[Like A Shadow On The Heart]

Finally, Revtheyr had some time to himself. Well, relatively. Lately, he had been taking solace in the offered warmth of a beautiful stag named Nathan. Seeing the magpie-pelted stag almost always drove a dagger or two through his fragile heart. That was because how Nathan looked, on the outside, was highly reminiscent of the one he had lost. His Tyerk. His beloved. Forever gone, due to his selfish acts, with only the fawns as the Gods' attempt to erase his guilt. Unfortunately, it didn't work that way.

Day after day, night after night, Rev walked through the silent forest, almost daring to think that he could hear Tyerk's voice. Almost daring that he'd come from beyond the grave for a final farewell. Always, he ran - to find nothing there but the wind, or shadows of the trees. His solo sojourns were his repentance. A petty way to repay such a debt, but there was little else the new father was capable of. Killing himself - as was his original plan - was foolhardy. His fawns needed him now. And he needed them. But there was also another need, a stronger need. A hunger deep inside of him that needed to be sated. And the one who could always quench that drive, was gone - forever - because of his selfish wish.

Nathan seemed to understand. He knew what Revtheyr needed, and often tried to provide it. His eyes grew concerned as they spoke. But never could he touch the darkness Rev felt, even when tears stained his pelt, as Rev's head found his shoulder. Even when he curled around Rev to attempt to share some of the warmth the younger stag seemed to have lost in his body. Even when he tried to care for the four fawns that were, as fawns do, running their parent ragged. Something ate at Revtheyr deep inside, and there was nothing he could do to discover it. Until tonight.

It was nearing twilight. Nearing night. It would be time for Rev to make his rounds about the forest, jumping at shadows, calling with glee to silent idols, and walking the path of life, searching for one that had gone beyond. Rev lay curled against the roots of the Great Oak, head on the ground, legs curled under, and tears streaming down his muzzle. There was only one thing in his mind. One solitary thought. ~He can't be dead. He can't... I must have been mistaken...~ Even though he knew what he had felt, and he knew what he had seen in his mind's eye, he refused to believe it. Tears still ran down, even as Nathan approached gingerly, picking his way around sleeping fawns to where Rev rose to meet him. He seemed to notice the tears on his friend's fur, eyes softening in concern.

"Rev…Hey, Revtheyr, are you alright?" Nathan asked, stepping closer. He started a bit when Rev's head nestled on his back.

"Ty... I... I miss him, Nathan. He's.... he's not dead. He can't be dead. I... just... I can't have WISHED him away... with these fawns..." Rev said, nuzzling deeper.

Nathan tried to speak. His mouth, however, wouldn't form the words. Instead, he let Rev cry, feeling his fur grow damp with the flood of sorrow that his friend could not dam. Eventually, when Revtheyr was calm enough to hear him, he spoke.

"It’s not your fault, Rev. If you should blame someone, blame the gods that took him away from you." He smiled weakly, and softly nuzzled the other stag's neck. "Please, don’t cry..."

Rev pulled back a little. "He's.... He's not gone! He's not! He can't be!" He gave Nathan a soft, confused headbutt. "One of these nights, I'm going to find him. And he's going to be hurt and needing me. And when that day comes... I'll need your help to get him better... please, Nathan? You're... you're such a good friend, and you're so knowledgeable... When I find him, will you... will you help me?"

Nathan hesitated for a moment. "I..."

He couldn't bring himself to tell Rev that he had to move on. That Ty was gone, and never coming back. That there was nothing left of the stag he had loved but memories. And more importantly, that there were the fawns to care for now, and himself. He had to go on with his life. And, more than anything, a rather substantial part of Nathan wanted to be a part of that life.
Instead of any denial, he just nodded, taking a deep breath at Rev's expectant expression.

At the nod, Revtheyr nearly jumped for joy, and leaned across to lick Nathan's ear lightly in gratitude. Then, he calmed, once more shy.

"Will.... will you help me search, tonight? I thought I heard something last night in the ruins - They kind of scare me though..." he said, giving a bit of a frightened giggle.

His eyes lowered to the four fawns curled up all about the Oak. "They should sleep... through the night."

Nathan nodded. "Of course, I will." He looked down at the fawns, concern shone again in his eyes. "Will they be alright, here? Alone?"

Rev thought for a few moments, and lowered his head to drag his tongue across Crash's fur with affection. "We shouldn't be long, and.. No one's up this time of night."

He turned toward Nathan, and canted his head to one side, before looking over toward the ruins, and starting to walk that direction, slowly. "What do I tell him when I find him? I'm sorry I made him vanish?"

"Er... I'm not sure how to put that... into correct words..." Nathan's gaze traveled past Rev, toward the ruins. His legs moved forward without his consent. "I'm sure you'll know what to say... if.... If he's still around."

Rev whirled on Nathan. There wasn't anger in his eyes, but a desperate, wild belief. A belief in something that his mind already knew was hopeless. "He IS around. I just... I have to find him. Maybe if you... if you pretend to BE him, he'll get jealous..."

Trailing off, he glanced up at Nathan. Almost as soon as those eyes met his, the magpie-pelted stag's heart did a couple of back-flips, and a full somersault with a 180 twist. Then plummeted to the ground. Pretend to be Ty? To feel Rev's warm body against his, to nuzzle close, to lick the inside of that perfect pink ear... A dream. He only too readily nodded his head.

Pleased, Revtheyr started to shift to human form, urging Nathan to do the same. He fell into the other stag's arms, closing his eyes, and imagining... But.. it wasn't the same. He couldn't pretend that Nathan was who he was not. As Rev made to get up and move away, Nathan grabbed his shoulders lightly, then slid one hand to the back of his head, and other other to cup his cheek. His eyes grew sultry.

"Oh come on, Rev... You know you want it.."

Revtheyr struggled, grabbing Nathan's wrist, and pulling away. "Nathan...." he murmured. "Please don't..."

After a moment, Nathan let go, his eyes smoothing out, and his lips pressing together in a tight line of frustration and worry. "You ASKED me to, Rev." he said, pointedly. "I was only doing what you wanted."

Rev bit his own lip, and turned away. "I.... I know. I know, Nathan. I know. I asked for it, and...."

Slowly, he turned to walk to a large boulder. They were near the playground, and those were plentiful. He curled his arms around himself, tears sliding down his cheeks. He hurt. All over. He felt dirty. What had he TRIED to do? What was he doing? Trying to replace Ty with Nathan? Gods... Gods... Gods forgive him!

Nathan watched him, sadly, from a distance away. He wouldn't leave him alone like this. He wouldn't approach. Sensing that Rev needed space at the moment, moving forward to comfort him wouldn't be.. healthy for the other. But he'd watch here. And wait. And bide his time. And dry Rev's tears. Because what he needed right now was a friend who cared. And Nathan cared more than he'd like to admit. Maybe some day... Ah, some day, Rev would be his.

But today wasn't that day. For now, he watched, aching to rush to the young stag, hold him, tell him everything would be alright. But that would do more harm than good. For right now, Rev needed to grieve alone. And after his tears had dried, Nathan would be here to take that walk with him, to cheer him up, to nuzzle him gently. And to, hopefully, one day, mend that fragile, broken heart.