Musings

Playlist: here
- Butterflies - Huge fields - Flowers - Long grass - Night time - Darkness - Bruises - Scars - Turquoise color - Seaside - Creeks - Cracks & Breaking - Gentle touch - Nose & forehead kisses - Holding hands - Deep sleep - Dreams & Nightmares - Devotion - Home & Homelessness - Mother - Childhood - Princehood - Waiting - Loyalty - Black wolves - Slow mornings - White bed sheets - Obscure & Inexplicable thoughts -

"You don’t love people at their best, sweetheart. You just love them because you can’t help it."

"A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort."

"I’m not very good at putting my feelings into words. That’s why people misunderstand me."

"I give because I know how it feels to want."

"The world doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand the world, that’s why I’ve withdrawn from it."

Characteristics
(hovers)

Child-likeInevitable trait due to his disability. Comes through his voice and how he acts., amicableNot one to hold grudges often, seeks for a stable state of mind.,
emotionalSomewhat a crybaby. Hides this trait, having been taught crying is a sign of weakness., perseveringThere are things he just won't give up on. Not even if it puts him in danger., caringThe ones he cares about will be questioned about their well-being and get a lot of attention.,
loyalOnce finding one who he trusts and believes, they shall gain the loyalty on a par with a dog. Sometimes a beaten one., responsiveHe will act and react. Even the smallest details might have a huge impact on him., playfulWhen in the correct mood, it doesn't require more than a high pitched sound or a hop to get him hyperactive., lovingDespite his disability and childish traits, he is fully able to love and show/say it. Loves hard and selflessly.,
eager to pleasecontinuation to the "loving" part. Wants to be seen as useful, important, going to great lengths to be accepted and appreciated if given the chance., passionateOnce he is into something/someone, they will know it. There's no shallow feelings shown that often., sacrificingGives what he must to gain what he wants/needs.

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DeviousA rare trait, yet shown easily in certain situations. Capable of cruelty, even if not understanding the weight of it. Has manipulated to get what he wants., moodyCan turn from joyful into a pile of depression in a blink of an eye., sensitiveThere's quite a possibility someone uses just the right word to make him react. Be it a reaction of happiness, grief or anger.,
self-absorbedSometimes an animal's instinct tells their brain to do what they can to survive, to be comfortable. He can't help it much..., timidNot that trusting with strangers anymore. He can never know if they are about to be nice or to eat him. Has learned it's only logical to be careful., jealousNot very hard to see in him. The loneliness he has to endure often has no room for competitors, and everyone "stealing" the ones he loves can even get met with Nidhem's rarest emotion; aggression.,
self-damagingWhenever his mental health is decreasing too much, it will often turn into much more negative things than just tears. Has been proved to act suicidal at the darkest of times., dimCan get unbearably grim, usually shooing off most of his acquaintances with this mood. , pickyNot everything shall gain the honor to be swallowed by him. Life must be interesting, life must be sweet. As if he'd want to be a prince from time to time.,
foolhardyNot usually showing off with the brave side of him, but sometimes will confront things that could kill him with a single stomp., indecisiveDon't ever ask him to decide between two things with multiple outcomes., stupidHis mental disability makes him what he is. Not packed with knowledge or the ability to remember much, life is a constant learning process for him., untidyDoesn't groom himself. Lacks the instinct to do so., slick-mouthedAccompanied by his devious side. Surprisingly talented at choosing words at times.

Treasures

Music box - Ball - Yellow toy car - Little bottle of sand - Stained glass ornament - Silver bracelets - Crayons - Stones - Glass jar with a butterfly inside - Speckled feather - Colorful scale - Unbreakable fire weed - Butterflies - Dead butterfly in a jar - Frog figure made of bone - Plastic butterflies - Books - Dog tag necklace - Blue worry stone -

"Everyone is my teacher. Some I seek. Some I subconsciously attract. Often I learn simply by observing others. Some may be completely unaware that I’m learning from them, yet I bow deeply in gratitude."

• Loved •
6
|'Blackie'|
By many strange occasions the bull managed to catch the buck and tie him close by starting to teach him. Learned to trust, follow and obey the snake first. After being left by his mate and family, was taught how to stand up again. Rewarded with several things that help him keep the stable state of mind, having formed a specific kind of need towards 6 and his teachings. Infatuation, important, sincerely and loyally loved even if the bull has been gone from the forest for a long time now. Will always wait for even if chances of his return seem slim. Takes this as his final lesson to let go and move on.

"You were the hardest lesson I ever had to learn."

Krowe
|'Woof'|
At first was only curious to find a plain looking wolf in the forest, seen as a danger pestering prey. After talking to him and finding out it was really easy to do so, kept visiting him in the birch until learning to trust Krowe not to be a danger to himself. Was offered company and occasional grooming which then lead to visiting Krowe in the human world to experience a real human bath. From there has been hooked on the company and understanding that's given. Feels somehow connected to the wolf, although not knowing much about each other's backgrounds. Has been taught new skills while camping in the human world. Barely wants to go anywhere without the wolf anymore. Scared to admit any feelings rising for him as it feels like that would cause himself to be left alone once again.

"I beg you, eat me up. Want me down to the marrow."


Marcus
|'Mall'|
Met the male only briefly before the day Marcus came to him at the Oak. Badly beaten up by Romulus and hiding away from possible death, Marcus picked him up and took him into his care. Did not know of his original intentions back then, and only much later was told of them by Talla. Mixed feelings. Ended up living with the male, taken care of more than anyone has done ever before. Genuinely and full heartedly grateful for every piece of happiness Marcus gave, ending up feeling even more towards him. Not sure of it first when still dealing with infatuations of his past, but quickly learned the vicious jealousy he felt when Djinn moved in with them, was actually love. Could not compete with the female as she possessed attributes more useful for Marcus, having to leave his safe haven, home, and loved one behind and return to the forest alone. Only wanted Marcus to be happy and if he can't provide enough happiness, it's best to step aside. Even if it means heartache for them both. Misses terribly but also feels angry and fearful of the male. Hates his and Djinn's children simply for existing, avoiding them to the end. Big love, bigger heartbreak.

"You became the reason I breathe, only to suffocate me"

Romulus
|'Om'|
His second imaginary friend after Gaius and before Remus (Ai & Em) Turned into a nightmare and broke through Nidhem's dreamworld into reality. Once a companion, friend and a source of comfort, but Romulus turned against him with Gaius and Remus, invading the dreamworld and causing him to get caged up in nightmares and sleep paralysis. Finally other forest residents defeated Romulus, killing him. Romulus came back to life and gained a physical form he had wanted all along, but the bond between him and his former host had been broken. After countless attempts of murder and harassment from Romulus' side things between the two have started calming down, and the two have shared apologies. Not once has the cripple hated his creation for what he has done, and wants no harm on Romulus. Loves but understands he has no right to ask for it to be mutual anymore.

"When is a monster not a monster?
Oh, when you love it."

Talla
|Sister|
Was once persistent in getting to know the doe as a youngster. After a rough start finally managed to have the doe warm up to him. Grew closer through play, comfort and mutual reassurance. First person Nidhem gave a gift to. Trusts her with all of his secrets and thoughts. Sees and loves her as a sister. Sometimes suspicious of the company she has, not really eager to share Talla with them. More protective of than anything else, will stand between her and danger without doubt. Loved unconditionally. Thinks she is the only one who truly understands and accepts him.

"You protect me from myself and I’ll protect you from everything else."

• Positive •
Fenrir
Stricken by the male's looks at first, naturally feeling scared of something that looked like a predator but at the same time drawn to. Found the male badly wounded and still healing, lonely and curious himself, and tried to make an acquaintance of by offering medicinal plants. Continuously confused by, but feels great interest in trying to make sense of the big male's quirks. Somehow very comforted by his presence and scent, even with the looming danger that emits from him. Used to live with for a while before Fenrir came up with kids with Jörnburnd which caused him to leave the two, not feeling comfortable anymore.

Illrose
|'Auntie'|
Adopted aunt through his former adoptive mother Umay. Even after Umay disowned him, continues to call her 'Auntie' and sees her as a very important female in his life. Trusts, but not always believes her words. Source of medical help when needed, admires the doe for her great wisdom and really looks up to. She was the one who helped him to get rid of his broken leg, the whole happening strengthening his feelings for her. The last vague feeling of a family he has. Rarely seen around anymore.

Morikiah
Slowly grew much closer with the stag after meeting. Saw him as a great friend once, now horribly unsure around when receiving mixed messages every now and then. Enjoys the attention when there is some but is left terribly confused with moments of sudden abandonment or when feeling like he's being pushed off. Adored and feared. Rarely seen around anymore.

Leviathann
Long, violent colored history links the two together. At one point managed to forget the multiple deeds of terror Leviathann had done until recently was drawn into her presence with gentle care and the alluring strength she possesses. Was reminded of the past as one swift blow but with the comfort of safety provided at the very same moment got his trust easily stolen. Respects a lot and is thankful for the present time.

Rhea
Never felt unsure by her looks, even if she grew to be much larger than him. Quite nice to talk to or play with. Still doesn't understand the helping as he sees himself quite capable of handling himself... but appreciates it anyway. Doesn't see often anymore, mainly because she hangs in certain groups. But gladly approaches when she's alone.

Vol
A bird-looking guy who Nidhem has known for years. Considered a friend and a moving nest of sorts as Vol's wings have acted as a good, warm shelter when needed. Playful, gentle, fun, easy-going. Always glad to hang with.

Xorawlr
A big gentle canine with the 'night sky' on his back. Met during the rut 2017. Started to trust the big guy rather easily after getting a good amount of affection in the form of grooming. Continues to receive these grooming sessions every time they meet. Also a very good playmate.

• Neutral •
Kauna
The white doe he happened to meet a few times before talking with her for the first time. Surprised by her wisdom and respects her for it. Somewhat shy towards, but knows she won't hurt him for asking for comfort.

Rojan
Never would have thought he would grow interested in one of Umay's children, but found himself feeling the most neutral with this one. Could have attacked Rojan when he was still a cub, but decided against it. Later has gotten defended by the grown male once. Curious of.

Róta
First hated since she was born, lately given peace in his mind. When meeting her at Romulus' place made himself talk to her after a rough start. Asking if Romulus loved her and receiving a positive answer, granted her and her siblings 'safety' from him. If Romulus would be sad for Róta's sadness, he would not be the cause of that. Nowhere near friends with but does not ache inside seeing her face around. Same can't be said for her siblings.

Shay
Former family member through Umay. Had been a source of comfort and peace before ties to Umay's family broke. Has had some positive meetings afterwards. Hopeful.

Umay
|'Ma'|
Had the best time of his life as the adoptive son of the lioness before she made the decision to disown him. Completely shattered mentally, continued to seek for the female's love, only getting beat and destroyed time after another. After seeking for guidance from many, it was finally Jack's words that made him change. He ended his mortal longing towards the lioness with a fight, losing his leg because of the injuries. Does not want to miss anymore. Does the missing in secret, not letting it control him anymore. Lately has been in contact with her more, mostly by coincidence. Timid towards, yields but does not fear too much. Cares about.

"I think about you. But I don’t say it anymore."

• Negative •
Alice
Got to know her through Morgül. Once a friend and source of comfort. Grew a deep jealousy and hatred towards after realizing what was going on between her and Morgül. Even more distraught about their offspring, one of them, Kiosydan, getting attacked by him once. Simply avoids the doe now, wants nothing to do with her.

Djinn
The golden doe who has always been one of the biggest sources of confusion in Nidhem's life. Constantly going between friend or foe, had been treated badly on multiple occasions followed by friendliness and care, then turning bad again. Considers her to be the one who always found a way to shove her nose between him and his closest male relations. The last straw was her moving in with him and Marcus. Tried his best to endure her presence until it turned out to be too stressful, having to abandon the last and best safe haven he had. Outright hates her after hearing more about her from other sources, unable to feel much else than having had his whole life repeatedly invaded and poisoned by the female. Hostile towards.

Morgül
|Morg|
Once the one who raised him, kept him alive and made him feel love for the first time in his life. Went through the hardest times together, chose Morgül over his former adoptive family and stared into death's eyes together, until finally it was too much to bear. Left and abandoned by. No more than a very painful memory now, a deep scar, rarely spoken about.

"Forever never lasts forever."

• Gone •
Kody
Former adopted family member through Umay. Always felt unaccepted by the wolf, and will most likely act submissive because of his fears.

Rui
The first one to cause Nidhem to actually feel hate, great jealousy and a need to get rid off. Can't do anything about the 'couldbebrother''s existence, has learned to mostly ignore or avoid if seen.

Juliet

Kurami

Lume
Forced to cut ties with because of Umay. Learned about his death, secretly misses, yet rarely.

Maeve
Adopted 'cousin'. Unaware of her passing.

Ravly

'Smiling' Jack
|'Whitey'|
Had rather weak but steady ties with the white stag before some unfortunate events brought Nidhem to do the largest mistake of his life, destroying the ties. Regrets his deed more than anything. Wants to get stronger because of his words, and will always look up to. Left a long time ago, greatly missed.