me however they please. I change and change. Who am I?
My face is the moon. My crown is that of a clown.

The leaves fall, the branches snap. Trees fall down. When we sleep, we disappear. Each time I feel it is I who reappears here, but is it the same me?

I wander with one who seems to understand. A moment of warmth and peace. But who were you?

I grow used to life as a dandelion puff. I have no voice and no expression. I do not have to worry about hiding my expression or using my voice. I am like a paper crane. I go from belly to belly, stealing warmth. No one notices.

Black feathers and sparkling eyes. I have seen you before, when I was much bigger and you were much smaller. Now you and I both must be wary of wayward feet. I recall stomping mine down on you, for no reason other than your smallness and your swiftness.

Your wings carry you through the rain, and your gliding silhouette is a beacon in the storm.

I awaken unexpectedly as a stag. Every move I make gives away my thoughts. My massive body is cumbersome and clumsy on my legs, so tall and long like stilts, thin and branchless trees.
Black and white. Insect antennae. I was small enough to fit in your ribcage yesterday.

I shelter sister from the rain. She daydreams.

I am drawn to a little forest of candles.
Velvet soft ears, dripping. Shaking off in a burst of cold droplets. Tiny bones, all limbs and ears, really.
How long has it been since I was a child?

You bravely follow me into the rain when I think I see him.
Another look alike.
You are so pitiful, huddling under this large body to stay dry. Come, under the outcrop, lay in wait and I will keep you warm.

Your heat remains when you have vanished. Mine stays behind to keep yours company.

In the old oak, it is dry. Its voice envelops me, the droning choir of the sun and moon. I doze.

It's you...
... a thought permeates.
Are you my body and I your heart, or are you my heart and I am the body?

Something about their manner bothers me.
My eyes are swollen, I cannot stay awake.
I press myself closer to you, as though it would push the others away, but as I suspected, I cannot rest like this.

Here, come here, where the sweet lavender grows and the petals are cool with dew. In the shade, with your warmth beside me, even their presence becomes as harmless as the drifting lights.


A long sleep later, I awake as a tuft of down, a tiny white fluff on the vast earth.
I hate it when they change me.
But maybe, just for now, this is alright.
Antlers like antennae. I follow. The world is too large for me to be alone in it.
I am small enough to hide. Small enough to nest where your leg meets your shoulder. Becoming one with your beating heart.

When you leave, I am a beating heart on the hard ground.

Do not miss me when I am absent, and do not notice me when I appear. Only let me be near you. If not as your antlers, then as your white shadow.

Oh... my friend. No, please do not see me here, like this. A shadow does not have warmth... I cannot embrace you like I long to. You would pull me from the ground, if it could be done, and give me my own breath. How can I show you that I desire to flatten out and disappear?
Your light is so great that for a moment, I remember that I am not a thin, dark shade. I am sorry. I know I can't fill this role, either.
And if I were a stag...?

His gaze is so cold.
I know.
I will haunt you no more.

My only wish is that you take the light into the dark holes of your eyes. Fill yourself with the warmth and the light. If I cannot be the shadow under your feet, I will not be the one cast on you, blocking you from the sun.

In sleep, I dream of a red ribbon winding from the front of me, out around the trees and the lake and the stones, around the blue stag, around my friends three-smile and candles and crying-face, around little sister and big brother, around my guides, around wicker and all the does and stags, around the gods, winding and wrapping and tangling. The ribbon wraps it all, and nothing is left but ribbon.

When I awake, I see him in the distance. A bone-face brashly heckles him and my hackles rise. His reaction is only retreat.
Without thought, I charge.
I rush the bone-face. Magic I did not know I had flies from my lowered tines. I tower over him, threaten him, and chase him from the hill.
When I turn back, the blue stag has gone.

My feet lead me good-naturedly to my dear friend. All the hurt and loneliness is gone like snow in sunlight.
The gods bring the rain, and we rejoice.

One day, I am found. Another day, I find my brother.
In sleep, I dreamt. Part of my eye fell out, and I could no longer open it. I despaired, and knew without being told, no one could fix it.


I met him today.
Unexpected boldness from us both. Closeness. For a moment I thought, "It's happening now, isn't it? Everything, everything will fall into place." My heart was a flickering chickadee.

And as soon as I thought it,
he evaporated.



I was left to trample the grass and dirt, to punish them for my dreams.

I run until my breath won't come anymore, but this forest envelops and overlaps on itself. There is no escape.

I practically run right on top of him, I am so blind. But this time will be wise-
I hide and watch.
who is that?

I will cross here to investigate the sleeper while he has gone to rest on the hill. Who are you??

I have gone barely a step when he
dissipates
from the hilltop like breath in the fog.

anger
frustrating
this... tightness in my chest
stomping and clenching my eyes shut
such tension
a killing arrow could be loosed from my heartstrings

The other is leaving...!
Don't go...!
I have to ask you, I have to know who you are. What is it about you? Why did he face you?
What makes you so special?

I approach in sternness and silence, to stare you down. A statue of a stag.

So...
how is it that I am charmed by you?
How is it that this knot inside of me is loosening?
How is it that you have made me smile, bashful as a fawn?
Maybe... just... a few dance steps...

You have somewhere to go, but... oh please can't I come with... I will stay behind like this, I won't get in your way... but...
When you notice, I dash, startled... Don't be upset!
you tilt your crying face to me, curiously
we stood peeking out at each other from behind the trees
and my terror, little by little, turned to a laugh.

You even, you let me lead you away from the red claws, away from them. You rested your head on my back and did not pull away when I pressed my neck to yours for a long time.
In sleep, I did not dream.
Your body cradling mine kept those dark visions away.

I feel a kinship with you, brother. It brings me happiness to be by your side. We witness a nativity. All is calm, all is bright.

I sense him like a shadow flickering past. I wander, seeking him. Are you...?
No. Not even similar.

The children are playing and I join them quietly, for I have learned there is peace in sunlight and company. One wears candles. One plays a prank on me.

I follow Candles away and realize we are going for a walk. You are young, but you are patient. Our footsteps are little. You teach me where to rest beside the cool stone of the bridge and my antlers make a little basket around you. I could carry you like this, maybe.
I am content.
But what's this?
Are we?

Yes, we are- It is time to play! You go ahead. I will be... no? You tangle me in your games?

Tag!



Hide and go...
Found you!


Here, let us try leapfrog...
no?

Why does it feel like I know you?
Your face upside-down from above. Please don't fall looking down at me like that.

If I could only keep you.
You rest your head on my chest, and I rest my chin on your head.

Twos and twos and twos, it seems the forest is littered with pairs
but I see you are alone
shall I lay with you a while?

Rolling on the cold ground, laughing
the light has turned to lacy flakes of ice.
Look around,
shake them from the back of your neck.
All of us huddle together and are warm

You are a funny one, little brother.
Don't go off on your own so quickly. Don't you want to play with the others?
Well, then.
Come with me and let's give thanks. First to the great tree. Then to the gods.
That's a good child.

Dark and solemn eyes play hide and seek from around a tree trunk.
Peeking around--
Laughter in the brittle air.

A dry limb snaps.
Our breath is little clouds.

Listen.

An oppressive noise with no source. Maybe it comes up from the roots, pulled from the ground. Maybe it is the bark? Perhaps this is the noise of the gods.
I cannot understand if there is any meaning.

Crows
and little birds
incessantly
chat
caw
squawk
whistle
flutter

Distant bellowing and hoof beats I carefully monitor.
Don't come near me and I won't bother you. I will stay here, away a bit, and not be a bother to anyone.

You two don't mind me?
The turf crunches underfoot as I
little-by-little
move
closer

Limbs creak.
A twig snaps.



I close my eyes.

The sound of rain.

I stood up to him,
sharp flashing hooves and heavy antlers
panting
Ignoring the roiling inside me at the sight of those red claws growing from his skull
Ignoring the fear

I hate the sight of him
I hate his smell

but the little girl couldn't run from him,
or maybe she didn't know to run from him

or perhaps the one who should have been running

was me.

A slow stroll... there is only the peace, the birds, the soft swaying of the golden-haired grass parting before my knees. Distantly, I can see others, but I do not go to them.
The world is alright here. I breathe deeply the sunlight.

The silence is flustered by the featherweight footsteps of my little sister who comes to me with a beaming face, and for a little while we glissade, leaping and dancing over each other like foolish swallows, her swift and dainty legs moving so quickly my eyes cannot follow, my own legs so fast I pitch and tumble in a clatter and rumble of dust and splayed hooves when she darts past my chest.

Let's roam a while, to unfamiliar strangers. Inspecting a sleeping stag, we wake a little girl child who looks at us distrustfully. Her hooves are blue. Another fawn escorting stag arrives and for a moment we are a three part set.

Sister will follow me anywhere. Anywhere.
Anywhere.

On a hill,
I know he is there.
I have known.
I went the other way, but...
I must go.
I tried to look to others, but...
I must look back.
When I approach, sister stays behind. I want to leave him sleeping, but...
I must continue.



what occurs is not something of words

but
when we were face to skull

I saw the dark holes of your eyes

endlessly empty

and the blood, barely
drip
drip
dropping in thin rivulets
faded rivers, rust on white

And when I took those few brave sniffs,
your scent was
old, dry wood
and copper
and dust.


I try.





Once I am
rejected,

I feel a strange calm.

Sister softly kisses my brow.

It has become so difficult to remember dreams. Only fuzzy colors and emotions remain when I awake.
Red. Pink. Black.

Lately I stumble.
I walk carefully.
Lately I am given hard looks.
I give hard looks.
This is my world now, isn't it.

My brother with no name. You surprised me. You accepted my company. We became friends, didn't we? Little by little, I opened my heart.
I opened my heart to you, and we played. I forget the timid does. I forget the old men. We are brothers, aren't we?

But... you left so suddenly...

I lay where the ground is warm from you and find comfort in another.
Far in the distance, the silhouettes of the little ones are leaping over themselves, tangled in themselves, laughing.

It feels good to run, to be taller than the grass, to know of the power in my chest and my head, to be able to leap so far I wonder if it is not flight.

But...
Isn't that...

She was the one he accepted. Isn't she? It's me, do you remember? I didn't look like this then, but...
I approach for closer examination, but a brawny buck eyes me suspiciously. Why does she run from me? Why does he challenge me?
I back away... there is no reason for a fight, and I am just...
so curious
While she is gone I make friendly with him. See how I am no threat to you?

But where did she go...?

I follow her to the hollow tree

my chest
tightens
fiercely

the red stag





perhaps he was dozing, and he didn't notice me? I move to circle around behind, to enter and steal a moment with her, but he is getting up! He is on his feet and I am running as fast as my big body will allow. I will lead him away and sneak in, but oh! She runs again from me and I am trapped... He looms in the opening and only terror drives me to leap past his dangerous form, my heart beating the insides of my chest as if to summon help from the outside world and escape, and by the time I realize I can look behind me to see if he is even there, I am so far away...
Yet he pursues me!

I fly!
the doe's hiding spot
such a short time ago I secured that fragile creature sanctuary and guarded her with my strength
but I have no time to lament the reversal of roles, I am trembling, I leap into the darkness and hold my breath

he doesn't see me

give up

please, give up



He knows!

It becomes a blur
of escape
and pursuit

I lose him and find her for a moment, but the first buck is there again to reproach me. Do you not understand? I am the same as before, I am a fa... I am not a threat! Is this the world of adults I am joining?
I barely have time to confirm, it is certainly her, before the stag is upon me again.
I retreat and hide and he finds me. I cower and wish there were some place he would not find me.
I wish I could become a tiny bird and hide someplace dark and far away.

These limbs of mine are long and heavy and the crown I wear is an unfamiliar weight. My balance is tricky.
One step at a time.

Never before have I seen so many playmates, but they are all a size too small. Am I intimidating from your point of view?
Don't crowd me. You want to fight? OK.
Where were you when we were the same size, little crowd?

Sister brings me a tiny doe.
No concern of mine.
But who is this chasing you? Why does he laugh?
His smell sticks in my nose like rotting fruit. Don't worry. I will stand between him and you. As long as it takes. I have the power now, in this heavy body. He does not fight.
I leave him. His sight is somehow distasteful.

I go to where she has hidden, out of sight among rubble. He cannot find her. I know she is there. After careful inspection, I stumble across her little frame.
Don't worry.
I will keep your hiding place a secret.
Now I am armed with their weapons. I'm not afraid.

She is safe.

I return to my cloud of short clowns.

I see myself
but it is not myself
my body is massive
my face long and worn
I am
outside of myself

Is that it?
I have changed?
The me I know is gone?
Who is this me now?



I wake up to my own familiar legs
thin as the stems of the poppies
trembling little body
and I feel only
great

relief.


Three others
fast runners
we play
darting through the trees
but in my stomach
did I swallow the pit of some large fruit?

an uncomfortable feeling

Thirteenth day

I dreamt of long hair dangling just past my nose
slightly swaying

I am always in good spirits around you, little sister
even without your name, I know it is you

Let's follow these old men
what are they doing?

You look odd with bushy white eyebrows
I look more even more strange
but that mask suits you

say sister
when we are grown,
will we still be friends?

twelfth day

why is it
even surrounded by many faces

i feel so alone

i rest my weight on the old trees
smooth
hard

gentle rhythm
like breathing
leaves washing each other high above

... brother?
i do not know how to feel

i will rest my weight on you
soft
warm
and feel our heartbeats

the antlers above your head
and above mine
are like the limbs and branches of the trees

as though the whole world is growing from you

eleventh day

I found repulsive red antlers on a fawn

my little sister wearing darling red flowers

a gossamer blue doe smaller than I

a deer on a hill
who spun round and round

and a deer in a bowl
who didn't move at all

tenth day

i dreamt i was split into seven pieces
and I had to be pressed back together

Today I will be mighty
I will copy my older brothers

You, girl, follow me
but I will not follow you
not really
maybe just a bit
but I am in charge here!

i boldly approach everything
and she cowers behind
it's alright, today I am fearless. What will you do if I challenge you, skullface?!

New companions
and play near the river
I am a remorseless trickster of masks and antlers

Is it me, or do we three
look like a family...?

we lost little sister somewhere along the way.

wander, carefree; Big brother, I am equal to you and you to me
And then

him again
can't be
I approach so cautiously, seeking his scent, my heart still emboldened

... impostor.
Who needs you anyway.
Shall we wander aga




him

the real one

my boldness is extinguished as I watch them entangled in combat
tremendous echoes, clamor of bone striking bone
i tremble
dissolved
behind my brother

i must stay away from this fighting, i do not belong here... i mustn't get in the way...
is it over?

His opponent moves to follow but he has turned away. He wants to leave? The fight is over?
What do you think you're doing? Stay away from him! Stay away from him!!
My legs hijack me and I am rushing the red stag, blood pounding in my ears. I roar, I strike, I bristle!
Stay away from him! Leave! Leave here now!
he steps back and I rush, I snort, I stomp and push his matted body with all my might. I will chase you from this place so you never return!

is he watching...?
Does he see I throw my body away for him?
I dare not take my eyes from this hart who towers above my head, his fanning, thorny antlers blocking the sky like the boughs of trees, whose hot breath smells like a raven's, whose huge body could snap my thin limbs like reeds beside the lake

i hear from behind me
his hollow laughter

shocked
i see more clearly
his opponent too
looks at me only in bewilderment






ashamed
burning
with
realization
hot tears
I find my brother standing over me, facing the red stag for me
his body hides my tears
I tried, brother, I tried...


I leave with him, my footsteps as close to his as I am able to make them
If only we could be one creature
behind us I see the two bulls together
my face and deep in my chest
burn




after brother has gone to sleep, i sneak back to the hill where he waits
That's it. Today I will approach. I will know if I am accepted or rejected!



.... i can't

i lay down opposite him
far apart
and sleep alone


when i awake brother is there
and my face has dried
he crosses the hill
and i see

him


i may hide behind brother today
making myself small
i may not be able to face you

but you'll see
i will be so big and strong
so big and so strong
you won't laugh when i shield you.

ninth day

are they your friends?

you... didn't retreat from her.
Is she yours...?

Is this the world of adults?

You accepted another, too

but rejected one

if i dared come close
which would I be?


Who are you?
dainty footsteps
a crying face
you join me
and I am bathed in acceptance

I can't leave here or he will never take me in
but don't go

I am so happy you are here
i will dust you with kisses to show my gratitude


oh...

I forgot to follow him...!!

but

I am happy here with you...


so tired
from all that running after him

so tired that
my eyes must be lying

i saw
a ghost

eighth day
your precious face
It is becoming familiar

What is this warmth? This fluttering in my chest?
a heady sort of feeling, a glow of butterfly light

silent, you don't respond
but you wait for me
and
i follow

sun soaked grass
lilies on the water
rocks wooly with green moss


closeness

two soft noses
brushing
breathing your air

i follow

i know you now
the curve of your back
your smooth cheek
eyelashes
the red poppies i set above your ears
i know everything about you but your name

and when you disappeared
the butterflies
dissolved
around my feet

------------

my sodden heart receives a jolt

a stern and familiar profile of bone
it is him!
I want to rush beside him
but i remember
he taught me and i learned

i stay back
i cower
he sees me and knows
i will not disturb him

he stays
and so do i

i stare at the tiny new shoots of grass between my feet
perhaps if it rained, they would grow.

seventh day

I dreamt I was buried underground
I couldn't move

All of these faces today seem wrong
I don't want to see you
No
I don't want to see anyone

I will lay here below the bridge
with the frogs
I will sleep alone
here where it is damp

it is best alone

sniffles

the sun-mottled banks of the river

I tiptoe beside the lone stranger while he rests
the grass smells cool
I lie in it and listen to his breathing

I wake a long time after.
He is gone

but the ground is still warm where he'd lain

... were you lonely too?

fifth day
i dreamt i couldn't run

i woke alone

i will run and jump from rock to rock until my legs are as sturdy as the others'
i stumble
i miss and fall

no one is around to see...


my knees are sore



sixth day
look! Look at him!
When I get big, will I be like him?
Today, I will follow him and learn how to be like him

a sweet face, a laurel of red flowers
are you a boy?
you can follow too
but don't get left behind
follow him well, like I am doing, see?
listen when he listens


oh

big brother...
don't leave me behind

i musn't cry

i have to find him on my own...

where?

Where??

underwater?!
Big brother!!

you change appearances, but I know your scent.
i will never lose y-
You're a frog!?

you dance on my feet
and i dance on you

maybe when I am big, I can change too?

first day
Approaching timidly
what lurks here?


second day
an old blue bull
i approach but he retreats
can't i lay here next to you?

i sleep alone by the tree


third day
my good friend, we played dress-up with pinecones and lavender
we knew where to run
we performed for the vast forest
i drank and became a raven, and you a rabbit
white and black
i want to stay together

i saw you leave hesitantly
you looked back
but i was already asleep

did i hear you cry for me?


fourth day
There is nothing to fear...
Let's dance!

dance...!


dance...

... yawn

sleeping

blink away the blur
who is this in front of me?
we're running and playing
my legs tangle
like reeds in the wind
but we run so fast.
oh
another friend
and another
I'll follow you
sniffing faces delicately
may I have a kiss?

the grass is soft underfoot and i am tumbling

too many faces...
another?
so sleepy