5:36 AM

Staggering to the hallway. Wooden slats creaking in protest as cold feet dragged him stiffly to its end. The overhead light bulb flickers on, washing over the living room area with a hazy yellow. Hands clutched to his sides in an effort to unsuccessfully suppress the crippling pain. Swimming through his conscious, devoid of much else, was the affirmation that this was the most painful experience he could clearly remember. The drywall had to hold him up now, as standing there alone was too much to ask. Skin hot to the touch and head searing with a fiery ache, a pair of shadowed eyes searched franticly for relief. There, against the far wall.

Movement was torture but in time, a warm hand grasped the iron lock and freed the window from its old, chipped frame. Frigid air swept in as morning dragged itself across the sky, and the traces of yesterday’s snowfall continued to float down in fleeting white specks. That rush of air felt like nothing less than a gift from the angled peaks of the soulless, gray city as it lay fixed in static points that broke the deep blue expanse. Eyes closed, he stood motionless in front of the gaping window as the icy wind whipped across his bare chest.

5:54 AM

Vision now blurry, the soft monotony of running water drowned out the imaginary pitch screaming in his head. Standing doubled over the aluminum kitchen sink, arms tightly wrapped across his stomach, he stared down lifelessly at the drain as it gathered the wasted water. Even the New York December chill that brushed across his shoulders still wasn’t enough to calm the feverish heat invading the core of his body. He coughed, covering it with a fist and quickly averted the sight after glancing down at the spatter of red on his fingers. The water took it away.

Weary eyes shut once more to block out the tangible images of a fading life and its misery, and his neck weakened as a dull, warm blade of pain burned through his skull. The faucet’s cool metal was a brief release from the smoldering ache, touching his forehead as it came to rest upon it. A grimace crossed his face, teeth locked tightly together, as a surge of nausea swept through his stomach and in its wake incited another stab of pain. It warned of an impending escape, one he desperately wished to avoid. Sweat glistened across his back and in his hands there was an uncontrollable tremor. It took all he could gather to stand there, leaning over the sink and waiting for the inevitable.

6:13 AM

One life is all you get. All you get. And from day one, he had been shredding it piece by piece. Distancing the ones who meant something- distancing everyone. Wasting each day like pocket change, snuffing out each relationship like every smoldering white soldier of death under his boots. Singlehandedly destroyed his family, turned against his friends; pushed them away. The one who held everything together for so long, the only beacon of light in a densely shadowed world, he had pushed her away too. Can’t even be trusted with his own blood; she’s in the arms of a stranger.

The contents of his stomach came up, leaving him to choke back the raw sensation left in his throat. Again and yet again, each withdrawal inducing an aching stab to the area where his arms were still tightly folded across. Coppery bitterness lingered on his tongue. Constant streaming water washed away the collecting pools stained deep red; drowned out the retching.
Thoughts lingered back through the silent rooms, tracing his unsteady path back down the hallway. She hadn’t heard him. That agonized mind indulged in the dream of returning to the comfortably dark room, climbing into his place in the bed next to her and softly murmuring how much he loved her before welcoming a few anticipated hours of sleep. Maybe she would wake, her tired eyes flutter open and maybe she would ask if everything was alright. With confidence, he would tell her he was fine, brush away the wayward locks of hair fallen over her cheek, and wait until she eased back into comfortable dreams. For this, he was ready to give anything.