Black, White {Phylux's Diary} and Red
November 4, 2010 - 11:50pm — shaku
Recently...
6 . 19 . 11
This feeling has become a physical ailment. A manifestation of everything that makes the forest beautiful and horrible. You are everything I love about this place, and everything I need to rid myself of. She was just the beginning. From her, I learned my rightful place. From her, I realized that I was not meant for these things. These emotions. I'm clumsy with them. Dangerous.
As are you, my once companion.
Perhaps nobody deserves to carry this heavy burden, these feelings, but I will struggle to keep mine in check. And in the meantime, until this world rids itself of the acid hate that burns its core, I will protect the little ones from harm.
From you.
Earlier...
2 . 26 . 11
An old friend, from tiny fawn to small doe. She is lovely. I hardly recognized her with such a vibrant crimson coat. She was flanked by a new friend, and Mattie showed up shortly after. A fantastic start to a new day. The lily pads held our weight as we dashed across them, resting above lazily lolling fish. So tempting... but I was hardly in the mood to disturb the still waters with my greed.
The trouble started when the red one, Bei, flew off into the distance. Mattie slept upon the pond, and in hindsight, I should have stayed by his side. The red doe led our small herd to the red bull, who steams and froths with incomprehensible anger. Even he was calm (I picked a distance that didn't stir his frustrations) until Mattie marked a nearby tree. The brown stag's tree.
This claiming of our surroundings confuses me, but I knew enough to realize Mattie wasn't taking it seriously. Enough to know the brown stag definitely was. I love you, Mattie, but you can be a tornado of trouble when you choose to be. A soft, downy-furred tornado.
The scuffles were frustrating. Small scuffles. One moment, a new battle. Once again, stifled. Once an attacker, now blocking another from an attack. A confused mess. Mattie, don't look so offended. You caused this mess. It still breaks my heart, although I'm not without guilt, either.
I promised. I promised to try. I promised the white rabbit, Caen, that I would attempt to be civil with the red bull, despite the fact that I have already tried to be civil.
Too late, I remembered this promise. Too late to smooth things over. But I tried.
And when he flew to the trees, I tried. When he attacked, I tried. Long, bright marks along my side prove this much. His few scrapes prove my inadequacy. My heart tried one moment, my antlers the next. Closer, closer to our ever-expanding group. Fawns, minis, faces I don't recognize, faces I do, the small bongo fawn, Ravus, Mattie, Bei... they were all waiting, you pigheaded buck. Why make it so hard? Why fuss? Why not sit with us? Why not relax your bones? Let me rest mine?
I kept it up too long. Too long, and I'm worn down to the core.
But I know I did good. Caen, if you'd been here, I know you would've been sad. Not understood.
But I did good.
2 . 15 . 11
A warm sun and a peaceful forest. I used to believe that this was the very nature of my surroundings... peace. Cool grass, fish that practically swim up to you (despite numerous betrayals, the poor, delicious brutes), and the soft sway of trees. These aspects of the forest are definitely peaceful. If you dwell in the company of trees, they do not thrash you. Do not upend their roots to find better company.
I wonder at the failure of peace in this place. I wonder at the clash of antlers, and the long, deep gashes of scarred earth, sliced open by careless hooves. I wonder why we cannot be like the trees, or the fish.
But... I suppose the trees do not press warm flanks together in the winter, and the fish so often swim into awaiting claws and open maws.
Perhaps the peace has something to learn, as well.
2 . 10 . 11
A strange day. Ravus' scent is on the wind, and I see her resting beneath a mushroom canopy. A blur of black and white... my black and white. My face. My antlers. My twin. I've never seen such a thing. One sniff, two sniffs. I ignore his irritation, overcome by curiosity and excitement. He sneezes, and his antlers are changed.
I can do that too, see, friend?
But he is not amused.
Careful, stranger. No need to get violent. Listen to your pretty friend. I meant no harm. Later, he has turned blood red. Fitting. I hope he stays that way. You don't deserve to be my twin.
I make my way back to Ravus, but she seems tired. The usual game-playing signals have no effect. Another violent one hangs around her, and I realize they share a friend. A familiar brown doe. The violent one I definitely recognize, but he is torn. I ignore most of his protestations, offering only a few of mine own.
I deserve to be here.
He isn't pleased.
A day of displeasure, it seems.
Until Caen appears. Appears, and vanishes. Brute, get away from me! Somehow, Caen's disappearance is your fault. But the mini beneath the red buck's belly is frightened of me. I cannot bear to cause that. Away, after the white rabbit. A few moments together, and a new one appears. Caen is pleased with him. I am a third antler. Away, back to Ravus. Back to the violent one who slumbers. And when Ravus flees again, I follow.
To Geisha! I should've known. But she is frisky today. Protect her. Now her. Now me. From what? Each other. And then the tree. ...The tree wins, it seems. How unfortunate. But what are you...?
Ravus! Geisha! Put your pelts back on... this is... definitely not... There could be fawns around... But there aren't. A guilty sneeze, and I have joined you. The wind whips across areas that it shouldn't.
Suddenly, eyes. Ravus has her pelt on. Shocked, I follow her example. Stranger, it is not what it seems... Geisha, put your pelt on, doe. I block her from the buck's sight. She dances around a tree like some heathen, and I know I cannot block everything. Around to the gray stranger's other side.
Look! Look at me! Haha, see! I am dancing! No, no, look here! Not at her. Good, that's it. Dancing, see? You'll dance, too?
Whew. Geisha is beautiful again. What a frustrating doe.
And a very odd day.
2 . 1 . 11
Exhaustion, confusion, reparation.
We started off as rabbit and crow. Then rabbit and large crow. Caw Caw! So confusing when others run from you... I tried to caw that I meant no harm, but they kept on backing up. It was a relief when my small bunny hopped away to different grounds. She attacked like a fiery whirlwind... I knew her, but that meant nothing. Feathers did little against sharp hooves. She wasn't like this before! Merciless and cruel, the brunt of her blows aimed at the warm body that could do nothing to harm her. I am large! Attack me! But it came out as caw caw and meant nothing. Sneeze, sneeze, and we were deer again. Was that all it took? She appeared sorry, but I was not convinced, blood pumping high with adrenaline, eyes wide and breath flaring.
But without her, you were sad. How could I console you? ...You wanted her back again? Would that make it better? True... I acted rashly. I sought to retrieve her.
It became... complicated. The red bull who confused me before, trying to push me from your side. This time, only reacting. I am not going to hurt the doe, beast. I want her for my mini. But he did not understand. He did not want to.
Confusion, exhaustion.
Caen did not become happy. Ravus will not let me touch her. The red bull left bruises bright and glaring against streaks of furless patches. Patches that used to have fur. I am tired and sore and confused.
But I have Caen.
Can I allow myself to be happy... even if he isn't? I can't decide.
12 . 19 . 10
Trees that sing. A forest that's only calm and comforting on the surface. Some race through it like bandits, the bulls of hell on their heels and they know it. Some ghost through like lost souls, staring at every tree as if, perhaps, if they stared long enough, it would fade away into nothingness. Some stroll through like kings, casting sidelong glances at their peons and staring other kings, or possible kings, full in the face with deep, hungry eyes. Wolves of deer.
I find that I take each of these things in stride. One day, I am a king. Another, a ghost. Rarely, a bandit, since racing is very taxing on my system. Most days I am simply a deer, eager for a touch that still feels so foreign to me. The touch of damp soil. The hesitant touch from a blade of grass. The scoffing touch of bark. And, my favorite, the warm, muffled touch of another deer. Before, I was eager for any touch, and even now, I'll take what I can get.
But lately, I've begun to get picky, sliding sidelong against certain deer more than others. Mattie, whose fur chuckles against mine. Even in sleep, his breaths laugh. Ravus, whose body is hard and soft, and somehow always comfortable, even when she isn't. The Geisha, whom I've only lain beside for a few moments. Her unnaturally soft fur prickles, weaving its way into yours, burying itself in your skin. I have Geisha fur scars. And then there's the rabbit, Caen... his warmth is so fleeting, I sometimes wonder if I felt it at all. Perhaps it was just a dream? Only the wish for his warmth? But then he grants it again, sparingly, and I'm sure.
...Until he leaves again.
And when he leaves, I follow. And when he smiles, I dance. And when he paws the ground, I lay, hopeful for a table scrap. I feel sick with the weight of this need. His small warmth suffocates me, whether I have it or not.
On these days, when his warmth teases me, I feel like a bandit and a ghost and a king, all rolled into one. A thief yearning for something that keeps fading away, leaving me both stronger and weaker because of it.
It reminds me of something... Not as whole as a memory. No, more of a feeling, staring down at me from the branches. The feeling of wanting to protect something. The suffocation of loss. The eyes of guilt.
The trees quiver and roar.
And I yearn for Mattie's chuckles, Ravus' hard softness, and Geisha's scars.
Leave the white rabbit for another day.
11 . 18 . 10 || 8pm
A tiny doe harassing a fawn?
Whether to protect the innocent, shivering fawn was no decision at all. The doe was obviously rabid. Her movements were precise, but filled with a rage that was inconceivable.
I felt bulky and useless, my wounds making my actions slow and clunky. By the time I lowered my antlers, the tiny opponent had already darted through. Luckily, there was a great number of us ready to aid the unfortunate creature, and the doe was soon driven off.
I cannot comprehend.
Perhaps, after a quick, necessary nap, things will become clearer.
11 . 14 . 10 || 7pm
I have no regrets. My flesh is on fire. Everything aches.
Is she safe?
The little one?
He ran, I know this much. He laughed and ran. As if this were all a game. As if he weren't fighting for his life. If not for that, I wouldn't have followed. I would not have dogged his steps, striking with hoof and antler where he lay. I had to make sure he knew. I cannot presume to know if he felt terror, but my heart is black with hopes of it.
I haven't seen Rire or Geisha yet. Are they alright? Geisha... synonymous with spitfire. Her looks are deceiving.
Ravus, you're being too kind. Do I look so shabby? Once I have rested, we will spar. I will wipe the worry from your eyes.
The playground... this is where you were leading me? A fine choice. The rocky slopes are like cups filled with water. Perfect.
Ah, Geisha! That leaves only one.
Rire, are you well? You fought so bravely. I was honored to stand by your side. If my antlers clipped you, I apologize. If it makes you feel better, the slash on my shoulder is from backpedaling into Ravus.
...But where, where is the little one?
11 . 14 . 10
What is this?! More rain? I fall asleep in the cool dirt and awaken to find myself coated in mud! My legs are jittery with pent-up motion. The cold has not soaked so far as to curb my energy!
Ravus, pardon my quick departure. I would lay with you a while, but the wind is calling! If I run fast enough, even the rain cannot reach me!
This turns out to be false.
Ah, wet again. Stop beneath the playground stones for a quick rest. Shake off the water. Bolt off again. Rest a while, off. Off, off.
Sorry, little ones! I cannot stay!
If I rest too long, the cold will catch me!
Ahh, how I long for a fire to dance around.
Crisp and warm and dry.
11 . 07 . 10
The day flows by without a single hitch. The cool breeze whispers of winter, but the sun is having none of that. The trees ask nothing of me, and when friends appear, I almost forget myself.
A good, long stretch, and I'm ready to go.
Who is your pretty friend, Ravus? Ah, Ysrael. I didn't recognize you beneath so many pelts! Are you preparing for winter? Haha!
Later, Mattie joins in. I love the way he plays. He's like a child... only heavier. I don't mind the weight. ...Does he? Oh, you've brought another? And is he... Yes! A friend! Haha, be careful where you put those antlers! What's that? A drag race? We're not snakes, but it seems so natural for you. ...And naturally, you win. Well-deserved, my new friend. I'll practice for next time.
But where is Mattie? Ravus? Ysrael? We've dragged too far away. My soul tugs at them, but my senses are confused. The forest is full of the mangled scents of deer, and I depend too heavily on sight for that to matter much anyways.
Mattie? Mattie! A happy reunion.
No, Mattie.
Not in front of the children.
11 . 06 . 10
Ravus rushes into the distance, following close behind Rire. It was a misunderstanding. A game turned sour. Sour enough to blister and bruise.
And surely, they were all bruised.
Mattie lies at my feet, and I stand guard. Vigilant. Vigilant against what? Against Ravus? The idea of fighting her, fighting Ravus, sends a chill down my spine.
But I'd do it.
I don't understand why, or how. But I would.
It's alright, Mattie. Go ahead and sleep.
We can figure this out once you're rested.
Later...
Not that I think this is a bad idea, Mattie, but shouldn't we wait a while? Let things simmer down? I see her sleeping in the distance, but that doesn't mean she's harmless, and you're far from unscathed.
Of course, delaying the inevitable is pointless. Yes, I understand. Let's approach her now, then. Perhaps it is better to approach her while she's injured... If she's injured.
A few moments later, everything is almost back to normal. Almost. My chest still sends up bee stings of nervous warnings every time she moves, and I refuse to lie down until this changes.
Perhaps I'll try a dance?
It doesn't take. I'm not trying hard enough.
But time takes its toll. Finally we lie down together. Almost together. My legs are tense beneath me.
Who would've expected a group of young fawns to break the tension? They are so politely silly, I cannot help but laugh, and that breaks it.
We dance.
11 . 04 . 10
I did something.
I must have.
Weren't we playing?
Those antlers suited you so well...
Did you think they made you invincible?
Suddenly fierce and cruel.
There are children around!
Innocents who cannot understand,
And still they flock around you.
Careful!
Mattie, you can see it, can't you?
Have I lost my mind?
Yes, together, we will
Push him back.
Calm him down.
He breaks.
All is forgiven,
But I am wary,
My chest soaked with blood.
You cower beneath me,
And I feel a pang of guilt.
Guilt, for what?
Stay back, children.
All is forgiven.
But far from forgotten.
11 . 04. 10 (Later...)
A few good friends to brighten the day.
Mateo, who draws me into terrible things... Or did I start them?
Once started, it's difficult to stop.
Ravus, who sits and stares and seems so pretty,
I don't care what you think~
You couldn't get me down from Mattie's back if you tried.
Unless you tried.
Then you might.
For a moment,
A few new playmates.
Which one of these things
Is not like the other?
It felt so natural at the time...
I can't decide... separate
What do you think? >>
FTTTT Imp...always the rebel.
MINIDIARYWITHABUNCHOFENTRIES
Also maybe keep an archive of them to look back on 8D
Oh man! Imp! I thought that
OK! I'll do it that way~ It seemed to work out nicely for Voface~
Danke, danke!
LOVELOVELOVELOVE ♥
LOL Yep that'd be him. XD No
No problem~ I can't wait to read more from Phylux.
Definitely an intriguing read. BI
"Unless you tried. Then you
Then you might."
Hehe.
/nom Phylux is so
Phylux is so intriguing.
Lol, well Ivi quoted the part
I always love your diary entries (I missed seeing Vo's, although his are cool because something is usually always going on with him, even if you don't have the time to go in forest). They're so fun to read but they stick with you.
Also, "Once started, it's difficult to stop."
IT WAS DIFFICULT TO LOOK AWAY, TOO, in Ravus's defense. She can only hope Mateo is prettier. xD
(No subject)
Ysrael; *noms back*
Rabus; Lol, yeah XD That cracks me up, too~ He totally pretends to be confrontational sometimes, but he's way too much of a softie to actually do anything (especially to a doe XD)
"She can only hope Mateo is prettier" Whaaat? You saying Phy isn't pretty? XDD
I'll ttly return to Vo-writing in December, I promise! X3 I need more mental energy to dedicate to his story, keke.
Thank you, everyone! ;u; *gets all teary-eyed from all the sweet comments*
"The idea of fighting her,
I think most deer agree~
I still love the way you write~ And I'm liking this new fellow (despite bum-nuzzling) :3
I also love how he and Rire are doing the exact same thing for their respective friends right now, lol.
Edit: Hooray for random flocks of fawns!
"Whaaat? You saying Phy isn't
No.. xDD I meant that in the context of "Ravus is hoping Phy finds Mateo prettier than her." xD
Which... I know... ask a stupid question. xDD
This recap was so awesome, too... Phy reads as being extremely thoughtful which makes this so enjoyable to read.
Mateo and Ravus are lucky. xD
Aivilo; And most deer do well
I knowwww~ I was squealing over that a while ago. Rire is such a kickass friend~
Ravus; LOLOL. I think Phy finds Ravus very pretty, just very, very scary, as well XD I think he feels his life is on the line every time he risks a buttnuzzle (AND OMG HE WAS RIGHT WHO KNEW).
Yeah, he's actually surprising me with how easy he is to write~ He jokes around, but knows what's what. It's a refreshing change from Vo XD;;
Lucky how? Lucky because they got away from each other okay? Haha~ XD
'not in front of the
XDD
I laughed so hard.
Him and Mattie are hilarious.
♥ ♥ Lmfao, I
Lmfao, I knowwww~ Phy is such a dude around Mattie XDD Silly boys~
Jesus Christ, I could not
And lol, her body is "comfortable, even when she isn't."
I adore his description of Geisha, and then the whole Caen section, poor guy.
Eeee your writing really is
I really enjoyed reading this entry ! You do describe everything so perfectly. ♥
adorable art by Tuoho! ♥
Ravus; ;u;;;
Funny fact: this entry was originally going to be Dublin scoffing at the other deer XD I dunno when I realized Phylux was talking, haha.
JD; Awu, thankyooou~ I'm so incredibly pleased and surprised at how much Caen is affecting him. I think all of my deer are a little spiritually stand-offish, so it feels nice to play Phylux with a full soul. (I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY THAT ARGH. It's like he feels... heavy, but in a good way.)
mmmmmnnngg your writingg
Fffffthankyoooou >u< ♥
Now I need to stalk this,
Awuuu, thank you, Pega! ;u;
Silly Phylux. Toukan wasn't
Late reply! I didn't see this