January 21, 2011 - 7:27am — faunet
The tv's off
No sound
Just silence
The sun is gone
Giving everything in my world
A little less color
Why should it matter
In your eyes I'm nothing
Nothing I do
Or try to do make you proud
Never
Never have I heard that word come
Willingly and meaningfully out of your mouth
Each day I am reminded
That I am alive
And your the one that made it happen
It might seem selfish
But I didn't choose to come into this world
And know that I'm here
I don't wanna be
A tear can run down my face
But I'll just turn away
That's the way I've been raised
I feel like a burden
You stay only for me
And you say those words
And it feels as if I have the whole world on my shoulders
I love you so much
And I know you love me to
If I could I would have gone back in time
Ten months before I was born
And I would say go back to your hometown
And cling to your son
And perhaps things would have changed
Perhaps know you would be hugging him
And sharing a smile
Instead of being in a world where for awhile
That won't happed
Stuck in this world with your daughter
In a situation your trying to improve
Things could have been different
I could never leave you
You've given me so much
And say I'm the only reason your around
How could I.
Well done. I could offer some
I could offer some critique if you like.
Sure go ahead
I love this... It really
It really reminds me of loss...just..in general X3
Very lovely, Faunet =3
Okay. ( : Spelling is an
Spelling is an important factor in any writing, it's always best to go over it at least twice, and if you can have someone else go over it, that's better, because as a writer, it's hard to see even clear errors in your own work, I do it often, small spelling things that I often miss are pointed out to me later.
And your the one that made it happen
This is a good example, 'your' here should be 'you're' since 'your' shows ownership and 'you're' means 'you are'.
'In a situation your trying to improve'
youryou're'Instead of being in a world where for awhile'
Despite what many people think, 'awhile' isn't a word, the correct spelling is 'a while' ( : I still make this mistake often myself.
'That won't happed'
Just a typo I noticed ( :
Now then, I want to talk about flow and the way poems sound when read.
It's always good to read your poem aloud, because that way you catch snags that can take away from the flow of a poem.
I'll use a random snippet as an example.
"Giving everything in my world
A little less color *
Why should it matter
In your eyes I'm nothing
Nothing I do
Or try to do makes you proud
Never
Never have I heard that word come
Willingly and meaningfully out of your mouth*
Each day I am reminded
That I am alive"
*This can be moved next to the line above it, being here it creates an unnatural pause
Of course no good critique would be complete without pointing out the good things!
I love the theme of this poem, it's melancholy and sad, but at the same time hints at something bigger and a reason to be brave, it's very inspiring. And I think it's something many people can relate to.
You're good and you show a lot of potential, I hope you keep improving ( :