To the creators of this game, and my family here in the forest...

BluedeerLegend18's picture
Under cut, because this is a loooooooooong post.

Well... I'm just kinda in a feeling where I don't even know how to describe it.

And I know I've told this story many times. I bet a lot of you are like "pfft, this girl again, just ignore her..." And really, if you are, I don't blame you. I really don't care if anyone sees this or not. I just wanna get this off of my chest... and I want my friends to know why I care about them so much. I just kinda wanna describe myself today. I feel I've been a stranger too long on this place and I need to explain myself and who I really am, why I have acted the way I have.

I've changed dramatically over the past three years. I know I've said it many times. And I've thanked you for it. But I haven't gone over every single detail over what has happened in the past three years. I've told some of you what has happened, but not everything. So, let me tell you, with every detail, the whole story of what has happened in the past three years, on here and in real life.

First of all, that.

I might have said, "So my friend in real life said this...", but I never really meant the "in real life" part. Everything that I see, think, hear, do, and all my friends, whether from the Internet or not, are all real life. There is no "real life" and the "other life" for me. Everyone I met, I care and love about, whether I see them or not.

When I first joined, I was 11. When I was 11, I was extremely immature, even for an 11 year old. I wish time travel was real, because if it was I would beat myself. It was that bad. Stupid and mean and horrible... those are the words that come to mind when I think of my younger self. I also didn't make much friends. I tried, but they all looked at me weird and just walked away. I cried a lot. I wondered why I couldn't make friends. It wasn't a happy time for me. I was negative, thought about suicide, and all that stuff that is really unhealthy for an 11 year old kid to be thinking about.

So when I first joined TEF, I kinda terrorized the place, with my tantrums and saying hurtful things to others... when I first joined TEF, it was just for fun. I had no idea how much it would change me.

Over the year, I began to listen.

Because all the people here... were so different than the people at my school. If I said something mean, it would take them literally years to forgive me. Yes, years. I remember once I said something mean to another girl, she only recently forgave me. I said it to her when I was in fourth grade. I'm in seventh grade now.

I'm surrounded by a lot of immature people. At school, in my family, pretty much everywhere I went. But here, the people were so nice and mature. They forgave me when I said terrible things. They supported me, and gave me a feeling of belonging that I had never quite felt before.

This was how a real family was to act. When I joined TEF my family was being split apart, and was to be broken into pieces that can't ever be put together again. I felt TEF was my only family. They cared about me and loved me, and forgave me... like a real family. When other members fell, they would be picked up. When fights broke out, they would be forgiven. This was not the family I grew up in. This was the family I yearned for my whole life. And I finally found it.

So, I listened to others. I accepted ideas of fun and love from this place.

This is when I just began to relax. I had less tantrums, and I started to become so much more nicer and mature. I also became more sociable and outgoing over my stay here. I got so many more friends, and I finally got this sense of belonging and love that I had been looking for my whole life. From friends in school and friends here.

I was positive, finally. I was happy-go-lucky the majority of the time and I had a great life.

Now, noticed how I said "were" a lot when I'm talking about how nice this place was.
Not "is" or "are".
"Were" and "Was"

This place also changed dramatically. Unfortunately, for the worse. I remember when I had a huge tantrum on here, all I had to say was "I'm sorry" and I was instantly forgiven. But it doesn't work like that anymore. More and more people broke out in huge fights like that, and even though people said "sorry" and "I forgive you", they didn't really mean it. For some reason, cuts and scratches started to be left unhealed.

Fights kept breaking out. More cuts and scratches. Adults always yelling at kids. Kids yelling back at them. Members yelling at others for pointless reasons. Eventually, this place became pretty bruised. All the feeling of love and caring and belonging and family here... all just kinda faded away.

And I have no idea why.

I just kinda walked around here, without any feelings, like a zombie. My love for this place faded away as I watched this once loving family fall to chaos and hate. Sometimes I'd catch myself thinking "God, why do I keep going on here? I f*****g hate this place" and I'd stop myself. I say those kinds of things about my family. But is this a family anymore?

The best way I can describe this place is like a pack of wolves. We used to love. Then, we all became starving wolves. We turned around and started to bite each other's limbs off, and not give a crap if we hurt someone in the process.

We all turned to monsters. I tried not to, but I became one as well.

As I watched helplessly as this place succumbed to chaos. I couldn't do anything. I watched as my only family, the only family that actually cared and loved, burned. It was painful watching. It turned me bitter. And angry. I started to just... hate everything again. I made a circle: I was once again stupid, mean, horrible. And just bitter and angry. But now I'm smarter than I was when I was 11.

It isn't just me that changed. It isn't just TEF that changed.

The whole world has changed.

I know how this world works now.

There is no such thing as a "happy family". Most marriages end up in divorce now, and the children have to watch their family break apart. And even if the marriage does stay together, the whole family probably hate each other's guts. In society, nobody is equal. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, male, female, straight, gay, no matter what you are you will be hated forever.

Everyone just hates each other. I don't know why, but the human race turned into the most hateful species in the world. TEF didn't succumb to this hate right away, though.

For some reason, I think I may have pushed TEF to this fate. I have a feeling my fights and tantrums turned this place just like every other goddamn place in this world.

I hate myself. For doing this to a once sacred place that I could run away to. I took a piece of heaven and turned it into something worse than hell.

I hate myself so much.

I have no feelings. Just anger and bitterness and hate. I don't wanna be that person, but I am.

I just wish I could pick this place back up and put it on ground... but I can't.

So...

I probably just gonna finally give this place up.

Maybe forever.

There is just no love.

I'll probably be on the game more, though, because that was my original intention. Just to play the game. Maybe I just should have sticked to the game and never bothered with this place. I don't know. But... that brings me to my next point.

Dear Micheal and Auriea-

Not sure if you will read this, but... just wanted to let you know that I am so thankful for you guys making such a unique game like this. You have brought joy to many people because of this. I will always love and remember this game, for how different it was. No fighting. No violence. No hate. Just love.

While, the forums may not be what it is supposed to be, the game will always be about love.
Thank you. ~BluedeerLegend18

And to my friends...

thank you. For changing me. And helping me.

Just for nostalgia, I looked at all my old posts... and I read my very first post here, introducing me to here. And one of the very first things I said here was "See you in the Forest".

Well... I am truly going to do what I meant to do now.

See you in the forest.
Staff's picture

I read every word of this. I

I read every word of this. I feel you, I truly do. All I ever see when looking out a window is hate from people. I hate walking into the doors of my school to more drama and bull crap from every person. TEF and my Xbox LIVE is my escape. Don't think that anything that happened on here was your fault alone, because it's not. I joined TEF for the first time 4 years ago and I look back on it and saw myself as immature as ever. But eventually I let it go and now I feel I'm doing so much better. If you see that you've changed for the better and want to start anew, let that be heard. Shout it to the world, make a blog that takes a whole page or two to read. If no one else would listen, just know that I would. :3 I'm not too good with motivational stuff for a reason, but I do hope this helps you.


Siggy by Shey

Emikomi's picture

This is touching ~ because I

This is touching ~ because I was your age when I joined this place and in fact I'm a freshman at my highschool now. And I've been really needing to do a post like this, but I never gotten around to it. I would add a lot more to say right but I have to go to work so I'll continue my comment later.

Feel free to skype me at xxemikomixx
OrinocoFlow's picture

It was only a year ago that I

It was only a year ago that I joined and I had that feeling of love and security then as well. Where I think the feeling of anger and hate comes from is when we get so familiar with each other we begin to learn our quirks and sometimes our way of doing things doesn't mesh and thus arguments.

The statement "Familiarity breeds contempt" has never been more true. So what helps me is when I feel that its getting too bad I take a break. i draw or just talk to my friends. Yes I've had some hate towards me on here and had arguments I wish never happened but I still have some freakin awesome friends as well *sends love out to you all* and I only hope my circle of friends increases! I'm sorry to hear that this place has grown so bad for you. And even if you do not return and the fact you and I have not really talked much, you can still contact me on skype and talk if you need to.

my username is cheerfulwhitewave. Stay strong and if you decide to come back I'm sure there are plenty here who'll welcome you with open arms.
You do not have a soul. You ARE a soul. You have a body.
~ C.S. Lewis
BluedeerLegend18's picture

Hey guys. Just... thank you.

Hey guys.

Just... thank you. I read all your posts. It helps remind me that not all hope is lost for this place... there are still some people here that are loving and caring. This has helped me put in a better mood.

I think a break would be good for me, just try to get this place out of my mind.

Just wanted to say that I'm in the forest right now. I will never be IC, and I don't see anybody else in IC. I don't bite, so don't be afraid to walk up to me. I'll play with you! =)
I have a Master's degree in Wumbology.
Unplugged's picture

Read over this post a few

Read over this post a few times... You're addressing many difficult topics. Thanks for sharing your feelings, I thought it was interesting to read. Sorry for the ramble ahead. Oh, and I'd really like to sit with you in the forest, but I can't find you anywhere..

I think the first part of your post really shows how important it is to be understanding and to forgive. It really warmed my heart to read that you got something good out of this community, and I hope many others have had a similar experience somewhere down the line. I think we always need to keep in mind that there's so many reasons why a person could act the way they do. I believe we all want to live harmoniously together. People are not inherently bad. Sometimes we don't know better and often we regret things later. That's why it's so important to forgive, and that's why it's so important to not fight fire with fire, and reach out to the other even if it may be difficult. I feel like that is something that has been lost a little bit. We're all afraid, we're all anxious. We're trying to preserve ourselves. I try to bring good to the community in any way I can. Especially in difficult times I want to try and make a point that there is love, there is forgiveness, there is togetherness, life continues on and difficulties will pass, even if it might not seem so at the time. I want to be there in the forest for people and give back the love that has been given to me.

The negativity you see, it is absolutely not your fault. I know sometimes it overwhelmingly seems so, but please remember that it is really not your fault. Communities are a complex system. People are a complex system, relationships are much more complex and confusing than we make them out to be. It is wrong to assume that a single person is the be-all-end-all of everything. We are all constantly influencing each other. Everything around us constantly changes and so do we. You do not deserve the blame you inflict upon yourself. We're in this together.

"TEF has changed for the worse" is such a reoccurring message that has been brought up time and time again by different people. Just today I was browsing the page and came along a similar post from 2008. Yes, the community is constantly changing, as are the people. We're just facing different difficulties than we did back then, or than we did in 2009, or in 2010, 2011 or 2012. Back then we were arguing about does, mates, violent plots, hacking, whathaveyou. But somehow we manage to recover from these things, climb back up. We need to allow ourselves to move on. When we join TEF for the first time, of course our impressions are different. Such is the nature of things. As we spend more time here, we start seeing problems we might not have noticed before. Sometimes we have no energy, sometimes things become difficult and we need to take a break. Breaks are very useful and good. Despite anything that may happen, I try to bring to the community things that I think are positive and good and necessary, and even though as a single person I may not be able to do much, I try to be the change I wish to see, and maybe I can at least bring joy to some people this way, because I love this place and the people in it.
BluedeerLegend18's picture

Unplugged- I read your post,

Unplugged- I read your post, all of it.

I've tried to take breaks, see if when I came back the forums would be better. I think we are going through one of those periods where it seems pretty bad, so we should just give the place a break... I have a negative view of life, so seeing posts like yours helps me see that not everything is so bad...

I've always thought you were such a cool member of the community. I've always looked up to you. I could say so much more, but I'm not good with words... I hope that "thank you" will do =)

Also, I did log out for a moment. I should be hanging in the birch forest somewhere.
I have a Master's degree in Wumbology.

I feel super bad because I

I feel super bad because I didn't read the entire end of your post, Blue, but I got the gist of what you're trying to say.

I've noticed it. We've all noticed it. The forest wasn't what it used to be. But Unplugged is right, it will continually change. For the better or the worst. I want to say that it isn't your fault. To be honest, I don't think your "angry 11 year old self" has anything to do with this bickering. It's us. All of us. We come here expecting a warm home with warm family--and yes, we can see that most of the time--but few realize we are real people. We all find our niche and our thing, but we still fight. We still disagree. And you just can't blame yourself for it. Now, I'm sure I'll go up and read the end of your post (as well as the comments, which I haven't read at all, sadly), and see that this post is done and your heart is slightly mended, but I still just want you to know that it all gets better.

//ugh i'm not good with the word stuff
quadraptor's picture

There are many pros and cons

There are many pros and cons to this place, especially considering there are countless articles written about the consequences of social media on real life. It's very easy for us to type things we would never say to someone in real life. When we're behind a computer screen and not face to face, we can be pretty nasty as human beings.

That being said, I don't know where I would be without this place. I was a much angrier person when I first arrived to TEF. I hated wolves so much because they kill deer. I was unsure what I thought of the gay community as well as religious communities. I had a lot of pent up frustration and anger and had nowhere to release it at.

Of course, I'm the one that put the Vent blog on here. I'm not sure if it was the best thing to do, to bring negativity to this site, but knowing I had a place where I could type things out that frustrated me, it released the tension. I am almost certain I was part of the cause for the hate around here, just as you feel you are.

Over the years, I went through my own change. I don't know if it was going to therapy after Dad died, or reading my Zen and Buddhism books, or interaction with you all...but somewhere along the line, I let go of the hate and resentment I held. Granted I'm not perfectly happy/peaceful/ect, but I do feel like a weight is off of my shoulders.

We all make mistakes. It's human nature. I wish I could talk to those people who don't speak to me anymore, but I know it will most likely never happen. And if so, I wish them the best and I'll go my own way.

This place is addictive, that is certain. I know this because the semester I had in college about the time Dad died, when I was taking Physics, Chemistry, and Calculus all at once, I would spend most of my day sitting at a computer and repeatedly pressing the refresh button on the 'Recent Posts' page. I could not handle that semester and because of it I failed all three classes.

I know I had too much on my plate as well. And I should have taken the classes separately, but it's all history now. Hopefully by the end of July, I'll have Chemistry finished and none of it will matter.


I've said many of the same things you have written here. I have repeatedly said how much I hate myself and my body. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a short, fat person there. But I'm trying everything I can to exercise and eat better than I have been, and so far it's working. I'm already feeling better as far as my weight.

I'm trying my best not to be so jealous of my peers. There are so many instances where someone posts that they've graduated with a masters or a PhD, or that they've landed some incredible job. And I have very little to show for myself. It seems like there are trophies and medals for being athletic, smarts, and strength, but there are no medals for being loyal, dependable, or just a good person. I constantly feel unappreciated, especially while I'm stuck at home basically being a house maid.


I've gone off topic. I guess what I'm trying to say is...don't be so hard on yourself about what's happened on TEFc. This place has been evolving and changing since the day it began. It's gone through many generations of players, and it will continue to do so as long as the servers are paid for. As far as you, BlueDeer, I've only seen positive progression from you. But if you feel as if this community site is too toxic for you, I don't blame you for heading off.


I'll see you in the Forest sometime...hopefully.
keepspeeps's picture

Yup. (besides the

Yup. (besides the formerself-blame part - I highly,highly,highly doubt that's accurate at all. Just drop that notion).
Keeps loves Fay.
Aivilo's picture

I will put words here when

I will put words here when I've had more sleep and can string more than two coherent sentences together.
Briefly, though: Agreement with the above comments - this place's changes are not your fault, they're a natural part of being a community. The love for one another is still there, it's just like sibling love... sometimes we have to clobber each other over the heads, but we're still family.
If you are ever in need, the Forest will be here. That's something I learned a long time ago and which has never changed.