September 19, 2011 - 1:51pm — Seed
It's over. It's over. She's gone to find better things. A better stag. I knew from the moment I met her, you know...I warned her... That I wouldn't be good enough. Sooner or later, she'd see that.
I thought I'd be more prepared, knowing that.
...I hope she'll be happy. I hope she'll find a better stag than me, who'll love her stronger and purer and better. I hope she and him will raise a lot of fawns together, the way she wants.
The way she wants more than me. Really, it makes perfect sense. I didn't deserve her. This is just the world falling to balance. Like... Like... I'm sorry. I can't come up with a simile today. I'll try harder.
I don't recall right now exactly what I did then, when all the choices were made. I think I ran for a while, beating my hooves out against the ground like the pouring of rain, my world so hot with loss that I'd have welcomed real rain. Or maybe I broke something, smashing up stones in my hooves, more and more until my breath couldn't take it, thundering the rocks breaking like hearts or crumbled cheese. Certainly, something was broken... And when I came to myself, head pressed against the cool stone bridge, my hooves were hot and sore.
Then someone came and worriedly gave a bow, and when I sat back down (I cannot refuse a greeting from someone who greets me, no matter my mood. No one should waste their time on my feelings.), she sat down with me. I sat by the birdge with that mini doe, until she had to leave.
Then it was all restlessness, trying to find a place where I could be alone. After all, there are people in this world -- I think -- foolish enough to have good opinion of me. And because, in the end, my heart doesn't matter. That's clear enough, isn't it?
I tried sitting underwater and in flower patches, and both times, I let myself to thing... That if I just sat there long enough, if I didn't move for long enough.... That eventually the flowers or the algea would cover me up, would eat me away entirely. They'd worm their roots up through my nostrils and raise little blossoms on the inside of my skull, and no one would even know I had ever been there. There'd be just a lovely mass of plants, maybe covering -- they'd think -- a strange rock, a fallen branch...Nothing important. I'd go home, and I'd never trouble anyone again. No one would ever be sad of me ever again.
And I wouldn't have to miss her already, and I could stop loving her, too.
But that's not liable to work terribly well.
Once, when I was trying to find a place to be, someone cast flowers on me. I believe that is what happened -- I never saw who cast them, and no one was near enough to me to cast them. Perhaps it was the flowers themselves. I'd have stayed there, but it was too close. I couldn't...
Why would flowers give me anything, anyway? I just tear them up like some grim trophy, destroying them and admiring their loveliness while I do.
I found a spot to mostly settle. Sitting in that place, I thought some things that... I'd rather not repeat. I've never been so angry at myself, or anyone at all. I don't like it. I won't repeat them here, even to myself. I know I'm a wretch -- but at least I can keep my head a little.
Eventually, the magpie Soroka sat with me for a while, watching me out of bright eyes. For her sake, I tried to stop the flow of tears. I'll have to pay her back for all that wasted time when I'm in better shape. And even Rutilius came and saw me, surprising me with his care.
And for a while in the later afternoon, a fairly reticent deer, Dinah Moon, came and watched me sit, and I gave my greetings with the expectation she'd leave, but instead, after pleasentries and sitting a distance away, she drew closer instead. She was good company, even finding me another quiet place to sit after some deer, likely looking just for fun, did not understand that I did not want him roaring and rearing at me, but I was too worn out to do much but shake my head at him. She quietly walked away, making sure I followed, and picked another flower patch to sit at.
I can't look at the sky. This time of year, when it's clean and bright, high blue and cloudless, when the sunlight sparkles down through it like crystal rain... I can't see it without thinking of her smiling eyes. Keep your head down, Seed, keep it down...
And, after another occaison of slumber, I saw Dag and Ravynn on a hill. I... At first, I didn't want the pair to see me in such a state... But then.... It occured to me that Dag was the only friend, beside Rutilus, I had seen all day... And that... I know he is already lost to me... I know I do not -- have never -- deserved to keep a good friend like him... But I want to. So I go, and sit beside him, and lean into his wonderfully fluffy neck. I close my eyes, and do my best not to ruin his day by letting him know what I'm feeling. I do my best not to think, until at the end of this long day at last, I fall asleep.
And to all these people, I say 'thank you.' I think, if I was alone...I think my regrets would eat me alive, like the flowers or the algea. I'm sure I'll be able to not trouble them by appearing to be alright later. I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Just fine....
Be fine already! They just...They just want you to shut up...
...You're no good to anyone...
You didn't even deserve her to begin with....
This brought tears to my
I can't put into words how sorry I am for Nev making him feel this way. I really, really, really hope he will find the strenght to smile again, to play with his friends. He's still very much loved. ♥ ;___;
Gah... This is very sad. Well
@Rouda: I'm not sure I've
@ Saosin: Thanks. It's kinda tough for me to write this sort of thing, but I think the extra passion really produces a better result.
I've never really interacted
Aw... poor Seed. I didn't
Oh, man. I have a lump in my
@ Raindrops: Thank you. And
@Iaurganire: I kind of hinted something had gotten him down last night, but I assumed you knew (I mentioned it in my updates, I'm pretty sure) or didn't care, since you didn't ask for any further details. I guess I should have said so more directly.
@Dannii: I know. I honestly spent 90% of the writing of this in sympathetic tears. The remaining 10% I devoted to finding Seed's theatrics a little melodramatic, but I think at least this time, he probably deserves the chance to be melodramatic without me picking on him about it.