The fear has gripped me - Personal Blog - but here I go

LooksForDoves's picture
Warning for language, tired uni rants and sudden hiatuses. Hiati?
Lyrics @ Breezeblocks - Alt-J

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Updates:

19.10.2018.

yeehaw




-tef muse is trickling in mostly in ten-word plot bunnies for all my chars at once so yeP listing here so i don't forget

- Anghar will be getting a friend to share a bio and tumblr with :eyes: nyooming around my headworld atm on Adventures and Bad Life Choices with Chal
- Nanna needs her own bio finally even though she never walked the woods yet. strong mom stressed mom huge ball of furrr
- both need their own pictos now that i think about it
- Doves is losing physicality and getting so very close to becoming a ghost - interesting updates await in the next thrilling episode B)
- Vega's being her own pissy annoying self and tormenting her flight instructor for the license. soon she'll be airborne and lord help you all
- Cat's living mostly in his backstory being a decadent ass soothed somewhat by feels. for a slut he sure loves his wife a lot
- Val my song my sun the peachy joy of my life, check with chi & co if plant energy can reverse polarities and be pumped in? at the expense of his own energy?? to the point of bLAZIN'??


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Doves, Rain, Queenfisher
22
female
Taurus, INFP-T
cluelessexual (bi flavoured with ace toppings)
Croatia
English & Swedish student
cat mom, language nerd, book afficionado, artist and occasional writer, slave to fickle muse and demanding uni schedule

In no particular order, I like to read Joe Abercrombie, Margaret Atwood, Angela Carter, Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Maggie Stiefvater, Guy Gavriel Kay, Jeanette Winterson, and others.

Currently fascinated by Lost Dog Street Band, Gregory Alan Isakov, Glass Animals, Alt-J, Cigarettes After Sex, anything and everything 80s.


personal Tumblr x Flight Rising x dA (old) x Toyhou.se x Doodlebox (old)

Discord: Rain#0499
Skype: raincl0uds obsolete
email: ask me




The Squad:

Looks-for-Doves - Tumblr - Toyhou.se - first and dearest child, gently loved
Honeybird, Snowborne, Ivory Talisman
exploration of innocence, doomed naivete, pessimism and hopefulness in one small package. Sweet Honeybird, full of love and always looking for someone to bestow it upon. Frumpy purity of the ignorant paired with the sporadic, reckless bravery of the truly inquisitive. Small wisdoms of the gentle, cautious hope for the best while harbouring fear for her life, forever aware of her mortality and the thinness of her skin. Madness from insecurity, being late to discover that agency is an option; the pendulum of identity swinging from what should be and what is. Devotedness and rites of trance, vision, self-sacrifice; unshakeable faith of the peaceful zealot whom the angels actually address. Inhabited by small magics she cannot direct, vessel and conduit for the divine she herself cannot access. Soft uselesness of trinkets and memorabilia, personality used to being put to the side, kindness without release showered on anyone and anything in compensation. Lethal loneliness.

Mr.Cat/de Ilda - Tumblr - Toyhou.se - sass and arrogance, vent and adoration
Darkwater Mirror, Clawed Narcissus, Scintilant Eye
conduit for my academic self-administered pressures, study of vanity and the struggle of indulgence and moral codes. Chaser of absolutes, of the high of overachieving, of the knowledge he's done the best. Hoards resources for later but just because the path to triumph is indirect it doesn't mean it's any less ruthless. Opportunist hedonist, prefers to indulge but capable of dropping it all in the thrall of a project. Rules of honour manufactured in the lack of natural ones, putting faith in one's own capabilities and little else. Doing the hard thing out of hubris if not duty, principle or spite, prone to dashing himself against a challenge until one or the other breaks. Justified self-absorption, knowing and fiercely defending one's worth yet always fearing it will be proved a lie. Committed to himself, fickle with affection but once it happens it is absolute... until it isn't. Gentleman impostor, face for every occasion, lazy to reveal himself and finds that lying requires less effort. Hypocrisy, willingness to criticise yet violently opposed to being criticised himself. Unhealthy perfectionist, obsessive and addictive personality. Craves adoration and perfection.

Vega - Tumblr - Toyhou.se - bad day girl, conduit for restlessness
Hollow Moon, Brittle Star, Spotted Lion
anger, forcedly contained spite, fierceness and loyalty in a world bent on taking everything away. A firm fist in the eye of expectations, seeks to be her own architect even when in need of guidance. Fundamentally craving stability, but fears it at the same time - whatever you achieve can be taken away, and if you stay in the same spot for too long you become a visible target. Craves closeness but pushes away too with reckless actions, unspeakably terrified by the unknowable future. Endandering oneself just to see what happens, to prove a point. Ascetic with her connections, self-sufficiency brought to an extreme, stalwart in the face of everyday suffering. Self as an infliction on others. Hatred of surprises delivered by others, quick and agressive response to provocation. Rage, rage against the dying of light.

Valentin - Tumblr - Toyhou.se - unformed boy, a warm contradiction
Sugarbones, Rosytoes, Sunchaser, Aureate
still-forming sapling, one of a pack, peach-soft with a sharp pit. Protector, loudmouth, preener and loyalist. Loves quickly and passionately, doesn't care much for sense if he feels something is right. Why not rather than why, easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Stubborn but mellow, doesn't want to hurt but cannot bear to hide who he is. Sensitive of his own freedom, yet would throw himself in danger for his family. A brother first, himself second.


Chalice - representation/OOC - normally a dark-haired, white-pelted, golden-hooved doe in a red cloak, currently pale cow with curved horns, sometimes barred owl, design and art by Awentia
Runaway Dream, Harpy, Ambassador, Diplomat
idealization, imagination, what could be if only it could be slowly poisoned by reality. Shapeshifter in an imaginary world where myths and legends are everyday, native inhabitant of my inner desert. Keeper of plots, though not a catalyst. Infinitely adaptable and physically changeable, devoted to actual resolution of problems. Trader of trinkets and stories, affectionate, patient, drily humorous. Calm observer of the extraordinary playground, ease of confidence and knowing where you belong. Safe haven, comfort, beginnings of a home.
IvyChain's picture

The ninjas are coming, watch


The ninjas are coming, watch out!
SapphireSkye's picture

I'm one of those.

I'm one of those.
Avatar by Mary13!
Mary13's picture

WOO WUT IS THIS. *gets

WOO WUT IS THIS.

*gets sucked into the void*
Avatar by me& signature courtesy by velveteensoldier <3
SapphireSkye's picture

NOO. MARY! *gets sucked into

NOO. MARY!
*gets sucked into the void too*
Avatar by Mary13!
LooksForDoves's picture

Come out, come out, wherever


Come out, come out, wherever you are! *mumbles* Trampling all over my celestially abstract lawn....


hiiiiiiguys:D

i'mstillwaitingforthatemailivy

IvyChain's picture

Omg I totally forgot, I'll do

Omg I totally forgot, I'll do it right away.
Mary13's picture

IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU

IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU GUYS

BUT THIS VOID HAS BECOME THE END OF ME.

WE WILL MEET IN THE AFTERLIFE

:'DD

*sucked in deeper*
Avatar by me& signature courtesy by velveteensoldier <3
SapphireSkye's picture

I'm coming too Mary

I'm coming too Mary
Avatar by Mary13!
LooksForDoves's picture

NOBODY'S COMING INTO THE

NOBODY'S COMING INTO THE VOID. >:/
Who do you think is gonna have to clean the goop after you've had your fun, huh? Santa Claus? The Tooth Fairy? The answer is NO!

Chris is on a conference in Orion's belt and she's busy getting a tan in Acapulco.

nononoit'snorushhun!Laughing out loud

IvyChain's picture

Is this a new character I see

Is this a new character I see
LooksForDoves's picture

Mmmmmmaaaaaaaaaybe. :3 nope

Mmmmmmaaaaaaaaaybe. :3

nope xD

IvyChain's picture

oooo

oooo
LooksForDoves's picture

hee hee

hee hee

LooksForDoves's picture

-

-

Mary13's picture

*I can see you*

*I can see you*

Avatar by me& signature courtesy by velveteensoldier <3
SapphireSkye's picture

Mmmmmm yes.

Mmmmmm yes.
Avatar by Mary13!
LooksForDoves's picture

Mary: Is that... David

Mary: Is that... David Tennant? Oh my. *preens*

SapphireSkye: Eye

IvyChain's picture

Aahh you made her into an OCC

Aahh you made her into an OCC <3 Love it

"RAW DEVILFRUIT." LOL. I

"RAW DEVILFRUIT." LOL.

I can't stand tomatoes either. xD!
LooksForDoves's picture

Ivy: Couldn't resist! :DD

Ivy: Couldn't resist! :DD Thankies! <3

NikaGika: *highfives* YES! Those things are evil. T_T

Chromai's picture

Hej

SapphireSkye's picture

Tomatoes are the worst

Tomatoes are the worst things. Bleh. I'm glad there are others that share my hate for them.
Avatar by Mary13!
SapphireSkye's picture

Aaah. Sorry, Doves. Didn't

Aaah. Sorry, Doves. Didn't realize this is what you meant.
I did an italics code for Cholena's thoughts at the end, it seemed to make everything italicized. I simply removed the italics code.
Avatar by Mary13!
LooksForDoves's picture

Lol no problem Sapphire, 'OOC

Lol no problem Sapphire, 'OOC thingy' is pretty vague in retrospect xD Thank you for fixing the issue, I had no idea things could 'spill over' like that.

Chromai's picture

What's this.... Ninjas?

What's this....
Ninjas? Voids?
I AM THE GINGER NINJA*
BEWARE!

*I also go by the Shadow, Foxy and Sonar.
Pretend I never typed this please.
LooksForDoves's picture

DA PIE IZ IN DA HOUZE!

DA PIE IZ IN DA HOUZE! <3

No, GINGER NINJA SONAR SHADOU-KITSUNE CHAN. This post will haunt you 'til the end of your days! Be afraid! *maniacal laughter* coughocoughcoughhrrrk akehm MWAHahaha >Laughing out loud

Chromai's picture

*stalks obsessively*

*stalks obsessively*
Chromai's picture

*stalks more* duuuude, I saw

*stalks more*
duuuude, I saw you there. We had a nice little dance in the forest <3 I logged out from Nacci to Chromai and ran as soon as I saw yer picto. You better feel special.
LooksForDoves's picture

Duuuude! Hai! It was awesome

Duuuude! Hai! Laughing out loud It was awesome to meet you there and yes, I did put my special snowflake suit on and it feels marvellous <3 I'm sorry I didn't recognize you, I was testing the whole playing without pictos approach. Hope to catch you again for more fun!

IvyChain's picture

Happy one year Dovey

Happy one year Dovey ♥!
LooksForDoves's picture

Thank you Ivychan!

Thank you Ivychan! <3

Chromai's picture

HEY HAPPY BIRFDER I need to

HEY
HAPPY BIRFDER

I need to do some birthday art when I get my new Copics!
Chromai's picture

Lel double post, my phone

Lel double post, my phone loves you too much <3
Flyleaf's picture

Hey , happy first tefyear and

Hey , happy first tefyear and many more to come Smiling
Merry christmas days to you too Smiling
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
LooksForDoves's picture

hahahah HAI YOU!

hahahah HAI YOU! <3

Thank you so much hon! You needn't get me anything, for reals, but I'm sure as heck looking forward to seeing what sort of magic you'll work once your Copics arrive. Laughing out loud You, on the other hand, have been due arts for a while now, hmmwahahaha...

E: Fly, you darling ninja <3 Thank you very much, and happy holidays to you too!

Chromai's picture

I'M due art? Seriously,

I'M due art? Seriously, there's a lot of art I've done that you haven't seen XD I just never get the chance to scan it in. Ooh yesh, I have magic Copics ^^ but I think I did a decent job of Nacci today.

Oh hey there Fly! Smiling

Hana hun check ur mailz ; )
LooksForDoves's picture

Yes, YOU! I know the

Yes, YOU! Laughing out loud I know the feeling, I've piles of arts lying about that I'm trying not to subject to my phone's camera, but there's never time to send them out for scanning. I buckle every time. :/ Nacho is looking adorable and a bit confused, he has a very young face. Those cheeks look super pinchable. <3

Oh myyyy C:

Chromai's picture

Duw, thanks for thinking of

Duw, thanks for thinking of me! I'll be sure to keep thinking of you and the rest of TEF this holiday. Yesh, his face is super squishy and young <3 he came out much better than I was expecting! I can't really do -older- faces, it just never looks right to me.
Chromai's picture

(No subject)

LooksForDoves's picture

(No subject)


Chromai's picture

My goodness, dear, you're in

My goodness, dear, you're in quite the rut... I was in a position like this before and sometimes it returns. I remember giving up on even my writing, which is pretty much the only thing that keeps me going. I think it's not really something that can be cured - like writer's block. It's a horrible thing, but I had to wait for it to pass. Don't overexert yourself. I found forcing myself to do things made it worse.

Wishing you all the best <3
LooksForDoves's picture

Ah, sorry to hear you had a

Ah, sorry to hear you had a slice of that particular pie too. Yes, writing has been very difficult for me as well, I hope it will come back as it's a part of my life I genuinely miss. I'll try not to force it and have patience, until then it's survival as usual.

Thank you for your words hon, hope you've been well <3

(okay, prepare yourself

(okay, prepare yourself because this is the kind of advice I give myself..)

School, especially uni work, is tough. Taking frequent breaks can help fuel a shortening attention span along. For example, when I was struggling with a particular study subject or homework problems, I'd take a 2 or 3 minute break every 15 minutes to watch a very short, funny video. Some small reward like that may help.

Your interests can be heavily influenced by stress levels, and it seems like (at least for me) battling to reclaim said interests isn't fruitful. It's exhausting to begin with, and forcing yourself to, say, rp, won't produce the same result if you just had the most wonderful cup of tea and were listening to amazing music while typing out your reply. Also if you knew your rp partner was forcing themselves to reply, wouldn't you feel bad?
ANYWAYS I don't know where I'm going with this except that I think it's very important to not feel like you're letting people down or that you're going crazy because you're currently unable to enjoy the same things you did before. When you find something you like, make sure to allow yourself to enjoy it completely.
Jayternator's picture

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Awentia's picture

Happy Birthday. &hearts;

Happy Birthday. ♥
Discord: Tzvii#9954 // Signature by Wake.
LooksForDoves's picture

*shRIEK* THANK YOU OMG it's

*shRIEK* THANK YOU OMG it's so nice and floofy and golden ;_; <3

Chromai's picture

(No subject)

<3 happy birthday omg i missed it kinda???
Sadly I don't have anything for you as of yet but. I might be able to do something maybe. Yes. We shall see :3c
LooksForDoves's picture

@Fishy Oh my GOD thank you

@Fishy Oh my GOD thank you for the best musical sock puppet experience ever! <3

@Chrompom AAAA thank you bab! <3 It, uh, snuck up on me too tbh xD o hohuehue you say the nicest things but pls dw aboot it, just being remembered is rad enough <33

insert eyes emoji

insert eyes emoji