July 15, 2018

STILL LOST.
She cri, I cri

August 29, 2017

Has been absent from the forest for what very well be years now, has managed to get herself lost in a number of worlds and has lost track of even the slightest idea were the forest is. Sense of direction has only gotten worse over time, frequently finds herself turned around or in the midst of caves and other such places. Has to rely on pre-existing portals to get where she's going - something that's had many mixed results. Fallen off cliffs, crash landed into oceans and traversed deserts. Searching any forest she comes across but none have lead her back.

Nightcatcher, Reate's child has been her ever present companion through all this - something that weirds her out more than anything else. Not used to having someone around every second of the day, dogging her hoofsteps. But he has not complained and despite her silence over the matter she is glad to have him around. Sneaks off sometimes to be alone but always comes back, no need for him to get more lost then they already are. Still not sure what to think about it but...in ways...it almost feels like some part of Reate is with her.

Wonders sometimes about those she left.

April 26, 2016

Mostly been taking it easy these days, slowly adjusting to being in the forest again. Stays on the sidelines for the most part and only really ventures into the forest when it's almost empty. Has met a few others, one hatchling and a buck that's freshly placed in the forest. Not exactly ready to seek out any familiar ties. Will probably look for them once her adjustment period ends.

December 27, 2015

Awoke from a coma-like state today, severely disoriented. It seems that the three day sleep has not benefited her in any way, in fact she's worse off then when she went to sleep. Became ill sometime during her sleep, head and heart pounding hard, feels like she swallowed a hot coal - having trouble swallowing. Body feels too hot for the surrounding winter weather. Shaking and dizzy, doesn't quite remeber where she is and so has no idea were to go. Obviously quite sick, something that's extremely rare for the God and that means it's cause for concern. Lots of pressure around her eyes and forehead, she's also dehydrated from four days without water. Unlikely to move from the tree she's propped against. Scared that no one will find her since no one knows where she is.

December 24, 2015

Came into the forest late Christmas Eve, left presents. Returned to Achillies' world and fell into a deep sleep.

November 6, 2015

Reunited with Noa the day after her first apearance in the forest after Reate's death. Spent the night curled around the little thing, knowing in the back of her mind she never should have been away from him for so long. The fawn can talk now and she doesn't remeber the amount of time that's passed since she'd last seen him.

Departed to her son's house earlier the next morning and took Noa with her. Got hugged, offered condolences and was feed by both Nilo and Achilles. While showing no real visible reaction is imensly thankful for everyting they've done for her. To some degree feels unworthy of such a family and also feels as if she's failed Noa by momentarily forgetting about him.

However, did hit the five day mark of starvation before going to Achillies and some of the signs have made themselves known. In the long run she'll be alright, having not eaten for longer periods of time before this but, for now it's playing of her shock and it'll likely be awhile before she starts acting normally again.

Has not left her son's house since then, not prepared to return to that place and the memories it holds. Also staying for Noa's sake so he can catch up on the meals he's missed in her absence. It's also much safer for the kid right now, not in the best state to protect him.

October 31, 2015

Days have passed, though the giant is only aware of the light around her fading and growing. The seas continue their roaring, seemingly unaware of the loss she has sustained. The fact that the world neither knows nor cares what happened here is both inconceivable and emptying. She has hardly moved since that day. Shock has set in, nothing else seems to be making a perment impact. Reate's body has long since gone cold.

Her tears have also long since given out, cheecks and chin streaked remain sticky with dried sorrow. Has not yet moved to pick up the little bag of soul stones he left behind, their last conversation echoing in her head. Feels as though the unicorn's passing has plunged her back into the darkness she'd climbed out of when she first entered into The Endless Forest. Desperatly needs to be around someone right now yet, the only one she could always turn to is gone forever.

Now she can never find him, no matter how far she goes and how long she searches she will never again find him. Knowing that he had been somewhere out there had kept her going, had comforted her when she had been afraid. Now, there is nothing but a pile of stones and while she understands what they contain .... it isn't the same as having him here. Does however understand why he choose what he did but that does little to take away the pain.

Another light has gone out and another loss has settled on her shoulders. Wishes for stronger shoulders and dreads the eventuall swim back to shore. Terrifed of possibly loosing some of the stones during the journey.

Finally stirred in the later hours, awareness coming to her that this is the day that she'd first appeared in the years before the fall. This was the eve of another year of existance, another year to add to the millions of others. Slowly and methodically she traced out a protective pentacle around the body, the thought of something else happening to him terrifies her and fills her with a greater sadness. One day she will drift back to this place, vist the unicorn's statue. Tears hitch her words, making them jitter as she utters the protection spell and she needs to restart several times. The dirt grooves are filled with the rocks that he made his last circle with, pressed firmly down into the soil. The doe's chant reaches it's end and she rips out a chunk of flesh from her leg, letting the blood fall on a corner stone. With one last word she ties the spell to this place, he will be safe now.

Relucantly she knocks a carin over, using it to create a circle around the still form. An even number, just like the ones he used to make her. Tears fall again as she presses her nose to each of them, wishing that he could do this with her. She presses her head against his side one last time and carefully gathers the burlap bag, clenches the fabic tightly in her teeth. The sudden warmth they give makes the tears flow faster as she catches a faint trace of his scent. She felt so small. So insignificant. An ant against an ocean.

As the hours of the day begin to stroke away to darkness Lilith finally takes her first steps into the familiar trees. The sunlight shines through the boughs of trees, casting wanning puddles on the forest floor. Nothing has changed here, the residents still go about their business unkowning of the life that will no longer come to this place. For them this is a day like every other, each one of them thinking of their own lives, their own small troubles. This place seems empty now, too vast after the small confines of the rock island.

The old one moves slowly, one draging hoof placed after the other. Her head hangs and her shoulders are hunched. For one the behemoth seems old, tired. For once she seems diminshed, the deep sorrow that always lurked in the back of her eyes lies in the forground now. She has no tears left to shed. Quiet grief weighs her down, face haggared, ears pressed back against her skull. The blood pond is greeted with a numb glance, the red petals falling simply remind her of memories long lost. For a long time she huddles by the pond's shore, watching the red liquid swirl and bubble.

He's gone. A few small tears well up again, then trail down her cheeks and mix with the pond's blood. For a moment she thinks of trying to join him, thinks of the water closing over her. But alas, she knows it would not be worth the pain it would cause her. She would live. The once great being bows her head and closes her eyes. She still loved this world. A teribly bittersweet love for she knew that the world would swallow her up without a second glace, that she would ultimatly fade from this place as well.

She swallows, the motion sending a sharp pain through her throat. After another glance she turns away, weary of living on but knowing that her heart will beat long after the death of this universe. She trudges over the slopes of the God's hill and stops, gazeing at them with wide unseeing eyes. Her shoulders slump further as she offers a silent prayer for the one she has lost. The blue doe curls up infront of the statues, tear stained face pointed towards their cold surfaces. For now she has forgotten the little light that makes his home here, something she'll feel terrible aAs the hours of the day begin to stroke away to darkness Lilith finally takes her first steps into the familiar trees. The sunlight shines through the boughs of trees, casting wanning puddles on the forest floor. Nothing has changed here, the residents still go about their business unkowning of the life that will no longer come to this place. For them this is a day like every other, each one of them thinking of their own lives, their own small troubles. This place seems empty now, too vast after the small confines of the rock island.

The old one moves slowly, one draging hoof placed after the other. Her head hangs and her shoulders are hunched. For one the behemoth seems old, tired. For once she seems diminshed, the deep sorrow that always lurked in the back of her eyes lies in the forground now. She has no tears left to shed. Quiet grief weighs her down, face haggared, ears pressed back against her skull. The blood pond is greeted with a numb glance, the red petals falling simply remind her of memories long lost. For a long time she huddles by the pond's shore, watching the red liquid swirl and bubble.

He's gone. A few small tears well up again, then trail down her cheeks and mix with the pond's blood. For a moment she thinks of trying to join him, thinks of the water closing over her. But alas, she knows it would not be worth the pain it would cause her. She would live. The once great being bows her head and closes her eyes. She still loved this world. A teribly bittersweet love for she knew that the world would swallow her up without a second glace, that she would ultimatly fade from this place as well.

She swallows, the motion sending a sharp pain through her throat. After another glance she turns away, weary of living on but knowing that her heart will beat long after the death of this universe. She trudges over the slopes of the God's hill and stops, gazeing at them with wide unseeing eyes. Her shoulders slump further as she offers a silent prayer for the one she has lost. The blue doe curls up infront of the statues, tear stained face pointed towards their cold surfaces. For now she has forgotten the little light that makes his home here, something she'll feel terrible about later.

October 26, 2015

(look, you guys are just going to get the whole rp. If I try summarizing it I'm going to cry again)

The old one wondered how long she'd been here. She'd stopped counting the days a week after she'd first arrived. In those days she wore the spindly legged disguise of a fawn, ever had she imagined that she'd spend more than a month in this place. So much had changed, she'd found and lost so much. She shook her head quietly, staring at the portal mouth before her. With luck it would take her close to the Rock Island, without luck she'd end up dumped in the of an unknown ocean with a long swim ahead of her. The chance would be worth it though, it'd been awhile since she'd seen the unicorn. She hoped he was doing alright. The doe takes a deep breath and steps through. Here goes nothing.

The cold of water is the first thing that registers, then it's the salt spray that gets in her nose and eyes. The giant coughs and treads water as best as she's able, she can't get a fix on where she is. Just another speck of blue floating on a much bigger blue. She scans the horizon, wishing she didn't weigh so much. This is expending quite a bit of energy. With a hiss she picks a direction at random, choosing to go in the direction of the sun. A wave thumps her underside, making her bob about. But after awhile she does see what looks like an island and starts paddling harder.

"Reate? REATE? Hello?" She calls out when she gets closer, trying to be heard over the waves. With luck it was. Without and at least there was a place she could rest her legs.

At the sound of his name Reate roused himself off his rock throne, slunk down the slab to weave his way around his cairns and rock patterns. He was cold, haggard looking, and noticeably limping from something, probably a sharp bit of stone, getting caught in one of his hooves, but he didn’t seem to pay it much mind. He even let his tail drag, something he never allowed before. His fur was starting to bleach out now that the rutting season had come and went. Slipping down to the lower sections of the island, he rounded one of his cairns to pause there and stare at Lilith’s form. He had heard her calling, but hearing her voice and seeing her there only solidified the fact that she was there.
“Lilith…” He gave a curt nod, then after a moment of studying the scene with his amber eyes, he added in a quiet calm tone, “Why are you swimming.”

Even from this distance she knew the unicorn was in rough shape but she's still relieved to see him. She didn't have to swim to another island. She puts more effort into her paddling, legs kicking and heart pounding. A wave coming into the shore gives her an extra boost and her hooves finally touch bottom. His question makes her frown and look at him sharply, honestly. "Got dumped in the middle of the ocean, you?" Alright, that does sound pretty snarky. "Sorry. Long swim, portals don't mix well."

"They don't seem to like you," he agreed with the slightest tilt of his head. The bicorn didn't move from his spot for a moment, regarding her condition before slowly picking his way over to a shrub and setting it alight with magic. "Come get warm."

The magic makes her fur rise but for once the doe doesn't complain. She steps out of the water and carefully shakes most of the water out of her pelt. Thinking of the wet spot she's going to make when she settles makes her glance at the stones around them. These apparently were her herd-mates and Reate's....what? Herd? Family? She hopes he won't mind her getting them wet. Lilith approaches the fire slowly and settles, looking somewhat like a huge drowned rat. "Would have warned you I was coming, or....mmm...asked but, there was no way to do so."

He blinked at her words, circling around the fire to yank up a dead shrub to drag back for the flames.
"No need to ask. Family doesn't ask to visit." Besides, it wasn't like he had a life. He didn't mention that though, just kept sweeping around like a ghost to pick up dead branches or dead shrubs. "They just do."

She listens to his words quietly, only response being a thankful nod. The old one hated popping up on people like this, if she wasn't wanted it was better to know ahead of time. Everyone had lives outside the forest now, she didn't want to disrupt them. She watches him move around, sad that he's deteriorated so much from the person she used to know but she knows it's not her place to say that. "You been alright?" She asks him, "Got enough food over here?"

"Food?" He stopped to study her, then stared off at the ocean, "Yeah. There's not much here. When I feel like eating I just go somewhere else to graze." Or eat moss and seaweed. When he felt up for it.

She tilts her head to one side, eyes blinking slowly. Right, he was a portal maker. She shifts uncomfortably, unable to shake off the feeling she's intruding here. Reate's changed so much it feels like she's meeting a stranger and that frustrates her because she does know him. For almost a year he'd been in that forest with her. It should be no different now but...it was. She rests her chin on her knees, looking at the fire in front of her. As usual she does not have the words she needs.

Reate busied himself with resuming pulling over twigs, dead branches and the like until he was certain the fire was happy with that. He then set to making a rock circle around Lilith, nosing stones down and going to the extent of pulling down a cairn to add to the circle. Once he had that done all too soon, he went to curl up at the base of a large boulder opposite Lilith while still being close to the fire. "The world keeps changing and I no longer fit in it. So no. I am not alright."

She watches him start to ring her in with rocks and a small smile forms, she'll be extra carfull about not disturbing them. The smile flattens out into a neutral expression as he speaks. She knew how he felt, now days the forest echoed that every moment she spent in it. The times had changed, new faces had filled the old spaces. Now, she was content to let them come and go. There was no desire to establish new connections. She lifts her head and nods, understanding clear on her face. "I know how that feels." She says simply. There's really nothing else to say. She'd lived through so many changes and so had he.

He let silence follow that, staring at the fire and debating how long he had before he had to go find it more food. "How do you stand it?"

"You reach a point when you must change." The words hang between them for awhile before she speaks again. "At first there was the denial, at first I tried to help everyone, try to touch all the lives I could in a desperate bid for someone who would not fade. Then came the gradual drop, a withdraw. One day I no longer tried." She shifts, shaking a cramped leg. "I drifted for a long time, city to city, state to state. After that cames the desire for an ending. I tried to end. Nothing worked, I am an imortal. For me there is no ending." Lilith quiets, no one has heard these words before. It takes awhile for her to continue. "Got hurt one too many times. Changed then, put up walls. Made a new face, learned to cover my emotions with a mask. Emptited, no room left for light. Apathy eventually came. I no longer cared. Centuries would pass without seeing another being. Sometimes there were those that forced me out of the darkness, those that made my world bright again. And once more I would care. But eventually those lights went out." She sighs, scuffing the ground in front of her with a hoof. "You get used to it. The waiting, the searching, the living. I never had a choice in the matter. "It get bad, worse, then it no longer matters, things get good again and spiral back down again. Patterns develop, life goes on." She looks away from him and up at the sky before directing her gaze on the fire again. She hoped what she said had helped some how, saddened by the fact her answer had been so meloncaly. She stood it because she had no choice.

"I see." He nodded, thinking that over. He had a choice though. He just had to decide.

She looks at him then, not bothering to hide the sadness now. Above that there is an understanding, an acceptance. Whatever choice he made she would be there if she could. The giant stands up then, stretching her back and legs. She steps hesitantly around the fire, settles slowly next to him, close but not touching. Her chin returns to her knees.

The bicorn reached over to touch his nose to her fur, then slowly got up to move some of the rock circle over to encircle them. “I will die naturally in a few hundred years. I cannot last that long, knowing my entire people is gone. The only one that is left thinks she’s a bird. I’d rather just let her think that.” He shuffled rocks around as he spoke, nosing them in place, omitting some he deemed unfit, and after a moment’s pause he disappeared around a cairn. He returned a few minutes later with a small burlap bag. “When a bicorn dies, we remain in spirit. This is the only way I will be with you for eternity- be a small comfort. My body will harden to stone, but my soul will remain in these skipping stones. Take them, keep them. I can keep your sides warm on cold nights and offer comfort.” He nosed the burlap over to her and resettled down at her side, plastering his side to hers. Truly he’d rather not do this, but lasting for several hundred years on this rock island because he was too much of a coward to realize when his life was over wasn’t the best alternative.

Iska...so the little thing still lived. She had wondered ever since he'd told her what happened. His other words take longer to register, perhaps because she doesn't want to hear them. Doesn't want to end up alone again. The old one does her best not to let her face show the emotions, she'd dared to hope and now...she knew that it would not happen. Her face finally crumples as he disappears around one of his rock towers. She wants him to stay but she can't ask that of him, not when she's wanted a way out herself. She's done this so many times, watched so many fade. It shattered her every time, broke her further. She knows what's happening, knows that she is going to loose him. Tears well up, pricking at her eyelids and no matter how hard she tries to stop, they fall. She hesitates before meeting his eyes when he returns, quietly blinking at him. She takes a deep breath and tries to say something but her voice cracks and her throat closes. A small nod is all she can give. All the times they'd been together flash through her head, sitting next to the idols, all those days spent curled up side by side....there would be no more memories to make. Why hadn't she come sooner? Perhaps she could have....no. She knew there still would have been no way to change this. In a way she had known, that day he'd come back covered in broken glass and honey that he had started to slip. She was afraid, he meant so much to her, just knowing that he'd been out there had brought her comfort. Immediately she presses her face into his fur, her sides are shaking now. "I--" Her voices shakes, rickety and unstable. She swallows again, lifting her face away to look at him. "I--love you, I...h-hope you k-know..that." She tells him quietly, hoping he can tell how much she means that. He'd been a freind, a confidant, an equal. Family. But there's not enough words to say that. The old one drapes her neck around his shoulders, pulling him close in the last hug she'll ever give him. She sniffles quietly, rubbing her check against his fur. "I-I'm...sorry." she says softlly, quietly. For what she couldn't do, for what she couldn't fix and for not being there sooner. She understood but it hurt more then anything else ever did, it would never be the same. As much as she hates to admit it, it is better that she knows for certain what happened. At least this way he won't be alone, at least....she was here now. She squeezes him tighter.

"I love you too." He fell quiet to snuggle his head against her side, "Forever and always, until the sun burns out."

"For the rest of my life." She says quietly. "I'll love you." Lilith lifts her head to give him a nuzzle and then returns to her previous position. Silence falls for a few minutes. "Reate? I'm staying. Untill....I'm staying." She thinks he'll know what she means, no way would she leave him here now.

The bicorn nodded at that, remaining quiet as he stared off into space. He had convinced himself this was the right thing to do. She would outlast him, she said so herself, all that meant was that his full life time might last a few minutes to hers. Sighing quietly, he curled up his tail around himself and rested his head against the length of whatever bit of fur he could reach. "Take the stones with you, when you go. I'll be there." Closing his eyes and lowering his ears, he listened to everything around them and taking in Lilith's scent. He went silent again, focusing on the skipping stones. His consciousness slipping away bit by bit, he waited until he was nearly gone before speaking up one last time, "This isn't goodbye." His magic became visible for a brief moment before shooting over to the skipping stones and leaving his still form.

"okay." She says in a small voice. More tears fall, until they cut two wet paths down the fur on her cheeks. Hestaintly she begins to hum, the sound rising and falling, sad and calming all at once. She knows he's going now. She's aware of the sound of the waves breaking, a wind blowing and the breath still coming from her freind. His heartbeat slowing down...she curls closer to him, the hum faltering and hitching. His last words choke the hum, a sob bursting out. Even so she manages to get the words out. "May-may....we meet a-again...in another life." She whispers, it feels as if she's at the bottom of the ocean trying to breathe. The flash of magic blazes before her eyes, adding its sting to her sadness and then, just like that he's gone. A light goes out in the darkness. Only then does she finally start to wail. For a long time she sits there, form still curled around him.

September 25, 2015

I am lucky that this forest keeps giving me chances, all the beautiful little things that shine in the shadows. The Egg Child is one of those lights, I have found that Noa is his name. Learned that from the one that used to call himself the child's father in a past life. I know the stag in a fashion, he was once the mate of the feathered doe I knew from before. She is long gone now. I know not what befell her but I hope it was kinder then what she had lived through. Most likely dead now. It is the way it has always been and the way it will always be.

By some strange twist of fate the fellow is also Vanity's father, mmm...that's not quite right, Vantus? No...ah well, Van's good enough untill I can clarify. And that is Nilo's.....mate? That does not sound right. They are too...human for that terminology. Husband? Doesn't seem quite right either...partener then. The Forest's vocabulary is only unique to here, nowhere else. Terms however matter little as they are happy and Van seems like an alright person. Can't wait to tell him I know his dad, being as i've only said roughly two words when I met him so he should be rather surprised.

It seems Noa is greatly afraid of...I do not think he dropped his name and I do not rember the feathered doe saying what it was...Whatever the fellow's name is, Noa is terrified of him. The stag seems at the very least repentful of whatever transpired between them but as whatever happened resuted in both of their deaths I am not inclinded to trust him. Even so...I wish that we may remain on good terms, it would be nice to have a new friend. At the very least I want nothing more than to take the little one's fear away, such a young thing should not experience such things. The child comes first. If the stag puts one step wrong he'd do well to get out of my way.

We have worked out an agreement, he will bring meats and other items the kid may need when he is older. I will provide the milk....somehow. Catch a goat? Perhaps. For now though I'm taking the Egg Child to meet my son. I hope Achillies will not mind, it is in no way, shape or form an replacement for him. Nothing could ever be one. I love all of them so much....I hope he sees that. Mmmm...perhaps he can help me catch a goat? We shall see.

On a side note, I hate this fog. Oh, and the whole forest is comprised by hormone filled idiots. It's that time of year again, I still do not understand what on earth is going on.

September 14, 2015

It's quiet without you. Each day is filled with more of the same, wander untill I leave. The egg has hatched, it is a fawn now. Fawns change, grow. They grow up and they grow distant. They get hurt, they loose people and eventually they end up broken. There are things I can not fix and things I can not change, I dread the day when the little light watches someone die. Or gets set upon by half the forest when I am not there to protect it. Then there is the day I will return to find it gone. That is worse, the not knowing, the endless days spent searching, the restless nights.

I found a creature I've seen before, although I do not recall the name. They are bigger than the Little Light but not by much. I fear the same for them. They came from the old oak. So many memories are linked to that place, that mother tree. I will live out my life wondering what befell those that left, and what they are doing. Weither or not they think of me or if they have forgotten. I will give them their space and perhaps they will journey back from time to time but they will soon leave again. Once more I am The One Who Stands Still, three legs in the past.

I will stand beside my children should they need me, and their children's children as well. Yet, how many generations shall pass before this all becomes meaningless? How many graves shall I dig? What happens when I can no longer tell them apart? I do not know how long I have before time speeds up again, before years pass like eye blinks and lives pass like soap bubbles. But I do know one thing.....

I miss you. All of you.

August 32, 2015

The old one is a bit preocupied today, mind unquiet with thoughts of dissapearances and rebirth. She'd been good for awhile, happy. But the doubt and worry had crept in again, as she knew they would. Even so....it's not as bad as it could be, not as bad as it usually was. She'd been reunited with an old friend, not quite in a manner she'd been expecting. Now the doe would need to know someone new now, something she was willing to work with.

Lilith sighs, she had no real reason to suspect something was wrong. Achillies was living his own life outside of the forest, so was Reate, so too she suspected was Aurik. They were happy as far as she could tell, this place just no longer met their needs. Nilo was happy, beyond happy, he'd found love and a place he could call his own. Yes, in some ways she was happy for them but.....she missed them. The forest no longer met her needs because no one was there anymore. They all had lives outside of this place. She didn't.

She chews quitely on that bitter taste, half hoping some disaster would strike and drive them all back here. As soon as that thought touches her head she feels guilty. They didn't deserve that, have their lives torn apart again so she'd....what? Feel needed? Not be alone? How incredibly selfish. They'd all been through enough. The doe pauses at Aurik's tree, nudging the rough bark before moving on. She stops at Reate's cirlce, touches each stone and moves on. How had it come to be like this? A place full of abandoned monuments for people that where no longer there.

She skirts the old oak and her mind travels to the time she found Nilo here alone in the snow. This had always been his place after that. At the pond she glances at the place Ird used to sit, now it's gone too. Another quiet sigh gets out. One day the Twin Stones would be another one, the place where the egg had sat. One day this place would be thick with faded presences, one day she'd become one of them.

Would anyone be there to remeber her? Would anyone glance at the places she once visited? The twin trees between the first and birch, the circle of graves, the stone circle or the willow tree? Did they even know where those places where? Questions she couldn't answer.

For now she keeps walking, a temporary solution to a permanent problem. This is what she was. A wanderer. Nothing moe, nothing less. She'd stayed so long in this forest once, been able to spend months within the confines of this place. How had she managed? Not very well. There had still been dissapearances, but only for a few days. Now she was hardly ever here, now she hardly ventured anywhere else. Stuck in the space between the spaces. Her feet carry her to the Twins before she knows what she's doing.

Something's wrong. The egg's not there. No....not so soon, she didn't want to loose the little light so soon. Her head bows and she nearly leaves before catching sight of the small gold form where the egg used to be. The little one's wet, fur all matted together. God it's tiny....she compares the fawn's size to that of the egg and her eyes widen. Could it be? Is this what the egg had held? For some reason a bird or a frog had been expected but she should have known. This forest had no rules. For a moment she's resentful, they'd taken the only quiet presence she could count on. Fawns can move. Eggs can't. Then she's nuzzling the little one, doing her best to clean it off with her rough tounge.

The resentment fades. She curls up around the little one, gently nudging them against her side. She needs to keep it warm. Dry it off. She'd go get a blanket but anyone can carry off something so small and she's not letting that happen. She can't loose another one. After it's dry she nuzzles it again, inspects the small form. It seems alright, probably a bit suprised and damp but okay. Lilith humms quietly in welcome.

July 26, 2015

Has been mulling over many things in the past few days, the topics usually revoling around Reate, the family and the glowing orb. Still hasn't attempted trying to find the island but seems very at ease at the thought of finding the unicorn, all previous nervousness is either burried deep or gone.

The doe could be seen off and on within the forest, mostly traveling to the Twins and keeping the light there company. She's thinking and behaving more like 'a god' right now, comfortably both detached and part of her surroundings. It's unknown what brought on this change but it probably won't last long.

Has also been spending awhile just nesting on Nilo's blanket or just carrying around spread over her shoulders. Incredibly pleased and touched by the gift and does her best to keep it with her.

The egg she took in and tended for a few weeks was discovered to seemingly be lifeless, has since tucked the egg in a far corner of her lair in the off chance it still might hatch. Has deemed this unlikely.

July 20, 2015

"Grandma Lilith?" The young buck peered over the edge of the pit, just enough to sneak a glance, before scrambling back from the edge to skirt around to another side. The ruins was a place he hardly visited; he found it a confusing place full of either the resting or the restless dead, kind of like the souls that he put to peace in the ruins of the castle...that one time. He almost got sidetracked enough to start doing it again, but he tried to ignore them wallowing in self pity and loathing to focus on his grandmother. The buck paused once he got a good enough view of her, pausing on the edge and lowering his neck to peer at her. "You're not...trapped...down there, are you?" An ear flicked and he lifted his gaze, staring off at something only he could see, before returning his attention to her. Some part of him was antsy- he wasn't looking forward to running across Notus.

She'd been 'sunning' herself in the pit for awhile now, or maybe just sitting because not much sun actually fell in the pit. The stones were warm though and that's what really mattered. It had been a long time since the doe had last come here, there had been a time where you couldn't find her anywhere else. Graveyards and ruins had long been her places, the dead seldom minded another presence resting there. She found them peaceful, full of sadness perhaps but love also lingered here. Ghosts never bothered her. Ears flick in surprise at her grandson's sudden voice and she carefully tilts her head towards him. He seems nervous. Not many felt comfortable here and she assumed the sensitive buck could probably sense the shifting presences too. "No, not stuck. I live here sometimes." She tells him and stands up, heading to the side of the pit that has steps. "In a different dimension the stairs go deeper and the pit becomes a room. Storeroom, living place, workshop whatever you want."

Nilo moved to shadow her, pausing at the start of the stair and peering down, "That sounds really useful. What stops you from living there all the time?"

"Empty." She didn't mean empty in the sense that there's nothing there but doesn't want to say lonely. "No sky, no other beings, can't take it with me when I wander. I can't stay in one place for too long." Lilith shakes the dirt from her pelt and sighs.

He tipped his head slightly to the side at her comment, but gave a little nod of understanding.
"Empty places are good for reflection, but not good for much else," he agreed quietly, reaching down to rest a hoof on the start of the steps, then brought his other foreleg down. "Then...you don't have a home outside of here?"

She pauses on the steps for a moment, head tilted, considering the question. "No I don't. Thought this forest was home but it wasn't, it turned out the people were." The doe smiles at him, her way of showing him that he's one of those people. "Of course it's risky when you put your home in a person instead of a place. So much can happen yet, I've found it's worth most of the hurt that can come with it." She can see how uncomfortable the pit seems to be making him so she continues moving up the stairs. Lilith bumps his shoulder affectionately when she reaches the top.

He stayed put until she joined him at the top of the stair, daintily backing up and returning her nudge with a little nudge of his own. "I hadn't thought of it like that." Making your family a home...seemed...well it made sense. He found he could do that too, easily enough, but at the same time he liked having a space that reminded him of his family. He spoke the thought, "But what about a space that reminds you of family? So you have them even if they're not there?"

"I...had a house once." She says quietly, "Got lost for awhile. When I found the place again it was nothing but ruins and boxes. Turns out I was gone long for....twentyish years? Nothing was left." The doe rolls her shoulders in a shrug. "I've no parents or siblings, never had any actually. I appeared one day a...very long time ago, looked different was younger. Lot's happened since then. My real home..." She jerks her head towards that one spot in the sky and sighs. "I can't go back even if it's still there. My people are probably dust now and if they weren't I wouldn't be welcome. There's no way back, I've searched."

He followed her gaze, staring up at the spot thoughtfully, "I could get you home. Even if you're not welcome. I could make a spot for you, block off the rest of the doors..."

"I'd end up back here." She tells him quietly. "I wouldn't be able to survive the fall again. They'd make sure of that." Lilith smiles sadly and shakes her head. "I don't want to see that place dead and barren, if all of them are dead and gone...I'd rather just let them rest. No one remembers us. Thank you for offering though."

"They don't like demons either...?" He tipped his head to look at her, but huffed, "That's not nice of them. You're welcome to stay with me sometimes if you want to."

She squints at him slightly, wondering if that's what he thinks she but doesn't ask. "As long as they operated outside of our places we'd let them be. If they didn't bother us we didn't bother them. One used to be an ally actually, not all of them are bad." The doe shrugs at his other words about her people, niceness never really factored into anything. Only survival did. She glances at him when he makes his offer and tilts her head. "I wouldn't want to intrude, even if I knew where you stayed. I'd visit though."

A faint smile at her comment, feeling himself add, "No, they're not all bad at all." He had yet to figure out what his grandmother was- whether she was a demon or something like his father, associated with the underworld but her own entity. He brightened at the idea of her visiting, tail poofing up at the thought, "You would? That'd be great! I'd love it if you visited! I can show you my paintings!"


Sure most were hell-raisers, upstarts and straight off thrived off of chaos of any kind but some could reel in most of their enthusiasm for destruction. She smiles at the young buck's enthusiasm, it's always nice to know that she'll be welcome somewhere. "You paint? I didn't know that, I'd love to see them! I just....need to know how to find it." Lilith tells him, somewhat embarrassed by her inability to find anyone.

"Yes!" he laughed, "I paint, and I make things...crafts and such. I made something for you too, and that's why I came here at all. But..." He trailed off to nose around the top of the stair, before starting his way down the steps. "...I can make you a door that'll never close or change, that'll lead right to my court yard, so you can always visit whenever you want." He just had to see where a good spot was. "I can make you one to Father too, if you wanted."

"You...made me something?" She says in a quiet voice. It's rare anyone makes something for her, in fact she doesn't think that anyone in this forest has yet. Except that flower nest Reate'd made her once, probably tore up quite a few patches now that she thought about it. A moment is spent just blinking and trying to process that fact. "A door? That would be..perfect." She tilts her head to one side and considers his other words. "A door that stays the same..." Her magic would probably screw that up somehow, worth trying though. "Mmm...that old pit has quite a few portals attached to it, my storeroom is only one of them." The doe suspects that's why the kid's walking down the steps. "It's difficult telling which is which and there are more I'm probably not aware of."

He smiled at her surprise at the gift, but didn't speak up until he was halfway down the stair, "That is true, this is a good spot for doors, a lot of overlap between different places...which one's your storeroom? I could put the doors in there, so you can find them easier?" He glanced up at her behind him, green eyes focusing on hers for a long moment, before swiveling to make note of all the different entrances just around the stair itself. He didn't even know where they all went, he just knew they existed and there was many. Some of them he was fairly confident he never wanted to know. Perhaps there were darker places than Hades' realm.

"That world is one I can't escape, any portal I enter usually drags me back there first. Usually doesn't need a portal to get back there either." She descends the stairs carefully, tripping and squashing the kid wouldn't be good. "That would be...nice. We can see if my world feels like cooperating today, I warn you though, it's a dangerous place."

Scooting himself over to the edge of the stair to give his grandmother more room, the buck nodded at her explanation, "It's okay, I can handle dangerous places..." and well...creatures too, but in some way the creatures were easier to read than places were.

"Alright." She shrinks down and leans a shoulder against him. "Don't want you getting lost, probably best if we're touching." She explains, hoping he's okay with that. "Okay, start walking down the stairs, we'll be going a lot deeper. Below ground." The doe starts moving, making sure that she's still in contact with him. The ground flows up over their heads when they walk off of the last step, a long staircase appearing in the gloom in front of them. After a short while torches appear on the walls, some are blown out but candles flicker in some. Finally the stairs open up to a cavernous space so large that the back edges can't be made out clearly. A few rugs and pillows are strewn about and a nearly dead fire flickers in the hearth but most of the space lurks in shadow. Good. The portals weren't pulling any mischief today. "Here we are."

Nilo complied with a nod, following the blue doe's lead down the steps and through the next set of stairs and down the corridor. Once or twice he paused to stare up at the candles, thinking they were pretty darn neat and maybe he needed some...absolutely useless in a sunny place like Greece, but he didn't foresee himself living in a castle anytime soon and that seemed the only place that'd need them...
He paused slightly once they came into the room, blinking at the gloom, "Oh this looks nice, Grandma Lilith!"

She just smiles slightly at the compliment and nods a little. Her gaze travels around the walls, taking in the different shelves and piles. Everything's in its place, she's been using this place for years and shows by the sheer amount of stuff that's packed into it. Who knows who dug this place or what purpose it was made for, there were no people here or creatures for that matter. Only birds. Lil glances back at the staircase and is pleased to see that it's cut off by a wall, nothing but them got in this time.

He moved over to coax the dying fire back to life, hoping it'd force some of the shadows back so he could clearly see enough space to make a door or two.
"Let's see....I'll make them opposite sides of each other, maybe Father on your immediate left and myself on the right? Or...is there an object or two here you could associate with father or myself? That might be easier to make little markers..."

"Oh, I already know the way to your father's place. You don't need to worry about that one." It'd taken her long enough to figure out how to find the portal but now she could usually locate it. "Mmm...let's see..." She moves about, nudging the dropping leaves of a potted plant before examining a near by shelf. "Does size affect anything? Would this be too small?" She pokes her nose against an egg sized lump of some silver colored metal.

"Oh alright, then in that case..." he paused in thought, looking from the fire to the little silver metal. "I wonder..." he moved over to pick up the metal in his jaws, then carried it a little way into the gloom and set it down, then nudged it a little closer to the light, until it started to flicker and reflect the flames...
"There! It's like a candle flickering in the dark. It'll catch your eyes, so it'll remind you there's a portal right next to it."

Little does Nilo know that there's not usually a fire down here, the doe decides to mark off the door with something more permanent later. Otherwise she'd just fall through the portal randomly if she accidentally kicked the metal off that spot. "Mmm...yes, quite eye catching."

He gave a happy little nod, rather pleased with himself for thinking it up. He scooted the metal over a few inches, before setting to making a door. Nilo stilled, staring at a fixed point off into space while his mind worked a door free, the only noticeable outcome of the struggle was a gradually lightening rectangle, one that showed briefly the white walls of the two studios, a patch of brown earth, the sculpture in the center of the space and a line of blue sky overhead. It faded into nothing after a moment or so, causing Nilo to stir.
"There! That's just the courtyard. I have two chickens and a dog named Lark, they're all really good though and wouldn't hurt you..." he trailed off, wanting to add something, but seemed to change his mind, "Let me get you your present!" With that he quickly hopped through the new door, returning about a minute later with a large loosely folded bundle across his back. "I hope it's to your liking, I made you a blanket, like the one you made me."

She knows how long it could take for magic to work and so she begins tidying her living space quietly. Tugging rugs straight, fluffing the dusty pillows, roughly folding the few towels. Her ears flick back at the breathe of magic that rose momentarily from the flashing door. Slowly she blinks and approaches carefully, looking with interest at the now invisible door. How had he done that? The doe wouldn't ask, magic was something very personal. "A dog and chickens? Mmm...it's been awhile since I've seen those kinds of animals." An eyebrow is lifted as she catches on to his hesitation to say something. He seems alright, not as nervous as he'd been earlier. The magic didn't seem to take much out of him either, she'd forgotten what that had been like. Lilith watches him shoot off into the portal and sighs, she still didn't think she deserved so much. He's back quickly and the doe eyes the bundle curiously but as he explains what it is a large smile curves across her face. The blanket is gently nudged open and closely examined. "Wow...It's....perfect." She breathes, "I can't believe you remembered that, you were so small."

He beamed at her praise over the gift, fur practically fluffing up as he looked over his stitching again. He had practiced continuously until he felt confident enough in his stitching to make it for her. "'Course I remember..." whether or not he remembered perfectly was something he no longer knew. He might have swayed the situation to his own opinions now, "...you helped me when Mother didn't." He stilled and stared off for a moment, mood seeming to darken for the briefest of moments before his voice brightened and he turned his head back to smile at her, "I still have the blanket. I keep it safe."

The blanket seems a lot nicer than the one she gave him so long ago, the stitches are straight and neat. The one she'd made him had been a mess of lopsided but tight stitches, even so it'd done the job to keep him warm. The tone of his voice makes her frown slightly and she nuzzles him reassuringly. "I did my best, missed a lot too though." She says quietly, knowing how families fell apart here. She also knew now that some individuals functioned off of different mindsets and instincts then she did. Athena was one of them, Ouro was and she suspected Rae was one of those too. Her eyes widen in surprise when he tells her that he still has that blanket from all those months ago. He wasn't even knee height back then! "You...still have it?" She's overwhelmed and settles for blinking at him in a wide eyed manner. He can probably feel the jumbled emotions of pride, surprise, wonder and a few other slightly sadder emotions she can't quite place.

Accepting of the nuzzle, the buck tried to not focus on his mother. Now was not the time for her. "Yes, I do. I keep it in a little treasure box. It comforts me. Reminds me of your love." He chuckled at her speechlessness, "You saved me from dying in the snow, a blanket is the least I can do to tell you how much you mean to me. I hope it's comfy enough for you," he gave the material a doubtful glance, but looked back at her.

She poofs up even more, now resembling a fluffy bird and finally just smiles hugely. She opens her mouth to say something but no noise comes out and shuts it again. At least she's blinking normally now, that's an improvement at least. after a little while she shakes her head slightly then hugs him probably slightly smooshing him with her enthusiasm. She couldn't picture a world without this sensitive little buck now, she knows how empty her life had been before. Could one blanket really have made that kind of difference? She didn't want to think about it.

He laughed and hugged her back, nuzzling whatever bit of her fluff he could reach- which was a lot, for a moment or two he felt like he was drowning in fluff, but that was fine by him.
"I love you, Grandma Lilith; I'm glad you like the blanket.

'I love you too. It's...you're...perfect."

"You're perfect too."

July 11, 2015

A few months have passed scince she had been reunited with the unicorn she holds so dear. The two talked for a time, Lilith trying her hardest to conceal her worry about him. Though the meeting ended on a happy note she can not shake the unfounded worry that Reate may not want to see her again, something that the unicorn actually told her was nowhere near true. As she knows that he did not lie and given the fact that every time she felt unwanted everyone she knew welcomed her with open arms, the doe should have been soothed by this. Yet, she still finds it hard to let go of what the past has taught her. Has a vauge idea of where the unicorn resides but is still terrified of some how losing him before she can locate the island.

Also reunited with her grandson on that day and talked with the youth for awhile. Many relieved nuzzles were exchanged and she was beyond overjoyed that the little buck apeared to finally be thriving. Sat together for a long time before he departed.

On one of the Twin's rain days found a rather large egg sitting alone in the playground and took it under her wing.

Her days had past in a constant flurry of worried activity, running inventory, setting aside supplies and restless pacing. Through out this she made sure the fire burned in the hearth and gently moved the egg, turning it this way and that throughout the day. When there was nothing else she could feasibly plan out she turned to re organizing her collections, anything to delay the inevitable. The old one couldn't remember being so worried about something since her son and grandson had taken that trip to hell.

Lilith's worries finally lead to her seeking out her son in the world that he now lives in, carfully navigating the portals with the egg in a sling around her shoulder. Initally thought the cabin was empty and climbed onto the roof before descovering Achilles was indeed there. After talking for a short while the doe was invited in for tea wich lead to her admiting the the reason she was there.

She slips inside, ducking slightly to get through the doorways and sits, a quiet nod of thanks is given. A few sips are taken before she takes a deep breath and looks at him "In my lifetime it has become rather apparent that...mmm...it seems impossible for me to hold on to friends or other individuals. Family, freinds, aquantinces...all slip through my hands eventually." She pauses, fingers idly taping the sides of her cup. "I don't know how to hold on to people. It's...mmm...rather hard for me tell whether or not I am wanted and that gets in the way of maintaining links." Lilith lowers her head slightly, taking another few sips from her tea. "I...know that I need to stop thinking like this but...I often feel that I must protect others by removing myself from their lives. In the past I've learned that those closest to me get hurt, they become targets from those that wish to harm me." Another deep breath, this is the first time she's confided this to anyone and the first time she's given a family member anything but the happiest support she could. "As you can imagine that's led to few relations and even fewer freinds, one actually....I don't-I mean...." The tall women chews her lip slightly. "I don't want him to become another faded memory like all the others have. " She says quietly, "But, I don't know how to stop that from happening. I'm afraid that the patterns will go on repeating themselves. I...need some advice on how to keep freinds."

June 9, 2015

Today's routine was the same. Wake up and wander, wake up and search. Walk through the portals, pass the small towns, roam the cities aimlessly, climb the mountains. On and on. Day after day, night after night. Look and look and look and look but never find. She walked another city today, dodged the traffic. Everything was grey and drab, the few plants here seemed half dead and nothing caught her interest. And then....she found herself at that bar, that place of human suffering that she'd taken shelter in before. Where Reate had found her. The woman approached it slowly, one hand stretched hesitantly in front of her, as if worried that the place would fly away if she got too close. Could it be? Could this be the place where she'd find him? Her heart beat faster as her fingers closed around the handle and pulled the door open. With excitement she slips inside and walks quickly towards the booth she had sat on that day. Footsteps slow as she realizes that there is no one there. Not a soul.

Her face drops as she just stands there. The man at the counter glances at her and hurriedly resumes cleaning the glasses, he remembers the last time she was here and the woman still unnerves him. Lilith turns slowly and walks away. She doesn't know where she is going, just that she must get away from this place. Leave this dose of disappointment behind. The other days have passed the same way. Finding herself in places of her past, seeing the houses destroyed and empty, grasses pushing through the floors. Not a soul insight.

She has come to expect the emptiness. Perhaps she is no longer looking for the unicorn, perhaps she is just desperately trying to reclaim something she has lost. Something she never remembered losing. Day after day of heartache, day after day of thinking she sees him in the flickers in the corners of her eyes. She no longer knows why she is doing this, there are no directions and so many other worlds. So many places to search. The old one is exhausted. Insomnia keeps her searching through the night and into the endless days. Everyone she knew is gone, her children keep to their own realms and friends? She had none. She could no longer remember their faces or their names. The days stretched on with no one to talk to. Sometimes she tried to fill the silence, singing snatches of sad songs, telling her stories to the wind. But mostly she walks on in quiet. Who is there to hear?

Yet, she always returns. Wanders the forest, lost in the trees. Sometimes she finds the tiny fawn but the day's end always finds her alone. She needs the space. No matter what she tells herself, no matter how she attempts to avoid it......the doe always gets drawn there. The four stones, something the other beings never stopped to look at. It seems strange to her that there was ever a time that this place meant nothing to her. Head bowed she traces the stones and sighs. She is full of emptiness. Numb. Other days she calls his name here, screams it to the skies. She never gets an answer nor does she expect one. The doe raises her head to the skies and finds her star. What happened to the necklace she'd given him? The little chunks of her home that she searched for years to find. She snorts quietly, even then she was searching, wandering. Why search? She asked herself the question for the thousandth time. She still had no answer, just a feeling that she had to continue. That she could never stop, that every moment whatever she was looking for gets farther away from her.

June 2, 2015

I went searching. Although....is that really the word to use when you don't know what you are looking for? It was nothing. A wayward desire for something I could never keep, could never hold longer than a moment before destroying it. Beyond useless, futile flutterings of a desperate butterfly against a maelstrom gale. Like looking for water in a desert or searching for truth in a mirror, getting blood from a stone. Impossible.

I've spent these years watching every single light I have guttering out into darkness, thousands upon thousands of memories ending with a grief so heartbreaking it feels as if you are cracking into pieces. Have I grown used to it? Yes. Does that stop the useless longing? No. It never does. Every footstep, every breath and every heartbeat longs for that feeling again. Every day I wish that I could change and every day I know that I can't. Still...I tried. I tried to find you. Searched from sundown to sunup for months, for days. Sometimes it felt like years. Every place you have ever been, where we have laughed or cried in the few months that I knew you. Traveled the human world, went to places you had never been, trying, praying that I would find some kind of a link. I found none.

Why would I? I do not know where you have gone, no one has ever told me, least of all you. Why? I would not have known how to find you anyway. Directions have never been a strong point. We never saw that ocean. Never went to the sea, never talked of the thoughts weighing heavy on my mind. I trust you. It took so long for me to realize that. And then...by that time you were already gone. Like so many others. I do not blame you.

I have done the same.

Left when I said I wouldn't, lied to the faces around me. I told them I was tired, not that I was dead inside, not that I always had been. I still look for you. Amber and orange, fresh pears, golden honey, the wind on the grasses. Everything still hurts. I assume that you have moved onto another life, another place. Perhaps for the better but just as likely for the worse. For your sake, and mine, I hope for the better. I still find myself in the circle you left behind.....it seems safer there. Quieter. Sometimes I think that I can feel your presence there, irrational I know. I can't even smell you here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if you even lived in this world, in this dimension, maybe you never existed. No, I know you did. In some way or some form you where here.

I am still searching.

I cannot stop.

May 23, 2015

The doe arrived early this morning, trudging slowly through the grasses. It had been another long while since her last visit. What she'd done in this time was not clear but she limped now, the muscles down her shoulder and spine were tender. Most of her scabs were now peeling, the only ones left were those around her mouth and a few that laced her legs. She sighed as she took in her surroundings. As always it was the same. Each tree still stood, no familiar faces looked at her through the branches. She made her way to the circle, walking its boundaries and touching each with the tip of her nose. Thought of the other that had done this so long ago. Where was he? The unicorn's scent no longer lingered there. Yet, the 5 pound bottle of honey she'd left was no where to be seen....it could mean anything. Many creatures here liked honey. She calls out once, flinging his name to the sky and waited. No answer came.

She slept there on the stones. The hours came and went. The giant did not stir. Her son came and sat beside her for along time but she did not awaken. The shadows were dark in the trees when she finally awoke. The alien sat beside her now, it had been too long. Smiled and fell back asleep only to awaken alone but caught the scent of the green and the gold in the birch forest. Followed and pushed back an odd shyness, hopped with the green and settled with them both. This is what she missed.

May 1, 2015

Came into the forest in the later hours, lingered around the pond before catching a familiar scent. Froze for a moment, didn't believe she would see him again even after her meeting with Achilles. Aurik... Took her time getting to him, stopped at Reate's old circle first. Bowed her head in the middle of the stones, thinking back on all the times she'd sat with the unicorn. He was gone now, and she didn't know when he'd return or if he would. Started towards the standing stones when she felt she couldn't put it off any longer. Stopped when the buck was still at a distance, the memory of the only time he'd rejected her racing through her mind. She did not want to be chased off. That would hurt too much. If he'd been that mad at her before....he had double the reason to do that now. The fact that he'd still been a little fawn back then didn't matter, she'd dissapeared the day after she had told him she wouldn't leave. The thought scared her enough that she almost walked off but he saw her before she could. He seemed...worried? Scared? Did her best to reassure him though privatly thought she deserved to be chased off. She had broke a solem promise without a second thought. Nuzzled him excessively (by her standereds anyway) and led him to the largest stone in the playground. Ended up falling asleep besides him for awhile, later waking up and giving him one last nuzzle before slipping away. Needed some time to clear her head.

April 29, 2015

After walking the portals from the far wood to the endless, the old one is back. She is unsure of her place here, she does know most ties have found other pastures and that there are only two paths to follow available. Home to the world that is always hungry or back to the woods Achi now calls home. This place is now a strange one and the wandering she's done over many months has not made it any sweeter for her. It was the faces that truly gave this place it's life, its staying power. These trees are not the reason she first ventured here. Those have faded, as she expected and accepted. Yet, here she is. Back again.

Water was the only thing pulsing in her mind, her throat raw and voice gone from the dry days she had. Months passed without substance and nourishment, the scurrying creatures she hunts can still elude her. Slow going to the pond, bad leg making only a slow walk possible. Finally she drinks, mouth full after mouth full, not paying attention to anyone around her. The water is the only thing she sees.

(Okay I didn't remember how slow/glitchy this comp was. Also the mouse's broken. Will freeze/randomly disappear and I'm feeling sick right now so there's probably not going to be too much movement.)

April 2, 2015

Where have I been? I don't......remeber.
Centuries? Years? Nothing...are they here? Are their skeletons wrapped up in the weeds that grow along the pond? Who am I searching for, I no longer know if this is the place they lived or if they lived at all. Was I alone? Yes, that seems right, I have only been alone.

How long? How Long?

Is there nothing? I will not return. Coming here was a mistake, should never have - why am I here? I need someone to talk to.

No More Looking. They Must Find Me Themsleves. I am Done Looking

October 6, 2014

The time of the fog comes again soon, it would be nice to have a skull to hid behind. Others are acting strangely once more, the thing called the "rut" is causing it I believe. Haven't felt much difference in myself lately, making children was never something I had interest in.

Worried for my sons and grandchildren, this is where my grandbabies came from after all. Nevertheless can't help marvel at all the stupidity these deer display. Followed Athena around for a while, joined up with the red deer's "group". Mostly just wanting to keep a familiar face in view. Stayed with them for awhile after she left.

Quickly traveled to Freya and found a black spike with her. Seemed....alright? Not too threatening really. Joined by a dusty yellow later on, found they were somewhat friendly? Half-heartedly hopped about with them.

August 25, 2014

Alright, first things first. Find that flower bracelet. Possible locations? Ruins, first forest, other landmarks, the birch. Okay so basically the entire forest, no problem. I can do this....I'm going to get hopelessly lost.

But first I'll sleep in a sun patch for a few hours. Scoured nearly every tree in the entire first forest, started by the pond and checked up on Ird. Had the little spirit bounce around next to me as I searched, it's quite nice to have someone show such enthusiasm for such small things I do. Found nothing of interest to me.

Parted ways and searched the section of the forest between the ruins and the pond. What exactly is a tall branch??? All the tall trees don't have low branches and the ones that do are TINY. Being a whale swimming with minnows is damn hard sometimes! Ended up hitting multiple trees and got poked in the eye for my troubles.

Circled the ruins for a long time, no evidence of the bracelet. Did Nilo find it? No...the family's scent is faint here now. So much for having a reliable place to find people. -_-

Finally tried the few trees that sprouted from the hard stones in the ruins. All the trees were small and stunted from the hard soil and years of part shadow. The headstones were peaceful....quiet company with no expectations and no words.

I remember rescuing Lumilla from that pit, remember when Tea used to hide under the ruin tree. When my circle was the only thing I needed. When that little girl's father was ripped apart here. Where my son and grandson walked down the steps to hell.

And now, at the last tree I find it. Wrapped around the branch. The bracelet clinging to the limb of the ruin tree.

Now all I have to do is find him.

August 24, 2014

To do list:
1. Find that bracelet for Nilo
2. Find Nilo
3. Catch that Rabbit for Auni
4. Find Auni
5. Look for Reate
6. Look for Zazh
7. I think I'm forgetting something...

August 17, 2014

TOO MUCH. He’s awake now, struggling now, breathing now, living now. And it’s too much too late, don’t know how much of this I can take. There’s not enough of me left now. Breaking seems evident, a tornado in a bottle’s neck. Choking on the words left unsaid, I am damned and I am dead. Family’s fine, too much too hold. Too much to hope for.

You couldn’t help, you’d be better off dead. Been screaming on the inside, words tumbling black and slick from broken lips. Keep it in, keep it concealed. They can’t know what you feel. The demon’s back and I’m going under. This storm won’t be contained anymore. The tidal wave’s heading towards the shore.

I don’t have that much to give. Take it all before I resist. Too much too soon, too little too late. Spread myself thin for the past few days. Nothing left but stained glass hearts and swollen throats. No outlet for a soul like mine. It’s too dark to find me inside. The screams come louder bringing blood. Sob on for every tear, where the forest meets it’s end. Cry on for the memories. The grandson you can’t help, the child you let go to hell, the grand daughters you never knew.

This is your ending demon. No time could ever make you wise, what god are you to fall again? This is your ending demon, now you get to watch them die.

You deserve this."

August 9, 2014

Family is back. Bad shape. Couldn't do much in the fight, granddaughter was the only one that could have defeated the wolf anyway. I think. Nothing is certain. Nilo's awake the rest are not. Worried. Worried and scared.

Reate has a daughter, formerly deceased daughter by the sound of it. Talked with Freya, Nilo, Leo and Reate. Leo's going through depression problems involving, oddly enough, the same fawn that the green pond creature is also missing. Got sniffed by a few fawns.

The three leg brought over a fawn. What do I do? Stand? Bow? Sit? Did all three. Was made to check out a rather large mushroom by the three leg's daughter, agreed that it was very nice. Sat with them for a long while before SOMEONE turned me into a frog!

Hopped after everyone and somehow ended up watching a stranger give birth with a few other strangers. Seemed to go alright, the little one was named....ah....what was it? Inherent. Or something close to that....dangit.

Went up to the newborn when the others left and gave it one croak before hopping home.

July 21, 2014

My son is going to hell. Literally. Or at least a version of it, Hades. The Underworld, it has just as many names as heaven does. I can not go with him. He goes to face his father and it is unlikely that he will return. When did I start having so little faith in others? Ird, the irritating green creature at the pond doesn't seem to have that problem, it trusts everything blindly.

I told a stranger that I would hunt for him. Might as well, there's nothing to live for here anyways. Might also help him interrogate a friend of his. Mmmm....should be interesting. He is called Auni.

Been sleeping by the pond for the past few days. Awoke to Reate beside me and freaked out a little. Wasn't expecting him to be here. No warning whatsoever.

July 15, 2014

We all find our way back here again. No matter what lengths we go to, what heights we climb, rivers and valleys we cross, we always end up back home. Even if that home shouldn't be. Home isn't where we wish it to be, it simply is. It was nice to see you again Reate.

July 13, 2014

Wandered the curves of the forest for quite sometime for the past few days. I don't know what I'm looking for or what I'm trying to find. When my steps took me to the pond I found someone I hadn't seen in many suns. Nilo. My grandson is all grown up now...he has antlers! One day I'll come back and find that he has had children! Great grandma Lil...I feel so much older now. We talked for awhile, I can see that he's growing into a thoughtful and incredibly smart young man. Seems like just yesterday when I gave him that rabbit skin blanket....time moves so strangely here.

Eventually he had to leave and I had to go. Wandered more, thinking over his words. "I can see why this peace would bother some though. Peace can be maddening if you focus on it. Not embrace it." I think I need another war, another fight. Something that'll let me know I still have reasons for remaining. "If you had no one to turn to...." This place just doesn't end does it?

Found myself at the rock circle. Reate...I wonder where you are now. Settled in my own circle, curled up and watched the forest around me shift in its everyday sort of way. It's been months since I've seen most of my bonds here. And now...alone with the silence, I realize this. He was right. The more I think about it, the more I know that there is no one I can go to.

"Bitter sweet isn't it demon?"

"Yes..."

July 9, 2014

Slept in the birch with Kio for most of the day before going back to my dimension. Came back later and zoned out by the pond for a while. Suddenly joined by Aurik and had a mini heart attack because I'm too old for surprises like that. Quickly joined by Leo after that. Snuggled on the bridge, content for the first time in a while.

July 6, 2014

Mmmm.....Aurik cuddles. Sorry Ouro dear, I missed him.

June 26, 2014

Woke up alone again this morning, though I thought I was dead. Could’ve sworn you’d kept me warm through that whole dark night. Felt your breath heat up my skin and I was safe again. My ears opened in to silence and my eyes awoke to emptiness. When my tangled hair turns gray, will you still trail behind me? It seems the past is made of stone made to drag me down. Maybe that’s why I don’t fall asleep anymore. I never want to lose you again. But every warrior must lay down their armor and no one can escape sleep.

I will always miss you.

May 8, 2014

I can feel the wood digging in to the side of my stomach. Slumped over like a sack of flour left for too long in the rain. Weak. The feel of poison slipping its way down my throat, blinding light before an impact. How many times has death cheated me? How many times has it slithered out of my hands just like that god damned snake did? I can’t even recall how many times I've been forced to live. Forced to survive. I don’t live for my self anymore. Looking back I can't say that I ever have actually. It has always been our job to save others, protect them, make sure they don’t crack, break and die. It is a guardian’s way. A God’s way. My way.

But what happens when that guardian breaks down? I've seen too much. A gasp chokes itself out in my worn raw throat. There are so many memories of torment rattling loose inside this broken mind. Limp fingers trailing in water turning red, the knowledge that there’s no monster under your bed. Because you became them. I can see my hands shaking on the tabletop, fingers curved like claws, traveling out their private spasms. I have never ever let anyone see me like this. If they did it would break them, destroy them. They need someone to lean on when their knees give out but mine are weaker then theirs.

I know I shouldn't be here. I should be there. With them. Helping, protecting them. Keeping my promises. But I can’t face them right now, can’t be near them without reminding myself how useless I really am. How broken their guardian is now. Every wall breaks and gets repaired. Eventually the effort required to fix it out ways the worth of having it whole. I past that point long ago. I watch my fingertips turn the glass of alcohol in front of me. Watch the amber color it turns when the light goes through it. The exact color of his fur. He doesn't deserve a friend like me. No one deserves to get stuck with a monster like me.

And I remain here, slumped over against this hard table, in this place of human suffering. Everyone has come here to drown their sorrows. I hope mine drowns me. Everyone here has a reason for their sadness. Some greater than others and some won’t survive it. I remember swearing that I would never end up here. Swore that I wouldn't drink my life away like the oldest of my kind once did. Its been a hundred, no, a thousand years since then. Now I understand the need to forget.

Its been two nights of coming here now. Two nights in a corner booth at the back, staring at the liquor I know I won’t drink, breaking down behind the scenes. And the best part is no one cares. What’s a strange woman’s sorrow compared to theirs? No one knows me here, no one knows that I’m supposed to be the strong one.

I've been here since forever.
Everything goes away.
I still remain.
Please just let me end.
Everything I touch only dies.

April 5, 2014

Cursed forest. I thought I knew you better, how can I find them? Been more than two days....or has it? I can't remember anymore. I'm sorry Reate you deserve better surely.

April 5, 2014

What should I do? Nothing is ever sure any more. Nothing is easy to figure out or get into perspective again. I am never sure of anything any more. Now I know how the years slowly poison you, how eventually all you ever see is what happens next. Every fall, every loss, every heartbreak will only come again. Every opportunity comes again. Why hang on to anything if it will only die and come again? There is no reason for such illogical desperate behavior.

Then why does it always hurt? Why does every loss just get worse? Why does the stinging never stop? I don't understand. Please understand....I don't understand life anymore. Or death. Two things I'll never have. I can not live for I am not alive. I can not die because I am already dead.

Please understand that I can no longer stay here. Please understand that I can not leave. Please.....somebody tell me what to do. Someone help me. SOMEONE ANSWER ME.

If I stay I'll only hurt them when I fade away. Only let them down and tear out their hearts. Why do they love me? Why must they still care? Why did I let them get so close?

Didn't you learn your lesson you stupid girl?

The longer I remain the more attached I'll get. The tighter the strings will be bound around me. The longer I stay the more pain of losing them will get. If I leave I won't hurt them anymore. No one else will have their world torn apart by me. They would finally be safe. But I would destroy them if I left. Reate.....please remember I have three legs in the past.

Everything you touch only dies.

March 31, 2014

This entire playlist right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm9Yv6iuv0o&list=PL994A6F2C5A8C4212

"Well, it depends on what you mean by depressing. They are definitely sobering, that's for sure. 'Fall' is about the act of dying and 'Winter' would be the act of death or hibernation, however you want to put it. I think "Learning How to Die" is a good song. It talks about all of this. I used to think that life was kind of accumulating, that you were continually learning more, growing more, understanding more. Then I had a few events in my life that made me realise that life is actually about surrender and losing, in fact maybe giving yourself away. So maybe 'Winter' is the most honest season. So I don't think it's a depressing thought but it certainly is a sobering thought to think that this life that we've been given actually has a purpose of surrender rather than conquest."

- Jon Foreman

March 23, 2014

It has been so long since I have last written. All those days and months left unrecorded.... I should not be so forgetful. Too much has happened to put into simple unrestrained words. So I will include a brief synopsis so all the details will not grow hazier.

The lost ones have not returned. They remain absent. The little raven that has followed me for many months through the forest is gone. I miss her dearly, there is no one to talk to anymore. Aurik, Achilles and their little one's are doing fine. Got a few opportunities to show them I love them dearly.

Reate returned broken. There is nothing that I can see that will allow me to save him. There are somethings that we must do alone, this is one of them. Ultimately he has a choice just like father did. I will not intervene if death is what he truly wishes. But I will miss him and the ocean will remain far away. At least until I have left this place behind and no longer remember it.

I have met a most intriguing demon recently, he is called Odu....I cannot remember the rest of his name. He knows me as Taborri, Voices That Carry. We are somewhat closer to each other then prudent, no love things going on mind you. I'm not that stupid.

Spent a portion of time resting with a little gold boned fawn that I nearly forgot from when the littles Leo and Nilo were born. The Little Apple reminds me so much of my babies.

January 22, 2014

She came from the outskirts of the forest, fading out behind the trees. In and out, In and out. Mist soured the leaves seething for a place on her back, about her neck and through her fur. And still she moves on, across the ground leaves below her hooves. She can't think of a reason for staying and yet she still comes home. She's been trying to find a reason for living, a reason for existing if she won't rest among the reeds one day.

The giant's been restless. It seems as if her beating heart is to big for her chest, a bird in a cage. Yet her love is shrinking for love won't save souls or undue tiredness. The same mistakes she's making she'll make a thousand more. His words still ringing in her head though he's dead and gone, long buried deep. "Gods don't change" And she hasn't.

Finally she stops weaving though tree trunks. In the blood red clearing she finally realizes that she always hated it here. Too bright, too garnish reminding her of other days, of the massacres of childhood. There's no water here. And yet, she'd come here often for the sakes of friends as well as her own. Crimson eyes took in the circle before her. Grey boulders like beached whales on a beach, she knew their warmth and the contours of the biggest stone. Here in the birch this is her safe haven and another's as well.

That one is the reason she is here again. For a minute she dances around the ring, tapping the ground to her own rhythm. Forgotten how he fortified this place so she does her best, weaving on long legs and leaving dancing lines in the ruddy dirt. Slow down and go to the center. Here she leans forward and gently deposits the reason for being here. An orange ripe and sweet, filled with juice rests upon the soil. The doe remembers the taste of its brethren the burst of flavor like a sunrise, sticky juices in the corners of her mouth. He'll like it.

After a moment she begins to pull objects from her frayed shawl, nose bumping among the glowing souls caught in her web. Old keys, fancy sticks, delicate eggshells like slices of sky, smooth stones, a bird skull, scattering of seashells collected long ago and a strand of orange yarn build a nest around the fruit. A candle takes its place nearby flame unmistakably burning. Step back and take a breath, look at all that surrounds you. Soft nose nudges the orange and a poppy falls on top. And off she goes smile, stretching skin, into the forest again. She'll come back when she will.

January 7, 2014

I wonder where others have went. The ones I knew when I first came here. I fear that I am in danger of forgetting them, yet if they remain missing I know I shall. Mmmm....I wonder if they have found someplace better then here, if they are happy, safe or if they are dead. For some of them dead seems more likely.

Who were they? Those lost ones? Those frays? There was the little human face...mmm...what was her name. The only that has a face like me I know. Her name was Tea was it not? Mmmm.. yes that was it. She cried a lot that one. Had a lot to cry about, such a burden for one so small. I remember being there a few times, not nearly enough though. And now she's gone. Probably dead. I miss her.

And the young mother Keshadi? What of her? Vanished. I know what happened to her little ones though. Buried under the lover trees on top of who knows how many other corpses. Sometimes three tries mean nothing. No skin off my back truly, every one dies. Yet, being killed once in that manner...mmm....wouldn't wish that on anybody. I miss her as well.

And Lumilla? The little one that went away and came back big'n bad. The spitfire. I remember the one time she got stuck in my home. How it took hours to get her out. She cried on me to if I recall right. She did, everyone does at some point or another. Heh, I pity those who might wish to do her harm. I wish her luck.