September 16, 2009 - 2:47pm — Arrikanez
[Soothe My Spirit] [A Letter To A Friend]
~For Nathan~
Dearest doctor, I have known you so little, and yet, I feel like I owe you so much. If there were one deer in the forest that I felt most comfortable sharing secrets with, it would be you - and I've plenty to share. I have told you I was raised a prince. I have told you how I was driven out on my father's horns. But there are things I have not told you - things that still hurt too deeply... Even to share with a friend who I trust. You. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for such friendship. You tossed me a proverbial vine when I was drowning in my own sorrow. You pulled me from the mud of despair and misery to set me again on land that wouldn't suck at my soul, as silt at the bottom of the pond does to one's hooves. You showed me that I still had family to care for, and still had deer that cared I was still living. For that, alone, I owe you.
You have woken feelings in me that I can't begin to describe. Feelings that I both feel guilty, and dirty, for. Feelings that I know you return tenfold, but I also know I cannot reciprocate. It is this that makes me feel guilty. And it is the feeling of my lover's eyes that makes me feel dirty. We talked last night. For hours, it seems. Ty... is gone. I accept that now, even though my heart will probably never recover from the shock. Your words made a difference my friend - I know now, and believe now, that Ty's death was neither my fault, nor my direct doing. I had believed for so long that it was.
Tyerk meant too much to me for me to let him go, though. You know that, I'm sure. I can still hear his voice, chiding not to eat too much, or worrying if my next step will topple me over. How can he ever forgive me for being so selfish as to think his ascension to the Gods was something I brought about? More importantly... How can YOU ever forgive me for dragging you along to search for him? Knowing what I know - as I am not oblivious to such reactions - I would be willing to bet that the search was.. painful for you, as it was for me. Is there nothing I can do right in this world?
The fawns adore you - as do I. Nothing sees to cheer them more than seeing their beloved Doctor Nathan. You know my fawns and their exuberance firsthand by now, so you know what a hoof-full they can be. I am glad they never see me as you did last night. My eyes were indeed turned toward the moon, but my heart was ablaze with questions of innocence, guilt, worship, and even the very essence of myself. The tears I shed were only a fraction of the inner turmoil that raged within - and still does.
I suppose you could say I'm blinded by my own need to be loved. My need to latch onto something. My need to be taken care of. I am a sickly deer, so I suppose it's programmed somewhere into my psyche by the Gods, to have such needs. To keep me alive, and to keep my heart beating. Some greater Purpose, perhaps, awaits me, that I need to be around for. I will not know until it happens, what that purpose may be. However... To Ty, I owe an apology for my constant need for attention - both medical and physical. Annoying as that may have been, he stayed by my side. And YOU have stayed by my side. I would not be here without both of you.
It is time for me to admit something, both to myself, and to you.. and even to Tyerk. I have never been satisfied to give my heart to ONE and one alone. Perhaps that is why I have never found anyone I could truly call a Mate. Tyerk and I had known each other for very little, before he was taken from me. I may have called him my Mate, but in my heart, I don't believe I was ready to make that decision for life. That was wrong of me, and for what it's worth now, I apologize. But I don't want to do the same to you, Nathan. I don't want to put that burden on your heart.
I... am going away. Not forever. Not by a long shot. Just for a few days. To gather my thoughts, visit places I've nearly forgotten. ... And to find Shikari - my Sire. I doubt he remembers me, but it is worth finding out. Even if hatred still resides in his heart, where I once was, I MUST find him. Leonardo does not need the stress which I feel - as he has problems of his own. I will go alone. I want you to tell Tally, Leevi, Dag, Tam, Saosin, Garth, Silence and the rest that I will be back soon. There are things I have to think out, and come to understand, with only the moonlight to answer to, and only the forest to accompany me. I am not yet ready to accept how life must be. I have to do so.
The forest has always been more of a home to me than where I came from - so I will be back. Perhaps with wounds for you to tend, perhaps with a heart for you to mend. I cannot say. But I WILL be back. I leave the fawns in your care. Please, please, PLEASE leave them good thoughts of their father while I am gone? Although Seth, for some odd reason, insists on calling me 'Mother' rather than... Whatever. I am sure he'll grow out of it.
And Nathan? Take care of YOURSELF. You can't push things as far as you did a few nights ago. Rain is bad for your health, as you're constantly telling ME. By the time you read this, I will be nowhere to be seen in the forest. I hope you can forgive me for having to leave. It will, I assure you, not be long.. And I don't want to come back, and find out you're running yourself ragged! Get sleep, get food [not berries, grass. Grass is better for you], and understand that I WILL be back. I might even bring you a few raspberries. You have not tasted delicious until you try raspberries. Please be safe? My dearest friend, I never want to lose you. Send thoughts, and I'm sure - somehow - I will receive them. Be well...
-Revtheyr
Letter Of My Own: This is
This is for Maijme~
She has done so much to improve my mood, and my mental opinion of myself over the very short time I have known her. She is a beautiful person who creates beautiful art, and the very first deer I paint [after I find plastic deer - mrrr] will be of Nathan. I have enjoyed every moment of our Skype conversations, even the silence. And I hope that this letter from Rev explains things to Nathan, since I can't draw worth BEANS compared to her, to explain it that way.~
Enjoy! And I will be writing more for you, and for all of my friends here. I have found at least ONE Muse again, thanks to this site. My word.
-Until next time, Be Safe, Be Well,
Anna
and my friends are my strength."
;w; That was uber sweet.
I wish him the best of luck and for their friendship to never die.
Also, I'm glad to have helped you and I value our new found friendship.
----------------
~Nathan~
"Close your eyes and drift away, I will show you all through dreams."
----------------
~Nathan~
"Close your eyes and drift away, I will show you all through dreams."
You are such a master of
I'm hoping that I can see Rev in game when I'm capable of getting on. He's such a sweetheart *nuzzles him some* You keep doing what you do best Arri, and that's providing everyone with your wonderful words and stories. *nods*
~*~*~ My Deer: King Iviran, Toxic Creed and Imperial Claudia ~*~*~
Main Deer: Nightmare & Sintharia